A/N: This chapter contains the Deadpool/Mario crossover encounter from my other fanfic "Deadpool: Guardians of the Multiverse." If you haven't read that, Deadpool ends up in the Mario universe because his spaceship gets whacked into this universe's timeline by a giant monster called Shuma-Gorath that Deadpool was fighting outside the multiverse. Then before Mario respawns, Deadpool leaves the universe again. And yes, the Frosty the Snowman reference does refer to the actual Frosty the Snowman, not what Mario thinks it does.
I do not own Super Mario.
Chapter 17: I Am Attacked by a Samurai
Upon arriving back at Starship Mario, I saw that the Power Star I had collected was indeed a Secret Star, apparently titled "Every Planet Has Its Price." …Okay, not sure what that's supposed to mean. This planet had a price, sure, but the Starting Planet for the Fluffy Bluff didn't. A more accurate title would be "Every Hungry Luma Planet Has Its Price," but that, while more accurate, sounds even stupider.
"I see you got a Secret Star, cap'n," Lubba said. "Way to go." I don't need your approval! He continued, "So since you have seven Power Stars now, Banktoad has arrived!"
What the flip? Why is there a Banktoad on Starship Mario now? And for that matter, why did Lubba say "Banktoad" as though Banktoad is the Banktoad's name. There's dozens of Banktoads throughout the Mushroom Kingdom, working at every branch of the Mushroom Kingdom Savings Bank! I looked around and saw who I assumed was the Banktoad strolling around on the far side of the helm. "Why is he here?" I whispered to Lubba.
"Because you collected seven Power Stars," he replied.
"No, not the stupid, technical answer you're contractually bound to give, the real answer! The reason why this Banktoad decided to come to Starship Mario!"
"I don't know. Why don't you ask him?"
I walked over to Banktoad and said, "You. Why are you here?"
"The Interim Princess sent me," he said.
The – what? Since when the flip was there an "Interim Princess"? This reeked of a pathetic Bowser plot. If he couldn't cough up a believable story behind this "Interim Princess" thing, I was grabbing this fake Toad's head and pulling on it until it popped off to reveal the Goomba hiding within. "Who the heck is the 'Interim Princess'?" I demanded.
"Toadette. Or, should I say, Peachette. Remember in New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe where there was the Super Crown that turned Toadette into Peachette? Well, there's a Super Crown stashed at Peach's Castle, and since 2012, whenever Peach has gotten kidnapped, Toadette's taken over as Interim Princess."
"Uh, prior to this time, Peach hasn't been kidnapped since 2012. Remember, 2013 was that weird plot with the Sprixies, and then last year was the incident with Bowsette and then that mess up at Lake Lapcat over the summer."
"Really? Huh. I thought she had been kidnapped since then. Well, then again, most of the time I'm off on missions with the rest of the Brigade, so I sometimes get my Mushroom Kingdom goings-on mixed up. But anyway, yeah, the Interim Princess Protocol was established. It was getting too tedious to have to keep calling Daisy away from Sarasaland to temporarily take over. With the rest of the Brigade in space recently, I've been staying behind, attending to some Brigade assignments throughout the Mushroom Kingdom. But now that I'm done with them, the Interim Princess sent me to help you."
Okay, I didn't even know Daisy temporarily ruling the Mushroom Kingdom was a thing – then again, I'm always gone during the time when she would be ruling. Fine, I'll hold off on attacking this supposed Toad. I turned to head back to the helm, but then Banktoad called, "Don't you want to deposit some Star Bits in your Banktoad account? I've collected 300 for you in my travels."
Why the heck would I want to do that? It's not like doing that'll make them easier to access or anything, because then I'll have to be bothered with consulting Banktoad when I want access to them. Then again, I don't know what'll happen to my Star Bits if I get a Game Over, but maybe I won't lose them if they're with this Banktoad. "If I give you my Star Bits, will I retain them even if I get a Game Over?" I asked.
"Of course," he replied.
