Chapter 123:
Gajeel didn't really know why he came here. He just did. The whole train ride he had just stared forward, his mind trapped in a numb haze. He walked through the cobblestone streets, lingering in darkened places until night fell and he could wander his way to a bar that he knew would soon be closing. Each step he took through the picturesque town made his chest bubble with toxic, black ink.
He remembered so well the last time he was here, how Laxus had been by his side. He remembered the gas lamps. The darkened shops, once filled with warmth and the vivacious laughter of tourists, now were shuttered and cold. He remembered climbing the mountain, and how Laxus had looked haloed by the light of the sun. He shambled past the road that led to the hot spring. His mind's eye pictured the way Laxus had folded around him protectively. Thunder had rolled and static had danced over the water, nearly kissing it. How he'd held him after they'd had sex. How he'd snuck out in the middle of the night. He'd felt guilty, hadn't he? Told himself he wouldn't mind if Laxus hated him so long as he kept him safe. What a stupid bastard he was. How absolutely fucking arrogant. To think, he'd even proclaimed as much to Davian. And now he was running, terrified of what it would mean if Laxus decided this was their bitter ending.
His heart hurt.
He opened the door to the bar and drifted inside like a wraith to an empty house, his eyes falling immediately to what he was looking for. Hajime was behind the bar, his back to him. He was rearranging bottles and wiping down the serving area.
"Last call's already been had," he said, not glancing towards him.
Gajeel didn't know what to say, so he just stood there darkening the doorway. There were only a few people left, picking at their food and finishing their drinks. His stomach writhed and he realized it would still be a while before the place was empty. Maybe he should come back?
"Gajeel?" Hajime finally spotted him, a smile starting to pull onto his face and then immediately falling away as he took him in. His eyes searched behind him for just a moment, realizing he was alone, "Everythin' alright, lad?"
"Yeah, uhh..." he hesitated, glancing again to the other customers, "Just wanted to... talk."
Hajime frowned, "T'sa long way from Magnolia, lad."
Gajeel didn't reply. He shrugged, not moving from his miserable place by the door. Hajime nodded towards the kitchen and Gajeel immediately headed back that way, thankful to have something to occupy his mind. He scooped up some dirty glasses on his way back, not meeting Hajime's eyes as he did so.
He could hear humming from the kitchen. Lorelai was doing the dishes and did a double take when she realized he was there. Her frown was sharp and she gave him a critical look, putting her hands on her hips. Gajeel stopped what he was doing, silently wondering what he could have messed up already. All he'd done was bring in some cups.
"Oh no... no. The last time you were here, he shipped us off with Sal for months." she said, her face cross, "What do you want?"
"I... just sorta needed someone to talk to," he mumbled, not looking at her.
"Someone to talk to? About what?" she pressed, leaning towards him, "More mercenary business? I won't have it."
"It ain't nothin' like that. I swear," he muttered, setting the dishes down.
"Yeah? Then what is it?" she said leaning towards him. She smelled like flowers. Her auburn hair was falling free from a messy bun low on her neck. She flicked water from her hands and crossed her arms. He reminded her of the quintessential angry mother, down to the disapproving frown, the sharp upward pull of her eyebrow. He felt ashamed for being here.
"Relationship advice?" he said.
"Relationship advice? Really?" her voice dripped with sarcasm, "You expect me to believe that?"
"I guess."
"You don't have anyone else you can talk to?" she gave him a reproachful up and down, "Someone your own age?"
"Thought I'd ask the guy who'd been married for the better part of twenty years," he replied, feeling more and more like he should just leave.
Lorelai scoffed, "I don't believe that for one second. You're here about some other shady business, and I'll tell you now, you're not dragging my husband back into your... issues."
"Right, yeah." the pain in his chest intensified. His throat closed, "I can go."
"Good," she nodded, her frown easing only slightly, "We have a daughter, you know. We can't uproot her like that again."
"Yeah... I'll..."
"I don't know why he got involved with you in the first place. He knows better," she fretted, somewhat to herself as she moved dishes into soapy water, "After what you did to him..." her eyes suddenly snapped over Gajeel's shoulder and her edges turned sharp, "Don't you give me that look!"
Gajeel hesitantly glanced back to see Hajime had lumbered into the kitchen. His massive arms were crossed and he looked furious, "Now you wait right there."
"I will not!" she stomped her foot, "We talked about this!"
