She could go anywhere huh?
Strauss stared blankly up at the large board of job applications. But there were just too many. And all for different reasons. A guard to escort a precious cargo. A permanent position as a lookout. A simple request for company.
Anywhere…
But where would she go?
Sanji and his crew had already made a splash in Alabasta, she'd seen the news about it in last week's paper. Well they didn't mention him by name, but the Straw Hat Pirates were enough to give her a hint. Trouble just seemed to flock to that crew...
They weren't in Alabasta anymore. It seemed like the Marines were already hot on their heels, or at least that's what the papers wanted her to think. Either way, it was useless to try and make her way back there.
And she had absolutely no idea where they were going next.
She had tried to look into it, investigate some of the potential routes through the Grand Line, but the Alabasta path was a tricksy one. Apparently the next island of Jaya had an abnormally weak magnetic field, which often lead to Log Poses pointing in completely random directions or to other islands entirely. At least, that's what the foremen at the docks were telling her. And they seemed like they were telling the truth
Now it wasn't that Strauss was worried or anything. Nah, she was pretty sure that kid captain (Luffy was it? It had been a while) would be able to take on whatever was coming up ahead. He'd absolutely decimated Don Krieg after all.
It was just it made planning her next move especially difficult. Especially when she'd been torn enough to begin with.
Maybe she should've left with Ace. Too late now.
Although… her eyes flicked across the board once more. The more jobs she looked at, the more of a pattern she could see emerging. A common thread, that almost half of the jobs up there mentioned at least in passing.
The Sabaody Archipelago.
The fact that even she had heard of that island before was enough to make the cogs in her head begin to whir. And it took even less digging to find out why. The final island in Paradise, this half of the Grand Line. Everyone passed through there. They had to.
Before she could hesitate for a moment longer, she snatched up one of the flyers pinned to the board. It had been one of the few she'd had her eye on anyways. A night guard for a cargo of aged rum. But, more importantly, headed on a one way trip to Sabaody.
She might as well. It wasn't like she would get anywhere while twiddling her thumbs. She'd gotten this far by going where the tides pulled her. No reason to stop that now.
She almost snorted at herself. Going where the tides pulled her? Quit the poetry! So much for her hard earned reputation as a stone cold realist. What would Sanji think if he saw her? She could just imagine the earful she'd receive, that's for sure. And it would be rightly deserved.
Stopping in her tracks, Strauss glanced up towards the magnificent water feature that made up the center of Water 7. Listening to the passers by, the groan of the dockyards, and the roar of flowing water.
What was she doing here? Really. After all this time she still couldn't figure out why. Why was she so focused on chasing a passing whim like this. It wasn't logical. Or wise. Or the least bit sensible. Her past self would be furious.
But she knew that she'd hate herself more if she gave up now. Not after going all this way. She wouldn't be able to face Zeff or the Baratie ever again. She had to at least try. Even if it did end up with failure in the end.
So she'd wait. She'd wait at Sabaody until the Straw Hats passed through. However long that took them. The one thing she knew well was patience after all. And then, once she finally saw him again, she'd figure things out from there.
Or… at least she hoped she would.
"It's been a year hasn't it?"
"Hm?" Sanji blinked to attention, having been completely dazed by washing plates for a solid hour. Why was this guy even there. Sanji could do this by himself, but for some reason Carne had absolutely insisted on helping him. He hadn't thought too much of it at the time… but now he couldn't help but feel wary. None of the other chefs were the first to talk to him. "A year of what," he prompted cautiously.
"Since Strauss joined." Carne hummed as he dutifully dried the next plate handed to him. "She got hired last summer didn't she? And it's gonna be June next week. So it'd be a year?"
He hadn't realised. Since yeah, now that he thought about it Strauss had only joined halfway through the summer rush the previous year hadn't she. It was why she'd been hired without much thought, they'd needed the man power. Huh. It was so strange to think about that Sanji had to properly stop what he was doing. It'd only been a year? For some reason it felt like longer.
Much, much longer.
