A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I last updated. I've been busy with college and other stuff, and then around Thanksgiving my computer crashed and I lost my original versions of these chapters, which I'd almost completed (that'll teach me to back up everything going forward so this doesn't happen again). Then cue a couple weeks of not feeling motivated to get back in the saddle and rewrite the chapters, followed by being busy with the holidays, and now here we are. Without further ado, please read, review, and enjoy!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 68: Purple Reign

When I came to, I was still in Percy and Yoshi's bedroom, which could hardly be called a bedroom at this point. The furniture that was in it had been smashed and splintered beyond recognition, part of the ceiling had been ripped away, and water was cascading through the larger-than-ever hole leading to the helm.

Oh, and my nose still hurt where Star Bunny had blasted it with his…what did he call it, Purpleforce? Gosh dang it, why the flip couldn't those purple flames just have killed him like I thought they did? No, of course they had to go and give him superpowers, because that's just my luck.

And then, over the sound of the waterfall cascading into the room, I heard the sounds of…fighting? coming from outside the Starship. Who the flip was fighting? The Toad Brigade versus whatever members of the Koopa Troop inhabited the planet we'd crashed on? Or had Star Bunny returned and he was blasting the Toads to kingdom come?

I stumbled through the doorway into the hall and ran towards the helm. More water poured down the stairs leading abovedeck, and twice on the way up I slipped and smashed my nose right on the edge of a step.

So it goes without saying that by the time I reached the helm, I was completely out of what little patience I had left after Star Bunny's ambush, and promptly screamed a string of expletives at the universe when I saw what was going on outside.

The sounds of fighting were coming from LUBBA AND HIS CRONIES, who were battling Yoshi, Percy, and a group of Piantas. The Toad Brigade, meanwhile, was nowhere to be seen.

Okay, let's take these problems one at a time.

One, how the flip had Lubba and the other Lumas escaped? We stuffed them down that Warp Pipe and then I corked it!

That was when I saw that part of the Starship's side had also been torn open, and inside I saw the red curtains of Lumalee's room. Yeah, you can't tell me Star Bunny didn't intentionally plan this attack to make sure that his partners in crime were freed when the Starship crashed.

Oh, and speaking of Lumalee, he was among the Lumas fighting alongside Lubba, using his two giant batons to whack Piantas over the head. Well, it sure hadn't taken Lubba long to make Lumalee fall to the Dark Side.

Now for the second problem: the presence of the Piantas. It seemed like, for the time being, they were on my side, but I highly doubted how long that would last, given that Piantas and I have always had a…complicated relationship, to say the least. Every single one of them has hated me ever since that little brat Bowser Jr. framed me for vandalizing Isle Delfino back in 2002, even though I was officially declared not guilty of vandalism. Even though I took the pains to clean up all the graffiti around the island I hadn't even created. Even though Peach issued a royal decree ordering all the Piantas in the Mushroom Kingdom to stop pelting me with rotten fruit whenever they passed me in the streets. Even though Junior literally fessed up to having been behind the graffiti, that he was the one who vandalized that stupid island and you idiots seriously thought I was Mario, I was blue for crying out loud, bahaha long live evil peace out, whatever the heck his stupid bad guy monologue was.

"Forward, my brethren!" a Blue Luma squealed. "Destroy these Piantas! FOR DEAN!"

Dean? Dean who? Dean Winchestoad from Supernatural?

…It was really sad that I couldn't even rule that out as a possibility anymore, given all the multiversal nonsense I'd been subjected to over the past week.

I was getting ready to leap off the helm and join the battle when Bartholomew came staggering up the side of the ship, bracing himself with his Extendable 8-Foot Spear. I glared at him and pointed to the battle. "Uh…where have you been?"

"Puking," he said uneasily. "It was disgusting. It just…it wouldn't stop coming. I was, like, projectile vomiting all over the place. It was like that scene in The Exorcist, but ten times worse. Like-"

I waved my hands. "Okay, fine, I get the picture. Where the heck is the rest of the Brigade? Are they hurling too?"

Bartholomew glanced around. "Huh. I don't know. I'm sure they're around somewhere."

I threw my arms in the air. "'I'm sure they're around somewhere'? Some leader you are!"

