The first shard was in the possession of a vaunted minstrel, who was in despair over losing his magic lute. Strongarm quested through the woods, fighting off hordes of undead before finally retrieving the enchanted instrument. He delivered it to its owner, received his payment… and was immediately stabbed in the back.

Naturally, Strongarm did not take this lying down.

Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale, by Lufas Maphaahl

"I have a lead!" Jilk shouted. Apparently he and Julius had met up with Guts and the other love interests on the way over: Greg had his new spear propped on his shoulder. The Robber King had a sturdy shaft made of dark wood, reinforced at intervals with bands of metal. The head was made of polished bronze, and was long and wide enough that it could be used as a knife were it ever detached. "There are two known shards of Sudani Glass in Holfort… Is everything okay?"

Olivia and Angelica were sitting on opposite ends of a public bench, and were placing immense effort into avoiding each other's gaze. Leon and Earis stood off to the side, both looking unimaginably uncomfortable. "Don't worry about it," said the guard. "What were you saying?"

"Uh…" It took a moment for Jilk to regain his train of thought. Julius closed his eyes and castigated himself in the background, correctly surmising that this was all his fault. "So, you know how Torras wanted one shard to be green, one red and one blue? Well, there's a blue shard right here in the Crown District! It belongs to a man named Torvel!"

This made Olivia look up. "Torvel? Why do I feel like I've heard that name before?"

"He's a famous actor," said Angelica quietly. "His troupe operates out of a theatre not far from here."

"O-oh," replied the fairy, once more looking down into her lap. "T-Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

The awkward silence returned, somehow even worse than before. Everyone looked at Jilk to keep the ball rolling. "He's… uh… He's in the middle of a performance right now, so I was thinking we could investigate the other lead. Apparently a shard of green Sudani Glass was given to a bard named Torva by one of his lovers. He's been seen hanging around Avrum Market, so we can find him fairly easily if we ask Agilo for help."

"Perfect!" Leon yipped. He wagged his tail with forced enthusiasm as he hopped to his feet. "You guys get on that, I have something I need to do real quick!"

Julius did a massive double take. "What? But why-"

"See ya!" The wolfdog sprinted away at top speeds, and was out of sight before they could react. The awkward silence continued.

"Well then," said the Prince, who considered himself the next link in the chain of command when Leon was absent. "We should… you know… probably get going…"

The trek to Avrum Market was interminably long, the entire party choked by the miasma of negativity emanating from the two girls. Soon, all of them were cursing Leon to an early grave for escaping without them.

"Hey kids!" Agilo waved to them as they entered the Market, quickly sidling up to them with a conspiratorial look. "You guys aren't looking for a minstrel named Torva, are you?"

"…Yes!" Greg confirmed. "How did you know?"

"Because a moment ago your dog friend ran up to him, sniffed him, tried to bite him and then ran off."

This got a few dry laughs. "That does sound like him," acknowledged Chris. "Is the bard still here?"

"He's right over there," nodded the merchant. "I'm warning you now: he's an asshole."

Torva was a plain, unshaven, dark haired man wearing brown clothing. He stood on the sidewalk by himself, frowning in apparent confusion in the direction of the city gates. His face lit up as he noticed them approach, clearing his throat before speaking. "Well met, sirs. I am Torva the bard. Might you have a moment to hear a tale of woe?"

It was Brad, the Team Dandy, who perked up the most at his choice of words. "Tale of woe?"

"One to break your heart as it has broken mine, kind sir. A tragedy has befallen me." Torva mimed wiping a tear from his eye. "My lute has been stolen from me. It is not only my livelihood, but my one route to true happiness."

Chris frowned and folded his arms. He wasn't sure why, but he found that he instinctively disliked the man. "And why is that?" The bard affected a swoon of grief.

"The Lady Isele, beauty beyond words, has fallen out of love with me for lack of my lute. I have wooed her for years, but stand to lose all unless you can recover my lost lute."

