"Actually, Mrs. Drake," you say quickly.

"Call me Lucia, dear," she interrupts you. "Being called 'Mrs. Drake' makes me feel old."

"...okay?" You shake your head. "As I was saying, Ambrose seemed to prefer the option of not getting your family involved-"

There is a warm chuckle. "That's hardly a surprise. I'll get months of amusement out of needling him about this."

"-and I already have a plan for dealing with the situation anyway," you continue quickly. "One that doesn't involve dropping the pack of angry demons chasing Ambrose in somebody's home, or even near somebody's hometown."

There is a pause. "I see."

"Really, I just called because... well, a mysterious voice from nowhere said it needed my help. That's almost never a good sign. I just wanted to make sure it really was Ambrose, and that he wasn't just yanking my chain."

"Yes, he's certainly capable of that." Lucia sighs. "Mister Harris... actually, may I call you Alex? The other way is too impersonal."

"Sure?" you venture.

"Lovely. Alex, then - while I appreciate the thoughtfulness in trying to avoid putting my family and home in danger, it sounds just a bit like you're planning to run off and put yourself in harm's way. And though the artist in me wholeheartedly approves of your dedication and would never dream of interfering with your pursuit of your own mystical and martial arts, the mother who has a daughter your age feels... decidedly otherwise."

The warm cheer in Lucia's voice diminished steadily as she spoke, until it was replaced by a familiar tone of maternal doom at the end.

"Also," she adds, a touch more brightly, "all other concerns aside, it really would be best for everyone if Ambrose got pulled out of whichever Hell-dimension he's gotten himself stuck in as soon as possible - preferably before he manages to mortally offend its ruling lord, or worse, takes the place over. And it just so happens that I've been walking as we talked, and am standing outside Ambrose's workshop right now. So, I'm afraid that unless you can present a very compelling argument as to why I should allow an eight-year-old to risk his neck in one of Ambrose's mad little games, I'm going to have to cut this conversation short."

You search your mind for a good argument.

You wrack your brain for something that might convince a complete stranger who, from the sound of things, is parentally-disinclined to give you the time to follow through on your original plan.

"Would it help if I said I think Ambrose must have asked for my assistance for a reason - that I may have some particular skill or characteristics he thought would help resolve this?"

"Hmmm... not really, no."

"How about if I said I just want to be able to always remind Ambrose that he got his bacon hauled out of the fire by an eight-year-old?"

Lucia laughs at that one. "It's a delightful prospect, I agree, but it's also not equal to the dangers in this situation."

You consider asking if she'll wait a few minutes to let you teleport to the Drake residence, so that you can be on hand - if safely to one side - when everything goes down. Then you remember that you can't teleport somewhere you've never been and don't even have a reasonable description of. Scrying wouldn't help you find the place in time, and you kind of doubt that Lucia is going to take the time to give you enough details to make the attempt.

Defeated, you sigh and admit, "Then I've got nothing."

Gained Nayru's Favor E++

"Ah. Well, then, I'll- eh? Altria? What are you-"

There is a pause while the sound on the other end of the line is muffled.

"Alex?" Altria's sleepy-sounding voice says a minute later. "Are you still there?"

"Yeah, uh, hi, Altria. Sorry to call so late, but-"

"Mother has filled me in, and it's fine. This isn't the first time Ambrose has done something that woke up the house in the middle of the night." She yawns, adding, "Won't be the last, either."

"Stand clear, dear!" you hear Lucia say then. It's followed by a sharp buzzing sound.

"What was that?"

"Oh, Mother's just activated the wards on Ambrose's workshop. Everything in here has its own personal force-field now, the walls, floor, and ceiling have all been reinforced six or seven different ways on both sides as well as internally, and the doors and windows have all been sealed much the same way."

"...I see." That sounds like a hellishly complex magical security system. You can't help but compare it to the ward you've got on your own room and feel a little... embarrassed.

Something goes clunk and whir, and then begins to produce a rather ominous hum.

