Sorry for the long chapters, especially Bella's internal monologues. But I am deliberately making this as close to canon-Bella as possible and Bella has a LOT of internal monologues there.
I promise it will get less from now on. She's already reached the point where she realises what she has done, what kind of person she is and why. And she's angry.
"When you forgive, you free your soul. When you say I'm sorry, you free two souls."
Donald L. Hicks
"I've been out of the loop for a while," Gabrielle admitted to the trio, sighing. "Just how badly has everything snowballed? What are the press saying- if not the international press, than the British magical press?"
Hermione scoffed. "Why do you need to know? Rita Skeeter will always spin a tale."
Gabrielle's lip curled. "Well, so long as our identities are hidden. I swear, if I find out she's written something personal- I'm sorry but I don't really care what you and the British Ministry think- I'll jinx her. I'll place a jinx so bad it will make the one cast on your Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching position look like a pillow fight."
Ron snorted. Gabrielle breathed out deeply.
"What do you think, though?" Hermione questioned. "About…" her voice lowered. "About these Cullens?"
Gabrielle shook her head. "Firstly, there is no point in lowering your voice so as to not be overheard- these are vampires with supernatural senses." Hermione's face went pink. "Secondly… I believe there is more to this story than meets the eye- and I have been proven right so far." Hermione blinked in shock, Ron looked uneasy and Harry concerned. "It appears things have snowballed out of the Cullens' control." She stated.
"I can't disclose any details about the case yet, not even to you, and certainly no personal details, but I can truthfully say that the Cullens- Edward's family- are certainly horrified and admittedly quite angry with him." She paused.
"Their species may have been isolated with no contact from the Vampire Confederation and our world until now, but the Cullens themselves, and their close friends or kin in Denali, Alaska, had previously long-since decided to abstain from human blood in favour of animal blood." The trio blinked and Gabrielle nodded. "They are absolutely furious- without even the cultural norms and values of the Vampire Confederation- when they found that their son had been… breaking and entering."
Ron's jaw dropped. Hermione looked outraged. "He didn't!"
Gabrielle shook her head. "I am not in any liberty to say anything. You know I must remain professional, if not at all times, then for the most part."
"Of course," Hermione replied, hastily. "I understand."
Gabrielle's shoulders slumped. "Thank you. It's been tiring and stressful for everyone."
Hermione winced. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise to me, the three of you are leaving Ginny and the kids behind." Gabrielle responded wryly. Then her face grew thoughtful. "I've found out a lot about this, but something tells me that the audience will unfortunately be treated to more information when the time comes." She grimaced. "And unfortunately, so will Bella."
"That's Edward's wife?" Harry asked.
Gabrielle nodded, wincing. "The couple have a daughter at home. Thank God she's not here, no child has to see this."
"A pure-born vampire?"
Gabrielle shook her head. "No, their particular species' females cannot breed. A Dhampir."
"A Damp- what?"
"A Dhampir," Hermione explained, in answer to Ron's question. "Half-vampire, half-human hybrid."
Gabrielle nodded. "Best to keep her out of the spotlight." She shuddered. "Poor thing."
Harry winced as well. He felt a sudden surge of sympathy for the half-vampire girl whose father was now in prison. "What's going to happen to him?"
"He'll be tried, but it has yet to be determined what his sentence will be. There are some who argue that he should receive the death penalty like all the others." The trio flinched. "But in all likelihood, the charges against him when put in comparison with the Volturi's are not as… extreme. As strongly as vampires feel towards the moral code of hospitality and trespassing…" She paused. "My estimation is that he will receive a prison sentence."
Harry winced. "That's still not going to be easy for them, especially the little girl."
"No," Gabrielle said slowly. "But-" she turned.
Bella had reappeared, emerging from a side-door behind a tapestry.
Gabrielle turned towards her. "Did everything go alright?"
Bella forced a smile. "Yeah."
Gabrielle didn't think Bella was being truthful, but she couldn't blame her.
"Bella, this is Harry Potter the Head Auror, Auror Ron Weasley and Madam Hermione Granger-Weasley, Deputy Director of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They were sent as representatives by the British Ministry of Magic as part of the ICW." She paused. "This is Mrs Bella Cullen, née Swan."
The three of them went forwards to shake hands with her. Bella looked understandably depressed but was noticeably polite.
"Please excuse us," Gabrielle told the trio. "It's been a long night." She nodded and the three took their leave.
"Weasley?" Bella asked. "Like your brother-in-law?"
Gabrielle nodded. "His younger brother and his wife, along with their brother-in-law." She said, nodding in Harry's direction. "But all three of them are members of the British Ministry of Magic and are here on official business. They will not intrude." She promised Bella.
Bella nodded. "What did Radu say? Will you be seeing the Lady?"
Bella hesitated, then nodded. "I already did."
Gabrielle was surprised, but said nothing. "Well, unless either of you wish to disclose any information to me, you don't have to say anything. It's up to you."
Bella looked up. Her lip trembled as if she was about to cry, but she took a deep breath and steeled herself. "Thank you."
Gabrielle paused. "Bella…" she trailed off, slowly.
Bella blinked. "What is it?"
Gabrielle waved her wand. She conjured a mirror. Bella blinked, taken aback before the mirror floated itself towards her.
She gasped.
There, in the reflection, her eyes were brown. Like milk chocolate, same as Renesmee's. The same colour as they had been when she was a human.
"It must have been a side-effect of the blood you drank."
Bella's eyes lifted towards hers in shock. "But you gave me a glass in Forks! It didn't change then."
"Maybe it simply takes a while." Gabrielle conceded. "Or maybe the Lady Progenitor changed your eyes back for you."
Bella stood, stunned. She could not believe or comprehend what Gabrielle had just said.
"You look like your daughter." Gabrielle informed her.
Instinctively, Bella found herself shaking her head. "No, Nessie takes after Edward more."
Gabrielle smirked. "You'd be surprised. It's not just the colour and shape of your eyes, but certain angles of the bones in your facial features which are similar, if not the same. She must've inherited those from you."