This past year had been great. No, it had been better than great. He'd finally found someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. Someone who saw him for him, and not what he could be. The geezer was great and all… but he wasn't her. He wasn't the gorgeous, elegant, poised-
"...hey kid?"
Fuck! Sanji snapped back to consciousness. H-He hadn't been drooling again had he?! Or got a nosebleed again?! He hastily dabbed at his face, only to coat himself in a thin layer of soap suds. God he was out of it wasn't he…
Carne just looked at him calmly as he scrabbled for the nearest dishcloth to wipe himself down with. Calmly, but with a twinge of… regret? Was that what that was? Or… something worse.
He put down the cloth, despite still having slightly damp hair, "What is it?"
The older man gulped, adam's apple bobbing extremely, "Kid…"
Sanji's eyes narrowed into slits. "Tell me."
"I hope… I hope that you ain't getting too attached to her."
"What? His hand was around Carne's collar and hoisting him into the air before he knew it. "Too attached?! The hell're you getting at old man? You have no right to tell me how I feel about anyone, let alone Strauss. No right, you hear?!"
"Look, I didn't wanna say this either," he hissed back, face already starting to pale from lack of circulation, "But the rest of the boys thought it was something you needed to hear, and I just so happened to pull the short straw."
"Well then there you go." A flick of the wrist was all it took to send Carne sprawling on the floor. This wasn't worth his time. Quickly, before his temper got pushed further over the brink, Sanji began to march towards the door. "You've said your bit so piss off already."
Carne grimaced, readjusting his crooked glasses back onto his crooked nose, "Look, you can hate me all you want, but just think about it for a moment now would ya."
He didn't want to think about it thank you very much! Not being attached to Strauss? Ridiculous. They were friends. Best friends even. Of course there would be a connection between them. It was only natural.
"So you're gonna keep her here forever then?"
He froze, hand barely touching the door handle.
...what?
"She's too good for this place, Sanji." A pause. "It's different for us. We're chefs. All we hafta do is cook food and we wouldn't have it any other way. But that girl's got her whole life ahead of her. You seriously can't expect her to be waiting tables all her life can you? It ain't right."
No… no it wasn't right. He hadn't thought about it… like that. The geezer had said the same sort of thing to him time and time again, trying to get boot him out into the wilder world. But Carne was right. It was different for him. He couldn't leave with. He owed that geezer a debt greater than life itself and he would be damned if he couldn't repay it. But Strauss…?
She was just an employee. The only thing that motivated her to work was work itself. Working had been all she knew, so she just stuck with it. Hell, she had chosen to be a waitress at a self serving buffet rather than go and have fun. It was who she was. Sanji didn't even know if she enjoyed working for the Baratie or not. And even if she didn't, he knew she'd keep working anyways.
"I NEEDED THE CASH, OKAY?!"
His fists clenched.
She deserved better. So much better. And as he was now… he wasn't sure he could give that to her.
But he didn't want her to leave either.
He didn't go back to his room that night. How could he, when he'd have to be around her in such an enclosed space. Instead he went to the only other place he knew. Their rooftop. Their special spot.
The air was warm. Far warmer than it had been. There was no breeze to be found even in the middle of the seas. Just air. Warm, muggy air. A sign that summer was on its way. And all too soon.
Sanji lit another cigarette, the flickering light managing to pierce the twilight. A single light, in the middle of a vast, dark ocean. Alone, with only the stars for company. Leaning back, he puffed out a line of smoke. Please… numb his brain just this once? He didn't want to think too much. He hated this.
He hated his doubt.
As a gentleman he should always put a lady's desires before his own. Always. That was something the geezer had taught him, and something that had shaped his life for as long as he was willing to remember. And for the most part he agreed with that wholeheartedly. But this time he could help but feel that if that's what a gentleman was… he couldn't possibly be a gentleman.
Since fine! He'd admit it! He didn't want Strauss to pursue her dreams in the slightest! He didn't even want her to leave the Baratie. And he hated himself for that.
Gah he was such an asshole… he didn't deserve to be her friend, did he?
