Chapter 15: Elliptical Blue Menaces Get on My Nerves

After leaving Blue Toad behind, I crossed a wooden bridge to another island. Despite not really seeing the point of building a bridge over at most three inches of water, I was grateful for its presence. People don't realize how many pairs of shoes I ruin in these journeys by wading through endless water in them.

Suddenly, something fell on my head, and I flopped forward, losing a wedge of health. What the flip? Was this another meteor, like the one that near-concussed me the night of the Star Festival? No indeed, it was a bird with a spike on its head. If you could even call this elliptical blue creep a bird. I sorta feel like Bowser is running out of original ideas for new minions, so now he's making these monstrosities by just cross-breeding a pair of species. Like, if I had to guess, this guy's probably a blue jay crossed with a Spike Top.

I'm sorta confused as to why I lost a wedge of health, given that, as I previously mentioned, my cap is lined with Kevlar, and getting hit by this guy hardly even hurt. But he had offended me. Well, Spiky Spikepecker, you're going down!

I tried to get a short ways away from it so I could examine it and look for a weakness – a strategy I have often used before, given that most enemies stop following me once I get a set distance away from them. But this doofus decided not to follow those rules and followed me wherever I went! Get away from me! Me moving away does not mean I want you to follow me! Eventually I stopped moving, and then Spiky Spikepecker halted overhead, flipped upside-down, and dove spike-first at me! I leapt aside, and his spike somehow became lodged in the stone ground. How hard was he falling?! Before he could free himself, I leapt on his underside and turned him into a coin.

Ahead of me was an island with a tree on it, and to the side of me was another island with some sort of strange flower on it whose top looked like a cloud. Hmm…which was to go? Wait one flippin' flyin' minute…was there a Launch Star or something on top of the tree? There was a Launch Star up there, but how was I supposed to get up there? Aha! I was supposed to climb the tree! I briefly wondered what the point of the route that started at the cloudy-flower island was, but quickly disregarded that. Maybe that was the long way to get to the Launch Star and climbing up the tree was the shortcut.

I walked over to the tree and leapt at the trunk, but slid back down it. What the-? Why couldn't I climb this thing? I leapt at the trunk again, and the same thing happened. Again. No luck. WHAT THE HECK?! And yes, people, I am fully aware of the definition of stupidity, but I didn't care. This tree would not prevail over me! I wanted a shortcut, and by George, this tree would GIVE IT TO ME!

So I spent two more minutes trying to climb the tree, and then it occurred to me that maybe there were some pegs or something on the backside of the trunk that I could swing up to get to the treetop. Behind the tree I did not find pegs, but I did find a Warp Pipe. Aha! This led atop the tree!

…Or not.

It led to a strange room that seemed to be underground and contained a '?' Coin. What the heck? This wasn't the treetop, or at least it looked nothing like any treetop I'd ever seen. In that case, we had another House-Interior-from-the-Good-Egg-Galaxy situation on our hands. I walked over to the '?' Coin and grabbed it. A square of coins appeared around me. Oh, for crying out loud, not more of these gosh dang useless coins! Seriously, I dare anyone to tell me what purpose they serve in this adventure! I would be happier if I could at least shoot them at enemies like I can with Star Bits, because I bet hitting my foes in the head with pieces of metal would hurt a heck of a lot more than hitting them with chewy chunks of stars.

However, my desire to win eventually won out over my confusion as to the point of coins, and I collected the coins in the square before they vanished. Then I collected them in a circle. And then another square with several stacked vertically in the center. When I finished, I had 65 coins and a bunch of Star Bits that appeared after I collected all the coins. So was the ultimate point of all this just to get me a bunch of Star Bits? Then why was there that stupid layover in Coinsville? Well, this was – again, excuse my French – stupid.

So I emerged back on the main planet, and sighed as I realized I would have to take the long way 'round to get to that Launch Star. Sigh. Ugh. Groan. Burp. Fart. Hack up phlegm.

Okay…now that I got that string of random noises out of my system….

