I'm not sorry.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
Spanner Kurogane cried out, explosions wracking his body, as his transformation failed and he collapsed to the ground, coughing up blood. Clotho cackled malevolently, reveling in her power. "You see, Rider? No matter how hard you try, you are no match for the power Master Gigist gave me!"
"In all fairness," Lachesis said, still Kamen Warrior Valvarad II (not to be confused with Kamen Rider Valvarad, no, totally different, no way anyone would get those two mixed up) but just barely, pointed out as she moved to defend her… (Boyfriend? Stepson? Pet?) Spanner. "It's not like you couldn't do that easily enough before the power up."
"… Fair," Clotho reluctantly admitted.
"N-not… True…" Spanner coughed, spitting up more blood.
"Actually, senpai, she kind of has a point," Renge Icho, standing on the sidelines doing nothing other than providing commentary because that was more or less her only purpose in life, commented. "I mean, when's the last time you actually won a fight?"
Spanner paused for much longer than he would've liked. "… I defeated the Antrooper Malgam," he said hesitantly.
"I'm not sure that's something to be proud about," Sabinaru Tsuruhara, who also only existed to stand on the sidelines holding a tablet computer named Isaac which provided commentary, commented very quietly, almost unheard by all.
"Spanner's win/loss ratio is among the worst of any Kamen Rider," Isaac spoke up, saying what everyone was thinking.
"What a ridiculous joke," Spanner coughed up blood.
"No, that's you," Clotho laughed. "How pathetic… Now that I have become a Rebis, I'm unstoppable!"
"Wait, you're a Rebis?" Sabinaru asked, so startled his voice was almost audible.
"Yes, thanks to Master Gigist!" Clotho bragged.
"Sabi, what's a Rebis?" A confused Renge asked.
"The Rebis (from the Latin res bina, meaning dual or double matter) is the end product of the alchemical magnum opus or great work," Isaac recited. "After one has gone through the stages of putrefaction and purification, separating opposing qualities, those qualities are united once more in what is sometimes described as the divine hermaphrodite, a reconciliation of spirit and matter, a being of both male and female qualities."
Clotho blinked. "Wait, that's what I am?"
"You didn't know?!" Lachesis asked in disbelief. "What kind of homunculus do you call yourself?"
"So I skimmed a few textbooks, what of it?" Clotho asked defensively.
"… Wait. WAIT," Renge shouted, eyes wide, a look of feverish glee in them. "Does that mean she has a penis?"
"WHAT?!" Both Clotho and Isaac shouted, Sabinaru squealing at a pitch only dogs could hear. (For some reason, Spanner heard a ringing sound.) Lachesis burst into laughter, and Spanner started to do the same, only to spit up more blood.
"Wh-what kind of question is that?!" Sabinaru stammered.
"A perfectly reasonable one! Clotho, do you have a dick?" Renge shouted at the dumbfounded Clotho.
"Wh-what kind of question is that?!" Clotho spluttered.
"Oh my… Oh my Gotcha… This is too good…" Lachesis laughed hysterically, leaning on her Valvarusher, losing control of her transformation but not caring.
"What a ridiculous joke," Spanner giggled before vomiting more blood.
"CLOTHO!"
Hotaro Ichinose in his ultimate form, Rainbow Gotchard, appeared, a rainbow trailing behind him like a living Pride banner, Rinne Kudoh as Kamen Rider Majade following in his wake, crying out as she accidentally walked into the rainbow and briefly blinded herself.
"Ichinose! You're here!" Clotho squealed. When Lachesis stared at her incredulously, she quickly said, "Now I can crush you myself, and not because I have a crush on you, which I don't! (Also I think your new form is pretty do you think mine is too?)"
"Clotho! Leave my best buddy Spanner alone!" Hotaro declared. "He already loses all the time anyway, there's no reason to make things worse by picking on him!"
"I despise you… With every fiber… Of my being…" Spanner groaned.
"If you want me to stop bullying him, then do something about it!" Clotho said eagerly, looking forward to getting her hands on the irritating alchemist and staring deep into his eyes and wait where was she going with this?
"I will!" Hotaro said, starting forwards-
"Treasure Boy, wait!" Renge cried, rushing in front of him.
"Senpai? What are you doing?" He asked in confusion.
"Yeah, what are you doing, I want to fight!" Clotho yelled.
"You can't fight! Not until we find out whether or not Clotho has a penis!" Renge insisted.
Hotaro stared at her, baffled.
Lachesis started laughing again.
"Why… Why would she…" Rinne stammered.
"Clotho is apparently a Rebis now," Isaac said.
"Oh." There was a pause as she processed this. "Ohhhhh!"
"What are you talking about?" Hotaro asked, bewildered. "She can't have a penis, she's a girl! Only boys have penises!"
Renge's jaw dropped, and she glared at him angrily. "Wow. WOW. I did not expect that kind of talk from you, Treasure Boy, you Gotchadamn hypocrite!"
"Huh?"
"How can you say that? You of all people!" Renge shouted, gesturing at his final form. "You're RAINBOW Gotchard! You came out of an egg practically shitting rainbows! How dare you say Clotho can't be trans or bigendered?"
"Bi-what now?" Hotaro asked, even more confused now. "I don't understand, what do rainbows have to do with how a girl can have a penis, which I don't think she can?"
Renge stared at him, dumbstruck.
"… Ichinose, do you know what a bigender, hermaphrodite, or transsexual are?" Isaac asked after a moment.
"Mom says I'm too young to think about sex," Hotaro said.
"Oh, that explains it," Sabinaru murmured.
"Right, he's a moron," Lachesis agreed, everyone nodding in agreement, Renge looking embarrassed and apologetic.
"Hey!" Hotaro protested.
"What a ridiculous joke," Spanner complained.
Rinne facepalmed. "Why. Why do I like the stupid ones."
Clotho felt the sudden urge to murder Rinne violently. Well, she usually did, but much more strongly than usual.
"So… Do you have a penis?" a very confused Hotaro, still not having any idea what was going on, asked Clotho.
Everyone gave her very expectant looks.
Feeling embarrassed despite herself, she awkwardly tapped her fingernails together. "… What the heck is a penis?" She finally blurted out.
"Clotho," Atropos said dully as her sister stormed back into the lair. "How dare you return without-"
"Master Gigist, when you powered me up, did you give me a penis?" Clotho demanded of the ancient demon.
Atropos' mouth dropped in disbelief. "What?!"
He just stared at her for a long while. Finally, befuddled, he asked, "What's a penis?"