"Yer speakin' on things you don't know about," Hajime said, not raising his voice even though he was clearly angry. Gajeel stood between them awkwardly, wishing he could just disappear.
"Things I don't know about?" she demanded, looking pointedly at his scar. Hajime's frown deepened, "Who was it that nursed your face, now? Helped you through learning to live with sight in one eye? Go on. Tell me."
Hajime let out a tense breath.
"Defend yerself, lad." he commanded.
Gajeel flinched, "It ain't worth all this. Really. I'll go-"
"I said," Hajime's tone was hard as granite. His cold blue eyes pierced into him like silvery bullets. It was bizarre the way he didn't raise his voice. Gajeel remembered so many times he'd lost his temper, screamed and yelled and sent red lightning striking around him as he ripped into him over some stupid stunt he did. Somehow, this seemed worse, "Defend yerself."
"I didn't come here to ruin your marriage." Gajeel said, stepping back from them, looking for an exit. Hajime squared himself, trapping him in that stifling kitchen with Lorelai who looked like she wished he'd drop dead. "I'll leave."
Hajime didn't budge, staring into him in a way Gajeel didn't understand. He wanted to lash out, to drag down the metal rack beside him and scream. A knot fisted in his throat, making it hurt. He dropped his eyes to the ground. He didn't want to look at Lorelai.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Tell her what happened. Defend yerself, lad. Why'd ya markup my face?" his tone lost some of its edge, "You gonna punish yerself for what happened forever, too? Let's all move on. Come on. I certainly ain't losin' sleep over it. Time for you two to stop too."
Gajeel glanced over to Lorelai, still angry but now her lips were pursed. Her eyes looked watery. He felt guilty all over again.
"I was supposed to kill 'im," he said quietly. Her brow furrowed as she processed his words. "I... couldn't do it."
She shot a look to Hajime, silently asking for confirmation. Hajime softened, "You remember the kinda man Jose was, love. He wasn't intendin' ta let me go."
"M'sorry," Gajeel mumbled, but it hardly made it out of his mouth. He was fighting tears again, drowning the feeling in his incoherent rambling, "I didn't... I couldn't say no. I had to... I was supposed to... I couldn't say no."
"I know," Hajime said gently, all the harshness gone from his tone. He looked to Lorelai whose eyes were wet, "Now, we all know. T's in the past. Let's move on."
"Hajime Kaiyu," Lorelai said, her face rigid, "I don't want him around my daughter."
"Yer not bein' fair," he protested.
"It's fine." Gajeel said, running his fingers through his hair. He instinctively reached for his cigarettes only to realize they weren't there. He'd left them... somewhere, "It ain't worth this. I didn't mean to... the last thing I wanna do is cause you more trouble..."
"Ye ain't causin' trouble, lad," Hajime insisted, "Yer welcome here."
"No, he's not." Lorelai stated, putting her hands on her hips decisively.
"Woman, now-"
"Don't you woman me!" she yelled, shaking her finger at him, "This man is not allowed in this bar!"
Again, Gajeel attempted to leave and again Hajime swelled to fill the doorway, "Hajime, please. I'll go see my therapist. That's sensible, ain't it? Let me leave."
"Ain't it, though? And that's where ye'll be goin'? Not off boozin' somewheres where no one can find ye?" he accused, giving him a hard look, "And that knife wit'ye?"
"You ain't responsible for that man-!" Lorelai started.
"Belay that!" Hajime shouted, silencing them both as he finally raised his voice. Lorelai looked shocked, her hand flying to her chest. Gajeel, for the millionth time, wished he could just sink into the ground. He clenched his fists and tried to make himself as small as possible, waiting for when Hajime would begin yelling at him. He didn't. Instead, he took a deep breath and slowly let it out, his eyes pinning to his wife.
"I've always protected you from these things, Lori. I can't fault ye fer what ye don't know. Now, you need ta understand this. I left, love, because you asked me to, but Jose didn't want me leavin' in nothin' other than a body bag, ye understand?"
Lorelai nodded her head slowly, her lips pressed together.
