Chapter 45: Lubba Returns

Hovering ominously above the helm like that flying saucer Bowser used to abduct Peach's Castle in my first galactic adventure was the Berry Planetoid. And as Yoshi said, there was a giant thruster on its underside, glowing blue.

"Well, well, well, Mario," he said. "You're still here. Well, I have seven things to say to you."

Oh, this should be good.

"One, I stand by everything I've previously said about/to you. Two, Red Luma stayed behind on the Starship and has been spying on you for me."

Who in the heck? Oh, Red Luma, the one I call Polari clone.

"Three, I know you turned the Starship's TV reception on against my wishes. Four, I know you ordered a TV, Super Mario suit, and plunger with my credit card. Five, I know you deactivated the forcefield around Starship Mario. Six, I know you stole my 1,000 Star Bits. And seven, I expect to be reimbursed for that and the other three purchases."

Hoo boy, I was gonna have a field day with this.

"Well then, I've got six things to say to you," I retorted. "One, mutual. Two…I knew he was spying on me." I really didn't. "Three, turning off the TV reception was a tyrannical thing to do because if people were meant to function without TVs nowadays, why would TVs have ever been invented? Four…yeah, I did. Five…yeah, I did. Six...yeah, I did." Darn it, I was losing momentum here! "And seven…read my lips." I mouthed, "No."

"'Oh'?" Lubba said.

Was he really that stupid or was he just being obnoxious on purpose? I mouthed "No" again.

"'Low'?"

"No, you idiot, 'no'! I was mouthing 'no'!"

"Every one-syllable word ending in that long 'o' sound looks the exact same when you mouth it and you know it!"

Yeah, but only one of those is a fitting retort to his #6!

I changed the subject. "Where the heck are Yoshi and the Toads?"

"Don't pretend like you care about them," Lubba said. "I locked them in your room and then welded the door shut. Let's see how you like that, huh?"

Oh, COME ON! Why can't I ever just be spiteful to someone else without getting a bunch of bad karma for it?!

I balled my fists. Lubba gave me a glare that was probably supposed to intimidating but just looked constipated.

I shouted and ran towards Lubba. He (probably) tried to shout but the resulting sound was more like an I-just-got-punched-in-the-balls groan of pain – in slo-mo, at that – and floated towards me.

A second before we would've collided, I dropped to the helm and slid through his…not really legs, just lower appendages. But once I stood again behind him, I hesitated. What exactly was I going to do? Bowser wouldn't take Lubba. Trapping him in his room wouldn't work since the door was already welded shut. The bathroom's door wouldn't lock, so if I wanted to trap him in there, I'd have to knock him unconscious first so he couldn't get out while I was welding the door in place. Yoshi and the Toads weren't gonna be any help. What was – OW!

Lubba whacked me in the side, flinging me into the Totals Sign and knocking both me and it off the helm. I tumbled down the side of the ship and Lubba floated after me. Why is this how all of our confrontations go? I always end up running away from him. From him? Well, that was gonna stop now.

I looked around for something to throw at him, and…what the-? One of those wooden bobbleheads was behind the Starship's left ear. When the heck did he get here? Ohhh…maybe that's what Banktoad was telling me about when I thought he was saying "little" or "riddle" or whatever. A Wittle? That's what those things are called? Oh-kaaaay.

I long-jumped towards the Wittle. As I approached him, he said, "Collect many Comet Medals? Comet arrive! First time in galaxy-"

Oh my gosh, had everyone fallen for that load of garbage except me?

I picked up the Wittle and yelled, "THEY! ARE! STAR COINS!" Then I threw him at Lubba.

The Luma was caught off guard and hit square in the face. "Ow!" he cried. "Splinter up my nose! Splinter up my nose!"

What nose? You don't have a nose, you fool!

I ducked under the bridge, hoping against hope that maybe Lubba would be dumb enough to repeat his previous mistake and get stuck under the bridge.

He didn't.

As soon as I got up on the far side of the bridge to continue running, something hit be in the back of my head. I sprawled facedown in the creek, ingesting a considerable amount of the filthy-tasting water. I spat out what I could and looked up to see what had hit me.

The Wittle, obviously thrown back at me by Lubba.

