A/N: Welcome back to the next batch of chapters! Once again, these three will cover "Search for the Toad Brigade Captain," as well as most of "Bowser Jr.'s Might Megahammer." As for what will come next…well, more on that later.

For now, please read, review, and enjoy!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 59: The Frank and the Furious

After dramatically leaving my room, I realized that I didn't have Baby Luma with me. He'd better be feeling up to adventuring, because I was not going to renege on telling Blue I'd rescue Bartholomew and then have to deal with his Whiny Face for the rest of the day.

I returned to my room and shook Baby Luma awake. "What is it?" he chirped.

"Are you up to going adventuring?" I asked.

"Now?"

No, in twelve hours; that's why I shook you awake NOW! But instead of saying that, I bit out, "Yes. Now."

"Percy and I could check on him," Blue said.

"I didn't ask you; Baby Luma, how do you feel?"

He wiggled his appendages a little bit. "I think I could pull it off. I just hope I don't get stabbed again."

…Come to think of it, maybe bringing Baby Luma along wasn't such a good idea. He got injured by a Spiky Spikepecker in the Cloudy Court Galaxy, and now we'd be heading back to those dang birds' other stomping ground, the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy. Without my Kevlar-lined cap.

Sigh.

I'd just have to make sure those birds didn't do a spikedive onto Baby Luma.

Baby Luma hopped under my cap, then we headed up to the helm. As it turned out, the rest of the Toad Brigade was waiting for me there. "Well?" Hugh asked. "Are you going to rescue the Captain?"

"Don't make a big deal out of it," I said.

"Oh, thank goodness," Jacques said. "Our Plan B was to bribe you with a fresh pizza, but our pizza-making skills are terrible, and I wouldn't wager any money that what we made for you is even edible."

"The can of tomato sauce we used was years old," Daniel said. "And it was open. It smelled like something died in there."

"I made the dough by hand," Banktoad said proudly, holding up his dough-covered hands.

See, this right here is why I refuse to go to restaurants. Too often I hear of stuff like this going on, then the restaurant apologizes and swears they'll be more hygienic going forward, and then when next year's inspection rolls around, the staff is back to doing the same exact things they were caught doing the year before, rinse and repeat.

I grabbed the steering wheel and…oh, never mind, Starship Mario was already at the Fluffy Bluff Galaxy. I flew out the helm hole and towards the galaxy. And as I approached it, I saw that, once again, the main mission was titled "Search for the Toad Brigade Captain." When I got back, I'd have to ask the Brigade if the mission was titled that even when they went there. Because it seemed strange to think that the mission would've been titled "Search for the Toad Brigade Captain" when Bartholomew didn't yet need searching for.

But then again, why should the level's title make sense, because – again, say it with me here, folks:

NOTHING ELSE ABOUT THESE ADVENTURES EVER DOES!

I flew towards the same Starting Planet as last time, and landed on the same island above the same pathetic, few-inch-deep lake as last time. The only difference was that Blue wasn't waiting for me on the Starting Planet like he was last time, so I guess that was the real Toad Brigade after all that was here last time. Either that or Bowser's gotten really good at coordinating the movements of his Not-Toad Brigade with the movements of the real Toad Brigade, which I highly doubted since everyone knows Bowser's an idiot.

Unfortunately, this time the galaxy was only lit by two moons hanging low in the sky, which provided quite a bit of light but were still not exactly what I wanted to be using to navigate the galaxy.

On the other hand, I didn't see Spiky Spikepecker anywhere, so maybe he was asleep. Then again, the…the…what the heck did I decide to name them? Those blue toad things (not Blue, the member of the Toad Brigade; I'm talking about toads as in amphibians) that were running around that planet in the Hightail Falls Galaxy, the…Webbed Weirdos, that's what I decided to call them. Yeah, the Webbed Weirdos weren't asleep even in the dead of night, so I wasn't getting my hopes up about Spiky Spikepecker getting some zzz's either.

On the other hand, the Webbed Weirdos' planet did have that bizarre pink light surrounding it even at zero dark thirty, so maybe they had no way of knowing when it was day or night, and thus no circadian rhythm. But since day and night clearly existed here, hopefully Spiky Spikepecker would be asleep.

I got over to the first Cloud Flower without incident, then leapt atop the two prisons. I couldn't tell for certain if anyone was currently inhabiting them, but it sounded like someone was splashing around in the water below me, so it seemed pretty likely that someone had P.O.'ed Bowser again.