Bartholomew pointed an accusing finger at me. "Look who's talking! You're the captain of this Starship. Captains are supposed to be motivating, to inspire teamwork and cooperation. But with you we're constantly putting down one mutiny after another!"

"Yeah, and it's not my fault Lubba is certifiably insane!"

Bartholomew glared at me for another second, then shrugged. "Yeah, I guess you got a point there." He twirled his spear around and aimed it towards the Lumas. "Alright. Let's go kick their butts so hard that Star Bits squirt out their noses!" He turned to me. "Do Lumas have noses?"

Leave it to a Toad to, against all odds, come up with a battle cry that actually sounds intimidating, then punctuate it with something completely pathetic like that.

Below us, one of the Piantas swatted a Luma out of the air with a wooden club, but then two more grabbed him by the arms and hauled him into the air. Lumalee floated up and started beating up the restrained Pianta with his batons.

"You leave Head Honcho Piancho alone, you jerks!" one of the other Piantas shouted.

Oh, and that's another thing I can't stand about Piantas: their leader is called a "Head Honcho." It's not a slang term, it's their literal title.

Hmm. Come to think of it, maybe my repeated mockery of the term has something to do with Piantas hating me.

Bartholomew leapt into the shallow water coating most of the planet. I went to follow, but suddenly something kicked me in the back. I went flying in the opposite direction and landed face-first in the water, getting a mouthful of water and sand. I spat it out and sat up. What the flip? Had one of the Lumas snuck up on me somehow?

Oh, if only.

I turned around and saw – oh great.

Star Bunny!

"So, I see you survived the crash-landing, boiyoing!" he said, rubbing his stubby little paws together. "Time for me to finish the job myself!" He shot his laser eyes at me again. I got up and tried to run, but that only made my situation worse. See, if I'd stayed where I was, the lasers would've hit me right between the eyes and might've put me out of my misery, but getting up put them on a collision course with my rear end.

"OW!" I cried as my butt exploded in pain and I was propelled through the air towards the Luma-Pianta battle. Oh come on, this was basically the same thing that happened when I got in that Launch Star to try to get away from Cad Bane as he tried to shoot me back at Junior's Fearsome Fleet!

I flew into one of the Lumas restraining Head Honcho Piancho, causing the other one to lose his grip and drop Piancho. Meanwhile, I landed several yards away, with the Luma I'd been thrown into landing beneath me and cushioning my fall.

"Hey, buster…get off me!" he said. "You're squashing me here!"

What, and he expected me to feel bad for him?

Suddenly, I was levitated in the air. I looked down to see Star Bunny wiggling his ears, presumably using some sort of telekinesis to pull off the feat. "Let's see…which limb should I pull off first, boiyoing?" he chirruped. "An arm…a leg…."

Yoshi, who was behind Star Bunny, shot his tongue at the rabbit. But Star Bunny grabbed the tip of his tongue without even looking behind him, and charged it with a bolt of purple energy. It raced down Yoshi's tongue, blasting him backwards screaming.

Lubba turned to Star Bunny and gasped. "Sam, is that you? You're alive! I though Mario killed yo – OW!"

Head Honcho Piancho whacked Lubba in the back with his club, sending him floating away. "Oh oh oh!" the Pianta laughed. "Take that, loser!"

Star Bunny raised a paw and snapped his fingers, or whatever the heck you call them on a rabbit. Piancho's club suddenly glowed purple and levitated, then bonked Piancho on the head. "Ow," he moaned.

The club went to hit him again, and he ran away from it. But the club floated after him, repeatedly hitting him over the head. And each time it hit him, it sang, "How you like me now?"

I know the Piantas were technically on my side here, but I was finding it really hard to feel bad for Piancho, especially after the time a Pianta had stood on a rooftop right above me and dropped a jackfruit smack dab onto my head.

And, more importantly, Star Bunny had an actual name? Sam?

Sam the Star Bunny and Dean whoever-the-flip-Dean-was?

*Supernatural vibes intensify*

Star Bunny – Sam, whatever – then turned back to me. "Now time to finish you off, boiyoi – OOF!"

Suddenly, an orb of green fire exploded right next to Sam, flinging him into the sad remains of Starship Mario's nose…which were probably a pretty accurate reflection of what my nose looked like after Sam had laser-blasted it. I fell to the planet with a splash, and looked in the direction the attack had come from.

