Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball.

Betaed by: Zim'sMostLoyalServant and my best friend.

LAST TIME ON DRAGONBALL IJ:

Recap, not appearing this week!

Chapter 25

Gird Yourselves in Light Young Warriors!

It's the Plot Irrelevant Fanservicy Beach Episode!

"Alright folks, thanks for giving me today's date," Launch said to the tourist family as they pulled back onto the road, waving goodbye. Launch found herself returning the wave, before frowning and lowering her hand.

'Dang, I really am going soft, aren't I?' she griped. The rest stop was situated in a pinewood that was hugging the coast. She supposed the trees made for a good sight to see. But she was more interested in the flyers pinned up behind glass on the notice board of local events.

"So, aren't we going to get back to training?" Goku asked. They'd done their pre-sunrise training already, having been camped out here for the last three days training up in the pine branches. But the blonde shook her head.

"Nah, today we're taking a break. Whenever we're not training, we either sleep and eat the day away, or it's because we're on some whacky side quest," Launch reminded Goku.

"That clown guy was nice but creepy," Goku recalled.

"We agreed never to mention that detour again, Goku," Launch shuddered.

"Lunch thought it was fun-" Goku reminded her.

"Never. Again. Goku," Launch leaned over him, glaring. She took his silence as intimidated acquiescence, and so walked over to the notice board, with Goku following.

"Anyway, you'll like this, kid. According to this paper, the 'Girded in Light Beach Resort' is having a sausage festival to celebrate its tenth anniversary. Admission is chump change for all you can eat," Launch said, pointing to the paper adorned with beach imagery at the borders.

"All you can eat? I can eat a lot."

"So can I, kid. These shades-wearing suits will wish they never saw the likes of us. Hahahaha!" Launch laughed, arms spread. A car with two motorists pulled up on her evil laughing, but decided to pull back into the road and keep going.

Neither of them noticed, before they started running toward the address on the map.

X X X

"So, no loopholes? Like, if we eat more than twenty you start charging us for every last one?" Launch pressed the guy in the cabana ware outside the curtained gate a stone's throw from the fancy modern hotel building. The beach was impressively fortified; Launch fancied the barbed wire look. It said "have fun per the rules, or else".

'Challenge accepted,' she grinned evilly.

"No, the owner believes in truth in advertising. Besides, this event is about getting more visitors, and hopefully members. A bit of generosity goes a long way to building rapport between the consumer base and the providers you know," cabana man answered.

"Yeah, yeah, and learning is half the battle. You got lockers? I have my own padlocks, but if someone steals my gi, you won't like my mood."

"We have a capsule station, and it's guarded every moment. It's vital for our business model that our customers can avoid silly shenanigans. The media certainly would love that kind of a field day," the employee continued.

"Launch, I can smell pretzels," Goku said, sniffing the air.

"Pretzels as big your head, m'boy," cabana guy smiled.

"Are they free, too?" Goku asked.

"Not at all. And all drinks are charged. Not counting water fountains," the guy admitted. Launch slapped the zeni on the counter, and a muscly guy wearing a speedo and a very small tight shirt gestured them to go through the curtain.

"Alright Goku, time to get some wieners!" Launch said, stepping through.

"Oh my, she knows what she came for," a scrawny guy at a table on the other side said. The sign over the table said "capsule station", and three burly guys and a burly woman were closely standing guard. And like the skinny guy, they wore sunglasses, and nothing else.

"Wah?" Launch slurred, eyes bulging then snapping shut.

"Ah, I guess I am a bit much to take in all at once," one of the buff guys said, making his pecs dance.

"Don't flatter yourself, she was blinded by my majesty."

While Launch's mind was rebooting, Goku started off in search of hot dogs.

"Hold on there, kid. Didn't yer mother tell ya? This is a nude beach. You gotta get naked before going any further," the skinny guy said, getting in front of Goku and crossing his arms in the X sign.

"Oh, so just like swimming back home?"

"Exactly," Skinny said. Goku threw his clothes onto the man and was off with a shout.

"Oh dear, he moves fast," skinny gut said, pulling the orange shirt off his head.