Bella blinked.
She looked... human. Well, not completely, but to her surprise and amazement, she looked more like she had been as a human even with glistening pale skin, waves of shining hair and smooth, flawless features.
She hadn't changed one bit.
"Besides," Gabrielle smiled. "I have some news."
She waved her wand and the mirror vanished.
"The regent has connected the fireplace in your living room to the local Floo Network run by the Transylvanian wizarding government. Bella stood, bewildered. "It means you don't need to use a portkey. You can get to travel back and forth between your house in Forks and here, so you can see your daughter." Bella gasped.
"Of course, do you still have the Two-Way Mirror?" When Bella, still stunned, nodded, Gabrielle smiled. "Good. Keep it just in case. I must say, that was surprisingly generous of them to do so." Her brow furrowed. "That surprised me. But it's for a good reason after all. Renesmee is a child and she does need her mother." Gabrielle's gaze grew mournful.
Bella swallowed. "Yeah... she does."
"Come." Gabrielle smiled. "I'll show you how it works.
The ornate mantlepiece was exquisite, and it had a marble bust which reminded Bella of Lady Laima, only somewhat different.
The other Cullens watched expectantly. They had all gasped when Bella entered the room, but she had gasped even louder.
Carlisle's eyes were a deep blue. Esme's were a warm, honey-brown shade, almost gold, though not quite the gold of her vampire eyes, but incredibly beautiful and warm. Emmett's eye colour was a striking, icy blue. Jasper's was a warm, earthy brown. Alice's were a dark brown, flecked with green, which reminded Bella of a mysterious and inviting forest. Rosalie's eyes, on the other hand, were indeed a beautiful soft blue that seemed like violets in certain angles under the light. Almost the exact same as Gabrielle's eye colour.
"Your eyes," she whispered.
"It must have been the dragon's blood we consumed." Carlisle stated, looking at Gabrielle, who nodded. "They restored the natural pigment."
"The other vampire witnesses from your species had the same reaction." Gabrielle smiled. "One of them- Alistair, I believe... well, he seemed emotional. Touched, even."
They all stared. "Alistair's here?" Bella breathed.
Gabrielle nodded, but before any of them could speak, she took an empty flower pot from the mantlepiece.
"Before you wish to ask Bella what happened, I would like to show you how to use the Floo to go anywhere. Unfortunately, this particular fireplace is only temporarily connected to the one in your house. It's not permanent. As soon as the trials and sentencing are finished and you all have left, this will be disconnected. And you can only go to your house in Forks, not anywhere else. It's not like other fireplaces connected to the Floo." Gabrielle held out the flowerpot. Inside, it was filled with what looked like glittering ash.
"I'll go first." She instructed. "Just watch and do what I do. Is everyone alright with that?" Slowly, hesitantly, all the Cullens nodded.
"Alright then." She gestured to the glittery ash in the pot. "Just take a handful of Floo Powder." She stepped forwards and to everyone's surprise and curiosity, bent down and stepped into the empty fireplace. "Now, remember- say VERY clearly where you wish to go. I heard a story of someone crying when fleeing her monstrous husband-" Esme, Rosalie, Alice and Bella winced. "And jumping into the Floo while still sniffling and sobbing. Instead of her mother's house, she ended up someplace else. Fortunately for her, she had a happy ending. And someone else I know also had a similar incident when he was twelve. He wasn't crying but he inhaled some of the ash in the fireplace and either choked or almost sneezed. Again, he ended up someplace different, but was luckily found by someone he knew who just happened to be passing by." She grimaced.
Everyone did the same. They all looked wary. "Fortunately, this is otherwise extremely safe, I can promise that." Gabrielle assured them. "There have been no other accidents, and no one has ever died or gotten stuck in a chimney." Rosalie reeled and Emmett looked part-hesitant, part-amused. "Also, remember to keep your elbows tucked in and knees close together. Don't twist or turn your head around while you're at it. Now, hold this please."
She held out the flowerpot, and Esme took it. "Remember, just one handful and say where you wish to go clearly." When they all nodded, Gabrielle scooped up a handful, then held out the hand containing the Floo Powder, and slowly and carefully spoke: "Cullen House, Forks, Washington. United States of America."
She dropped the powder in front of her feet and the empty fireplace errupted in a sudden burst of emerald-coloured flames which instantly wrapped around her figure before vanishing completely, taking any trace of Gabrielle along with them.
Bella, Carlisle, Alice hissed in shock and jumped back. Rosalie jumped and shrieked, whereas Emmett caught and steadied her, but his eyes were wide in amazement and shock. Jasper's jaw had dropped, and he took a step back, but otherwise, he was more composed than the others.
"Wh-what-?" Carlisle managed. Esme put a hand to her heart, honey-brown eyes wide, breathing heavily. Emmett looked amazed.
"That looks awesome!" He cheered. Before anyone could stop him, he scooped up a handful of the powder, strode over to the fireplace and bent down, turned back around and with a grin on his face that made Bella think that this would be the exact look on the face of a chipmunk on a sugar-rush, loudly proclaimed: "Cullen House, Forks, Washington, United States of America." He dropped the powder in front of his feet.
Once again, the rest of the Cullens jumped back and Rosalie gasped in shock as emerald-green flames errupted and covered Emmett's huge form, before disappearing, taking him with them.
"Always so eager," Carlisle muttered. "I suppose I'll go next." He scooped up a handful, stepped into the fireplace and did the same. Esme, sighing, passed on the flowerpot to Rosalie, and scooped up a handful, following her husband into the then-empty fireplace. Bella stared, disbelieving, as each of the Cullens did the same. Sighing, she put the flowerpot onto the mantle and scooped up a handful. The powder didn't feel strange, just soft and less crumbly and rough than ash. She bent her head down and stepped inside the empty fireplace.
"Cullen House, Forks, Washington. United States of America." She intoned, taking care to be as clear as possible. She threw the powder down in front of her feet, and her vision was temporarily bathed in brilliant green fire.
