Chapter 64: Baby Don't Ertme No More

So as I flew towards the Supermassive Galaxy, I could see right away that it was set in a bright blue sky with some clouds, and – as expected – all the features of the Starting Planet were giant. Brick Blocks, a Goomba, Thwomps, even a flippin' Luma. Great. I had to hope this guy wasn't a Lubba loyalist, or else I knew he'd be giving me a royal-sized beatdown.

I never thought the day would come that I'd be more scared of a side character like a Luma than an actual minion of Bowser's, like the giant Thwomps on the Starting Planet. Heck, I never would've thought saving Peach from Bowser would feel like a subplot, but several times already on this adventure it had felt like that was clearly taking a backseat to my unending conflict with Lubba. Which, again, had hopefully finally ended now.

I landed atop a giant Brick Block at the start of the planet, near the giant Luma. Further on was a giant Goomba, coin, "?" block, a trio of Warp Pipes, one with an accordingly-sized Piranha Plant intermittently emerging from it, and the two aforementioned Thwomps.

Well, this place was looking lovely.

No sooner did I land than the giant Luma damn near blew my eardrums out by screaming, "WE GROW 'EM BIG HERE! WATCH OUT!"

Geez, dude, inside voice! On the bright side, I'll take the fact that he was warning me to watch out as a sign that he was on my side. Either that, or his warning was a false show of goodwill, and his true objective was to deafen me.

In which case…well, I wasn't totally deaf, but I'd be screwed if those Beep Blocks from Super Mario 3D Land and Super Mario 3D World happened to make an appearance here.

I collected several Star Bits nearby and ran towards the giant Goomba. As I approached him, I saw that behind him, hovering over a pit between two super-sized blocks, was the galaxy's Comet Medal. Huh, and here I thought that would be supermassive too.

Dare I speculate what sort of Prankster Comet I'd be pitted against in this place?

I glanced up at the giant Thwomps. Probably a Fast Foe Comet that would require me to somehow run under both of them in, like, half a second. That was certainly the most sadistic (and, thus, most probable) scenario I could think of, given the small portion of the galaxy I'd seen so far.

The giant Goomba turned and ran towards me. For such a big dude, he sure didn't move a heck of a lot faster than a standard Goomba. I Star-Spun into him, and he flipped upside-down and spun across the ground. But before I could deal a second blow to finish him off, he fell off the edge of the planet. Okay, that was unexpected but kinda hilarious.

Next I long-jumped across the gap the Comet Medal was hovering over to grab the shiny object. Not that I really wanted to come back here and risk the Fast Foe scenario I described above, but hey, if I needed one more Power Star to unlock Bowser's final base and it came down to Fast Foes in the Supermassive Galaxy or Bowser Jr.'s Multiversal Crapfest Speed Run, I think you know which one I would choose.

It seemed that next I needed to climb up the giant "?" block nearby, but it was way too high for me to backflip or jump or…wait a second. The giant coin rotating next to it stopped spinning when it was parallel to the block…just long enough, it seemed, for me to wall-jump between the coin and the block. Wall-jump up the coin and block I did, finally landing atop the block.

Next up were the three Warp Pipes I saw from the beginning of the planet, which I could now see were filled with dirt. I leapt onto the first one, then waited for the Piranha Plant to descend back into the second one and leapt on there too. The third Warp Pipe rose and descended up to a higher area of the planet, so I leapt on the rim when it lowered towards me again.

At the top of the Warp Pipe was another Brick Block, and on it was….

You've got to be kidding me.

Another one of those stupid TVs from Bowser Jr.'s Fiery Flotilla and wherever the heck else I've encountered them. None of their other appearances have been particularly memorable compared to an entire planet of lava being blown up in an electric shockwave, followed suit by me falling, like, 200 feet and breaking my back.

Also present was Bill Board, who was back to dispensing useless advice after that brief stint of usefulness back in the Rolling Masterpiece Galaxy. "Run fast!" he proclaimed. Ahead of me was a gap, on the far side of which was a set of blocks leading up to the two Thwomps. Yeah, no kidding I had to run fast…and then long-jump, which he was leaving out. What, did he think that just running fast would magically teleport me over the gap?

See, this right here is why I don't trust the words of Bill Board.

I long-jumped across the gap, and only once I had already started my jump did Bill bother to call out, "Duck quickly with Z and jump with A!"

Yeah, whatever. More of those weird instructions, and belated weird instructions at that. And when I landed on the far side, another Bill Board waiting for me said, "Nice jump!"

