A/N: Well, here it is, folks, the next batch of chapters. Please read, review, and enjoy!

I do not own Super Mario.

Chapter 71: The Pit and the Power Star

Unfortunately, after taking me quickly, sleep then proceeded to do the bare minimum by giving me a fitful siesta full of nightmares adorned with purple flames, cackling Magikoopas, and giant, leering rabbit faces. I woke up drenched in sweat half a dozen times throughout the night, and then each time it took forever to get back to sleep thanks to someone nearby snoring obnoxiously loudly coupled with the unnerving nature of the tiki torch-lit gloom surrounding me on all sides and the faint, annoying jingling sound coming from the Silver Star floating around my head. So as soon as the earliest glimmerings of dawn light were visible in the sky, I traipsed through the water over to where Yoshi was sleeping near Starship Mario, and nudged him with my boot.

He groggily opened my eyes. "M-Mario? What is it?"

"It's tomorrow. Get up. Let's go get that Power Star," I said.

Yoshi groaned and threw back his head. "Why do you do this to me?"

"I'm not doing anything to you! Yesterday you said you'd help me tomorrow, which is now today. If you were only gonna be willing to help me after 8:00A.M., you should've mentioned that yesterday."

Yoshi gestured to the planet. "Come on, it's still dark out."

"Oh, and what happened to that good night vision you claimed Yoshis have back in the Hightail Falls Galaxy?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to be collecting Power Stars when it's dark out. Just…we're at a beach. Imagine we're on vacation. Sleep in. Relax a little. That's what vacations are all about."

Was he drunk? "That's not what vacations are about! Vacations are about waking up at the crack of dawn after getting no more than three hours of sleep the night before because you stayed out until zero dark thirty watching the Park Street Electric Pyrotechnics Parade or whatever crap, then whining about how you're tired as you get dressed and have a hurried breakfast so you can get in line for all the rides you want to go on before they're filled up with 50,000 screaming mothers, puking babies, and senile grandparents. So no, why don't you imagine we're on vacation, and get up and help me collect this stupid Power Star?!"

That right there, in case you're wondering, is why I never go on vacation. That and the fact that, the two times I went against my better judgment and did go on vacation, Super Mario World and Super Mario Sunshine resulted.

Yoshi grumbled something unintelligible and stood up. "Fine, Mario," he said. "But with Lubba and the Lumas being held captive here and this Power Star hopefully fixing Starship Mario once and for all, this better be the last time you call on me for help for a while."

I hopped on Yoshi's back and pointed him towards the still-wrecked statue of Head Honcho Piancho. "Let's get that Silver Star first. At least we know where that one is."

Yoshi grabbed the flowers leading to the Silver Star with his tongue and slung us up to it easily. The bubble the Silver Star was in burst, and it started chittering with the other star I'd collected the previous day.

"Alright, Mario, where to next?" Yoshi asked as we landed. "I see another one on top of that tower out in the distance…another one on the surface of the water next to that weird building-" The Pianta Congress. "-and…oh, I think the last one is inside a cage in that hut where Sam blasted the Purpleforce Drainer yesterday."

I'd seen the first two of those three the previous day. The first one I'd pretty quickly deduced would require use of the Blimp Fruit to reach. The second one I probably could've gotten myself, but there were two Skeeters incessantly patrolling the waters around it, and I just didn't feel like dealing with those pests. I hadn't noticed the one in the hut, which of course couldn't have been freed from its cage when Sam flung the Purpleforce Drainer over there, because obviously that would've made this mission too easy!

"Let's go for the one on the surface of the water first, out by the Pianta Congress." I pointed towards the structure. "Okay, Yoshi, swim out there."

Yoshi pointed to a nearby Ghost Pepper, glowing ominously in the dim light. "I can just eat a Dash Pepper and run across the water to get out there. It'll be faster."

"Uh, hate to burst the messiah complex you apparently have, but you can't walk on water."

