Chapter 29: Midnight at Hightail Falls
After Lubba got trapped under the bridge, I decided that, since it was getting late in the day, I'd turn in for the night and start planning my exodus in the morning. But I was smart enough to station Yoshi by the bridge overnight so that God forbid Lubba escaped, Yoshi would be right there to wrap up the Luma with his tongue.
But before going to bed, I first cleaned all of Lubba's garbage out of my room, and then spent about half an hour looking over The Complete Atlas of the Universe for any signs of the Comet Observatory. No luck to be had. Then I got sidetracked reading about the disturbing history of this planet called Pathos, and had to watch cartoons for two hours before I went to sleep.
At zero dark thirty in the morning, I was awoken by something wet on my face. I shot up in bed and grabbed the object, which turned out to be Yoshi's tongue.
"Please let me go," I think he said (it was hard to tell with me yanking on his tongue).
I released his tongue and said, "What the heck are you doing here? I thought you were a Griever for a second!"
"A what?" Yoshi asked.
"Never mind. Something I made the mistake of reading about before bed last night. But why are you in my room? You're supposed to be guarding Lubba."
"Well, see, that's the thing." Yoshi pointed to the ceiling. "Listen."
I did, and a few seconds later a loud noise reverberated through the ceiling. Accompanying it was Lubba screaming in pain.
"What the flip is going on up there?" I asked.
"If I'm not mistaken," Yoshi warbled, "he's trying to use farts to propel himself out from under the bridge. And in doing so, he riled up a hemorrhoid or two."
Everything about that sentence was ridiculous. First off, using farts to that end is physically impossible. And second, really? He gave himself a hemorrhoid from doing that? And he was still pushing? Dang, if nothing else, he was determined.
"Which brings us back to the question of why you woke me," I said.
"Well, I thought these were extenuating circumstances," Yoshi said. "And also…it was starting to stink up there."
Leave it to Yoshi to never be willing to take one for the team. But I was sort of glad that he woke me, because I couldn't afford to waste any more time sleeping. Who knew how much longer that bridge was gonna contain Lubba? Even though it was only 3:00A.M., I needed to get in position to execute my plan!
You see, while I was trying to go to sleep last night, I formulated a plan to prematurely finish my adventure. I would head to the castle up ahead on the World 2 map, trap Lubba somehow - maybe in a giant cat carrier, I don't know - and take him to the castle. Once there, I would offer up Lubba to Bowser, assuming he owned the World 2 castle, in exchange for him giving Peach to me. No doubt Bowser could find some use for Lubba, even if it was just as the guy testing his food for poison.
"Well, go back up there and keep watching him," I said. "When I get back from...whatever galaxy I'm going to now, update me on Lubba's status."
Yoshi sighed but left for the back of the ship.
After dressing in my tux, which I washed and dried last night during my cartoons marathon, I headed up to the helm. Every couple minutes, the predawn silence was interrupted by another loud fart and bout of screaming. Dude, either resign to your fate under there or try to escape. The choice is yours but STOP complaining about it when the consequences of the decision you chose to make cause you pain. None of the rest of us deserve to hear it!
I flew the Starship down the path that was opened by my completion of "Twin Falls Hideaway," which led to a Star Barrier. I mentally pled for it to require no more than 12 Power Stars; that was all I had! And I couldn't afford to waste the time to head back to the Baby Blocks Galaxy and ask Bartholomew if there was a shunpike around this Star Barrier. Lubba could take advantage of said time to further his escape efforts.
Did the universe grant my wish?
…I'll leave you to predict the answer to that.
Spoiler alert: it did not, as the greedy Star Barrier was demanding 16 POWER STARS! Are you flipping kidding me?! I'd have to get four more before Lubba escaped? This was gonna be impossible! Where was I supposed to get four more Power Stars?! Well, technically, there were quite a few places I could go, but none of them were appealing!