So I forked over the 44 Star Bits I'd gotten in the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy, and then prepared to head to the helm. But the Banktoad wasn't holding a giant sack of Star Bits or anything, he was holding…one Star Bit. I considered asking where the other 343 were, but didn't really want to risk sitting through some rambling yarn like the one Blue Toad spun about the "new" Captain Toad. So I left the issue alone for now, but if I ever come across proof that he's hidden the other 343 Star Bits where the sun don't shine, I am forgetting all about those Star Bits and never touching him again.
I headed back to the helm and steered Starship Mario to the Star Barrier between it and the castle galaxy. I took a quick look around but saw no signs of a shunpike around the Star Barrier; then again, looking back at the previous Star Barrier, I saw no signs of a shunpike either, so…either Blue Toad was full of lies, or Toads are way smarter than I give them credit for.
The Star Barrier vanished and opened the path to the castle galaxy, which was called…
…Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla.
Oh, COME ON! Why is Junior back to villainy? For crying out loud, he helped me stop Fury Bowser's rampage at Lake Lapcat! So what, now he's like, "Bah, suck it, Mario! You're still lame, and I still want to smack you silly with my paintbrush that I haven't used since Super Mario Sunshine and was just arbitrarily brought back in Bowser's Fury." This was stupid. Excuse my French.
Furthermore, what in all heck is a "flotilla"? Not that I'd ever admit to Bowser's face that he used a word I've never heard of. Well then, it's time for guessing. "Flotilla" does sort of sound like "fleet," which when paired with Bowser Jr., reminds me of his Airship Armada from my previous galactic adventure. Oh gosh, this was gonna be that dump all over again. Long have I instead referred to it as Bowser Jr.'s Great Galactic Menagerie, given the strange assortment of enemies encountered there. Octoguys. Sentry Beams. Wigglers. Mandibugs. Quadrupedal Koopas. Magikoopas. Scuttlebugs. Yep, my name for it is much better.
Against my better judgment, I flew to the galaxy. Not like I'll be able to continue without completing it, unless there's a shunpike to World 2 that circumvents this galaxy. Curse that Blue Toad; now these shunpikes are always gonna haunt me, making me wonder if I'm putting in more effort than I absolutely have to.
So I saw that the first (and, hopefully, only) mission was titled "Gobblegut's Aching Belly." Yeah, a belly probably aching for me to fall into it and get melted by its digestive juices! And who the heck is Gobblegut?! Presumably a boss Bowser Jr.'s gonna sic on me, like Megaleg and King Kaliente in my first galactic adventure. Usually analyzing boss names tells me something about them. Like how Megaleg had big legs. Bugaboom was a bug who dropped bombs that went boom. Gobblegut…he likes to eat people's guts? Oh gosh, he's gonna flippin' eviscerate me?!
When I landed in the Fiery Flotilla, I found myself in a decidedly strange location. I was on a long, wooden path that looked like it was recycled from an airship and led up to a green-and-blue castle. Inside the castle was a lava-covered planet, but oddly, no airships in sight. Maybe a flotilla has nothing to do with a fleet after all. But waiting for my arrival right in front of me were two statues of the bib-wearing idiot himself. I tried Star-Spinning into them, but did them no harm. Darn.
As I continued up a couple steps past the stupid statues, I noticed something else odd. This castle looked like it was orbiting the Mushroom Planet. I kid you not, far below us was the Mushroom Planet. How the heck was an entire galaxy, albeit a tiny one like this, orbiting one planet?!
I headed down the pathway past the stupid pair of statues, and waiting for me was a pair of Goombeetles. Ugh. Not these creeps. That name is stupid; they look nothing like beetles…or, in all honesty, Goombas. After the BOMKS decided on their name back in 2008, I actually started a petition to get their name changed to Domed Dummies. To no avail, as I trust you can infer.
These stupid things were a nuisance too because I couldn't just jump on them, or even ground-pound on them. I had to spin into them, then jump on them. So I did that, taking care of them both.
