Chapter 23: My Clothes Fall Off
On the next planet was another Dash Pepper/Ghost Pepper, but first, a sign. Ugh – was this Bill Board? He was so annoying in my first galactic adventure, holding me up from getting on Starballs and doing other stuff by being like, "Hey! Stop! I'm smart! Listen to me!" Yeah, and then whatever he told me was what I was going to do in the first place, so thanks for nothing! This time he said, "To control Dash Yoshi, tilt in the direction you want to go!" Or, of course, he'll do something like this, telling me useful stuff after the first time I would need to know it. That certainly would've been useful on the first planet before Yoshi potentially ruined his chances of having Baby Yoshis at some point. And…he's called Dash Yoshi in this form? Oh-kay.
Yoshi ate the next Dash Pepper and sped up the next slope, this time completely vertical. But this time there were also barriers in our way, which made ascending the slope very difficult. Miraculously, with help from Bill Board's advice (ugh), we made it to a ledge that jutted out and had a Launch Star on it.
But wait a sec…this wasn't the top of the planet! The planet continued up to some sort of flat area quite a ways above us. I tried to have Yoshi continue up it to see what, if anything, was hiding at the planet, but NNNNOOOOPE! Yoshi took it upon himself to jump into the Launch Star and head to the next planet. Dang it, Yoshi, I wanna know what's up there! I backflipped off him just as he started flying to the next planet, and I landed near the Launch Star.
Meanwhile, Yoshi continued to the next planet, now Mario-less. Well, I hope you're happy, Yoshi! Now you've ruined my day! Actually, no, Lubba ruined by day, and you just poured salt in the Star Bit vomit-encrusted wound.
Yoshi's powers wore off as he landed on the next planet. It was hard to tell at this distance, but it seemed like he was giving the universe his "I-Need-to-Take-a-Dump-Don't-Look-at-Me" face.
I quickly switched to looking elsewhere anyway: back to the cliff before me. I could just get in the Launch Star and follow Yoshi…but I need to know what's up there! So I contemplated how I should go about ascending said cliff. There were no Dash Peppers up here, so I'd have to go back to the base of the planet to get one. That's if I would even be able to use one, given that I've never heard of Yoshi power-ups before, so I don't know if I'd be able to become Dash Mario. But either way, no way in heck was I going all the way back down there and running back up through this barricade-ridden house of horrors called a cliff. And then suffering through a nasty case of the runs tomorrow.
I looked back to see what Yoshi was doing, and…are you flippin' kidding me?! He ate another Ghost Pepper and was running down the length of the next planet! Since when can Yoshi move around without me steering him?! This is unprecedented! Great, now Yoshi was gonna get the Power Star and probably hold it ransom until I paid him some exorbitant sum of money! I almost went insane again and threw my clothes at him like I had done after Baby Luma abandoned me in the Flip-Swap Galaxy. Technically, I threw my Underpants Hat off the planet, but that was more to stop looking ridiculous than out of spite.
And meanwhile, Yoshi had gotten in the next Launch Star and was headed to the next planet. Sigh.
You know what? Forget this! You think you're gonna be so cool getting a Power Star, Yosh? Well, guess what? I'm gonna find a SECRET STAR on top of this cliff, and then we'll see who's the man!
…Of course, first I'd have to figure out how to climb the cliff. Nuts, why was this so hard? Why couldn't I just have a utility belt with a grappling hook like Battoad? Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, BATTOAD! Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, BATTOAD!
Sorry…got carried away there. Battoad is really the only Toad TV show I find entertaining.
Well, even if I didn't have a real grappling hook, I could make an impromptu one. I just needed a weighted object on one end, and a long length of thread or cable or something to attach to said weighted object. Maybe Baby Luma could be the weighted object. I could toss him up and he could bite into the top of the cliff with his teeth or something. At least I hope he has teeth. He is a baby, after all.
On the assumption that would work, I'd still need something to attach to the Baby Luma to throw him up the cliffside. I had no rope or anything on me.
Well….
There was the stitching in my clothes….
Was I seriously considering this…?
I must one-up Yoshi, and not as in the type of mushroom.
So I meticulously ripped out the stitching in all my clothes, making sure to keep all the thread intact. I started with my pajama top, then my pajama bottoms, then my socks, and, when I estimated I still didn't have enough thread, my underpants. Baby Luma screamed and slapped me for temporarily being buck necked while I did all this, but whatever.
After I finished collecting all the thread and tying it together, over three hours had passed, and I had a few hundred yards of thread. I put my clothes back on, and all of them felt very flimsy, like they were ready to come apart at a moment's notice if I so much as breathed on them wrong. "Okay, Baby Luma," I said. "I'm gonna tie this thread around your midsection…wherever that is…and throw you up the cliffside. I want you to bite into the clifftop and stay lodged in there while I climb up the thread after you. Got it?"