"Maybe she's just not that into you," said Angelica darkly. She had been reduced to tears twice now, and her voice was now frighteningly hoarse. Oddly, the man didn't seem particularly offended.

"My lute is magical," he admitted. "In the hands of a bard, it can win any maiden's heart."

"So you were brainwashing this woman?" Earis clarified. "I dunno, fellas. Maybe we shouldn't be talking to this guy."

"He has something we need," reminded Jilk. "Mr Torva, do you have a green piece of Sudani Glass? We're willing to retrieve the lute if you give it to us in exchange."

It seemed to take him a moment to remember what he meant. "That old thing? I'd forgotten that Isele even gave me that!" He took off his pack and spent a few seconds rifling through it: the glass shone gorgeously in the afternoon sun, and was long and jagged like a knife. "It's yours, if you can find the lute."

"I don't know about this," said Olivia. "This feels… incredibly rapey."

"But we need that shard," grumbled Julius reluctantly. "Can you tell us where you lost it?"

"In the woods, north of the city." He pointed dramatically over their shoulders for emphasis. "I was picking flowers for my lady when a band of monsters attacked me. I know not what kind: it was dark, and there were many. I escaped, but dropped my lute in my haste."

"That's not a whole lot to go on," remarked Greg. "But it's going to have to do." He hefted the Robber King in his hand, vowing in his heart that this was one spear he would never let shatter. "Let's go! I'm sure if we work together-"

It was then that Leon made his grand return, already holding the lute in his mouth. He bounded through the front gate and skidded to a halt, spitting it at their feet as his tail wagged furiously. "Hey! What did I miss?"

"Oh for crying out loud!" Greg threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "I didn't even get to kill anything!"

"Next time," promised Leon. "Trust me, this was an annoying one; it's better for me to speedrun it. Side note: do not recommend getting this guy's scent. He has a ton of STDs."

Torva panicked and tried to hide behind Brad as soon as the wolfdog pulled up. "It's that dog again! It tried to bite me when I went to pet its ears!"

"So don't touch his ears," grunted Guts. "Jackass."

"The point is we have the lute," said Jilk, picking it and wiping Leon's slobber off with his sleeve. "Here."

"Praise the gods!" Torva crowed, shoving Brad away and snatching the instrument from his grasp. "You have delivered me from despair!" He pushed the glass shard into Jilk's hand, so forcefully he almost cut himself on the jagged edge. He scowled but stowed it away as the bard began to crow over his lute. "Let's see if it needs to be tuned."

He ran his fingers over the strings, filling the air with beautiful music that reminded Leon of a spa. "Anyway," said Julius. "That's one down. Only two more left to… Angie? What are you doing?"

Angelica was entranced by the melody, her eyes wide with rapturous attention. "It's incredible," she whispered breathlessly. "You're so amazing! So talented!" She began clinging to his side; Torva sneered perversely as her breasts pressed against his arm. "Please, I beg you, make me your woman!"

"No, me!" Apparently her affinity for mind magic lent Olivia no defence. She draped herself against his other side, the hands of the two girls running over his body like small animals. "My lord! Please, let me please you!"

"You bastard!" The love interests drew their weapons, and after a shared glance the two guards followed suit. "Let them go!"

"And why would I do that?" Torva scoffed. "You have no power over me! Not when you're lovely friends here are willing to take your blades on my behalf!" A large shadow enveloped him as Leon slowly grew to his maximum size. "Fear not, for with Lady Isele's fortune they shall be well-"

Leon ate him in one bite, faster than the ensorceled girls could react. They began desperately attacking him with punches, kicks and the occasional fire spell, but the massive wolfdog just sat on his haunches and wagged his tail. They could hear Torva inside his mouth, screaming and hammering at the back of his teeth to be let out.

"Damn," said Greg respectfully.

With the music gone the spell quickly wore off, and soon the two girls were swaying dizzily as their faculties returned. "Urgh…" groaned Olivia. "What… happened…"

Leon spat the bard unceremoniously onto the ground; he was covered from head to toe in a gelatinous layer of dog saliva, while the magic lute clattered away across the pavement. With a victorious bark the wolfdog slammed his paw down on top of it, shattering it into tiny splinters.