But then something strange, even by these adventures' standards, happened. A spaceship suddenly flashed into existence high above the castle. It had a long front with four wing-like structures forming an X at its rear end. What the heck was this? The thing was falling towards me…was Bowser Jr. trying to hit me with a spaceship?! This would be a new low, even for him. I ran backwards and the spaceship, which looked like it was trying to pull up at the last second, crashed into the far end of the wooden platform. Surprisingly, the wood was undamaged. Darn, airship wood is durable! I mean, seriously; it's just wood! I guarantee you even Peach's Castle wouldn't hold up this well if a spaceship hurtled into it.
Well, if Junior was trying to hit me with this ship, as it turned out, his aim was way off, even considering where I was before I backed up. "Yo, Junior!" I yelled at the universe. "That thing didn't even come close to hitting me! Your aim is terrible! Is your aim this bad when peeing too? I bet it is, and you know I'm right, you little-"
The glass covering the spaceship's cockpit folded back, revealing the ship's pilot. The thing was dressed in a red-and-black suit and mask and looked to have two swords X-ed across its back. Was it a samurai or something? "What did you say?" the thing said. Judging by the voice, it was a he.
"Alright, what the heck is your stupid name?" I asked. "'Cause I've heard quite a few recently. Frank the Flaptack. Eli the Elite Octoomba. What's yours?"
"My name's Deadpool. But feel free to also call me the Murk with a Mouth."
Murk?! …I can't even think of a clever insult here. "What sort of flippin' name is that?"
"The sort of name that's gonna kick your ass if you keep up the attitude. I've already killed Frosty the Snowman today – don't think I have any qualms about going two-for-two."
Who the flip is Frosty the Snowman? Wait a minute…was he the snowman on Cool, Cool Mountain in Super Mario 64 whose body had melted? He's one of the few creatures I've met in my adventures who hasn't pissed me off, and the only one I ever actually felt bad for! And this lunatic the Murk with a Mouth killed him! "Oh, so you think you're some sort of tough guy, do ya?" I taunted him, ready to avenge the death of the snowman apparently named Frosty. "C'mon, tough guy! Show me what you got!"
I held up my fists and assumed a boxing stance as the Murk with a Mouth got out of his spaceship. Side note, boxing is the stupidest sport ever. You're just watching a bunch of Toads punch each other and then whine about how it hurts. Poochy fighting is illegal, but somehow that nonsense isn't?
The Murk approached me and grabbed one of his swords, then flipped it around so he was holding the blade. Ha! This guy didn't even know how to properly use a sword! You stab with the blade, you moron! I ran at him and was about to taunt him on his lousy swordsmanship as I dealt him a knuckle sandwich…but then my plan went sideways.
The Murk swung his sword, and its hilt bashed me in the nuts. "OWWWWWWWW!" I screamed, leaping into the air and clutching my junk. I think that actually cost me two wedges of health! TWO! I mentally prepared the revenge I would deal The Murk for this, but then I realized that my jump of agony had launched me over the platform's guardrail. And then losing two wedges of health suddenly became the least of my problems as I hurtled through space towards the Mushroom Planet.
TOO BAD!
I respawned at the start of the airship platforms area, and quickly looked around for The Murk, but he was gone. Well, no duh. He's probably ordered to only appear once I've taken care of the stupid Goombeetles. I headed straight for the Goombeetles again, hoping to defeat them and cause The Murk to appear again, then knock him senseless for killing Frosty. But to my chagrin, The Murk didn't reappear. Dang it! How the heck would I exact my vengeance on him now and avenge Frosty's death?! Well, Junior obviously sent The Murk to murder Frosty in an instance of fridging (albeit an unorthodox one), given that Bowser already kidnapped Peach, and nobody knows my real love interest is Rosalina. So there was only one thing to do: kick Junior's butt and then demand he bring me The Murk so I can kick his butt too. Let Operation: Kill the Murk commence!