I looked from one board to the other, then back again. Huh. Never before had I seen two Bill Boards in such close proximity to each other…or I think even in two different places in the same level, period. What, had he cloned himself or something? Wouldn't exactly surprise me, because I'm fairly certain Bowser clones at least a significant portion of the Koopa Troop. You can't tell me that he's seriously got, like, 10 million Goombas lounging around his kingdom just waiting to become cannon fodder at a moment's notice.

Upon closer inspection, I could see that there was a small gap between the two Thwomps. Okay, so I wouldn't have to run under both of them at once. Well, that made it a bit more manageable.

I made it past without incident, and on the far side of the second Thwomp were a checkpoint flag and a Launch Star. I wall-jumped off the side of the second Thwomp and into the Launch Star, then flew to the next planet. Said planet involved using a Spin Drill to burrow through the planet and defeat three oversized Koopa Troopas wandering around the place, which in turn caused a Launch Star to appear.

The Launch Star shot me through a gargantuan Warp Pipe to the next planet, but the pipe seemed to serve no purpose because it didn't actually warp me anywhere. And, you know, it's in the name, that's what Warp Pipes are supposed to do. Heck, the three on the Starting Planet shouldn't have been called Warp Pipes either, since they were filled in with dirt. Come to think of it, how do regular-sized Piranha Plants grow in regular-sized Warp Pipes? Those things aren't filled with dirt; they're empty. So what the flip do those Piranha Plants take root in?

Yeah, I know, it's a complete waste of time to ponder these questions that have no logical answers.

The next planet had another checkpoint flag and Luma, along with a giant Paragoomba and…what the flip? The "ground" of the first half of the planet was made up of a bunch of mega-sized Star Chips. Was I going to have to form a giant Launch Star? And if so, was there a Mega Mushroom around here somewhere that I could use to render said giant Launch Star usable?

I leapt on the first Star Chip. Nothing happened; I didn't collect it or anything. In hindsight, I was glad that didn't happen, because that would've just left me to fall into the…sky(?) and lose a life. So…what, the Star Chips were just a strange, misleading decorating choice?

Then I almost had a heart attack and fell off the Star Chip I was on when the giant Luma next to me shrieked, "YOUR SPIN WILL WORK EVEN ON THESE BIG GUYS! TRY IT!"

I staggered backwards and fell on my butt. Man, why the flip did everyone here feel the need to talk so loudly? Heck, Bowser was a hell of a lot bigger than these guys, and even he found it in him to talk at a reasonable volume during our encounter in his Lava Lair.

I leapt onto the next Star Chip and Star-Spun a giant Paragoomba floating by. He flipped upside-down and lost his wings, and then I kicked him into oblivion.

The path of Star Chips I was on led to another section of blocks that presented no apparent hazards, so I took a second to get my bearings. Ahead of me were two more giant Piranha Plants, followed by a pair of giant Paragoombas and a set of similar-sized lifts. That led to a Launch Star. Floating in the distance was another planet, this one cylindrical and made of stone. It looked like I would have to traverse the inside of the planet, on several pathways that were dominated by Big Wigglers.

Oh, right, I forgot I was slated to come across them at some point in this level.

Well, they weren't green like the Gelato Beach Wiggler, but several at the far end of the cylinder were red and angry, which was something I'd never seen before from Big Wigglers. So…neither of my predictions about the Wigglers I'd be up against were entirely correct.

Come to think of it, the planet looked a bit like the Cyclone Stone from the Beach Bowl Galaxy in my first galactic adventure. Which, if I recall correctly, was plagued by a Fast Foe Comet at one point, one that involved me traversing the Cyclone Stone with the Tox Boxes and Thwomps moving a heck of a lot faster. So yeah, just more evidence that the same type of comet would be coming to this galaxy sooner or later.

I leapt across the two Piranha Plant-inhabited Warp Pipes with no trouble, and then came to the first of the two remaining Paragoombas. Dealing with him was a breeze, as was making it across the three columns of lifts that led to the Launch Star.

Only the Launch Star didn't shoot me to the Big Wiggler planet like I'd thought it would. Nope; instead it shot be up towards a small, grassy planet that I hadn't even noticed before. What the flip was this place? Nothing about the planet was supermassive; in fact, I could probably put it in a list of the Top 10 Smallest Planets I've Ever Been On. Oh, and I didn't even land on the planet itself; I landed in another Launch Star hovering just above the planet. Which confirmed my suspicion that this planet was pointless, because there was nothing else on it, and the Power Star was at the end of the Wiggler Planet. I Star-Spun again to activate the Launch Star I'd landed in and get off that weird excuse for a planet. The only thing that seemed supermassive about it was that it was supermassively boring. Which, honestly, part of me wouldn't put past Bowser as a reason for him to insert that planet in this galaxy.