"Um, Altria?"

"Mother just turned on the beacon in the summoning chamber," Altria reports. "I'm not entirely certain, but I seem to recall Ambrose saying it's basically the part of a standard summoning spell that lets you locate a specific entity, only automated?"

"That sounds about right," you agree. It's what you were planning to do to create the beacon, only without the 'automation' part. You wonder what the beacon looks like, because it sounds like it's rather large, probably as big or bigger than an adult. Why would Ambrose decide to build a device with that particular function on that scale? Or does it have other uses?

There is a burning, electrical, ripping sort of noise, followed by terrible and familiar monstrous bellows. At a guess, a portal just opened.

"And there's Ambrose," Altria says, "with... three, four - make that five rather angry-looking demons chasing him."

You hear a woman shout a wordless battle-cry, followed by a rather gruesome mix of tearing, splashing, gurgling, and a dull thump.

"Make that four, now," your British acquaintance notes.

Ambrose barks Latin-sounding words, and there is another explosion, though this time there's no noticeable static.

"Two le- no, wait, the third one's still moving."

A pained-sounding roar cuts out abruptly.

"And now it's not."

"Kill-stealer!" you hear Ambrose protest.

"Too slow, wizard!" Lucia calls back tauntingly.

"One left," Altria notes, as you consider the evidence that her mother is also a badass. As an aside, you also ponder the question of how much trouble you might or might not have been in if it was just you and Ambrose dealing with these dimensional interlopers. The rate they're dropping doesn't make it sound like they're terribly dangerous, but then again, you don't know exactly what's being thrown at them, beyond "magic."

"And the last one just dove back through the portal," Altria concludes. A moment later, that burning, electrical, ripping sort of noise occurs in reverse.

"Why did you let it go?" Lucia asks.

"So I can track it back to its lair and see who or what it reports to, if anything," Ambrose answers, voice Doppler shifting as he comes towards the phone. "Now then- oh, Altria. Is that young Alexander on the line?"

"Yes, it is."

"May I- thank you, my dear. Alex?" The old man's voice is clearer now.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to be a bit tied up making sure we're not about to be invaded, and between that and my regular obligations around here, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to get back to you for the foreseeable future."

Somehow, you fail to be shocked by this.

"On the other hand," he continues, "it would behoove me to show a certain amount of gratitude for your assistance in getting me out of Hell promptly - even if you did let Lucia know about it - and also to do something to encourage your lamentably good judgement. I don't have the time to get creative at the moment, so let's just say I'll owe you a favor. A small one."

Huh.

"Right, back to Altria. Catch!"

"Ambrose!" Altria shouts, before evidently doing precisely that.

"Now, both of you, out! I have demons to spy on and plot against, little girls need their rest, and not-so-little-girls apparently have other plans, if that nightgown is any indication. Shoo!"

There is the sound of hasty departure, a closing door, and then a brief conversation. It's muffled, and you're considering hanging up when you hear Altria's voice again.

"Alex?"

"Still here," you answer.

"Mother said to pass on her thanks. She also said that we can talk for a while, if you'd like."

You consider that. Is there anything you particularly want to talk with Altria about?

"If it's okay with you," you begin cautiously.

"It's fine."

"Well, then... what have you been up to since the tournament?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary," comes the reply. "Mainly school, training, lessons with Ambrose, visiting friends - oh, and I got your letter, of course."

"It wasn't too much?" you ask. "It's one of the first I've ever written, so I wasn't entirely sure if I was doing it right."

"It seemed fine to me," Altria replies. "Though I haven't had the opportunity to write a reply yet. My apologies."

"No, no, that's okay."

There is a brief pause. "What about yourself?" Altria asks then. "What have you been doing since leaving Japan that didn't make it into your letter?"

You consider that. "Well, I did mention meeting the mayor, right? Would you believe that he's a warlock?"

"...oh dear."

