Chapter 31: The Birds

When I returned to Starship Mario, the World 2 sun was up and it was 6:26A.M. 6:26?! So it does take time for me to regenerate; not half an hour, by any means, seeing as how I lost 10 lives on that godforsaken planet, but time nonetheless! And I just happened to be in the one galaxy where, even if I wasn't on the Hungry Luma, planet, I'd have had no way of knowing it was daytime. Go figure.

Lubba was still farting up a storm, so at least he wasn't free, but he'd been at it for hours now. I still severely doubted fart propulsion would prove useful to him, but I was starting to get worried anyway.

"Yoshi, any updates?" I called.

"He's still lodged under here," Yoshi replied. "But some of his farts have taken on a…messy quality."

YUCK! I DID NOT BOIYOINGING NEED TO KNOW THAT!

"Keep an eye on him!" I said again, then turned to head back to the helm and-

What?

There was another Toad next to the helm now. Wait a minute, he had Mailtoad's mail pouch slung over his shoulder. Was he Mailtoad? Why wasn't he here with the rest of the Toad Brigade from the beginning?!

"Uh, what are you doing?" I asked him.

"Oh, Interim Princess Peachette sent me," he said. "I had to stay behind while the rest of the Toad Brigade headed into space, because I was filling in for one of the Mushroom Kingdom's other Mailtoads, who was out sick with a fungal infection."

That's ironic.

"But now he's all better, so the Interim Princess sent me to help you," Mailtoad continued. "I actually got here just before you returned to the ship last time, but you were too busy yelling at Yoshi to notice me."

I wasn't yelling at him; I was CALLING TO HIM!

"Oh, and the Interim Princess gave me a message to deliver to you." Mailtoad pulled a letter from his pouch.

"Gee, thanks," I said. I grabbed it and...ugh. I didn't have time to waste on this nonsense, but I feared if I didn't read the letter now, Mailtoad would keep hounding me about if I'd read the letter yet. He did that once in my first galactic adventure when I got my first letter from Luigi. Granted, it turned out to be important, telling me that he was stuck in the Good Egg Galaxy (dude, you're not that high up; just jump off the roof like I would). In my defense, I'd gotten letters from Luigi on prior adventures, and they were always something along the lines of, "Hey Mario, where's the socket wrench? I need it for a plumbing job." Get up and look around the house yourself! If it's missing, it's probably your fault, since I always put things back where they belong!

So I reluctantly read the letter, and it was even stupider than I'd expected:

Mario,

Good luck rescuing the Princess!

-Interim Princess Toadette

No 1-Up Mushrooms, no locations of Star Barrier shunpikes, just that one sentence. What a waste of the two seconds it took to read that.

"So? What did it say?" Mailtoad eagerly asked.

I tossed the letter towards him. "See for yourself. Do with that what you wish when you're done."

I headed back to the helm and surveyed my options again. Well, now that the sun was up, I was fine going to any other galaxy in World 2. In World 1 it was only 5:30, so those galaxies were still in darkness, and thus ruled out of the competition. Maybe I'd try the Wild Glide Galaxy. I've been wary of jungles ever since Soda Jungle in New Super Mario Bros. U, but maybe just maybe this one would be different.

I looked at the only mission in the galaxy, and saw that it was titled "Fluzzard's First Flight."

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Another boss, evidently, and apparently a flying one, no less. If "Fluzzard" is a giant Spiky Spikepecker….

This wasn't gonna end well, I just knew it.

Still, not wanting to waste more time, I flew to the galaxy, and landed on a wooden platform in the middle of a large jungle planet with a river running through it. On the far end of the platform were three birds: two small, orange ones, and one large, mostly magenta one.

The orange bird at the center of the platform pointed to the magenta bird and said, "Fluzzard! Fluzzard! He can't fly so well, and he's shy! So shy! But he seems OK with you! Maybe he'll even carry you and glide! C'mon! C'mon! I'll teach you to glide! Will you fly with Fluzzard?!" Two buttons saying "Let's glide" and "No thanks" appeared before me.

Once again, I've got a few complaints.

First, okay, I guess Fluzzard isn't a boss, but it's looking like he's something worse: a creature I have to ride to complete the level.

