Angry people are not always wise.
— Jane Austen, Pride & Prejudice
He is perfection, Minnow, and Astro is a doting father. I did not even know I wanted children until I saw Astro playing with his nieces and something hit me, deep in my gut. And it all happened so quickly and easily! I only wish you had been here, for I always feel safer when you are, but everything went smoothly. Astro thinks that I wanted a baby because of the two-week-long riots and the mess Minas Tirith is now in. Something good to concentrate on, he said. We have a curfew, did you know that? I wonder what news has reached you in Lindon, for it goes ill down south. They say Isildur is mad, but I know differently; he is bad to the bone. The people are planning something, but I don't know what, and all I can do is sing lullabies to my little Stellar and hope for better times…
Minnow, Annie says that men are not interested in talk of tiaras, or muslins, but that has never halted conversation with gentlemen in the past for me before. I think it is true that the men of the south, of Numenor, and the Elves are more gallant than theDúnedain. They are all grim, grey, and stoic - and they have no conversation - all they want to do is talk about orc sightings, or their swords! Lord Aradon is the grimmest of them all. He barely says anything to me when he comes to Arnor (for they live even further north) and he never looks pleased to see me, and once he even walked away from me, and I could hear him muttering that he had no time to pay court to frivolous ladies! I believe he is angry with Annie, but I am not entirely sure why, however I have heard his people are starving. Annie begins to shut me out of meetings, and he won't confide in me anymore and I am worried. I know I shouldn't say it, but I wish you were here. Your counsel is always true. I know you would steer Annie in the right direction, and you would know exactly how to appease Lord Aradon with your diplomacy and understanding. Frankly, we are struggling. It was very different when Father was alive, there was little responsibility, and I feel like everything has been thrown up in the air and landed in the wrong place. And I am not a frivolous lady - I am a woman of consequence! I have never been so slighted in my life; I am a princess of Gondor, I am the daughter of kings, sister to kings, and I will not be ignored by a man whose cloak is torn in three places, Minnow, three places, even if he does have the bluest eyes I've ever seen! It is nothing to me. He is nothing to me. I'm not surprised that he's unmarried at the age of thirty-seven even though he needs an heir desperately for their lands are beset with rogue orcs, for who would marry such a man. I am sick of Lord Aradon! I never think of him or ever speak upon the subject, as I told Annie the other day, for he is nothing to me…
Joy is chattering away, and is always asking for you! Do not worry, I won't let her forget you. I do like the court here far more than the cities in the South, although Minnow - I've never been so cold. We wear so much wool, which Joy hates because it is so scratchy. Elwen refuses to wear anything other than silk though, and says she doesn't feel the chill but I don't know about that. I've never seen anyone sulk as much. She has set her heart on a Dunadan (?) lord, a very kind one - he once sliced up an apple for Joy - but he's the grimmest man I've ever seen. I can't understand why she's chosen him; I haven't seen him smile once except at Joy. I don't like to laugh at her, she is a good mistress and awful sweet underneath all her bluster - but she misses you. That Lind is still here, trying to catch the king, but he's too busy to pay her much attention. I hope you can come visit us one day…
The riots were much as I thought they would be, and the city suffers more than ever, but that is not what concerns me. Your last few letters, Minnow… you sound subdued and not like your normal self. Piglet, I am worried about you…
Glorfindel and I had a new favourite position. He would sit on the edge of the bed, and I would straddle him. Slowly, my legs on his thighs, I would raise myself up and then down on his length enjoying the feeling. He would pull back my hair, and kiss and suck my neck, with one arm around me, holding me in place, and another cupping my breast, squeezing it and then flicking my nipple, teasing the orgasm out of me. I would clench around him until I came, and then he would flip me onto the bed, where he would hold me down. As waves of pleasure rolled over me, he would fuck me roughly and then rock me gently until he found his release.
As we lay on the bed afterwards, he held my hand as we waited for our breaths to slow. It was bliss.
It was how we ended most days. When he was in Lindon. Sometimes, routine was enjoyable. But routine was all I had.
After war has ended, it is easy to assume that everything goes back to normal; that there are no problems, that it's all sunlit uplands, but that was not my experience. It was sunny in Lindon, and only rained at night, and it was beautiful and felt peaceful. But not all was well. The orcs who had run away when Sauron had died were still roaming the land's around us, taking sheep and cows from farmers, and sometimes attacking women, as well as men. Their guerrilla warfare was keeping the soldiers busy; because there was no rhyme or reason to it, they struck randomly and hit hard. It was impossible for the Men and Elves to predict. They had not entered Lindon, but they were continually on the borders. Gil-galad looked uncharacteristically stressed and tired whenever he came to call, and discussed politics in Quenya long into the night with Glorfindel. While I was glad that he had someone to confide in about the problems in his court, I did wish for simpler times. Glorfindel became busier than ever, guarding Lindon from the north. I had never realised how safe we were on Tolfalas. How contained an island really was. Finda spent more and more time with her friends, who I never met, and Findis was much occupied in her garden and meditating. I loved them, and enjoyed all my time with them, but their lives felt settled in a way that mine was not. They had their routines, and were happy. Perhaps I felt that they were a little remote.
The strength with which I missed my friends shocked me; it was a longing that seemed to ebb and flow like a wave. I wanted to hear about Elwen's tiaras, and meet Lord Aradon who I wondered was as indifferent to her beauty as she thought he was. I wanted to scoop Joy into my arms, and tell Berendine everything. I wanted to meet Isobel's son! I wanted to cry on her shoulder - for she would understand. I wanted Varin to make me laugh. I wanted Thavron to make me feel safe, tell me off, and then tell me what to do.
I was a little lonely for human company. Indeed, the only humans I met were my patients. I felt further away from the women whose babies I welcomed into the world than ever - now I was not only nobility, but I lived in a house full of Elves. I had set myself apart, and was now dealing with the consequences. I had chosen this, I told myself, and it would get better. It had to.
