Elves in Lust
Glorfindel was not panicking. No, he was definitely not panicking. He was thousands of years old, and he was in complete control of his emotions. He was the general of the combined Elvish armies, for Valar's sake. He had killed a Balrog. He had come back to life. He could handle anything. But this was a new emotion, and one which scared him.
He admonished himself. This desire was nothing to fear: Minnow wasn't a silmaril. She was a person. She didn't mean his doom. She didn't burn his hands.
But he felt on the edge of something, slightly out of control and over-excitable in a way that he had never felt before.
They were in a cave, and it was raining; yet another grim day fighting this awful war. Erestor was whistling, Valar forsake him - that Elf would be cheerful in Mordor itself. And yet, out of everyone, it was his advice Glorfindel needed most.
He hadn't thought much of her when he first saw her. Just another mortal girl; mucky, over-confident, wary of him. He had been in extreme pain and was cursing his own recklessness. He rarely got an injury, and that one had perplexed even Elrond. When she had returned with a lodestone, he started to take a lot more notice of her… but when she appeared, clean, smelling like soap and her hair, her hair framing her face and those freckles…
A hot flush had appeared over his face as she had peered at him and his wound. A strange and unwanted feeling had washed over him as she had asked for his name (why had that felt so intimate?) and he had found out hers. Minnow. And then shame, hot burning shame as he realised that for the first time in his life, he had an erection. Elrond pretended not to notice, and Glorfindel, exhausted, aroused and confused, insisted that they leave and return to the Elvish camp (where he would be safe) at once.
It was a fluke, he had told himself. Nothing more. He would forget her face, he told himself. She would be dead soon enough; the human healers in Elendil's armies didn't live long.
When she appeared at their camp a few weeks later, covered in mud, bruised beyond belief, with that wet mop of a soldier, he was astonished. After interrogating the prince, he found out that it was her that had pushed the boy on, her that pulled him out of the pit of dead bodies, her that had shouted to the Elves for help.
A gift for survival, and the broken ribs to show for it.
Valar, but he despised Elros' descendants. She had thrown up on his boots, passed out, utterly spent, while that fool had looked around gormlessly. At least he hadn't pretended that he had saved her: he wasn't a liar at least. And she had no idea who she had just saved!
She had seemed to favour Elrond. The irony. It made him want to laugh; of course the one person that Glorfindel was drawn to was in turn drawn to Elrond. He had noticed mortal women adored Elrond, and often found ellons to be too ethereal for their liking. He had once heard that they looked too feminine; it was the long hair and lack of beard, he supposed. He wasn't as pretty as Gil-galad, but then the high-king liked attention from men.
He kept seeking Minnow out. Curious, he told himself, because she was a mortal woman, and therefore an anomaly. Every time he told himself it would be the last time, but he broke every promise to himself.
And she got angry with him. She saw him crying, and he wanted her to comfort him. He had never desired that from anyone before.
Giving her his necklace had been a way out. In a way it was a relief. She would marry that clown, and Glorfindel would carry on doing his duty, knowing that no one else would ever draw his eye, so there was no fear of distraction ever again. But also, he thought, knowing that someone else (in this case, a total moron) was married to his wife . She should be his wife, but she could never be. He could never join souls with her. It wasn't a possibility.
She is nothing to me, he had told himself. Satisfied with his total indifference, he then wrestled the box of supplies out of Elrond's arms and dashed over to the camp to give them to her, excited to see her again.
She looked confused when he showed up and jealousy flared up again: she wanted to see Elrond, he realised with dismay.
In revenge he flirted with Elwen, a truly beautiful woman whose Elvish heritage shone in her face, at the remembrance dinner for Orophir, and Minnow hadn't even noticed. He had teased her for being covered in mud (something which would rile up any elleth) but she just grinned at him. He couldn't make her out at all. But she cried when he sang a lament. But she wasn't in the Song. It was confusing, he thought.
He had stared at her during dinner until Gil-galad had kicked him under the table. But he was glad he had: he realised she understood enough Elvish to understand when they were talking about her. The distraught look on her face pained him.
"Is this going to be a problem?" asked Gil-galad, after the dinner.
"No," said Glorfindel, unsure of himself for the first time in forever.