It was like being sucked in a giant drain. Bella seemed to be spinning very fast, Bella's vision, too fast even for a vampire to catch and process, seemed to catch glimpses of random rooms and fireplaces amidst all the green fire. Suddenly, it stopped, and everything went still. Upon instinct Bella's foot automatically stepped forwards to catch her balance and she found herself stepping out of the fireplace in the living room of the main house at Forks.
Bella inhaled sharply. She blinked a few times to make certain that she was really there. Although the portkey travel had been momentous, she had been too worried, too anguished and stressed to even comprehend that she'd travelled so far away, much less to be amazed. And yet here she was, back in the Cullen House in Forks. Her ears could make out the rushing of the Calawah River from a small distance.
"Great, huh?" Emmett beamed. Gabrielle stepped forwards and explained: "Usually, individual Floo Networks are interconnected and managed, if not by country, then by region. This was a special case. And Floo travel has improved in recent years, since 2000-2001, I believe. Everything has gotten better." She pointed to another flowerpot filled with Floo Powder. "Here's one when we need to get back."
"Now, let's call your daughter."
Renesmee arrived not long after, thankfully, with Leah, instead of Jacob. Bella was grateful for that: she didn't think she could stomach seeing him after all her revelations. It was just too much.
Nessie's eyes were wide when she saw them. She gasped. "Your eyes..." she trailed off. "They look... different. They're all different colours. You look human."
Esme smiled. "That we do."
Bella took a deep breath. She lowered herself to her daughter's level. Chocolate-brown eyes met their match in each other, as Nessie stared into hers.
"Guys," Bella spoke, briefly turning back to the other Cullens and Gabrielle. "Do you mind giving us, ahem, some space. There's something I need to talk to Nessie about."
Renesmee tilted her head to one side. She looked confused, bewildered. Bella would've found it adorable, really, but she was too busy studying her daughter's features. She remembered what Gabrielle had said about Renesmee having inherited some of her features, like certain angles in the bones of her face. Belatedly, she realised it was true.
It was as if she had received the right-prescription glasses which had suddenly been pulled over her vision.
A part of her hated herself for not realising it sooner. Another part was in awe and wonder and saw that whether or not she looked like Edward, Renesmee would always be beautiful to her.
Bella took a deep breath. "Renesmee," she choked. "I- I'm sorry."
Whatever her daughter was expecting, it wasn't that. Her eyes went wide. Bella nodded, biting her lip to stop the flow of, well, not tears, but sobs.
"I'm so, so sorry." Bella whispered. "I'm sorry for not listening to you, I'm sorry for not trying to see things from your point of view, I'm sorry for not even trying to understand you, I'm sorry I listened to your father- and-and Jacob-" Renesmee's eyes became wider. She gasped. Bella was fully aware of how alien that sounded. She might as well have claimed that the sky was green and the sun bright purple. "I'm sorry you have to go through this, that you had to feel so alone- apart from Aunt Rose, Uncle Emmett, Leah, Sue and Grandpa, I'm sorry for not attempting or even thinking about introducing you to your grandmother- my mother- I'm sorry I kept you prisoner-" Renesmee's eyes were growing wider with every apology in Bella's seeming waterfall of remorse and regrets "I'm sorry for not letting you out into the world, nor for preparing or even trying to prepare you for life outside the house- outside of Jacob's house, the other Wolves' houses in La Push, this house, Charlie's and the cottage... I'm sorry for everything." She choked, barely avoiding bursting into sobs that would scare her daughter.
For what seemed like forever, neither of them spoke. Bella took a deep breath. "I don't expect you to forgive me. Even though I want you to- and I hope that you would- someday if not today- but it's entirely up to you." Nessie gasped when she said that. Bella swallowed the mountain of guilt and remorse that threatened to spill over. "And if you don't, I'll still love and accept you. In fact, I'd be proud of you." Nessie blinked in stupefied disbelief. "I'd rather you not forgive me, and defy me, than to be manipulated into being some sort of puppet- anyone's puppet, just as I was my mother's, your father's and- and Jacob's." Bella took a deep breath. There was no stopping it, there was no going back. Not this time.
For a long time, Nessie didn't move; didn't react. She stood frozen in place as Bella spoke. "Because that's what I was. I realise that now. I understand why you were so angry, so frustrated. I was too blind, too dazzled by your father to see." Bella swallowed harshly, remembering that she'd used the same phrase to describe Edward's effect on her and the waitress during their first date in Port Angeles- a date which she'd never actually agreed to go to in the first place. Which, like all the other things, she'd completely ignored about Edward. Her stomach roiled. "I blindly believed every word that he said, when it was for your own good... and mine.
"I don't want you to be like me," Bella admitted. She looked Nessie straight in the eye. Her eyes, chocolate-brown staring straight back at her. "To end up like me. And... I realise... I'm already scared that your father and Jacob are both trying to turn you into that." She swallowed, thinking about Jacob and the imprint. "In fact, it may be the reason why you're in this situation in the first place." she confessed. That part was more shameful and harder to admit than the other regrets that she'd had.
Nessie looked confused. "Mom," she said quietly, breaking her silence. "What do you mean?"
Bella looked down. She took a few shuddering breaths. Guiding Nessie to the sofa, she spoke. "We should call the others back. And ask Sue if she would join us. Leah's already here."
"It is fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure."
Bill Gates
Bella
To my surprise, although I didn't expect it, Sue agreed to come.
The Cullens, minus Edward, of course, and Sue and Leah Clearwater entered the Cullen living room. We all sat on the sofa or in armchairs and dining chairs as I told my story. It was strange, speaking so much as a vampire: my throat never felt dry or thirsty- at least not because of the amount of words I was speaking. Gabrielle was a distance away, because she was afraid to intrude, but I'd asked her to stay; she'd trusted us with some details about her and her family's personal life and she'd guided us through a whole new world so far- two worlds, if you counted the wizarding one- and she'd already been there when Carlisle and Esme confronted Edward in the cells.