I walked back towards the island with the odd flower on it, but then movement to my right caught my attention. Past the strange flower island was some sort of stone structure with metal bars lining the bottom of it, and inside it was another Spiky Spikepecker. What the heck was he doing in there, where he hardly had any room to fly around?

"Yo, help me!" the Spiky Spikepecker squawked.

I fell backwards in surprise, and said, "Why the heck would I ever help you?"

"Bowser imprisoned me down here. Let me out!"

"At risk of repeating myself, why?"

"Because I accidentally cut his tongue while he was using my spike as a toothpick. Let me out!"

"No, you idiot, not why did Bowser trap you, why should I free you?"

"Well, because Bowser hates me, and you hate Bowser, so…."

Bowser's hatred of Spiky Spikepecker and my hatred of that idiot Koopa are like a Micro Goomba compared to a Mega Goomba. "Well, one of your fellow birdbrains tried to murder me just now."

"Am I my brother's keeper?"

No longer was I gonna attempt to have a nice, fair conversation with this jerk. I flipped the bird The Bird and then walked over to the island. The flower was giving off a power-up vibe, and I reluctantly grabbed, wary to see what would happen to me once I did.

My clothes immediately became cloudy, as did my cap (yay, now my gloves and socks weren't pink anymore!) and I got a message saying that now I'm Cloud Mario (how original) and I can spin to make clouds. Huh? Why would I want to make clouds? At least no fine print was involved like there was with the Spin Drill.

Standing next to me was some strange creature I can only describe as a wooden bobblehead. It (I can't even tell what its gender is supposed to be) said, "Cloud step?"

Uh…to Toads who say illiteracy isn't a big problem currently facing us, I present this guy. I assume "cloud" references the flower, but…step? Is this Cloud Step Island, like how there was Fur Step Island at Lake Lapcat in Bowser's Fury? Cloud Step Island…strange name. Then, who am I kidding – no stranger than the semi-inaccurate "Broken Blue Bully Belt" or notoriously lame "The Great Tower of Bowser Land" from Super Mario 3D World.

I jumped into the air and spun, causing a cloud to appear…beneath me. And I could walk on it. Aha, I can make my own footing now. This just got interesting.

I hung out atop the cloud for several seconds, but then it vanished and I fell into the water…LOSING MY POWER-UP! What the flip?! Again with this trash? The info for the Spin Drill doesn't disclose that it robs me of the power to Star-Spin, and the info for the Cloud Flower doesn't disclose that I'm vulnerable to water? Clouds basically are water; this doesn't make any sense. Then again – say it with me here, folks:

NOTHING ELSE ABOUT THESE ADVENTURES EVER DOES!

Then again, the Spring Mushroom and Bee Mushroom were vulnerable to water in Super Mario Galaxy. But like I said above, clouds are basically rain, and the Bee Mushroom, in addition to the Cloud Flower, let me walk on clouds. But not in water. Yeah, that's fair.

I got another Cloud Flower and then jumped onto Spiky Spikepecker's prison. From there, another wooden bridge led to…the top of another prison that looked to be holding some sort of green Octoomba. Was he green because he was about to hurl? I didn't stick around long enough to see, partly because another Spiky Spikepecker hurtled towards my head, urging me further up the bridge. I waited for the pest to fall, then sidestepped him and jumped on him, grabbing the resulting coin.

At the top of the bridge was a welcoming party consisting of another wooden bobblehead. And instead of saying "Cloud step?" this one (just as illiterately) said, "Touch water. Lose clouds. More ahead! Keep going!"

Geesh, would it kill him to talk in a non-monotone voice? Seriously, I couldn't even tell what he meant! Was he telling me to touch water so I lose my clouds, or warning me not to touch water so I don't lose my clouds? And what was there more of ahead? Clouds? Water? God forbid these moronic bobbleheads?