"My life wit' you has been more than I could ever deserve, you know that. And by thunder, I'd go back and be blinded in both eyes 'fore I chose the alternative. I'm alive because he took the fall for me. You need to understand that. As fer shippin' you and Maia off, ye know it was a precaution. If ye were in any real danger, I'd be tearin' the world apart a'fore I let somethin' happen to my girls. You knew what ye were gettin' inta marryin' a merc. I told ye, this life wasn't gonna end when I left and it didn't. But left I did, and I abandoned that boy in that place," he pointed to Gajeel and he felt like he was going to be sick, "because you asked me to. No one dragged him outta there but 'imself. If he's here askin' me fer somethin' now, the door is open to 'im."
Lorelai tapped her foot, a scowl on her face. Hajime's face, though, went soft. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"All the hell I've put you through over the years, and this is what yer gonna leave me over, Lori?" he asked sweetly.
"Oh, don't be dramatic, Haj. I'm not leavin' you, and you know it." she tutted at him. She gathered up her apron, wiping her hands, "Fine. But you mark me, there'll be hell to pay if that girl misses school again, Hajime Kaiyu."
"Course, love," he said affectionately.
Lorelai left with one final huff. A door slammed somewhere and Gajeel listened as her footsteps receded up some stairs. He still felt miserable and itched to make a break for it when Hajime finally stepped from the door. The man seemed onto him, though, because he placed his hand firmly on Gajeel's shoulder.
"Alright, now, why don't we go to the bar, eh? I'll let ye have somethin' on the house," he said, bullying him back into the main tavern.
"I don't know if I should," Gajeel confessed, begrudgingly taking a seat across from him. "Really, I can go."
"I won't hear another word about it," Hajime cut him off, "Now, what's got ye darkenin' my doorstep again, lad?"
He pulled out his cigarettes and offered one to Gajeel who graciously took it. Hajime's eyes drifted over his gloved hands, noticing the way they trembled. His brow furrowed with concern, but he said nothing, lighting his own and pouring himself some bourbon whiskey. The smells were so familiar, the situation was so familiar, Gajeel felt the itch to grab his knife to worry in his hands. He chuckled sourly.
"I'm sorry, Hajime. I dragged ya inta this... yer fightin' with yer wife... because of me..."
"Oh that? That ain't a fight, lad," he sighed out some smoke, "Bit of a disagreement, that, but she came 'round in the end. Don't let 'er fool you, the moment she saw ye lookin' at yer boots she felt bad fer it. Just a mama bear thinkin' she needs to protect her cubs, is all."
"Yeah... I guess..." Gajeel muttered.
"Ye gonna keep starin' at yer hands or ya gonna tell me what's goin' on?" he prompted, assuming all the benevolence of a father over their crying child. Gajeel certainly wanted to cry. He hoped he wouldn't, though he knew Hajime wouldn't judge him. He never did. Maybe that was why he was here.
"I fucked up, Hajime... for real, this time." he said, his voice immediately beginning to tremble.
"I doubt that." he said, calmly. Gajeel was already fighting tears. Hajime's eyes widened and he rubbed at his jaw, worried. "Aw, come now, lad... just start at the beginnin'. We'll figure it out."
Gajeel took a shaky breath. From the beginning? From the beginning?
He started the beginning.
Everything, all of it; it spilled out of his mouth like the soiled water of a bucket that had finally been kicked over. Once he started, he just kept picking up speed. He told him everything. Word vomited all over the bar top, sobbing his heart out like the blubbering mess that he was.
He told him about how Laxus had gotten hit with a potion that made him go into heat, how he'd been raped in a cave because of a woman with a twisted vendetta. He told him about how he'd refused to tell Laxus what had happened, because of what he'd done to Juvia. He told him what he'd done to Juvia, what Jose had done and how he'd laid into him and called him nothing, reminded him the world would be better without him. He told him about laying in the middle of nowhere in heat, how Bianca had found him, caught him, and tortured him for nearly two weeks. He told him how he'd thought of Laxus, how he'd been used against him, how he'd broken into a million pieces that he still hadn't quite put back together. He told him of the elation of slitting the throat of someone you hated more than anyone else in the world, and the crushing weight of his guilt afterwards, how it had all been a trap he'd walked senselessly into.
He told him about depression, about suicide, about being desperate to end it and having someone talk you out of it. He told him about running, about being watched, about hiding it from Laxus so he wouldn't know. He told him about figuring out his feelings, how it went against everything he knew about being a man from Phantom Lord. He told him about climbing a mountain, about making rings and falling hopelessly in love, about becoming obsessed, about having sex with something that seemed untouchable for the first time. He told him about Phantom Risers and Unaven, about choosing to be better, and how it didn't matter because he was killed anyway.