So I made sure to enjoy all the time I could with women my own age when I met them as I rode about Lindon attending to their needs. If they asked me to take tea with them, I would, or to help them with a chore or two, or even just blether away for a few minutes. But I couldn't share much of myself; of the Elf I loved and shared a bed with, I couldn't talk to them about my time in the war, because it was so different to their lives and would set me apart again. But I could talk about Tolfalas.
None of them had seen the sea, so I spoke of the waves, of cliffs, of lobsters, of swimming in salty water. And they told me their woes and cares, and I gave them lotions for swollen feet, or advised on their diet. But I couldn't share my own worries.
I met most of the women alone (apart from Allen, who went with me everywhere), or with their sisters or mothers, their children all around us. The men were usually working. But there was one man who stuck to his much younger wife like glue, and who I had met several times, and still he insisted on leaving his work in the field to attend to her. It would have been sweet, but I did not like him much. His name was Romain, and I thought he was controlling. He talked for his wife, Dona, who was downbeat and so soft spoken I could barely hear her voice. She was one of the youngest mothers I had seen; she could not have been older than sixteen. She could not have been menstruating for very long, I thought, and she did not look very well. Her mousy brown hair was lank, and she had great shadows under her eyes. I was very worried about her, but luckily, her baby seemed to be in good health.
Elrond sighed when I told him over a pot of tea the next day. He was teaching me about fea, or Elvish souls, which was fascinating. "There are some things we cannot change. Alas."
"I'm not part of this community, not really," I said, trying to explain how I felt. "In Tolfalas, everyone knew me and I knew everyone. They'd seen me grow up with my grandmother. And it wasn't perfect, but we all looked after each other. There was so much trust. And with Thavron… I always had the chance to prove myself."
Elrond smiled, perhaps remembering my former mentor. Grumpy, but hyper competent - how many men had he saved in the war? We honour soldiers, I thought, but not the healers. Thavron's part in the war went mostly unnoticed; but Elendil had respected him.
"It is not just due to a newcomer. Lindon is too large and spread out, with no real focal point. It is different to anywhere you have been before in that respect. And yet, I understand. I wish for a closer-knit community. There is a valley I am fond of. I hope one day to settle there - and build a homely house," he said, his gaze dreamy.
"What would you call it?" I asked, smilingly.
"Imladris. Or Rivendell," he said with a smile. "I think I shall go there when I am no longer wanted here."
I bit my lip, confused. When would Elrond not be wanted in Lindon? He was Gil-galad's successor - although I could not imagine a scenario where he would succeed him unless our high-king went to Valinor. Was this about Celebrian? I wondered if Elrond felt he didn't fit in as I did.
Romain and Dona continued to haunt my thoughts when I wasn't visiting them to monitor the baby's progress. I asked around about him, trying to be discreet. He had been married before, a few years ago, but his wife had died in childbirth. Perhaps that was why he wouldn't let Dona leave his sight, I thought. It would be understandable. But I wasn't convinced.
Once again, my Elvish lover was not at home. I knew that he preferred being at home with me (and his star charts) but I also knew the dedication with which he pursued rogue orcs. He would never rest until they were all gone, and that it was such a slow pursuit was frustrating. He was increasingly restless. This time, Glorfindel was away with his group of soldiers somewhere up north and had been for a few weeks. I missed him, but tried to keep myself busy. The evenings were the worst, and I went for long walks around the lake, or tried to read by candlelight.
"You weren't at the ball last week," said Celebrian when I met her on the archery course. She was in a shimmering pink dress with tight sleeves. A man was openly gawking at her, but she gracefully ignored him, and Haldir, her trusty shadow, swatted him away.
I made a noise and let my arrow loose.
"We wondered if you had died," she continued. I rolled my eyes, grimly.
"Still alive, thank you," I said, blithely, nocking my arrow in the bow. She made another comment about how I was merely passable at archery. It was true, I had hit my peak - and it was not a high one - and it did not seem I was going to get much better. But I loved it; pulling back the string, angling the arrow - and the swooshing sound in the air and when it hit the target. It was all very satisfying.
"We will look after him when you die," said Haldir. I flinched. I had thought it was taboo to mention my inevitable death? But perhaps I had underestimated Haldir's dislike of me.
"Thank you," I said, at length.
I had finally run out of backchat, but I did have some restraint left. I was tempted to throw my bow at him. Do not let them get to you, I told myself. Really, I thought, it is pitiable, to have lived for hundreds - even thousands of years - and act so immature and cruel. I am the grown-up here, I realised.
I listened as Celebrian spoke (at length) about the ball, the dresses, the harps and the music, and who had danced with who… my only consolation was that Glorfindel hadn't been at the dance either. That he would never go to a ball without me. And so, she had been deprived of seeing him in a silk shirt.
"If only you had sprained your ankle in the first dance," I said, listlessly, as we retrieved our arrows.
"Silly mortal," she said, in what I hoped was an affectionate way, and carried on telling me how well she had danced, and about how Elvish dances were much superior to mortal ones. I told her about dancing with the dwarves in the war, smiling at the thought of those days.
She crinkled her nose at me. "Dwarves! What strange company you keep."
I wanted Glorfindel badly. To crawl into his arms, and feel that everything was right in the world. I did not resent him his duty, but I wished I had more than an empty house to bounce around. Findis was praying in her garden again. I threw up a wish to the Valar that everything would turn out well, and for the best.
"Please," I said, looking up at the sky.
But I was not completely without friends or company. Erestor visited often, when he could. He had given me a book of Sindarin tree poetry to keep me occupied. Sometimes he was such an Elf, I thought, flicking through the dull book.
Another pang.
I lit a few candles and decided to catch up upon my correspondence. Elwen had demanded to know what the balls in Lindon were like, so I wrote down all that Celebrian had told me about the ball she had been to. I may have embellished a few things for my own amusement. I found it harder to write to my other friends, who were more perceptive. I didn't want them to worry; this was only a blip, I told myself. Happily ever after isn't always sheer joy. Sometimes one has to be content with what one has.
