CHAPTER NINE: WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE

"RANMA SAOTOME! I AM NOT A BITCH – BUT I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Nabiki reached out to slap him.

However, he intercepted her hand, showing off his usual speed and grace. Infuriating. As he did so, he brought the momentum of her fury and the entirety of her whole world along with it to a violent, screeching halt.

Nabiki had let other boys hold her hand before. Yet, as she felt Ranma's fingers fold around her own, she realised that she had never actually wanted anyone to do so before. Not until now.

She expected Ranma to be awkward. Either his male brashness would come through, or he would approach her with the shy timidity of PTSD from his previous faux pas with girls. However, she was wrong. He was neither.

His touch was eager but reverent, electric for sure, triggering a shot of euphoria that reverberated straight from her toes to her head, enveloping her body with deep and mysterious new yearnings. The stiff cotton fabric of her hospital gown suddenly felt unbearably hot and heavy. The gravitas of something profound between Fate and Destiny seemed to lurk in the darkness around them. Beating the shit out of him for the fool he had made out of her seemed like a triviality that could wait — at least for a little bit.

The memory of the first time she had really noticed the details of his hands — she had asked him to model them over her hand mirror — appeared before her mind's eye. Other far more ambitious and uninhibited recollections exploded in her brain after. The flawless, chiseled lines of living muscle and tendon in his bare hands, arms, shoulders, and torso from that day she watched him practice in the park. Her old, curious teenage fantasies about how it would feel to have him inside of her.

She could feel the hunger burning in his eyes too as he studied her in the darkness, mirroring the greedy look she imagined in her own eyes. The air had grown thick and charged with anticipation. Her heart was pounding thunderously in her chest. She was sure they were just seconds from taking leave of their senses entirely and devouring one another whole. She could barely tell the difference between up and down or left and right as her heart and mind became muddled with the torrential deluge of her feelings and questions.

If I could paint the sky, hang it out to dry, I would want it to look like this, as if it were some everlasting sign. If only —

Amidst the fresh, virgin thrill of this sublime ecstasy, a dark, serpentine thought suddenly wormed its way into her conscious mind. Even though the plan and the clarity of her original resolve had been shattered, she still could not forget why she had come here to Suginami in the first place.

What the fuck am I doing…?!

I don't let feelings cloud my judgment, and I don't have an anger management problem. Most of all, I don't leave decisions that should've been made yesterday sitting around for tomorrow….

The rehearsed lines rushed back up at her in her mind. Yes, she did not have the time for drama or emotional entanglements. Even if she did, there were far too many reasons why anything more than a casual friendship would be a very, very bad idea. He was still her sister's ex-fiance. If she was on the road to Hell, well, she would walk it alone, just like she always had. Life would go on.

Beyond all those good reasons, however, something else nagged at her now. Something she very much needed to understand. Either way, time was up. She had to act, no matter how angry Ranma might be with her. That kind of stuff had never stopped her from doing as she pleased anyway.

She quickly scanned the room for the nearest source of water she could get her hands on — the tumbler the nurse had set by the bed earlier — and dumped the contents over his head.

"Wha… whatcha do that for?!" Ranma-chan squawked, letting go of Nabiki's other hand and withdrawing as if touched by fire.

"It's not what you think," Nabiki replied. "The thing with the water just now has nothing to do with the Jusenkyo thing or what my feelings are. You already extorted a confession out of me under the influence of drugs."

"So what is it then?

"The drugs have worn off. We've got to talk. "

"Okay…."

"How long have you liked me too?"

"I… A while. I can't say for sure."

Maybe it started over fried chicken and beers. Maybe that day by the canal. Or maybe the first time she ever took his money, whatever that was for. Ranma could not remember, nor did he/she care.

"All I know is that whenever I think of ya or we talk and do things together, I'm happy. I ain't ever gotten to talk or do stuff like that with anyone before. Even when ya lash out, act sarcastic, or even try to beat the shit outta me like ya did just now, I'm happy. I… I ain't ever felt like that 'bout anyone before. I think it means that yer the first girl I've ever really liked. Maybe if only our old men had engaged ya and me in the beginning instead…."

Oh no…. Just no!

They could not go down this rabbit hole of hypotheticals. Not with Akane involved. Catfights, disagreements, far less than flattering name-calling far more times than even Nabiki with her photographic memory could count. For as long as Nabiki could remember, she and her sister had always fought. In many ways, the arranged engagement and Ranma's presence in their lives had made things worse, functioning as a prism that brought the differences in their views and values into even sharper relief. Yet, despite everything that had transpired between the sisters, the fact remained that Akane, along with Mom, really had always been the one Nabiki loved most. Akane was the only one who did not change when Nabiki lost her voice.

You do like him, right?

I do… more than I like myself…. Please check up on him from time to time….

