There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
I was not unhappy to leave Lothlorien and hit the road again. I was keen to be in Lindon and finally start my life with Glorfindel for once and for all, but there were some things (people) I very much did want to leave behind and it seems I could not. I was a little alarmed when I found out Celebrian and Galadriel were to come with us, for they planned to stay in Lindon 'for a season'. That couldn't bode well, I thought, grumpily.
As there was only one human among the company, we were travelling at Elvish pace. That meant two hour stops at night, mostly for their horses to rest. I understood Gil-galad wanted to be back in his kingdom, but by the third night, I was so sleep deprived that I took to riding with Glorfindel, sleeping in the saddle.
It was fast becoming my favourite way to ride, but I was getting a crick in my neck.
Ashamed of my conversation with Anarion, and the niggling feeling that even thinking about kissing another was an unforgivable betrayal, I was lost in my thoughts, sleepy and slightly irritable for an entire week.
But Glorfindel held me tightly, and kissed my hair as I slept against him, and I felt that I should forgive myself. It was a thought unacted upon, and would only hurt him to voice it. It was my choices that made me, not intrusive thoughts that were unwelcome. I felt that the root was with Glorfindel at any rate; he had never told me he loved me, and it bothered me more than I was willing to admit. I had no family and marriage did not seem on the table with Glorfindel (not the kind of marriage either one of us recognised, exactly) and so how could I not feel even a sliver of attraction to a man who told me he loved me and offered me security?
But that was not what I had wanted, not what I had chosen, not what I was hurtling towards at an ungodly speed.
And yet, I felt uneasy and full of self-loathing. I was not fickle, I told myself, I knew who I loved. I knew who I had chosen.
I dreamed of the sea as we rode, shimmering and the tide breaking on a beach I didn't recognise. Soft Elvish voices drifted in and out of my consciousness, until I heard a name I recognised.
"Has the ever-strategic Glorfindel found himself in a disadvantageous position and is sulking about it? I can hardly pity you for it - you're both disgustingly in love. And loud," said a familiar voice, over the sound of the waves.
"I am not sulking."
"Yes, you are! And we all know why, even though it is foolish."
"I cannot help but worry about it. I am bound to her forever, but she is not bound to me."
"She worships you, Glor, you utter fool, and she is leaving all her friends behind to be with you. And however much you fear that rather weak boy king, you must know she will never run to him unless you push her away."
"Since when are you such an expert on relationships?" Glorfindel said, his chest vibrating against my back. I hummed and shifted slightly, and his hand round my waist gripped me tighter.
"I adore her. And I am also contemplating a relationship with someone I did not think of in a romantic capacity until lately…"
"If you are in any way toying with Gil, I will never forgive you-"
"Just because you need to be dragged kicking and screaming into new situations because you refuse to leave your comfort zone-"
"I would rather you didn't consider it, if there were any chance at all that you may hurt his feelings or worse-"
"Glor. I know my heart could make him happy."
"But could his heart make you happy, 'Stor?"
"I am always happy, Glor, surely you have realised this by now?"
I drifted back to sleep. Glorfindel and Erestor's bickering was not worth staying awake for, although it concerned me to know that he was still jealous of Annie. Anarion, I told myself. Who it was unlikely I would see again - at least for a long time.
Later that night, we stopped so that the Elves could rub down the horses, and Glorfindel carried me to a bedroll where I lay down and looked up at the stars, so tired I could not sleep. They never made a fire when we stopped, and I was really cold.
"I miss sleep," I muttered to myself, rubbing my arms.
"How much sleep can you possibly need?" asked Celebrian, who wandered over to me. I was surprised that she would speak directly to me in public, but she seemed curious and if I'm honest, slightly disgusted at how tired I was as if it were a personal failing.
"Everyone is different, I suppose, and humans can survive on little to no sleep for a week or two, but they won't function properly. We should really have around eight hours."
"A week?"
"A night!"
"Everyday?" asked Celebrian, scandalised. I smothered a laugh and replied in the affirmative.
"You are the first human I have met in a long time. I did not realise quite how weak humans were," she said, contemplatively.
"I must disagree with you, Lady Celebrian, for I have seen firsthand the resilience of men in the war. And that is to say nothing of Lady Minnow's own strength. She went into the very mouth of Mount Doom - no mean feat."
Elrond had appeared out of nowhere, and was looking a little surprised that he had dared contradict the beautiful (on the outside at least) Celebrian.
"You climbed Mount Doom?" asked Celebrian, surprised.
"I accompanied Anarion up the mountain so he could encourage his brother to destroy the Ring," I said, diplomatically.
She contemplated me for a full minute then walked away. I lay back down on my bedroll and dozed.
But soon, it appeared that we would be moving once again.
"We must go, there are wargs a few leagues away," I heard Glorfindel say.
Gil-galad said something in return, but I did not catch it.
"Elrond and I will chase them out, and rejoin you."
More talking from Gil-galad, and Erestor. There's always something, I thought, grumpily.
"Minnow is struggling, " said Glorfindel, meaningfully. I wish it weren't so, but after three weeks on the road with little sleep, I felt exhausted.
"I will take her," said Erestor. There was some chat in Quenya, but Erestor seemed to win the argument. He strode over to me and picked me up.
"I will see you soon, Minnow," said Glorfindel, stroking my face. I watched as he strode over to his horse and walked off. I chanced a look at Celebrian, and she looked upset and pensieve. Glorfindel would be fine, I told myself, worry coursing through my veins.
"A little bonding time for the mortal who tamed the Balrog Slayer and the half-Elf who won the heart of the king who killed Sauron," said Erestor softly. I snorted and fell soundly asleep.
I slept against his chest as we rode on through the night.
"Our General may have been a little reluctant to give you up to me, but I am a changed half-Elf, as you can see," he said, as I woke up in the morning light. Had Erestor kept up a running commentary for the whole night?
"Huh?" I said, yawning.
"Oh, just that Glorfindel doesn't trust me around human women, even though you are his vesseva, and the Eldar are faithful as a matter of course, but I am still deemed 'a petticoat chaser'."
My mind swam. "I'm sure he trusts you?" I said, unsure.
"He doesn't trust me with Gil-galad, either. Thinks I'm flighty. And yes, I have been flighty, but that doesn't mean I will always be flighty."
I was beginning to regret being trapped on the same horse as Erestor. I looked over at Haldir's horse and wondered if there was any way in Middle Earth he'd let me ride with him instead…
"I've had a few lovers over the years, but I mean really, what of it? Glorfindel's idea of honour is too stringent. And I confess, I do prefer human women over elleth, which is perfectly natural. My mother was human after all," carried on Erestor.
"Oh," I said, stupidly.
"And yes, some of them were married women of the human court, but they initiated it! It's different for human women, Glorfindel still doesn't understand these things-"
"My knowledge of history is a little patchy, especially when it comes to Numenor, but I don't remember Erestor being named among Elros' children," I said, hoping it wasn't offensive to say that.
"That is because I am what's known as a bastard, and not just in Glorfindel's estimation. Ada's wife had a short lifespan in comparison to his, and he was a bit lonely I suppose in his old age and nine months later, there I was! A happy little accident. And then when I was of age, Tar-Amandil gave me a bag of coins and told me to fuck off to the mainland."
I was a little shocked. "I'm sorry."
Erestor smiled down at me. "Don't be. My mother gave me her father's sword, and I found my uncle, and then was given the Choice, and all in all, it turned out rather well."
It was a very similar attitude to Gil-galad's, I thought, amused. Perhaps they were better suited than Glorfindel realised.
"I'm glad," I said.
"And if Elrond approves, who is my uncle and Gil-galad's herald then really, I think I can be trusted not to mess this up, or look after you for a few hours."
