Chapter 54: Bill Board Grudge Match

I headed up to the helm, where the Toad Brigade (sans Hugh and Banktoad) were engaging in what looked to be some sort of martial arts training practice. Didn't know, didn't really care to know.

"Oh, hey Mario," Bartholomew said, walking over to me. "Brigade, keep going. Uh, anyway, the first Prankster Comet appeared last night, in the Cloudy Court Galaxy."

What? NO! I was sure as heck not going back there, to that warp field-laden, Spiky Spikepecker-inhabited nightmare! Hopefully this would work like my first galactic adventure did, where if I ignored a Prankster Comet for long enough, it would automatically vanish and another one would appear elsewhere instead.

"Uh, thanks," I said. I walked past him onto the helm. Let's see, were there any levels it looked like I might be able to complete without Star-Spinning? Uh…not bothering with that haunted-looking galaxy. Not going back to the Honeybloom Galaxy. I had no idea about the Boulder Bowl Galaxy. The Fluffy Bluff Galaxy would definitely involve Star-Spinning to make clouds. As would the Sky Station Galaxy and Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla if I went back to get their Comet Medals, seeing as how I'd then have to fight IP/Peewee Piranha or Gobblegut again in order to complete the mission and officially collect the Comet Medal, which I couuldn't do without Star-Spinning to break open the egg on the former's rear end or those tomato bulges along the latter's body.

Then, of course, there was the new galaxy I'd unlocked upon completing "Bowser on Ice." I steered Starship Mario over to it and looked at its name. Ah, here we go.

The Rolling Masterpiece Galaxy.

The icon was that spiky ball I'd seen before, but now I could clearly see that there was a Star Ball in the icon too. Star Ball missions in my first galactic adventure never involved Star-Spinning; I just had to roll the ball along. Haha! The universe probably thought it had screwed me over. But when you screw with Mario, Mario's gonna screw with you right back.

I flew to the galaxy, and saw that the first and only mission was titled "Silver Chomp Grudge Match."

Oh yay, yet another gosh dang variant of Chomp. When will Bowser decide enough is enough and stop churning out new versions of them? There's Chomps, Chain Chomps, Gold Chomps, Flame Chomps, those gosh dang Chibi Wanwan, and now Silver Chomps? Does Bowser ever get sick of conducting experiments screwing around with creatures' DNA? Or maybe the real problem is those mad scientists Iggy and Kamek. Who knows?

So I started the mission flying through the sky towards a small, grassy planet with a stone border. In the center of the planet was a Star Ball, and next to it was Bill Board. Surprise surprise; levels like this and Bill Board go together like Bowser and fire, like Luigi and cowardice, like Toads and last names with "Toad" in them.

I ran towards the Star Ball, hoping I could mount it and ride away before Bill Board started talking, but I didn't.

"Hey, it's me, Bill Board!" he said. "If you want to ride on this Star Ball, listen up! OK-"

For some reason, in situations like this, as long as he's talking, I can never do the thing he thinks he has to teach me about, but in reality I can do on my own (in this case, get on the Star Ball and ride it away). And several times in my first galactic adventure, I tried ground-pounding Bill into oblivion to get him to shut up, which for some reason never worked and just ended in me getting the top of his post stuck up my ass. But now another idea popped into my head: even if I couldn't climb on the Star Ball until he stopped yapping, maybe I could push on the Star Ball and roll it over him to crush him.

I got on the far side of the Star Ball as he continued his stupid monologue, and pushed on it with all my might. Finally it budged, slowly but surely moving towards Bill. And then, with a satisfying crunch, it rolled over him. Yes! Maybe now I'd be able to get on the Star Ball.

But…wait a second. The pit to launch the Star Ball to the next planet was on a raised section of ground. How the heck did I get the Star Ball to jump on my first galactic adventure? Oh man, my mind was flippin' blanking! I couldn't remember! Dang it, and Bill probably would've told me too! Dang it, why did I have to kill Bill? Now I didn't even know how to get off the Starting Planet!