"What about embroidery?" asked Erestor one morning. He had popped over unexpectedly with pastries just as I was brewing some tea. My studies had slowed down as Elrond became busier with the soldiers, and self-study was now my focus.
"Meh," I said. I thought of Lind, who had loved it. Perhaps I should not have mocked her about what she enjoyed. But then again, I couldn't bear how self-absorbed she was, and how she hadn't lifted a finger to even help the orphaned children in Minas Tirith. I wondered if she or that awful princess would have any luck with Anarion. At least they had set their caps at him, I thought grimly, and not Isildur.
"I see my suggestion has not piqued your interest. Only practical hobbies for practical Minnow? How about making a dress?" asked Erestor. Immediately I felt ungrateful. He was a good friend and he was trying to cheer me up and keep me occupied.
"A dress?" I said, pensively. It might be useful to be able to make my own clothes, I thought.
"I'll help," he said. I smiled at him.
And so, we began a project together. Erestor's worries came out in dribs and drabs; while it all went swimmingly with the high king who was besotted with him, many of the mortal courtiers did not approve.
"No one has ever approved of me, so I am not put out, but it makes Gil-galad's position rather difficult. I do feel guilty about that," he said, cutting fabric. We were in my rooms, sitting at a table, with sewing patterns strewn around us. It was an enthralling task, that I was even worse at than I had realised.
Erestor was surprisingly good at sewing, but I tore the fabric often and became frustrated. He insisted that we practise stitching before we even looked at a pattern.
"I'm used to sewing flesh!" I said, indignantly when I saw his raised eyebrows.
"How morbid," he answered, drolly.
But over the next few weeks, Erestor showed up on mornings I had no duties, and companionably sewed with me, brought me patterns to look at, and patiently unpicked my stitches and told me to do them again. Eventually, I progressed to making a loose shift dress, which he donned and stood on a stool so that I could observe my hemming.
I kneeled in front of him and tried to figure out why the dress was bunching weirdly. What had I forgotten, I wondered, sitting back on my haunches.
"Have I not suffered enough?" asked a familiar voice. I turned and saw an amused soldier whose blond hair was messier than usual.
"Glorfindel!" I threw myself at him and he twirled me around, and kissed me deeply.
"I look well in this dress, do I not?" asked Erestor, swirling his skirt about.
We ignored him and continued kissing.
"Is there nothing that doesn't suit me?" he asked the room.
"You'll stay for lunch?" asked Glorfindel as we broke apart. Erestor jumped from the stool and took the dress off carefully. "Perhaps to explain your new look?"
"Oh, it was only a matter of time. You know Elrond detests leggings and is happiest in a robe, but he only wears them as a nod to decorum or some such. Insanity runs in our family. As for lunch… normally I enjoy being a third wheel, but you've been gone for six weeks, and I'm sure you're very hungry for lunch," he said, winking at me.
Glorfindel rolled his eyes as Erestor skipped out the room.
"Bye Erestor!" I called after him.
He was right. We didn't have lunch for several hours; Glorfindel and I made up for lost time. In some ways, I liked missing him because when he returned, he was almost feral towards me. He picked me up, threw me on the bed and ripped off his own clothes. Kissing and sucking on my neck, he held my arms above my head, and muttered in Quenya.
I forgot to think after that, and after the waves of pleasures rippled through me, I fell into a deep slumber. I dreamt of the sea, of a man made of water, and he was telling me something important, something about myself. He was familiar, I thought dreamily. This was not my first dream about him, I realised, but I soon forgot it.
When I awoke, Glorfindel dragged me into a bath he had prepared with him, and we washed each other. Later, I braided his hair, and wondered how I could be anything other than blissfully happy in Lindon.
In the late evening, he told me about his travels, and how the orcs were scattering, heading west. They had not lost any Elves, but a few Men had died from their injuries which weighed heavily on his mind.
"They cover their blades in poison," he said, angrily. "Only athelas can stop the poison spreading, and we ran out quickly. A small nick on the skin can fell a large man in a matter of hours."
"Perhaps we can pre-make the Athelas into a paste, or perhaps we could compress it into a pill…" I said, sleepily. I fell asleep in his arms, feeling that all was (almost) well in the world.
Glorfindel and I spent the next couple of days with his family, eating our meals together, and going for walks together. He and his sister then disappeared to check on his star measurements and I left them to it. As much as I enjoyed their bickering, he deserved some time alone with his sibling.
And I finally had work to do that I was very grateful for. Allen and I had some visits to make. On our horse ride out to Dona and Romain's cottage, I chatted away happily about nothing. Allen never talked much, and I never wanted to pry into his life, but my happiness was bubbling over. As we trotted through the countryside, I thought that the grass seemed greener, the sun brighter, the smell of flowers more fragrant, and trees friendlier. Everyone we met on the road was a friend we had not met yet.
It was amazing how mind blowing sex could improve your mood, I thought wryly, thinking about how I had spent last night straddling Glorfindel.
But my musings had to come to an end. We were in front of the cottage, and I slid off my horse and tied her rein up, giving her a friendly pat. I knocked on the door, and when I heard a strangled moan, I pushed my way in, alarmed, with Allen hot on my heels. It was a small, dark cottage, made even darker still by the shutters on the windows that were still closed. I pulled one open so I could see.
"Dona?" I called. But then I saw her, she was lying on the dirty bed. She was whimpering, and I rushed over to her. She was in a state of undress, her clothes ripped and her dark hair dishevelled. I smoothed her hair from her face and let my eyes adjust to the sight.
Allen saw before me and swore.
"Valar help me," I whispered to myself. I had never seen anything like it; her belly was covered in bruises, dark and fresh. I put my hand on her belly; the baby was still moving, but it was impossible to know what kind of state it was in.