"Yeah, Ambrose left a list of names in and around California that I should know, people and organizations involved with the supernatural side of things, and Mayor Wilkins was on it. Kind of a shock, considering I was close enough to shake the guy's hand and didn't notice a thing off about him. Not in the magical sense, anyway."

You consider what else you could tell Altria. Asking whether or not she got an invitation from Kahlua sounds good, but also like something you should work up to carefully. And talking about your plans to visit England during the upcoming total eclipse of the sun definitely feels like something best-kept for the close of the conversation. That leaves you a few things, if you want to talk about them.

You spend the half-hour or so telling Altria about your encounter with Navi, starting with a brief recap of your quest to play interdimensional mailman and how it led to you meeting Mrs. Lawson and touching off a minor incident with the Winter Court. You don't name names or get too specific about the dangers involved in that particular series of events, treating it as a mere prelude to the main event of your unplanned, not entirely willing foray into Navi's otherworldly "dungeon." That part, you do go into some depth about, particularly how you acquired your very own magic sword.

"The hell you say!" Altria bursts out.

"Language!" you chide.

"My apologies," the blonde replies. You can almost hear the embarrassed flush. "It's just... I'm not even allowed to hold an ordinary blade without adult supervision, much less..." Altria pauses. "Alex, you... are being careful with this sword, right?"

"I've only summoned it once since leaving the Silent Realm," you assure her, "and that was to let Lu-sensei have a look at it. He's been giving me a bit more practice with training blades since then, just to help me get a feel for the basics."

Altria sighs, sounding relieved. "Good."

"If we can work out the details, though, I do want to spar with you at some point," you add.

"Likewise," she replies without a moment's hesitation.

After that you talk about dodging the Poes, outfighting a couple Guardians, and working your way around the various traps and Goddesses-damned puzzles. You leave out the specifics of the incident with your alter-egos, merely saying that it was like a funhouse mirror with attitude. You also don't mention messing yourself up trying to face down the Boar; it's kind of embarrassing, even if the damage is healing up nicely.

When you finish, Altria sighs. "That trumps anything I've done in the last few months," she admits with more than a little envy.

"It was pretty much the highlight of my time, too," you agree. "Though there have been a few other developments since."

"Such as?"

"Well, the biggest one is that I told my folks about the supernatural a couple weeks ago."

Altria makes a choking sound. "They didn't KNOW?!"

"They knew about vampires," you clarify. "Past experience. And apparently one of my mom's grandmothers had a really unusual dog. But I filled them in on... pretty much everything else. Lu-sensei helped, and Briar, as much as she could."

"How'd it go?" The blonde sounds morbidly curious. "I've never had cause to attempt or observe such a thing myself, but I've been told it can turn out rather disastrously."

"I'd say they're handling it pretty well. Mom was a little tweaked that I was using magic on my classmates and teachers so I could take my dog to school-"

"You were doing what?"

"-and Dad kind of had a moment when he saw that imp in the backyard, but otherwise they've been really cool about everything."

"'Imp?'" Altria echoes.

You proceed to inform her of the Night of the Messengers, and also about the ninja courier who showed up the next day. That segues into a brief discussion about how Evil Boss Ninja Raidou knows where you live and sent you politely-threatening fan mail. You assure Altria you're giving that situation all the attention it deserves - which isn't much, unless or until you cross paths with the renegade's mooks again.

Bringing up the messengers also leads naturally into talking about Kahlua and her birthday plans. As it turns out, Altria did, in fact, receive an invitation, though unlike yours, it was a formal and parentally-approved one. She has yet to decide whether or not she'll be attending, having certain... reservations... about visiting a house of vampires.

"Taking Ambrose as a chaperone would be a disaster," the blonde says bluntly. "The etiquette that would be expected of any adult attendee is the kind of thing he lives to mock at every opportunity. Taking my mother could be even worse. She doesn't care about other people's rules, she just does her own thing, never mind the consequences. And my father... gaah. He'd be the worst of the lot."

"How so?"

