A/N: Welcome back to the next batch of chapters! Read, review, and enjoy!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 53: Substitute Sidekick: The Sequel

Now I was iraaaaaaaate! Those Li'l Burps had gone and done it. Well, I certainly hoped they were happy with themselves, because they weren't going to be for much longer. No indeed, they weren't going to be feeling anything for much longer.

I respawned at the start of the ice slide and was about to head down it when Lumalee took it upon himself to talk to me again. "Well, now I am very cold, thank you very much," he said. "And you know I-"

"Yes, I know you don't like being cold!" I snapped. "You have made me well aware of that fact!"

"Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

…Should I extend my list of Grievances Against Lubba to include not just Lubba but all Lumas? Nah, forget it. I'd never get my actual adventures documented because I'd constantly be adding items to that list.

I headed down the slide again and emerged on the Li'l Burp snow fort planet. Okay, you pains in my ass, time for Round Two.

The first one floated towards me, but I Star-Spun near it and turned it into a coin. And now, before I went after that Comet Medal, I'd be taking out the other Li'l Burps as well so those frozen buttholes couldn't sneak up on me like they did last time.

After doing that (and, luckily, not getting frozen this time), I grabbed the Fire Flower and started burning through the snow fort again. I found and grabbed the Comet Medal pretty quickly. Elsewhere in the snow fort was the shaft of a Warp Pipe leading into the ground, and the top of the pipe was clearly hidden atop the fort. So I climbed to the top and, a few more melted snow blocks later, I found the top of the pipe.

"You're not…seriously going down there, right?" Lumalee asked as I was about to jump down the pipe.

"Uh, matter of fact, I am," I said.

"Oh, gosh no, You don't know where this pipe goes. It could lead to a sewer, or some other nasty place like that. I place where I don't belong. Maybe you do. You're a plumber; you deal with grey water and black water on a regular basis. Not me; I'm of noble heritage, used to the pampered life of high society-"

Screw it; I was done listening to his nonsense.

Down the Warp Pipe I leapt, while Lumalee squealed in horror under my cap. After a few seconds I didn't hear him anymore; I don't think that was because he stopped screaming, but because his scream reached too high a frequency for my ears to register.

I emerged from the Warp Pipe on the planet made of lava I'd seen earlier in the galaxy. Now that I was actually on it, I could see it wasn't 100% lava; somehow, small islands made of snow were floating on it, and at the center of them was a giant island with another snow statue of Bowser. Oh. Was this what the mission's title was referring to? Oh great, and this planet looked even more like a boss arena than the big snow planet. I had no doubt that this time around, Bowser really was waiting for me inside the statue.

"Are you just going to stand there all day or get going?" Lumalee asked. "See, I've got a manicure appointment at 5:00, and if you take much longer, I'm going to be late. And if there's anything I hate more than being cold, it's being late."

How the heck is it even physically possible for a Luma to get a manicure? You know what, I'm not even sure I care about the answers to these questions anymore.

I snagged the checkpoint flag on the piece of snow I'd landed on, and…I guess I'd be long-jumping between the islands; there didn't appear to be any other way to traverse them. To my right there was just one island, with another snow Goomba on it, but to my left was a chain of islands leading to the snow Bowser statue. Left it was; these snow Goomba statues have yet to reveal anything useful hiding inside them. Actually, that's not true, the Starting Planet's Launch Star was in one. But come on, we've got snow Bowser and a snow Goomba. Which one do you think the big, important thing is gonna be hiding in?

Yep. Snow Bowser.

A couple islands later, I arrived on one with two crates and a giant snowball on it. There had been a giant snowball on the first island too, but I tried spinning into it and all it did was roll across the island. Clearly there was no way to get inside those things, even though they were made of snow, which should be, like, the easiest substance in the universe to claw my way through. The closest island ahead of me looked too far away to long-jump to, so maybe something useful was hidden in the crates.

Or, of course, they could just be filled with a bunch of drugs I end up releasing into the air.

Yeah, I know I keep harping on the "Kamella's Airship Attack Incident," as I'm now officially calling it. You would too if you were me.

Filled with drugs they were not, but their actual contents were hardly better: a coin and another Star Bunny. If you start whining about the snow statues….

"OK. Since you found me, I'll let you in on a secret," he said. "If you roll the snowballs in the snow, they'll get bigger!"

…And nary a "Boiyoing!" to be heard. That's a new one.

But more importantly, yeah, everyone who's ever built a snowman knows that! And while I'm not all that whimsical now, I built a snowman or two in my youth.

"That's not a secret," I said. "Why the heck would that information benefit me now?"

"Well, because you can roll there snowballs and make them big enough to make a path of snow between these islands, boiyoing!" he said.

…And there it is.

But…what?! That is physically impossible; snow won't form a path over lava, it'll be melted by lava! This Star Bunny must've been in league with the one I had trapped on Starship Mario, and was trying to feed me a bunch of lies that would end in me getting killed. Although, there was an easy way to test his claims.