Baby Luma did not look like he got it, so my hopes going in were mediocre at best. Even lower than my hopes that Bowser would never try to kidnap Peach again. Then again, the fact that this nonsense has continued after my first galactic adventure is Peach's fault alone. You see, after the Lumas leapt into the supermassive black hole Bowser created and reset the universe, and we all woke up on the lawn of Peach's Castle, I (and basically everyone else in the Mushroom Kingdom) was in favor of locking up Bowser while he was concussed from falling from the heavens. But no, Peach was all like, "Bowser has the same rights as the rest of us, he should be allowed to stand on trial for his crimes, blah, blah, blah." Well, while he was held in our low-security Pre-Trial Jail, the Koopalings blew the place to smithereens and escaped with Bowser. So no doubt if Peach had locked him up in our Supermax Worst-of-the-Worst Prison from the get-go, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Super Mario 3D Land, New Super Mario Bros. 2, New Super Mario Bros. U, Super Mario 3D World, Bowser's Fury, and now this stupid adventure never would've happened.
I grabbed my end of the thread and swung it around, then launched Baby Luma up the side of the cliff. By some miracle, he latched onto the top of the cliff. I gave a slight tug on the rope, but he was holding well. I then started climbing up the cliffside, bracing myself against it as I climbed the rope. Now I felt like (da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na) BATTOAD!
Several minutes later, I reached the clifftop, and I gasped at what I found there.
PENGURU! THAT'S ALL THAT WAS THERE! Not a Secret Star, or several 1-Up Mushrooms, or even a guide on how to tolerate Lubba's stupidity. Just Penguru, who I in some ways find even more annoying than Lubba because Lubba's just a straight-up idiot who doesn't even pretend to be smart, but Penguru hides his stupidity in the candy wrapper of deep sayings that have no real meaning, if you get my analogy.
"Your skill has brought you very far…," Penguru said, obviously under the impression that I had given him permission to talk to me. "Quite a view, is it not? From here, it's clear how important every coin truly is."
What the ever-loving flip was that supposed to mean? No, coins are not important! Not unless there's a coin-hungry Hungry Luma in this galaxy somewhere, but I find it hard to believe that one would be here and not have called dibs on this spot as its hiding place. Then again, if there is a Hungry Luma in this galaxy, maybe he just didn't think to come up here. The ones who talk the most smack are really the most insecure, so maybe these Hungry Lumas are trying to compensate for a lack of intelligence every time they scream, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" in my face.
I leapt down to the Launch Star (not taking damage since this isn't Super Mario Sucks-ty-Four), and flew to the next planet. Yoshi was long gone, and in front of me were two large platforms that looked to be made of macadam, followed by more wooden platforms with a Ghost Pepper on them. I ran across the macadam, but each platform started to collapse under me as soon as I stepped on it. I ran with all my might across the platforms and just barely made it to the stable wooden ones.
In front of me was also a spot where a Yoshi egg would usually be, only there was no Yoshi egg there. Dang it! I looked at what lay ahead, and saw a larger macadam platform that there was no way in heck I could get across on my own.
Then again, there was the Ghost Pepper….
Combined with my long-jumps, it might work….
Oh, what the heck? I grabbed the pepper and shoved it in my mouth whole. As soon as I did, my insides burst into flames and I blacked out.
I woke up an unknown amount of time later, back on Starship Mario. Lubba and Yoshi were leaning over me, and the former asked, "So what happened, cap'n? Why'd you eat the Dash Pepper?"
He was obviously up to something, because last night he'd upchucked all over my room, and now he was pretending to be concerned for me? I didn't buy it.
"Yoshi jumped right into the Launch Star when I didn't want him to, so I stayed behind and climbed that cliff. Then I found that idiot Penguru at the top and tried to follow Yoshi, but as soon as I ate the Ghost Pepper, I blacked out."
"It's called a Dash Pepper," Lubba said.
"Potato, potahto."
"And Penguru's not an idiot. He's really smart. I have every single one of his meditation tapes. The first one I ever listened to gave me life wisdom I carry with me to this day."
What, to throw up all over the room of someone who supposedly offends you?
"I got you another Power Star and Comet Medal," Yoshi said. "Then several hours later, we started getting worried about you. Lubba sent me to restart the level, and I found you unconscious. Then I brought you back to Starship Mario, where Lubba pumped the Dash Pepper out of your stomach."
Beep, beep, beep. Suspicion radar is in full swing.
"Well, I bid you all good night," I said, getting up. And it was at THAT MOMENT that my unstitched clothes decided to fall off.
"AAH!" Lubba screamed. "WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? CODE STRIP! CODE STRIP! GO PUT ON SOME PANTS!" He tried covering his eyes, but his tiny arms were completely inept at it, and they didn't even make it to his cheeks. But fine, you don't need to tell me twice to get out of here.
A/N: That's all for now. Please R&R – I love getting reviews!
Next up: two very different Blue Toads, Mario gets a new spaceship, and "Twin Falls Hideaway"!