I ran down a strip of grass towards a Puketoomba (who I defeated without losing a wedge of health this time, now that I knew to anticipate two rocks instead of one from him), then Star-Spun him into oblivion. Next I used a few clouds to get up the cliffside behind me, and I arrived in a grassy area atop the cliff. Waiting for me were two Piranha Plants, a Whittle, another Cloud Flower, a checkpoint flag, and another one of those gosh dang TVs from Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla.

I Star-Spun into the first Piranha Plant, forgetting that I still had a cloud left that I could use, and both defeated the Piranha Plant and created a cloud that was half-in, half-above the ground. Okay, that was strange.

I Star-Spun into the second Piranha Plant, then grabbed the Cloud Flower refill and tried to get past the Whittle before he could start talking.

I was unsuccessful.

"Make three clouds!" he said.

Yeah, I was able to figure that out on my own. I'm smart that way.

"Careful!" the Whittle continued. "Spike hit cloud…poof!"

"Spike hit cloud"? What the heck did that-?

Oh no.

Oh, nononononononono.

Up ahead was a path of clouds leading over a pit towards the next area, and hovering over the clouds were FOUR Spiky Spikepeckers. They weren't asleep, the jackasses were planning an ambush!

"Oh, hello Mario!" one called. "Remember when you flipped me off and then killed me? Well, I do. A Flaptack never forgets."

Ugh. Frank.

"Yeah, and I remember that you already got your revenge by stabbing me in the middle finger!" I snapped back.

"That was before you killed me," he said. "For that, I have a bone to pick with you, and so do they! See, when you mess with one Flaptack, you mess with EVERY Flaptack!"

"I'm Fred, Frank's best friend from college," another Spikepecker said. "I'm gonna make you pay for killing him!"

"I'm Fiona, Frank's wife!" the third Spikepecker identified herself. "I'm gonna make you pay!"

"And I'm Felicia, Frank's paramour!" the final Spikepecker said. "I'm gonna make you pay!"

…Okay, that last one came out of left field. Open marriage, I guess?

Baby Luma lifted my cap slightly. "Oh no. More of these birds? No, no, no, I don't want to get stabbed again!"

I narrowed my eyes. "Sit back and just take care of the Star-Spinning. I'll take care of the birds."

There were three clouds between where I was and the far side of the pit, and I had three I could create thanks to the Cloud Flower. Six clouds, four Spikepeckers.

This would be tricky, but I could pull it off.

I ran onto the first cloud, and all four Spiky Spikepeckers homed in on me. Good, waste all your energy and vengeance on one miscalculation….

Frank, Fred, Fiona, and Felicia all flipped upside-down and dove towards me simultaneously. At the last second, I long-jumped towards the next cloud, and the Spikepeckers all vaporized the one I had just been on, then fell into the pit below me. Adios, you losers. I long-jumped to the next cloud and grabbed a Cloud Flower refill I hadn't seen there before.

And that was when it started raining Spikepeckers.

They appeared in the sky and dove spike-first towards me and the clouds ahead of me. What the flip was going on?! One fell through the cloud I was on, barely missing me, but I backflipped at the last second and spun to make another cloud. I looked down just in time to see the Spikepecker vanish once it was several feet below the level of the clouds.

Oh you've got to me flippin' kidding me.

This was ANOTHER WARP FIELD! Like the one Frank's cousin used to menace me in the Cloudy Court Galaxy! WHY?!

Another Spikepecker appeared above me, and I long-jumped onto a "?" block to dodge it. Two Spikepeckers fell through the final cloud ahead of me, getting rid of my next intended site to land. This was ridiculous! As soon as the Spikepeckers fell below the clouds, they vanished back into the warp field and reappeared at some random point above me, ready to fall all over again.

"I'm scared," Baby Luma squealed.

Yeah, so was I!

I long-jumped forward, narrowly dodging one of the Spikepeckers, and Star-Spun to make another cloud. Unfortunately, no sooner did it appear than another one of those godforsaken birds fell through it and vaporized it. I was about to use up my final cloud when another Spiky Spikepecker somehow snagged the back of my overalls on its spike, yanking me down into the warp field with them. Oh come on!

My surroundings vanished in a flash of rainbow colors, then the Spikepecker and I reappeared high above where we were before. I smacked the blue bird. "Get – off – me!"

