7

In the morning Hotch arrived at the house to take JJ's statement. He was ready to take it, but that didn't mean that he was looking forward to it. He hadn't seen JJ in a few days and was anxious to see how she was.

He arrived at 9am but was happy to find out that JJ was still asleep. He wanted her to sleep; to get some proper rest. So he was happy to wait until she woke up of her own accord.

At 10:30 she woke and went through her morning routine with the aid of Derek and Penelope allowing Hotch to catch up with Emily.

JJ was not happy to say the least at the thought that she was going to give her statement today. She was digging in her heels the entire hour that she was getting ready. She wanted to get it over and done with and that was the only thing that helped her accept the idea and agree to giving her statement.

At 11:30am Derek brought JJ out to the lounge where she saw Hotch sitting in the seat next to the couch.

Hotch watched her reaction as she was placed down, facing him. She was a bundle of emotions and he couldn't get a read on them all.

She felt scared, apprehensive, sad, embarrassed and there was also a high level of anxiety. She wished that she had known earlier rather than it being thrust upon her. But then she also knew that she would have simply refused. She could still refuse to give her statement now. She still wanted to refuse to give her statement.

Having the people in her innermost circle know what happened to her was not exactly ideal. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to say it.

How much would they be able to take before they realised she was just as weak the person who was responsible for doing this to her? How could she tell them… everything? Some things should be allowed to be kept private. For her to work through by herself.

But then the logical side of her knew why she had to give a statement. She knew it was so that Jake would go to prison and so that they would have all the information for both men to go to prison.

"Hi JJ, how are you doing this morning?"

JJ gave a non-committal shrug, immediately giving Hotch an idea of how the statement process was going to go.

"Is there anything that you want JJ? Is there anything that you need to make this process easier?"

JJ looked around the room at the eyes that watched at her.

She saw the looks that she was getting and then looked down at her hands and began fiddling with her thumbs. "I… you need to go. I don't want you to hear this. I… just no. Just, please go."

JJ didn't look up. She started playing with the dressings on her injured hand and missed the looks of understanding, simply listening for the sound of footsteps as they left.

The pitter patter got further and further away and then when it stopped she allowed her eyes to meet Hotch's.

"Do you need anything else JJ? Water? You haven't eaten this morning yet."

"No thanks. And no. I wouldn't be able to keep it down." She told him quietly.

"Okay JJ. Would you prefer me to ask you questions? Or would you like to just tell me as you can?"

"I'll… I'll just tell you."

"Okay, whenever you're ready. We'll be recording this and I'll take a few notes along the way."

JJ took a deep breath. Normally females in her… situation, gave their statements to female agents. Simply for comfort factor and because it was easier to relate. But with Emily out of action, she was stuck with one of the guys on her team because she knew Penelope couldn't do it. And she didn't want someone else from the Bureau who might gossip. She had done a mental list and eventually ruled them all out until she was left with Hotch.

"I… where do I begin?"

"At the beginning of it all. When you were taken."

"O-okay. Well… I… I was told by the unsubs, - because I didn't know who they were at the time – I was told by a boy that there were two mean men who'd hurt him if I didn't go. And then one said to me on the phone that it was my fault that Emily was hurt and so I went."

JJ started to get emotional. Tears were welling up in her eyes as she thought about Emily's injuries. It really was all her fault.

"I… I…" she began to stutter through a layer of fresh hot tears.

"It's okay JJ, calm down. You are doing just fine. Are you sure you don't want someone – like Penelope – here as well?"

"NO!" she forcefully exclaimed.

"Okay. Okay. Just take your time and we'll start again when you are ready."

JJ breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth.

"I remember meeting someone, and I think I hit someone, and then something around my neck and everything went black. Then I was in the back of something – like a van. It was really hard. I remember that it was hurting my back so I tried to shuffle around a bit. But then I froze. I remember them saying something to me."

She paused. Hotch was anxious, he wanted this over and done with quickly to make this easy for JJ. Well, easier.

"Do you remember it JJ?"