At one point he realised he was in serious danger of being bewitched. And then he realised that he had passed the point of no return. Whatever the cost, he had to have her. His jealousy of the prince whenever Minnow smiled at Anarion was strong and it took a lot of effort to control himself. How on middle earth did Gil-galad cope when Erestor took off with another woman from the court at Lindon, he wondered. Minnow didn't seem particularly interested in Anarion, and he hated seeing them together. When she had been made a lady, he realised that things were afoot. Elendil either meant for Anarion to marry her, or Isildur to leave her alone - or both. They're meant to be together; she would make such a good queen, she would make him a better king - a good king, he told himself.
I'll be friends with her, he told himself. She was easy to talk to he found, and he told her things he didn't mention to anyone else. His father's death. How he worried for Lalaith. He wished he could tell her about her own father, but he couldn't. She seemed ambivalent about knowing. Later, he would realise that she was angry at her father for leaving her mother alone and pregnant. He admired her independence, and wondered if she was lonely. He began to feel lonely without her.
What had possessed him to say that beauty was in the eye of the beholder to her? He may as well have shouted that no Elf had freckles and they were considered strange human blemishes but her uneven dusting of freckles on her nose were forever etched upon his mind. Or that she would not be counted among the beauties of Middle Earth but the way she threw back her head when she laughed was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. Or that he had a dream about her, and it had not been a chaste, romantic dream.
When he saw her with a baby, he panicked. She looked so natural, holding the child in her arms, and for a second a flare of jealousy consumed him. It must be Anarion's child, he thought, distraught, they had a child together. Anarion had bedded her and not married her, he thought, angrily.
But it wasn't her baby - it was a friend's. He had been right that it was an illegitimate baby of royal lineage, but he had got the father wrong. A different brother.
The idea of Minnow with a baby tore him to shreds. She had brought the child to cheer up Lalaith, and strangely it had worked. But it was painful to see.
"Please stop glaring at that child," asked Elrond, exasperated.
The baby had shown him how far his infatuation had gone. He could never have children with her, his idle fantasies about being with her were fruitless, ridiculous even. She was young and a different species. Nothing could ever happen, ever. Ever ever, he told himself. It is wrong to think about it. And it is not returned, he told himself bitterly.
He had started avoiding her.
When Elrond had said that he was upset because he felt overlooked by her - "the object of his affection" the half-Elf had said - it rankled.
"This is definitely a problem now, " commented Gil-galad, mildly.
"Is Erestor a problem for you?" snapped Glorfindel.
"Yes. I fear my quest to destroy Sauron will claim my life, and I wonder if I should tell 'Stor that my heart belongs to him, or if it would be better not to burden him with it," he said, calmly. How could he say such devastating thoughts aloud with such serenity, wondered Glorfindel.
"I will conquer it," he vowed.
He did not conquer it.
He had volunteered to take her to the Brown Lands before he realised what he was doing. Elrond and Gil-galad were increasingly worried about Isildur's erratic behaviour, and didn't want him to go anywhere near the dwarves or Minnow. The idea of spending so long in her company was a mixture of enticing and horrifying.
I'm just here to keep her safe, he told himself, and tried to pretend she was cargo. He watched her while she slept, so vulnerable and worried-looking.
She was a poor horsewoman, he noticed. He wondered if she'd ever been on a horse before. She was stiff, and fell off her horse at one point. She was angry at him, and he felt helpless, dismayed, out of his depth and resentful. He had come to help her with this task, and she was annoyed at him.
When she told him that she was aware of his… feelings for her, and had overheard his conversation with Elrond, he had never been so ashamed of himself. He had spoken poorly of her (what had she done to deserve that? Nothing), and had clearly offended her. He was handling this badly, he thought, ruefully.
But she didn't seem to understand that his feelings were inappropriate. She was a young mortal woman, and he was millennia old.
She spoke so warmly of Elrond and said he was handsome that he could not help feeling jealous. Glorfindel was glad she had not met Erestor; who would no doubt like Minnow very much.
But it was when she had brought up bonding that had alarmed him the most. It was the crux of the matter: there was a part of him that longed to bond with her. He had never been drawn to anyone like this; he hadn't thought it was possible. When others spoke of falling in love, it hadn't moved him. He couldn't really imagine what it would feel like, and hadn't wanted it for himself. And then, suddenly, it had happened. He couldn't fix upon the hour or the or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. He was in the middle before he knew that he had begun.
