A/N: So, a few announcements to make. One, as I'm sure you noticed, "MGT" has a new cover image. I've come across a few longfics on the site recently whose authors have updated their covers a few times, and I thought at almost a quarter-million words in, maybe it was time to do the same here. Not to mention recently I've felt sort of dissatisfied with my earlier cover images since I've put a lot more effort into the more recent ones, so this gave me a chance to fix that. In case you can't make it out that well, I included a link to a larger version of the new cover image on my profile page.
Two, between last chapter and this chapter, I'm not sure how well I've described Topmaniac's new form…I hope I've done a good enough job that you can picture him in your mind, but just in case, I also sketched up a concept art of his new body and also put the link to that image on my profile. (I actually wanted to include him on the new "MGT" cover image too but ran out of space lol. Next time.)
And finally, since I last updated "MGT," I've posted two new MGTU-related fanfics. The first one, "Mario's Galactic Tale Universe: The Road So Far" is basically a 9,000-word summary of all 330,000+ words of the MGTU so far (spanning "MGT," all the Mario spinoffs, and the Deadpool crossover stories). I thought it might be a good idea to have a refresher like that when this universe has gotten so much larger and messier than I originally imagined it would be. The second one, "Deadpool: Guardians of the Multiverse vs. Purpleforce Council," is a sequel to my previous Deadpool fanfics, but will also heavily involve the Purpleforce Council from "MGT." I don't know just yet exactly how closely it'll connect with what's currently going on in "MGT," but if there's any pertinent information established in it, I'll include it in an A/N at the start of the next batch of "MGT" chapters, like I've done with the previous Deadpool stories, and also add summaries of it to "MGTU: The Road So Far" as I go. Hopefully this will help make the MGTU easier to follow going forward, because I'm aware it's become really convoluted at this point.
Anyway, without further ado, please read, review, and enjoy!
I do not own Super Mario.
Chapter 77: TOPM . exe
The spikes and blades along Topmaniac's perimeter started spinning much more quickly as he made his way towards me. I backed up, frantically looking for a way out. Lava to the left of me, lava to the right….
(Here I am, stuck in the middle with you….)
Sorry. Couldn't help myself.
Then I looked behind me and saw the set of higher platforms I'd landed on when I arrived on the planet, which I'd forgotten about. The tops of the platforms were about level with Topmaniac's highest point. So maybe if I could get up to those platforms, from there I could jump onto Topmaniac to defeat him. Assuming, that is, that I'd be able to defeat Topmaniac 2.0 the same way I beat his first incarnation, and that I'd be able to jump over the tops of the angled, spinning saw blades extending from Topmaniac, since their top edges rose higher than Topmaniac's main body.
"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY WRATH, MARIO!" Topmaniac shouted.
"Oh man, oh man," Baby Luma squealed as Topmaniac's blades drew ever closer.
At the last second, I backflipped against the platforms, then wall-jumped off them and Star-Spun to land on top of them. Haha, it worked! And sure enough, I was now slightly above the top of Topmaniac's main body. You know, I've gotten used to Bowser, for whatever ridiculous reason, building mechanisms into my boss battles with his minions that allow me to easily defeat them (e.g. the electricity lining the arena during my battle with Topmaniac from my first galactic adventure), but this wasn't a Bowser-sanctioned boss battle. Just saying, this had to really suck for Topmaniac that he waits eight years to get revenge on me, and then the geography of the planet he chooses to fight me on gives me a clear advantage over him.
Don't get me wrong, I don't feel bad for him or anything, it's just an interesting observation.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE FROM ME THAT EASILY, MARIO?" Topmaniac taunted. "THINK AGAIN!"
The spikes and saw blades around his perimeter started rotating even more quickly. Two of the saw blades stayed at the same height they had been at, but the mechanical arms the other two were attached to partially contracted, lowering the blades. Topmaniac charged towards the platform I was on. And as I heard rapid, whining screams of metal on metal coming from below me, I realized what he was doing.
I looked over the edge of the platform and, sure enough, he was using the two lowered saw blades to hack away at the base of the platform I was standing on. Oh come on, this wasn't fair! I don't think there's ever been a boss battle I've had to deal with where I've been able to use the high ground to my advantage, and the boss in question has then proven capable of destroying said high ground.