He told him about prison, about a lacrima he'd never wanted to see again, about fighting a losing battle and what happened when a god came down to save you. He told him about the safe house, about being in heat with someone he loved and how for the first time it wasn't horrible, and about how he didn't deserve any of it. He told him about depression again, about how it felt to learn the person you loved more than anything had befriended someone who hated you while you were away. About learning everything he had done to hide Kahli had been for nothing.
He told him about coming home, about wanting to run away, about dancing and therapy, making love for the first time and having someone tell him he was beautiful. He told him about not wanting to die anymore. He told him about Orotrushit and how cruel he was. He told him about finding pieces of his dad in places he shouldn't be, about a lightning dragon that was killed slowly and painfully. He told him about what happened to Krew, what happened to Erandi, and about how he died because Laxus was dying too. He told him about seeing Father and being too scared to do anything. And then, he told him about their fight. He told him about getting drunk and high and everything that happened with Jet and Bickslow and Freed, and how he'd fucked up. How this was it. He wasn't coming back from this one.
Everything, all that had happened to them, how they'd experienced it all together, they'd gained scars together, and now he was somehow so different but exactly the same. Still messing things up. Still running to drink and drugs even though he didn't want to kill himself anymore. Still reckless. Still aching. Still wanting. Again, he thought he was where he was supposed to be, living so blissfully unaware of the damage he was leaving in his wake until it was too late. He'd fucked up again... and now he was sobbing his heart out at the bar while Hajime listened. The bar keep, his mentor, who he always derided by calling him old and dismissed when he was worried, a person he still had a hard time admitting was one of the only father figures he'd ever had. He listened in stoic silence, a tear never slipping down his face despite how clouded his eyes became and how his knuckles bloomed white from how his fists clenched. He sipped on his drink and he listened and he said nothing until Gajeel was done.
"I just... I just didn't want him to hate himself like I did... I thought-I told myself I could handle it if he hated me for it..." he wept, far past the point of brushing tears away with his hands and now just letting them fall, "I didn't know it was bad to want to keep that from him."
"Ah, lad..." Hajime said, his voice full of knowing and pain, "Sometimes... we can mean all the best in the world but the people we care the most about would still rather learn their lessons the hard way."
Gajeel rubbed his eyes, feeling as bloody and raw as a fresh stab wound, "T's not my fault. I never had a fuckin' chance."
"Ah lad, I didn't mean to say..."
"I feel like Icarus." Gajeel wilted like grass on fire.
"Icarus?" Hajime asked, giving him a sad, apologetic look, "I don't know what yer meanin', lad."
"The story of Icarus and his dad? Can't remember his name, but he was a genius inventor who made him wings out of wax and feathers? Everyone tells that story, about how he flies too close to the sun, and he burns when he falls into the ocean. It's always his fault fer tryin' to touch the sun." Gajeel said, his voice trembling. His tears were returning anew, bitter with sorrow he wasn't even attempting to hide, "But they leave out the part that his dad gave him those wings, the dad he trusted to help him fly to freedom. His dad strapped him to a death trap, but everyone blames Icarus for how he fell."
Hajime's lack of understanding melted into something Gajeel didn't want to look at, so he stared at the bar, wiping away tears.
"I feel like Icarus..." his voice was gutted and deep in his throat, "It ain't my fault, is it? I was doomed from the start. No one taught me how to love right, they just taught me how to survive. My dad was a dragon. What did he know about how to love people? And you? You looked out fer me but... but I'm not a dragon, Hajime, I never had wings. I was given a deathtrap and expected to figure out how to fly."
Gajeel didn't know when Hajime had moved, just that suddenly massive arms were wrapping around him and drawing him close, smothering his face into his chest. He smelled the agonizing scent of tears, but that could have meant anything, and Hajime didn't cry. The only time he cried was when it was raining. Gajeel, though, had all but cried himself out, now, annoyed by his own despair.
"I'm so, so sorry, Gajeel." Hajime breathed.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Hajime. He's the sun that I'm reaching towards, and I keep catching fire whenever I think I'm close. I wanted a future with him, y'know? I thought maybe... maybe one day..." he couldn't say it. It was too painful, "It hurts... to think he hates me."
"He don't hate ya, lad. He's in pain," Hajime said gently, drawing him back to look down on him, "Ye've been green b'fore. The first time you saw a man die like that, I thought fer sure you'd kill yerself with booze. That's where he was. When people hurt like that, they do things they don't mean."