"I trust you. Did you know your father?" I asked. He replied in the affirmative, and told me a little about Elros. Who would not be curious about Elrond's twin brother? And Erestor's father, of course. I wondered where his irrepressible spirit and merriness came from, but he claimed Elrond was 'great fun' before he fell in love.
"I used to think love ruined everything, I mean, it did lead to the deaths of most of my predecessors, and Elrond's moping takes its toll…"
We had a rest that evening, and waited for Glorfindel and Elrond to catch us up. I sat on the ground and looked dolefully at the Lothlorien Elves, who didn't have a hair out of place. I felt sweaty and freezing, as if I had rolled around in a stable in the depths of winter. Gil-galad was being courtly towards Galadriel, so Erestor sat down next to me.
"You know who my father is," I accused him.
"I do," he said. "It's rather obvious when you think about it."
"But you won't tell me?" I said.
"Alas, no," he said, with a smile.
I had a few choice words for this response and Erestor laughed merrily at me.
"Well perhaps I could give you a hint?" he said, smiling at me. "Do you know, we're not entirely sure Gil-galad has a father? Or a mother for that matter. Glor and Elrond used to tease him about it. Gil-galad is very vague about his origins, which makes us all think he might be one of the first elves."
"How cleverly you have woven Gil-galad into the conversation," I said. One of the first elves! That were awoken! I marvelled at that.
"My mind strays to him often," admitted Erestor, looking at the high king. "Contemplating the future."
Erestor told me he had been flirting with Gil-galad for the last few weeks in an attempt to 'test the waters'.
"But of course, usually I am the one giving out sex advice but now I suppose I must follow Gil-galad's lead as I have never taken an interest in Elves or ellon before," wittered on Erestor, who was peeling an apple with a dagger he kept in his boots.
"Sex advice?" I said, amused. Which one of his friends could possibly need advice on that subject?
Erestor froze. "Fuck," he said.
I stared at him aghast and rather shocked. "Sex advice!" I hissed.
"Minnow-"
"Advice… about sex? Glorfindel? No, no, no, no, no!" I hissed, putting my hands around my head.
"Is all well?" called Gil-galad from across the camp.
"Yes!" called Erestor at the same time I shouted the opposite. We glared at each other.
"I cannot believe this!" I said, almost to myself, my mind spinning. Glorfindel - a reserved, prudish, deeply religious and noble Elf - had been asking his friends for advice on how best to bed me?! It was so out of character…
"Yes, but Minnow, as much as you trust Glorfindel, and he is gentle; a large, powerful immortal being who towers over you. Of course you trust him, there's no one more trustworthy, but… this was something new to him too, and he didn't want to hurt you," Erestor whispered urgently.
"Good point," I said weakly.
Erestor seemed to realise that I was not upset, only surprised, and relaxed.
"And truly, I did not tell him much, I merely told him about all the sex positions, and how to make a woman... I think he was nervous about… but of course, he has not had to learn anything new for thousands of years, and it is an uncomfortable position for him to be in…"
"Well, perhaps I should thank you," I said, tartly.
"Please thank me by never ever telling Glorfindel about this," he said, swiftly.
"I am amazed Glorfindel talks about sex at all…" I muttered.
"With his friends?" asked Erestor. "I believe he discusses everything with Elrond and Gil-galad which used to make me feel quite left out, but I understand it a little better now."
"He was very embarrassed to talk about it with me at first," I mused, remembering the time we travelled through the Brown Lands together.
"There is much to be embarrassed about when being intimate with someone. I have never been to bed with an Elf before," said Erestor. He looked a little nervous. "I know I am an Elf, well, half-Elf. But it is different when it is someone… whose feelings you do not want to hurt."
I contemplated him, thoughtfully, as I nibbled some lembas.
"Ears."
"Ears?"
"Oh, he… he completely loses control," I said, hoping that would cover it.
Erestor smiled at this. "I would like to see Gil-galad lose control. He is a very controlled person."
"All Elves are, aren't they?"
Erestor snorted. "Barely. Highly emotional, far more than men, I think. Whimsical, petty, cleverer but only in the sense they can focus for much longer, and stay awake for weeks at a time, and physically we are less affected by the elements, of course, and usually taller and slimmer, but stronger. Our very bones are stronger - that's why we have less muscle but can carry more weight."
"Fascinating," I breathed, enthralled. I couldn't wait to begin my apprenticeship with Elrond and learn more about the differences in physiology between Elves and the Men. My first lesson with Elrond was really more of a taster session. I couldn't wait to begin in earnest. "Humans certainly have more muscle mass and carry more fat - and with warriors some of that is to protect them against the elements and being thrown around of course… perhaps Elves break down energy from food in a different way to humans?" I said, thinking out loud.
"Of course, being a half-Elf means that I'm a bit of both," Erestor continued. "I need to eat more than your average Elf, and also I have body hair which Elves do not. Generally, Elves do not like body hair, but I think Gil-galad must because he has seen me without my tunic several times."
I snorted. Erestor was extremely good looking, which he knew very well and did not need any encouragement.
"Not all humans have body hair - some do not… I have only ever been with Glorfindel, but I have seen a lot of naked men-" I mused.
"Have you?" asked a familiar voice.
Erestor and I turned around. Glorfindel was standing behind us, his armour glinting with orc blood, with his arms crossed, looking stern.
"Oh, you're back!" I said, with a smile.
"Erestor - would you like to explain why you are discussing naked men with Minnow? When I specifically asked you to refrain from inappropriate topics of conversation?"
"I wasn't aware you were censoring my conversations. We are talking of healing. I am a healer," I said, matronly. He raised his eyebrow at me.
"We can camp here for the night. I think we have put enough distance between ourselves and the wargs and orcs. What are you talking about?" asked Elrond, approaching the fire. He looked a little tired, and was similarly covered in orc blood.
"Naked men," said Erestor, cheerfully. Elrond swore in Quenya and rolled his eyes.
"What is your interest in naked men, Lady Minnow?" asked Celebrian, who walked over to us and nodded at Elrond and Glorfindel. I was surprised that she spoke Westron.
"Oh, medical," I said, blithely. "I'm interested to know if men and Elves, because I've healed a lot of men, but I've only had Glorfindel."
"Is that so?" asked Glorfindel. It was hard to tell if he was amused or not, which only added to my amusement.
"As a patient," I clarified.
"Well, I am glad to see that your apprenticeship is ever on your mind," said Elrond, who looked torn between laughing and running away.
"I've been finding this very educational," said Erestor, who was trying not to laugh.
"And do you need to be educated on naked men, 'Stor?" called Gil-galad, as he walked over.
Did Erestor blush? Did I just see the carefree and irrepressible Erestor blush? I looked over at Glorfindel and shared a smile with him.
"We were discussing whether Elves and men have similar muscle mass…" I said.
"Minnow is tired and needs to go to sleep right now," said Glorfindel quickly.
"No, I really don't…" I said, but Glorfindel dragged me to his bedroll and manhandled me into it, which I greatly enjoyed.
Glorfindel didn't let me ride with Erestor for the rest of the trip.
But I didn't mind, because I wanted to discuss something else - something far more important: his mother and sister who both lived in Lindon. I knew next to nothing about them both and was beginning to feel nervous about meeting them both.
"Will they approve?" I asked, nervously.
"Do not worry, they have open hearts and are very welcoming," he said, which I didn't feel answered the question. But he talked about them at length.
His sister had been looking after his observatory since he had left Lindon over a decade ago, and otherwise she loved to ride, and his mother loved gardening, he told me. This calmed me down a little - riding and gardening were both hobbies that I understood and seemed commonplace. My grandmother enjoyed gardening. Perhaps we were not as different as I imagined.