I shoved the snowball into the lava. Lo and behold, it formed a path of snow behind it, and inexplicably did not melt and sink into the lava right away. What…I'm not ever bothering to try and comprehend this.

"Quickly, quickly!" the Star Bunny said. "The path won't last long, boiyoing!"

It shouldn't last at all, but whatever. I was about to head out onto the snow when Lumalee yanked on my hair, pulling me back. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," he said. "Snow isn't very sturdy, after all. And if you fall into that lava, it's going to be very painful for me. Oh, it'll ruin my complexion for weeks…."

Okay, if Lumalee didn't want to do it, then that settled it: I was doing it. "Well, look on the bright side: at least you won't be cold then," I snarked. "And if we die, blame the Star Bunny for feeding us bad intel."

"Hey!" the Star Bunny said.

"I said 'if.'" I feared I might've overstayed my welcome on this island and was going to be the victim of a collaborative murder if I stayed any longer, so I tentatively stepped out onto the snow. Somehow it supported my weight. I rolled the snowball further across the planet and made my way to the next island.

After rolling another snowball and dodging a few Li'l Cinders (dang it, I still have to come up with an insulting name for them), I made my way to the island in front of the central one with the Bowser statue on it. And a couple islands further ahead of me was a Fire Flower I assumed I'd have to use to melt the statue.

Sigh.

Suddenly, another Li'l Cinder ambushed me from behind and set my ass on fire. "OWWWOO!" I screamed, jumping around and clutching my butt. "Aiyeeaiyeeaiyeeaiagh!"

Li'l Sinners. That's what I'd be calling them. It's not exactly condescending like "Li'l Burp" is, but not many words sound like "cinder."

I Star-Spun next to the Li'l Sinner and grabbed the coin it turned into to replenish my health, then headed for the Fire Flower. "Just be prepared to get burned a lot fighting Bowser," I said to Lumalee. "It happens to me all the time."

"Oh dear, oh dear," Lumalee fretted. "And this cap is made of cotton, which is basically the definition of 'flammable.'"

Hence, again, the Kevlar lining my old cap had. Every few days I'd discover a new benefit of having such a protected head. Hitting my head on bricks didn't hurt, my hair didn't burn off anymore when Bowser set me on fire, and I no longer feared knocking my noggin on the underside of a counter during plumbing work.

I grabbed the Fire Flower and headed back towards snow Bowser's island. One fireball. Two fireballs. Three fireballs. The statue exploded and-

Oh.

Bowser wasn't waiting for me in the statue. Nope, just a Power Star.

Then why the flying flip was this mission titled "Bowser on Ice"? It should've been called "Snow Bowser Statue on Snow Above Lava." Or "Melt the Snow Bowser Statue!" That's what this level would've been called back in Super Mario 64. If nothing else, you can't deny that that game's level titles were straightforward.

I leapt towards the Power Star and grabbed it, completing the mission.

Upon arriving back at Starship Mario, I had 24 Power Stars and 9 Comet Medals. And as soon as I registered those facts, I tore off my cap and ordered, "Okay, Lumalee. This is your train stop. Get off."

He floated in front of me. "Oh, thank you. Now I'd better go take a deep, cleansing bath and scrub all these vile lice off me. And it looks like I'll have time to do that and still be on time for my manicure appointment." Without another word, he flew away.

Good riddance.

Before I could even decide what to do next, Blue came running up to me. "Baby Luma's going to make it," he declared. "He'll just need a few days of R&R, and then Percy and I agree he'll be ready to go out adventuring again. How did it go with Lumalee?"

"Well, I guess I won't be doing any more adventuring for a few days," I said. "Lumalee was awful, and I will not be taking him with me on my adventures with him ever again."

"I could help you out," Blue said.

"Uh…do Toads possess magical Star-Spin powers I don't know about?"

"No, but I'll be company for you. We can talk to each other."

"Yeah, which is what I hated about Lumalee coming with me, and also, you can't give me the ability to Star-Spin, which is the only reason I need Baby Luma in the first place."

"Oh." Blue hung his head dejectedly. "Welp, the Captain and I'll be taking over prison guard duty in a few minutes, so see you later, Mario." With that, he left the helm.

After heading belowdecks to check on Baby Luma, I hooked up my new TV in my new bedroom and decided to just turn in for the evening. Baby Luma joined me in my room, but turned out to be a buzzkill because he insisted on watching "heartwarming, wholesome programming while I convalesce." And I couldn't even offer a retort, because in order to offer a retort, one has to know what the party one is offering the retort to meant with their original statement.

So, instead of starting the new season of The Punishroom, I was forced to sit through six hours of Hallmushroom Christmas movies (why the heck were they even being shown in May?!) before sleep finally put me out of my misery.

And the following morning, when Baby Luma announced that he had misplaced the remote – and, thus, the TV was stuck playing Christmas movies – I decided I needed to get the hell out of there. I couldn't spend one more day on that ship doing nothing or I was going to seriously lose it.