Akane did not walk away from Ranma because she was over him, but precisely because she was not. If he were to ask for another chance with Akane even now, the choice her sister would make was all too obvious to Nabiki. With Mom gone, Akane was Nabiki's charge alone to protect. Whatever Nabiki thought and felt herself could not be allowed to matter. That was how things had always been and how they should remain.

Sometimes, the truest measure of devotion is the strength to turn away from the thing you want the most. Love isn't necessarily about whether or not you're with someone, but about being able to hold their interests alongside or even before your own….

"Am I… am I the reason…?"

"The reason?"

"The reason why you and Akane didn't work out? Because if I am — "

"You're worried that maybe Akane and I never had a chance 'coz ya were the one I always liked?"

I ain't got no clue if the way I feel is just 'coz she's the first girl I ever chose to hang out with like that or if it's really her.

"Yes."

"Nabiki, I — "

Again, Ranma had saved her yesterday, and again Nabiki was thankful. She could even concede that it felt nice to have someone care and worry about what she thought and felt for once. She was not used to that. Everything Ranma had done meant… meant a lot.

"Still, even if I admit that I like you, I honestly didn't come here to Suginami looking for a boyfriend. People say all kinds of shit about me, but one thing I have never been and will never be is a thief. You're my sister's ex-fiancé. I can't…. I can't be with you like this, Ranma. I can't do this to Akane. I — "

Before Nabiki could react, she found the boy-turned-girl's face up close against her own. The sweet scents of cedar, pine, and coffee filled the air once more.

Her vision filled with the firm, resolute lines of Ranma's features, her brilliant blue eyes radiating a fierce, hard edge. Nabiki had seen that same light in Ranma's eyes too many times before. The boy-turned-girl only ever looked at anyone like this right before a fight. However, this was the first time Nabiki had ever seen that look trained on her. It was unbearably heavy and transfixing, indescribably and mesmerizingly beautiful.

"Fine," Ranma said. "Give me your reasons. I'm sure you've got at least a dozen. I'm sure they're all good."

Coolly and methodically, one by one, Nabiki obliged Ranma with her bits and pieces of truth. As she spoke, the steady timbre and rhythm of her own voice soothed her nerves, reassuring her of the singular clarity of her just purpose. Yes, they were all very damned good reasons. Even Ranma seemed cowed by the weight of reality, tacitly conceding as she listened with the shift in her cooling eyes and body language. At least, that was Nabiki's impression. The boy-turned-girl's expression became unnaturally still and impassive, almost inhumanly so.

"Can I ask ya somethin'?" Ranma said after Nabiki rested her case.

"Sure."

"What happened to all that stuff ya said 'bout believin' Akane and I were doin' the right thing? Or that 'reasonable inference' of yours that I just don't like her that way. Was that all a lie?"

"That was before I thought you could even like me."

"Goddammit, Nabiki! Ya ain't listenin' to anything I've been sayin'! Ya ain't even listenin' to yourself no more! It ain't up to Akane or even you why she and I not only won't be — but can't be together. On my honor as the Saotome Heir, I swear to ya that ya ain't got nothin' with why Akane and I didn't work out."

"Your Honor?! What about me?! I'm Akane's sister!"

"I ain't askin' ya to do nothin' that'd impugn your Honor! I wouldn't ever do that. I wouldn't have any o' my own if I did, so put that aside for a sec."

"For fuck's sake, Ranma! I love Akane! How can you expect me to — ?!"

"Why is everyone in yer family so freakin' stubborn?!"

"Ranma — "

"Why're ya here, Nabiki? Why did ya really come to Suginami?"

"I told you. To tell you why we can't be anything more than friends."

"Uh-uh. I call bullshit. Ya woulda had to have known I like ya too for that to be true. Ya just admitted ya didn't. Try again. What do ya really want?"

No! God is dead and so too lies my corpse right beside His. If I am on the road to Hell, I will walk it alone, just like I always have.

"What I want doesn't matter."

"For God's fuckin' sake, Nabiki! You're worse than that Kandinsky painting you talk about that they had up in Chiyoda, warrin' with itself for meaning."

"Hey!"

"No, seriously, Nabiki! Ya talk like ya wanna be some heroic ronin and martyr yourself or somethin', but yer issue is ya ain't ready to die. The truth is ya came here to Suginami 'coz ya still aspire for some harmony and sense outta all that chaos and shit. Yer definitely entitled to that. Ya ain't done nothin' wrong by comin' here. Feelin' like we do 'bout each other ain't no crime either, so quit acting like it is!"

Nabiki could hardly believe here ears. She could not decide whether to laugh, cry, or hit Ranma. "That's… that's your way of asking me out…?"

"So ya admit ya want me to ask ya out."

"No. It's just that you're dissing on my Kandinsky and telling me I'm fucked up and suicidal — which I'm not!" No wonder Akane and all of those other girls always wanted to beat the shit out of him — or her — whatever!