And now she was questioning him with an amused glint in her eye about whether elves took human lovers. He didn't like being teased about this, it made him nervous. But then, the idea of her teasing anyone else made his heart jolt.
He was seriously impressed with her work in the forge city. He couldn't bear it in the mine, but couldn't abandon her. He watched her work tirelessly to help the dwarves, her mind spinning over possibilities. He reminded her so much of a young Elrond: there was a wild audacity in how her mind worked.
When they were back above ground, she had looked at him so intently that he didn't even realise he had reached forward and tugged gently on his favourite curl. As it bounced, she leaned forward and kissed him.
It felt like waves of emotion had over him. He realised he was trembling, but she was too. Her hands were on his chest, and then in his hair, and so he touched her jaw and her cheek, and then finally, her hair.
Her hair, Valar above, her hair. Not even the Teleri had hair as curly as hers. It was all he could do to stop himself burying his face in her hair and breathing in.
After their long talk on their journey, there was an inevitability to the two of them now. When she had kissed his ear, he had felt it. They would be together.
But he needed help from his friends. It had only been a few weeks since he saw her last, and he knew she was in Minas Tirith with that puppy safe for the moment, but he thought of her often. The next time he saw her, he was going to kiss her ear. But what happened next, he wasn't exactly sure of.
A few hundred years ago, he had overheard two middle-aged women joking about their poor 'performances' of their husbands. They hadn't realised how sharp his hearing was and had talked rather explicitly at how lacking their men were in the bedroom. They had spoken of pain (he had been alarmed to learn that sex could hurt - surely among Elves it couldn't? But he had always thought of bonding as a more spiritual experience than physical) and also their great disappointment that it hadn't been enjoyable for them.
With another Elf, he was sure that the bonding would take over, but with a human… he felt blind. He had no idea how to proceed, and he knew she looked to him to set the pace. When she had licked his ear, he had to push every part of his instinct to tear off her clothes then and there. But he didn't trust such violent emotions.
"The healer… Minnow. I want to please her," he said gruffly to his three friends who were waiting out the rain with him in a cave. "But I don't know how."
"Write a sonnet," said Erestor, who looked like he was only half-listening.
"For the love of all that is holy, 'Stor. I need proper advice!" he snapped.
His friends all turned to him. Glorfindel rarely asked for advice. Gil-galad stopped cleaning his sword.
"I want to… I want to…" He tried to collect his thoughts. "She kissed my ear."
He had meant what he had written to her. He was in agony without her.
Erestor gave him a serious look. "I'm sure a lot of women would kiss your ear given half the chance."
"I want to bed her," Glorfindel said, annoyed. Elrond smirked. It was painfully obvious, he thought.
"A mortal? You? Valar above, you want to fuck a mortal? I thought it was immoral, and 'unworthy of our station in life' and-" cried Erestor. He had endured a lot of lectures from the older elf about his 'petticoat chasing' ways, which he had always shrugged off, so he was astonished to hear Glorfindel ask for advice on this subject.
"Enough, 'Stor," said Elrond. "You want practical advice on taking a mortal to bed?" he asked Glorfindel, who nodded. Elrond was always pragmatic and sensible, thought Erestor, ruefully. He wanted to tease Glorfindel more.
This was horribly awkward, thought Glorfindel. He didn't even know what he should be asking, and Elrond was trying to be helpful, he could see, but it was embarrassing. Erestor looked giddy. The noble, spiritual and rather prudish Glorfindel wanted to take a mortal healer to bed! Finally, he thought. He knew that Glorfindel had to have baser instincts in there somewhere. What sort of advice could he give him, he wondered.
Elrond talked at length about women's bodies and what happened the first time a woman has sex, and Glorfindel looked alarmed at the prospect of hurting her, and even blood. This was no fun, thought Erestor.
"You need to get her really aroused before you take her clothes off," he announced. "Really, really wet."
Glorfindel put his head between his hands. Never before had he been so out of his depth. He'd prefer to have another round with the Balrog, he thought.
