They say that the moment before death, your life flashes before your eyes.
Tamako has died plenty of times.
Whether it be by the hand of Rasa, the C-Rank mission gone wrong, Pein, Tobi, and even a group of Hunter-nin. Some deaths were instantaneous, others were drawn out, and many were miscalculations.
She prided herself in the fact that she didn't fear death, rather she feared failure. Failure meant her impact surmounted to nothing, failure met that her struggle was for naught. Failure meant her life had no meaning.
When she first came into this world, she dreamt of the cushy-life of a chunin paper-pusher. In another world, she may have become an Academy Instructor. It was the one thing in life that she knew she liked, in this world so strange, so dangerous and so very horrible.
The rare settlements outside of Sunagakure were often plagued with famine, drought and disease. She would never forget the sight of two children kneeling beside a decomposing body, their fingers kneading and tearing out the flesh into their mouths to drink the putrid brown blood.
She'd thrown up.
Kaito had laughed at the sight, scolding Tamako with the words, "How dare you waste the precious food you consumed, these kids have nothing yet you taunt them like this."
She'd never killed someone so fast.
That B-Ranked mission changed her life. Tamako knew that a chunin paper-pusher, far from the dangers of battles and death, would have surmount at the most, filing away papers, ignorant of the horrors outside of the safeties in the village.
So she trained for eighteen hours straight, not even blinking when Kaii asked her to stop. Her nights were plagued with the thoughts of how she could change this world, because Naruto wasn't old enough yet.
He was a child, mercilessly beaten and called a demon.
Why did no one help him? She didn't understand. He was the son of the Fourth Hokage, why was no one helping him?
Why was she relying on a child whom no one helped?
Why wasn't there any support system in this goddamn third world nation.
No one helped Kakashi in a way he needed. No one helped Itachi, in fact they ordered him to kill his entire clan, children and infants all the same. No one even thought to put Sasuke through therapy, helped him manage his thoughts in a healthy way. No one.
I have to.
She couldn't just a rely on a kid who didn't have anyone to rely on themselves. This was just sending a message that this world is about giving, giving and giving until you die.
So she reached a hand out to Temari, comforted her in a way that only a bright-eyed child could do. She offered companionship within Kankuro, whom people stayed away from because of his puppet hobbies. They all knew what happened with the last genius puppeteer.
She tried to talk to Gaara but it was already too late. He had scorned her, tried to crush her alive, shouted painful words "My father accepted you, the village accepted you and has given you all their love. We are different. I have no love."
It bit her at the bottom of her core, this feeling like she'd failed this eleven year old boy, already completing B-Rank missions by himself with gore and blood at his wake. She should've put a stop to this. She had eight years to help Gaara. Befriend him, shower him with love that all children should have.
Tamako bit her lip and turned her heel, promising this would be the last time she failed.
Her next opportunity was with Team 7.
That cluster-fuck of a team, no semblance of teamwork in their bones, always trying to one-up each other and leaving their other teammate in the dust. In her mind, she blamed Kakashi, but she blamed the adults that failed him too.
He who climbed to Jounin at age twelve, what did he know about teaching genin?
Sakura's pitiful attempts at defending her comatose teammates was even more heartbreaking. Why did the Academy graduate her with only three jutsus and barely solid taijutsu? If she was a genjutsu type, teach her fucking genjutsu.
So she watched the girl get beat-up, watched Team 10 run to defend her, watched Neji narrow his eyes with murder and watched Sasuke brutally torture Zaku with Sakura barely grasping Sasuke's last conscious.
It was then she began her machinations.
First was Sakura.
For all that it was worth, Sakura was supposed to be one of the main characters. Despite that grand title, she was also nothing. Tamako never really understood why Sakura was written in this way, only surmounting as an object of desire, an object to protect, an object to abuse then to love.
It wasn't right.
Sakura is human too, not just a well-placed character to use to grow other characters.
Tamako whispered in the girl's ear, and with one more little push, Team 7 was different.
The fight against Gaara was, then, the biggest thing she'd accomplished. There was no seething of power and murder, there was no blind jealousy. It was a collaborative effort that couldn't be accomplished without each member of Team 7.
She caught Sasuke's satisfied smile, Naruto's exuberant grin and Sakura cheering right beside them, not behind.
While in jail at the whim of Konoha after the failed invasion, she sat idly in prison, her only comfort was the occasional visit of a Yamanaka or, surprisingly, Team 7.
They worked hard to clear her name, these little twelve year old's that defended her so hard that it brought a smile to her face. Naruto visited her every day after lunch, smelling of tonkatsu and ramen, his lips greasy with an easy-going smile. Sakura stopped by every few days to chat, kunoichi to kunoichi. Sasuke dropped by only once a week, probably at the begrudging of his other two teammates.
Naruto always had a new story to tell her, his latest mission, or the horrible back-breaking efforts into clearing out the rubble. He was bright and shined like the sun that she couldn't help but enjoy his company in the dreary underground prison.
Sakura was far more a intellectual than she had first bargained for. Their topics ranged from the properties of her crystal, the calculations of the perfect chakra-to-suiton ratio, the best way to increase chakra reserves and of course, boys. Sakura was a young girl, it was only natural. Tamako could only remember her days gushing the same at her age, often targeting her affections to movie stars and artists.
Sasuke on the other hand, began visiting at the behest of his teammates. He began stopping by regularly to discuss training regiments, nature release, kekkei genkai and the world beyond Hi no Kuni. He always stayed the longest.
After her release, after cutting ties with Suna, she focused her attention on the Akatsuki and Sasuke's wellbeing. He was barely a teenager and already subjected himself to experimentations, harsh training methods with his dark thoughts to keep him company, manipulated by Orochimaru via Cursed Seal.
She hated Orochimaru too, but she couldn't help but ponder in what exactly created Orochimaru of today.
So she stopped by frequently, training Sasuke, talking, sharing, and became a close confidant of his. Karin was an added bonus, a sweet one. The girl was adorable with her short cropped red-hair and teary red-eyes, and hidden deep in her was a fiery attitude who wanted to give out love and receive love.
She won't fail her either.
Her journey of the Elemental Nations and beyond had only solidified her nindo, it was almost laughable in how easily children were murdered, tortured and manipulated. Splitting her time teaching as she went, scouring the lands for a capable medical-shinobi only to find a civilian scientist, it was well worth it.
On her return, she'd solidified her plan and began true action.
She'll die over and over, if it meant that she could save the people she'd grown to care for.
No matter how many it takes.
Author Note:
short recap! to the next arc we go...