"Lindon has no cities, as such," he told me. "The men live in small towns, and the Elves in hamlets and have created houses within the large and expansive woods. Gil-galad lives in a large town in the centre of Lindon, but he does not really have a court in the way that kings of old did. We all have an area of land we are responsible for, and we keep watch along our borders."
"Are you in charge of that? And where do you live?"
"My land is in the most northerly part, and sometimes, yes, I organise and lead the patrols or train young Elves and men."
"You train men?" I ask, surprised.
He smiled at me. "Of course. There are a great many of them, and they grow up so fast."
Before long, I saw Lindon for myself. Sweeping meadows, a cool breeze, and evergreen trees. Everything was a darker green than I had ever seen before. Lots of Elves and humans had come out to see their king return, it seemed, and for a few days, flowers were thrown at the feet of the horses. They all cried: "The king returns!" and Gil-galad smiled in his peaceful way and spoke to them.
It warmed my heart to see it, but it also made me feel homesick. I thought of Denvy returning to Tolfalas - the only surviving soldier to return. I wondered how he was getting on.
At last, we came to Gil-galad's holding in a large Elvish town - it wasn't as old as Lothlorien, and was a strange mixture of Elvish and human architecture; heavy stone and delicate marble and wooden carvings, small trees lining all the streets. But we weren't to rest here; Glorfindel wanted to get home before nightfall.
We accompanied them to the stables to let our horses drink, and said our goodbyes. Galadriel merely scowled at me, but Celebrian nodded her head. Gil-galad embraced me and kissed my forehead, which touched me greatly.
Erestor picked me up and swung me around. "Do not let him bully you," he whispered in my ears. "I will find you soon and we can share our misadventures." He winked at me.
"I do not bully Minnow," snapped Glorfindel.
"Peace, friend! I will give you a few weeks, and then we can begin your apprenticeship, Minnow," said Elrond, waving goodbye.
And then it was just the two of us on our horses. I took a big breath in. Be brave, Minnow, I told myself.
Glorfindel's "small country abode" as he referred to it, turned out to be a sprawling mansion, with a large tower glistening in the distance. That was where he made his observations, I remembered. His house was three storeys high and had large windows with no glass which I found strange. We circled round to the back where the stables were, and back on the ground I stretched. Up the steps at the front of the house, two tall elleth were waiting for us - their long blonde hair marked them as Glorfindel's kin. Glorfindel took my hand and squeezed it, and pulled me towards them.
It took me a second to realise who was his mother and who was his sister because they both looked ageless. But his sister, Finda, looked so like him that my jaw fell open. Her hair was the same golden colour, but she was grinning at me with excitement - she seemed a lot more open and carefree than Glorfindel. She looked a lot like Celebrian to my eyes: I was sure they were all cousins. His mother had his grey eyes, and while she looked at me with a smile, I thought she had Glorfindel's reserve.
" Mother, Finda, this is Minnow, my wife ," he said. My heart jumped. It was the first time he had referred to me as such, and I turned to look at him.
He smiled at me. I thought this might have been the most relaxed I'd ever seen him.
I smiled nervously and curtseyed the Elvish way, but Finda threw herself on me and hugged me tightly.
"I have heard so much about you! We expected you weeks ago with the rest of the party! Everyone has been talking about you and it has been so hard to wait for you!"
"Let her breathe, Finda," Glorfindel said, warningly.
I laughed, and told him I was fine.
His mother took my face in her hands, and looked deep into my eyes.
"A star shines on the hour of our meeting," she said, solemnly. Glorfindel had told me that she was called Findis, and her name was familiar to me but I couldn't recall why. I had the feeling she was someone important.
"Thank you," I stammered, overwhelmed.
"I assume you're also pleased to see me home?" asked Glorfindel, sardonically, as Finda took my arm and directed me into the house.
"Well, we knew you would come back, you always do!" called FInda over her shoulder. I was so surprised that I almost gasped: I had never heard anyone ever reference Glorfindel's death to his face.
"I think half the stories being told about you cannot be true. You healed Glor from a deadly wound? And saved Gil-galad in Mordor? And convinced King Anarion to walk up Mount Doom and throw the One Ring into the fires? And you saved the dwarves from a plague!"
"Glorfindel helped save the dwarves too. He befriended Durin… and my friend Yagel gave him an axe," I said. I turned around to see Glorfindel embracing his mother.
"Really? Lindir swears you once threw Glorfindel's sword into a river."
I burst out laughing, and looked at Glorfindel who seemed cross. "It was not a sword, but I did once throw his possessions into a tree… perhaps not my finest moment," I admitted.
"I have known many mortal women in Lindor, and count some as friends, but none of them have done such things. I was expecting a ferocious warrior!"
"Well, I'm just a healer from Tolfalas," I said.
Finda's eyed the two necklaces around my neck which had escaped my bodice. She raised her eyebrow at me as if to say she doubted the veracity of that statement.
"I am sure we are going to be great friends," she said with a wide smile.
"I know it," I replied, with a smile.
Findis ushered us through a large, bright hall and told us that we would meet for lunch the next day. I was grateful as exhaustion had suddenly hit me after I had met them - the prospect of sleeping on a real bed made me want to weep. Glorfindel took me by the arm, with our packs slung over his shoulder, and took me through long corridors until I thought we were at the back of the house, then up a grand staircase.
"This is my wing of the house, and my mother and sister rarely come here," he told me. I thought it was likely I was going to get quite lost.
"You look exactly like your sister. You could be twins!" I said, and he pulled me down another corridor. I looked up, wondering where the light was from, and saw large skylights.
"I don't think we look alike at all!" he said, sounding slightly scandalised. I bit back a smile.
"You probably can't see it," I murmured.
"My quarters," he said, as we approached a large, ornate door, covered in wooden carvings. It opened slowly as we walked toward it, and closed behind us. I hadn't realised I had climbed so many stairs: we were now on the third floor, and I thought Glorfindel's rooms took up most of it.
Of course, Glorfindel's rooms were not what I was expecting. For one thing, there were no walls. The facade of the house was gone, and it opened out onto a small balcony and a stunning vista of the meadow and a large lake, with mountains behind it. It was peaceful, and a light breeze ruffled my hair. And his dislike of walls went further: his quarters were all one open space. It reminded me of the various ballrooms I had seen in Gondor. Sofas and chairs were artfully placed around the space, and tables containing technological drawings, and piles of scrolls, and several trunks, and chest of drawers.
And a four poster bed, but naturally, with no canopy.
Glorfindel looked at me expectantly.
"I did not realise you disliked walls so much," I smirked.
He rolled his eyes. "No Elf likes enclosed spaces," he told me, mock solemnly.
"It's very… you."
"I will, of course, let you change anything you wish. These are our quarters now." He stroked my hair, and kissed my forehead.
I told him I loved it, and I did.
After a hot bath, I fell asleep on his bed in his arms, and I thought that this was the happiest anyone could ever be.
When I woke the next morning, Glorfindel showed me every instrument in his 'workshop' - the large tower he worked from, and told me what they were for. I tried to keep up, but was mostly laughing at his boyish exuberance.
"It is all about accuracy," he told me when we were eating lunch with his mother and sister, a few hours later. We were on the patio, where a table had been laid with simple, but delicious fare. Fresh bread and cheese, figs and pickles, salad and nuts. We were drinking a juice I didn't recognise. There were clearly fruits and vegetables in this region that I had never come across - anything was welcome after months on end of Gondor Army porridge though!
Finda rolled her eyes at me.
"He will not publish his work until he is sure it is perfect. And of course, he is going to go over all my observations with a fine tooth comb as if he doesn't trust me."
"Any scholar worth his salt would check another's observations…"
"Have I not been doing your work for the last ten years?"