Or…I could try puncturing the Star Ball with one of the pieces of wood that used to be Bill.

Now, given that in the Rolling Green Galaxy I rode one of these things over a flippin' Bob-Omb and it didn't rupture, that might sound like a stupid idea.

Well, you know what they say about desperate times and desperate measures and all that.

So I took the sharpest piece of wood I could find, backed up to the far end of the Starting Planet, and ran at the Star Ball with all my might. The tip of the piece of wood snapped off, and the Star Ball was pushed back about a foot. Okay, time to try it again. Maybe if I could push the Star Ball back into the corner between the border of the planet and the raised area the Star Ball-launching pit was on, a place where the ball couldn't exactly roll away from me anymore, then tried breaking it open, it would work. And for that matter, stones are harder than wood, so I grabbed one of the large stones from the border of the planet to hit the Star Ball with instead.

Fifteen minutes later, I'd finally pushed the Star Ball the ten yards or so into the aforementioned corner. Then I backed up to the far edge of the planet with my stone, and took off running towards the Star Ball. If this thing didn't crack clean open this time, then my name wasn't Mario!

I leapt.

I swung the rock down.

Not so much as a crack.

Well, let me clarify…not so much as a crack appeared in the Star Ball. The rock, on the other hand, split clean in half, and one half flew about two inches wide of splitting my head open.

That was it.

This Star Ball had done it now.

I grabbed half of the rock and slammed it against the Star Ball as I shoved my whole body against it too. Come on, how flippin' sturdy is this thing? And if Star Balls are this strong, then I don't even wanna know how strong the mechanism is at the end of these levels that smashes them apart.

"Break – the – heck – open!" I yelled between blows.

After I'd hit it no less than 150 times, the Star Ball suddenly moved a few inches. Like all the force being put on it was slowly pushing it up. And if it was going up, then maybe I could push on it juuuust right so it slid onto the platform with the pit in it. And then I'd have to complete this mission the long way, but that was better than nothing.

I kept pushing, and the Star Ball kept going up. And then, when it was about to slide onto the stone platform….

…I sneezed.

My momentum was screwed up, and hurtling over the edge of the planet went the Star Ball. "NO!" I shouted. I leaned over the stone border in time to see the Star Ball vanish into the clouds. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?! I was THIS close! THIS CLOSE!

Well, maybe if I leapt over the planet after the Star Ball, both it and I would respawn on the planet, like always happened when I rolled one off a planet in my first galactic adventure. Come to think of it, if I'd just leapt off the planet after crushing Bill Board, maybe he would've respawned.

Sigh. Why do I always think of this time-saving stuff only in hindsight?

And so I leapt off the edge of the planet after the Star Ball.

TOO BAD!

I respawned on the Starting Planet.

Was Bill Board back?

NNNOOOOOOOOPE!

Was the Star Ball back?

NNNOOOOOOOOPE!

Come on, this was so un-flippin'-fair! So if the Star Ball and I go off the planet together, we both respawn, but if we go off separately, then only I respawn? What, is the Star Ball only brought back under normal circumstances because it's with me and gets caught in the radius of my magical respawning field or whatever the heck saves me when I fall off a planet?

Yeah, I'm calling B.S. on this one.

So now, with neither Bill Board nor a Star Ball, I had no choice but to accept defeat and return to Starship Mario. What a waste of time this was.

So what, was the Star Ball gone forever now? Never to respawn? Just falling through space and time for the rest of eternity?

This was officially stupid.

When I returned to Starship Mario, Bartholomew was still hosting that martial arts class or whatever on the helm. "Oh, hey Mario," he said. "Did you get another Power Star?"

"Don't ask," I said.