"Honestly, why are you acting like you're being sent to your execution! You will enjoy sex. truly. Even you will like it," said Erestor, who noticed that Gil-galad was shaking silently with laughter.
"He is right, you will both enjoy it," said Elrond, with a tight smile.
"I don't know what to do," said Glorfindel, plaintively.
"Tell her she's pretty," continued Erestor. "Beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, etc."
"Minnow knows what she looks like," said Glorfindel, grumpily. What kind of stupid advice was that, he thought. He needed practical advice.
Erestor made a disparaging noise. "She's not going to go to bed with you with that attitude!"
Glorfindel harrumphed. "Erestor, I want to know how to bed a woman-"
"Well, then you need to listen!" cried Erestor. "Have you even seen a naked woman before?" he asked.
Glorfindel thought. "No," he said, at last.
Erestor was horrified. Imagine never seeing a naked woman, he thought. It had been over a decade since he had taken a lover. Elrond hadn't even looked at another female since he had met Celebrian, although he had certainly not been chaste before that. And it was known that Gil-galad had taken lovers in the past, but Erestor had never known him to so perhaps he had been busy lately, and they were all men anyway. It was up to him to teach Glorfindel to please a woman, he thought, amused. He was in full teacher mode now. "You need to make her climax before you take your clothes off. A gentle-elf makes a lady orgasm first."
Glorfindel realised he was the only one in his circle of friends who had never shared his body with a mortal. He wondered if they didn't talk to him about their lovers because they knew he disapproved, and how he was now a hypocrite. He may not be able to bond with Minnow, but he wanted her more than he could ever express.
"And how do I do that?" he asked, tersely.
"You really are ignorant," mused Erestor.
"Your tongue," said Gil-galad.
"See! Even Gil-galad knows!" cried Erestor. He shared a look with the high-king, briefly wondering if Gil-galad still took lovers and this was yet another thing the three of them hid from him. He supposed that Gil-galad was exceptionally good-looking, and could not be short of offers... but strange that no ellon had tempted him yet...
Now it was Elrond's turn to pretend not to be laughing. Glorfindel did look completely lost, so Erestor pulled out a scrap of parchment and from a saddle bag and started sketching.
"I know what breasts are!" snapped Glorfindel. Erestor was enjoying being patronising.
Lindir popped into their cave and was about to open his mouth to ask something but backed out when he saw Gil-galad frantically shaking his head. He scurried away, wondering what the other three elves were looking at on the parchment; orc movements, he guessed.
He would have been shocked to realise that Erestor had drawn a naked woman and was pointing to various parts with a sliver of graphite, saying where Glorfindel should touch.
"You'll enjoy it, it's certainly my favourite part of sex," said Erestor. "Valar, I miss it."
"You can use your fingers as well," said Elrond. "To penetrate her," he said, at Glorfindel's nonplussed look. "Slowly. It might be a good idea the first time you bed her… to prepare her for your…uh…"
"Yes, I understand," said Glorfindel quickly.
"You've got to really get in there," Erestor told him. "Tongue, fingers, everything. This is important. You don't want her to think you're a selfish lover."
Glorfindel wanted the earth to swallow him up.
"How will I know once she has… climaxed?" he asked.
"Oh, you'll know," said Erestor, smiling wickedly at him.
"Sometimes an enthusiastic partner is better than an experienced partner," said Gil-galad, who was beginning to pity Glorfindel. "Your desire to please her and care for her is all that she could want. Minnow will be thinking much the same thoughts as you, Glor."
"For your first time, I would say push into her slowly, and be gentle. You will find out what the both of you like. Listen to what sounds she makes. Lots of kissing. And hopefully you make her scream," said Erestor, pondering.
"Make her scream ? Her well-being is my main concern, I do not want to hurt her," said Glorfindel, alarmed.
"I think Erestor means scream with pleasure," said Gil-galad, amused.
"It may be uncomfortable the first time for her, but Minnow is a midwife and knows such things," said Elrond.
"Am I the only one who hasn't met her?" said Erestor, annoyed. What was a midwife doing in a warzone? He knew he was much younger than the three of them, and their history was entwined, but sometimes he did feel left out. He knew they kept things from him, and he supposed they had all known each other much longer. "What is she like?" he asked, wondering what sort of a person could inspire lust in someone as unromantic and grim as the Balrog Slayer.
