Chapter 36: Shoe Thievery

I grabbed the steering wheel and flew it over to the Star Barrier blocking the Bowser galaxy. The barrier glowed before opening a path to the galaxy. I steered Starship Mario to the galaxy and saw that it was titled "Bowser's Lava Lair."

What the flip?! What sort of lame-ass, redundant, uninventive name was "Bowser's Lava Lair"? All of Bowser's lairs – barring "Bowser in the Dark World" and "Bowser in the Sky" from Super Mario 64, and Bowser's Dark Matter Plant from my first galactic adventure – involve lava! This level name made it seem as though Bowser having a lava-themed lair was something new, somehow worthy of everyone's attention. Well it wasn't!

And then, when I saw what the galaxy's mission was titled, things went from dumb to stupid. It was titled "Bowser's Big Lava Power Party." Well, once again, it seemed the universe was trying to hit me over the head with the lava theme for some reason. But…"party"? Okay, this was new. Was Bowser having a birthday party or something? He did mention when he kidnapped Peach that his 275th birthday was coming up…. Oh gosh, and what sort of unsavory entertainment was he going to have at said party? Me as a pinata? Pin the Knife in the Plumber?

…Would I rather just avoid this galaxy entirely and deal with Lubba's passive-aggressive wrath?

The sounds of the fighting belowdecks were getting closer; I'd have to make a decision fast. Ah, what the heck, Bowser it was. This was the first Bowser galaxy in the adventure; it might be easy. Then again, after that nonsense with The Murk in Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla, who knew what I'd run into here.

Ooh, new thought: Lubba, the rebellious Lumas, and Star Bunny, in exchange for Peach and The Murk. Ha! Even better plan.

So I headed to the galaxy, and as usual, some sort of lame Bowser-y music was playing. The level, at a glance, didn't really look much different than any other Bowser galaxy, and it didn't look like there was any sort of party in progress, so…? Was it a surprise party? As in a nasty surprise for me?

The starting planet was a stone pathway with a green carpet down the center, and a Luma floating off to the side. Oh great, had the ones on Starship Mario contacted him and told him to apprehend me?

Apparently not, because the Luma called to me, "I sense a Grand Star ahead. The way is dangerous, though. Be careful!"

Yeah, no kidding. About 90% of the ground I could see looked to be made of lava. Up ahead were two planets that looked like big, lava-filled AA batteries drifting through space, followed by a couple giant planets with lava all over them.

I ran past the Luma, but as soon as I did, who appeared in front of me but Kamek. Not Kamek! He swirled his scepter around to blast me with…something, but before he could, I Star-Spun him into a coin. And as soon as he vanished, a Pull Star appeared at the center of a ring of fireballs between the planet I was on and the first battery planet.

But…not a Pull Star! Oh man, I always hate using Pull Stars. The noise they make when I use them…that "wowwwwwwww…." Shudder; it sounds like I'm hurting the Pull Star! I don't want to hurt it! At the same time, there's never been any way to progress without using Pull Stars in places where they've appeared, and this situation, frankly, didn't look any different.

I caught myself in the Pull Star's gravity and let it launch me towards the first Lava Battery Planet. Ugh, that noise! It's bone-chilling!

After landing on the next planet, I crossed its lava section on some floating slabs of wood that defied common sense by not being burned to a crisp by the lava. On the far end of the planet were a springboard and a Luma. The Luma proudly declared, "I found a springboard for you! Ground-pound it to bounce high!"

Okay, if that's true, then it means that Bowser finally got smart and made a level I physically could not get through, because without the springboard there, I would've been screwed. But what did the Luma mean when he said he "found a springboard"? What, he was dumpster diving, came across a springboard, and was like, "Hmm, I know just where to put this: Bowser's Lava Lair!"?

I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying it's highly unlikely.

The next Lava Battery Planet was really no different: more fireproof wood, more lava, but a Life Mushroom and a 1-Up Mushroom too, so that was good. The far end of that planet had a Launch Star trapped in a crystal, so I Star-Spun the crystal and then hopped in the Launch Star.