The platform started precariously leaning towards Topmaniac. The two higher saw blades were spinning too quickly now for me to be able to time a jump between them. I'd have to try backflipping over them, and I was quickly running out of time to pull that off. If the platform tilted much farther before I leapt off it, there was no way I'd be able to jump over the saw blades and land on Topmaniac.
"THE ITSY BITSY PLUMBER CLIMBED UP THE PLATFORMS!" Topmaniac sang.
…And?
Seriously? This guy was an AI who probably had every word in existence floating around inside him, and he couldn't come up with one more lousy syllable to add to that to make the object I was climbing up three syllables like "waterspout"?
The platform gave a sharp lurch, almost flinging me off it, but I managed to regain my balance at the last second. If it tipped much more, I was gonna go sliding off it.
Wait a second…Topmaniac could've completed that line! I'd bet a million bucks that he intentionally chose not to complete it because he somehow knew that Parodies with the Wrong Number of Syllables are one of my biggest pet peeves, right up there with Bowser, Lubba, Sonic the Hedgehog, Gearmos, Goomba Masks, alternate universes, the Toad Brigade Happy Work Song, "Boiyoing!", commercials with like 500 words of legal disclaimers crammed into 2 seconds of audio, and whatever else I've mentioned in the past that I can't think of right now. And knowing that, he intentionally used the wrong number of syllables to throw me off and make me waste a few precious seconds I could've used to get off the platforms and jump on him.
I get so used to the villains I fight being completely incompetent that when one shows up who's actually smart, it completely throws me for a loop.
I turned around, then backflipped towards Topmaniac. But just as I pushed off the ground, the platform became even more lopsided, and my backflip didn't take me as high as it would've if I'd jumped a second earlier.
No, instead it took me right into the path of Topmaniac's whirling saw blades.
Somehow, instead of completely disemboweling me like I'd thought it would, the blade I flew into managed to only snag the back of my overalls.
And after that, a bunch of things happened within the span of…I'm gonna say a second tops.
First, the saw blade, which was still both revolving around Topmaniac and itself rotating, carried me about halfway around Topmaniac at God knows how many miles per hour.
Second, I felt something very, very hot against my back, and I realized that the orange glow coming from the teeth of the saw blades was because of how hot they were.
Third, the blade either sliced or burned through the strap of my overalls, and I was flung into the side of the other tall platform near to the impromptu arena, the one I had to elevate the Golden Chomp onto before it slid down the rails into the Chomp hole.
And fourth, I hit the platform so hard that Star Bits literally flew out of my nose, and I'm pretty sure I lost two wedges of health in one fell swoop.
I slumped over, half-conscious, as Baby Luma flew from under my cap and started slapping my face. "Mario! Mario! Snap out of it, Mario! You've gotta snap out of it! That creepy robot guy's coming!"
I blinked and looked up. Sure enough, Topmaniac was approaching again, his saw blades spinning faster than ever.
"AT LAST!" Topmaniac said. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER, MARIO!"
I swatted Baby Luma aside and struggled to my feet. But as soon as I did, something in my back gave way and I fell over again. Oh come the mommy flip on, are you kidding me? This garbage again? I looked up at the side of the platform where I'd flown into it and saw that I'd left a decent-sized crater in it. Damn, how hard did Topmaniac send me flying?
Speaking of, the deranged robot was getting ever closer. Well, the way I saw it, I had two options. One: roll a few inches to my right and fall into the lava, lose my last wedge of health, and respawn at the start of the planet fully healed. Two: wait for Topmaniac to arrive and also lose my last wedge of health, but also run the risk that him straight-up slicing me in half is enough to kill me-kill me, like permanently.
Wasn't really much of a decision.
And besides, whenever I lose a life and regenerate at the start of a planet, everything on that planet reverts to its default state. So maybe that meant that Topmaniac would be gone, or that at the very least the platforms he'd been chopping away at would be restored.
I turned to Topmaniac and flipped him off. "See you in a few minutes, you creep!" Then I rolled into the lava.
TOO BAD!