"He doesn't like vampires. Of any kind. At all." Altria sighs. "I'd expect him to show up in full armor, carrying the family sword, and leading enough soldiers to take over or level a small country."

You consider that. Yeah, it sounds like a recipe for a disaster, but on the other hand, given how fight-happy Kahlua and her sisters were, and depending on what the rest of their family's like and how the incident was handled, the Shuzens might actually find a private little war entertaining.

"Well, I'm personally inclined to go," you admit, "but I'm still waiting on receiving a formal invitation so Kahlua's folks won't get annoyed if and when I do show up - and then I need to get permission from my folks. Lu-sensei's... kind-of sort-of agreed to go at that point."

"Let me know how that turns out," Altria says glumly. "If you do end up getting permission to go, I might be able to use your presence and your teacher's to encourage... vaguely reasonable behavior out of whoever accompanies me."

"Will do. On an unrelated note," you add, lowering your voice and looking around quickly to make sure you aren't being eavesdropped on, "I also have tentative plans to visit the UK during the upcoming solar eclipse."

"Oh?" Altria inquires.

"I'm hoping to improve my partnership with Briar, make it all nice and formal. And since I'm going to be in your neighborhood, so to speak..."

"...there are plans for public viewing of the eclipse," Altria says thoughtfully. "I wasn't planning on attending any of them, but..."

"Something to sleep on, and look into in the morning?"

"I think so. Speaking of which, Alexander, I believe I should call it a night."

"I got it. Sorry if I was keeping you up."

"No, it's alright."

Pleasant good-byes ensue, and Altria finally hangs up, leaving you to do likewise on your end.

Two days later, as you're leaving the house for a morning run with Moblin, something in the bushes goes, "Psst."

Glancing cautiously over, you spot a familiar red-eyed shadow hiding amidst the admittedly-scraggly twigs and leaves. What can you say? None of your family is botanically-inclined.

"We need to talk, kid," Beryl's imp hisses at you in a carrying whisper. "Like, right the hell now."

"Can you move out from in there?" you inquire of the imp, as you step towards the bush she's hiding in. "I only ask because I'd like to avoid appearing like I'm talking to a plant."

"I can, but I'm not gonna. Sunlight and me don't get along - one of the drawbacks of being a creature of the night."

"Vampire turning to dust and ashes bad, banishment bad, or just nasty sunburn bad?" you query. You're close enough now to see that the imp is doing her "hide in shadow" trick, where she's just a pair of glowing eyes in the midst of a formless patch of darkness.

"The second, with a bit of the third for spice," she mutters.

You consider that. You do know a spell that would wreathe the imp in protective shadow and block the harmful effects of the sun's light, but it's a second-circle magic, meaning you wouldn't be able to hide your casting of it out here.

[x] Forget the magic, have a seat on the grass, and scratch Moblin behind the ear while you chat with Beryl's messenger.

After checking around to make sure nobody's looking, listening in, scrying, or otherwise observing - at least not as far as you can tell without going to active spellcasting or ki-use - you sit yourself down next to the bush and call Moblin over. He gives you a puzzled look, but trots over and claims the patch of lawn next to you. When you start scratching him behind the ear a moment later, Moblin's puzzlement is quickly replaced by a low, contented growl.

Gained King of Beasts E+++

"What's up?" you inquire of the imp.

"Got another message for you from Beryl," comes the answer.

"I take it she got my letter?"

"If that's what you sent that's got her worked up." You get the sense of a shrug from the discorporated imp's tone.

You wince. "She didn't take what I had to say well, huh?"

"Hey, I wasn't there when she got the letter, and we didn't exactly sit down and talk about it over coffee. All I know is, magic-girl's usually pretty cool and in control when she's giving me my marching orders. This time around? Nervous, and overcompensating for it by being a bitch." The imp pauses. "It'd actually be kind of funny, if I weren't on the receiving end."

You consider apologizing to the imp for your part in Beryl's... nerves.

"So what did she have to say to me?"