"As much as it pains me to admit it, the sight of my children bickering with each other brings me great joy, " said Findis. I laughed.
"I imagine, Finda, that after years of scrutinising reports on the whereabouts of orcs and wargs, reading your work would be a welcome relief, " I said, with a smile.
Finda looked mollified and Glorfindel grateful, and the conversation turned to other subjects. What had happened in Lindon in the intervening years (mostly crop rotation issues) and Gil-galad's return which would hopefully herald a new golden age. I was interested to note that Finda and Findis avoided talking of the war - perhaps it was too painful as many Elves had been lost - or asking too many questions about me. I knew that they had to be slightly interested; Finda had already mentioned the (mostly true) rumours flying about. But perhaps they were being diplomatic, too.
At length, Glorfindel and his sister started talking about an idea he had for a new sort of quadrant he wanted to build and I listened to them talk over each other, get excited, tease each other then laugh. It made me wish I had a sibling. But I was glad to see him act like a child with someone. It was as if his responsibilities had been lifted from his shoulders in one fell swoop. He had clearly missed talking to her.
"Come," said Findis. "We will leave them to it, and I will take you to see the lake."
Together, we walked along a path through the meadow, quiet apart from birdsong and the wind, until we reached the vast lake.
"It's beautiful," I said. I was glad to be near water again. Glinting in the sunlight and gently lapping the shore, the lake made me feel peaceful again.
"It is," she agreed. We turned to walk along the side of the lake.
"I'm sorry if my arrival was somewhat of a shock," I said, after a while.
"He wrote and told us he was bringing someone home, but did not elaborate."
"No," I smiled, imagining Glorfindel's tendency to write short letters. "Military brevity. I imagine I'm not exactly what you were expecting," I continued, apprehensively.
"In truth, I did not expect Laurefinde to find anyone. He is widely admired, I know, but not well understood," Findis said, after a long pause.
I hummed in response. It was true, I thought.
"But I must thank you. He has not been content since his return, restless and unsettled, and low in spirits. But now I see he is full of joy."
My heart sang. I smiled.
"I'm mortal though. That must give you cause for concern."
His mother gave me a worried look. "Do you know it is generally considered taboo to discuss mortality with humans?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. It must be distressing for you," I said.
"No, sweetheart, it is for your sake. I do not wish to remind you of it."
I assured her that I didn't mind. Numenoreans might feel the loss of their ancestors' immortality, but it had never been in the cards for someone like me. She told me a little of Glorfindel's childhood, and spoke of happy days in Valinor before his father had died, then showed me her garden.
Findis grew vegetables, fruit, grain - and even had a vineyard. I was amazed that she could run what was essentially a small farm, and she laughed at me.
"I have had many centuries to create this all," she said. "I have it all fine tuned. I work in the morning, and in the afternoon, I meditate."
She showed me her meditation room, lined with carpets and rugs I recognised from the south, and candles. She showed me how she prayed to the Valar and for a while, I sat with her. Letting my mind wander, I thought about the sea and water, and wondered if I could swim in the lake. That was my idea of meditating.
But it made sense: Glorfindel was deeply spiritual, I knew that, and clearly it ran in the family. So I was glad that they had accepted me. And I thought that the loss of Glorfindel's father on the Helcaraxë must still be very difficult to bear. Glorfindel rarely mentioned his father, and I would never press him, but it was clear he was sorely missed.
I felt that Findis knew I loved him, and that was enough for her.
And so, for a few weeks, Glorfindel and I relaxed on his estate, swimming in the lake, observing the movements of the sky, and spending uninterrupted hours in bed whenever we felt like it. It was bliss.
One bright morning, a beaming Erestor showed up at the house with a bouquet of wildflowers. He bounded into Glorfindel's workshop and I realised that he had made himself a flower crown.
Glorfindel took one look at Erestor's pink cheeks and flower crown and set his tools down. He sighed.
"To what do we owe this pleasure," he said flatly.
"I come to share my great joy, but I can see you are in one of your grumpy moods. You can go speak to Gil-galad about me!" said Erestor with a cheeky smile. Glorfindel scowled at him, but seemed to take his advice. After all, he had not seen anyone other than me or his family for weeks now.
"I will be back in a few hours," he told me, and left.
"You have not told him?" asked Erestor in a low voice. I took him to the gardens and assured him I hadn't told Glor I knew about Erestor's sex advice (I thought he deserved a little privacy on that account) and we turned back to the subject Erestor wanted to discuss; his burgeoning relationship with the high-king. He regaled me with tales of outrageous flirting, kissing, and more.
Finda joined us with some tea after a while. For a second I wondered why they had never fallen in love; they were good friends, and both full of joy. But I wondered if it was a case of opposites attracting. Gil-galad was quiet where Erestor was full of laughter; they both needed the other.
"Well, we cannot bond the way two full Elves could. But I have never wanted that ," said Erestor.
"Glorfindel made out that it was rather important," I said, hesitantly. I did not want to embarrass Finda. While she and her mother must have known Glorfindel and I shared a bed, it was not something we discussed.
"We are not all as spiritual as Glorfindel. But then, I have never met Eru himself, or am friends with the Valar. I've only ever met one of them, but then, of course, we've all met Ulmo."
Erestor looked at me.
"Yes, Ulmo often wanders Middle Earth," said Finda. "Glorfindel is quite good friends with him, actually."
"And what of Gil-galad? Does he feel the same about bonding? Does he feel its loss?" I asked.
"What complaint can the Elvish high king have when I am in his bed?! He is very satisfied, let me assure you!" said Erestor with a wicked grin.
I burst out laughing and Finda went pink.
Glorfindel came into the garden, saw Erestor and I clutching each other and turned on his heel and left. This made us all laugh even harder.
But it was not enough to put him off, apparently He returned with a bottle of wine.
"Oh, yes!" said Finda, pouring out the crisp white wine into ornate crystal glasses.
"I assume Gil-galad has been singing my praises. Are you going to admit that it isn't all doom and gloom, and that in reality, everything has turned out quite well, Glor?" asked Erestor, grinning.
"There's still plenty of time for everything to go wrong," said Glorfindel, glaring at him.
"Shall we toast to peace?" I said, smiling.
"Peace!" cried Finda, and we raised our glasses. The wine was, in my limited experience, delicious.
A few days later, I rode over to see Elrond in his halls of healing. I had never seen him as at home before. He walked me through the infirmary, where there were a few men convalescing, what he called an 'operating theatre' that was empty, and some sort of walk-in clinic. There weren't many healers buzzing about, I was surprised to see, but they were fairly segregated: the human healers only treated their own kind, and the Elvish healers did the same.
"But you treat both?" I asked.
"I am both so I treat both," he confirmed. "Or… at least I am the only one who has studied how to heal both, and I used to be the only one who was interested. Until you."
"And dwarves," I said. "I want to be able to heal all the free people of Middle Earth."
Elrond laughed. "Dwarves are very secretive, and you know more about them than anyone else. But I admire your ambition, it is a noble one."
Elrond was pleased that I had done my training in Gondor, and showed me his plan for my training, which was intense. There was a long reading list, of books mostly in Sindarin, and then a plan for the next three years. Healing Elves was no mean feat.
"Valar above," I muttered.
Elrond smiled.
"Well, I like to be thorough," I said. There were so many things to learn, I thought, dismayed. But this is what I wanted, I thought. I wanted to master this, I reminded myself.
"We are also in need of a midwife, for the Elvish healers do not help the women, and we have far too few midwives of your experience."
And so I was to become a midwife again, I thought, with a smile. How things come full circle. He gave me a bundle of books to read and introduced me to a tall man called Allen, who was to take me to meet the pregnant women in the area, who would be giving birth soon.
