chapter 5

we learn to live with the pain

"Hi."

Erin's voice was soft, her eyes searching Jay's face for any sign of recognition or acceptance. Jay's heart skipped a beat at the sight of her, a mixture of relief and apprehension washing over him. He hadn't expected to see her here, not after their encounter at the club.

"Erin, what are you doing here?" Jay asked, his voice tinged with a hint of concern as he stepped aside to let her in, mindful of the cold wind blowing in from outside.

Erin pushed past him, her eyes scanning the room in a clearly alert state. "I secured that nobody followed me here," she replied as she made her way into the house. As Jay looked at her, the sound of Antonio's steps echoed the silence. "We need to talk," she added cryptically, her voice low and urgent.

Antonio rose from the couch, his hand still hovering near his gun. "What's going on?" he inquired, his tone serious.

Erin turned to face them, her gaze steady. "I did something," she began, her voice trembling slightly with nerves. "Something that might help."

Jay and Antonio exchanged a puzzled glance, unsure of what Erin was getting at. "What do you mean?" Jay pressed, his tone curious yet insistent.

Erin took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to say, as the three of them sat down in the living room. "I planted microphones in their office," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

Jay's eyes widened in surprise, his hand relaxing slightly on his gun. "You what?" he exclaimed, his shock giving way to disbelief and also a little disappointment that she had gone there without telling them and, above all, alone.

Erin nodded, her expression determined. "Hank gave them to me yesterday morning," she explained, her voice tinged with a hint of defiance.

Antonio's gaze flickered between Jay and Erin, his expression a mix of surprise and admiration. "That's bold," he remarked with a small smile, his voice filled with a slight sense of respect for Erin's courage.

Erin nodded, her eyes meeting Jay's with a hint of apology. "I know I should have told you, but I couldn't risk tipping them off," she explained, her voice tinged with sincerity.

Jay swallowed hard, as his initial frustration grew to a giving way of understanding.

Antonio glanced at Jay, a sense of awe creeping into his expression. "This could definitely step things up," he murmured, his mind already racing with the possibilities.

Jay nodded in agreement, his mind buzzing with excitement. "If we can use those microphones to gather evidence of their illegal activities, we might finally have the leverage we need to bring them down," he declared, his voice filled with determination.

As the night wore on and exhaustion weighed heavily on their shoulders, Antonio excused himself to get some much-needed rest. With a weary nod, he disappeared into his room, leaving Jay and Erin alone in the dimly lit living room.

The silence that settled between them was thick with unspoken tension, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Jay watched Erin from across the room, his mind swirling with a mixture of admiration and concern for her bravery.

Erin, sensing his gaze, turned to face him, her eyes searching his for any sign of judgment or disappointment. But instead, she found only understanding and a shared sense of determination.

"We need to talk," Jay finally broke the silence, his voice soft yet firm.

Erin nodded in agreement, her heart pounding in her chest as she braced herself for what was to come. She knew that their relationship had always been complicated, but now more than ever, they needed to be honest with each other.

Taking a deep breath, Jay crossed the room to where Erin was sitting, his movements slow and deliberate. He settled onto the couch beside her, their shoulders almost touching as they sat in companionable silence.

"I just want you to know that I appreciate what you did tonight," Jay began, his voice filled with sincerity. "I know it wasn't easy, but you took a risk for the sake of the mission, and I respect that."

Erin's eyes softened at his words, a wave of relief washing over her. She had been prepared for anger or disappointment, but Jay's understanding took her by surprise.

"Thank you," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "I couldn't stand by and do nothing while they continue to exploit innocent people."

"I get that, really." Jay cleared his throat before adding, "Listen, I... I don't know what's the deal with Kyle, but he warned me that you're off-limits. What do you think this means?"

Erin's brow furrowed in confusion at Jay's revelation about Kyle's warning. She couldn't help but feel a sense of unease at the implications of his words.

"I'm not sure," Erin admitted, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "But he has his favourites, dancers, you know. Maybe there's something up his sleeve. We need to be cautious and keep our guard up."

Jay nodded in agreement, his expression serious. "Agreed. We can't afford to underestimate them or let our guard down, especially now that we know they're up to something."