About thirty feet away, a glowing purple portal snapped shut, leaving behind nine figures on the planet. At the front of the group was a woman with bluish-purple hair, another bright green fireball above one of her hands, and eyes glowing the same color. Also present were a few folks who looked to varying degrees like witches, a woman with a crossbow, a purple unicorn (?), a purple vampire-puppet-thing, a guy wearing a purple shirt with the number 8 on it (call me crazy, but I got the sense they were going for a particular color scheme here), and-.

"YOU!" I shouted at Waluigi. Aha! So if he was with this group, they weren't here to bail me out after all – they probably just wanted Sam out of the way so they could kill me themselves for whatever obscure, asinine grievance they had against me. I pointed at Waluigi. "Get over here, you cackling crapsack!"

Waluigi turned to the green-eyed woman. "You weren't kidding when you said this variant's cranky. The Mario I know is always so happy and cheerful, always saying stuff like 'Let's-a go!' and 'It's-a me, Mario!' It's infuriating." He nodded towards me. "This is my kind of Mario."

…Was he drunk or something? The words coming out of his mouth were sounding even stupider than normal, which is really saying something.

Lubba held up an appendage, and the Lumas stopped fighting. Sam got up, purple energy swirling around his paws, but stood still. Meanwhile, Head Honcho Piancho was now halfway across the planet, still running from his possessed club. Lubba floated towards the newcomers. "Who are you and what do you want?" he demanded.

The woman with the green eyes, who seemed to be the leader of the group, strode forward, the glow in her eyes diminishing slightly. "My name is Queen Mal of Auradon, of Earth-85."

Earth-85? Oh no, oh God no, don't even tell me this was more multiverse B.S.! I wasn't naïve enough to think that I'd be able to get away with never having to deal with these alternate universes again, given that the level of my hatred for any particular gimmick I come across on my adventures seems to be directly proportional to how often I come across said gimmick, but come on, I thought I'd have at least a few more weeks off before I ran into my next stranger from a strange universe.

Mal pointed to Star Bunny. "We're here for him, Sam the Star Bunny of Earth-6488." Well, that matched up, since I'm pretty sure that's what Deadpool's friends called this universe back at Junior's Fearsome Fleet. "He stole the Purpleforce from us, and we're here to apprehend him and get it back."

…Okay, so they were on my side? But Waluigi was with them! Or was this a non-evil version of Waluigi or something? Argh, this was making my head hurt!

"You killed Barney!" the unicorn shouted at Sam, stamping her hooves. "And Donatello! And Grimace! They didn't deserve that!"

"I wasn't trying to kill Barney, boiyoing; I was trying to kill Mal!" Sam argued. "And I didn't kill Grimace; Donatello's staff did!"

Oh my gosh, I had no idea what the flip they were talking about, and even I could tell that those pathetic excuses for defenses didn't hold a flippin' drop of water!

"Yeah, and the staff only flew out of Donatello's grasp because you Purpleforce-blasted his teenage mutant ninja ass," the dude in the "8" shirt said.

"Are we gonna stand around talking all day or get back to fighting already?" Percy quacked. "Come on, I want to beat up some more Lumas!"

"Shut up!" a Luma shouted at him.

"You shut up, you load of QUACK!"

The Luma gasped. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"No, I don't, because you motherQUACKing Lumas killed her when I was a baby!"

Welp, that got real dark real fast. I guess, if nothing else, it certainly put Percy's hatred of Lumas into perspective.

"You're not taking Sam. I won't let you," Lubba said. "If he took this Purpleforce, I'm sure he had a good reason for it. Lumas, resume fighting! These fools are no match for us!"

Sam kicked me in the back, and I flopped forward into the water again. I spun around to face him. "Dude, if you give me a mouthful of sand one more time, I swear-"

A piece of glowing purple duct tape materialized over my mouth. Sam mockingly cupped a paw to his ear – don't even ask me how he pulled off that feat of contortion, given how tiny his paws are and how tall his ears are. "You'll…what, boiyoing? Hmm? I couldn't quite make that out."

Suddenly, several tendrils of a black, smoky substance blasted from the seafloor around Sam. I turned around to see one of the purple witch ladies with her arm extended towards Sam, seemingly controlling his restraints. "Mal, use the Purpleforce Drainer now!" she said. "I can't…hold him much longer!"