I stood up and shared a look with Allen, jumping when I realised Romain was behind us. Silent, and unnervingly still, he held a pail of water.
I asked how she got the bruises, and her husband smirked for a second. I held her wrist, listening to her pulse. It was so weak, I thought.
"She fell," he said, almost smugly. Oh Valar, I thought. Dona moaned, opening her mouth a little. I saw that her mouth was bloody, and she had lost a tooth. I grimaced. And what a fall it was; she was close to death.
"Run and get Elrond. Perhaps together we can still save them both," I told Allen.
"I'm not supposed to leave you," he said, uncertainly, looking between me and Romain.
I sighed. "I'm not sure that we have a choice." In an undertone, I told him I would be fine. I turned back to Dona.
"How long has she been bleeding for?" I asked, urgently, realising that Nova's underthings were covered in blood, some of it dried.
"Three days," he said, nonchalantly. I gave him a hard look.
"Why have you not sent for me?" I asked. He knew I was coming on this day for her check-up… he must have planned it this way. I gave Dona a sip of water, and then wiped her brow. She was cold, but sweaty. Although she was only seven months pregnant, we would have to deliver, I thought. She must be suffering a huge amount of internal bleeding.
He approached me, so I stood up straight, and looked him dead in the eye.
"Before you think about hurting me, know that I am under the protection of several prominent Elves, and I also have the ear of the king."
"That won't matter if they don't find you," he hissed.
"Don't you want to find out if you have a son or not?" I asked. He looked shifty, contemplating.
"I'm going to have to induce pregnancy," I told him. He nodded. I found with difficult fathers, talking to them as if I were asking permission, or they were somehow involved, made them less meddlesome. I talked to him and Dona, even though I didn't have any replies as I gave her a tonic, and helped her sit up. Touching her ribs softly, she murmured and I realised he had broken most of them.
I cut open her dress and looked at her body.
There was no likelihood that her ribs weren't broken, and that her left lung wasn't pierced. And if that had happened days ago…
It was the most gruesome delivery I had ever been part of. The smell of old blood was rancid; like tasting iron. And Dona, after gurgling down the tonic I gave her, fell limp and barely moved. My heart sank as I felt the baby inside her twinge. I could cut her open, I thought, and I would have, if I hadn't managed to coax the child out of her quickly enough.
"Well, is it a boy? I'd like a son," snapped Romain. If I was paying more attention to him, I would have despaired at his lack of empathy or interest in his wife.
Elrond burst through the door, glowing and fearsome. Allen was behind him, but it was too late.
The baby was dead. He had been for some time, many hours before I had arrived. The twinges I felt must have been from her, not him.
And his mother was inches from death.
Elrond put his hand on her forehead, and shook his head at me. I held her hand as the last breath of life left her.
My face was wet with tears, I realised.
"There was nothing you could do," Elrond said to me. "As for you, you have beaten your wife to death and caused the death of an infant. This is no small crime. You will answer for it."
At this, Romain sprang to life. He started shouting and gesticulating wildly at me.
"It's not my fault! This bitch of a midwife messed up! Too busy fucking all the Elves in Lindon - I know who you are, Mistress Healer," he snarled.
He pushed the body of his wife onto the floor, and she landed with an awful crunch on the floor. I cried out in horror, backing into Elrond and grabbing his shirt.
"You'll pay for this! I'll make sure of it!" he roared at me. Elrond stood tall, and Romain backed down. Even without a sword, or weapon of any kind, he was truly formidable. His face was grim and I almost shuddered to see it.
"I will inform the court of what has happened here and you have done," he told Romain. Turning to me and Allen, he said: "Let us leave." He put his arm around me and led me out the cottage into the bright sunlight. I was shaking.
I don't know how I climbed onto my horse. I was in a state of shock, replaying over what had happened in my mind.
Allen helped me down from my horse as soon as we arrived outside the house of healing, and led me into Elrond's study and made me a cup of tea.
"It's not your fault, Minnow," he said in his slow, calm voice. He awkwardly patted me on the shoulder and I nodded at him.
I waited, sipping my tea slowly, until Elrond swept into his study. He looked at me, sighed, and sat down next to me. He explained he had been to inform the authorities of how Dona died.
"I've never lost a baby before," I said, weakly. I felt dazed. "Lot's of men, soldiers, in the war, but never a baby."
"Minnow - if they had not died then, Dona and her baby would not have survived much longer. He was always going to kill them. It is the way of such men. And rest assured, he has done it before."
He had a wife before, I remembered, who died in childbirth. Perhaps this was history repeating itself. How awful, I thought, feeling miserable.
"How are we supposed to live in a world like this, where there is such pain?" I cried.
"By clinging on to those that we love all the harder," he said wearily. A single tear slid down his face, and landed with a plop on a scroll on his desk. He smiled sadly at me. "Darling Minnow. Sometimes you can do everything right, and still fail. It is the hardest lesson to learn."
Perhaps it was a lesson I still had to learn. He made me finish my tea and escorted me home, but the person I wished to see the most was not there. I sorely wished that Glorfindel was with me.
Elrond spoke quickly with Findis who had met us as we rode in. I sniffed and looked up at her. She looked at me kindly, and took me into the house as I waved goodbye to Elrond. I wanted more than anything for her to reach for me and pull me into a big embrace. If I couldn't be in Glorfindel's arms - where I felt the safest - then I wanted a mother.
"I will pray for Dona and her son," she told me softly. "Now you must sleep." She stroked my hair gently, then turned and I watched as she made her way to her prayer room.
I stood there, feeling utterly alone. I took a deep breath in and wearily climbed the stairs to Glorfindel's quarters. But once inside, I could not find rest. Sleep evaded me. And so I looked up athelas, and wrote down notes about making it into a paste that would not rot within days. And when I ran out of ideas on that front, I picked up some fabric and sewed without thinking.
