Chapter 33: The Defector

First things first: the second mission in the Yoshi Star Galaxy was apparently titled "Spiny Control." What the heck was that supposed to mean? Is it supposed to be a pun on something, because if so, I can't figure out what. So something's being controlled, and said control of it is…spiny? How can an abstract noun like "control" be described with a physical adjective like "spiny"? It makes no sense!

So once again I found myself hurtling towards the Boneyard, as I call it, and…what the heck? There was no lava covering the planet! Everything was as green and fertile as it was last time. The volcano was still there, brooding in the background, but the rest of the planet was okay. How did that happen? I literally saw the volcano erupt last time; whatever happened to that?

But as I started to navigate the planet again, I saw something looking right at me from further ahead: a Spiny.

If there's anything worse than a Thwomp, it's a Whomp. If there's anything worse than a Whomp, it's a Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Chomp, it's a Chain Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Chain Chomp, it's a Flame Chomp. If there's anything worse than a Flame Chomp, it's Chibi Wanwan. If there's anything worse than Chibi Wanwan, it's a Wiggler. And finally, the holiest grail of all "worse than" statements, if there's anything worse than a Wiggler, it's a SPINY!

I was paralyzed by my fear. The Spiny saw me and rushed towards me. I couldn't move. Move, you stupid limbs, MOVE!

Did my limbs listen?

NOOOOOOOOPE!

Instead, the Spiny ran right into me, knocking me off the Starting Planet.

TOO BAD!

Well, that went less than well. I've always been scared of Spinies for some reason, and every time I see them after a long absence, there's always an adjustment curve where I'm frozen with fear for a few seconds before I can move again. Granted, usually I have more time to get over said fear because the Spinies don't home in on me, but that's the way it works in my 3D adventures.

But why is it Spinies that bother me? I mean, Spike Tops are way scarier, with their demonic eyes, and they don't have this effect on me! Is it the sheer number of spikes on the Spinies? But no, they don't have any more spikes than someone like Bowser, and he doesn't scare me.

Well…I mean…Fury Bowser…you know what, that's no one else's business!

I reappeared on the Starting Planet, and the Spiny immediately saw me again. But this time, my fear had worn off, and I took off running. I dashed right past him and ran further up the planet. Out of the way, Piranha Plant! Mario coming through here!

Upon reaching the crest of the hill I was climbing, I found two Thorny Flowers (which don't bloom at all, so I have no idea why the BOMKS designated them flowers), a Yoshi egg, and Bill Board. Just for the heck of it, I decided to see what useless information Bill had to dispense this time around.

I walked up to the board, whose message to me now was, "Hop on Yoshi just by spinning. You don't even have to jump!"

…When did Bill Board take up being useful? I never knew that before! Screw you for being smarter than me, Bill!

But how exactly would this work? I sure as heck hoped Yoshi wouldn't be vital to completing this mission; the egg here was obviously empty, seeing as how Yoshi was helping fight Lubba back on Starship Mario.

I ran down the hill I had climbed. Up ahead was another Bill Board, another Spiny, and….

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

A LAKITU!

Bowser's dumbest minions. They always greet me by saying, "Oi, oi, oi! I'm Lakitu!" in a dumb-sounding voice, because apparently Lakitu is both the name of the species and each individual. Then, while pelting me with Spinies, they start rambling on about all the boring details of their lives, and will occasionally mention that they beat their old record for time elapsed without soiling their cloud. BFD! I don't care to know that!

The Lakitu and Spiny both saw me and started zeroing in on me. I ignored Bill Board because there were clearly more pressing matters to attend to than seeing what other pearl of supposed wisdom Bill would dispense today.

I ran past both enemies and backflipped up the cliff ahead of me, since for some reason there was no springboard there now. Bowser obviously took it away, thinking that would hinder me. Just more proof that he's stupid, because I could've not just backflipped, but also triple-jumped or even wall-jumped and then Star-Spun to get up there. Or, if Yoshi was really there, flutter-jumped on him.

The top of the planet looked basically the same as last time, but infested with Spinies and Lakitus. Now I got why the level was titled "Spiny Control"! All things considered, it was still a pretty stupid name, though. How about…"Things Are About to Get Spiny"?

