I don't own anything, just borrowing for the purpose of having a bit of fun.

21

After the team and Jack were finished in the pool, the sun had begun to set. Aaron was in charge of getting Jack dressed, and Penelope was helping JJ.

The team headed inside where Jack had his appetite sated with a big bowl of ice cream. Meanwhile, Emily, Aaron, David and Spencer were in the living room having a few laughs.

JJ was in her bedroom with Penelope, being warmed up. Her lips had begun to turn blue because she had been in the pool for such a long time enjoying herself. When Morgan had gotten dressed, he joined the rest of the team in the lounge as well.

Penelope wheeled JJ into the lounge when she was dry and nicely snuggled in some tracksuit pants and a jumper. As JJ made her way closer to the team, they couldn't help but notice how her eyes were downcast.

JJ had some mixed emotions in this moment. She was elated when she thought about the time she had spent in the pool with Morgan and Jack. But at the same time, there was a high level of embarrassment when she thought about her bosses; her friends saying seeing the most battered and vulnerable parts of her body. Sure, there had been evidence photographs taken, and they probably saw those. As well as seeing her when they rescued her. But she had barely been conscious. Today was a lot harder. They could clearly see the physical scars and that made her cringe. But at the same time, she was worried that they would see the link between her physical scars and her emotions that were linked to them, which she didn't quite yet know how to categorise. It has been one of the hardest things she had done in a long time. But it was so worth it, because she could not get the smiling face of little Jack out of her mind. And somehow, that made something that was so, so hard, that little fraction easier.

Her team, the amazing profilers they were, could sense her internal struggle. But also knowing the person she was, they knew better than to bring it up.

Instead they went along the path of distraction. Namely using Jack as the centre of the distraction.

And somehow, as quick as they had arrived, unfortunately they then had to leave.

As hard as Emily had tried to pretend that she was okay, and in some respects she was, she still was not as okay as she thought she was. Her team could see that. And they hoped she would see the path that she still had yet to take. As much as JJ have been through, Emily had also experienced a lot, and that was something she still needed to work through.

O/o

The next day two things were happening. JJ was going to continue to work on her physical therapy. And Emily was going through the beginnings of getting signed off by the FBI psychologist. Though the first and possibly the biggest hurdle in that track, was getting Emily out the door and into the 'head shrinkers' office.

Morgan and Penelope had been involved in a covert huddle the night before, when their two female friends had been in bed.

It was decided it would be easiest to divide and conquer.

Penelope was going to sweet talk Emily into the nice woman's office, and Derek was going to work with JJ once again, and hopefully talk about yesterday so they could move on from there.

After everyone had gotten through their morning routines, the duo told the ladies what was on the cards for that day.

Emily was displeased, but she always was when she was having to do something that she really didn't want to do.

JJ on the other hand had been quiet and was looking down at her hands.

"What's up buttercup? That sound okay to you?"

JJ looked up with an open mouth, but there were no words to accompany it. Just a pursing of her lips and a furrowing of her brows.

The other three were struggling with what she was trying to get across, but Derek could get the gist of it.

"You know what? I could do with an outing. I can take Princess today, that way I can kick her butt through the door if she needs it. And baby girl you could stay here and work with Jayje. You know, get her in tip top shape before her physio session tomorrow. Does that work for everyone?"

Penelope and Emily were verbal with their agreements, but JJ just went back to her hands and nodded silently.

O/o

JJ's head was still hung low when Derek and Emily had left. She didn't really want to talk. There was a lot going on inside her head and she couldn't quite make sense of everything all at once.

Penelope and JJ had been working on the walking for about 15 minutes when she needed a break. She had a small sheen of sweat across her forehead, but moreover was proud of what she had accomplished in that short time. She could really feel herself regaining her strength. Slowly for sure, but still, something good was happening. Finally.

When she sat down on the edge of the bed, her mind started to wander. She left for a little while. A mental check out. And when she came back Penelope was right there, sitting very close to her but not quite touching her.

"You okay chicken? You zoned out on me for a while there."

JJ furrowed her brows and sighed a heavy sigh.

Silence hung in the air between them for a while.

"I don't know what's wrong with me Pen."

JJ tensed her hands. "I know Derek, and I know the person he is inside his heart. I know that things happen accidently. And I also know that in my heart I don't blame him or hold anything against him for you know… accidentally…"

"I do sweets, he told me yesterday. And he feels awful."

JJ slapped her hand on the bed and growled out. "I know!"

Penelope took a shuffle away from JJ, and hopped off the bed, moving to kneel in front of her. Lower than JJ's head was, so Pen could look up and try and make eye contact, because JJ's eyes had been looking at the floor most of the time.

"Why are you angry Jayje?"