Second, that bird took way too long to say, "Here's Fluzzard, this shy bird who can't fly well but seems to like you. C'mon, I'll teach you to glide with him!" Mostly due to the strange repetition of EVERY OTHER WORD HE SAID!

Third, here we go again, I'm probably gonna get the Power Star for this level from another A-minor character once I glide on Fluzzard instead of them just giving it to me now.

Fourth, why do I have to get the shy bird who can't fly well instead of a robust one who has no trouble flying?

And fifth, am I flying or gliding? Because first the orange bird said Fluzzard can't fly well and I'd instead be gliding, but then he was like, "C'mon, fly with Fluzzard!" And the mission title was "Fluzzard's First Flight," so…?

I still wasn't sure about this because I despise these "ride-on-a-creature" levels. Come on, if I have to fly or glide, just give me a Wing Cap or a Cape Feather or a Red Star or some other power-up to let me fly. Power-ups are always better than other creatures!

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying power-ups are the answer to everything either; some of them have just been completely stupid or detrimental. Like the Bunny Suit, which several years back I officially retired from my list of power-ups I actively use, because every time I put one on, all the cats in the Mushroom Kingdom decided to come after me. And then once the Cat Suit was introduced, it was even worse, because then every Poochy under the sun tried to chase me down.

I really didn't want to ride on Fluzzard, but I needed this Power Star. I reluctantly selected "Let's glide," and the bird responded, "Glide! We glide!"

Suddenly, I was teleported far above the jungle planet, along with…one of the orange birds, and was hanging onto Fluzzard by his legs. Oh come on, I didn't even get to ride on his back or something? He was more than large enough to accommodate me atop him, and besides, down here he might take a dump right on my head! Dump? Whiz? I can never remember which one it is that birds technically do.

"OK! OK! Here's how you glide!" the orange bird instructed. "Hold the Wii Remote level! Keep it flat. Flat!"

Oh God, not this garbage again.

For both ray surfing and Star Ball riding in my first galactic adventure, I was given a nonsensical set of instructions involving operating some strange device called a "Wii Remote," which was sometimes idiotically shortened to "Wiimote." But I eventually discovered that there were certain things I could do to correspond to the "Wii Remote" instructions, even though they were almost always different. So, for "holding the Wii Remote level," I had to just stand (or here, hang) upright, not leaning or anything. Fluzzard angled down a bit but not steeply.

The orange bird continued, "Yeah! Yeah! That's like starting position! To turn left from the starting position, just tilt the Wii Remote to the left! Tilt!"

In other words, I had to lean my top half left (probably the action that lines up best with the Wii Remote command).

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Turn, turn, turn!" the bird said. Dude, there's no need to tell me everything two or three times! "Next! Gently point the Wii Remote down to do a nosedive! Gently!"

Which meant I had to rock back and forth and clench my butt cheeks for some reason.

"And to slow down, point the Wii Remote up! Up!" the bird said.

Which meant rock back and forth while puffing out my chest and taking deep breaths.

The bird finished, "If you glide through the big sun circle at the end of the forest, you win! Win! But it won't be easy!"

No doubt "win" means "win the Power Star that this bird won't just give to me." And also, turning right specifically wasn't mentioned. Assuming it followed the same pattern as ray surfing and Star Ball riding, turning right involved leaning to the right and flexing my biceps.

I ended up back on the platform in the forest, and a timer counted down from three. Once it reached zero, Fluzzard and I lifted off the platform and started through the jungle.

Ahead of us was a strange arch sitting on the ground, and then a cave leading through a bunch of trees. What the flip was the arch supposed to do?! It didn't lead anywhere, and the last thing I needed was to get too close to the ground and have Fluzzard crash, break his wings, and leave me stranded down there.

I flew down and towards the cave beyond the gate, but then Fluzzard started listing to the left. No, stay straight, you stupid bird, straight! I tried leaning back to the right, but this turned us too far to the right and we crashed into the side of the cave, then fell in the stream.

GAME OVER!

A/N: Hope you enjoyed these chapters! As usual, please R&R!

Next up: Mario is imprisoned (sort of), "Spiny Control," and an old boss returns (possibly)!