Chapter 43: I Do Business with a Potential Mobster
And when I arrived back on Starship Mario with my nineteenth Power Star, Banktoad was waiting there for me. Oh joy.
"Hey, MarioaaaAAAAAAAGGHHH!" he screamed. "WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?!"
You know damn well what you're looking at!
"Not again!" Mailtoad whined. "Why does this keep happening today?"
I hightailed it off the helm and down to my quarters, where….
Aw FUDGE! I didn't have any more intact changes of clothes, since everything else was still missing the stitching I used to climb that cliff in the Hightail Falls Galaxy! What the heck was I gonna wear now?
"BANKTOAD!" I called up to the helm. "DO YOU KNOW OF ANY OTHER CLOTHES I CAN WEAR?! BECAUSE I HAVE NO MORE CLOTHES! AT ALL!"
"You can borrow some of the Brigade's clothes," he replied. "They're in my dresser."
I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to this, but…. "If they're in your dresser, why did you just call them 'the Brigade's clothes'?"
"Well, I use those clothes the most, but the Toad Brigade operates on a Communal Clothing Policy. If one of us needs clothes and someone else has clothes, we lend them to each other. And we consider you an honorary Brigade member, Mario."
…That was what I was flippin' afraid of. But I didn't really have many good alternatives.
So I headed into Banktoad's cabin, a place I'd never been before. The walls were the same green as the spots on his head. Adorning the walls were posters of Imagine Dragoneels, the Toad-vengers, Shroom Wars, Shroom Trek, (how is it physically possible to be a fan of both?), and more.
In the top drawer of his dresser, I found his clothes, as well as a problem. They were Toad-sized, not human-sized. Which meant the shirt barely came down over my pecs, and the sleeves didn't even reach the edges of my shoulders. And the pants barely even qualified as underpants since Toads' legs are practically nonexistent, and their…stuff is presumably smaller than it is on humans.
Banktoad knocked on the door just after I squeezed my legs through the underwear's leg holes. "Mario, are you decent? I've got some news for you."
"I'd hardly call me wearing your tiny clothes 'decent,' but whatever," I said. "What's the news?"
"That's okay, I can tell you through the door. So for the first piece of news, shortly after you left to complete the mission you just finished, the Starship had a…new arrival."
I narrowed my eyes. "Who?" Toads were cowardly by nature, but Banktoad was seeming even more yellow-bellied than normal.
"Well, a…Lumalee. Now, now, I know you probably don't want any Lumas on the Starship, and you get the final call since you're the Captain, but I think he might be okay. He did some magic trick or whatever to make a Warp Pipe appear by the Starship's left ear, and then headed down it. Since you were taking so long to come back from the Tall Trunk Galaxy, I made the executive decision to send Yoshi down there and feed him a bunch of anti-Lubba propaganda, stating he's a traitor who turned against Lumakind to serve Bowser. I…hope you don't mind."
Actually, that's the exact sort of thing I would've done. We'll need all the help we can get when Lubba inevitably returns.
"Good thinking," I said. "And is there more news?"
"Yeah. While you were changing just now, we got another new arrival. But I'm not too concerned about this guy. There's a wittle here now."
I have no idea what the flip he said, but "wittle" is what it sounded like.
"There's a what here now?" I asked.
"A wittle."
It sounded like what little kids say instead of "little," so that's what I went with. "There's a little here now? A little what?"
"No, no, not a little. A wittle."
Okay, what else does "wittle" sound like? "There's a riddle here now?"
"No, Mario, a wittle!"
Okay, I was done trying to make heads or tails of what he was saying. All I knew was "wittle" didn't sound like the name of any of Bowser's minions, so I let it slide for now. I lied, "Oh, a wittle! That's what you were saying."
"Yeah," Banktoad said. "Well, I'll be going back up to the helm now. Also, we moved your TV to your cabin for you earlier. Yoshi figured that's where you'd want it."
Well, as a matter of fact, that is where I wanted it. See, it was Lubba's presence that was making life on Starship Mario intolerable! Get rid of him and his cronies and life here isn't really that bad.
I'd still prefer the Comet Observatory, though.
After that I headed to my room and hooked up my TV, which was relatively simple. Then I chilled out for a few hours and got caught up on Weirder Things. The season ended on a cliffhanger, which was slightly annoying, but I didn't even have the mental energy to complain about after all the other crap I've had thrown at me on this adventure.
And now it was time to turn in for the night so I'd be rested up for whatever the universe had in store for me next.
The next morning, I woke up and found that the Super Mario costume and replacement plunger had both arrived, so I put the plunger in the bathroom and donned the costume. The workmanship on the costume was shoddy at best, as the "M" circle on the cap was half-peeling off and two of the overalls' buttons looked like they were about to fall off, but it was better than Toad clothes or no clothes. Baby Luma was just happy to have shelter again, as he complained that he'd been getting sunburned ever since I lost my cap.