"No!" Torva screamed, stretching his gooey hand towards the ruined instrument. "My lute! My lady! My fortune! MY BITCHES!"

He was abruptly cut off as Olivia kicked him in the teeth, dislodging a few and sending them skittering away across the cobblestones. "You motherfucker," she snarled. "You worthless, pathetic, dickless little asshole!"

Torva screamed as Angelica slammed her foot down on his hand, her heel piercing through and skewering him to the pavement. "How dare you," she spat. "How DARE you!"

"Get 'em guys!" Leon cheered, shrinking to his regular size and barking giddily. "Fuck him up!"

The love interests glanced at one another before joining in, gleefully egging the girls on as they beat the cathartic shit out of him. A few people stopped and stared, but walked off when they saw who they were stomping on. Tellingly, a lot of people recognised Torva by sight.

"And stay down!" Olivia shouted, delivering a final downward punch to Torva's face.

"Yeah!" Angelica roared. The girls exchanged a high ten, laughing together for a few moments before suddenly remembering how awkward things were between them.

"So can I arrest him now?" Earis asked nervously, not entirely comfortable with the vigilante violence. When the Duke's daughter gave him a nod he grabbed the bard by one arm while Guts grabbed the other, dragging him away in the direction of the guardhouse. Someone coughed in embarrassment.

"So anyway," smiled Jilk sheepishly. "Since that puts us ahead of schedule: anyone want to catch the end of Torvel's play while we wait for them to come back?"

There was a round of Sures and Why Nots, so the remaining members of the party trooped back to the Crown District. The theatre was attached to a large park where many dogs that were slightly less indestructible than Leon were enjoying the afternoon. Torvel was on stage as they approached, and it was only when she saw his face that she recognised him as the method actor whose eyes had been stolen while roleplaying as a beggar.

His troupe was performing - of all things - The Lusty Argonian Maid.

"A play!" Olivia gasped. "I've heard of this custom! They were developed by humans to blah blah! Blah blah blah…"

The love interests followed her into the seats, while the wolfdog lingered at Angelica's side. "Not going to join them?" Leon asked.

"No, I… I think I'm going to stay here."

"Okay." Leon plopped himself down on his haunches, his phenomenal eyesight letting him see every detail of the play. Torvel was playing Crantius Colto, and convincingly at that. Lifts-Her-Tail was played by some woman he had never seen before; she clearly wasn't a real lizardperson, which was ruining his immersion. She was technically wearing the fantasy equivalent of blackface, which made him a little uncomfortable.

Angelica sighed when it became clear he wasn't going to leave. "You don't have to say anything. I already know that I'm the one at fault."

"I don't think you're at fault," said Leon calmly. "In fact, I don't particularly think anyone is at fault." Except for me, he didn't say.

"How political," she laughed bitterly. "Do you know what Julius said to me?"

Of course he did. Leon could hear a bird fart on the opposite end of the continent. "What?"

"He said that I was supposed to be the real king. He said that I was raised to do his job for him like a fucking secretary while he sluts around and mass produces heirs. He says that we were being moulded into the next generation of King Roland and Queen Mylene."

"I can see why."

"You mean you can see why he'd think that?"

"Why people would want that. The country is actually quite stable at the minute, if you only look at the monarchy. You can see why certain parties might want to preserve the status quo."

Angelica's shoulders slumped miserably. "I'm trapped, aren't I? I'm trapped. I'm going to be Queen, I'm going to be chained behind a desk, and I'm going to be trapped there. Just like Queen Mylene. My husband doesn't care about me, and my friends are all just desperate for a place at the trough. They're parasites. Less than parasites. Barnacles. I'm alone. I'm completely… completely and… completely… alone…"

Leon fought tooth and nail for something to say, anything that might take the pain away. As he always did, he failed. He wasn't the main character, that was… "Olivia."