I landed at the start of the Wiggler planet and snagged the next checkpoint flag. At the far end of the planet was a pole with the Power Star atop it, but standing in my way were three pairs of Wigglers – two docile, one angry – occupying the planet's pathways. The three paths the Wigglers took were linked by short stone bridges, but the pole with the Power Star atop it was located in a ring of smaller, disconnected sections of stone. Like it had once been another stone ring, but it had been smashed apart. Probably by one of the angry Wigglers, if that was the case.

I waited for a gap in the first pair of Wigglers, then got in behind one of them and walked behind it towards the bridge connecting the first two rings of the planet.

And then, in what I thought was an incredibly low blow, even by the abysmal standards the universe usually plays by with me, the Wiggler in front of me FARTED! I was blasted backwards, and barely got up in time to avoid being trampled by the Wiggler following him.

"Oops. Guess I shouldn't've eaten all those baked beans earlier," Fartsy said.

"Wait, it was you who ate all the baked beans?" one of the Wigglers in the second loop asked. "I put my name on them for a reason! They were mine!"

"Ohh, you wrote 'Ertme' on the can? I thought it said 'Eat me.'"

"NO!"

"I keep telling you, you've gotta stop making your r's weird like that," the Wiggler who'd almost run me over said.

"Well, it's not my fault that Kamek was drunk the day he showed us how to make a cursive 'r,'" Ertme protested.

Oh.

My.

GOSH!

WHY did I have to get stuck on this planet with not only six Big Wigglers, but six TALKATIVE Big Wigglers?!

"Oh, hey, did you hear what happened yesterday?" the other Big Wiggler in the second ring said. "There was some sort of craziness happening at Prince Junior's Fearsome Fleet. Pirate ships and a swarm of insects…."

"Do tell," Trampler said.

"Well, I just did tell. That's all I know. I heard the big Paragoombas out there talking about it this morning. Sounds like it made the front page of The Galaxy Times."

I ducked out of the first ring and onto the bridge to the second ring.

"I bet Mario was to blame," Ertme said.

"Yeah, Mario's always to blame," Eavesdropper said.

"I'm right here!" I shouted as I cut in behind Ertme and headed in the opposite direction.

"I wish Mario would stop screwing up King Bowser's awesome plans," Fartsy said.

See, this is the one thing I've never understood about Wigglers: under normal circumstances, they never seem to be aware I'm there. I could be standing right in front of them, they could run into me, and nothing. But the second I jump on them, all bets are off for several seconds and they chase me down...until they calm down, and then go back to thinking I don't exist.

"Mario sucks," Ertme said. "Come on, guys, join in! Mario sucks! Mario sucks!"

Soon all four docile Wigglers were chanting it, and the angry ones even appeared to be angrily grunting along. "Mario sucks! Mario sucks! Mario sucks!"

Welp, I suppose it's not truly an adventure of mine until my enemies burst out in an anti-Mario song. At least this time it wasn't being set to the level's music, though, so I guess that was something. My personal least favorites are that stupid "A-Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa (Mario's a Big Baby)" that the Li'l Burps taunted me with during my battle with Baron Burp in the Freezeflame Galaxy, and "Screw You, Mario" from New Super Mario Bros. 2 (which wasn't exceedingly aggravating lyrically, but grated on my nerves more than basically any other anti-Mario song because of the fact that it was sung at me in every damn castle I entered).

I crossed the second bridge, and waited on it for a gap in the two angry Wigglers. Once one passed by, I ran behind it and long-jumped across the gap between that ring and the stone platform the Power Star pole was on.

"Mario sucks! Mario sucks! Mario sucks!"

I leapt onto the pole and shinnied up it towards the Power Star.

"Mario sucks! Mario sucks! Mario sucks!"

At the top of the pole, I leapt into the air and grabbed the Power Star, glad to be leaving this dump. It wasn't exactly one of the harder galaxies I'd been to, but at the same time, I didn't plan on ever returning there. Because, you know:

"Mario sucks! Mario sucks! Mario sucks!"

A/N: Next up: "Flip-Flopping in Flipsville," another run-in with the Not-Toad Brigade, and Star Bunny's revenge!