I sighed and continued on, and then found myself staring down another green Octoomba. Why the heck did all the Octoombas in this galaxy need to barf? Only that wasn't the case. Nope. As I approached him, he prepared to shoot the anticipated rock at me, and I sidestepped it, thinking I was out of the danger zone. But then he spat another rock at me, and I had no time to dodge it since I had foolishly thought myself safe after missing Rock #1. I flopped backwards, losing my Cloud Flower, and falling on a rock that, for reasons unknown and unnatural, broke open to reveal a Star Bit inside.

I got up, Star-Spun the green Octoomba into a trio of Star Bits, and then grabbed a replacement Cloud Flower. Wait a second…now that I had the Cloud Flower, I had basically a straight shot from my current location to the top of the tree, where, sure enough, there was a Launch Star – wait, false alarm, a Sling Star. And it looked as though that would take me to some sort of cloud overhead. Up there, there was probably some sort of shortcut that bypassed the route I was currently on that seemed to be leading deeper into the mountains.

I always get wary of going into mountains because mountain levels, historically, have come with the risk of Spine Coasters, which in turn come with a high risk of death. Then again, Spine Coasters have never appeared in 3D games…actually, there were two in Bowser's final castle in Super Mario 3D Land, but that was hardly a Spine Coaster. It sorta looked like a skeleton cow, in fact. Come to think of it, why the heck are skeleton cows always thought of as so creepy? Seriously, Dry Bones aren't really creepy. Bone Piranha Plants aren't really creepy. Bony Beetles aren't really creepy. But suddenly someone goes and strips away a cow's skin, muscles, and internal organs, and suddenly it's considered terrifying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if there's a way to avoid going into any sort of mountains, I'll take it.

So I turned to my right and prepared to long-jump off the cliff I was on. I pushed off with my left foot and – WAUGH! I pushed off too hard and fell off the cliff towards the…sky. Falling into the sky. It's sad how many levels in my adventures could be described by that paradox. I frantically spun to make a cloud, stopping my fall. Great. Now I only had two clouds with which to reach the tree.

I long-jumped and spun. Long-jumped and spun again. I was now about one long-jump's length away from the tree, with no clouds left to save my butt if things went sideways. I would most likely fall into the water, lose my Cloud Flower, and then have to climb back up the two prisons to try this all over again.

I took my aim.

I checked it twice.

I'm gonna find out who's naughty and nice – wait, wrong song.

I long-jumped towards the tree, but, despite taking my aim and checking it twice, I fell short of the tree. NOOOO! I screamed in frustration as I started to fall. At the last second, before the tree was out of my reach, I tore off one of my gloves and dug my fingernails into a tree branch. Leaves flew everywhere, and one went down my throat because I was still screaming. My scream turned to a choke and I tried to hack up the leaf, losing more and more of my grip on the tree with each cough. By the time the leaf finally flew from my mouth, I was only hanging on by my middle finger. Ah, my favorite one.

I made the mistake of getting optimistic, because I figured I was still hanging on by just enough to haul myself back onto the tree and then get in the Sling Star. But then suddenly, an automated voice blared throughout the galaxy, declaring, "PRISONER 498163, YOUR SENTENCE IS UP! GO FREE AND SERVE LORD BOWSER ONCE MORE UNTIL THE END OF YOUR DAYS!"

Who the heck was Prisoner 498163?

Then the bars surrounding the first prison I traversed vanished, and….

You've gotta be kidding me.

Out flew Spiky Spikepecker, who immediately homed in on me. "Hi there, Mario," he said. "Now to get my revenge on you for flipping me off!"

I tried to appeal to the idiocy that Bowser's minions generally possess, "What? No, no, no. That wasn't flipping you off. That's…how we say 'hi' in the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Everyone in the universe knows that the middle finger means one thing and only one thing," Spiky Spikepecker said, hovering over me. "Oh, how convenient. And I see your middle finger is right here for the attacking." He began circling over the finger I was holding onto the tree with.

He wouldn't.

Not even a lowlife like him would stoop that low.

"Remember this next time you want to flip someone off!" Spiky Spikepecker said, and then he fell spike-first on my finger.

OWWWW!

My finger came dislodged from the tree and I fell towards the water, screaming in pain. And to add insult to injury, another leaf fell in my mouth.