I carefully put the books in my saddlebag and rode back to Glorfindel's house, my house too, I told myself. I was surprised he had not tried to discourage me from riding to Elrond's hall of healings by myself, as it was three leagues away, but as I cantered along the road I was not short of companionship. No less than ten people, Elves and men, greeted me by name, and I realised that Glorfindel was well-known and that made me well-known.
"I suppose everywhere I go, there will be eyes upon me," I complained, as I untied my dress later. Glorfindel lay back on the bed, lazily watching me.
"There is no escape," he said, solemnly, trying not to smile. I huffed, and he shot forward and grabbed me, pulling me towards him and pinning me down. I tried to wriggle out of his grip as he held me down and softly kissed my breasts. "No escape, none at all," he muttered.
"'Stor is right, you are a bully," I said, laughing, but he pinned my legs down with his, and began to suck my nipples and I soon shut up.
A few days later, Finda and I were riding through the countryside, when we came upon a large archery range. She noticed me looking at the archers, and asked if I would like to spend some time there. We left our horses in a nearby stable, and she searched for a bow I could use. It had been several years since I had touched a bow - not since I had left Tolfalas.
"Glorfindel prefers the sword, but I like the bow better," said Finda, easily stringing a bow for me.
I tried to warm up my shoulders before I took the bow from her. Finda was a good teacher, calm and patient, and not patronising. But it reminded me of the times Lind and I had spent at the archery range in her father's holding, and I felt a pang of loneliness. I no longer had any human friends, and that was strange. I missed Elwen more than I thought.
After a while, I realised something was happening far down the line of practising archers. I stuck my head out and looked to see what it could be.
It was Celebrian, in a plain brown dress with a frilly white blouse. A few men had stopped looking at their targets and were staring at her instead. One of them had accidentally hit the bullseye on the target of another man, and men were jeering at each other. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She saw us, and made her way over.
"Ai, will we have no peace," muttered Finda. I was surprised. Did they not like each other? I had thought I was the only one who didn't like Celebrian (Glorfindel seemed neutral on the subject of her, he neither liked nor disliked her, was willing to tolerate her, but wouldn't engage on his own volition).
We all bowed the Elvish way to each other.
"Celebrian," I said.
"Finda," she said, looking at Glorfindel's sister, apprehensively.
"Celebrian," Finda replied.
There was a beat.
"Minnow," I said.
Finda raised her eyebrow at me, amused.
"Would you like to join us?" I asked. Celebrian looked at me, as if she had just noticed me, and tilted her head in acquiescence. Her bow was almost as tall as her, elaborately carved and looked heavy. I noticed Haldir was close by. He was probably her personal guard, I thought. He scowled at me. I didn't stick my tongue out at him, which I considered emotional growth.
"You have some skill," she said. "For a human girl."
I thanked her and she told me I would improve with practice.
"Where are Nessa and Miriel?" asked Finda, as she pulled back the bowstring back with vigour. The arrow went deep into the target, over a hundred metres away.
"None of my handmaidens wanted to leave Lothlorien," Celebrian said, at length.
Oh Valar - Celebrian was a little lonely, I realised. And she and Finda had history.
"Change!" came the shout. I looked around, confused and then followed suit as we all walked towards our targets, removed the arrows and walked back.
"Perhaps I should take your advice and practise more," I said, after I had shot two more arrows, one of which had only reached the outer circles. "I would be glad of the company," I told her, with a look.
"I will easily outmatch you," she sniffed.
"Challenge accepted!" I said with a smile. She turned and looked at me, and smiled.
"You are a stubborn little thing. Elrond is very fond of you."
"He may not be so fond of me when I mix up all the different snakes and their poisons that he insists on me learning! I'd never even seen a snake until I left Tolfalas!" I said, brightly.
Celebrian looked torn between amusement and concern, and Finda and I stayed for a little while longer before we left.
Later that day, as we were riding back, Finda stopped her horse suddenly.
"I must tell you, I think befriending Celebrian is a mistake," she said. I slowed my horse down too.
"Perhaps. But I think one day she will marry Elrond…" I said. I did not think she was without hope, as cruel as she had been to me. Lord Celeborn had thought we would become great friends, and I'd never seen anyone who needed companionship to soften out her kinks so badly. I was making a habit out of collecting and reforming spoilt princesses, I thought.
"I think she's as poisonous as those snakes you cannot recognise," Finda warned. "Her handmaidens were treacherous mischief-makers. And her mother wants Glor for a son. Nerwen is… dangerous."
Nerwen must be Galadriel's Quenya name, I thought.
"I know. I wish they hadn't come to Lindon. But I think she and Elrond will marry eventually… so I will try. You don't have to come with me, though. I got the impression the two of you weren't friends!" I said, trying to be lighthearted.
"They will not be happy together," snapped Finda. "I wish people would stop getting married, I don't understand why everyone wants to change!"
I flinched, wondering if that was meant for me.
"I'm sorry! I did not mean you and Glor, truly I am happy for him," she said, in a rush.
"I know," I said, kindly. But I didn't know. Perhaps she was worried for her brother, I thought. Who could blame her? Change was inevitable, and had always been something I embraced - had even looked for, but then I was not an immortal Elvish lady whose life was practically perfect in every way.
We made rather strained conversation on the way back, and I was worried it had stalled our burgeoning friendship.
"Befriending Celebrian is a very 'Minnow' thing to do," said Glorfindel, later that night. I was reading about snakes in bed, the big tome balanced on my knees. "Do you imagine that you can turn her into your next Elwen?" he asked.
I kicked him. "No! But she's been sheltered, stuck in a bubble with no real friends."
"Do not bring her here," warned Glorfindel.
I promised I wouldn't as I pulled him in for a kiss.
A few days later, Glor and I went to Gil-galad's house for dinner where we dined with Elrond, Erestor and Lindir in a beautiful room that overlooked a waterfall. Elrond had designed it, for he was a budding architect as well as a warrior, and a healer (and a frustrated lover). He had many strings to his bow, I thought.
Again, the food was better than anything I had ever tasted in Tolfalas or Gondor. Findis had walked me through her large vegetable garden and herb gardens, and I was surprised to find I knew only about half of what she grew. These northern lands, I found, had such a different climate, that they didn't grow anything I was used to.
I was content to savour the food and listen to my friends for most of the meal.
"I have never known such happiness," said Gil-galad, serenely, pouring me a glass of wine, after we had finished dinner. "And I find I have you to thank for it.
"I think you deserve it, what with killing Sauron and all," I said. "But I will take any credit you think is due!"
I could see he and Erestor were discreetly holding hands under the table.
"You have curious taste," said Glorfindel. "But I suppose we should not punish you for it."
"I am sure that there are many who say the same about you, Glor," I said, tartly. He rolled his eyes.
"Well, Erestor is your problem now," said Glorfindel. "You can't give him back."
Gil-galad smiled, mildly amused.
"I am a catch and I have been caught," said Erestor, winking at Gil-galad.
"It's just us now, El," said Lindir. "Bachelors, Elves about town, we should enjoy it while it lasts!"
Elrond smiled wanly, and I thought of how hard it must be for him. Having Celebrian so close, and yet being so far from what he wanted.
When we rode home, I thought about it at length. Lindon was beautiful, and it was very different - living on the mainland in one place in a country estate, rather than following the army about - than anything I had ever experienced. This was contentment, I told myself.
"We are lucky," I told Glorfindel, as we got ready for bed. "And I am your problem now and you can't give me back!
"As if I would," he said, sweeping me up and throwing me on the bed. He stripped off his tunic and smiled at me, really smiled. He was so different now that he was no longer a soldier, I thought, as he started undressing me. Softer, sweeter, less tense.
