Chapter 13: Starship Mario Is Pelted with Fabric Meteors

By the time I cleaned myself off, the sun in World 1 was setting, so I just went to bed. The following morning, I realized that my only change of clothes other than my plumber attire – all that now remained of which now were my underpants – and my pajamas was a tuxedo/dress pants combo. After Yoshi arrived on Starship Mario, I sent him back to the Mushroom Kingdom while I completed "Digga-Leg's Planet" to get my PJs and suit, as well as the Super Mario Galaxy Prima Guide I bought a couple months ago but haven't had time to read yet. I learned from my first galactic adventure that sleeping in my plumber attire was not the most comfortable, and the tuxedo was reserved for wearing when I save Peach. I put on my tux and dress pants, but I could not afford to let them get dirty while traveling the universe, so I made a tough decision. Until I found a solution to this predicament, my adventuring would have to go on hold.

Which would mean staying on Starship Mario.

With Lubba.

Ugh.

Well, I've gotta keep my friends close but my potential enemies closer, and this would be a great opportunity to gather information on Lubba. Call me crazy, but…I just don't like him.

So when I emerged from my cabin, I found Lubba picking space junk out of Starship Mario's ears. EW! Stop crawling around in every single orifice you can fit in, you weirdo!

He probably heard me coming and emerged from the ear, then greeted me, "Oh, hiya cap'n! Lookin' real sharp today!"

19. Crawls around in ears.

20. Gives backhanded compliments.

Don't be fooled by that "lookin' real sharp" garbage. It is an insult in disguise!

I walked over to Starship Mario's sideburn near the ear Lubba wasn't in and sat down at the table there. There was nobody to dine with…except Lubba, but the very thought of him being in Starship Mario's ears threatened to slaughter my appetite. I poured myself a bowl of Super Mario cereal (with power-up marshmallows!), but only ate a few bites. Because then Lubba floated around to this ear and started fishing space junk out of it. Yep. Appetite dead.

21. Has no respect for people eating breakfast.

I fought the urge to hurl my cereal bowl at him, but instead did something worse. I walked over to the ear, cereal bowl in hand, and said, "Excuse me, Lubba. I would like to help you."

"Really?" he asked. "Okay, cap'n. So you just-"

"PSYCH!" I finished, hurling the bowl, cereal and all, into Starship Mario's ear. I sure hope his day is made miserable getting that out of there. That's what you get for giving me three grievances against you in under five minutes.

After that I headed back to my cabin and hunkered down there until around noon, reading my Super Mario Galaxy Prima Guide. Man am I glad I got enough Power Stars in the first five worlds that I didn't have to fight Bowser Jr. a third time or go to World 6. Turns out King Kaliente somehow got resurrected and was lying in wait for me again at Bowser Jr.'s Lava Reactor. Seriously, was "reactor" Bowser's Word of the Day when he named all the boss galaxies in that game? Bowser Jr.'s Robot Reactor. Bowser's Star Reactor. Bowser Jr.'s Lava Reactor. Bowser's Galaxy Reactor. It was a stupid trend, one that I hope does not continue in this adventure.

And then World 6 was even worse. First up was this place the Boo's Boneyard Galaxy, where I would've had to race that idiot the Spooky Speedster for the second time. The Deep Dark Galaxy was some sort of mash-up of haunted and beach levels, believe it or not, and, continuing the trend of undead bosses, Kamella came back there. After that was this stupid-sounding place called the Dreadnought Galaxy where (surprise surprise) Topmaniac returned. And then there was some sort of strange place called the Matter Splatter Galaxy that seemed to be an entire galaxy based on "Matter Splatter Mansion" from the Ghostly Galaxy. Following that was the Melty Molten Galaxy, home to a creep called Fiery Dino Piranha, whose name was pretty self-explanatory. And to wrap it all up was a level called the Snow Cap Galaxy where I apparently had to chase Star Bunnies. See, stuff like this makes me wonder whether Star Bunnies are really good either, because if they were, why would they have one of the Power Stars that Bowser stole?! And for collecting all 120 Power Stars, apparently I would've gotten to head to the "Grand Finale Galaxy," which was the biggest misnomer of all time. The galaxy was really just the Mushroom Kingdom, which I know for a fact is NOT in some Grand Finale Galaxy. It is located in the Ball Cock Galaxy, which, speaking as a plumber, looks nothing like a ball cock.

I saw Lubba still in fishing my breakfast out of Starship Mario's ear and muttering about how the "milk could ruin the Starship's interior workings." All I saw was his butt sticking out of the ear, looking like a blob of purple Jell-O that decided to wear pants. I chuckled to myself, but Lubba obviously heard and chucked a few power-up marshmallows at my head.