"Not until you pay for killing my best friend!"

"Yeah, and somehow he's alive once again now, so get the flip over it!"

"Oh, so you think his death doesn't matter? You still jumped on him! All of his internal organs were squashed! His eyeballs ruptured in their sockets! His body was compacted to an infinitesimal size until it tore a hole in the quantum fabric of the universe, and the reaction of living flesh entering the space that lies beyond that metaphysical veil created one of those gold coins you prize so much!"

You know what the worst part of that tirade of stupidity was? That I couldn't definitively say he was making any of it up.

We flashed through the warp field again. "I think I'm gonna be sick," Baby Luma moaned.

"Please don't; the last thing I need is your Star Bit vomit all over my hair. Or if you've gotta hurl, take off my cap and spray it on Spiky Spikepecker here!"

"My name is FRED, you murderer!" the bird shouted.

Suddenly, Baby Luma flew from under my cap and barreled into Fred. His spike came detached from my overalls, tearing off a large chunk of them in the process. The two of them flipped through the air while I fell into the warp field again.

"This is for your cousin stabbing me in the Cloudy Court Galaxy!" Baby Luma squeaked.

The sound of many blows being landed followed, though I couldn't see what was going on thanks to falling into the warp field every two seconds or so. Oh gosh, now I was the one feeling nauseous.

"Frank, Fiona, Felicia, help me!" Fred shouted. "This Luma's going crazy!"

Suddenly, I emerged from the warp field again and fell right onto the "?" block I'd been on before. Oh, ow, why did that landing hurt so much? Well, then again, I had no idea how far I'd technically been falling through all my trips in and out of the warp fields. Probably as far as (or farther than) I fell when I broke my back in the Fiery Flotilla, and I only had the fact that "?" blocks aren't made of a super-sturdy material like metal or stone to thank for my not being paralyzed all over again.

I looked around and saw that the four Spikepeckers were still raining down at random points all over the place. Actually, no, three Spikepeckers, as Baby Luma was still tussling with the fourth. I leapt onto the cloud below the "?" block and grabbed the Cloud Flower refill that was there, then…oh great, how the heck was I gonna get to Baby Luma, since I couldn't create any clouds?

"Baby Luma, I need you!" I shouted. "I can't make any more clouds on my own!"

"I'm a bit busy," Baby Luma chirped as he pushed Fred's spike away from his face.

Suddenly, one of the other Spikepeckers materialized over Baby Luma and Fred, outlined against one of the galaxy's moons.

"Baby Luma, look out!" I shouted.

He looked up, saw the other Spikepecker, and detached himself from Fred just in time. "What the – AAH!" Fred screamed as the falling Spikepecker impaled him, and he in turn impaled the falling Spikepecker. Then both of them screamed, and they hurtled into the lower warp field again.

Well, when you play with warp fields, expect to get warp fielded. And yes, I just made that up.

Baby Luma flew back over to me and hopped under my cap. We long-jumped across the pit, thankfully dodging the Spikepeckers falling between the warp fields, including the screaming duo of Frank and whichever other one were locked in that mutual stabbing.

We landed on the small area at the far side of the pit, where the only objects on interest were Bill Board and a tall shaft leading to a Launch Star. I ignored Bill Board and headed straight for the shaft, hoping to get away from that godforsaken place as soon as possible.

But as soon as I started up the shaft, a…a "portally" noise, is the only way I can think to describe it, came from above me.

Followed by two overlapping screams.

I looked up.

The four Spikepeckers were hurtling down the shaft towards me.

Why couldn't the universe just flippin' play fair for once?!

I leapt out of the shaft at the last second. The Spikepeckers whizzed past me and smashed into the ground, where two of them got stuck, while Fred and his stabber/stabbee tumbled for several feet until they came to a stop. I Star-Spun to make my final cloud, then long-jumped back into the shaft. I got in the Launch Star and flew to the next planet. Hopefully that was the last I'd be seeing of those four nutcases.

The next planet was rather unimpressive and involved being stripped on my Cloud Flower by way of another ridiculously shallow body of water, then having to collect five Star Chips while being harassed by more of those gaseous Evil Marios. Also present was a Comet Medal that cost me a wedge of health due to getting Star-Spun by an Evil Me while dropping back down after jumping to grab it. Not even sure why I grabbed the thing since there was no way in hell I was going back to that galaxy. The first time it was two Spiky Spikepeckers I was dealing with, and defeating the first one didn't even give me any trouble. This time it was four. This had all the appearances of an exponential function, which meant next time I'd be up against eight of those devils, probably with like fifty warp fields boxing me in on all sides.