"Oh. Sorry to hear that." Really, because he didn't sound it. "Okay, Toads, now I will teach you…the Biting Clampy!" He crouched down, held each of his hands in a C-shape, and gave some stereotypical, mystical "Hoo-waaaah!" shout.

Yeah, whatever.

I turned to go belowdecks and check on Baby Luma when I heard a whistling. I turned back to the Toads. "Is one of you whistling?"

Bartholomew slowly lunged to the side and swept his arms in the same direction. "No. I think it's just the music of the spheres."

Oh my GOSH, now he was sounding even stupider than Penguru. There is NO SUCH FLIPPIN' THING as this "music of the spheres" that every pompous, philosophical person out there claims to be able to hear.

And the whistling kept growing louder. It seemed to be coming from above the Starship. I looked up, but didn't see anything above the Starship except the clouds of the Rolling Masterpiece Galaxy. I walked towards the back of the helm, past the Toads, where the noise seemed to be the loudest. I looked inside the pine tree, thinking the sound might've been some strange bird whistle, but no birds were around.

Suddenly, something fell through the clouds above me. I looked up. It was-

You've gotta be mommy flipping kidding me.

It was the STAR BALL!

I went to leap aside so I wouldn't be crushed under it, but then remembered about the forcefield around the Starship. The Star Ball was falling way behind the helm hole, so it would just roll off the forcefield. But then I further remembered that I'd deactivated the forcefield, so I leapt aside after all.

But then, as the Star Ball fell. in inexplicably smashed through the forcefield, sending shards of translucent blue something flying everywhere as it fell through. But - how? I'd deactivated the forcefield!

Then I remembered that when Lubba returned a few days ago, he'd made some comment about knowing I deactivated the forcefield. He probab;y reactivated it then, so now I was gonna have to be bothered with re-deactivating it.

Meanwhile, the Star Ball crashed through the helm and landed belowdecks with a loud THUD!

Oh no….

Oh, no no no no no…..

If I was right about what was directly below this part of the helm….

Out of the hole flew all the prisoners – the generic Lumas, Polari clone, Star Bunny, and…Lubba.

Crap.

"Oh, hello, Mario," Lubba said. "Fancy seeing you again so soon."

…As much as I wanted to mock something about that statement, it had been less than three days since we trapped the mutineers in my old bedroom. I didn't think we'd be meeting again so soon either.

"Time for us to get our revenge, buster!" Polari clone said. "Those living conditions down there were inhumane!"

"I was sleeping in my own filth, boiyoing," Star Bunny added.

Did not need to know that.

None of them seemed to notice the Toads barely two feet behind them. Idiots. Hugh crept over to the Totals Sign and grabbed it, then stalked towards Lubba.

"So, where's your plucky friends now, huh?" one of the Lumas taunted. "And where's Co-Star Luma? What did you barbarians do with him? If you hurt him, I'm gonna hurt you tenfold right back, you son of a-"

Hugh smacked Lubba in the back with the Totals Sign, flinging him into two Lumas, including the mouthy one. The other mutineers whirled around to see what had happened. "A Toad, boiyoing!" Star Bunny said. "Let's get him!"

I stomped on the helm. "JACQUES, DANIEL, GET UP HERE! WE'VE HAD A BREAKOUT!"

Star Bunny did some sort of spinning ninja kick into my crotch, knocking me back towards the pine tree. The mutineers charged towards the Toad Brigade.

Yoshi and Percy ran up the back of the helm. "What the heck is – oh great," Yoshi groaned. "Not a jailbreak!"

"Lumas…," Percy said hungrily. "Permission to beat them up?"

"Permission granted," I said. "Just take them down!"

Star Bunny kicked Bartholomew in the face, knocking his top-heavy body over backwards. "Boiyoing, boiyoing!" he taunted. "Come and fight me, boiyoing!"

I leapt on him from behind and we tumbled towards the steering wheel. I threw him into the wheel, which jerked to the side. The Starship started moving away from the Rolling Masterpiece Galaxy in some unknown new direction.