After shooting in an arc to the side, I approached the next planet, the first of the giant lava ones. Well, from here I could see it better, at least. It looked like there was part of a ruined castle or something sitting atop the lava in the first section, followed by a sharp drop-off and a couple of….

Are you kidding me?!

WHOMPS?!

No, no, no, not Whomps, not now! Whyyyyyy?!

A few weeks before Peach was kidnapped, the Mushroom Kingdom Herald reported that, apparently, there'd been a recent outbreak of Weasles in Whomps. Now, Weasles is harmless to Whomps and – go figure – Koopas, but is highly contagious amongst Toads and humans. The disease is by no means severe, in a manner of speaking, and it runs its course in about a week. But for that entire week, you're suddenly transformed into a gigantic weasel. I couldn't afford to rescue Peach looking like a filthy weasel! And there's no way to make getting turned into a weasel seem heroic. Getting slashed across the face with a samurai sword…yeah. But being a weasel…nope.

Well, I would just have to avoid those Whomps at all costs.

I landed on a stone pathway over the lava, and ahead of me were several stupid or ridiculous things. One at a time, Mario, one at a time.

First, four things were floating on the lava. They looked like stone tiles, but with spiked green borders, as well as faces atop them. And every few seconds, they switched from a calm face to an angry face and flipped over. It looked like I would have to use them as platforms, but be wary of their flipping as well. Hmm…what to call them…. They kinda looked like they belonged somewhere in the Thwomp family, so…Flip Thwomps? Flomps? Flomps it was!

And second, off to the side of the Flomps was an island with several of the members of that gosh dang ever-loving gang of Toad Brigade doppelgängers!

"I'm scared…," one of them said. The Toad was pink, but didn't have Mailtoad's mail pouch, so I'm not sure who the heck that was supposed to be. Either Bowser had bad intel about the Brigade's members, or that one was supposed to be Mailtoad, and Bowser was just getting sloppy with his costumes.

"Mario! We found a coin for you!" Not-Bartholomew called. Oh, sure, as if I was going to go over there just for one lousy, flipping coin. Try harder!

"We're pulling for you!" Not-Blue said. Pretty sure that meant they were planning to string me up on The Rack and pull my limbs off.

"I wanna go home…," Not-Daniel whimpered. Well, that Goomba sure did a good impression of Daniel.

Granted, I had no proof that this wasn't the real Toad Brigade, since I had no idea if they'd managed to escape the Baby Blocks Galaxy or not. But…actually, no, they couldn't have gotten here before me, since Banktoad said there was no shunpike around the Star Barrier that led to Bowser's Lava Lair. So they were phonies.

But the next problem was how to get past the Flomps. Three of the Flomps made a straight line across the section of lava to another platform, where a Hammer Bro. (ugh) was waiting for me, and a fourth one off to the side was tempting me with a 1-Up Mushroom. No, I got the one from the second Lava Battery Planet; I didn't need another one. I waited for the first Flomp to flip, the leapt on it. From there I jumped to the second one. But as I jumped to the third one, a fireball leapt from the lava right under me, burning my butt.

"OWWWOO!" I yelped, clutching my rear end. "Aiyeeaiyeeaiyeeaiagh!"

I landed on the third Flomp, but my timing had been screwed up by the fireball, and I landed just as the Flomp was flipping. No, come on! I was catapulted to the side, once again burning my butt and once again screaming that deranged scream.

I managed to steer myself onto the circular platform with the Hammer Bro. on it. I can't stand these guys, or any of the family of "Bro." Koopas. Hammer Bros. Sledge Bros. Boomerang Bros. Sumo Bros. Fire Bros. Ice Bros. All of them are lame. Hammer, Boomerang, Fire, and Ice all think they're so cool (coupled with Ice Bros. actually telling me a handful of times to "Chill out, man!" or "Take a chill pill, bro!" or the universally hated "Chillax, dude!"). Sledge Bros. act all pompous just because they have sledgehammers as opposed to regular hammers. And Sumo Bros. always claim that stomping the ground constitutes a "martial art" (it does not).