Hours later, I found that I had rehemmed the shift dress I had been working on. The sun was dawning, and I was beyond tired. I climbed into bed and finally, sleep found me.
But I could not find rest. The next day, Elrond had left a note for me to stay home, and I ate my meals with Finda who was in a dreamier mood than usual. She didn't ask me any questions about what had happened (if her mother had told her), and I didn't know how to unburden myself. But when I asked how she had spent the last day or so, she told me at length about a new sapling she and her friends had been singing to.
There really was no response to that.
I ended up praying with Findis. Apart from a general prayer to the Valar when things became hairy, I didn't think about the gods too much. I knew that some of them had walked on Middle Earth, and that Glorfindel had even met a couple - and was friends with one - but they seemed a little out of my scope. But it was pleasant to sit cross-legged in her prayer room, incense burning, chanting in Quenya with her. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to be Minnow anymore. It had become too hard, too much like an uphill slog where I could do nothing right; even my existence was wrong.
I ignored it all and pushed it down. I thought of my grandmother and her no nonsense style. She would tell me that even the best midwife (her, obviously) had not been able to save everyone she tended to. I wondered how she had felt when my mother had died. I was not the only person who had ever felt this level of guilt, wretchedness and inadequacy. I could not let it stop me.
Three days later, Glorfindel turned up. I started crying as soon as I saw him, and watched helplessly as he strode towards me and scooped me up.
"Dearest Minnow," he said. He stroked my hair, and we sat together on a sofa, looking out his glass window at the view of the lake. I sobbed into his shirt for the longest time as he whispered soothing words to me. And the knot inside me, which had tightened inside me so slowly over these long weeks, started to loosen. But it did not ease completely.
"I have to go tomorrow morning," he said, at length.
"I see."
"Elrond sent word about what had happened."
"Thank you for coming."
"Minnow," he said, almost pleadingly.
"I feel neglected," I said, stiltedly. It cost me my pride to say so, but it was true.
"I do not neglect you when I am here, do I?" asked Glorfindel, softly. He shifted from where we were now lying on the bed, and took my hands in his. "But I cannot always be here,"
"I do not resent you your duty. But my life is becoming small," I said. It felt whiny even to my ears, but it had to be said.
"You have been used to more independence than most women are given," he said.
"Given," I repeated. He kissed me, and wearily, I fell asleep in his arms. When I awoke in the morning, he was gone.
I was alone again, I thought.
A few days later, I clambered onto my horse and trotted back to Elrond's healing halls. I felt anxious and nervous, but a calm fell over me as soon as I entered. It was familiar, and I belonged here.
But was I mistaken, or did Elrond's face fall slightly when he saw me? He swept over to me, and took me into his office.
"What is it?" I asked, worried. He held me loosely by the upper arms, but it was not as comforting as he most likely thought it was.
"Rosa has asked for Allen and Allen only," said Elrond. It took a moment to sink in.
"But…" I said, horrified. I thought we were friends, or at least friendly. We had shared cups of tea, and discussed baby names. And now she didn't trust me to deliver her baby because of Romain's lies.
"The truth will out, it always does," said Elrond, sympathetically.
"But men's lies are usually believed," I said, listlessly. "So… I will not continue my midwifery?"
"I think it's best if you return home for a few more days. And do not leave it. For any reason. I will accompany you myself," he said, and I realised how dangerous he thought my situation was. Shaking slightly, I got myself ready to leave.
"I do not mean to be unkind, Minnow," he said as we trotted home.
"You are never unkind."
"Sometimes I think you think too highly of me," he said, with a lopsided smile.
"Never," I replied, forcing myself to smile.
He continued talking, his low and even voice reassuring, but I wasn't listening. A panic was building up inside of me, and I did not know how to cool it this time. Glorfindel was gone.
No one came to visit me, and I tried to tell myself that it was because they were busy with their duties. But I began to think of myself as a toxic thing that no one could touch. I tried to write to Thavron, but I had to burn every letter I wrote. The way I sounded seemed desperate, depressed, and lonely, and I didn't want him to think badly of me. That I had failed. That Glorfindel wasn't good to me. Because he was… in so many ways.
But I had never been blind to his faults. He could be grumpy, and jealous, and he was not as open and understanding as I would like. Perhaps he was right, and I had been given too much independence - but had that not come side by side with responsibilities? Had I not proved myself time and time again? Would Glorfindel of Gondolin submit to this cage? I didn't think so.
For a few days, I rattled around the house, praying with Findis and I even climbed up Glorfindel's tower with Finda and cleaned all their instruments. It was dull but tiring work and therefore satisfying. I tried to read my books, but I couldn't concentrate.
I was surprised to hear from no one after two days, not even Elrond. I stopped going to meals, feeling listless and having lost my appetite. Mealtimes I shared with Glorfindel's mother and sister - and I knew I was starting to resent them.
One hot day, I swam into the middle of the lake completely naked and floated on my back, looking up at the sky. A large bird flew across the sky above me, and in the hazy heat, I closed my eyes and started to drift. The cool water felt delicious against my skin and I fell asleep.
"Greetings Minnow," said a deep voice. "I've been trying to reach you, but you keep forgetting me…"
I jolted awake in fright, lashing out at the water as if I had been in someone's grip and forgot to float. I gasped as I went under, breathing in water and my eyes opened. Panicking in the dark water, I thrashed about until I was no longer upside down and started swimming upwards.
Frightened, I raced towards the shore and my clothes. Shivering from fright more than cold, I dragged my clothes on and sat on the grass looking at the lake. What had just happened? Who was that speaking to me? How did they know my name?
It had been a male voice, I thought.
"But is there anything in the water?" I asked Findis. Her serene face looked down upon me with thoughtfulness. After thinking about it for several hours, I thought the best thing to do was to ask her. I had waited for several hours until she had finished her meditative prayers, but if I had thought I would get a straight answer, I was much mistaken.