"I don't know!" JJ kept breathing and then opened her mouth to respond. "I'm not angry at him. Or you. Or anybody. I am angry at… at me. I am so pissed that I want to yell and scream. But I want to yell and scream at myself because I'm the reason that I'm in this position."

"Jayje… it's not your fault that he hurt you."

"I know that Penelope. My logical mind knows so much. And I know what I would say to someone in this position who wasn't me. But logical reasoning doesn't work in this situation."

"That's because this situation is anything but logical. In what logical world can anyone choose to do such awful things to another human being. It doesn't make any sense."

"I know… it sucks."

"That's very true hun. It does suck, a lot. But have you thought about listening to a different part of you. You are struggling with a bunch of different emotions right now. And by in large, a lot of the emotions we feel aren't logical. Emotions don't always make sense, but it doesn't mean that they're wrong either. Sometimes you just gotta let yourself feel them instead of fighting them."

"But I don't want to feel them."

"Because they hurt?"

"Because they don't make sense."

Garcia looked at JJ. "Didn't we just cover that?"

JJ smiled briefly, but then went back to looking at her hands. She was repeatedly tensing and relaxing them in a bid to try and quell the inner turmoil that she was currently feeling.

Garcia felt like there was a reason that JJ brought the whole thing up, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

"JJ… what's happening for you right now?"

JJ was tensing up. She didn't look present and a look of fear had started to cross her face.

Penelope didn't touch her, not wanting to exacerbate what JJ was going though in that moment. But she still felt the need to get to the bottom of it.

JJ meanwhile, was somewhere else. She was back van, then in the shed, and then in the woods. How could she be in all those places at once? How was that possible? There were hands, and they were working their way over her body. Across her skin, towards her breas…

"JJ… buttercup I need you to come back to me."

JJ made eye contact briefly but then looked away as her cheeks became rosy.

"JJ, I need you to look at me." When she didn't Penelope elaborated. "I need you to look at me because you keep checking out. And when you do that you look more scared than I have ever seen you in my entire life. I want you to look at me, because I want to keep you here. I want to keep you grounded sweetie."

Penelope continued to coach her until eventually their eyes met.

"What happened JJ?"

JJ tried to look away, but Penelope gently told her to keep the contact.

"I don't know."

With the sass that only Penelope could give she retorted "And I don't know how good my chocolate love muffin looks in a speedo."

JJ couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"That's right. You and I both know that's not true. Sweetheart, something is scaring the crap out of you."

"I… I don't… I kn… I know Derek… Far out. I hate this."

"I'm sure you do."

JJ stopped to re-collect herself.

"I keep going back… there." JJ emphasised the 'there'.

Penelope tried to dance around it delicately. "To the woods?"

"To all the stuff, to back then."

"Like just now?"

"Yeah. I keep getting flashbacks. I… I didn't really get anything until after my statement. And then I was so physically unwell and struggling, that I had to focus on that. But I think I am working on that. And I am being kinder to myself on that front. But now there is this space in my head and it's getting filled with all this stuff that I don't want it to get filled with. There's now this room for all the bad memories and thoughts and feelings to get in. And now everyday things are setting me off. My friends are setting me off, and I don't want to keep going back there. I don't like being there. Because even when I come back, I don't feel fully safe in the present. I feel like there is something around there corner and like there is going to be someone who will finish what they started."

Penelope was struggling for words.

"Hunny, I… I can't…"

"See. You can't deal with this. It's too much and that's why I didn't tell anyone."

"JJ don't think that you can't tell anyone."

"But I can't. Because I'm ashamed." JJ was like a train on a roll and she wasn't about to stop in that moment. Before she knew it, she was blurting things out left and right. "And every time something happens like with Derek yesterday, I have to fight so hard to stay here. But it is so hard. I keep feeling the past coming into the present. And it scares me. Because I don't want being around my friends to make me feel like this. Because it isn't you. It's me. And I just feel like the penny is going to drop, and that someone is going to come back and get me. And then all of this will have been for nothing. And I can't handle it. I hate this uncertainty. I hate feeling like this. Like… like I wish I was dead… because that's where I'd be better off."

And that's when she stopped. That's when she looked at Penelope and realised she had said too much.

Hey everyone. So, I have been really on and off recently. But in the past week or so I got a review from PatternOfDarkness and Kensi1997 and that kind of gave me a kick I needed. I have an idea for the next chapter (Derek and Emily), but I would love some ideas of what you might like to see in the future. Often it will be something that I haven't thought of.

I can't really say anything other than I'm so sorry for my up and down. I haven't abandoned this but have had a few other things going on. I want to keep this going though. I forgot how much I like writing the sweet and vulnerable moments.

Thanks for being so patient and I hope you liked the chapter and that you keep reading. Let me know what you think. Thanks x