Chapter 11: Baby Luma Abandons Me

So apparently the Flip-Swap Galaxy's first (and, if previous Hungry Luma galaxies were any indication, only) mission was titled "Think Before You Shake." What the flying flip was that supposed to mean? Shake? Shake what? Shake your booty…? Well, I never shake my booty anyway, so that shouldn't be a concern. For your information, "shaking your booty" also goes by a much less flattering name: twerking.

I landed on the starting platform of the galaxy, and saw that it took place in deep space, and most of the footing in the level was – oh come on!

The Red-Blue Panels I utterly despised in Super Mario 3D Land and Super Mario 3D World! I knew they were gonna be here based on the galaxy icon, but had hoped against hope that they would only play a minor role! Wait...was that gimmick what the mission title was referencing; if so, why the heck did it say "Think Before You Shake" instead of "Think Before You Jump"? As with all the inconsistencies and related nonsense in these adventures, I'm gonna mark it up to the Koopa Troop's idiocy.

Then again, this galaxy came from a Hungry Luma, and these galaxies have always been a bit of a blind spot for me in terms of who to blame for the nonsense they contain. The Hungry Luma, for turning into the galaxy? Or Bowser? And here's another problem: I'm expected to believe that these Hungry Lumas are good guys, or at the very least neutral. If so, why do they turn into galaxies complete with Power Stars that Bowser supposedly stole? Did he kidnap the Hungry Lumas and shove these Power Stars down their throats? Or are Hungry Lumas just evil Star Bit burglars? Is it burgling or robbing? They don't threaten me into feeding them Star Bits, but then after turning into a galaxy, they posthumously harm (and quite often repeatedly kill) me indirectly via the enemies found in the galaxies. So…?

Okay. Sorry for rambling. Some people contemplate the existence of a higher power, I contemplate the good/evil alignment of Hungry Lumas.

So I saw that sharing the starting area with me, before the Red-Blue nonsense started, was a Star Bunny. Haven't seen them in a while. All I've seen are regular bunnies, aside from the rumors I've heard about some distant corner of the Mushroom Kingdom being terrorized by a gang of psycho rabbits called the Broodals. Well, technically I have seen Star Bunnies, in the form of Lumas, but I don't really know how much I buy that. The only Star Bunnies I've ever seen turn into Lumas were the Baby Luma and his two cohorts in "Grand Star Rescue" from my first galactic adventure. Never again, so I'm thinking that they actually are two separate species, and the those three Lumas were the result of some sort of genetic experiment Rosalina did to make a hybrid of the two species.

Anyway, this Star Bunny said, "Jump! Spin! Make 'em flip!" I'm assuming he's referencing making the Red-Blue Panels flip, so jump makes sense…but why spin? I jumped just to test out the panels, but nothing happened. What the heck? So, just for the heck of it, I did the other thing the Star Bunny said and spun.

All the blue panels switched to red ones.

What?

The?

HECK?!

Well, now "Think Before You Shake" makes…actually no, it still doesn't make sense, because why the heck is spinning being referred to as shaking? Well, I shake my fist at whatever idiot named this level.

And so I set off through the Red-Blue Panel section, which was pretty simple at first. In a way it was easier having them react to spinning instead of jumping, given that spinning is a less essential move overall.

But when I reached the end of the section, I foolishly tried to jump over a gap in the panels to a set of blocks ahead of me that were inhabited by Goombas and an Octoomba. Vermin! Unfortunately, I overestimated my abilities, and just barely managed to grab onto the edge of the blocks. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold on for too long, so I made a risky move. I leapt off the platform and spun in midair to make the Blue Panel behind me appear and hopefully come up under me to keep me from falling.

CRRRAAACKKK!

OWWWWWW!

The Blue Panel appeared all right, but somehow crushed my legs between it and the block I was holding onto before. "OWWW!" I screamed, trying to free my legs from their prison.

But then the Octoomba on the blocks ahead of me saw me. You'd better not…even I wouldn't stoop this low…wink wink….

The filthy vermin shot a rock at me, which hit me square in the face and made me lose a wedge of health. Somehow I was at two wedges of health now, because I sorta assumed that my legs getting broken would've cost me a health wedge, but I guess it didn't.

And then the Octoomba shot another rock at me. Are you kidding me? I'm gonna die as an Octoomba's personal punching bag?! Fortunately, the second rock was soon followed by a third that ended my misery.

TOO BAD!

