Chapter 70: Various and Sundry Stupidity

Not long after that, Mal and Piancho returned without the Lumas, and then the Purpleforce Council left with Sam. Hopefully that would be the last I'd see of that gosh dang Star Bunny, but even as I thought it, I knew full well that that was a pie in the sky.

With that all taken care of, I went over to Head Honcho Piancho and asked, "Hey, do you have a computer around here I can borrow? We need to order a bunch of supplies from UPS to fix the Starship."

And much to my chagrin, Piancho gasped. Great; I had a sinking feeling about what was coming next.

Sure enough, he proclaimed, "Of course we don't have any computers! Computers are the work of the devil!"

First no TV and now no computers?! What the flip was wrong with these guys?

"Well, then how do you order stuff if you have no computers?" I asked.

"By mailing letters, of course," Piancho replied. "But even that is an exceedingly rare occurrence around here, given that our civilization is almost entirely self-sustaining."

Well, continuing my time-honored tradition of making up new, more accurate names for galaxies (e.g. Baby Blocks Galaxy, Shop Class Galaxy), it was time to rename the Starshine Beach Galaxy. And henceforth, I would be referring to this place instead as the The Village Galaxy.

After that I headed back over to the Starship and relayed the sour news to the Toad Brigade. Bartholomew groaned, "Are you serious? Snail mail? That's gonna take forever! And I don't even know how to write a letter! How would I address it? 'Dear UPS'? 'Howdy UPS'? 'Good morrow UPS'?"

I was no letter-writing savant myself, but I was pretty sure that last option was out. I was on the fence about "howdy," but at the very least it didn't make him sound like a constipated old fart like Toadsworth.

Suddenly, Baby Luma flew from under my cap. "I think I have an idea to make this go a lot faster," he squeaked. "Toad Brigade, you weren't there, but Mario, do you remember when you first arrived on Starship Mario, and…Lubba," he practically spat the name, "used the energy from your first Power Star to transform the Starship?"

Wait, that was how Starship Mario transformed? I'd always been puzzled about that, and I sure as heck didn't recall any indicators that Lubba was siphoning the Power Star's energy to redesign the Starship.

"Okay…," I said, not sure where Baby Luma was going with this.

"Well, maybe if we find a Power Star in this galaxy, we can use it to fix the Starship and get out of here faster."

"Yeah, but Lubba pulled off that trick last time. And there's no way in hell I'm springing him free just so he can do it again, and probably use that energy to vaporize me too while he's at it."

"I think I could do it too," Baby Luma said. "All Lumas share a special connection with Power Stars. Power Stars are the form that the luckiest few Lumas take when they grow up, after all."

"They are?" That was news to me, and yet sadly did not strike me as weird in the slightest given everything else that had happened to me recently.

"Yeah. Mama never told you?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I never met your mother! What exactly are you implying here? You're not gonna swindle child support payments out of me, you little thief!"

Baby Luma raised his appendages. "What are you talking about? Mama. You know, Rosalina. The lady who helped you stop Bowser's universal conquest several years ago?"

Wait, Baby Luma called Rosalina his "Mama"? Was she the same "Mama" he was screaming for when he abandoned me to go flying after that comet back in the Flip-Swap Galaxy? And…wait, was that comet the Comet Observatory then?

Sheesh. So close, yet so far.

But seriously, I had no idea she was the Lumas' mother. I do vaguely recall that there was a lot more mythos and worldbuilding and lore and stuff in my first galactic adventure than in basically any other adventure I'd gone on over the years, but most of said worldbuilding I straight-up ignored because I don't go on these adventures to learn about people's random backstories, I go on them to rescue Peach and get back home as quickly as possible. It also probably didn't help that most of said worldbuilding was conveyed to me by Rosalina, and whenever she was talking to me I was too busy gazing into her eyes to focus on what she was saying.

Wait a minute.

I crossed my arms at Baby Luma. "If you can channel Power Star energy to fix the Starship, why didn't you do that any of the other times the Starship got wrecked? You know, like when I flipped it upside-down, or after any of the battles with Lubba and his cronies."

Even though he didn't have a mouth, I could tell Baby Luma was scowling at me. "Because you could stand to do some physical labor and help fix the ship, Mario. Especially after you flipped the ship, because that was 100% your fault."

I was taken aback. "I do physical labor every day! What else would you call these stupid adventures I keep getting forced to go on?"

"Well, then you clearly aren't getting enough, given that you still have a perpetual condescending attitude towards it."

I glared at Baby Luma.

He glared back.