As they sat in the dimly lit living room, the weight of their conversation hung heavy in the air, Erin's body felt all the tiredness and sleepless nights she was facing at the club.

"I should be going," Erin stated, getting up, "Guess we'll see each other soon." Jay nodded uncertainly, as she collected her jacket and bag.

As Erin made her way to the door, Jay called out to her, his voice filled with a sense of urgency.

"Erin, wait," Jay said, his tone earnest. "Stay."

Erin turned back to face Jay, her expression a mix of surprise and uncertainty. "Stay?" she echoed, her voice tinged with disbelief.

Jay nodded, his gaze steady as he met her eyes. "Yeah, stay." He muttered as he touched his neck, "I mean, it's practically morning, we could try to catch up on some..stuff."

Erin hesitated for a moment, considering Jay's invitation. Despite the exhaustion weighing heavily on her, she couldn't deny the comfort of being with him, especially in the midst of this dangerous mission.

After a moment of silent contemplation, Erin made her decision. "Okay," she said softly, a hint of gratitude in her voice.

With a sense of relief washing over him, Jay gestured for Erin to take a seat on the couch once again. As she settled beside him, he couldn't help but feel a wave of gratitude for her presence.

"Tell me about New York." He asked, while handing her a pot of coffee.

"You know, almost two years have passed, yet I still can't quite fathom the city," she explained, "I love my job, I'm just… it's…"

"Different." Jay concluded for her, knowing where her mind was going. He always knows, even after all these damn years.

Erin nodded, a faint smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Yeah, different," she agreed, her voice tinged with nostalgia. "Not that I had much time to explore it, but I don't know if that's my place...I don't know if you get it."

Jay listened intently, his gaze fixed on Erin as she spoke. He could sense the mix of emotions swirling within her, her mind still hung up on Chicago, the bittersweet memories of a city that had shaped her in ways she couldn't fully articulate.

"Have you been undercover much?" He asked, knowing how this kind of job would also entail that kind of missions.

"Three times. The first in Bolivia, for three months. Right after I left Chicago." She sighed at the memories, they still hit close to home.

Jay listened intently as Erin recounted her experiences with undercover work. He could sense the weight of her words, the toll each mission had taken on her.

"Bolivia?" Jay raised his eyebrows, trying to imagine it. "That sounds intense."

Erin nodded, a flicker of sadness crossing her features. "It was," she admitted, her voice tinged with nostalgia. "But it was also eye-opening. I saw things there that I never could have imagined."

Jay reached out, gently squeezing Erin's hand in a silent gesture of support. He knew that the world of undercover work was a dangerous one, filled with risks and sacrifices. But he also knew that Erin was strong, resilient, and more than capable of handling whatever challenges came her way.

"And what about the other two?" Jay asked, his curiosity piqued. He wanted to understand more about Erin's experiences and the journey that had led her to this moment.

Erin took a deep breath, her mind drifting back to her time undercover. "The second one was in Brazil. The last... I really don't like to talk about it that much..."

As Erin hesitated to talk about her last undercover mission, Jay noticed the subtle shift in her demeanor, the guarded expression that clouded her features. He knew better than to press her further, respecting her boundaries and the unspoken scars that still lingered beneath the surface.

"Hey, it's okay," Jay reassured her, his voice gentle yet supportive. "You don't have to talk about it if you aren't ready."

Erin offered him a grateful smile, her eyes softening at his understanding. "Thanks," she replied, her voice filled with appreciation. "Now tell me about here, hasn't anything changed? It's the same old Chicago?"

Jay chuckled at Erin's question, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Chicago never really changes," he replied. "But there's something about it, you know? Something that keeps pulling you back, no matter where life takes you."

Erin nodded in agreement, her gaze fixed on Jay as he spoke. "Yeah, I know what you mean," she admitted, her voice soft with understanding. "There's just something about this city that gets under your skin and stays with you, no matter how far you go."

"Exactly." he assured, an uneasy feeling on him, wondering if he should tell Erin about his dad, about the downfall his life had taken since she left.

Jay decided to get it off his chest, breathing heavily before actually getting that out, "My dad died, two months ago."