"I don't know what to do," Gajeel said again, "After Bix... they're friends, Hajime."
"A mistake, yes, but I think ye'll come back, yet. You put a stop to it, when things started gettin' too far." he said lowly. "Though, he better hope to whatever god he believes in I don't meet 'im, lest he get somethin' ta remember me by."
"He was drunk, too." Gajeel muttered.
"He knew what he was doin'," Hajime said, and released him. He leaned his elbow on the counter, looking like he'd aged five years just from their conversation. He lit another cigarette, "I think ye got some work ta do, lad, but this ain't broken beyond repair. Love sometimes brings out nasty things in people, but true love weathers these things, and is stronger for it."
"I don't think I believe in true love," Gajeel said.
"Sounds like ye've already given up when you say shit like that," he said, "Ye love 'im, don't che? More than anything?"
"Of course, I do." Gajeel said breathlessly. He laughed, a sour sound, "I could... I could break under the weight of how much I love him. I hate wine, but I'd drink a bottle of his name just to have another taste of him... and I can't stand to travel, but I'd man a boat if it meant I could glimpse him at the shore. Hajime, if all he ever was to me was another scar, I'd walk across the ocean floor just to feel the pain of it again."
"Those sure are pretty words, I'll give ya that." Hajime murmured, "Now, pardon me fer bein' presumptuous, but it seems since the beginnin' of... this, he's been chasin' after you in one way or another. If yer meanin' what you say, then maybe it's time you started chasin' after him."
"Chase after him...?" Gajeel said, feeling hopeless and cold, "What if he doesn't want me anymore?"
"That's the risk we take, lad, when we let someone in. The kinda lives we've lived, t's hard ta find someone willin' to love the likes of us despite the blood we've left behind. I can't imagine it's somethin' that ain't worth a little fight ta keep around," Hajime said gently. "You and I... we see this life of ours a little differently, don't we?"
"What do you mean?" Gajeel asked.
"We've both done our fair share of bad things... Now, I know neither of us ever went about lookin' for ways of... of redemption. We know there ain't a point in that. But Gajeel, I try ta look at it in the mouth. Gettin' out of Phantom Lord was a chance at livin' a good life, bein' the man I didn't think I could be. You seem ta think it means you need to pay fer what you did for the rest of yer life. What kinda life is that ta have, lad? Just sounds a bit like hell ta me."
Gajeel looked down at his hands. He heard Hajime sigh, gearing up for what he was sure he thought was a good speech. Gajeel braced himself.
"Now, you and me, we had a deal, didn't we, Gajeel Redfox? No matter what ye go through, you do whatever it takes, lad, to get back home. You promised me that," he said, catching Gajeel's eyes and holding them, "That angry woman upstairs, my daughter, this bar, that's my home now. And Laxus, he's yours, lad. It's time you went back to him... and you do whatever it takes to make it right."
Gajeel choked a little, but swallowed down what was left of his grief. He rubbed his eyes, pushing away the last of his tears. Hajime had once called it pulling himself up by his bootstraps when he did this. He nodded at him, trying to look half as determined as he knew he should be. Inside, he was still terrified of the possibilities ahead of him.
"There's a good lad," he said, and paused, fighting with something on the tip of his tongue. Gajeel thought maybe it was another speech, but it turned into something quite different, "You know, I've always viewed you a bit like a son ta me. I might not have said it but leavin' you behind was one a' my... biggest regrets..."
"Hajime..."
"Forgive an old man for bein' sentimental, but I just want ya to know... I'm proud of who you became, no matter what it took ta get there," his voice warbled and he cleared his throat. He sniffed and attempted to hide it by clearing his throat, "Now... my door is open to ya, Gajeel. You always remember that. And I want you to bring that boyfriend of yers back here after ye make up so I can lecture both of yens on how to properly fight with each other. No more of this runnin' away shit when yer mad. You understand me?"
"Yeah..." Gajeel's voice was nothing, not even a whisper. He was so tired of crying, "...yeah, I will. I promise."
Author's Notes:
Lorelei HATES Gajeel. For good reason, I think. Attacked her husband and then got her and their daughter shipped off with Sal (who is super, super seedy) because Hajime was given a death threat. Could you imagine him turning up at your door asking for RELATIONSHIP ADVICE? I'd be like gtfo too.