The sex was different as well. We no longer had to snatch what private time together that we could - I spent more time with Glorfindel than anyone else now, and we had a lot of privacy. And so, the sex become slower, more intense, more all encompassing in our own, very large space. We were loud. I didn't think he was taking directions from Erestor any more (though if he were, I didn't need to know about it). Sometimes we fell asleep together afterwards, and I woke up and saw his eyes were closed, and he was dreaming.
And so, my days fell into a routine and I became busy. In the mornings, I met with Celebrian before my training with Elrond, who was a thoughtful and imaginative teacher, while Glorfindel trained his soldiers. In the afternoons, I spent some time in the healer's halls, where I mostly tended to children and women. I was called out to people's houses to look at their babies. I met many people. But it was never as urgent as war had been, and I had a lot of free time.
We ate dinner with his mother and sister every night. I had thought I would spend a lot of time with the Elves and their community, but Glorfindel took me for long walks, showing me rivers and meadows, or tried to improve my houseriding skills.
Or we just stayed in bed. I could not complain. Two months after we had arrived, my period came back after the potion I had taken and the stress of Mordor and Isildur, Glorfindel thought I was dying and burst into tears. It took a long time to convince him that this was normal.
"I'm a midwife! You must believe me," I told him, gathering up sheets. I had been waiting for my stress levels to go down and my period to come back for a long time, and was pleased that it had.
"Do mortal women bleed every month?" he said, aghast.
"Unfortunately so," I replied, and briefly explained human fertility.
"Elleth and ellons just choose when to have a child, and their bodies… make it so," he said, thoughtfully.
"Urgh," I said, resentfully. Sometimes Elves had it so easy.
"Yours is a messy and inelegant way of organising things," he said. I threw a shoe at him and told him to bring me some tea. He looked confused and a little alarmed, but brought me a pot of my favourite jasmine tea and some fruit and tentatively gave it to me. He watched me with concerned eyes. In some ways, the dull ache was comforting, but it was also inconvenient and painful.
"I'm not dying, Glorfindel, stop staring at me," I said after a while. He sighed, and grabbed my hand and kissed it, before sitting at the end of the bed, leaning against the post.
"You know, elleths' pregnancies last a year," he said.
"A year?!" I cried. I had not come to that with Elrond yet.
"Yes," he confirmed.
A year being pregnant, I thought, horrified. What would that do to a body?
"Valar above," I said, weakly. "Perhaps Elves don't have it so easy after all. Go get me more tea."
He acquiesced.
It had been a long time since my last period, I thought, wearily as I lay on the bed and felt sorry for myself. It had returned with a vengeance and had brought with it exhaustion and irritability. I didn't think I could ride to my apprenticeship with Elrond. Luckily, I was not seeing any pregnant patients today.
"I do not think I will be warm enough in the winter with these open windows," I said, sadly, hearing Glorfindel return.
"I will build wooden shutters for you. Drink your tea and go back to sleep."
But lolling about, reading Sindarin poetry and drinking tea could only last a day before I had to get back in the saddle. I rode slowly over to Elrond's halls of healing, and made myself some pain relief, and started on another course of contraceptives. I suddenly felt a huge longing for Isobel. I had met her the first time I had made myself a contraceptive after my night with Glorfindel. I sniffed. There were a few human healers, but none my age and while they had not been unfriendly, they had not been terribly friendly either. I was not used to it: usually I inspired friendship quickly (Isobel, Thavron, Erestor and Thalion) or the opposite (Haldir, Isildur, Galadriel). Casual indifference was new to me. Perhaps they would warm up to me, I thought, miserably.
"Good morning, Healer Minnow," said Allen, knocking me out of my self-pity. He was a quiet, middle-aged man with reddish hair and mild manners who I had not drawn out of his shell on our visits to the pregnant women around Lindon. "Lord Elrond is occupied with an Elvish patient, but there is a woman in fifties who has cysts removed from her ovaries. Could you check and clean her stitches?"
Elrond, the magic Elf that he was, had the ability to see inside people's bodies. He was very vague about his powers for the most part, never over-promising, never scaring people, but always reassuring and being a calm presence. He then ushered them into his operating theatre, and cut their bodies open, and they thanked him.
Elves didn't get ill in this way, he explained. No cancers, diseases, cysts, but their spirits - their fea - had to be soothed. They could be badly affected by dark magic in their soul if they were ever injured, and that was a whole area of medicine that I had never even heard of before.
Naturally, Elrond could do everything.
I gathered what I needed and approached the lady in question. She was not of the nobility or merchant class from her apparel, which was clean but homely, neat but repatched several times. She was dozing, spittle around her mouth, and she was snoring lightly. I gently roused her and asked permission before I looked at her stitches.
"What's your name?" she asked, roughly, looking at me up and down.
"Most people call me Mistress Healer, but I am Minnow," I said, wiping the neat stitches on her abdomen. They were tiny and I knew they must be Elrond's.
"You!" she shrieked and pushed me roughly off her.
"Are you well?" I asked, worriedly, as she looked wildly around until she saw Allen, who walked quickly towards us. It was a slow day in the infirmary, and there was only one other patient in a bed.
"I don't want that slut anywhere near me! Who knows what degenerate things she does with Elves!" she shouted, standing up, her spit flying everywhere. Allen grabbed her before she fell
I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. I could tell my cheeks were flushed: I could feel the heat emanating off me. I wordlessly turned, staring at the floor and walked out out the infirmary.
"ELF FUCKER!" I heard her scream.
Elrond found me not long after, hiding in a laundry cupboard, tears treacherously but silently gliding down my face.
"Tell me, Elrond, as my friend… she is not the only one who believes and says such things, is she?" I asked.
He sighed, and slid down the wall and sat next to me.
"Glorfindel has been hiding it from you these last three months, I see," he said, with a heavy sigh. "But Minnow, you saw the woman was unwell in her mind, too. Take that into account. Please."
"There are many men and women who think I'm… a degenerate?" I asked, my lip wobbling. I didn't think one such incident could upset me so, but it had been a shock. Elrond pulled out a handkerchief and gave it to me. I dabbed my eyes but they kept quietly coming. It was because I was on my period, I told myself savagely, and I was sensitive.
"It is a brave thing, to love someone," Elrond told me. "It's even braver still to love someone different to you."
"We're different species… it is a little unusual," I admitted. "Difficult to understand."
"I am the product of many unusual relationships, but they all had one thing in common," said Elrond.
I wondered what he was going to say.
"They all loved each other fiercely, as you and Glorfindel do," he said. I smiled at that.
"I quite like being an Elf fucker," I said, mischievously. Elrond laughed and pulled me up. We began our lesson on Elvish souls, and I thought back on what all his ancestors' relationships had in common as well as love. The answer was death.
When I got home, I found that Glorfindel had been called to the border and didn't have time to leave me a note.
"Rebel orcs," said Finda. I sighed. I desperately wanted to talk to him about what had happened, and if public opinion was against me.
In Glorfindel's absence Finda continued his work in the observatory alone, and I delivered three children in three weeks and shadowed Elrond as he healed some Elves who were struggling to adapt back to peacetime. Some had injuries that even Elrond couldn't heal, and I listened intently but it was draining. I could see it was draining for even Elrond.
And two or three times a week, Celebrian told me my archery did not shame my ancestors and asked for news of Glorfindel. This annoyed me greatly as I had none. I had expected none. And I didn't like to be questioned by her.
Haldir's presence was beginning to grate on my nerves.
I missed Glorfindel so much that I couldn't sleep, and I took to meditating with Findis in the evenings. Her gentle presence was a tonic for the soul and relaxed me.