Erin's expression softened at Jay's revelation, "Oh my god, Jay," her heart going out to him in his moment of vulnerability. She reached out, gently squeezing his hand in a silent gesture of comfort and support.

"I'm so sorry," she murmured, her voice filled with sympathy.

Jay nodded, his eyes reflecting the pain of his loss. "You know it, we didn't have the best father-son relationship, but it's been tough, especially for the fact that I was dealing with a broken heart too, you know" he admitted, referring to Erin's leaving, his voice tinged with sadness. "He died and then I almost got shot, I didn't die because of the bulletproof vest." he laughed bitterly, a hint of irony lacing his words. "Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at you when you least expect it."

Erin listened intently, her heart breaking for Jay as he shared the weight of his grief and the challenges he had faced in the past few months. She could see the pain etched into his features, the burden of loss and heartache weighing heavily on his shoulders.

"I can't even imagine what you've been through," Erin replied, her voice soft with empathy. "I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you. I left without an explanation, I know."

As Jay and Erin sat in the dimly lit living room, the weight of their past grievances hung heavy in the air. Despite the tender moments they shared, Jay couldn't shake off the lingering bitterness that gnawed at him, a constant reminder of the pain and betrayal he had endured.

Erin could sense Jay's inner turmoil, the tension between them palpable despite their efforts to bridge the divide. She reached out, her hand coming to rest on his, a silent plea for understanding and forgiveness.

"Jay," Erin began softly, her voice filled with sincerity. "I know I hurt you when I left, and I'm sorry for that. But please know that it wasn't easy for me either."

Jay's jaw tightened at Erin's words, the memories of their past struggles flooding back with painful clarity. He couldn't forget the day he discovered the truth about his marriage to Abby, the shock and betrayal cutting him to the core.

"I know," Jay replied, his voice strained with emotion. "We both made mistakes at that time."

Erin nodded, her eyes brimming with tears. "I just wish things had been different," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "I wish I had handled things better and been more honest with you."

Jay squeezed Erin's hand, his touch gentle yet reassuring. "Trust me, I wish I did the exact same things with you."

Erin smiled softly, squeezing his hand before taking the cup of now almost cold coffee in her hand.

"So, Hailey, right?" Erin's question caught Jay off guard, his mind racing to process her words. He hadn't expected her to bring up Hailey, especially not after their conversation about their past. "She is your partner, right?"

Jay hesitated, unsure of how to respond to Erin's question about Hailey. He knew that their relationship had been complicated ever since she joined the team, but he hadn't anticipated having to explain it to Erin.

"Yeah, she's my partner," Jay replied finally, his tone guarded. "We work together."

Erin nodded, her expression unreadable. "Right," she nodded eagerly, "That's what we used to say about us at first." Her voice tinged with a hint of disappointment.

Jay could sense the tension that could be cut with a knife, the unspoken questions and insecurities that lingered beneath the surface.

He wanted to reassure Erin that she was still important to him, that since he saw her back he didn't stop thinking about their story, but he knew that words alone wouldn't be enough to mend the rift between them. And deep inside him, he was still mad, for how she left, for the goodbye they never got, and the closure he clung to for the past years.

"Erin, I want you to know that…" Jay began, his voice trailing off as he struggled to find the right words.

But before he could finish his sentence, Erin shook her head, cutting him off with a sad smile. "It's okay, Jay," she said softly, her voice tinged with resignation. "I understand."

With a heavy heart, Jay watched as Erin rose from the couch, her movements graceful yet burdened with the weight of their unresolved emotions. He wanted to reach out to her, to pull her back into his arms and hold her tight, but he didn't know if it was the right thing to do, both of them having so much on their plates. Before he could even think, she stormed out of the house so fast that he had to hurry to catch up with her on the front porch.

As Erin made her way to the door, Jay called out to her, his voice filled with regret. "Erin, wait," he pleaded, his heart aching with the knowledge that he might never get another chance to make things right between them.

Erin turned back to face him, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I'm sorry, Jay," she whispered, her voice barely above a whisper. "I just can't do this right now."

With a heavy sigh, Jay ran his hands through his hair. As her back was facing him, Erin's hand was about to close the door, Jay's foot stepped in, and to prevent her from leaving, he carefully placed his hand on her left arm.