"I can with a Dash Pepper. Just like you can with a Mini Mushroom."

I – huh. I'd forgotten about the Mini Mushroom. I frequently forget about the Mini Mushroom, given that it's one of the most useless power-ups out there (not nearly as useless as a Goomba Mask, but still…). The only time one has ever proven useful is the plumbing job where I had to use a Mini Mushroom, then get flushed down a toilet to dislodge the bobblehead some idiot kid had flushed away. Now that I think about it, I did have to get weighed down with a bunch of metal to sink below the surface of the water in the toilet bowl. I just don't think back on that memory too much, given that the time I spent in those pipes traumatized me so badly I had nightmares about it for, like, three months. Which is the same reason why, if those rumors that surfaced last month about this year's Mario Kart tournament involving a course that takes place in a giant bathroom are true, I will be boycotting said tournament. Because all bathrooms have a toilet, and I had no doubt that even if the track didn't go anywhere near the toilet, the universe would pull some B.S.-ery that would end in me and my kart going flying into the toilet anyway.

"Come on, Mario, the Dash Pepper'll be faster," Yoshi said.

"How do you even know this'll let you run across the water?" I asked. "There wasn't any water back in the Hightail Falls Galaxy that you ran across."

"No, but Dash Peppers are common on Yoshi's Island. We use them all the time to run across streams and lakes."

…Okay, whatever. I haven't spent that much time on Yoshi's Island, so I guess it's possible I just missed them the times I did go there.

Yoshi trotted over to the Ghost Pepper and ate it. Immediately, he turned bright red and took off running towards the Silver Star. I hoped Yoshi knew what he was doing, because back in the Hightail Falls Galaxy, it seemed like he had far less control over where specifically he ran when powered up with the Ghost Pepper, and I had no doubt those two Skeeters were still lurking somewhere near the Silver Star. The last thing I needed was him running into one of them.

And so, predictably, that's exactly what happened.

A Skeeter appeared out of nowhere in the small sphere of light Yoshi was casting around himself, and before Yoshi could change direction, we collided with the mutant insect. I was bucked off Yoshi's back straight into the side of the Pianta Congress, smashing my still-burned nose into the side of the stone structure at no less than 30 miles per hour. Yoshi, meanwhile, spun out and skipped across the surface of the water like a jet-propelled rock, warble-screaming the entire time. I flopped into the water with a splash, groaning in pain.

My nose was now swollen so large it was taking up about half of my entire field of vision. Great; I wouldn't be surprised if, even though that was a pretty unorthodox method of injury, getting catapulted into the side of the Pianta Congress had cost me another wedge of health, and I was now down to one.

Suddenly, a crash came from behind me. I turned over; in the dim light, I could see that Yoshi had not just collided with the Pianta Congress, as I had, but flown straight through the wall, leaving a Yoshi-shaped hole in it. I looked around and strained to see where the two Skeeters were. The one we'd smashed into was flailing around upside-down on the surface of the water several yards away, half its legs bent at unnatural angles, while the second one was even farther away. Keeping a wary eye on them, I swam over to the third Silver Star and grabbed it, then swam after Yoshi.

Water from the lake was slowly leaking into the hole Yoshi had made in the side of the Pianta Congress. I grabbed onto a jagged edge of the hole in the building so I wouldn't get sucked in, having no idea how big a drop I'd be in for and what was even at the bottom, and called, "Yoshi? You okay in there?"

His voice echoed up from somewhere far below. "Ow. I think I broke something."

"What's down there?" If I ended up having to save him, there was no way I was going in blind.

"I have no idea. Whatever this place is, it's definitely not a Congress. It's cold, the floor's made of stone, there's a bunch of big puddles, it smells like corpses, there's a-"

I waited a few seconds for Yoshi to continue. Then I called again. "Yoshi? You still there?"

Several more seconds passed before he gave a tremulous reply. "I don't think I'm alone down here."

