In the past, it had seemed to Mukuro that she couldn't get to Gandara fast enough. She could never get enough of the deliciously forbidden sex, the fact that he knew a carefully guarded secret that no one but her inner circle was privy to, the feeling of his hands sliding down her hips, her hands in his long hair, fingering those horns…She tried to suppress a shiver.
Mukuro and Yomi's enemies-with-benefits relationship had always worked out. But that was before the war.
It's because of the war, Mukuro reminded herself as she dragged her feet to her lover's city. It had nothing to do with the fact that she had been beginning to feel something more than just physical attraction when she looked at him. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was constantly in her dreams. It had nothing to do with the way his deep, comforting voice made her feel like everything was going to be all right.
No. It was because she couldn't be in a relationship with someone she was supposed to kill. And she was dreading her meeting with him tonight, because she had to do something to him that would hurt him more than any physical blow she could have dealt him.
And then there he was, standing on the outskirts of the city, smiling. He couldn't see her, of course, but he knew she was there. She knew that was why he looked so happy. Her heart clenched. She wanted nothing more than to run into his arms, embrace him, and have her way with him. Even without his sight, he was able to find the most sensitive parts of her body and make them come alive with pleasure…
That part of your life is over now, she reminded herself, and strode forward.
"Lord Mukuro," said Yomi, his voice sultry, as he held his hands out to her. Before, it would have made her laugh that he was off by about two feet, but now it just made her sad.
"Yomi," she said in reply. His expression faltered at the tone of her voice. She did her best to keep it steady. If she looked upset, he wouldn't be able to see it, but she had to make sure no other signs of weakness slipped out. "We need to talk."
"About what?" He already knew something was wrong. It was clear. "Mukuro, your heartbeat is surprisingly fast. What's going on?"
"Our…our arrangement," said Mukuro. "We can't keep doing this. All three kingdoms are officially at war."
Yomi sucked in his breath. Mukuro cringed. Please don't beg.
"But Mukuro…" Yomi looked like a drowning man who had nothing to cling to for life. "All of Makai has considered us enemies for a long time. What's the difference now?"
"The difference is that Raizen will be dead soon," she told him. "And when he is, do you expect me to just roll over and let you take over Makai—and the other two worlds as well?"
"What about that Urameshi boy?" said Yomi.
"Do you really expect him to be able to compete with either one of us?" Mukuro said back. "Once Raizen dies, he'll be helpless. We plan to attack with full force. And I can't do that if we're still sleeping with each other. It's over." She lowered her head and muttered, "I'm sorry."
"Mukuro, please don't do this." Yomi stepped forward to set his hands on her shoulders, but she stepped out of the way. "I…I need you. You're the only one who makes this all worth it!"
"Stop," said Mukuro, managing to keep her voice steady despite the tears she felt welling up in her eyes. "Don't say that. I-I'm not the only woman in Makai. I'm sure there's someone you can find in your kingdom…"
"Like who?!" Yomi demanded, throwing his hands up. "I'm surrounded by dick in Gandara!"
"Well, I can't help you with that," Mukuro told him. "We were enemies-with-benefits for years, Yomi, but—"
"Enemies-with-benefits?" Yomi repeated, his voice cracking. "Is that all we were to you?"
"What…what are you talking about?" Mukuro asked, stepping backwards. Yomi paused for a bit. His brow furrowed, and his teeth clenched.
"You know what? Forget it," he said sharply. "I should've known. Everything you touch dies. Why should I be any different?"
To her surprise, Mukuro was the one who felt stricken. On one hand, that was uncalled for, but on the other hand…was he wrong? She didn't really want to get into a fight with him, at least not today, but he didn't have to make this so damn difficult, did he?
"Well, if I'm destructive, then you're a wuss," she accused. "When was the last time you got off that throne of yours and actually defended your kingdom? I could beat your ass in a hot minute if I wanted to."
"Not all of us need to keep killing to feel alive," he said, turning his back to her and crossing his arms.
"You'll regret saying those things to me!" The words were out of Mukuro's mouth before she could even think. She wasn't hurt or sad now, just angry. And she was a different person when she was angry.
"I'll tell you what I regret!" Yomi shouted. "Sleeping with you!"
"You ass!" Mukuro screamed. She was about to strike a blow to him when she felt a sharp pain in her pelvic area and doubled over. Figuring it was some sort of preemptive strike on Yomi's part, she yelled at him, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"I didn't do anything!" said Yomi.
"Liar!" she shrieked. "What did you just do to me?"
"Stop making shit up," Yomi replied, and he started to walk away. Mukuro watched him go, still doubled over, tears of pain and hurt streaming down her one good cheek.
…
"Lie low, Hiei. Lord Mukuro's in a dangerous-type mood."
"Huh?" said Hiei.
"I'm not sure where she's been, but she looked ready to kill when she got back," said the servant. "And maybe you haven't been here long enough to know, but it's best to avoid her at times like these."
"I can look after myself, thanks," said Hiei, shoving him out of the way. As if he would have brought it up to her to begin with. Whatever had angered Mukuro tonight, it certainly had nothing to do with him.
Or at least he thought so. Because as he headed to bed, he heard a watery voice say, "Hiei?"