When I respawned at the start of the Chomp-shaped planet, I immediately saw that NEITHER of my wishes had been granted, as Topmaniac was still there and about half of the platform I had been sheltering atop had now fully collapsed into the lava. Topmaniac, meanwhile, was across the arena, hacking away at the platform he'd thrown me into. But as soon as I appeared, his eyes swiveled around to the backside of his body.
"THERE YOU ARE!" he said, starting towards me. "I FORGOT HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR YOU TO RESPAWN! BUT DON'T WORRY! IN YOUR ABSENCE, I'VE DONE A BIT OF REDECORATING TO MAKE OUR ARENA A BIT MORE OF A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD!"
Um, no, you idiot, it was a level playing field before you started wrecking the place, seeing as how your height was the only thing making this fight unfair, and the taller platforms gave me a way to overcome that or, in other words, level the playing field.
Either way, Topmaniac couldn't access the platform I had landed on without entirely chopping down the ones in front of me, which gave me some time to try to come up with a plan. It seemed like my best course of action was still to try jumping off the remaining platforms and onto him, but after how last time went, I was...wary of that, to say the least.
Wary or not, that was also pretty likely my only chance of victory, so that's what I was doing. And if Topmaniac managed to chop down all the taller platforms before I could defeat him, then my backup plan was to head over to the planet's brief antigravity section and try to pull off some sort of zero-G backflip through the gravity inversion and land on top of him.
Topmaniac reached the remains of the tall platforms and started slicing his way through them again, his saw blades accelerating into a constant, high-pitched whine, punctuated by a buzz and crunch each time one of them bit into the metal platforms.
"OUT CAME THE TOPMANIAC AND CUT THE PLUMBER DOWN!" Topmaniac sang.
"Your stupid attempts to distract me aren't gonna work this time, you tin can nitwit!" I shouted as I leapt up the platforms.
Topmaniac suddenly tilted up a little bit, and seemed to be looking slightly above me. Then his eyes contracted. "OH NO! NOT ROSALINA! NOT NOW, WHEN MY REVENGE IS NIGH!"
Wait, what?
Rosalina was here?
Maybe if I can take down Topmaniac on my own with her here to see it, I'll finally win her over and she'll agree to marry me!
I turned around to see where Rosalina was, and-
What the fudge?
Rosalina wasn't there! There was nothing behind me except all the other stupid planets in this stupid galaxy.
I massive splash came from behind me, and I turned around to see another section of the platforms collapse into the lava as Topmaniac sliced through them. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT NOT GETTING DISTRACTED?" he said. "WHO'S THE NITWIT NOW?"
Oh COME ON, that trick was flippin' low, even for him.
On top of that, it was slightly unnerving that Topmaniac knew about my crush on Rosalina, because I have never shared that with anyone else. In fact, the only time I've even expressed those thoughts in any way has been in various love letters to her I've written on my computer over the years, but a) never sent, and b) deleted as soon as I finished them. So unless Topmaniac was either telepathic or somehow had access to my computer, both of which I highly doubted, there was no way in hell-
Wait a second.
Topm…aniac.
Oh you've gotta be flipping garbage-flying chocolate-fudging kidding me.
For several years now, Luigi and I have been sharing the same computer since he broke his own after stupidly slamming the screen down on the keyboard to try to kill a fly (that he didn't even kill, for that matter) and hasn't been able to save up enough money to buy a new one. A few years back, he got on email from some anonymous person; all the email consisted of was a subject line reading "YOU'VE WON! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" (I am not exaggerating the number of exclamation points that were used) and an attachment named "TOPM . exe" For whatever reason, upon seeing "TOPM," Luigi automatically assumed it was an acronym for The Other Phantom Menace, an old urban legend about a supposedly filmed but never released alternate cut of Toad Wars: The Phantom Menace, and he thought he had won a copy of the probably nonexistent movie. As soon as he showed it to me, I put the kibosh on that and told him to delete the email since I had no idea who'd sent it – then, when he needed extra urging, reminded him what had happened the last time he got mail telling him he'd won something in a contest he never entered.
But I never checked to make sure Luigi had deleted the email.
I bet "TOPM . exe" was Topmaniac the disembodied AI somehow emailing part of his consciousness to me, Luigi didn't delete the email, no indeed, and instead downloaded "TOPM . exe," and now Topmaniac's been spying on me through my computer ever since.