She blinked, briefly uncomprehending. "What?"

"Olivia. She's your friend, and she couldn't care less about all that political bullshit. No strings."

Her mouth twisted with self-loathing. "Not any more she isn't. I attacked her, hurt her when she did absolutely nothing wrong. I lashed out at her, just for the sake of having someone to lash out at. I'm a fucking disgrace."

Now this he could help with. "So apologise. Easy."

Angelica stared at him with mild incredulity. "It's not that simple…"

"Of course it is. You've already apologised once, and that was for something way more serious! You actually meant that thing you said about commoners, but any fool can tell you didn't mean this. You two are lucky to have each other. To jeopardise it over a spat like this is just… silly."

"We're not that close-"

"I saw how you guys talked in that aqueduct. In Saanavarh. You bonded. You were the only ones interested in the architecture, in the history of it all. We have a word for that where I'm from: birds of a feather. That's what you are, Angelica. Birds of a feather." Her eyes shimmered with emotion. This had been the most fun she had ever had in her life, and he had just perfectly encapsulated why. "Now, I realise I'm just calling you both nerds, but…"

Angelica laughed helplessly, getting a few annoyed looks from the audience. She muffled her voice, sliding to her knees as her giggles broke down into tears. Leon placed his paw on her shoulder in an approximation of a hug, allowing to wrap her arms around his neck and cry into his fur. They stayed there, huddled against the bushes until the sobs slowed.

"Thank you," she said eventually, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. "You're a good boy."

"That's what the ladies tell me."

This got another hiccuping giggle. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

Leon just stared blankly. "For what?"

"For ignoring you all day. You're more isolated than I am, and I've just been ignoring you even though I'm one of only three people in the city who can understand a word you say. That was selfish of me. And short-sighted. And cruel."

"You've had other things on your mind," he said soothingly. "It's fine. I don't expect you to go around revealing your darkest secrets just to make me feel better."

Angelica looked at him for a moment, then rose to her feet. She dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief, then quickly applied a fresh layer of makeup with a small pocket mirror. When she was once more presentable she entered the audience, inserting her amongst the rest of the party while Leon sprawled out at her feet.

"Just so you guys know," she whispered. "I can understand animals. Like Olivia."

The boy gave her five disbelieving looks. "You can?" Julius whispered back. "Why?"

"Fairy ancestor."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Because it was a secret."

"I understand," said Chris sympathetically. "I recently found out that I was descended from a sea serpent."

Greg did a double take. "What?"

"Apparently she was in a love triangle with mine and your ancestors."

"What!"

This got him shushed.

"He didn't take rejection well," added Jilk. "By the time we got there he was an undead and just staring creepily at her body. We had to put him down."

"I got his sword."

"I got his shield!"

"I'm descended from golems," said Brad suddenly. "Certain members of my family turn into magic artefacts when sexually aroused. I can't, but my Mom can. She turns into a motorcycle. Most of my sisters can do it too, but I'm not sure what they turn into."

"This play isn't nearly as intellectual as I hoped," grumbled Olivia.

"Shush!" Leon hissed. He was sitting bolt upright with his ears perked, his tail wagging furiously behind him. "This is my favourite part!"

"Plenty of time, my sweet," said Crantius Colto. "Plenty of time."

Side Quest: Torva's Magic Lute

Summary: one of two quests that become available after completing the Iona Catacombs, this quest is an absolute bitch to complete. The lute is found in an obscure corner of a bog standard random encounter, and is almost impossible to find if you don't know what you're looking for. Torva rewards with an obscene amount of money, presumably so you can afford the new equipment available in Saanavarh.

At no point in his sidequest does Torva try to use his lute on your female party members. At no point in the game do either of them ever get complimented on their appearance, so that may have something to do with it. Flece in particular looks infamously diseased in her first appearance.

The Lusty Argonian Maid is a popular in-universe play from the Elder Scrolls series, which currently has a dramatic reading on YouTube by Roy Kelly. If you watch one YouTube video in your entire life, let it be this one.