"I… I don't know when they said it. But I wouldn't open my eyes and then I felt h-h-hands. My button. My pants they were going to… to undo them."

Hotch's stomach dropped.

"But I opened my eyes and they didn't." JJ quickly added.

JJ was trying very hard to keep her breathing steady. She reminded herself that she didn't want to embarrass herself by having a panic attack in front of her boss.

"I kicked one of them and then I was choked and I didn't wake up until I was in that damn barn." She told him holding back the tears that were gradually building.

"I… I woke up, and then I was tied to a chair."

JJ was trying to work her way through everything that happened and un-jumble it so that it would make sense in her statement.

"I don't really remember it all. He, he uh, he tazed and drugged me so I only really remember what they did. What he did."

"That's okay JJ, just tell me what you can."

"Jake, he kissed along my neck and… I remember the knife running along the seam of my pants, right, ah, right up to the top and then back down." JJ admitted shyly.

She hated the entire process of giving the statement. But explaining the physical abuse was at least bearable. The sexual aspects made her feel something else. Something… less. Like she wasn't a good agent because she couldn't protect herself.

"My legs…" JJ avoided eye contact. "He used the knife and cut my leg down to my knee. Then the other one down to my ankle and… and made me scream. He… the blood… he…"

JJ's hand began to shake. Hotch was watching her carefully. She had been doing incredibly well but was beginning to deteriorate. He was going to suggest a break soon. But he thought that she could continue for a little while. He knew that she would want to continue.

"He kissed the bloody cuts. It… my blood… it dripped from his lips. And he was enjoying it. I was so angry. I grabbed his ear and pulled it." She told Hotch with the first real energy and fire of the old JJ he had seen since she had been rescued.

Her hand began shaking more intensely than before. "Then he twisted and snapped my finger."

The next part she rushed through quickly. The dislocated knee cap, opening of her shirt and how she received the deep cut between her ribs.

"I had a choice between kissing him or pain. I chose pain."

Hotch knew that that was what they all would have done. But he couldn't help but wish that she had just kissed him. Maybe things would have been different. But then the profile wouldn't necessarily agree. But as a friend he could hope couldn't he?

"I remember passing out for some reason and then coming to reality. I was being carried and then he put me on the bed."

Hotch was watching her fidgeting. It was getting worse. More intense. JJ was beginning to struggle.

"He… he straddled me and… and…"

JJ's entire body was shaking so Hotch decided that it was time to intervene.

"JJ, I think that we need to take a break okay? We can star-"

"No! I want to finish this. I can't stop and start. I want this over and done with. Please Hotch. Please." JJ begged. It was not something Hotch was used to. JJ never begged.

"JJ, if you want to do that then it is really important that you breathe. You are getting really uptight and your breathing is laboured. Can I-" Hotch began to move towards her but JJ shrank further into the couch, and further away from him, giving him the distinct impression that she did not want him near her.

"Okay JJ. But remember to breathe. It is very important."

JJ nodded before gathering her thoughts. "Okay. I can do that. I can do that." She was assuring herself as much as she was Hotch.

"I managed to get him off me after he removed my pants. But… but I was in so much pain Hotch. I, I, I fell, or tripped, or collapsed and when I tried to get up he got me. Then I… he… his lips were on my… my breast and he kissed and licked me. I tried to get away, I really did Hotch." She told him looking for approval.

Hotch felt nothing but sadness as he thought of what to say to his agent. She didn't have to justify herself to him.

"I know you would have JJ. I don't doubt you, honestly."

"Okay. Good. Good." JJ was beginning to rock back and forth. Hotch could see the signs. She was deteriorating even further.

"I kept, kept struggling and that's when the nails went in my hand. He put them through my hand to keep me in place. While he was… kissing me on my… breasts… his hands moved down and he, he moved my… underwear… aside…" JJ flushed bright red and began breathing heavily "… his… I felt him… he, he, he put…" JJ looked up at Hotch pleading with him not to make her say it. But seeing his look, although it was apologetic, she knew what had to be done. The look distinctly sent her the message that she didn't want to receive.