When I respawned at the start of that area, my legs were mysteriously not broken. Then again, it's hardly the worst injury I've miraculously recovered from through unknown means. That award probably goes to the time on N64 Rainbow Road when Bowser threw a Bob-Omb that not only knocked me off the track but also blew about half of my brains onto the track. I do not envy Lakitu having to clean up that mess.

This time, I got to the end of the first area without incident, dodged the Octoomba's rock, and then looked ahead. Oh, for crying out loud! The next section had electric fences scrolling between some of the Red-Blue Panels. As if the Panels themselves weren't enough. You know what I hope isn't brought back at some point in this adventure? The Red-Blue Panels' 3D derivatives, the Beep Blocks. Those were even worse.

And so I had barely entered the section when trouble inevitably found me. I reached an electric fence and SPIN-jumped over it (NO!), making the Red Panels that would have been under me vanish. I managed to course-correct at the last second and land on a nearby Blue Panel, but still – harrowing!

I spin-jumped to the right and got back on track. But a few spin-jumps later, I started feeling the need to vomit. Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. Never before have I spin-jumped so many times in succession, and now it was playing havoc with my stomach. I tried to hold it in, but holding it in was a losing game…. Honestly, why the heck am I singing so much today? It's nothing short of absurd.

So I puked – which triggered the memory of the "Star Bit Soup" incident, in turn making me puke more – but made the mistake of puking in the direction of an electric fence. The vomit splattered all over the electric fence and sizzled, then was propelled back at me very quickly.

What the fudge?! In my shock, I had no time to duck, and the puke plastered itself to my face, electrocuting me and knocking me over.

Once my (literal) shock at losing a wedge of health had abated, I became fully aware of the disgusting situation I was in: my own vomit was splattered all over my face. I frantically tried to wipe it off, but found that it had been solidified by the electricity. Its texture was actually a lot like that of the fake vomit Toads leave everywhere on April Fool's Day.

I flung the vomit away, simultaneously less and more disgusted at its new consistency, but my aim was not thought out, and the puke flew straight into another electric fence.

Son of a-!

The vomit was zapped and flung at me again, but this time as soon as it hit the electricity, I ducked. The vomit flew over me and then EXPLODED about two feet behind me. Yikes. If that had flown into my face, we would've had the N64 Rainbow Road incident all over again.

I cursed at the electricity and continued on. I got a 1-Up Mushroom along the way, then continued on the path. Finally, I reached another set of blocks, and took a breather. I looked around me. Stars everywhere. A bluish comet zipped by overhead.

Suddenly, Baby Luma went crazy and started squealing, "MA-MA! MA-MA! MA-MA!" "Mama"? Who's his mama? You can't mother a star! "MA-MA!" Baby Luma continued.

I tried to tune him out and focus on the comet. They say if you see a comet, you should make a wish on it. Wait, no, that's shooting stars. Well, it can't hurt to wish on a comet, my wishes never come true anyway. Let's see…I wish for Bowser to drop dead. But I don't know if he even can die. I mean, in my first galactic adventure, he got sucked into a black hole – at least that's what I think it was, given that it looked nothing like any of the other black holes I'd encountered. Granted, the Lumas reset the universe after that, but he'd already entered the black hole, so he should've stayed dead. Unless he works like me: he can fall into a black hole and just respawn later on. But also, didn't the Lumas resetting everything make Bowser and his minions good? That's the impression I got at least, so then why the heck was he back to his old antics again the next year in New Super Mario Bros. Wii? Or is he just so irredeemably evil that even Luma magic has no effect on him?

By now the comet was barely visible anymore, but then Baby Luma flew from under my cap and took off after the comet, still screaming, "MA-MA! MA-MA! MA-MA!"

Was he losing it? Well, fine, Baby Luma, I don't need you. I can continue on my – wait, NO! I can't STAR-SPIN without him! In a GALAXY WHERE I NEED TO STAR-SPIN MORE THAN I'VE EVER NEEDED TO STAR-SPIN BEFORE!

I was filled with rage. One might say I was blinded by my rage….

Seriously, STOP SINGING!

But anyway, blinded by my rage. And in that rage, I made a series of…poor choices. I first tore off a glove and hurled it after Baby Luma, but he was barely visible anymore and the throw was pathetic at best. The next thirty seconds were not my most glorious, as in my fit of ire and searching for stuff to throw after Baby Luma, I tore off my other glove.

And my cap.

And my overalls.

And my shirt.

And my boots.

And my socks.

Until I finally calmed down, at which point I was left with just my underpants on.

They say that in space, no one can hear you scream. And so I took advantage of that fact to let out the loudest, longest scream of my life. And it felt mighty good. Until my scream ended and I remembered the humiliating predicament I was in.

Darn.