Yoshi grabbed Lubba by the seat of his pants with his tongue and swung him into the pine tree, but then the other Lumas swarmed him. Percy leapt at them and grabbed one Luma in his beak, then swung him around like a chew toy.

I rolled up my sleeves and turned to face Lubba. He shook his head and then faced me. "Rolling up the sleeves, huh?" he said. "Give it up, Mario. We're going to win."

"Uh…no you're not." I couldn't think of any good reason for that to be true, I just had to believe it was.

Lubba floated towards me, and I slid under him. Then, since I know this worked once before, I grabbed his waistband, pulled on it, and then snapped it back into him.

"YOWWW!" he yelped as he was propelled into the air.

Now that he was out of the equation for several seconds, I ran over to the Toad Brigade to help them. Hugh had beaten two Lumas into submission with the Totals Sign, but the rest of them and Star Bunny were menacing my other allies.

"Where's the Co-Star Luma?!" Polari clone screamed at Bartholomew as Jacques and Daniel finally arrived on the helm. "What did you do with him, you sick bastard?!"

Bartholomew suddenly grabbed the collapsed form of the Extendable 8-Foot Spear from his belt and expanded it. He swung it into two Lumas, knocking one into the pine tree and the other into the steering wheel. The Starship swerved to the side again, knocking me and Yoshi and off balance. Star Bunny kicked Yoshi in the gut until Bartholomew put him in a headlock with the spear and yanked him across the helm. But Star Bunny somehow managed to do some sort of ninja backflip over Bartholomew and reversed gripped the spear so Bartholomew was in a headlock now. Oh come on!

I ran over and kicked Star Bunny aside, back towards the steering wheel. Lubba floated back towards the helm, but the now-freed Bartholomew stabbed Lubba right in the ass with his spear.

"OOOO!" Lubba cried in pain.

I wrestled Star Bunny to the ground, but he somehow swung his back legs up at an improbable angle and kicked me in the butt. I slid off him and two Lumas grabbed me by the arms, then held me in the air. "Beat him up, Star Bunny!" one of them chirped. "He's not going anywhere."

Star Bunny hopped over and punched me in the gut repeatedly with his stubby little arms. "Take that, boiyoing!" he cursed. "And that! And – OW!"

Hugh hit him in the back of the head with the Totals Sign, and Bartholomew swung his Lubba-on-a-stick into one of the Lumas holding me. I grabbed the other one with my free arm and threw him aside, then lunged after Star Bunny. As I was about to land on top of him, he leapt up and kicked me in the chest. I flew onto the helm, hitting various buttons. I crawled over the steering wheel and grabbed Star Bunny as I tumbled to the ground again. He tried to squirm out of my grasp, but I held onto him tight.

"Let go, boiyoing!" he grunted.

"Dream on, traitor!" I replied.

"Well, you're asking for it." He stretched his back legs and kicked me right in the crotch.

"OW!" I screamed, losing my grip on him.

But before he could hop away, both of us were launched out the helm hole. Oh come on! I must've hit "FLY TO THIS GALAXY" again when I landed on the helm. Great, so where the hell were we going now?!

And this time, seeing the galaxy's missions – rather, mission – didn't even help me, because the only available mission was titled "A Glimmer of Bulb Berry." What the heck was a Bulb Berry? Where the flip was I going?!

No, wait, I could just choose to return to Starship Mario. Yeah, no way was I going to some strange, unknown galaxy.

I was about to opt to return to the Starship, when Star Bunny suddenly grabbed onto me and screwed up my aim. And so I ended up selecting to start "A Glimmer of Bulb Berry."

NOOO!

And when I saw the planet I was approaching, I had no question about where I was anymore.

The planet was shaped like a rib cage and was inhabited by Boos.

THE BOO-IN-A-RIB-CAGE GALAXY! WHYYYY?!