She gulped painfully as she tried not to cry out.

"Heputhisfingersinsideme. Hekeptaddingmoretomakeitmorepainful. And then I used the nail that I managed to get out of my hand and I sunk it into his back, which gave me time to run off into the woods."

Hotch watched as she became even more unsettled. Her chest was heaving with every breath.

"JJ, I think we need t-"

"I kept running and running. It got to the point that I couldn't even feel the glass. I hid and hoped that he wouldn't find me. I was going to wait until day and then try and get help, but then, then, then he, he found me."

Hotch could hear JJ's back forcefully thudding into the back of the couch every time that she rocked back and forth. Her eyes were unfocused as she thought back to that night. Hotch saw the beginnings of a flashback.

"JJ. JJ. We need to take a break now. JJ. JJ, look at me."

"I can't stop. I'm almost done."

"JJ, that's not a good idea."

"He grabbed me, and he put me in a choke hold until I got woozy. Then I remember that he was on top of me when I was on the ground."

Hotch moved over to JJ, trying to bring her back to reality. It was no use. Her eyes were glazed over as she continued to say what had happened, not even noticing that her boss was now crouching beside her.

"I kept fighting him. And trying to scratch and kick at him to try and get away. Then he, he… took the glass off the ground and he used it… On me. He… he used it in me. Over and over. I could feel it. I could feel it tearing through me, through my flesh. His arm was across my neck, keeping me from breathing unless he let me.

I… I… I lost the ability to fight. I couldn't do it. I physically had nothing, no strength left to allow me to get through it and to stop him. I couldn't. And before I knew it-" JJ was sobbing heavily now, each breath becoming shorter and shorter until eventually she was beginning to get the feeling of light headedness. "-he was on top… inside me before I knew it. I wasn't expecting it, and… and I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could. Then everything is a blur until I saw the team and then everything is black."

"Okay JJ. That is good. That's enough. Now you need to breathe. Hotch's hand accidently grazed JJ's leg and it sent her in a downward spiral.

"No. NO. NO! Get away from me! Please. Get away. Please, stop. No more. No more."

Hotch backed away from her "JJ please, listen to me. JJ, you're okay. It's Hotch, your boss. It's Aaron, your friend."

"No stay away." In JJ's mind she was back in the woods, back to where she was going to be attacked and… and raped.

Hotch started to move towards her again, but she was in fight or flight mode and chose flight. Much to Hotch's dismay. She tried to stand, but immediately hit the floor. Her boss was trying to get close enough to talk her down and help her up, but as he got closer and began to hover over her, she associated him with pain. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO." She screeched as loud as she had in the woods.

The pain and the fear that her facial features reflected were torturous to see. He watched her look around in hopes of finding a safe place. She found the coffee table and she began to shuffle under it. Just as she had finished shuffling the trio that had left earlier were in the lounge.

"What happened?"

"She was at the end of the statement and wouldn't stop, then she started to have a panic attack. And now she is under that table. But she also tried to stand up. I'm worried about her feet."

They were looking at each other, but then at the sound of a rhythmic knocking they turned around. JJ was banging her head on the ground moaning and crying and shouting 'no', 'please', and 'stop'.

Derek rushed forward "Oh God. No. JJ, stop. Please."

She tried to shuffle further back but couldn't and only responded by begging to be left alone and banging her head harder.

"Help me move this table."

Hotch and Morgan moved the table and JJ did her best to cower in the fetal position. "Please. Please don't."

Morgan lay down next to JJ making sure not to touch her. "JJ, please. You gotta listen. You gotta breathe. Mimic my breathing. JJ! JJ Listen! JJ!" He became increasingly worried as her breathing only increased in speed and her face was red.

"I can't get her back. What do we do?"

So that was really hard to write. I was unsure of how she would react but I think that because she hadn't even allowed herself to really come to terms with what happened in the woods it would make her explode and now at least it is out and she can try to come to terms with it. ; ) Please let me know what you think. Especially of this chapter. Many thanks. : )