"Water holds memories," she said, at last.
Was this Elvish magic? I thought, exasperated. How could water hold a memory?
"In what way?" I asked, confused. "A voice spoke to me while I was swimming in the lake."
She sat serenely at the table and poured a cup of tea from the teapot and passed it to me.
"Water may be a vessel."
"I don't understand," I said, sitting down with a thump. It was like trying to get water from a stone
"No, you do not. But you will." She smiled at me. This was clearly all I could expect to learn from her. I thanked her and drank my tea, biting my lip.
I stopped swimming in the lake after that, but I often patrolled it, staring into it intently. A few days later, I sought out Finda and asked her what was happening.
"It's been a week since Elrond told me to come here and stay here," I said. She smiled at me.
"You are correct."
Patience, Minnow, I told myself. "If you have not heard any news from Elrond himself, then I wonder if I could ask you to speak to him?"
She blinked at me. "Your soul is a restless one! Do you expect new instructions after only a week? It is true that mortals have no patience. If there is no news after a year, perhaps we should inquire."
A year? I baulked. She began to turn away and I panicked and changed tact.
"Something… or someone… spoke to me in the lake. Do you know what, or who, it is?" I asked.
"Why do you not ask it?" she said. "It probably knows who it is. It may be inclined to tell you."
She smiled at me and told me she was going to sing to the new sapling again. I watched as she saddled her horse and cantered away.
I started crying myself to sleep at night. In the morning, I would wake with new resolve. I collected and dried all the athelas I could find on Glorfindel's estate, and divided them into six sections. I adapted an old recipe I had found in Sindarin in one of Elrond's oldest books, and got to work, drying the herb (which took a week), and then adding in various oils to my samples. I choose different oils to bind the herb with. Then I put them in sealed glass jars.
I wrote up all my notes in Sindarin and Westron. Hopefully this experiment would yield good results, but whichever paste fared the best, I would try and improve on. After all, nothing was impossible I thought, as I labelled the jars.
I rode my horse around the lake, suddenly worrying that she wasn't getting enough exercise. I asked Finda to ride her sometimes outside the boundaries of the estate as well. I asked her to get Erestor to visit, but she told me he was on a mission. I was on the verge of asking Celebrian to visit me, when I remembered that Glorfindel had expressly asked Galadriel's daughter never visit his home.
I was desperate for company, but I thought no good could possibly come of her visiting Glorfindel's home.
At the end of the month, I had made the worst dress in Lindon and possibly Middle Earth (I had somehow sewn shut both sleeves) but I had two clear contenders for the Athelas paste. All I had to do was refine the recipe, I told myself. I rubbed each paste onto a few bruises I had on my shin. They both worked, as I found out the next day as I woke up bruise free. The problem was keeping the paste fresh and this depended on the oil.
I kept experimenting, and reading the books I had borrowed long ago from Elrond. But it was hard to concentrate on my project. One day, I looked up from my notes, and I realised that I had not spoken to anyone in three days.
I found Finda immediately, and disrupted her prayer time to ask her questions - about Gondolin, about Glorfindel's childhood, and being born in Valinor and what it was like. Her answers were poetic but often didn't make much sense to me. But that didn't stop me asking. I followed her to her vegetable garden, and asked her about how to grow carrots and potatoes at length. Eventually, I tired her out. But I had panicked, I had felt completely untethered in a way I had never been before.
"There is such urgency to your questions Minnow, but is it likely you will need to learn how to grow potatoes under such conditions?" Findis asked pointedly.
"Such information is always useful," I said, vaguely. But I could see I was trying her patience (the irony) and left her to her garden. She never wanted help, but would sometimes tolerate it. Agitated, I strode around the lake in the dying light, dragging my feet and feeling wretched.
It had now been almost a month since Elrond had sent me home for the second time. It was clear I was going stir crazy, and that no one was going to tell me what was happening outside the confines of my boundaries. Every time Finda came home from an excursion to see her sapling, I asked her for news, but the request seemed to confuse her.
"The sapling has produced a new leaf."
It took all the strength I had left to tell her I didn't care about her stupid tree.
She wouldn't tell me anything about what Erestor was doing, if Elrond had any message for me, or how things went in the court for Gil-galad. Her lack of urgency upset me. I was too proud to write Elrond a letter, or even a note, but I wondered how long my pride would last.
A few long weeks later, a noise like a swarm of bees woke me up. I sat up in the dead of night confused. There was very little noise on Glorfindel's estate during the day or night - sometimes an owl hooted or the wind rustled the leaves but it was very peaceful. I strode to the window and let my eyes adjust to the dark. But the lake looked still. I was still a little scared of it, and had not ventured in since the voice had spoken to me. But my ears told me that the noise, which was becoming louder, was from the other side of the building.
In the last few weeks, I had explored every room in the large house - no longer caring for Glorfindel's privacy. They were mostly empty, but I knew where to go to get to the other side of the house quickly. Perhaps it was a swarm of bees, I thought nonsensically. Or locusts, I thought with interest.
But as I drew closer to the other side of the house, I started to hear voices in the swarming sound. They were speaking Westron - but I couldn't quite catch what they were saying. It sounded like a whisper, until I reached closer and I realised they were chanting something. Tentatively, I approached the window in a disused sitting room. Peering around the side of the curtain, I finally saw the scene outside.
A hundred men - and some women - were in front of Glorfindel's house. And some of them carried torches. Now I realised that they were chanting - Elf fucker, over and over again.
I watched them from the corner of the window.
"Come away from the window, Minnow," said Finda, pulling me back.
"We're here for the Elf's bitch!" shouted someone. I didn't not recognise his voice, but I did hear hysterical anger in it.
She took me by the elbow and steered me back into Glorfindel's room, where Findis joined us with a lantern and closed the door. We sat around the work table that was covered with my notes on athelas. She placed a sword on the table, and I looked at it gleaming in the candlelight. I had never seen them in his rooms before and it felt strangely intimate.