Well, if nothing else, that certainly provides a possible explanation for why my credit card's been getting hacked on an almost monthly basis for over two years now. Seriously, it's gotten to the point where the credit card company doesn't even believe me anymore when I call to tell them I didn't order a bunch of hoses or pipes or saws (which I would further bet were all used to build Topmaniac his new body). I've become The Plumber Who Cried "Credit Card Fraud!"
Great, now I'm gonna have to smash that computer when I get back home.
Anyway, back to the battle. Sorry for the rambling tangent. It probably went a lot faster for me to think than for you to read. Would you believe me if I said all that went through my head in, like, two seconds?
I leapt on the small section of the tallest platform that was still standing as Topmaniac started assaulting that area too. I turned around and, before the platform had a chance to start tipping over, backflipped towards Topmaniac. I flew inches above his saw blades and, at the last second, decided to ground-pound onto him instead of just settling for a normal jump. Partly just to make extra sure I actually damaged him given his new, larger form; partly as retribution for that scumbag Trojan horse-ing himself onto my computer.
I landed on Topmaniac with a resounding crash, then bounced off him to the far side of the arena. Meanwhile, one of his saw blades suddenly flew off and came about an inch shy of murdering Baby Luma when it flew over my head. It splashed into the lava several yards beyond the edge of the arena.
Topmaniac, meanwhile, turned towards me and shouted, "YOU! YOU WILL DIE FOR THAT!"
Wait, so was I seriously gonna have to pull that off three more times to get rid of the other saw blades? And then probably one more time at least just to finish off his main body.
Come on, this was so unfair. This wasn't a standard galaxy boss battle, this was practically an end-of-world boss battle! Hell, I was 76% certain I'd rather redo that battle at the end of World 3 with me, Harley, Wonder Woman, and all my other multiversal allies against Bowser Jr. and all his multiversal allies than deal with this 1v1 duel against Topmaniac.
I glanced around to see what the most accessible high ground was that I could utilize against Topmaniac. The other set of platforms had also partially collapsed after he attacked them, but it didn't seem like he'd done any damage to the rising blue platform I'd had to use to let the Golden Chomp reach said other platforms. Of course, using that would be tricky, because I'd have to time activating it so that I could jump off it onto Topmaniac and be certain that it wouldn't retract at the last second and send me plummeting right onto the deranged machine's saw blades.
"GET OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE MEAT SAC!" Topmaniac demanded, rolling towards me.
…Is "rolling" really even the right word? I mean, he was just sliding along on that tiny little point on his underside. Slid towards me? That doesn't really sound right either, that makes me think more of how a Cooligan gets around. Skated towards me? I mean, that's the closest thing it looked like, but that made me think more of a figure skater.
Okay, I've got it.
He skaroided (ska(te) + ro(ll) + (sl)ide) towards me.
I waited for Topmaniac to skaroide a bit closer, then ground-pounded on the Blue Switch. The platform it activated shot into the air; I ran over to it, then backflipped onto it. Topmaniac arrived at the platform and got several hacks in with his saws, but then I backflipped off the platform and ground-pounded on him. At the last second, he tried to back up, but was too late. I landed right on top of him, sending his second saw arm flying off. This one flew in a different direction and ended up slicing through the rails the Golden Chomp had to roll along during the first U-turn it made after emerging from the lava.
Well, good thing I wasn't gonna need to get another Golden Chomp over to the Chomp hole.
Topmaniac spun around to face me again, his two remaining saw blades whirring ominously. "THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH, MARI – OH NO, NOT ROSALINA!" Topmaniac's eyes contracted and he looked behind me again.
Okay, this was stupid even for the Koopa Troop.
"You already pulled that trick once, you idiot!" I said. "You seriously think I'm gonna fall for it again?"
"NO, NO, NO, PLEASE DON'T DESTROY ME, ROSALINA!" Topmaniac blubbered (or engaged in the closest thing to "blubbering" that a robot can muster, I guess). "PLEASE, I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE!"