Even though vampires didn't actually need to sit, we just felt we needed the atmosphere to seem more relaxed and comfortable, easy for Nessie to endure. So we all sat down and relaxed the best we could.
In full view of everyone, I told Nessie everything that had happened during their time in the Old-World Coven. I didn't mention details about my meeting with the Vampire Queen, even though I knew that the other Cullens were dying to find out, but I did mention the meeting between the rest of the family and Edward, along with its aftermath: what they'd discovered about Aro, Caius and Marcus' wives- Sulpicia, Athenodora and Didyme, I reminded myself. I reminded Nessie of when Tanya, Kate, Eleazar and Carmen came to Forks to agree to be witnesses, what Eleazar had said about Chelsea and how Eleazar and Carmen only managed to leave because the natural loving bond between them had been stronger than any enchantment Chelsea could cast, which was why they now suspected that Aro and Caius had Didyme killed, even though she was Aro's sister, to prevent Marcus from leaving, which, according to Selene, he had wanted to do.
Leah spoke for the first time. "Was Marcus the dark-haired one who showed absolutely no interest in anything whatsoever during New Year's Eve, but said he didn't think Nessie was dangerous or posed a threat to their secrecy, and suggested they come back a few years later to make sure if they had to?"
Apart from Sue and Gabrielle, we all nodded.
"Marcus has been... distant ever since Didyme died." Carlisle confessed. "We have proof of the fact that once Didyme was killed, Chelsea bound him in loyalty to Aro and Caius, preventing him not just from leaving the Volturi as they were believed to have planned to do, but also from avenging or even investigating the cause of her death." Carlisle winced.
Rosalie looked grim. "She must be more powerful than we'd thought. Selene, the Death Dealer, said that over half the Volturi guard were under her spell. So were Sulpicia and Athenodora, Aro and Caius' wives. Apparently, after Didyme died, Aro and Caius came to the conclusion that they could suffer the same loss as Marcus, so they kept the remaining two wives prisoners in their tower, used Chelsea to keep them there and Corin's power to keep them happy enough so they wouldn't think anything was wrong, and never let them leave for, what, roughly a thousand years now?" Leah looked horrified and disturbed and Sue shuddered. Nessie breathed in sharply. "They haven't left the tower until, for some reason, they came here to Forks on New Year's Eve."
Renesmee was bewildered. "But why? Just to see the Volturi try and kill us- me especially?"
The Cullens all looked at one another. "We don't know," Carlisle admitted. "We still don't know why they were allowed to leave, why Aro and Caius let them. They were under heavy guard when we saw them in Forks, but..."
"They never spoke." I remembered. "We barely noticed them." In my mind's eye, I pictured the drifting, waifish, shadowy figures, silent and surrounded by guards: one with windswept dark curls, the other a fair and ashen blonde.
"They don't have any power, even as advisors," Carlisle said, frowning thoughtfully. "All I know, based on what the guards, including Eleazar, had said, and of what little Aro had told me, was that Sulpicia was a young orphan girl whom Aro had seen would be a perfect mate. After successfully courting her, he transformed Sulpicia." Carlisle cringed, the statement hitting close to home with the recent discoveries about his adoptive son and daughter and the details of their courtship. I and just about every adult Cullen winced. Even Sue and Leah looked appalled. "Athenodora was already with Caius when he first met Aro and Marcus. She first met him when he was fleeing from the Romanian Coven's attack, or so I was told. That was before Stefan and Vladimir lost their coven and were overthrown by the combined efforts of Aro, Caius and Marcus, and the guard." He paused.
Renesmee let out a breath. "Both Stefan and Vladimir lost their mates, so they would've wanted revenge and taken the opportunity if it had presented itself." Carlisle confessed.
"So they're... just prisoners? Not even advisors? But if they were already there when the coven was founded-" Carlisle shook her head.
"Things were different back then," he said softly. "Not just the vampires of our species- but humans too. I don't know what wizards and witches, or the vampires of other species were like but..."
"Men made the decisions." Esme stated dryly. "Women follow them, without question. That was exactly what Sulpicia and Athenodora did."
The stunned silence was louder than thunder.
I swallowed and decided to continue with her story. While she didn't reveal details about her meeting with Lady Laima, she did tell them of her own reflections and revelations.
And somehow, that evolved into a story of my entire life up until the arrest. And not just that: of Charlie and Renée, and how they met and fell in love. How Renée had been fun-loving, creative, sunny, excitable, sociable, friendly, outgoing and enthusiastic (Nessie's eyes had flitted to Alice for a second as I said this), but flighty, inconsistent, impulsive, often thoughtless and self-centred. She did well in tests and exams, and in job interviews, but she didn't do so well in school overall, nor in keeping a job for too long as a teenager. She'd been raised by her mother, my Gran Marie, only to move into a flat the first year after high school, living with a friend because the two of them did not get along nor did they understand one another. My Gran, I admitted, was as different to Renée as she could get. Her mother was hard-working and loyal, but bitter and cynical about the world in general. The next summer, one of her friends had decided to take a month off and travel along the length of the Pacific Coast, camping along the way. To Renée, this was just the kind of adventure that she'd loved. So she went on the trip with her friends, despite having no idea of where she would live once she got back, because her roommate might've decided to rent the place to someone else.
I grimaced. That was totally like Renée, even now. Charlie was right: she'd hadn't grown up.
On First Beach, Renée had met Charlie. He was different from all her ex-boyfriends, being serious and hard-working, intelligent and responsible but funny and kind. They spent a few d ays together before she left, and promised Charlie that she would visit on her way back. For the rest of the trip, Renée missed Charlie terribly, whom she had grown infatuated with, and Charlie felt the same way about her. So when she returned to Forks on her way back to California, she'd visited and stayed for a few more days. Renée wasn't just in love with Charlie; she was in love with the idea of being in love: with romance. And it also felt like an adventure, something from a storybook, or a fairytale.