Not sure if he was making that up or not.
So then I assessed my options for the day.
Boo-in-a-Rib-Cage Galaxy whose real name I didn't even bother looking at…nope.
Tall Trunk Galaxy…done.
Cloudy Court Galaxy…still skeptical.
World 2 Hungry Luma…I had Lubba's 1,000 Star Bits now, so whatever. World 2 Hungry Luma is was. And this guy had sure as hell better be more respectful to me, not that nonsense with the World 1 Hungry Luma whining about being busy taking a bath and implying I just wanted to rescue Peach so I could bed her.
So I steered the Starship back into World 2 and then got out the Starship's phone book and looked through it. The only number it had down for "Hungry Luma" was that stupid 1-800-STAR-BIT, but that made no sense. That's the number to call the World 1 Hungry Luma, so what the heck is the number for the World 2 Hungry Luma?
"Banktoad!" I called. Guess I've subconsciously appointed him my second-in-command. "What the heck is the phone number for the Hungry Luma?"
Banktoad walked over and pointed to the phone book. "Here. 1-800-STAR-BIT."
"No, that's for the Hungry Luma in World 1. I'm looking for the one in World 2."
"Well then you just swap out the 1 for a 2. So 2-800-STAR-BIT."
What the flying flip? "No, the only digit that ever goes there is 1. In every phone call I've made in my entire life, I have never dialed a 2 there."
"Well, that's because the Mushroom Kingdom's in World 1. Every phone number in World 1 starts with a 1, and every phone number in World 2 starts with a 2. I suppose that trend continues to later worlds too, but this is the first time anyone from the Brigade's made it past World 2. Hey, by the way, when are we gonna rescue the rest of the Brigade from the Rightside Down Galaxy?"
Man, this guy was persistent!
"Not right away," I said. "You want to save them, then you go do it."
"How? You need this ship for adventuring, and there's no other ones here now that Lubba stole the berry planet."
"Hitchhike."
"You hitchhike."
Was Banktoad backtalking me?
"Alright, fine, we'll go there after I get this stupid Hungry Luma done and over with. Honestly, it was a risk putting it off even this long; if Lubba returns, no doubt he's gonna confiscate the 1,000 Star Bits that arrived yesterday for himself." Can't believe I didn't realize that sooner.
"You promise?" Banktoad asked.
"Fine, I promise."
I picked up the phone and dialed 2-800-STAR-BIT.
A deep voice I would never have thought belonged to a Luma answered the phone. "Yo! You got the product?"
"Uh, what?"
"The product, ya wuss! You got the Star Bits?"
What was he, a gangster or something?
"I don't got all day! You got the product or not? Quit wasting my damn time!"
"Uh, yeah, yeah, I have the Star Bits. You want-"
"What was that? I couldn't hear ya over that baby that was talking into the phone!"
It took me a good four seconds to piece together that he was calling me a baby. Man, and I thought Lubba was nasty for no reason!
"I've got the Star Bits!" I yelled. "Now get your lazy-"
"You got a problem with me, boy?" the Hungry Luma snapped.
Geez, there was no winning with this guy!
"No problem," I said in as moderated a tone as I could manage given how much this idiot was frustrating me. "I've got the Star Bits. It's 700, right?"
"You'd better have them, or I'm taking something from you to make up for it."
The line disconnected.
Was that a threat? What sort of shady stuff was I getting caught up in here?
"Uh, Banktoad, Mailtoad, I think we might've just gotten into some mafia-type stuff here," I said. "Go get Yoshi and…." Dang, I didn't really have any other allies. Great, now stranding the Toad Brigade in World 1 was coming back to bite me in the ass. "…and just get back to the helm, quickly. You guys'll be my muscle."
"Mafia stuff?!" Banktoad said. "Oh man, oh man, oh man! Are we going to sleep with the Cheep-Cheeps?! Is he gonna give us an offer we can't refuse?! Is one of us gonna wake up to find a dead Yoshi head in their bed?!"
Man, someone's watched The Toadfather a few too many times.
Barely had he finished that round of panicking when I heard a voice behind me. "So, where's the product?"
I whirled around to see the Hungry Luma there. He looked like your run-of-the-mill Hungry Luma, except for the deep voice, something strapped to his back that I couldn't see clearly from where I was, and the fact that he was missing an eye.
"What're you looking at?" he growled, brandishing his Star Bit baton like a club or sword or something. "And what are these two Toads supposed to be? Your babysitters?"
Stop insulting my maturity! I turned to Banktoad and snapped my fingers. He grabbed the box of Star Bits and dragged it over to the Hungry Luma.
"He-he-here you go," he said, barely holding together before completely losing it. "Pleasedon'tkillYoshiandputhisheadinoneofourbedshe'sareallyreallyreallygoodYoshi!"
"Shut up, you wuss!" the Hungry Luma said. He inspected the box. "If this is anything other than the Star Bits you promised me, you're all losing something…important to you."