"You can't hold me any longer, boiyoing!" Sam broke his paws through the shadowy vines and fired a bolt of energy at the witch. At the last second, one of the other likely-witches lunged in the path of the attack, and a pinkish-purple energy blade materialized from her hand, shearing Sam's attack in half.

Meanwhile, Waluigi and the woman with the crossbow had joined the battle with the Lumas, the former throwing predictably sloppy punches at the low-flying Lumas and the latter sniping higher-flying ones with her crossbow. Mal, the witches, the unicorn, the guy with the "8" shirt, and the vampire puppet ignored the Lumas entirely and headed for Sam.

Mal hurled another green fireball at Sam, but he flicked his paw and the attack flew off-course into the middle of the Piantas' ranks. Several of them were flung to the ground. "Forward!" Lubba shouted. "Forward, Lumas! We can still win this! For Dean!"

Again, who. The flip. Is Dean?!

The purple unicorn flew into the air, and her horn started glowing rainbow colors. Then she shot a beam from it at Sam, who hopped aside and materialized a purple lasso in his grasp. He flung it around the unicorn's horn and yanked her towards him, then Star-Spun her in the face. One of the witches shot purple-black energy at Sam, but he redirected the unicorn into their path, blasting her away in the direction of Piancho and the club.

I fumbled around with the magic duct tape over my mouth, but it refused to come off. Come on! I'm no use in a battle without my superpower of throwing snarky taunts at the enemy!

Then, out of nowhere, Bartholomew leapt at Sam from behind and, against all odds, managed to land a blow to the back of the rabbit's head with the butt of his Extendable 8-Foot Spear. "Take that, you pest!" he exclaimed. "And how about some of this too!" He raised the spear to whack Sam over the head with it again, but the rabbit raised a paw. The Extendable 8-Foot Spear disintegrated, and Bartholomew floated into the air above the Pianta-Luma battle. "Hey guys, here I am!" he said. "Come and beat me up while I'm all defenseless-like. Hey, fun fact about me, when I get really really nervous, I wet myself. Like I'm doing right now. Because I'm a coward!"

"Telekinesis is fun, boiyoing," Sam chirped. Then he turned to me. "Now to finish you off."

The woman with the energy sword lunged towards Sam and slashed at him, but he sidestepped and formed a purple blade of his own that he clashed against hers. More smoky tendrils sprang from the seafloor and coiled around him. He slashed through several of them with his blade, but for every one he cut, another one appeared to replace it. The girl who appeared to be controlling them squeezed her fists, and the tendrils tightened. "Mal, the Drainer – now!"

Mal reached into one of her pockets and pulled out what looked like a TV remote. She pointed it at Sam and went to press a button on it….

…and then Sam fired his laser eyes, which weren't covered by the shadow vines, right at the Purpleforce Drainer. It shot from Mal's grasp straight through the head of a giant Pianta statue, finally landing halfway across the planet in a small, wooden, hilltop hut. Are you flippin' kidding me?!

Piancho, still being assaulted by his club several small islands away, shouted, "No! The statue – OW! – of Head Honcho – OW! – Piancho – OW! – the Sixth – OW!"

Seriously? Counting him, they've had at least seven Head Honchos named Piancho? How flippin' common is that name among Piantas?

Meanwhile, 8-Shirt Guy and the VamPuppet (as I'm calling them for now) were being accosted by more Lumas, while most of the Piantas were still recovering from the green fireball Sam redirected at them. The puppet didn't even look like he was trying to fight back; he was just standing around watching the Lumas and saying, "Let's count how many Lumas there are here. One, two, three, four…." Most of the Lumas were steering clear of Crossbow Lady, but two had grabbed the ends of Waluigi's ridiculously long mustache and were tying them in a knot under his chin while several other Lumas held him down.

Suddenly, Sam released another one of those Purpleforce EMP things, like the one he'd used to crash Starship Mario. Mal, the witches, and I were flung backwards, and the tendrils around Sam vanished.

This Purpleforce was getting on my nerves real fast here, primarily because it didn't even give Sam a specified set of powers that we could figure out how to fight back against. It was basically just, "So, you can use these powers to do whatever the hell you want – fry electrical systems, shoot lasers, possess inanimate objects, etc. – and your only restriction is that the energy you fire off will always be purple!"

Sam leered at me. "And now, boiyoing, your time is up!"