I froze, wondering where this was headed. And why this sounded so awfully familiar.
Back then I was still in denial.
So when Charlie proposed, to Renée, getting married seemed like the perfect ending: a happily ever after for both of them, and she would finally get the warmth and love she felt she had been denied since she was so distant from her own mother. I froze after I said this.
Did it... did that statement call to me in some way? Did it seem familiar... was this...
I pushed that thought aside before I could finish it. I had a story to tell, explanations to give.
Charlie and Renée were married by a justice of the peace in Port Angeles, with only Charlie's parents, my paternal grandparents, Billy, Harry- who was Seth and Leah's dad- and Quil- a different Quil to the one she knew, this was Quil's dad, in attendance.
"I remember." Sue said, perking up. "I remember Harry telling me... and Charlie..." she trailed off, mouth opening then closing in understanding. "I see."
I bit my lip. I didn't know what Sue understood, but I thought it best to continue the story. I owed Renesmee- and the Cullens, along with Sue and Leah, that much.
At first, Renée enjoyed the novelty of being married. Like I'd said, she was in love with the idea of love, of romance. She romanticised having a husband, a house and a family of her own. She liked Charlie's circle of friends who accepted her into their circle and enjoyed each others' company, his parents who were quiet and kind. She loved decorating their house, and she worked as a waitress where she enjoyed meeting new people. Most of all, she loved being with Charlie, and his passionate adoration of her seemed to be like everything she'd ever dreamed of ever since she was a little girl. It filled the hole that had come into her life without her father and her mother's bitterness. The only dark cloud in her perpetual sunshine was her mother. She'd sent my Gran news about her marriage, along with a picture, but Gran never responded.
Renée became excited when she found out that she was pregnant with me. She learned to knit and decorate the nursery. She wrote to her mother again and this time, Gran sent one of her handmade quilts to Renée as a gift for her and the baby. Renée had been touched, truly. However, after a few months, everything began to grow stale. The novelty and passion wore itself out and everything began to lose its lustre and glamour. For Renée, so used to the Californian climate, the constant covering of rain and clouds depressed her. And Charlie was now busy at work, being a police officer, and caring for his terminally ill parents, leaving her lonely, sad and feeling like she'd been trapped. There was now hardly any romance and no adventure in their now-staid relationship.
I froze. For the first time, I had to admit, at least to myself, how this sounded: it was hitting far too close to home. I could see some of the other Cullens exchanging glances with one another, no doubt thinking the same thing, and Sue looked grim. Leah was mostly unreadable, but to my surprise, I detected a hint of understanding in her beautiful dark eyes. Gabrielle looked... understanding. Understanding and calm, silently encouraging me with her lovely violet-blue eyes. For some reason, it did. I took a deep breath and continued.
After I was born, Renée started to become more responsible around the house. Not just playing house, but actually acting responsible. She saw that she had to grow up, now that she had a baby of her own who depended on her. Charlie was there and he was a hands-on father, but he also had to work for them to earn a living, and to look after my sick grandparents. That didn't make Renée any happier, though. She hated the idea of having to watch her baby grow up in dark and gloomy town with a lot of rain, and begged Charlie to leave with her and me. She knew that she would be asking him to leave his dying parents who needed his care, the only home he had ever known, and his friends who were practically his family, but she didn't care. She had finally reached breaking point. Finally, she decided to leave and to get her life back in order, for my sake. She realised that she had made some big life-changing decisions, which was supposed to be on a permanent, if not long-term basis, and jumped straight into it without thinking. She vowed that from now on, things would be different. For her daughter's sake and her own.
Renée left and took the baby with her. She filed for divorce and moved back in with her mother. The two women still didn't get along, and Renée hated the fact that her mother seemed to rub her failed marriage in her face as proof as to why her approach in life was foolish and unreliable, but they bonded and mended their broken relationship somewhat, because of me. Gran had doted on me, seeing me as her redemption, a saving grace. She looked after me while Renée enrolled in school and got her elementary teacher's degree. Apparently, spending time with me had made her realise that she was good with kids and enjoyed being with them. Once she had her degree and found a job, she moved to Riverside with me and worked at a kindergarten. For a time, having a baby and being a pre-school teacher seemed to ground Renée who found ways to be satisfied with small changes in her hobbies and recreational activities, and she made many new friends with the other teachers. To an extent, having a baby and being a mother taught her how to be responsible and grown up.
I openly grimaced. I did it for two reasons: firstly, because I could now safely claim that it didn't last. And secondly, because it was now sounding like what I was experiencing with Renesmee. Now that I had been forced to mature after seeing that I needed to become a good mother, an adult, for her sake as much as my own, I was starting to see what I had been failing to see ever since I became dazzled with Edward: that for all my purported maturity, just how childish I had been in comparison.
However, I admitted to my daughter that my mother, her grandmother, hadn't changed all that much. While normally, that was a good thing, she still hadn't grown up. My Gran often had to be the one to look after me, but as she got older and her health started having problems, she decided to teach me how to look after myself. I learned how to do the laundry and the cleaning around the house by helping her. She taught me how to manage finances, how to be careful with my money and- most importantly, with Renée's money. Gran still didn't trust Renée and knew that she would revert to being her usual, flighty, thoughtless self soon enough; and she was right. I learned to do the gardening and, when I was eleven, how to cook. A few months later, Gran Marie died.
I became the only adult in the house, in either of our lives, apart from Charlie whom I only saw for two weeks during summer, first when I went to Forks, and until finally, I'd had enough of the weather and we just couldn't keep paying for new winter clothing every season that I would only just outgrow- especially with trying to live off Renée's salary as a kindergarten teacher and Charlie's child-support- even with all the extra money he kept sending to us. Not to mention, Renée kept picking up comparatively expensive hobbies, only to grow bored with them and quit with no results or benefits. As a result, I barely had much of a relationship with Charlie. Neither of us were the most eloquent and sociable of people. Although I admitted to her- to everyone- that I didn't have any friends either, until I first came to Forks, because I was so busy looking after my mother.