Yeah, no question in my mind what body part he meant by that.
"Oh come on, even me?" Mailtoad said. "I'm not even part of this!"
"Shut up!" I snapped at him. "That's just making us look suspicious!"
The Hungry Luma slashed his Star Bit batons through the top of the box, cutting the top to shreds. Those things are that sharp? Yikes. Here I was thinking they were actual Star Bits.
"This looks about right," the Hungry Luma said. He stashed his batons in the object on his back (which I could see now was a pair of scabbards) and then started wolfing down the Star Bits.
And he didn't stop until the whole box was empty.
"Uh, you were supposed to leave me with 300 of those Star Bits!" I said.
"Wpkl, gus gvue miv thuur holde bovfx, soit vatks foud plormbe," he said. Or something like that. I couldn't make out a gosh dang word he said with all those Star Bits in his mouth, which makes no sense since other Hungry Lumas' mouths are just as full when say their thing about TRANSFORMing, and I can understand them just fine.
Then, without even torturing me with that eardrum-rupturing, the Hungry Luma flew away into the sky, turning into a new galaxy. I stepped on the helm and steered us towards it.
"Mario, I'm nervous," Banktoad said. "You see, my cousin Bob got involved in the Poochy trafficking mob a few years back, and I haven't heard from him in eight months. I'm really worried about him."
"Well, this is the only involvement we're ever going to have with whatever galactic mob that guy belongs to. The end."
"Yeah, but now he's dead! His fellow mobsters are gonna blame us and come after us and we're gonna sleep with the Cheep-Cheeps!"
"Stop saying 'sleep with the Cheep-Cheeps'!" I ordered. "It's just sounding obnoxious now!"
I positioned us over the icon for the new galaxy and saw that it was titled.
Oh NO! Flipping flying fudging WHY?!
The Honeybloom Galaxy.
Which sounded like it was gonna be a repeat of the Honeyhive Galaxy and the Honeyclimb Galaxy from my first galactic adventure. The Honeyhive wasn't inherently bad or anything (the Honeyclimb is a whole nother story), but it was where I was first introduced to the stupid Bee Mushroom. Granted it let me fly, which was neat, but I was vulnerable to water for the first time, which I absolutely hated. Not to mention the Honey Queen tried to trap me in her breeding pen, which didn't exactly make me eager to potentially run into her again.
But I didn't really have any better alternatives at the moment, so Honeybloom Galaxy it was.
And the title of the first mission confirmed my suspicions: "Bumble Beginnings." Yay.
Upon approaching the galaxy, I saw that it looked like the entire galaxy was one gigantic planet. It was made of stone and grass, with a giant cavern in its center. So…was the mission going to involve exploring that cavern then? It didn't look like there was much in it; heck, it didn't look like there was anything in it, but whatever.
To my surprise, I didn't land directly on the planet; instead, I landed on a vine extending from it, then twirled down the length of the vine towards the planet. Well, this was…new. When I finally landed on the planet, I wasn't in the giant cave, but in a small pathway carved into the side of the planet, the back of which led into the giant cavern. The pathway, meanwhile, led past a Goomba and then up a shaft, from the look of things.
Since Goombas are stupid vermin, I decided to go for the cavern first. But when I tried to turn back, I found that I couldn't.
Oh no…don't even…you gotta be flippin' kidding me! This was a 2D LEVEL?! No, no, NO! I hate these levels! And if that was the case, then what the heck was the point of having this huge cavern right behind me if I couldn't even access it?
I reluctantly headed forward, which invited the Goomba to charge me. Needless to say I made quick work of him, then wall-jumped up the shaft above the Goomba. I landed on a ledge with another Goomba on it, and a swing hanging above it. Also above it was a taller shaft, but it looked like the main path continued further ahead. The tall shaft probably just led to a bonus area with a bunch of Star Bits or something. In other words, a pointless area.
One Goomba-stomping and swing-swinging later, I landed on another ledge, this one with a Bee hovering above it.
"We came here in search of a star for our queen!" the Bee said.
Ugh, not the Honey Queen.
"What was that, buzz-ter?" the Bee snapped.
What, did I actually say that out loud?
"Did you just diss our queen, buzz-ter?"
"No, and stop saying 'buzz-ter'!" I yelled. "It just sounds stupid!"
"You insult our kingdom's monarch and then you insult our kingdom's official word? That…that doezzz it!"
Oh, right…now I remembered the other reason I hate honey-themed galaxies. Because those Bees take everything way too personally. And when they perceive so much as the slightest sleight against them…you get stung.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! The next installment will be up on August 25th, the one-year anniversary of me starting "MGT," and will be another interlude made up of a few vignettes set around the "Mario's Galactic Tale Universe" (MGTU). I hope you enjoy those too; until then, please R&R!
Next up (after the vignettes): Mario is chased by a bee, Lubba returns, and "Exploring the Cosmic Cavern"!