Well, that was infuriatingly vague. "What else is down there? A few Scaredy Rats? Members of the Pianta Congress? Give me something to work with here!" It briefly crossed my mind that, given my luck, he'd probably crashed through some secret back entrance into the Piantas' dungeons and given Lubba and the others an escape route, but I didn't dare voice that thought.

"No, it was more of a...a scuttling noise," Yoshi said. "Mario, I'm getting really scared – there it is again!"

"What?"

"That sound. I can't move. My leg's all twisted around. I'm gonna need you to come get me out of-"

I waited several seconds, then called down, "Out of what?" I had no doubt he was gonna say "out of here," but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's when people stop a thought in mid-sentence and then leave me hanging for, like, fifteen seconds before finally deciding to finish.

Well, that and Bowser, Lubba, Piantas, Gearmos, Kamek looking just like every other Magikoopa in existence, the "Head Honcho" title, stupid power-ups like the Goomba Mask, Candy Crunch, alternate universes, shows involving time travel, the Toad Brigade Happy Work Song...I think you get the point.

Still no reply.

Great, now I was gonna have to waste my precious time heading down there and probably getting involved in some stupid, useless sorta-a-boss-battle against a spider monster or something to save Yoshi. Well, at the very least, I wasn't gonna be doing this without a grappling hook or some similar sort of equipment that I could use to control my fall and not break my leg like it seemed Yoshi had. Hopefully the Piantas had either a grappling hook or suitable materials to make one lying around somewhere.

I swam back towards the shallower part of the planet to wake up one of the Piantas and ask them if they had any suitable supplies lying around. And that was when I saw it.

Yoshi's egg sitting on one of the islands.

…

Okay, I'm pretty sure Yoshi's egg only respawns if he dies somehow, so…WTF? Had whatever creature Yoshi heard at the bottom of the Pianta Congress building just straight-up murdered him? What the flip was down there?!

I jumped on Yoshi's egg, only to immediately get smacked in the face. OW! I flopped over backwards on the sand as Yoshi's feral-looking eyes darted around. Then he saw me. "Oh my gosh, Mario, I'm so sorry," he said. "I thought you were that…that…."

"What the heck was that thing down there?" I asked. "All you said was that you heard something scuttling. That's not a heck of a lot to go on." It could've been the imprisoned Lumas, a giant Crabber…or hell, maybe even just a Pianta in some creepy-looking costume. This was the The Village Galaxy, after all.

Oops. Spoiler alert. Whatever.

"Mario, don't…don't make me relive it," Yoshi said. "Can we please just…forget it ever happened?"

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, fine, just tell me this. Did you see Lubba or any of the other imprisoned Lumas down there?"

Yoshi stared past me, a haunted look in his eyes. "No, no, no Lumas. Just that...thing. That horrible, horrible..." He shuddered.

Okay, this was just driving me nuts and getting us nowhere, so I decided to drop it. Drop it with Yoshi, that is. Head Honcho Piancho, on the other hand…. Part of me wanted to interrogate him about what deep, dark secret was lurking beneath the surface of this seemingly peaceful planet, but another part of me tacked this mystery onto my list of reasons to just get that Power Star, fix Starship Mario, and get the hell out of this place as soon as physically possible.

Either way, there were only two more Silver Stars to collect: the one atop the tower and the one in the hut. "Alright, let's get the Silver Star in the hut next," I said. "We know there's Spinies on this planet, so just eat one of them and blow open the cage the Silver Star's in like you did to the cages back in the Yoshi Star Galaxy."

So as the sky grew lighter, Yoshi and I headed over to the large island with the hut, and as we came ashore, the island's resident Lakitu saw us and floated over. "Oi, oi, oi! I'm Lakitu!" he said in the same stupid voice all Lakitus have, which is exactly what I was expecting to hear but that didn't make it grate on my nerves any less. Then he lowered his voice and added, "And I just have to tell you that I'm defecting from the Koopa Troop. Would you please help me get out of here?"