"I am so sorry," I said, my voice wobbling. "I never thought…"
"You are not to blame for this, Minnow," said Findis, firmly. I looked up at her serene face in the candlelight, and nodded in reply. Finda took my hand and squeezed it, and a single tear fell down my face. I furiously swiped it away.
"Help will come," said Finda. I looked at her and asked if she had sent for help.
"They have entered our grounds, but they will not enter the house," said Findis. "Glorfindel is the general of the Elvish army, and there will be consequences if they do so. We must have faith."
That meant she had sent for help - but how could she, I thought? But someone must have seen this mob - with their torches - and will come to our aid, I hoped. But she had put a sword on the table. She had brought a sword. She did think there was some danger.
"I'm sorry to have brought an angry mob to your doorstep," I said, a lump in my throat.
"Ai, Minnow, you are the pebble dropped into the lake. Your ripples cause many changes," said Findis. "Let us pray."
We held hands and Findis led us through a meditation. But it was hard to concentrate on it. The chanting grew louder and soon we could hear the words clear - Elf fucker, sometimes they said Elf slut, and Give us the baby killer… shame and despair curdled the contents of my stomach. A desperate desire to run into the lake and throw myself at the mercy of the strange underwater voice shot through me. I closed my eyes and counted to a hundred. Then a thousand.
"They have surrounded the house now," said Finda, grimly, in Sindarin. They must have thought I was asleep.
"The morning light will curb their anger," said Findis. "And help will reach us soon."
"They may torch the house first," said Finda.
"Any attempt to kill an Elf and their lives will be forfeit. They know that. That is why they asked me to leave the house. How has Gil-galad allowed it to come to this?"
"This is Nerwen's doing. She cannot accept that my brother will never be her son-in-law. The half-Elf has told me what she has said in court - but it what she has said outside it that has done the most damage. Her whispers have flamed this from a spark to a wildfire."
"And her daughter?"
"I believe she grows uneasy with it. They practise archery together. They are almost friends. But it's not just Nerwen. The girl changes everything and everyone she touches. I met one of his daughters, many years ago, and she was a sweet girl, beautiful even, but inconsequential. She didn't have any such power. There is such fire in this one."
"He loves her."
"It would have been better if it was Elrond who had fallen in love with her. But I do not believe thatLaurefindelë would have fallen in love with anybody but her."
Through the chanting, I could hear shouts, and then a horse galloping. I jolted back into consciousness. I looked at Finda and Findis. They were smiling.
"Help has come," said Finda.
"Is it Glorfindel?" I asked. She nodded. But she restrained me when I tried to run back to the window. Instead, slowly we approached so no one down below could see us. I breathed in sharply when I saw Glorfindel on his white steed in front of the crowd. In the pale dawn light, they looked less scary, more bedraggled and tired, and unsure of themselves in the face of this ancient Elf lord.
In a voice I had never heard before, that sounded like thunder and danger, he commanded they leave. "BEGONE NOW! THINK AGAIN BEFORE YOU CARRY WEAPONS AND TORCHES IN FRONT OF AN ELF LORD'S HOUSE!"
"Look," whispered Finda, and pointed at the skyline, where more horses were galloping towards us. It was Glorfindel's battalion, I thought, triumphantly. They would escort the mob away.
Exhausted and relieved, my feet gave way and Finda caught me. Embarrassingly easily, she picked me up and carried me back to Glorfindel's room and made me drink some water, despite my weak protestations.
We listened as the mob dissipated and Glorfindel ran up the stairs, bursting in the room. He was in full armour, his eyes wild and his hair in his warrior braids. I'd never been so glad to see him. I burst into tears, and suddenly he was in front of me, pulling me gently towards him and rocking me. He kissed my hair, again and again and all the tension in me left.
"You came," I said, my eyes closed as I breathed him in.
"I'll always come," he replied. I fell asleep in his arms.
But when I woke, I was alone. I dressed, and found the three of them eating breakfast. I sat down with them.
"I'm not a child. I deserve to know what's going on," I said. They all shared looks and anger flared up inside me.
"There is no prison in Lindon. They will all be banished," said Glorfindel.
"I see."
"There is more. Galadriel has accused you of causing unrest among us, and asks for you to be banished in turn."
I blanched.
"Gil-galad will not banish you. But he has asked you to confine yourself to the house."
I stood up and wrapped my arms around myself, turning away from him. "Ai," I said, softly, too tired to cry.
"You will not be harmed if you do not venture outdoors," said Glorfindel. "I cannot stop them from entering my grounds, but they are not allowed by law to enter the house."
"For how long?" I asked, flatly.
"Gil-galad thinks five summers hence it will be forgotten," he said.
"You want me to stay inside for five years?" I asked, flabbergasted. "No, no, I cannot. Let me come with you when you leave! I'm an army healer at heart, I can come with you!"
Glorfindel stood up from the table too. "No. It is extremely dangerous."
"Dangerous?! Like a mob ready to kill me for sleeping with you?"
"Minnow-"
"I cannot stay here! Why will you not take me with you? You said that the men are dying of their wounds! I can help!"
"We attack orcs, Minnow - I am not going to take you on a raid where you could not possibly keep up because you find staying put boring," he snapped.
"Boring?!" I spluttered.
"I hear you are restless," he said.
"If you won't take me with you, let's go somewhere else. Let's leave!" I demanded. "Let us go somewhere else. Please! Anywhere else."
Glorfindel put his arms on the table and leaned forward and I realised that Finda and FIndis had left sometime before.
"I cannot leave, Minnow, my duties are here. I must serve my king," he said, almost bewildered. "It will not take long for this to settle down."
"And you will not leave Lindon? For me? "
"Where would we go? There is nowhere to go," he said, looking at me. "It will pass quickly enough. We have each other. I must go," he said, kissing my forehead, and striding out of the room, no doubt to discuss business with someone other than me.