"Hey, Mario," Banktoad suddenly said. "I'm glad you're back. Lubba was becoming a bit of a dictator while you were gone. But where'd the rest of the Toad Brigade go?"
"They're stuck in World 1," I said.
"Can we go rescue them?"
"No, because I currently have more pressing matters! Like figuring out how to collect four more Power Stars before Lubba frees himself from being stuck under the bridge like the troll he is!"
"Well then after that will you go back and rescue the Toad Brigade? What even happened to them?"
"First, probably not, because once I swap Lubba for Peach as Bowser's prisoner, I'm heading back to the Mushroom Kingdom. But once I do, feel free to take over this ship that looks nothing at all like me and go save them yourself. And second, the Starshroom fell through a shunpike near the Cosmic Cove Galaxy and crashed into the Baby Blocks Galaxy."
"The…what?"
"The place everyone else calls the Rightside Down Galaxy. Wait a second, do you happen to know of a shunpike around this Star Barrier?"
"Sadly, no. This is the only one we know of that doesn't have a shunpike around it, as fate would have it. Technically, there might be more shunpike-less Star Barriers after this, since, on account of this Star Barrier's shunpike-less-ness, we've never made it past this Star Barrier."
Of course this Star Barrier didn't have a shunpike around it. Why would it have a shunpike around it? That would be too easy, I suppose! So no, instead now I was stuck trying to decide where to go for my first of four Power Stars. I could now feed the World 2 Hungry Luma with Banktoad's help…nope. I was a man of my word, and I had yet to find evidence that it was safe to withdraw Star Bits from my account. Besides, I had no patience for the possibility that this Hungry Luma would be another lazy, crass, bath-salt-loving weirdo like his World 1 counterpart.
I could head back to the Hightail Falls Galaxy and try that Secret Star again. I really didn't want to put up with those blue toads again, but I didn't really have any better alternatives.
Hightail Falls it was.
So I headed to the Hightail Falls Galaxy, and was completely unprepared when I landed on the starting planet. Why? Oh yeah, because the entire galaxy was dark. Never before had I gone on an adventure at night, except in some 2D adventures where the Mushroom Planet's moon was shining in the sky. But no, this was completely dark. I looked around, and the only sources of light were stars in the sky and the glowing Ghost Peppers scattered throughout the galaxy. This had the feel of a horror movie. Oh man, and WHY did I have to come here at night not even eight hours after reading about the horrors of Pathos? This was freaking me out.
No, Mario! Don't think about Pathos! Think about how much you need this Power Star to get rid of Lubba. Yes, your hatred of Lubba is greater than your fear of scary planets.
I felt my way over to the rope bridge leading to the next area. I was about to get off the far side when something flew into me. I screamed louder than I'd ever screamed before and blindly swatted at whatever had flown into me. A pair of wings flew off it and into my face. Ugh; it was the flippin' Paragoomba that patrolled the end of the rope bridge. Knowing the vermin would be about to run into me, I Star-Spun where I figured he was. I heard a satisfying "SHPOW!" and then the sound of the Goomba flying through one of the ropes holding up the bridge. Done and done.
Feeling my way forward once more, I made it to the Yoshi egg I knew was up ahead, and spun into it. Yoshi emerged and said, "Oh. Mario. You're back here again, I see."
"Yes," I said. "Now we're gonna go back to that Hungry Luma planet and beat the snot out of those blue toads if that's what it takes to get the Silver Stars they have."
"…You scare me sometimes."
I leapt on Yoshi's back. "Okay, I've gotta remember what's coming up ahead so I don't steer us off the edge of the planet."
"No need. I have good night vision."
What?! Yoshis have good night vision? Since when? I was never told of this!
"Okay, fine, what's up ahead?" I asked.
"A slope with a Paragoomba and one of those bobblehead things on it, and another Dash Pepper partway up with another bobblehead next to it," he warbled.
Okay, I guess he does have good night vision; I could only see the glowing pepper. And HA! I'm not the only one who sees that those things look exactly like bobbleheads!