A light sneeze next to him jolted Sanji to his senses. And boy did he jolt, "S-s… STRAUSS-SAN?!"
"Oops." She grimaced, one hand absentmindedly rubbing her nose. "I was wondering when you'd notice."
"Wha… wh… uh…?" He was spluttering, words tumbling over each other into a disorganised mess. Fuck. Calm down. Why was he always such a mess in front of her? "...when did you get here?!"
"About 10 ish minutes ago? It's not like I timed it or anything."
"And you didn't say anything?!"
"...did you want me to say something?"
What the hell was that supposed to mean?! He didn't know! He just...hadn't wanted her to see him like this… Again. Fuck this was the second time wasn't it? The first time had damaged his pride enough.
Strauss sighed, the sound more tired than disappointed, "Look, I didn't come out here to talk your ear off. But…" she grimaced. "I did overhear your conversation with Carne earlier."
She had?! His eyes shot open. He… he hadn't… Shit. Shit! "S-Strauss-san, I… I wasn't trying to hold you back or anything-"
"It's cool." Flopping back, she gently rolled her neck. Getting rid of the day's stress. "But, yeah. I just came to say that you shouldn't worry about getting too attached or whatever. I'm gonna be staying here for as long as Manager Zeff'll hire me for."
That... should have been a load off his chest, shouldn't it? She said was staying after all. She'd said it herself. He didn't have to be anxious about it anymore.
But still…The words just kept echoing and echoing around his tired head.
She's too good for this place, Sanji. You seriously can't expect her to be waiting tables all her life can you?
"Are you sure?" The words left him before he had a chance to second guess himself. "I mean… are you really okay with waiting tables all your life?"
"It's honest work, so yeah."
"But what do you want? And don't just say 'to work' or any bullshit like that-" he snapped hurriedly as she began opening her mouth- "since that's not what I'm asking and you know it."
Strauss' face hardened. "Hate to break it to you, but no. I don't know what you're asking. So clarify it for me."
No she knew alright. She knew full well. She was reacting too viscerally for her not to. Sanji could just feel the tension between them, all amicability balancing on a knife point. If he said the wrong thing, whatever that may be… he wasn't sure what would happen. If he continued forwards… he could plummet.
He sucked in a breath, considering his options.
"Strauss-san…"
The question was, was he willing to take the plunge.
"...Don't you have a dream?"
Silence.
Pure, still, silence.
"A dream."
This wasn't right. She sounded… cold. Ice cold. It… gave him the shivers just listening to her. Not in an angry way though. It was more… bitter? Not accusatory… but piercing?
She was fine. Totally fine. It was just… she needed more encouragement! Yeah. More encouragement. He plastered the smile back onto his face.
"Yes!" Could he smile? Had he gotten through to her? Were they okay? "You know, something you desperately want to achieve just because you want to. Like because you think you can be better because of it, or just because you think it's cool. D...uh… don't you have one?"
"Of course I don't."
It… it was like someone had physically punched him in the gut.
"Why the hell would I waste my time on something so stupid?" She cocked her head, the action somehow seeming more savage than casual. "There's no point chasing after impossible daydreams. All you're probably gonna get out of it in the end is pain and disappointment."
Before him wasn't his beloved Strauss-san. The girl he laughed and trained with. The person he joked with while serving tables and fighting pirates.
This girl was a complete stranger.
And that scared him.
He felt short of breath. Any words he wanted to say just… clamped in his throat. Suffocating.
What about the All Blue? That wondrous place he'd only ever read about in books? Was he… wrong for wanting to find it? Did he… not deserve to wish that far?
No.
NO.
Two hands curled into fists, "Y… you're wrong."
"Hm?" She raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"
It hurt. It hurt so badly. Every fiber of his being just wanted to curl into a little ball and flake away on the sea breeze. But the stronger part of him held firm. He couldn't back down now. He wouldn't. Not when she had insulted the very thing that had been driving him for so damn long. That was where he drew the line.
Even if that meant throwing away whatever marvelous thing that was going on between them.