That admission took me aback. But it was true. I confessed that I had been bullied or mocked for my 'middle-aged' attitude, laughed at, especially behind my back, since I was so busy looking after Renée and the house, I barely had time to look after myself. As it happened, I was also busy trying to be a good student, and as a result, I became top of the class. That made people make even more fun of me or avoid me more for my 'nerdy' attitude. At first there were some kind people; kids and parents who invited me over to their house. But I would always decline: Renée needed me. I had to cook dinner, I had to do my own homework, I had to remind my mother to go to the bank- and to go with her, I had to make sure the petrol tank had been refilled. Or I had to make sure my mother didn't get lost and I was there at home for her to call, since she was going out and we didn't have cellphones then. Eventually, they stopped trying to invite or include me. I didn't put up much conversation, anyway, not to them. Or anyone, for that matter.
I couldn't tell Charlie, because then he would get all angry with Renée. Even without the weather here, I couldn't leave her to live on her own. With me gone to Forks, even for two weeks, I'd come home to find a mountain of dishes that Renée couldn't clean, either because she was too tired or too busy, or because she'd forgotten, probably because she'd been preoccupied with something else. In Forks, I was always calling to make sure she didn't misplace her keys or her wallet. I was just too worried.
When I had first started taking charge, before Gran had died, Renée had either tried to butt in, or to take the initiative and do things herself. Unfortunately, after witnessing all the inedible dishes that she came up with, and all the ingredients and foodstuffs that she'd wasted, I took over. Or I quickly made sure to prepare all the meals myself before she could come home. Eventually, she started asking me to help with things around the house. Too proud or too ashamed to ask her own mother when Gran had been alive. And at some point, I'd transitioned from merely helping her around the house to doing certain things for her, especially before she could butt in, make a mess and then call me to help her. I began managing the finances and looking after the car. I started reminding Renée to go to job interviews, helping her sort through phone books and newspaper ads, warning her not to spend too much of our money on an expensive hobby that she would eventually give up soon enough- not when we both needed new winter wardrobes, making sure that first Renée had remembered to refill the gas and later doing it for her, doing errands like groceries, and being home to call whenever Renée went somewhere only to get lost and have no way back. Oh, and to make sure she never forgot or misplaced her wallet and keys, either at home or anywhere. And later on, after she got one, her mobile phone. I did all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the groceries, I paid all the bills. I looked after the car, the house and the garden- everything.
Nessie had blinked after I'd said this. She looked stunned, appalled even. She wasn't the only one. Sue's expression was a mask of horror and outrage. Leah looked both disgusted and taken aback. Gabrielle looked grim and saddened, but apart from that I could see that she had deliberately decided to keep her face neutral. And I was thankful: it was hard enough, as much as I resented her- I admitted it now- to be truthful if I knew people were going to get angry with her. As much I was angry, as much as I was forced to admit that this wasn't alright- and now that I had a child of my own, I realised that I would have done anything to make sure that Renesmee would be loved, nurtured and well-looked after, even if she could do things herself, I would want someone to be there for her- as she'd needed.
And if I had to be honest with myself, my doubts- and Charlie's- about Renée's ability to handle the supernatural part of my life- which was now everything about me- played a part in me putting off introducing Renesmee to her grandmother, or even telling Renée of her existence. But then it startled me that I wasn't just trying to protect Renée from all this: I was trying to protect my daughter. From her own grandmother. Renesmee would never know Elizabeth Masen, but she had Esme, and now she had Sue. She already had grandmothers to look after, dote on, protect and teach her to look after herself, the way Gran did. I was afraid of what would happen should Nessie and Renée ever meet. I was scared that my mother would turn my kind-hearted, loving and helpful daughter into her own indentured servant, like me: a pushover. And worse, I was even more afraid that she would fly into the arms of someone who promised to look after and protect her, as a result of that, only for her entire life to be taken out of her hands and into someone else's without even realising it. Like me.
I took a deep breath. And I told her this.
Renesmee's eyes, so like mine, were wide. But now, she understood.
"That's why you married Dad," she said quietly. "Because you felt he was the first person to look after you. To be there for you. To pay you any sort of attention without leaving you on your own."
I bit my lip. She had come to the exact same conclusion as I had. "Yeah." I choked. "I fell in love with him... because of that." I took a deep breath. The air whistled into my lungs, which soothed me. But something was wrong; something was wrong with that sentence, and I knew it. "I was drawn to your father when I first saw him in the school cafeteria, mesmerised by his inhuman beauty, but I didn't love him then. And he didn't love me either. He was drawn to the scent of my blood, because I was his singer."
"His what?" Leah asked, sounding disturbed. Sue looked the same way. Gabrielle arched an eyebrow.
"It's a phrase the Volturi use for a single human being whose blood draws the attention of a single vampire, in particular, more than any other vampire, or human's scent." Carlisle grimaced.
I nodded. "That and the fact that my mind was closed off to Edward. He couldn't read my thoughts. Out of all the people in town, all the humans and vampires he had ever met, my mind was totally closed off to him. He didn't understand why my mind was closed off like that, or why my blood tempted him more than anyone else he'd met."
"Or why he was so tempted by Bella when even I wasn't," Jasper cut in. He looked at Renesmee. "I was the most recent to join this lifestyle. I still struggled to be around humans. But Edward... when confronted with Bella he struggled even more than me."
I agreed. "Because my scent burned his throat, I was constantly on my mind. And because my mind was closed to him, he drove himself crazy trying to figure out why I was the way I was."
"Edward wasn't used to having anyone's mind closed off to him," Carlisle murmured. "He may not like it, he may even wish it to go away, if not temporarily shut down. But he is so used to and so dependent upon his telepathic ability that when confronted with a mind he couldn't read..."
I winced. Now, came the hard part: I had to explain to my daughter just about everything I did, including the things I wished- no, I feared that she would someday do.