"The good news is, she appreciated being told that there was a wizard sniffing around asking questions, and being given some breathing room for deciding how she wants to deal with him. The bad news is, Red wasn't too thrilled to have you give her a two-week deadline on making that choice, minus however many days it took your letter to get to her. She would have liked it a lot better if you'd sent a messenger or just spelled her directly."

"Three points there," you interrupt. "One, I'm on a Hellmouth, and I need to keep a low profile to avoid attracting unwanted attention."

"Fair point," the imp admits.

"Two, and I just found this out myself, the town mayor is a warlock, and good enough at it that a wizard who usually hangs out in the United Kingdom knows of him."

"Brrr. Also a fair point."

"Not fond of warlocks either, huh?"

"Hell no. Creepy bastards, all of 'em."

"And three, I actually sent that letter to Beryl's drop-box by means of a summoned deliveryman I called up the day after Ambrose visited."

"And that's also a good- wait, Ambrose? A British wizard by the name of Ambrose? As in Merle Ambrose? THAT's the mage who wants to meet Beryl?"

Why are you not surprised that the imp knows of the old guy?

"Yeah, unless there's two of him."

You pause to shudder at that horrible thought.

From the rustle in the bushes, the imp may have had the same reaction.

"Well, damn," the imp says a moment later. "And here I thought the Dark Princess was just creeped out that some grotty old dude was perving on her. But if it's Ambrose... yeah, she's got cause to be nervous."

"You've met him?"

"Not personally, but the guy has a rep, y'know? World class pain-in-the-ass, incorrigible meddler, and easily one of the top five magical powerhouses in the world today."

"I can confirm the first two, at least," you note dryly. You can't say for certain where Ambrose ranks among all the magic-users of the world - you don't have nearly a big enough sample, and you suspect you haven't really seen the old man go all-out yet. But at the very least, he's the frontrunner for the title of the most powerful mage that you've ever met in person.

"Okay," the imp says after a moment. "Beryl'll probably be happier after I report back that you got in touch with her pronto, and I personally want to get the heck out of here before the sun gets any brighter, so - aside from being nervous about having the Sorcerer Supreme Sunnovabitch wanting to meet her, Beryl was curious about that list of names you said you got from him." The disembodied eyes look at you. "Don't suppose you have a copy you could give me to take back to her?"

"Not on me, no," you admit.

"I apologize for my involvement in Beryl's recent... um..."

"Mood swing?" the imp suggests.

"Yeah, that works. And for any difficulties it's caused you. That was never my intent."

"Ah, whatever. Not like you're forcing her get all snappy with people." The imp coughs. "And, uh, while we're talking - thanks for not telling Beryl that I got, um, 'creative' with her last message. The way she is now, I'd probably be in trouble."

You shrug. "I promised I wouldn't, so, I didn't."

"I guess you did at that."

Gained King of Monsters F+++

The imp nods. "Alright, I'll let her know to expect it. And with that said, I am gettin' outta here. Later, kid."

Her eyes fade into the shadows amidst the leaves and disappear, and a moment later, the patch of darkness itself grows lighter. You can see a couple of beams of sunlight threatening to break through now, where before everything in there was black, deep brown, and dark, dark green.

More time passes. You engage in more correspondence, first letting Ambrose know that Beryl got in touch with you but hadn't passed on any definite decisions about meeting him, and also sending off a copy of the Who's Who to Beryl.

Gained Literacy E+++

When the Postman arrives in response to your next summons, he also has a message for you: after due consideration and consultation with higher authority, the Church of Hyrule has agreed to your request, and will gladly provide you with copies of the holy books of the Goddesses. The only remaining obstacle is the matter of payment - the Church is willing to sell the books at cost, but like the Postman, they have definite preferences in the medium used to compensate their scribes and illuminators.

"'As you are, by the testimony of the Holy Messenger, a practicing sorcerer of some skill,'" Briar reads the Hylian characters aloud, as you hold up the missive for her, "'and moreover have shown prior willingness to barter or exchange services in good faith, we have provided a small list of possible trade goods for your consideration. Please send samples for the purpose of quality determination, so that we may accurately determine their trade value.'"