Oh you've gotta be flipping kidding me. Really? This idiot was pulling the same load of crap that those Lakitus back in the Yoshi Star Galaxy tried to make me fall for?! "Yeah right!" I shouted at him. "Two of your idiot brothers tried to dupe me with that exact same B.S. last week. I didn't fall for it then-" A little white lie never hurt anyone. "-and I'm sure as hell not falling for it now!"

Lakitu donned a pretty convincing horrified facial expression, but I knew it was just another pathetic attempt to make me buy the steaming load he was trying to sell. "No, no, I really am defecting! Here, I'll prove it to you – I've got secret Koopa Troop knowledge I can share with you! Like...," he pulled a paper out of his cloud and scanned it, "to unlock Bowser's final base, you need to have 17 Power Stars!"

...What? "Seventeen Power Stars my ass! I needed 16 to unlock his first base, and then 28 to unlock Junior's lousy fleet at the end of World 3!"

Lakitu waved his arms. "No, no, no, I said 70, not 17. Please, you've gotta believe me!"

"Don't tell me what I've gotta do, you lying lowlife!"

"Mario, can I just go ahead and eat this sleazeball?" Yoshi asked.

"Be my guest."

"No, no, no!" Lakitu tried to float away, but Yoshi grabbed his cloud with his tongue. It vaporized and Lakitu fell onto the sand, whining unintelligibly. Yoshi then shot his tongue at Lakitu, but didn't eat him.

"Come on, just eat him already," I said.

"I can't," Yoshi replied. "I don't know why, but I can't grab him with my tongue." He tried two more times, yielding the same results.

I leaned over Yoshi's head and yelled at Lakitu, "Hey, you really want to help me out? How do I kill you?"

"No, p-p-please don't kill me!" Lakitu spluttered. "I can help you!"

"Exactly. You can help me kill you."

"N-n-no, I-"

"Yoshi, kick him in the side or something. See if that changes his tune."

Yoshi took a step towards Lakitu and kicked him...and he vaporized into three Star Bits. Wait, seriously? Lakitu physically couldn't be eaten, yet somehow a simple kick was enough to kill him? Sure, because apparently this galaxy just couldn't stop churning out infuriating levels of absurdity.

And see, for further proof that he was lying, if he were really defecting, he would've helped me out by throwing one of his Spinies into the Silver Star cage and saved me the trouble of having to have Yoshi eat a Spiny and break the cage open.

Then I noticed that the sheet of paper that had birthed Lakitu's stupid lie about Bowser's final base had not been vaporized, and was instead lying on the sand nearby. I couldn't help but wonder what other garbage he'd cooked up to try to sway me to his side, so I hopped off Yoshi and picked up the sheet of paper. It read:

LIST OF BOWSER'S SECRETS I CAN REVEAL TO MARIO

SO HE WILL TRUST ME THAT I AM DEFECTING

1. To unlock Bowser's final base, you need to have 70 Power Stars.

Okay, so I guess he was telling the truth about the 17-70 thing. Whatever.

2. Ludwig and Iggy are working on something called Project Robocop. I don't know what it is, but it sounds like it has something to do with resurrecting people.

Is this the secret to Bowser always coming from the dead after getting submerged in lava?

3. Bowser's planning to hire a bounty hunter named Cad Bane to kill you and Luigi.

Sorry, but I don't give people credit for warning me about things that have already happened.

4. The Whomp Fortress is back.

What the flip was that supposed to mean? That the thief who stole the portrait leading to the Whomp Fortress from Peach's Castle last year had returned it?

5. The Slimy Spring Galaxy in World 6 is just a front for something called the SUBNAUTICA Facility. I think it's an acronym, but I don't know what for. All I know is it's a place where Bowser conducts a bunch of genetic experiments to create new monsters to menace you with.