I explained how when I first came to Forks High I was miserable. "I was in a really bad place," I admitted to my daughter. Renée had just married Phil. It had taken some time, but when I'd discovered that my mother was lonely, I encouraged her to see other people, to start dating again.
Renesmee opened her mouth and then closed it. "Did she ever encourage you to go out, even to make friends?" Emmett asked, disturbed.
I opened my mouth, then closed it, like my daughter. Emmett was right on point. Renée had never done anything of the sort: she'd never encouraged me to make friends or to bring someone over. Not even on birthdays or school holidays which I usually spent with Charlie or her on some trip. I'd certainly never asked her about boys, nor confided in her about details on whatever crush I'd had at the time, or anything to do with Edward- or Jacob. Even the non-supernatural details.
And there I was, encouraging my mother to go out and start dating. Enjoy her life. I knew it was petty, but I couldn't help it. The ball of resentment I'd felt towards Renée, which I'd just discovered, began to grow larger.
I sighed heavily. Rubbing my face, I continued.
After Renée had married Phil, a minor-league baseball player, she'd wanted to travel with him. Unfortunately, she couldn't, not with me. I was still underage at that time, even though I was looking after her. No one, apart from Gran, knew what I'd been doing at home, not even Charlie. We both knew that Renée would get in trouble with the law, and the last thing we both wanted was for social services to intervene and Renée to be prosecuted. Apart from Gran, who'd been my babysitter, no one had looked after me and we couldn't risk people finding out.
"Even at the expense of your own childhood?" Rosalie asked quietly, but her eyes flashed in anger. I bit my lip and nodded.
"Even then. My mother... she has a good heart, it's in the right place, she just... she just can't follow it."
Everyone all grimaced, apart from me and Nessie. Nessie looked disturbed.
"Is it possible, Bella," Gabrielle spoke up, causing us to turn towards her. "That your mother has some... disorder?"
I gnawed my lip. "It's possible." I admitted, thoughtfully.
"It seems like she's trapped in a child-like state, even though she's an adult. I understand and I commend you for trying to help her, but in the end, it hasn't helped her. It certainly hasn't helped yourself. She's never learned to do anything on her own. And you've had to sacrifice your entire childhood to be the mother of someone when you yourself needed parents. Yet one of them was far away and barely able to connect with you, and another..." she inclined her head.
I winced. A part of me wanted desperately to deny it, but when faced with my daughter and her wide chocolate eyes, I knew that she was right.
"It looks as if your own personal development and growth has been derailed." Gabrielle pointed. "As mature as you might have been, as capable, you are not infallible. And I say this as someone who was labelled a Gifted Child or prodigy myself: no matter how good my tests and exam results, no matter how accomplished I turned out to be, no matter how competent at looking after myself and other people, I was still a child. I needed my mother and father. And my older sister. I can't imagine what either of us would be like without any of our parents. They made us strong inside and gave us confidence. They nurtured us from within."
I grimaced. Sue looked like she agreed whole-heartedly, and Leah seemed lost in thought, eyes staring at a distance.
"I'm sure you've all heard or read about Mug- non-magical children who undertake examinations and enter universities- colleges- when they are twelve or something, but even then, this has had a strain on them. Children- and teenagers- still need to be children and teenagers. You have to let them grow naturally, encourage and nurture them, as opposed to forcing them. Because only then would they be able to stand on their own."
I sighed. Once again, Gabrielle's words made a lot of sense; too much sense. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to drown out the awful truths- again, I found it futile. I knew what I was now; I had to face what I had become.
And most importantly, what I had to do.
I had a choice to make: I could either be what Renée, Edward or even Jacob and Alice wanted me to be- or I could make my own choices, be a better person, a strong adult that my mother never was, for my daughter's sake and my own. And unlike Renée, I had to stick to my choice and work hard to obtain my goals. I couldn't give up.
I told my daughter that when I first moved to Forks, Charlie had been happy to see me, but we... barely connected. I was used to being so detached from everyone else, so out of sync as I'd called it then, that I was under no illusions that I would fit in once I'd arrived in Forks and me and Charlie were pretty much strangers, not used to each other. At least in Phoenix I was used to the terrain, had grown up navigating it. Here? I'd have to start all over again.
I didn't fit in in Phoenix. Never seen eye-to-eye, never been in sync. Not even with my mother who had been my best- well, my only friend there. Physically, I was also pale without the excuse of being blonde or blue-eyed. I wasn't athletic. And I was dead clumsy.
I grimaced. I'd forgotten about that.
I had always been clumsy ever since I was small. I didn't know why, but I knew that the nerdy pale-skinned girl who tripped over her own feet, sucked at anything physical, was socially withdrawn and out of sync, would never have fit in anywhere. I would be mocked, laughed at.
I sat still as the realisation hit me:
But I hadn't been, at least not at first. I'd been welcomed in Forks High. I was startled when I realised it, over two years later. At the time, I didn't trust them, didn't think anyone wouldn't have an ulterior motive in saying hello, or volunteering to show me where everything was. I'd assumed that I was the curiosity-freak, and nothing more. The chief of police's long-lost daughter from the runaway ex-wife, finally returned to Forks. Gossip for a small town.
I didn't think anyone was genuine in wanting to help me. To befriend me. Now that I thought of it, maybe a few individuals like Mike or Erik wanted more, but all of them? I didn't think so.
Besides, Mike and Erik didn't turn out so bad in the end. They still befriended and supported me. Even when I didn't deserve it. And I never got to thank them for that.
I felt ashamed. But I took a deep breath and told my daughter all this along with why. To my surprise, Nessie seemed to understand; they all did. I bit my lip. Maybe... maybe I had underestimated my daughter as much as Renée had overestimated me.
But there was one person who didn't try to make me feel welcome, who didn't even treat me like a normal person. That someone was Edward Cullen.
I took a deep breath and stopped myself from grimacing but couldn't stop the shudder that ran through me when I described my first few days with Edward Cullen in school.