"But that is not enough for me," I said, flatly, to an empty room.
He came back at night, told me that he would stay for a couple more days to make sure things settled down, and then he would have to leave again.
"I want to come with you," I said, angrily. He turned around, furious.
Glorfindel and I had argued before, even fought. But not like this. Before it was that we didn't know how to talk to each other properly. Now, we disagreed on what to do.
I was already exhausted, but these fights, and screaming matches took the wind out of my sails like nothing else. We had come to an impasse and neither would bend. He wouldn't back down and let me go with his group of soldiers.
He said I was a poor horsewoman, that I didn't know how to defend myself at the best of times, and that he would be damned before he let a woman near the most desperate of orcs knowing what they were capable of. He said I had to learn how to compromise. That I couldn't change everything.
I said that I was always compromising and he was never compromising. That he should have made it clear to Galadriel and Celebrian years ago that he would never marry her. That I wasn't bored, I was trapped. That I was so lonely.
We each took what the other said badly.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE THEY CAME TO BURNING THIS HOUSE DOWN? I AM TERRIFIED OF YOU DYING!" he screamed.
"I AM SICK OF HEARING ABOUT MY DEATH! I AM NOT EVEN THIRTY!" I screamed back at him.
We both looked at each other, red in the face, upset, in tears.
"I think of nothing else," he said.
"Elrond has told me about fea. About fading," I said tremulously.
"I am not scared for myself. I will not fade. I cannot. I was sent back by the Valar themselves to keep Arda safe from the dark forces, and even now, orcs roam this land. Your death will break my heart, but I will remain," he said, holding the back of the chair and staring at the table.
"My death is far off," I said, miserably.
"Is it not enough to be with me - here in my house? Do you not love me?" he asked, tears streaming down his face. I flinched.
"PERHAPS I WANT MORE!" I shouted.
Glorfindel sat down as if deflated. "I have given you everything I have to give. I am sorry if it isn't enough."
I realised I was shaking. "You haven't given me the name of my father."
"I cannot tell you that."
"You draw a lot of boundaries, Glorfindel," I said, wearily. "And I try to honour them all, but I do not think I can anymore."
"Sometimes I wish I had never met you," he said, and swept out the room.
I lay my head down on the table and closed my eyes. My eyes stung, and I felt nauseous, but I had not eaten for a long time, and I was too dehydrated to cry. I pushed myself up and dragged myself back to bed. But he was not in his rooms.
Later, I awoke, and found some food, which I ate without tasting it. But I found no one in the house. From the window, I saw Findis in her garden, and I saw Glorfindel by the lake talking to someone. It didn't look like Finda - I wondered if they would come to the house.
But no one came into the house. I waited for hours. I bathed. I tidied up my notes about athelas, and checked my experiments. It was without any joy or satisfaction that I realised I had figured out a recipe that worked. I copied it down again in Sindarin. I knew I should be pleased with myself, but I felt nothing.
Once again, I rattled around the house, angry with myself for wanting - needing more than this, for not doing more to stop Romain, for not realising sooner he would beat his wife to death. And with Galadriel, that selfish, vile bitch, I couldn't believe I had ever felt pity for her when she had roused a fucking mob to kill me! And Celebrian for being weak, and Haldir for being vindictive. Furious with Celeborn for laughing at his daughter's entitled attitude! And with Elrond for loving someone who did not deserve it! And Gil-galad for his political machinations. And with Isildur, just because I hated his violent abusive ways and Annie for not doing the right thing. And Finda and Findis for keeping things from me. And with Glorfindel for saying he wished he hadn't met me. For how my inevitable death seemed to be destroying him from the inside out. For not taking me far away from here where we could be ourselves and be together.
But most of all, with myself, for ever thinking that a stupid little midwife with no parents from an island backwater could ever live with a powerful Elf lord without facing any consequences from society.
And yet I waited for him. I waited for three days. And he did not come. He said he would always come when I needed him and he didn't come. While I could see that Finda and Findis were about the grounds, I could never find them in the house.
I could not bear this any longer.
I had started to make a decision. I wanted to speak to Glorfindel, for him to change my mind, but it was fruitless, I told myself. He had been angry, but I was sure a big part of him did wish he had never met me. I did change things, I thought, and sometimes people didn't want change. But I couldn't help it, I didn't do it consciously.
I sat at the table for an hour, waiting for someone to come in and speak to me, but no one did. Playing with the two necklaces that hung round my neck, I thought I should give his back. But I didn't have the heart to.
This is how you break your own heart, I told myself, but I will remain.
Glorfindel,
It's not that I don't love you, for I do. You know that it has always been you. And it will always be you. But I cannot submit to smaller and smaller cages to be with you. Perhaps it was a dream. We knew this would end in my death, and I was beginning to feel like I was dying. I'm not sure love is enough; not for you and not for me. We both have our purposes in this life; yours is to protect people from the dark forces, and mine is to heal them. And I tried. I have tried so hard to fit into Elven society and still be myself, but it has not worked. And I am sorry for it, but I have to choose myself. And perhaps this is for the best, for you won't watch me grow old, and you won't see me die, and all your memories will be of us together and happy. And when you return to Valinor in a distant future, you can bring with you happy memories, and regale Elrond's children about a stubborn midwife from Tolfalas you once knew, thousands of years ago…
Always yours,
Minnow
PS I have created an Athelas paste. The recipe is upstairs.
I mounted my horse, and looked back at the house and then down at my map. I didn't know the way, and had never travelled by myself before. The road was lonely, but then so was I. I choose myself, I reminded myself, brushing away tears. I am breaking my own heart, I thought, but it is necessary. Would I ever see Glorfindel again?
Hello darlings, thank you for sticking with me. I'm finding it difficult to post to ff - please find me on the other site as laru - the fic is the same name. I may not be able to post in the future here. Anyway. Let me know what you think in the comments!