After I delivered yet another child into the world, and was cleaning the baby and wondering when this post-war baby boom would end, the mother and her sister started questioning me for outside news. They lived the farthest away Allen had ever taken me, in a remote and ramshackle cottage and were desperate for gossip. Brienna had told me that the father of her child had died in the war, but her sister Tarwenna had revealed the pregnancy was a result of a liaison outside a local tavern after Brienna's shift behind the bar had ended. I liked the two of them, and admired their strong bond.
"And have you met the Elf princess, Mistress Healer?" asked Tarwenna. "You must tell us everything for we won't have no visitors for a long time now."
"I'll be back in two weeks to check on your nephew, don't worry, I can bring you outside news," I said smilingly.
"Have you thought of a name, Miss?" asked Allen, averting his eyes as I showed Brienna how to breastfeed. The baby mewled a little.
"Jon," she said, after a pause. He wrote it down in his little book all the births for Elrond who recorded it in a large tome. He was trying to get a census together, which was easier to for the whereabouts of Elves, but proved different for humans and how many children they had - and how often.
"I have met Lady Celebrian as it happens. She is beautiful beyond measure. Long, slightly wavy hair, eyes a deep blue, and a melodic voice. And she is very tall!" I said.
"I saw the high-king once, before he went to war," said Brienna, as I checked her pulse. "Handsome as! Maybe they'll marry… be like something out a story. Princess and a king."
"All Elves are handsome, Bri," said Tarwenna. "Here, you ever seen the whore?"
"Excuse me?" I asked, shocked.
"The Elvish whore," she clarified. Rather scandalised, I told her that there were no Elvish whores, but she explained further. "I heard from Duncan who heard it off of Kendrick who says he was told by Skandra that one of the high Elves has got himself a woman and he keeps her locked up in his castle out west!"
"No, it was north and it was a palace," said Brienna, distractedly.
"I… no," I floundered. I didn't dare look at Allen.
"He bought her in Gondor mebbe, or her met her here. Must be a good whore if he keeps her about. They're good lovers, I hear, Elves. A lot of Gondorians have come to Lindon, I spose, like yourself, Mistress, can't all be for Elves though."
"Right," I said, wondering how to extract myself from the conversation. I started to gather my things.
"They don't half get about though, Elves," continued Tarwenna, cleaning up some of the mess. She looked up at me, and saw I was confused. "Them half-Elves. Fuck anything that'll move," she said.
" Really? " I said, before I could stop myself. "No, I don't think that's true."
"You sure you're a midwife?" she asked, her hand on her hip, smiling cheekily at me.
"Just for humans," I said, regaining myself just in time. I gave my instructions and said I would see them in two weeks.
It was a long ride back, and I couldn't look Allen in the face. When we reached the healing halls, it was almost nightfall.
"You won't… repeat anything you heard?" I asked Allen as I stabled my horse.
"I'm Elrond's man through and through," he said, with a soft smile.
I thought that was a no.
I was putting all the equipment I had taken to Brienna's back, when Elrond found me and told me to stay in his household for the night.
"I would accompany you home, but I think you are too tired and have ridden far today," he said. I gratefully accepted.
Elrond and I shared a meal together, which felt a little strange at first. We were friends, and I was his apprentice, and spent a lot of time together, but not like this. I didn't think he used his dining room often. I picked at my roasted vegetables, lost in thought.
"You don't often eat here, do you?" I asked. He told me he didn't. After a little interrogation, he told me that he usually dined in Gil-galad's hall with the other high ranking Elves in Lindon, unless there was a private dinner. "But you're not taking me there," I said, putting it all together.
"It would be… unwise," he said at length.
"What is going on?" I asked, plaintively.
"This is a matter for you and Glorfindel," he said, delicately.
I resisted the urge to throw my plate at the wall, and took a deep breath in. Instead I told him how it was now roughly nine months after the war had ended, and we would see a sharp number of babies being born in Lindon after soldiers had returned. I told him I thought there would be an even bigger spike in Gondor, and we discussed his attempt at creating a census, and how many people were in Middle Earth right now.
Two days later, Glorfindel returned, bedraggled and grinning. I sat through a dinner with Finda and Findis, aching with happiness that he was back, he was here, he was mine, and I could finally, finally talk to him.
As soon as we finished dinner, he dragged me to our rooms and kissed my ear against the doorway. I kissed his back, and he practically threw me on the bed. I laughed at his exuberance, but he immediately pulled up my skirts. Without any preamble, he pulled my legs apart and palmed my hips, squeezing me and then his fingers were brushing my clitoris and entering me. But then he slowed his pace. He dragged his fingers out slowly, and I forgot to breathe. He immediately swept his tongue across my clit before sliding his fingers back in and I tried to swallow my gasps but couldn't. Instead I wrapped my legs around his face and squeezed, and he kept the pace slow, curling his fingers occasionally, and his tongue firm against my clitoris.
"Oh Glor," I breathed, as he edged me further and further towards my climax. I came with a scream, not knowing whether to push him away or pull him in deeper, the pulsing pleasure was too much.
He leant back, and I could see his upper lip and chin were wet from my arousal. Instinctually, I leant forward and kissed him, tasting myself. He pushed me back down and ripped off his clothes.
"Tell me you want me," he said, pushing himself inside me.
"I want you," I gasped, overwhelmed. He pulled my arms above my head and held me down.
"Say you want me to make you mine," he said.
"I want you to make me your own," I said, shuddering. He leaned his forehead against mine for a brief moment, and then he grabbed my legs and pulled them against his chest. I screamed: it was too intense, he was so deep inside me… the angle…
It's not bad to enjoy this, I told myself. It doesn't make me a whore , I whispered to myself. I was going to orgasm again, and I could tell Glorfindel was too. He started tensing, and grabbed my hips again, bending my legs as he fucked me roughly and deeply. I came with a shudder, tightening around him as he came a few seconds later. We fell into a pile and he held me close against him, kissing my shoulder.
"There's something I want… to talk… to you about," I said, sleepily. But Glorfindel was already breathing heavily, his eyes clothed. He was knackered, I realised, and probably hadn't slept the whole time he was away. I sighed.
I woke up in the morning in his arms, smiling in my sleep.
"I missed you so much!" I rebuked him and he laughed, before turning solemn, telling me about where he had been, and the orc rebellion. Glorfindel bit my cheek, then kissed down my neck and breathed me in, hugging me tightly.
"Are you happy?" I asked.
"Incandescently so," he said.
Ask him, I told myself. You want to know, you want to hear it. You know the answer. Be brave, Minnow.
"Do you love me?" I asked, looking into his grey eyes. He looked shocked, and sat up. Perhaps when we were both naked and vulnerable was not the best time to ask after all.
"How can you ask me such a thing?" he said, after a long pause. It was not a response I had anticipated.
"You've never said it," I said, slowly.
"So you do not know what is in my heart because I have not spoken it aloud to you?" he said, angrily, getting out of bed. I watched him dress, confused and upset.
"It's just words, Glor, why can't you just say them? I would like you to say it back to me."
"Why must you get your own way in every single instance?" he snapped.
"I do not!" I cried.
"You know how I feel. Everything I have, I have given to you. You make such demands on me, sometimes I think you don't even realise!"
"Why is it so hard for you to just say that you love me?" I cried, getting out of bed and pulling on yesterday's dress.
"I show you I love you with my every action!" he shouted, and stormed out.
I burst into tears.
Why was compromise so hard? Did I ask too much? I wanted a human relationship with an Elf, and he wanted an Elven relationship with a human. Meeting in the middle may have been the logical conclusion, but it was an uneasy balancing act that required more strength than I realised.
After I had washed and dressed, I couldn't find him. Findis was in her vineyard, and I thought Finda might be in her workshop, but I didn't want to check in case she was there with her brother. I didn't want an audience.