So, let's see...the Cad Bane one I knew was true, so one might think that would mean the rest of the list was also true. But I would tell that someone that it was much more likely that Lakitu threw that in there because he knew I'd be seeing this list after I'd already fought Cad Bane, so not only was that information useless to me, it was intentionally placed there so that I would be able to personally verify one item on the list, and thus would be more inclined to buy all the lies populating the rest of the list. Which meant I could safely say that Bowser's final base would not require 70 Power Stars (probably a hell of a lot more), Bowser's repeated resurrections would remain a mystery, Robocop was probably just Lakitu's favorite movie or something, the Whomp Fortress painting was still missing, and the SUBNAUTICA Facility was...I didn't even know what to make of that one. To me it just seemed like the punch line of some absurdist joke, like how when someone's making a list as part of a joke the last item in the list is supposed to be the most ridiculous. Like, the other four items on the list at least sounded marginally believable, and for the grand finale, Lakitu was just like, "What's the weirdest sounding thing I could think to write down on here?"

"What does it say?" Yoshi asked.

I crumpled it up and threw it into the water. "A bunch of lies. Come on, let's just get these last two Silver Stars."

Yoshi grabbed a Spiny wandering around nearby, and we headed up the hill to the hut. At the top we had to evade two of these strange spinning-flower things that I'd previously encountered in the Spin-Dig Galaxy, and then Yoshi shot the Spiny at the Silver Star's cage. It exploded and we grabbed the Silver Star, who chittered happily and then joined his three comrades floating around my head. Which just left the last Silver Star, atop the tower.

I steered Yoshi back down the hill, past one of those rings of seashells and other aquatic detritus that inexplicably turn into Star Bits when I Star-Spin around them, and towards the edge of the island we were currently on. But the Yoshi suddenly stopped and pointed to the right. "Look, Mario, it's Bill Board. Let's go over and see what wisdom he has to dispense today."

I gritted my teeth and looked to the right. Sure enough, there was Bill Board.

"No," I said.

"But why? I like talking to Bill Board."

"Bill Board is annoying!"

"You just can't stand that sometimes, Bill Board knows things you don't."

"That's not it at all! I can't stand Bill Board because he wastes my time telling me things I already know!"

"Are you really so busy that you don't have a minute to spare to talk to Bill Board?"

"Stop saying his full name every time you mention him!"

"You're doing it too."

"I know, and I hate that I am, and I hate that I don't know why I am!"

After two-ish more minutes of arguing, in which both Yoshi and I remained unable to refer to Bill Board as anything other than Bill Board, I finally gave in and steered Yoshi over to talk to the stupid, sentient plank of wood.

"Want to look around?" he asked as we approached him. "Press up, then look with the joystick. Just press down to quit."

Quit what? Quit life? If so, then I would've happily "pressed down" then and there if I had any flippin' clue what that meant.

"Wow. Thanks, Bill Board," Yoshi said. "That was so helpful."

I stared at Yoshi in disbelief. "Did you seriously understand what any of that meant?"

"Sure I did. It meant that to look around, you have to press up, then look with the joystick."

I spread my arms. "And...?"

"Oh, and you just have to press down to quit."

...

Yeah, I wasn't even bothering to try to make sense of this crap.

I steered Yoshi past Bill Board towards the tower. In front of us was a Blimp Fruit floating above a deeper section of water, but given how briefly the Blimp Fruits allowed Yoshi to float back in the Tall Trunk Galaxy, there was no way we'd be able to drift to the top of the tower from this far out. Then I noticed another cage much closer to the tower, with a Blimp Fruit back inside it.

Apparently it was time to head back to Hut Island and get another Spiny.

One Spiny later, the cage was smashed open, Yoshi transformed into a bloated blueberry, and we just barely reached the top of the tower before the incredibly short-lived Blimp Fruit wore off. And waiting there for us was the fifth Silver Star. I grabbed it, and the five Silver Stars circled above me and Yoshi before fusing into a Power Star. The Power Star then floated down to the surface, onto one of the islands next to the statue of Head Honcho Piancho. Yoshi and I leapt off the tower, then ran and swam across the planet to collect the Power Star.