"Oh-kay, guys," Bartholomew said, wedging his way between us. "I think what we all need right now is some R&R. It's been a stressful day for all of us. Our nerves are frayed. Let's take some time to recuperate and collect ourselves for the rest of the day. I think we've earned it."

"You're right," Baby Luma said. "Fighting with ourselves gets us nowhere. We've got more important things to deal with. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go meditate for several hours."

Well, that was quite the contradiction. "I agree that we have more important things to deal with," I said, "but how exactly is meditating one of them?"

"Because if I'm going to fix the Starship, I need to attune myself to the cosmic energy of the Power Stars," Baby Luma replied.

"…Aren't you already attuned to that? You just said all Lumas share a connection with Power Stars."

Baby Luma shook his head slowly. "Oh, Mario. Connection and attunement are two very different things. Connection is like you knowing you can use a power-up to get powers, but attunement is like actually using the power-up. And for us Lumas, attunement requires meditation."

I looked up at the World 4 sun. It was about midday, plus several hours…yeah, so much for finding a Power Star and getting the hell out of Dodge that same day. No doubt any Power Star I could get would somehow require Star-Spinning to obtain, which I couldn't do if Baby Luma was off meditating. And given how exhausted I was after this disaster of a morning, for all I knew, by the time Baby Luma finished meditating, I might be asleep. And-

Hold up.

Maybe I wouldn't need to Star-Spin after all.

I noticed something glimmering in the air above the decapitated statue of Head Honcho Piancho: a Silver Star. And leading to it were those flowers that were all over the place back in the Yoshi Star Galaxy that Yoshi could grab onto with his tongue to sling himself through the air.

If the first mission in this galaxy was a Yoshi-reliant Silver Stars mission, I might just be able to get by without Star-Spinning, have the Power Star ready for Baby Luma to attune to once he finished meditating, and then get out of here before the day was out.

I walked over to Yoshi, who was slouched against the side of Starship Mario. "Hey Yoshi," I said. "Listen, it looks like the first mission in this galaxy is one I'll need you for, so, uh, come on, let's go."

Yoshi didn't even open his eyes. "No, Mario."

My jaw dropped. Did he seriously just say no to me?! "Uh…excuse me?"

Yoshi sighed, his eyes still rudely shut. "I said no. Come on, Mario. For the past several days, when I haven't been accompanying you on missions, I've either been putting down mutinies or cleaning up messes around the Starship that you were at least partly to blame for creating in the first place. We're literally at a beach here. Please, just give me the rest of today to relax and then I'll help you get this Power Star tomorrow."

I sensed I was on thin ice here. On one hand I didn't want to ostracize Yoshi. On the other hand I did not want to spend a night on the same planet where Lubba and his fellow mutineers were being held. But Yoshi clearly held all the power here, given that I needed him to get this Power Star and he didn't presently need me for anything, so caving in it was. I briefly considered asking Piancho to take me below the surface so I could inspect the measures he'd taken to imprison the Lumas, but then decided against it, figuring it was probably better if I didn't know. I imagined them being trapped in flimsy cells made of sticks and leaves or something, but I was well aware that, given my luck, the reality of the situation was probably even less confidence-inspiring, and I really did not want whatever image that was rattling around in my brain.

So I instead settled for just wandering around the planet, looking for anything interesting to do while also steering clear of the Spinies, Crabbers, Lakitu, members of some weird, turnip-like species that I'd also encountered in the Spin-Dig Galaxy, and aquatic insects that looked like relatives of those dang Skeeters from Super Mario 64, that also dwelt on the planet. There were also some Dash/Ghost Peppers and Blimp Fruits around the planet, but there was no way in hell I was touching either of those. I remembered all too well what had happened when I ate that Ghost Pepper back in the Hightail Falls Galaxy, and I suspected eating a Blimp Fruit would have basically the same effects on me as the P-Balloons from Super Mario World, which were…uncomfortable, to say the least. Also present on the planet were a teleporter I was not bothering with, a Warp Pipe I didn't feel brave enough to explore without the ability to Star-Spin, a weird, partly submerged, dome-shaped structure labeled "PIANTA CONGRESS – NO NON-PIANTAS ALLOWED" (whatever), and some trampoline-ball-thing floating in the water, which entertained me for all of three seconds but also catapulted me up to one of the five Silver Stars. One less Silver Star to collect tomorrow, I guess.

All of that occupied me for what I estimated to be no more than fifteen minutes. After that I sat down and leaned against a palm tree. Yoshi was somehow able to relax leaning against Starship Mario; maybe I could do something similar.

But no more than a minute had passed before Head Honcho Piancho walked over and ruined my relaxation. "Hey, Mario," he said. "Why so glum?"