It came from Mukuro's lounge room, where she was lying on her couch. Hiei was surprised to see that she looked not angry, but sad. He felt a rush of fear. However frightening an angry Mukuro was said to be, dealing with a sad Mukuro was even worse. If anyone was emotionally hurt, Hiei would always hand them off to someone like Kurama or Keiko. The thought of finding a friend in emotional distress was terrifying, because it made him feel helpless, and he despised feeling helpless.
Hiei lingered in the doorway. "What?"
"Can I talk to you?" she asked.
"I was kind of going to b—um, all right," he said, shuffling into the room. "You know, people are saying something really pissed you off."
"Do I look pissed off to you?" Mukuro said in reply, glancing towards the window.
"No," Hiei admitted. Desperate to bring the conversation back to something he could understand, he added, "But if you are, I hope you really hurt whoever it was."
Oh, shit, was that ever the wrong thing to say. She looked like she was fighting back tears. Every cell in Hiei's body was screaming at him to run, but his feet felt stuck to the floor.
"That's the problem," she said. "I didn't want to hurt him."
"I don't understand."
"If you really must know…" Mukuro still wasn't looking at Hiei. Her one eye was still directed towards the window, though Hiei didn't know what she was looking at. "For the past few years, I've…I've been sleeping with a man."
"What?" Hiei was in shock. "I didn't know that."
"Nobody did," she replied. "But tonight I told him it was over. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Her face clouded up again. "And he made it even worse. He told me everything I touch dies, I told him he was a wuss, and he told me he regretted ever sleeping with me."
"Well, this guy sounds like an idiot," Hiei said harshly.
"He's not an idiot." Mukuro drew her knees up to her chest and buried her face in them. "He's perfect."
"Then why did you dump him?"
"Because…because I was afraid," she said, lifting her head up. Hiei could see streaks of tears on her face. "Our relationship was supposed to be only physical. But as soon as I started to feel more than that…I couldn't handle it. I ran away…because I'm a coward. I had to ruin it just when it was getting good."
Now, that was something Hiei understood. He still wasn't sure what to say, but somehow, what little emotional intelligence he had came to the surface for just a moment, and he realized he didn't need to talk, just listen.
"I told him I couldn't see him anymore because Makai was at war," she continued. "But that was a lie I was telling myself because I didn't want to face the truth."
"And now that it's too late and you've missed your chance and he's gone, you can admit how you felt," said Hiei, without even thinking.
"Yeah." Mukuro looked down at her lap and sighed. "Exactly."
Hiei waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. Just as he turned to leave, he saw her wince and rub her lower stomach.
"What's wrong?" he said, but she didn't even seem to hear. It was only about thirty or forty seconds later that her body relaxed and she looked at him.
"It's nothing," she tried to reassure him, but he wasn't reassured.
"Did he hurt you physically?" Hiei demanded.
"I thought so at first, but really, I don't think he did," said Mukuro. "Trust me, it's nothing. I'm not physically hurt."
"Are you sick?" said Hiei.
"I'm not sick," Mukuro answered. "You're dismissed, Hiei."
"But—"
"If you must know," she said, giving him a glare, "it's a bit of a female problem. Happy?"
"Well, you could've just said so," Hiei muttered, turning around. "I'll see you."
"See you," said her quiet voice behind him.
…
After Hiei left, Mukuro lay on her couch and stared up at the ceiling. Hiei hadn't really had much to say (not that she had expected him to), but just telling someone had helped. And she trusted him more than anyone else in her inner circle.
Initially, she thought Yomi was the one to give her this pelvic pain, but it felt too familiar for that, and on the walk home, she realized she was probably just starting her period. It had been sporadic for quite a few months, which she had attributed to the stress of being on the brink of a bloody civil war—not that she had anything against bloody civil wars, but she'd like to win. At any rate, she didn't want to discuss her periods with Hiei.
At least she didn't have to worry about being pregnant. Back when she was being sex-trafficked, she had been forced to have a tubal ligation. It prevented her from getting pregnant, although not from menstruating. As a matter of fact, she had managed to escape captivity before the time came, but the damage was done.
Not that I'd be a good mother anyway, Mukuro reminded herself. She'd come to terms with not being able to have biological children a long time ago.
Mukuro groaned. This was definitely more painful than normal. Of course, she hadn't had her period in months, so this was something like five or six periods' worth of cramps returning with a vengeance.
When she lifted her head and opened her eyes, she was surprised to see Hiei in the doorway again.
"Shouldn't you be asleep?" she said.
"Here," said Hiei, walking over to her with some leaves. She held out her hand, and he dumped them into her palm. "Raspberry leaves. Kurama gives them to our female friends when they're having that problem. I think he makes it into tea."
"Thank you." Mukuro turned her head away to hide the tears. "Where did you find raspberry leaves?"
"It's growing all around here," Hiei replied. "Kurama says it's one of those Makaian plants humans grew before the Kekkai went up, and now they claim it as their own. He calls it a 'mutually beneficial trade relationship,' but I think it's just humans stealing from us."
"Well, I appreciate the gesture," she said. "Why don't you have one of the servants brew it?"
"Oh," said Hiei, taking the leaves back from her. "I guess I should've done that from the start."
It wasn't long before one of Mukuro's servants brought her a cup of steaming-hot tea, and after a few minutes, it really did take the edge off like nothing else ever had. It made her sad to drink Kurama's tea, though, because thinking of Kurama made her think of Yomi, and thinking of Yomi made her heart break all over again. Her tears fell in the tea, and she tasted the salt.