"She is the wave, and I am the shore," said Glorfindel, seriously.
Erestor sighed. "That's the problem with you ancient Elves. You speak in fragmented poetry. No one understands you. And you can't understand basic instructions on how to do something basic, like go down on a woman."
Gil-galad turned away and hid his smile.
Elrond raised his eyebrow. "Sometimes, Erestor, I think if you were alive during the kin slaying, someone would definitely have murdered you," he admonished.
"Or at least pushed you into the sea," muttered Glorfindel.
"She is from Tolfalas," said Elrond, after a pause. "Her skin is darker than her fellow southerners, but not as dark as the Haradrim, and she is not tall like Numenoreans. She has almond shaped eyes, and a slightly crooked smile."
"She is bold, and not particularly impressed with Glorfindel, which he both likes and needs," said Gil-galad.
"She is curious, pragmatic, and kind. She is very clever. But impatient. Perhaps a little grumpy when she cannot be useful," said Elrond.
"A little grumpy and desperate to be useful? Who does that sounds like… hmmmm no, no one we all know," said Erestor, laconically. Had Glorfindel found a female version of himself? Valar above, thought Erestor, imagine wanting to fuck yourself. "You haven't not said anything about this Minnow, Glor. Is she very beautiful?"
"No," said Glorfindel. Erestor raised his eyebrows at him.
"She has freckles," conceded Glorfindel. "On her nose. And her cheeks. And on her left clavicle."
"She has… freckles," repeated Elrond, amused. Glorfindel wasn't one for passionate speeches, he supposed. Gil-galad smiled enigmatically.
"If I felt less, perhaps I could talk about it more," muttered Glorfindel. How was he supposed to explain what he felt when he saw her? It wasn't that she was beautiful, it was that she was so alive ?
"This isn't just sex, is it?" asked Erestor, alarmed. "You're in love with her," he accused. He was astonished. Later, he would speak to Elrond at length, terrified that Glorfindel would fade after this Tolfalas healer died (during this war or of old age). Elrond didn't think Glorfindel would fade - it was unlikely he could, he was the closest thing to a Maia on Middle Earth. But Erestor was scared and humbled nonetheless.
"Sometimes who we fall in love with is… surprising, to more than just ourselves," said Elrond thinking of Celebrian.
Gil-galad was not surprised when he had met Erestor and had instantly wanted the half-Elf to see him as more than just a remote, distant king - as an Elf who deserved to be loved. He needed someone more extroverted to bring him out of his shell, he thought, but could never quite manage to talk to Erestor as plainly as he wanted to. Gil-galad hadn't been particularly surprised when the slightly insecure Elrond had laid eyes on the beautiful and confident Celebrian and fallen instantly. And he had always thought that Glorfindel would fall in love with someone who would make him work for their affections.
I can't wait to meet this Minnow, thought Erestor.
Glorfindel in love was a strange but not unpleasant sight, thought Elrond, hoping that it would all work out in the end. Now all he had to do was get Erestor to notice the high-king…
Tell her she's beautiful, use my tongue, don't be afraid to ask her questions, take charge but be gentle, and use my fingers, Glorfindel repeated to himself. Oh Valar, thought Glorfindel. If anything, he was panicking more now, overwhelmed with information.
"You'll be fine!" said Erestor, whose easy confidence Glorfindel now envied. "I'm amazed Glorfindel has felt lust. I didn't think he was capable. From what El has said, he's messed it up quite a few times with this Minnow," he said to Gil-galad a few days later.
"Once our hearts are involved, sometimes it's difficult to express ourselves to our satisfaction," said Gil-galad, watching Erestor peel an apple with his dagger with interest.
"If I ever have feelings for someone, I'm going to tell them immediately," he vowed. Gil-galad's heart clenched. He hoped it would not be anytime soon, he didn't think he could cope with Erestor exuberantly telling the world he was in love. Later he would be glad of Erestor's forthright manners. Very, very glad.
We're all idiots in love, thought Elrond, who was eavesdropping on the two of them. The only sensible one was Minnow, he decided.
Hope you had a lovely festive break - here's a non-traumatic chapter to see in the New Year! Thank you for all your comments - and please let me know what you think. I am very needy.