"Hey! This ain't easy for me, 'kay? I ain't exactly had reason to be good at this kinda stuff 'til now. For once, can ya just look past my foot'n'mouth problem and listen to what I'm tryin' to say?!"

"Which is?"

"Take a chance and believe me. Wouldn't that be better than just givin' up and all three of us bein' alone and miserable by ourselves? Could ya really be okay with not givin' us a chance? Ya could barely even stand the thought of Miyuki comin' on to me earlier."

Suddenly, Nabiki could again see in her mind's eye the bimbo's strappy white stiletto heel propped on the footrest and the smooth, sun-kissed skin and toned muscles of her long thighs and shapely calves and those of every other damned, fucking girl who would one day come after Ranma. She could once more feel the fear as her throat closed up, hear Ranma shouting her name, realizing how she could no longer even make out his cedar and pine wood scent despite him being all around her. There was that strange thought again too that if Ranma's face were the last thing she ever saw and his hands holding hers were the last vestiges of human warmth she ever knew, she could somehow actually be at peace with that outcome. Her inability to understand the how or why – but then realizing no one gave a fuck — again dispelling the bullshit in her head and heart, reminding her with absolute, spellbinding clarity of her own want and need. Again, she pitied herself, remembering how it felt to think that she would never have the chance to tell Ranma.

Damn that leggy bimbo and her scented lighter fluid! He cannot end up with that girl! He cannot!

Something finally cracked within Nabiki's heart and mind, making her truly want to kill Ranma, slap the boy-turned-girl silly into a pulp and more. For more times than she would ever care to admit, Nabiki lamented the fact that their stupid fathers had ever engaged Ranma to Akane and why the fuck she had been stupid enough to go back home that first Christmas after she managed to finally escape to Todai. Stupid Ranma with all of those flawless, chiseled lines of living muscle and tendon in his bare hands, arms, shoulders, and torso and the old, curious teenage fantasies about how it would feel to have him inside of her. Ruining her life and her plans and annoying the fuck out of her more than anyone else in the world over and over again. Yet he had been the one to carry her broken body home from Setagaya and the Komei School that Christmas Eve, pulling her back from the brink of madness the day the engagement ended and she got herself ex-communicated from her father's home, saving her from dying from that bitch's perfume before ever achieving anything of consequence.

She could no longer deny her own yearning to be seen and cherished as much as any girl, hungering for a taste of something good and honest that she could call her very own. She just had not been able to believe until now that such things could happen to her. The possibility of happiness Ranma now offered. The chance to again be someone who truly mattered to another human being. Just like the way she once had to her Mom. The world really was one fucked up shit hole full of injustices and unfairness. She had to bite back the urge to scream.

How could the feelings and revelations that had drawn her here to Suginami, so beautifully raw and honest, be such a source of sin and moral torture?! All over again, Nabiki found herself blind-sided by the realization that Ranma really was far more intelligent than his/her behavior often reflected. All over again, the notion that Nabiki had once lived under the same roof as this complete stranger hiding in plain sight for years boggled her mind and wounded her pride. All over again, she could smell the scents of fried chicken and beer in the air around them.

Sors immanis et inanis….

"Yer doin' it again," Ranma said, cutting into her thoughts. "I see it in yer eyes."

"D-doing what?"

"Trippin' over yer own unconscious biases. Bein' far too cynical and rational. It's all slowly killin' ya. Yer head and yer heart ain't pointed in the same direction."

Mom…!

God is dead.

God remains dead, and we have killed him.

How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves?

That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives.

Who will wipe this blood off us?

Nabiki could not stand it anymore. The scar over her left breast was throbbing.

Damned God for being weak and stupid enough to die! There was no way she could turn her back on Ranma and all that he/she represented now. Had Nabiki actually been able to do so, she would be just another worthless, passive enabler of the sick injustices of this fucked up world with its have-alls and have-nots and all the unconscious biases that kept everyone in their separate lanes.

Sors immanis et inanis….

In weary resignation, she gave up and chose to finally allow herself to cry, huddling into the thick, stiff cotton of the hospital-issue blanket as she moved in close and placed her head on Ranma's small shoulder. She suddenly felt extremely tired, and her head was spinning. She would have to do her thinking later. If God was really dead, then she had time.

For now, she let the boy-turned-girl wrap an arm around her as she closed her eyes. She cried until she could no longer hear the sound of her own voice. Whatever would happen would just have to happen. She would have to figure out what it meant later. She just could not stand to be alone anymore.

She had only one thing to ask Ranma.

"Wuz dat?"

"Swear to me that you'll never again bring up that what-if about us having been engaged in the beginning. Just like when you promised never to tell me again that I'm 'nice.' Never again."

Sors immanis et inanis….

# # # # #