I was in a terrible mood, angry and upset, with nowhere to go and no one I felt I could talk to. Everyone was Glorfindel's friend first - I had not yet made any friends of my own. In a huff at my own stupidity - that wasn't even what I had wanted to argue about - I rode to the infirmary, and feeling agitated and selfish, I listened to Elrond talk about… well, something.
"I thought you'd feel better when Glorfindel returned," Elrond said, worriedly.
"I'm fine," I lied.
He sent me home. But I couldn't bear to face Glorfindel, and instead, I went to the archery range and furiously attacked the target for a few hours. Celebrian and Haldir weren't there, and after a while, I began to calm down.
Glorfindel and I would make up, I told myself. He would calm down, I will calm down, and together, we will hash things out, I repeated. I understood, I saw how people from different lands, from different classes and cultures expressed themselves differently.
But what of the people who were calling me his whore? Who thought he had me locked in his palace? How were we to reconcile over that?
I had lived in this land for four months, and apart from his family, I had made no friends. I was adapting shockingly badly. In the war, I made friends easily. Wherever I went, and I was never anywhere for long. But I had made enemies too, I told myself.
But I had not been as isolated. I thought he had kept me to himself in his grounds, going on our walks, having our picnics, having lots of sex, because we were in love. And perhaps that was half the truth - and the other half was that Gil-galad's court, as it were, was no place for me. Or that a noble high Elf could keep his mistress in his bed, but not take a low-born healer with no father to court in peacetime.
I was too agitated to ride, so I took a detour from the road, and walked my horse over the land and through a wood. My thoughts were dark, and in turns I lambasted myself for thinking so ill of Glorfindel - he wasn't embarrassed of me. And Gil-galad adored me. He had thanked me for his current happiness.
In private, I thought, treacherously.
Don't cry, I told myself, just don't.
At length, as I noisily crashed through the meadow, I realised I was being followed. Turning around to confront them in a panic, I found it was Galadriel. Shocked, I stared at her wordlessly. Just my luck, I thought. I hadn't seen her since we arrived in Lindon.
For a full minute, we just stared at each other. She was inexplicably barefoot, and wearing a long white dress, her long blonde curls making her look girlish. But her face was solemn. I felt unkempt, sweaty in my work dress, and I had calluses on my right hand from spending too long at the bow.
Luckily the shock of seeing her had killed my tears. I turned away but she called my name. She told me she wished to speak to me, but I said I was busy, and turned to leave.
"You ought to know, I am not to be trifled with," said Galadriel, matching me stride for stride.
Yes, I thought, nastily, but not for reasons you might think. She began to speak about my "liason" with Glorfindel, and began a character assassination of me. I began to wonder if she was behind all the ill rumours of me.
"In short, you have drawn him in!" she said with a flourish.
"Perhaps that is so," I said, evenly, leading my horse on.
"What you fail to understand Glorfindel is betrothed to my daughter," she said.
"You know that is only true in your head," I snapped.
"It is how it should be! And for their union to be prevented by a girl of inferior birth and of no importance in the world. Do you pay no regard to the wishes of his friends? To his tacit engagement with Celebrian? Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy?"
"Delicacy! Ha! You're not delicate! And his friends love me," I said, my lip wobbling.
"Glorfindel has many friends. Or should I say 'had'?"
I flinched. This was far too close to the bone and I could feel my cheeks burning. She grabbed the reins of my horse.
"You cannot expect to be noticed by his family or friends, if you wilfully act against the inclinations of all. You are censured, slighted, and despised, by everyone connected with him. Your alliance is a disgrace; your name will never even be mentioned by any of us."
I had never come so close to punching a female in my life.
"Don't be ridiculous, I live with his family, and the high-king himself owes me his life and happiness, you censorious-" I shouted.
"IS THE MEMORY OF GONDOLIN TO BE THUS POLLUTED?" she screamed, and I felt the full effect of her power wash over me in waves.
"I'm not… I'm not polluting anything…" I stammered, feeling dizzy.
"I have seen it, I have seen them together in my mirror," she hissed.
"And does everything in your mirror come to pass?" I asked, breathlessly.
Galadriel was breathing heavily. It seemed like the loss of control of her power had affected her too. "Not yet," was the clipped answer. She glared at me and I was surprised to see a teardrop trail down her face.
"What's wrong?" I asked before I could help it. She turned away and stared into the distance.
"I have seen something only the might of Glorfindel can remedy in my mirror. My daughter will be defiled. By yrchs ."
"Oh Valar," I said, breathlessly. "I am sorry."
"She needs the strongest Elf there ever was to protect her," said Galadriel, desperately.
I pitied her then, and thought that all of this stemmed from fear for her daughter's safety. It was hard to dislike her as much as I wanted to. "Glorfindel will protect Celebrian regardless of who she is married to. You know that," I said.
"She needs constant protection! The protection of a husband. The strength of a husband!"
"But Elrond is a strong Elf. A healer ."
"He is not strong enough. Only Glorfindel can protect her."
"There are many different kinds of strength, and all kinds are needed when there is trouble," I said.
"You selfish girl, you will ruin us all."
"My lady," I sighed, feeling as if I had run a mile. "Even if I gave him up, he would never marry her. You must know this. He doesn't love her."
"You don't care about him either, or you would never have tried for him. You should have left him alone. Your death will destroy him."
Galadriel marched off. I watched her dazzling white dress disappear into the gloom, and I realised I was utterly lost, and it was getting dark.
Feeling pathetic, I started to cry. Someone cleared his throat and I turned around and it was Haldir.
"Valar, why, what have I done to deserve this," I said, wretchedly.
"What's wrong with you? You're leaking ," he accused.
"For Valar's sake, Haldir, I'm crying, not leaking. Humans can cry, too," I snapped.
"She's not going to die. I would never let anything happen to Celebrian," he said, stiffly. "I have even left the beauty of the woods of Lothlorien to come to this… place."
I could see this was a huge sacrifice for him.
"I don't want her to be hurt, either. She is… my friend," I said, slowly.
How did I collect such odd friends, I wondered. Did Glorfindel feel the same about his motley group of Elves?
"You are not worth being friends with," Haldir told me.
For once, I did not have an ironic comment to defend myself with. Haldir somewhat redeemed himself by helping me on my horse, and leading me out of the meadow and onto a road. I was not far from home, I found thankfully, but Glorfindel was not there when I arrived.
"He's at court," said Finda, who looked like she wanted to say more. We were eating dinner together but I was too upset to swallow anything. "Talks about… orc whereabouts."
"I see," I said, quietly. I heard her and Findis quietly talking in Quenya that evening, but I was too heartsick to dwell on it. I couldn't sleep for a long time, so instead I listened to the wind rustling through the trees. I thought of Celebrian, and if she knew about her mother's vision, and what it must feel like to live under such a threatening cloud - of something that may or not happen. I could almost understand Galadriel's behaviour. She wanted to be able to control something in her daughter's life. She wanted to protect her.
Oh, but women are never protected in this life, I thought, miserably.
I dreamt of the sea, and a man telling me something important, but I forgot what it was as soon as I woke up.
The next day, I felt slightly renewed. I cornered Finda and asked her a few questions. What Galadriel had said was weighing heavily on my mind. Had Glorfindel and his family lost friends because of me? She looked hesitant to answer them, which gave me my answer.
"There are some who have… rescinded their friendship," she said, reluctantly, after a long pause.
"He has never mentioned it," I said, dully.
"Then perhaps it is of no matter to him," she said brightly.
"Is it of no matter to you?" I asked, worriedly.
"No true friend has left me," she said, with a sad smile.
I embraced her, but didn't feel reassured at all.
I put on my favourite dress and my boots. I was going to court, I decided. Damn them all. I would show them that Minnow, of Tolfalas and Lindon, was not to be reckoned with.
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