I groaned. "There's nothing to do on this planet, and Yoshi's being a doofus and refusing to help me collect the rest of these Silver Stars." I gestured to the one floating around my head. I wished the Purpleforce Council hadn't left so soon. If they were still here, that unicorn probably could've flown me around in place of Yoshi.

Ugh. I never would've thought I would sink so low as to want help from a flippin' unicorn.

Piancho nodded. "Yeah, there's never really much going on in mid-afternoon. This is usually when we all take a nap, but today of course we've got more important things to do, like repair the statue of Head Honcho Piancho VI."

I gritted my teeth.

Piancho pointed across the planet, where several Piantas were erecting a scaffolding made of – you guessed it – sticks, around the wrecked statue.

Which did nothing to ease my concerns about how securely Lubba and the other Lumas were being held hostage.

Piancho continued, "But this evening our drama troupe is putting on a production of Hamlet. You should watch it. It'll be lots of fun."

Why? Of ALL the things these Piantas could be acting out, WHY did it have to be a gosh dang, impossible to comprehend Toadspeare play?!

And yet, with nothing better to do, that evening, I ended up joining the Piantas, Yoshi, Percy, the Toad Brigade, and even a few Spinies and Crabbers who supposedly came in peace (but not Baby Luma, who I guessed was still meditating) to watch the play. At least seeing it acted out made it easier to understand what was going on, but if the plot of the Piantas' performance was anything even close to accurate, Toadspeare doesn't deserve any of the praise that everyone always gives him as the greatest playwright ever.

The nonsensical production started with Prince Hamlet being visited by the ghost of his father (also called Hamlet…), who told Hamlet Jr. that he had been killed by his brother Julius, the former king, who was exiled from the unnamed kingdom where most of the play took place several years earlier for committing tax fraud and grand theft auto. Julius then apparently fled to a haunted (also unnamed) forest, where he somehow gained magical powers and killed Hamlet Sr., who became king after him, in retaliation for being exiled, by sinking Hamlet Sr.'s ship while he was on it. Hamlet Sr.'s ghost urged his son to head to the forest and kill Julius to avenge his own death, which Hamlet Jr. initially agreed to…but then kept getting cold feet about because a) the haunted forest scared him, and b) Hamlet and his father had been on the outs for several years ever since his father forbade him from marrying his high school sweetheart Juliet, who was devastated she couldn't be with Hamlet Jr. and killed herself.

Meanwhile, in the forest, Julius was celebrating his successful assassination of Hamlet Sr. by throwing a party with his servants (a bunch of fairies and a trio of cackling Magikoopas), most of whom secretly hated him and were plotting to kill him. The leader of the fairies, Brutus Lannister, was mad because Julius accidentally killed a bunch of Brutus' relatives while testing out his weather-controlling powers (which it's never explained how he acquired) a few years earlier. The three Magikoopas then told Julius that they'd observed 14,000,605 possible futures, and it was very likely that Hamlet Jr. was going to come to the haunted forest and kill Julius. So Julius decided to mail Hamlet Jr. his father's head in the hopes that that would scare him off, despite the Magikoopas' protests.

The post office delivered Hamlet Jr. his father's head, which infuriated him and motivated him to go kill his uncle, but first he made a pit stop at a haunted mountain to collect an army of ghosts to help him (completely forgetting his earlier fear of haunted locales), then invaded the forest. Julius ordered the Magikoopas and fairies to fight Hamlet's forces, but the fairies turned against him and Brutus killed him while shouting, "The Lannisters send their regards!" Julius' dying words, uttered just as Hamlet arrived, were, "You too, Brutus?" Hamlet left the forest, content that his uncle was dead, and began going about his new duties as king of…somewhere.

Like I said, if this play was accurate, Toadspeare was a complete fraud. Then again, I'll give him the slightest benefit of the doubt, given that for basically the whole play, Jacques, who was sitting next to me, was complaining that most of the plot points were taken from different plays entirely. Granted, I didn't know how reliable his knowledge of theater was, so I took all that with a massive grain of salt.

After the play ended I headed over to the tree I'd been lounging under earlier and closed my eyes. Thankfully, sleep was merciful and took me quickly so I could officially say that horrible day was over.

A/N: And that's all, folks! Again, I'm sorry for the long wait for these chapters; I promise, the next post will not take this long to write. I also plan to have the next chapter of "MGT"'s spinoff "Harley's Angels" up sometime in the next few days (before I get super-busy with college again), so keep an eye out for that.

Next up: "Surf, Sand, and Silver Stars" and "Flipsville's New Digs"!

Oh, and LAMAR FOR MVP!