"You're wrong."
For a while she just sat there. Blinking at him like he was the strange one, and not her. Like he was the oddity here.
Sanji just gritted his teeth, waiting for the verbal onslaught to come. Since if there was one thing he knew about Strauss, it's that she wouldn't back down without a fight.
"Are you willing to die for it?"
What? Now he was the one staring, more confused than ever before.
"Your dream I mean." Strauss pursed her lips. "Are you willing to die just trying to achieve it?"
Well… That had taken a, uh, dark turn. Still, come to think of it he hadn't actually thought about it before. He was used to death. It had plagued his mind on repeat back when he was a kid. But he never gave into it because that just felt more like giving up than anything concrete. But about his dream? It had never even come into consideration before.
Mostly because he had an obvious answer. Since yes. Of course he was. It was a man's greatest wish to fight for something he believed in. If he died in the process then that was that. At least he'd gone out on his own terms.
But he didn't think that was the answer she wanted. It wasn't so strange after all. Who would want people they cared about to die, if they were chasing what they believed in or not. And, while it still gave him butterflies to think about, he knew full well by now that he fell into that category for Strauss. They both cared about each other dearly, both as coworkers and as precious friends. He thought back to that one incident months ago, which had led to Strauss' injury. That had been bad enough to sit back and watch and be able to do fucking nothing as blood was pouring from her body. He didn't wish that agony upon anyone.
Especially her.
He squared his shoulders, sucking in a dry breath.
Which was why he was going to be completely honest.
"Yes." He met her empty stare head on. "I am."
Thump... Thump…
She'd hate this. He knew she'd hate this. But wasn't it better to be honest about what he genuinely felt rather than just tell her lies? It's what she did for him after all. She had known it would freak him out to know she was female, and told him anyways. The least he could do was repay the favour.
"How selfish."
His head hung, "I know. Sorry."
Another pause, this one somehow longer and more painful than the others. It went on for so long that Sanji often wondered whether Strauss had just gone and left, leaving him stupidly alone on the rooftop. But no. Whenever he turned to the side there she was, just… staring off into space.
Eventually though, she let out a long sigh and wrapped her knees close, "You should be."
Oh god. He wasn't sure what to do. She just sounded so… empty. He should at least give her a hug or something… okay maybe not. But some form of comfort? A gentle pat on the knee. That would be even creepier than the hug though!
"I'm… sorry." Strauss tightened her lips. "For how I reacted I mean. It wasn't right."
"No no no it's perfectly fine!" He flailed his arms apologetically. "Don't worry about it! I just hit a nerve, that's all! Don't worry about i-"
"No. Don't try and be kind to me here. I messed up." A pale finger began twirling and twirling circles on the roof tiles. "It doesn't matter what I think about that sorta stuff. Your life is your life. I had no right to act like that." Her brow furrowed. "I'm sorry…"
As a slight compromise to his coiling emotions, he gently scooted closer to her. "I'm not mad or anything. It's like you said, your life is your life. You can disagree with me all you want on whatever you want."
Since lord knew she'd done plenty of that already.
"So…" He gave her shoulder a light nudge, watching her rock a little from the very gentle touch. "Don't apologise anymore, yeah? Not for this sorta stuff."
"Mhm…"
Good. Sanji let out a sigh of relief. It seemed like she was feeling better again. Or at least calmer. Which, for them at least, was as much as he could really ask for.
Still.
That outburst worried him. For more reasons than upsetting Strauss. He'd known she was pretty selfless. That workaholic mindset didn't come to someone who wasn't. But he hadn't properly realised it stretched to that extent. She didn't have any aspirations of her own. Not one. And this wasn't like one of those scenarios where a person didn't know what sort of direction they'd take in the world. It was like she was refusing herself to have one. Like what she was saying was more to convince herself than him… Or maybe he was reading too much into it. That sort of intensity didn't come from nowhere. Maybe she really did have strong feelings about dreams.
But why?
"Just so you know…" He started slowly, sneaking a glance towards her. "If you ever want to talk about something, anything, just let me know okay? I'm always willing to listen."