Edward had kept glaring at me, in hatred- or frustration and temptation, as I knew now- when I first arrived in Forks High. I told her all about how Edward had done his best to stay out of my way, slowing as I struggled to remember the precise details. Rosalie pitched in along with Emmett and Jasper about what Edward had done and what he'd been doing. I bit my lip. Shame and embarrassment flooded me as my daughter heard how Edward stalked me to and from school, listened to other people's thoughts to find out where I was, even broke into my bedroom while I was sleeping at night.
Renesmee recoiled. She looked horrified.
I sighed, nodding. At least one of us had sense.
And then... I told her everything else that came after. How I drove to school one morning with no difficulty, despite the ice that coated the driveway, because Charlie had gotten up unimaginably early to put snow-chains on my tyres. How touched I'd felt, but how all that flew from my mind when Tyler Crowley's van- which did not have the same protection- skidded on the ice on the school parking lot and nearly smashed me, but Edward had butted in and saved me.
How I'd reacted; what Edward had said- everything he'd said. How his own actions kept contradicting me. How he encouraged me to forget about him, to not be friends, but never seemed to leave me alone.
I pursed my lips. It was sounding confusing. I had no doubts that I was an idiot, I just... didn't realise that Edward seemed to mess with my head.
"Bella," Gabrielle said, carefully, eyes wary. "You do realise... what Edward said... was not only giving you mixed signals? He was- to use a No-Maj term- gas-lighting you?"
Gas-lighting? I was bewildered. Leah's eyes lit up when she heard that.
"I've read about that," she murmured "from the internet. It's a technique when one person, particularly someone who is in a romantic relationship or family, calls into question someone else's sanity and effectiveness in their own personal thinking, rationale or emotions. It makes them second-guess their own ability to think for themselves or reason without the other person's help."
Leah looked disturbed. She turned her head towards Nessie and me. "Was that what... what Edward did to you? To both of you?"
I gaped. "Edward- he... he couldn't have... could he?"
Gabrielle sighed. "Did he ever say something like, 'Bella, you're being childish,' or 'Bella, you're being irrational', 'this is making you feel or do- so-and-so'? And then he would proceed to deny what you think or feel? Even to try to make you rethink something or to simply put your mind at ease? Or to go through with what he wants you to do?"
My jaw crashed to the floor. Beside me, Nessie looked. Stunned, horrified... shaken even. No doubt she was running through her head all those times that Edward had said something like that to me and she'd heard it- or to herself.
Seeing the looks on both our faces, Gabrielle cringed. What was worse, the Cullens stood frozen, all stunned into silence. Rosalie was staring blankly into space. Alice looked like she wanted nothing more than to disappear and cease to exist.
Gabrielle sighed. "Gas-lighting," she slowly explained, eyes trained on me. "Is a term used by No-Maj and Muggle psychologists to describe this particular method used by... individuals who abuse people whom they have any form of relationship with- romantic, platonic or familial." Every Cullen present gasped. "When used, the individual whom it is directed to, questions their own sanity, reasoning, judgment and thinking. They even question their own emotions, their own wants and needs."
"It's true." Sue suddenly spoke up. Beside her, Leah nodded. "The two of us did some community service, a while back, talking to and helping people in emergency shelters, like women's shelters. Many of them have fled their own homes. They described what their fathers, mothers, brothers, boyfriends or girlfriends, and husbands or wives did: and that was one of them. It sounds too much like what happened to them."
My mouth opened in immediate denial. "No- Sue- you're getting it all wrong- Edward is not abusive-"
"Abuse isn't just beating someone up," Leah's exotic dark eyes met mine without faltering. "That form of abuse- gas-lighting- it's emotional and psychological abuse. Because it makes you question yourself. And in the end, you feel INCOMPETENT without the person saying those things."
I closed my mouth. There was a roaring in my ears. "It keeps you dependent." Leah finished, settling back.
I gaped. Too horrified to speak, I couldn't comprehend everything that had just happened. I didn't believe it, didn't want to believe it, but it all made sense...
"Edward..." I barely managed to speak. I wet my lips and swallowed. "Edward was just trying to keep the secret. I was a human, practically a stranger. He didn't know me then. If word had gotten out... the Volturi..." I cringed.
Gabrielle observed me carefully. "Judging by the looks on yours and Renesmee's faces, this was only the first time this has happened to either of you. Something tells me that this is a common occurrence- and looking on the faces of the other members of this family, my suspicions may not be incorrect."
A stunned silence enveloped the room.
I swallowed and closed my eyes. Again, Gabrielle had been right on point. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nessie looking down. She looked... ashamed.
I didn't want her to be ashamed. I realised that I never wanted her to be ashamed, like she was the criminal, when she was the victim.
And that was what drove me.
I took a deep breath and look up at them. "You're right." I admitted to Gabrielle. I saw a strange look in her eyes, sadness and understanding but also... what was it?
Then it struck me: respect. Admiration even. Feelings I'd never seen before in anyone's eyes. Not directed towards me. Not for the right reasons.
I struggled to speak. The rest of the story came out, but the most difficult part was when I got to Jacob. I saw Leah's eyes darken as I described my first meeting, and I swallowed. I was ashamed. I knew I had been using him and I had no excuse. As far as Jacob knew I was the new girl who simply had a connection to his family, the first time we met. I had abused his trust, his friendly, outgoing nature. His openness. And I felt ashamed.
I took a deep breath and looked Renesmee square in the eye. "I had been using Jacob," I said quietly but clearly. "By flirting with him only to get information about the Cullens. But I didn't see that- not until it was too late." I sighed. "I wish with all my heart that I hadn't done that."
Renesmee looked stunned. "But Jacob... liked you? Like..."
I bit my lip but nodded. If I still had blood inside of me, I was certain I would've flushed. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, but my daughter had to know the truth.
When I got to the dream that made me connect all the missing dots and I finally understood what Edward was, everyone perked up.
"Do you have seers in your heritage?" Gabrielle asked, interestedly.
I was stunned. "What?"
"Since you've never seen either of them that way and didn't understand until after that dream- can you see the future?"