Chapter 2: Every Luma in the Galaxy Turns on Me

I hurtled towards the planet and slammed my nose into the grassy ground. OW! From there, I tumbled along until I hit the squat, cylindrical, white "house" in the center of the planet. I got up, dazed, and a Luma floated over to me. Was this his house? Do Lumas even have houses? The Luma squeaked, "That monster…he stole our Power Stars! And your Princess! You gotta save them!"

This went on for about two more minutes until I'd had enough of him wasting my time and Star-Spun the Luma through the wall of the house. I took the opportunity to climb through the hole in the wall and explore the interior of the house. I saw that it contained a table and chairs, a bed, a kitchen area, and – what the heck, a picture of Yoshi on the wall! Did Yoshi live here? Wait, no, Yoshi lives in Dinosaur Land! Is this, like, his vacation home or something?

Meanwhile, the Luma I whacked into the house climbed from the pile of rubble he was in, glaring daggers at me. I quickly left, hoping to be long gone before he was fully mobile again, but what was I really scared of? He was just a Luma! Prior to Baby Luma pulling on my hair, I didn't think they were even capable of harming me.

Long story short, I ended up taking a Warp Pipe to the far side of the planet, which was decidedly more boring with no grass and completely uninteresting terrain. I then fell down a chute that led to the top of the house. But – what?! How did that chute lead through the center of the house, when I was just in the house and there was no chute leading through it?! Already logic is being defied. Usually these adventures give me through World 4 or so before they start defying logic, but NOPE! This one goes there right from the get-go. But as soon as I emerged atop the house, a Luma floating there popped me in the nose. OW! "What gives, you jerk?" I asked as I fell over backwards.

"You hit out friend!" the Luma squealed like a pig. "Now you're gonna pay!"

I couldn't help chuckling.

The Luma's eyes narrowed, "What's so funny, buster?"

I cracked up again, "Sorry, you just physically can't sound angry because no matter what you say, you just sound like a squeaky baby!"

The Luma went to land another blow, but I ducked under the attack, then got up and ground-pounded the Luma. This produced a noise somewhere between flatulence and a rapidly deflating balloon, then the Luma was squashed into a Launch Star. I quickly got in before the other Luma on the rooftop could attack me. Whew! At least that nightmare was over!

A few planets and several more altercations with enraged Lumas (how the heck does word spread amongst them so easily?!) later, I reached a planet with two giant slabs of rock rolling around its center. I looked back and, to my horror, saw no fewer than a dozen Lumas using Launch Stars to chase me! What the flip? I thought only I could use Launch Stars! Then again, Super Mario 3D World revealed that my foes can use Clear Pipes, so why the heck am I surprised?

I started running along the planet, but one of the Lumas caught up to me and whacked me in the back. I hope Lumalee isn't in this galaxy, or no doubt he'll passive-aggressively give me a Poison Mushroom instead of a Life Mushroom or 1-Up Mushroom. That is, if Lumalee is even returning from my first galactic adventure. Rumor has it that, after I defeated Bowser Jr. in his Airship Armada, Bowser kidnapped and tortured Lumalee for helping me make it through the level. Maybe he called it quits on helping me out after that, who knows. I tossed the Luma off me, but then found myself slogging through a puddle of slime, and the Lumas chasing me started laughing at me. Why were they laughing? Oh no…don't even tell me. Don't even tell me this "slime" is Luma poop, like how Toads always laugh at each other if they step in Poochy poop.

The disgusting slime was slowing me down horrendously, and it really saddened me to think that this wasn't even in the Top 5 Most Disgusting Things That Have Ever Happened to Me:

1. Mistook a regular pipe for a Warp Pipe and fell headfirst into the sewers.

2. Slipped on a public bathroom floor and fell into a toilet.

3. Donkey Kong threw a barrel of his poop at me.

4. Bowser Jr. equipped his Clown Car with a "Defe-Cannon" (don't ask).

5. I came home to find Yoshi sick with a stomach bug and spewing semi-solid waste out both his mouth and butt all over my house.

Yuck. I eventually realized I could still jump, though, so I jumped out of the "Luma poop," but another Luma tackled me football-style. I fell to the ground (thankfully not in the slime!) and Star-Spun the Luma off me, but now all the others had arrived. I figured it would be futile to try to stave off a horde of angry Lumas, so I kept running instead. This had dissolved into a speed run-type level, which I HATE, by the way. Also up there on my Hate-O-Meter are auto-scrolling levels, which I similarly hate because they either force me to move too slow or too fast. Super Mario World's Butter Bridge 1: too fast. Super Mario 3D World's Chain-Link Charge: too slow.

Then I noticed that one Luma was on his smartphone, so God knows how many other people he's telling about this.

I leapt on one of the huge rocks, then got on the next one before jumping to the other end of the planet, which was grassy terra firma again. Unfortunately, waiting for me there was another puddle of "Luma poop." I leapt over it and – PARAGOOMBA! I tried to dodge the flying pest, but the Baby Luma turned traitor and steered me towards the Paragoomba. How dare he! The Paragoomba flew right into me like the idiot he is, and I fell backward, getting sucked into the planet's central black hole.

TOO BAD!

When I regenerated, I found myself back at the start of the Rolling Rocks Planet, as I call it, with two Lumas floating over me. They still looked mad, though maybe not as much as before. "How dare you punch a Luma!" one squealed.

I stifled a laugh.

"Yeah!" the other agreed. "But we got out our anger by killing you. We're all good now."

The first Luma held out an appendage to help me up, but I was suspicious of his motives. I got up myself, dusted off my shirt, and kept running.

As I landed after leaping off the first giant rock, my smartphone fell out of my pocket, and when I picked it up, I saw that the one of the Lumas had posted a video of the "Paragoomba Incident" on social media, and worse still, LUIGI had liked it! I texted him:

MARIO: How dare u like that vid!

He replied a few seconds later:

LUIGI: Couldn't help it, was 2 funny.

I contemplated unfriending him, but decided against it, because my list of friends in this world quite possibly numbers at one: Luigi. And now even that's a stretch after this betrayal.

I made it to the other end of the planet without incident, and a Luma created a Launch Star for me to fly on, without me having to ground-pound him into one like I had to do on the Starting Planet and once after that. I landed on the underside of another planet, and on the other side of it were a few grassy ledges populated by – UGH! A trio of Octoombas. Those Goombas may have tried to disguise themselves, but they're still no more than filthy vermin in my eyes.

I leapt up the stones and ran at one, preparing to jump on it, when it threw a ROCK at me. What the-? They never did this in my first galactic adventure! They just headbutted me! I don't know what they did in Super Mario 3D World – Luigi said he met some of them in the bonus worlds, but I'm not a 'bonus worlds' sorta guy. I get in, get Peach, and get out. I'd run into a few Octoombas on an earlier planet, but blew right by them, as my more immediate concern was the horde of out-for-blood Lumas chasing me.

I got back up and jumped on the Octoomba, turning him into a coin and replenishing my health meter. From there, I dodged the other two Octoombas and got in the Launch Star to continue on. How flippin' long was this mission gonna be? Long levels have never been an issue for me – from what I hear, they frequently plagued Luigi when he was exploring Evershade Valley a couple years back, though.

When I landed, I crashed onto an egg. An egg? Why did this seem all too familiar?

Then the egg cracked open. For a second I optimistically thought I was gonna hatch a baby chick, but where the heck has optimism ever gotten me in life? Instead of a chick I hatched an immature psychopath. The egg split open and then all hell broke loose.