The Hammer Bro. chucked a pair of hammers at me before jumping to another section of the platform. I dodged another hammer attack and Star-Spun into the Hammer Bro. But that wasn't enough to defeat him, and it merely flipped him on his back. What, did they level up and get a durability boost or something? I jumped on the Hammer Bro., and he vanished – strangely, no coins or Star Bits were left behind. Instead, a Sling Star appeared in the center of the platform. I ran over to it, topped in, and was catapulted past a bunch of Star Bits to a higher stone platform nearby.

Atop the platform was a set of firebars, with a '?' Coin atop the cylinder the firebars were spinning around. Let's see…when have '?' Coins ever done anything useful? Well, they made the coins appear on that cloud in the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy, but unless the universe feels like undermining the central tenet of all of creation ("Hungry Lumas shalt not be found in a galaxy that belongeth to Bowser or Bowser Jr."), I didn't see how that had much relevance there. So I leapt over the firebars.

Sticking out from the far end of the stone platform was a wooden platform with a ground-pound switch on it. Looking down, I saw that the wooden platform was above the large drop-off I had seen while approaching the planet, so ground-pounding the switch would probably send the wooden platform careening into the lava below. I ground-pounded on the switch, and my prediction came true.

Ahead of me now was a stone platform patrolled by a pair of Dry Bones, and then three more Flomps, this time moving side-to-side. And then beyond them were those Weasles-infested Whomps. Actually, I should probably watch now to see where they walk. That way, once I made it past the ground the Whomps had walked on, I would ditch my boots, and thus any Weasles that the bottoms of my boots had picked up from walking on the same ground as the Whomps. It seemed like the walking slabs of rock only patrolled an L-shaped section of ground between the Flomps and some strange section of stone and dirt with a glowing yellow orb hovering above it. And…wait a minute! And…double wait a minute!

First "wait a minute!": I wasn't wearing boots! My brain is just used to thinking in terms of boots, but I was actually wearing my tux shoes! No, no, no, this couldn't be happening! I was going to have to ditch my tux shoes?! And then what the flip would I wear around? My socks alone would provide no protection against the harsh terrains I encounter on my travels!

Second "wait a minute!": above the second Whomp was another gosh dang STAR COIN! From the looks of it, I was probably expected to wall-jump off the Whomp, then Star-Spin to get the Star Coin. But seeing as how I needed my hands to wall-jump and didn't particularly feel like ripping the skin off one of my hands after touching the Whomp, I wasn't even bothering with the Star Coin this time.

But back to what to do with my shoes – OW!

One of the stupid Dry Bones ran right into me and then chuckled. I Star-Spun both of them into two piles of bones, and then got an idea.

The Dry Bones were wearing boots, after all….

I took off my tux shoes and stuffed them in my pants pockets, then grabbed a pair of boots from the pile of Dry Bones remains. I put on the boots, faintly hoping that the boots wouldn't get suctioned back to the Dry Bones when they reassembled.

I then timed my jump onto the first Flomp. Ignoring the '?' block floating above the Flomp, I leapt to the next one. I've never gotten what purpose '?' blocks serve in my galactic adventures. I mean, in my 2D adventures and even non-galactic 3D ones, they're basically the only way to get power-ups, but in galactic adventures, they never contain power-ups. It's always just coins or Star Bits, which gets old pretty quickly.

I dared a quick look behind me, hoping it wouldn't mess up my timing with the Flomps. The Dry Bones had already re-formed, one of them tottering around on its arms and a pair of leg stumps. Okay, that's strange; I thought for sure they would have had skeletal feet inside their boots, but I guess the boots just hover at the ends of their legs or whatever. Weird.

Unfortunately, looking back did mess up my timing with the Flomps, and the one I was on unexpectedly catapulted me to the side. But I hadn't noticed previously that this set of Flomps was on a thin, curving strip of lava. So instead of losing a health wedge and getting burned, I fell off the planet entirely.

TOO BAD!