50. Throws Wittles at his captain.

And, while I'm at it:

51. Turns off Starship Mario's TV reception.

And before you go calling me a hypocrite because, "Oh, Mario, you threw the Wittle at him, so you've just gotta suck it up if he does the same thing to you"…nnnyeeaaahhhno. Captains are allowed to throw items at their subordinates when their subordinates are being annoying; the reverse is not true. Also I even wasn't being annoying to Lubba, so there's that.

"Me. Hate you!" the Wittle said, punching me with his stick hands.

"What the heck did I do?!" I shouted.

"Throw me. Hurt."

"Yeah, and Lubba threw you too!"

"Friend of Wittles. Warned would throw me. Gentle. You no give warning. Harsh."

That was officially the biggest load of garbage I'd ever heard. And that's saying something; there's some pretty stiff competition for that title.

Lubba was gaining on me thanks to the bobblehead wasting my time. I shoved on his face to try to get him off me, but the menace bit my fingers. OW! Dang it, his splinter teeth cut right through the glove! That would never have happened with my real gloves, only these lousy knockoffs! I swung my leg up and butt-kicked the Wittle, sending him flying over my head and into the backside of the Starship's right ear.

"Get back here, Mario!" Lubba called. "Get back here right now, I command you!"

You're not the captain of me! I headed back for the helm, having made my decision on what to do. If I could get back to World 1 and the Baby Blocks Galaxy before Lubba caught up with me, I'd go there and rescue the rest of the Toad Brigade, then bring them back here and have them help take back the Starship.

And – huh – I'd actually end up keeping that promise I made to Banktoad about going back to the Baby Blocks Galaxy once I visited the Honeybloom Galaxy. I guess I do have it in me, contrary to what 83% of the Mushroom Kingdom thinks, according to a survey published in the Mushroom Kingdom Herald last year:

Is Mario Physically Capable of Keeping a Promise He Makes?

1%: Yes

83%: No

16%: Undecided

That was pretty insulting to read.

I ran to the helm and gripped the steering wheel. Apparently completing "Bumble Beginnings" had opened a path connecting the Honeybloom Galaxy to Bowser's Lava Lair, but I didn't really care about that right now. I turned Starship Mario in a 180, spinning it back towards the beginning of World 2. I looked back; Lubba was just behind the helm. And that gave me an idea. I brought the Starship to a grinding halt, flinging Lubba straight into the pine tree once again.

Maybe I've used this line to death, but I really don't care:

"Pine tree! You're coming into pine tree!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Lubba yelled, his voice muffled by the tree. "IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!"

…It's funny, right? It's funny.

I got to the junction between the Boulder Bowl, Hightail Falls, Wild Glide, Honeybloom, and the…dang it, I flippin' knew I'd get confused about what the water one's name was. I want to say Comet Cave Galaxy…?

Suddenly, something hit me in the back of the head and I fell to the helm, hitting my head on the steering wheel on my way down. The ship spun to the side, throwing Lubba out of the tree and into the chimney. I got up, only to be shoved back down again by – ugh, that gosh dang WITTLE was what hit me!

"You. Going nowhere," he said.

"Get a life!" I spat. I got up and kicked at him, but he leapt aside and tripped me. I faceplanted onto the helm and the Wittle kicked me in the head. Which didn't really hurt since his legs were tiny, but was still annoying as all get-out.

I rolled to the side as he prepared another kick, then leapt up and kicked him in the face, channeling all my pent-up frustration with Wittlekind into that one motion. The Wittle arced backwards off the helm, head bobbling about as much as I expected it would be, and landed in the stream.

"Ow. Me hurt," he groaned.

Suddenly, Lubba sumo wrestler-bumped into me, knocking me into the steering wheel. Before I could get my bearings, he picked me up and body slammed me onto the dashboard. But this was a mistake, because I used my momentum from that to hurl Lubba away from me towards the Starship's nose. I somersaulted back off the dashboard onto the helm, but as soon as I landed on it, I was launched out the helm hole. Wait…what the heck?!

ARGH!

When Lubba flipped me onto the helm, I must've hit the "FLY TO THIS GALAXY" button, and the function to launch me out the helm hole just happened to activate right as I landed back on the helm.

Which begged the obvious question: WHAT FLIPPIN' GALAXY WAS I EVEN FLYING TO?! Because last I knew, before Starship Mario got spun all over the place during my tussle with the Wittle, the Starship wasn't within range of any galaxies.

Well, I guess I'd know where I was going in a few seconds….