Snorting she lazily rolled her eyes, some of the old Strauss beginning to creak through the cracks. "Thanks. Same to you obviously."
"I know."
The first star of the night began twinkling into view, barely a small speck above them. Then, one by one, its companions started appearing as well. Almost as if they had been waiting.
"One last think I want to make clear." A quiet voice broke the silence. "It's not that… I blame you for having aspirations or whatever. That stuff's fine. I just…"
"Don't agree with dreaming in general?"
"No it's not even that. I…" She faltered, scratching at the jagged line where her hair met her neck. "I just want you to be smart. Don't ki… Don't go wasting your life in an effort to… to… uh..."
"To do something impossible?" He nudged once more when it became clear the words were getting tangled in her head.
"Yeah. Kinda. I guess what I'm trying to say is that… don't…" She glanced up towards him, the edge of one tooth chewing on her lip. "Don't…" Her leg was bouncing. Vibrating even. He was worried she'd drill a hole through the roof at that point. "Don't… loose yourself. If your dream or whatever gets… shut off from you."
Gets shut off? What did that even mean? Sanji actually couldn't make sense of it. So… if he couldn't leave the Baratie to go fine the All Blue? Was that what she meant? But he was planning to do that anyways. So… it would be fine, wouldn't it? It would be fine?
But it wouldn't be if she kept talking like that.
"I won't do that." He smiled, slowly nudging her with his shoulder. "I promise."
She snorted. "As if you're gonna keep that promise…"
"Oi, course I will! "
"Uh huh? Thousand beli you won't even remember this conversation next month."
"Well you'd better be prepared to be a thousand beli poorer then, since I'll recite this from memory"
"You'd better. Since I…" A sniff. "I just…"
Sanji's eyes widened.
"Ah…" Strauss chuckled limply, scrabbling at her cheek. "Shit. I'm… I didn't wanna cry. Gah I'm so pathetic. Didn't mean for things to get so sappy. I haven't even got the words out yet and I've already broken down. Hah…. so pathetic… You're gonna laugh at me now."
It was like time was slowing. He was looking at her, watching her try and convince herself that everything was fine. Listening to the aching thump in his chest. He should be thinking of something to help. But his mind was white. Blank. Even when Strauss turned towards him and her apprehensions suddenly vanished.
"I just...don't want to loose you too."
Fuck.
His arms found their way around her before he even had a chance to stop himself and he wasn't sure fully why he had but she was just crying and crying into his shoulder and he wasn't sure quite what to do anymore but he was panicking so damn much and this was so strange he couldn't quite put it into words but he kept holding onto her for some reason and it sorta seemed to be helping so he kept doing it despite the strange feeling tugging on his heartstrings as he tried his damned hardest to put his thoughts back in order. And they did. Very, very, slowly.
Strauss was crying. Like… actually crying. While it wasn't audible, not like the deep retching sobs he was used to hearing when people were in pain.
These were the sniffles of someone who just couldn't hold the agony in anymore. And hated themselves for it.
He hated this. He hated it so much. Strauss wasn't supposed to cry. He wanted all his memories of her to be when they were happy, when they were angry, or when she got so frustrated with him that he found her absolutely unbearable. She was supposed to be strong. She wasn't allowed to cry.
She of all people deserved to be happy.
Right then, in that moment, Sanji made a silent vow to himself. He never told Strauss what it was, and he didn't think he ever would. But a vow he made, and he was going to make sure he was going to uphold it until his dying breath.
He would never let Strauss cry again. Never. Whatever hurt her, whatever caused her pain… he'd get rid of it all. For her. He was going to make sure that she would always be safe, and happy, and free to do whatever she wanted. She would never cry again. Ever. Not like this.
He didn't think he could bear it otherwise.
A/N
Not much to say here. I'm going to try and keep it brief. Thanks to everyone who's liked and commented so far. You guys mean so damn much to me I physically can't find the words to thank you enough. You're all awesome. Stay safe and happy.