And that was when it started raining fire.

A meteor lazily fell on Starship Mario's helm and set the pine tree on fire. What the heck? Was Bowser attacking? I know in my first galactic adventure he loved shooting meteors from his airship, so that's what I assumed was happening here.

"Are you kidding me?!" I yelled.

"Whatever's going on up there, serves you right," Lubba said, his voice muffled.

Fine! I didn't need that constipated purple paint bubble's help. I shoved him further into Starship Mario's ear as revenge for him being useless, but he retaliated by farting in my face. Hmm…was that intentional or just because of the pressure me pushing on him put on his intestines? I'll add a tentative #22 to my list.

22. Farts at his superiors.

I ran up to the helm, but immediately got hit by another meteor. NO! MU TUX WAS ON FIRE! I tried patting it out with my Prima Guide, which saved my tux but burned the book. I frantically threw it away before it burned my gloveless hands, and it landed on the Warp Pad to the berry-filled planetoid orbiting Starship Mario.

Meanwhile, Lubba had freed himself from Starship Mario's ear and floated up to the helm. "Oh my, look at that," he said. "Meteors! Well, I'm not helping you out. You're the captain. You deal with it."

23. States the obvious.

24. Is COMPLETELY USELESS in emergencies.

I glared daggers at Lubba, then heard an explosion. I looked up to see the berry planet burst into flames. My Prima Guide, burned beyond recognition, landed back on Starship Mario, while berry guts splattered all over Starship Mario and MY TUX, missing LUBBA entirely! NOT MY TUX AGAIN!

"Oh my gosh," Lubba said, tardy to the Panic Party. "Red Luma, get out here!"

Red Luma suddenly emerged from Starship Mario's nose (EEW!), holding a large garden hose. Oh, haha. He's a red Luma, so he's a firefighter.

Then the burned pine tree fell on the helm, setting it ablaze. But apparently Star Bits are flammable, because the now-dried splotches of "Star Bit Soup" that the Hungry Luma hadn't eaten yesterday exploded when the fire touched them. I was blasted over the front end of the helm, through the spray of Red Luma's hose, and onto the Starship's nose.

Another meteor fell on the Red Luma and he burst into flames, squealing like crazy. Lubba grabbed the hose and doused the flames with it, but the Red Luma was now burnt. He looked sorta like Polari from my first galactic adventure. And then Lubba turned the hose on ME! NO! Briefly flying through the Red Luma's hose spray was one thing, but this was different – now my tux was drenched too! Does nobody have respect anymore for people who are trying to look snazzy?

25. Has no respect for people who are trying to look snazzy.

Two more meteors fell towards Starship Mario – one set the steering wheel on fire, while the other, the largest so far, drifted down the chimney. Oh no. That led to the engine room.

Suddenly, Lubba called to me, "Um, cap'n, these meteors are your clothes."

26. LIAR!

I ran up to him, ready to punch his nuts, but then he held up my cap. It was burnt, not to mention soggy from being hosed down, but it was undeniably my cap.

…Okay, I take back #26.

Suddenly, I heard an explosion from within the ship as the meteor set the engine room ablaze, and flames belched out Starship Mario's eyeballs. Now this was really bad.

I leapt down the chimney to try to salvage the ship's engine, while Lubba and Red Luma a.k.a. Polari clone kept up their firefighting efforts on the helm. I found the engine badly damaged, with what but my flaming overalls at the center of the carnage.

You know what, I should have seen this coming a light-year away. Of course my clothes were gonna keep falling after I threw them, and Starship Mario was parked underneath the galaxy, so…sooner or later, they were gonna fall towards us. Well, at least now I have my clothes back. That is, if they're salvageable. And if Starship Mario doesn't burn down with me inside it. Which seems very likely at this point.

I grabbed the emergency fire extinguisher in the engine room and sprayed everything down with it. In front of me were several glass display cases atop pedestals, but I couldn't find any sort of indication as to what their purpose was. Certainly not anything related to running the ship, from the look of them.

I replaced the fire extinguisher once the fire was put out, and then realized I didn't hear any noise on the helm anymore. Had the "meteor" shower stopped? I grabbed my overalls and ran out the secret hatch in the bill of the Starship's cap and up to the helm. There were Lubba and Polari clone with my cap, shirt, gloves, and boots. I looked around for my socks, then noticed them in the burned boughs of the pine tree. I walked up to Lubba and dumped my overalls on the helm, then said, "As your captain, I order you to have my clothes washed and dried by tomorrow morning." Then I walked away.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this. As always, please leave a review! Next up: the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy and an especially annoying enemy!