Getting in the Launch Star on that planet led me to another one, which looked quite a bit like the Starting Planet. Same grass-stone-dirt design, another Cloud Flower, some preexisting clouds, and…oh yeah, another damn Spiky Spikepecker!

I snagged the checkpoint flag at the start of the planet, grabbed the Cloud Flower, and ran past the Spiky Spikepecker, hoping maybe he wouldn't notice me.

"Hey, you!" he said. "Get over here! You're the one who killed Frank, aren't you?"

I stopped. So much for sneaking past him. Now it was time for my backup plan: lying. "Uh, no, that was my brother Luigi," I said. "He looks just like me. I, uh, chewed him out for it after he did it, and he apologized for it and said he would not be killing any more of you guys going forward."

"That's a crock of crap! Everyone knows Luigi looks nothing like you!"

…

"Oops, did I say Luigi? I meant Weegee. Yeah, he's this third brother we have that no one really knows about, but sometimes he substitutes for me on my adventures."

"That's a crock of crap too! Everyone knows Weegee is just that meme of Luigi giving Bowser the evil eye during one of your Mario Kart races!"

Why did this guy have to be so knowledgeable?!

"Whoops, did I say Weegee? I meant-"

"Stop the lying! I'm Frank's family's therapist; I'm literally trained to see through lies!"

I groaned. "Why the heck do you care so flippin' much about Frank? You're not his best friend or anything like that other guy was, so what is your deal with him being dead?!"

"Oh, it's not that he's dead; it's that you killed him. I mean, was he a two-timing scumbag who ditched his loving wife of twenty years for that slut Felicia? Sure, but that didn't give you the right to kill him!"

Geez, someone was clearly Therapist's Pet. And moreover, who the heck said it was okay for Bowser's minions to have actual backstories?

I ran past Spiky Spikepecker and leapt atop a nearby Bomp. Bomps, the oft-forgotten members of the Thwomp family. Probably because they aren't as lethal as Thwomps or Whomps and can only indirectly kill me by shoving me off ledges.

Spiky Spikepecker followed me over to the Bomp, and just as he was about to fall, I leapt onto a cloud next to the Bomp. Spiky Spikepecker did a spikedive right onto the Bomp as it started to retract into the cliffside. The Bomp groaned in pain and repeatedly slammed Spiky Spikepecker into the cliffside above his little hidey-hole. "Ow!" the bird squawked. "Dude, it was…an accident! Ow! Why do Bomps take…everything so personally? You know, sir, this looks like…a sign of a lot of pent-up aggression…you're sitting on. If you'll stop slamming me…against the cliff, I'd be happy…to schedule you a therapy session…for free!"

The Bomp clearly wanted nothing to do with a shrink, as he kept whamming Spiky Spikepecker into the cliffside.

It's always fun to watch Bowser's minions turn on each other.

I used another Bomp to climb up to the clifftop, where I found more of the same fluffy bluffy garbage that was present everywhere else in the galaxy.

A Cloud Flower? Check.

A Whittle? Check.

Another contender for the title of Shallowest Pool in All of Existence? Check.

I ran past the Piranha Plants that were also present, the Whittle called out, "Leafy hint! Press B. Shoot Star Bit! Shoot Star Bit at enemy…. Make dizzy! Kick enemy…. Enemy fly bye-bye!"

Let's take that one thing at a time.

First off, what exactly makes a hint "leafy"?

Second, again with the claims that I can use Star Bits to stun enemies, but no solid explanation of how to do that. And yes, I know I somehow manage it when I feed a Hungry Luma, but that feels more like them sucking a bunch of Star Bits I collected out of the ether than me actively feeding them Star Bits. Which brings us to….

Third: "Press B." I assumed that was another command for that stupid "Wii Remote" thing, but I had NO IDEA how I was supposed to pull it off.

So yeah, thanks for being useless, you splintery bobblehead…you Splinterbob.

Dang it, that's what I should've called them. Splinterbobs. Once I finish my adventure, I gotta try to convince the BOMKS to call these guys Splinterbobs and make sure the BOMKS never gets wind of their real names being Whittles.