"What are they asking for?" you inquire.

"Let's see... fixed value in rupees, equivalent value in gold and other precious metals... so many head of cattle, or a certain amount of particular spices... short lists of reagents, spells, and magic items the Church would like to have... nothing too exotic."

"I do hope you aren't going to send them livestock," the Postman sighs. "Transporting animals is always a pain."

After discussing your options with Briar, Lu-sensei, your friends and classmates, and even the Postman, you've got a tentative plan for the goods that want to try bartering with the Church.

Spices are on their list of requested items, which means they're probably pretty valuable. You can easily get "sample" sized quantities of salt, pepper, and sugar from home, although the quality of such might be a concern. You don't know a huge amount about other spices used in cooking, but Briar, Lu-sensei, Amy, and even Cordelia offer suggestions, most of which you suspect you'd have to drop by the grocery store to acquire.

On a related tangent, you ask Briar if there are any fruits or nuts she's encountered on Earth that Hyrule doesn't have, which might grow there and sell well. You can recall rough equivalents to apples and berries from your dream-memories of Ganondorf's life, though not what they tasted like, but the only "nut" that comes to mind is the Deku variety. And nobody but Gorons ate those.

Briar admits that stuff like bananas, coconuts, and oranges would probably sell in Hyrule, but she doubts any of them would grow there. As far as nuts goes, she has no idea; she's small enough that even most ground nuts are too big and hard for her to even attempt to eat.

Aluminum isn't on the list, but you did some preparatory reading for this subject back when the Postman first agreed to take your request to the Hylians, and apparently the stuff was more valuable than gold on Earth until just over a century ago. You can acquire samples of the stuff fairly easily just by cleaning and reshaping a few cans: you drink pop; your Dad has the occasional beer; you're good there. Obtaining sufficient quantities of aluminum for actual trade could be an issue, unless you're willing to go on a quest for cans at the dump, but that's in the future.

You also give some thought to sending samples of different types of modern steel, possibly with instructions on how to produce it, assuming you can find those at the library. Such would probably be the most difficult and expensive to acquire of all the items you're thinking of trading with.

Of course, you don't have any of this stuff ON you, and you can't just whip it up from nothing. You'll have to put together the samples and call the Postman again to run it to Hyrule.

As noted, getting aluminum and the most basic spices is pretty easy, and won't even require you to spend additional time or money obtaining them. You could also nab a few pieces of fruit from around the house without issue, but more exotic spices and spring steel are going to be harder to acquire.

One of the good things about having friends is that when you run into a situation you know nothing about, you can ask them for help. And since nothing is pretty much all that you know about spices, you turn to Amy and Cordelia and ask them for help.

Amy looks like she's about to agree, but Cordelia cuts her off and drags her to one side of Lu-sensei's hall, where the two girls talk intently for a minute. At first it's just Cordy talking TO Amy, but before too long Miss Madison rallies and turns it into an actual conversation - one that involves a certain number of glances in your direction.

When they come back, Cordelia takes the lead. "Alright, Alex," she says. "We'll help you out. But." And she raises one finger for emphasis. "If it turns out that some or all of the spices you send to these people are worth something, you come to us for what you need. I can pay for spices in bulk, if I want to - the GOOD stuff, not what you'd find in a convenience store. And Amy knows the guys who run the local spice market personally, through her mother. She can get good deals."

You look at Amy. "Mom's a health nut," she reminds you. "When it comes to home cooking, it's all-natural or nothing."

"And what would I owe you for this help?" you inquire.

"A letter."

"...huh?"

"Send it with the first round of samples," Cordelia explains. "Ask the church-guys if they're interested in trading for spices regularly, or if they know of someone trustworthy who would be - if it turns out that they want the kind of spices we send them, anyway. From there... well, it depends on what they say. Alright?"