"Go forth, Yoshi," I said. "Lead us through this madness."
We got in a Launch Star off that planet and then ran up the side of the next one, getting in the Launch Star instead of heading all the way to the top to see that crackpot Penguru. He probably wasn't even awake; then again, like Toadini sings, "The Freaks Come Out at Night." Then again encore, Lubba's awake (if ridiculously sleepy) during the day, so….
The next planet, I remembered, was the one with the falling blocks. Yoshi made his way over a long string of them, finally taking us to another Launch Star.
The planet after that was better lit, albeit for a completely absurd reason. From the last time Yoshi and I were there, I remembered that the next vertical section had bars sticking horizontally from them that were a pain in the ass to dodge at the high speeds Yoshi was running at. Turns out they were not just bars, but lampposts. They were helpful in the sense that I could see where we were going, but…really? Lampposts? And if they were here, why not throughout the rest of the galaxy too? I mean, seriously.
After dodging several of the lampposts, we made it across another rope bridge, and there was the pink Launch Star waiting for us. Yoshi ran into it, and we flew to the Planet of the Toads. As soon as we landed, the sky once again turned pink, even though it was still obviously the dead of night, so I have no idea what the heck was up with that. Did this planet exist in its own pocket universe or something? Maybe. Maybe when I looked at the planet from near the Launch Star that led to it, I was actually looking through a wormhole into the pocket universe that magnified whatever was inside it. So this planet was actually tiny, and somehow traveling through the wormhole made me and Yoshi tiny too. It's sad that these adventures make absurd explanations like that actually sound borderline plausible.
I hadn't dared to get my hopes up that the blue toads would be asleep. And it was a good thing too, because, as expected, they weren't. All of them were still very much awake, galivanting around the planet with Silver Stars and other paraphernalia in tow.
It was battle time.
One ran out of the planet's equatorial ditch, and I said, "Yoshi, grab it!" Yoshi shot his tongue at the blue toad, grabbing it and freeing its imprisoned Silver Star. I've just been using the term "blue toad" colloquially for these things, but I've gotta come up with a better name, one worthy of capitalization. How about…Webbed Weirdos?
Going once….
Going twice….
Sold! Sold on the name, that is.
One Silver Star down, four to go. I spied two more Webbed Weirdos with Silver Stars running around nearby and steered Yoshi towards them. Yoshi ate one of them and I grabbed the Silver Star, but before we could take care of the second, a coin-holding Webbed Weirdo rear-ended Yoshi. Come on! I flopped forward onto the ground as Yoshi started doing his mindless-running-around gig. The Webbed Weirdo guilty of that little fender bender SNICKERED, then turned and ran the other way. First you commit the crime, then you flee the scene of it? You flippin' coward!
I leapt back on Yoshi and said, "Get that one that attacked us!"
"But he doesn't have a Silver Star," Yoshi said.
Did I ask him to backtalk me? Did I, cuz I don't think I did. "I don't care! He wronged us and he has to pay!"
"Mario, why are you so revenge-oriented? You know, you were nothing like this as a baby."
First off, no baby is! And second, you weren't even the Yoshi who watched over me as a baby! Remember all the evidence I laid out proving that? I wasn't even gonna bother arguing with him over it, though, because no doubt he's be like, "Of course I watched over you, Mario!" and then lay out a bunch of facts about what happened in Super Mario World 2 and act like that's proof he was there, even though it's not because my entire life story is known to everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom.
"Just get him," I said.
Yoshi took off after the guilty Webbed Weirdo, and a few seconds later had eaten him. Another one with a Silver Star was approaching us, so we took care of that one too. Only two left to find.
Long story short, finding them was pretty easy. After we did, the five Silver Stars united to form a Power Star that settled above the equatorial ditch. Yoshi and I ran towards it and grabbed it, completing this accursed mission.
A/N: That's all for now. Please R&R!
Next up: cursing(?) rodents and "Fluzzard's First Flight"!