Jay stepped outside, his voice soft, "Please." He took a deep breath and continued, "I don't want to end things like this."

Jay's hand was still on Erin's upper arm, but he could see her face of distress, almost pain as she shrugged away his hand from her arm impulsively. "Did I hurt you?" Jay's eyes scanned her figure in concern, wide at the thought.

She just shook her head, but Jay could see her shoulders trembling a bit. Despite her attempts to conceal it, he could sense that something was seriously wrong. His instincts told him to push for answers, to dig deeper, and uncover the truth.

"Erin," Jay said softly, his voice filled with concern as he looked into her eyes, "What happened? You're in pain, I can see it."

Erin's eyes flickered with a mixture of fear and desperation as she struggled to find the words to explain. She knew that telling Jay the truth would mean risking everything they had worked so hard to achieve, but she also knew that even after all this time, there's no one who reads her better than Jay Halstead.

"I... I can't," Erin whispered, her voice trying to sound steady. "I'm sorry, Jay, but I can't tell you."

Jay's brow furrowed in frustration, his mind racing with a million different possibilities. He wanted to respect Erin's decision to keep silent, but he also couldn't stand by and watch her suffer in silence.

"Erin, please," Jay pleaded, his voice pleading,

"It's just a livid, nothing more," she explains, shrugging her shoulders, "Sometimes at the club, clients don't get that all my job consists of is to dance, and my behavior gets the bosses mad."

"The Andrews brothers? They did this to you?"

Erin hesitated for a moment before nodding slowly, her eyes filled with shame and fear. "I..," she stayed quiet, unable to find the words to talk.

"Be honest with me about this, Erin. Please."

"They… they got angry when I refused to… do what they wanted."

Jay's jaw tightened with anger, his fists clenched at his sides as he struggled to contain the rage bubbling within him. "Those bastards," he muttered under his breath, his voice laced with fury. Erin's admission stirred a whirlwind of emotions within Jay—anger, frustration, and a deep-seated need to protect her. He could feel his muscles tense with the urge to take action against the Andrews brothers, to make them pay for what they had been doing to Erin and to God knows how many other girls.

"Why didn't you tell your unit about it the first time it happened? Or us? Me!"

Erin hesitated, her mind racing as she weighed her options. She knew that revealing the truth about the Andrews brothers could jeopardize their undercover operation, putting both herself and the entire unit at risk. But she also couldn't bear to see Jay's anger and frustration, knowing that he deserved to know the truth.

"I can't, I won't blow our cover for this, okay? I will take it, if this" She pointed to her livid, "it's useful to save other lives. They have so many girls Jay, we can't let them be trafficked."

"But this shouldn't happen to you either." He muttered, his fists clenched in disappointment.

"I know it's not okay, but we have to head on over there." Erin stated seriously, her voice quiet and pointed. "Just tell me if you're down for taking those bastards down and having my back. Despite Hailey not being happy about us working together again…"

Jay's gaze softened as he listened to Erin's words. Despite the gravity of the situation, he couldn't help but feel a sense of admiration for her resilience and determination.

"I'm with you, Erin," Jay said firmly, his voice filled with conviction. "We'll take down the Andrews brothers together, and we'll make sure they never hurt anyone else again. And as for Hailey, she'll be alright, she is my partner, yeah, but nothing more than a good friend, so.."

Erin looked at Jay's eyes, finding nothing but sincerity and warmth. She just answered with a right smile, "Maybe you should tell her that then…"

"What..?" Jay was about to ask when Erin's cellphone rang, she just shook her head.

"I have to go, it's already so late."

"Or you could stay," Jay suggested, his emerald eyes placed on her hazel ones.

"I don't think that's a good idea, and I have to take this."

As he sat in the silence of the now empty room, Jay couldn't help but wonder what the future held for them. He knew that they were both facing a deep and hard time, but he also knew that the connection they used to have and somehow was still there was stronger than any obstacle they might encounter.

With a heavy heart, Jay rose from the couch and made his way to his room, his mind consumed by thoughts of Erin and the fragile bond that still tethered them together. As he settled into bed, he whispered a silent prayer for guidance and strength, hoping that one day they would find their way back to each other and finally achieve the peace they both longed for.