Up ahead was another useless Yoshi egg. Nearby was the stone platform the Yoshi egg was on last time around. The platform was no longer under a forcefield, and Kamek was nowhere to be seen, but a cage was over the platform instead. Once again, it was surrounded by Luma poop/Banzai Bill vomit/Yoshi poop. Some things never change, I guess. Although, given Lakitus' abnormally frequent bowel movements, I suppose it's also possible that their clouds started…leaking and forming these puddles.

Yuck.

It seemed that all that was in the cage was some Star Bits, so I continued on. Nearby was a teleporter that I, as usual, ignored, given its status as "pointless."

Ahead of me was a Launch Star, only it was trapped in a cage like the one the Star Bits were trapped in before. Great, what have I been able to use to break open those cages before?

There's Bullet Bills.

There's Bob-Ombs.

There's….

…more Bullet Bills and Bob-Ombs?

Gosh flippity dang it, the only things I've ever used to blow these things open are Bullet Bills and Bob-Ombs. Well, neither of them was here, so…anyone got some hints?

A nearby Luma seemed to read my mind, albeit not too helpfully. "Even Yoshi can't eat one of those pointy things…," the Luma squealed. "Can he?"

Well, he could in Super Mario World, but a) that was, in all likelihood, a different Yoshi; and b)…. "That won't help me much, now will it, on account of how Yoshi isn't here!" I snapped.

"Well, just hatch one of the Yoshi eggs here and he'll pop out. It's common knowledge, really."

"But Yoshi's back on – you know what, I am going to hatch one of these Yoshi eggs, and YOU WILL SEE that there is no Yoshi inside because Yoshi is back on Starship Mario!"

But before I could hatch myself an egg full of air, another Lakitu saw me and started floating over. He inevitable gave a stupid chuckle and then said, "Oi, oi, oi! I'm Lakitu! And I just have to tell you that-"

I plugged my ears, expecting him to rattle on when he last pooped his cloud.

But before I could do so, he whispered, "-I'm defecting from the Koopa Troop. Would you please help me get out of here?"

Are you effing kidding me? Now of all days and Lakitu of all minions? Why couldn't the defector be someone cool who I've secretly always wanted to work with, like Petey Piranha? I sit back, he yells, "SHINY PETEY TIME!" and tears his way through the Koopa Troop, and then we continue on.

Although, Lakitu does have an infinite arsenal of Spinies that he could throw at anyone who gets in my way, so….

First things first, I wanted to make sure he was a legit defector and not a phony like the trio of Goombas I previously mentioned who came up with absurd reasons for why they defected.

"Why are you defecting?" I whispered, so the loyal minions wouldn't hear in case Lakitu was telling the truth.

"Because I realized that Bowser is evil," Lakitu whispered. "He's mean to his minions all the time, and he keeps kidnapping Peach for no reason. I will not be a part of that any longer."

"…Alright, fine. Join me if you want." I didn't mention that I highly doubted he'd ever make it out of this place for real; I mean, Yoshi didn't return to Starship Mario with me or anything. His egg somehow teleported there, but Yoshi himself did not. But if Lakitu did somehow make it back to Starship Mario, then, bonus, if Lubba wasn't enough of an incentive for Bowser to hand over Peach, I could increase my offer to Lubba and a defecting Lakitu.

"I won't let you down, Marty."

"What the hell did you just call me?"

"Marty. That's your name."

Who the heck did he think he was, telling me what my name was – rather, wasn't. "My name is not Marty; my name is Mario."

"Oh, oh, right, you're Mario. I always get you two confused. Marty is this Green Thwomp that Bowser imprisoned in his Supermax Penal Facility a while back for beating him up. Hey, once you rescue Peach, we should rescue Marty."

Since when the heck does Bowser have a Supermax Penal Facility? Isn't that basically his dungeon? Whatever, who cares? Certainly not me.

"Alright, Lakitu, let's go," I said.

A/N: For those of you who haven't read it, the mentions of Marty at the end of this chapter reference my one-shot story "The Last Will and Testament of Marfy, Last of the Green Thwomps." If you haven't read it, I recommend it; it's pretty short, and the end of this chapter will probably be funnier after reading it.