Chapter 7: I Face a Nightmare's Nightmarish Little Brother

For some reason, Yoshi didn't come back to Starship Mario with me, but now there was a Yoshi egg on the Starship's nose. Weird. But then I realized that I never saw a second or third Star Coin in "Saddle up with Yoshi." What the flip gives? Despite him having a general air of idiocy or at least ignorance about him, I asked Lubba, "Do you happen to know where each galaxy's Star Coins are, because I can only ever find one?"

"Star Coins?" he asked. "Do you mean Comet Medals?"

Um, no, you ignoramus, I mean Star Coins.

I voiced that thought sans the "you ignoramus," and he replied, "Oh, oh, oh. No, you're thinking of Comet Medals. They look pretty similar to Star Coins. There's only one of them in each galaxy, but I don't know where they are. And when you collect enough, Prankster Comets appear."

What the flip was this trash? I never had to collect Comet Medals to get Prankster Comets to appear in my first galactic adventure! Nor, quite frankly, did I want them to appear, because the always kept me from revisiting the afflicted galaxy until I completed the Prankster Comet mission. And sometimes they were just straight-up obnoxious. Take the Toy Time Galaxy. I completed the first mission, "Heavy Metal Mecha-Bowser," and then a Prankster Comet showed up entitled "Fast Foes of Toy Time." This was set on some strange Tox Box-laden planet that I had never seen before and was completely unprepared for. I eventually gave up and forked over the twenty Star Bits Lumacomète demanded to make him move the Prankster Comets around. I never saw that planet again; granted I only ever completed the first two missions in the galaxy, but that was still strange.

On a positive note, I now had three Power Stars, so I could move on. I had no desire to return to complete the second mission in that accursed Yoshi Star Galaxy – which, quite frankly, I had no idea how I would even do, given that the Starting Planet was probably covered in lava after the volcano on it erupted. Or maybe not, given that these adventures generally size up logic and then spit in its eye.

Anyway, I flew Starship Mario to the barrier keeping me from progressing, and it glowed before exploding and illuminating the next portion of the path through World 1. The path went past a Hungry Luma and to a galaxy that looked like it was made of….

…dirt.

Yep.

Dirt.

Well, that place looked like it had potential…potential, that is, to beat out the Flipswitch Galaxy for the title of "Most Boring Galaxy Ever." And yet, before I ruled out the Dirt Galaxy, I considered the misery Hungry Luma Galaxies had gotten me into in my previous galactic adventure:

Galaxy Rating (x/4 stars)

Sweet Sweet Galaxy * * - -

Sling Pod Galaxy * - - -

Drip Drop Galaxy * * - -

Bigmouth Galaxy * * * -

Sand Spiral Galaxy * * - -

Overall, ten out of twenty stars. 50%. I can't speak to any galaxies after the Sand Spiral, given that I had enough Power Stars to head to Bowser's Galaxy Reactor before the end of World 5.

Sigh. Dirt Galaxy it is. I'll take a boring, easy galaxy over a ridiculously hard one where I lose all my lives trying to sling-pod my way through a cannonball barrage or Boos fall in love with me and chase me over a sea of quicksand.

So as I saw, the Dirt Galaxy's actual name was the Spin-Dig Galaxy. I hoped the Spin-Dig would be a shindig, but it was far from it.

The first thing I noticed was that, once again, the galaxy only had two Power Stars. What was up with this? Were there no three-Power Star galaxies in this game? Well, if so, that would explain why there's more galaxies in World 1: more galaxies, each with fewer Power Stars.

The second thing I noticed was the mission title: "Digga-Leg's Planet." Oh no. This brought back immediate déjà vu of a mission from Super Mario Galaxy. A certain "Megaleg's Moon." That mission was horrible, partly because of Bowser Jr.'s presence, but 99% because when I first saw Megaleg I messed myself in both ways, then had to defeat the giant robot with all…that…down there. There. I admitted it. Now none of Bowser's minions, or Bowser himself, must ever be allowed to find this journal.

So I started the mission and landed on the planet from the galaxy icon. It looked unsuspecting, but almost immediately, things got screwed up. A few weird yellow things that looked like drills with eyes were encircling the planet. What the heck were these things called? I can't stand that with these adventures anymore, no enemies are ever named and I always have to wait several months for the "Board of Mushroom Kingdom Scholars" (BOMKS) to determine "good and proper names" for the new villains before they are officially included in the annually updated Complete Catalogue of Bowser's Minions: Published for Your Convenience So You Know an Enemy When You See One. I guarantee you that is the longest book title since, like, the 1600s.

Anyway, as soon as I stepped off the low spire I landed on, one of the Drills rammed right into me. WHAT ABOUT ME MAKES ENEMIES FEEL THE UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO SLAM RIGHT INTO ME?! I ground-pounded the menace into a coin.