"Save your breath! You're not fooling me again!" I kept my eyes locked on Topmaniac, knowing full well that the second I looked elsewhere, he was gonna rush at me and try to cut me in half with those blades of his.
"NO I AM NOT INCOMPETENT! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU WITCH!"
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I mean, A for effort, I guess, but how long was it gonna take for him to just give up?
"WHY ARE YOU LIFTING UP YOUR DRESS – OH NO, OH GOD NO! NO, DON'T VAPORIZE ME WITH YOUR VAGINA LASER!"
Wait, what?
I whirled around and saw-
Oh come the flip on, there was nothing there!
How the heck did this happen? I kept swearing I wouldn't fall for this stupid ploy again, and then what happened? I went and fell for it like a complete sucker. How much insight had the contents of my computer given Topmaniac into what buttons he had to push to get a reaction out of me?
The low whirring of Topmaniac's saw blades accelerated, and I spun back around to see him skaroiding towards me at an alarming pace – much faster than he'd ever moved during our first battle, or so far in this one. I had just enough time to run away from him, then jump and Star-Spin onto the jagged remains of the platforms Topmaniac had started cutting through before he could catch up to me. From there, I climbed onto the platforms that were still fully intact, where he couldn't reach me…for the time being, at least.
Topmaniac, meanwhile, hung back and glared up at me. "I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO FALL FOR THAT AGAIN!" he mocked. "HMM. WHAT IS IT THEY SAY AGAIN ABOUT FOOLING SOMEONE TWICE?"
I clenched my fists. "Alright, you want a fight, huh, tough guy? Well, get over here and let's fight, then!"
"AH, AH, AH. I REFUSE TO. YOU SEE, I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN! I'VE DEDUCED THAT THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN JUMP ON ME TO DAMAGE ME IS IF I'M CLOSE TO YOU. SO NOW I'M STAYING FAR AWAY. I BELIEVE YOU MIGHT SAY WE HAVE REACHED AN IMPASSE!"
…What? Was I seriously now going to have to find a way to fight a battle against a boss who refused to get close enough for me to attack him?! This was ridiculous!
"Alright, fine by me," I said, trying to call his bluff. "We'll see how long you can stay down there and resist the chance to attack me."
"LONGER THAN YOU MIGHT THINK, MARIO. IN FACT, I WOULD SAY THE MORE PRESSING CONCERN RIGHT NOW IS THE MATTER OF FOOD. I AM A MACHINE. I DO NOT REQUIRE ANY. BUT YOU DO. I SUPPOSE WE SHALL SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN SURVIVE UP THERE WITH NO FOOD."
Of course. Food, the eternal thorn in the side of besieged parties for as long as sieges have been a thing. Personally I think sieges are bogus to begin with, but then again that's probably because I've never been able to conduct one. Always the besieged, never the besieger.
Time to try calling his bluff again. "Oh, don't I have any food?" I jerked my thumb at my cap and whispered, "Play along, Baby Luma." I then resumed talking to Topmaniac. "Because I will have you knowing that I've got a delicious, protein-rich Baby Luma under my cap. In fact, I've heard that eating a single Luma can sustain a person for about four weeks."
"FINE. FOUR WEEKS, FOUR YEARS, OR FOUR DECADES, I WILL WAIT, IF THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES. I HAVE ALREADY WAITED EIGHT YEARS FOR MY REVENGE; I CAN WAIT A BIT LONGER. I AM PATIENT."
Gosh flippity dang it, was there seriously no way to bait this guy into attacking me?
I briefly considered just heading back to Starship Mario and throwing in the towel on this entire mission, but quickly decided against that. I'd already made it to the end of this level, and if I backed out now, were I to attempt the level again, I'd have to start over from square one. And for all I knew, doing that would set Topmaniac back to his default state with all four saw blade arms intact. Then there was the matter of the Top-Mothership. At this point, given that he hadn't used them yet, I doubted the lasers on it were operational, but it was still much bigger than Starship Mario. It seemed pretty likely that if I retreated, Topmaniac would just come after me and, if he had no other attacks at his disposal, straight-up ram the Starship out of the sky with his mothership.
And even if none of those other factors were in play, I refused to let someone who had duped me with the words "vagina laser" get the last laugh.
So I was staying.