Then I saw some sort of drill (a regular one, not an evil yellow one) sitting on the ground a short distance away. It seemed to be giving off an aura of, "Pick me up and something will happen…," so I grabbed it. A message appeared in front of me saying that I got a Spin Drill, and that now my Star-Spin is rendered useless because if I try to do so, the Spin Drill will activate and tunnel through the planet. Around the edge of the message was some sort of fine print that I didn't get a chance to read before the message vanished. I'm guessing it said something to the effect of, "When you pick up this Spin Drill, you relinquish the legal right to sue Spin Drill Inc. for any harm inflicted by misuse of this Spin Drill, including but not limited to drilling through your own foot." Well, that's a comfort.

Anyway, I used the Spin Drill to reach the top of a spire, where a Luma was waiting for me. Like all Lumas, he couldn't just cut to the chase and turn into a Launch Star, and I had to resist the urge to ground-pound him just to hear that squeaky fart noise again. "ACK! How did you get up here?!" he asked.

What, you see me burrow through the ground with a Spin Drill and you can't deduce how I got up here? Man, Lumas must be even dumber than I thought. And no, this is not an "ACK!" moment. An "ACK!" moment was when I stepped in your brethren's POOP in the Sky Station Galaxy!

After flapping his invisible gums even more, he finally turned into a Launch Star and I got in to fly on.

A few planets and another Comet Medal later, I landed on a Starshroom. Captain Toad was there, acting like I was some sort of urban legend that he'd heard about but never met before and didn't think was real, and like he had just recently become a captain.

Okay….

A) WE'VE MET BEFORE!

B) EVERYONE KNOWS I'M REAL!

C) YOU WERE A CAPTAIN EVERY OTHER TIME I'VE MET YOU!

Not wanting to put up with any more of Captain Toad's usual nonsense, I left while he was in mid-sentence and continued to the next/final planet. And as I approached the planet, my worst fear was confirmed. The planet was 2D, and atop it was what looked like Megaleg's little brother. He had only two legs instead of three, but had the same siphon-like nose and general head shape. But this robot, presumably Digga-Leg, had a drill on one side of its head and a Power Star-containing cage on the other. At least it didn't look like Bullet Bills would be involved this time, but I had no idea how I would climb Digga-Leg to break the cage – I didn't see any stable footholds on its legs like were present on Megaleg.

Unfortunately, as soon as I landed on the planet, I could no longer tell what was going on with Digga-Leg, as whatever idiot in Bowser's regime designed this fight didn't consider that I, on the underside of the planet in a 2D fight, cannot see the top of the planet! I ran around the side of it in time to see Digga-Leg let off some steam (literally) and then start stomping around. I couldn't tell for sure, but it looked as though his eyes were glowing RED instead of Megaleg's yellow ones. Was this supposed to be a horror movie, because everything about Digga-Leg was giving off that vibe.

But then I realized that Power Star was on his underside, and I could use a Spin Drill to drill through the planet and break open the cage. Of course, once I was directly opposite him on the planet, I wouldn't be able to see him at all, so I'd just have to hope that the slowly (and aimlessly) moving monster didn't shift far enough that my aim was messed up. But as I prepared to drill into the planet, what came through from the other side but one of those Drills! What the flip did these things have against me?! I ground-pounded it, then drilled through the ground to the far side of the planet. Only once I reached it, I didn't hit the cage and get showered in broken glass like I'd expected, I hit that stupid drill on Digga-Leg and ricocheted back through the planet. What the-? The drill was on top of his head before! His head can flip upside-down? Why wasn't I warned of this?

I went to drill through the planet again, and this time Digga-Leg's head was positioned so I could drill into the Power Star cage. Only it didn't break; it merely cracked. Oh come on! Megaleg was powered by a flippin' Grand Star and that cage only took one hit to break, so how the heck is the cage on Digga-Leg, who's only being powered by a measly Power Star, so much more durable?!

Then Digga-Leg got mad and leapt up in the air before crashing back down and (this time literally) scaring the poop out of me. Anyway, after I cracked the glass twice more, Digga-Leg exploded and left behind a Power Star. I ran towards the Power Star and grabbed it, hoping and praying that this fight would end up being as dumb as the boss fights in this game got. Then again, why do I get my hopes up? That never gets me anywhere on these quests.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! This may (I emphasize may!) be the last update for a while, given that I'll be busy getting back to school, and I have some other fics I want to work on – this one's been taking priority recently. For all you Mario fans, I'm planning a five-part horror/comedy fic for October that centers on a Lego Super Mario toy coming to life and seeking vengeance on its owner – I'm looking forward to writing that one and trying to make it in the same vein of humor as this story. And please leave a review – I love to receive them!

Next up: a rude Hungry Luma and a return to the Spin-Dig Galaxy!