"Huh, where am I? Hgag! Gah! Gah! Wait, where's Goku?!" Launch sputtered, taking in the nudity and the distinct lack of Goku.

X X X

"Girded in Light, meaning we wear sunlight and nothing else! Hgg, lousy nudist logic!" Launch grumbled, raising her head over the back of a lawn chair, "I just need to find Goku and get out of here. He's already enough of a weirdo, he doesn't need any charming by weirdo subcultures."

"Ahem," the nudist in the lawn chair she was hiding behind said, leaning back and looking offended.

"I stand by my grumbling, pal. You want to take it outside?"

"We are outside," he pointed out.

"Well, won't take long, then. But I warn you, I have a history of solving my problems with violence and very poor impulse control and prioritizing," Launch said, before dropping to the sand and crawling along like she was in no man's land. Two passing guys stopped to watch the odd sight and take in the view. At the first whistle, she kicked enough sand in their face to knock them down.

X X X

"Ah man, what a long line," Goku griped, standing behind twenty people ranging from teens to senior citizens. All drawn by the siren allure of a no discount item on special event day.

X X X

Greetings, my name is Hoshi Hojo, but you may know me better as the Pink Puma.

It has been a while. The world of the Pink Puma has been turbulent, but as the Pink Puma has a turbo setting, the overhaul of the RRA intelligence structure was nothing he couldn't ride. Through sheer cunning and a lack of demerits due to my many name changes, Her Highness Colonel Violet has made me chief of the West City Spy Ring, complete with a cover identity as a highly skilled massage parlor owner and practitioner.

To further my cover, I decided to get a girlfriend and so called the woman who had three illegitimate children and a fake wedding ring. It turns out, not only is the wedding ring actually fake but she has a name, it's Grape, like her hair. And her children are Guinness, Beer, and Soda; triplets from three different fathers, it turns out. Grape is part catwoman, which I hadn't noticed, assuming her teeth were fake last time, and her small tail was hidden by her skirt.

She agreed to go on a date with me, and the next day I woke up a married man. Life is funny like that for the Pink Puma, but it serves to further my mysterious fame, to be a father and husband while keeping my quest to further the Red Ribbon Army's nobly vague agenda by massaging high-ranking government officials, business leaders, and the odd random senior citizen for valuable intelligence.

Anyway, why do you find me here at a nude beach? Well, it's a family vacation. Apparently, Grape has been going to these things since she was a kid, and likewise has been bringing her children since they were born. Beer and Guinness are fine with it, Soda has come to see it as shameful. As for the Pink Puma, he has such confidence in his magnificent yet forgettable body that a walk along the beach is barely different in the nude.

But vacation hijinks like burying my stepdaughter up to her neck so no one will see anything have been put on hold, as duty has come creeping along, trying to preserve her modesty with a boogie board. The infamous Brat Number 2, Launch or Lunch. The very sound of her name makes Red Ribbon Army members from across the globe want to order a sandwich or pizza. General Blue has offered a hefty cash prize for her head. And Colonel Violet has offered a promotion for her capture. And Colonel Mustard allegedly feels we should leave her and her brother alone for future superweapons to deal with. And the guy selling takoyaki thinks she's cheating at the rules of nude beach. I tell him that I, Hoshi Hojo, will defend the honor of nude beaches everywhere and set off in pursuit.

A direct attack is not my style, and she would also surely destroy me. I have not forgotten our previous encounter, despite the head injury. So, the first attack should be subtle, smooth, befitting a spy and master thief worthy of the name Pink Puma.

Operation 1: The Dart Gun.

I draw my trusty knockout dart gun cleverly disguised as a harmless squirt gun to avoid awkward situations. I take a moment to strategically assess her cheeks as the ideal distribution point that they are and fire. I take cover behind a ponderous overweight man to watch.

The dart bounced off what seem to be a steel pillow of a posterior. Still, she seized up at the impact. Turned to glare at a young man who was just passing behind her. He gives a flirty wink. She decks him, blushes at the attention this takes from her boogie board and retreats. I watch her go, befuddled that the rumors are true; one can indeed have buns of steel, it turns out.

"Dad, I know where we are, but Mom's not going to be happy if she catches you staring at other women's butts," Beer said, poking me in the arm as the fat man continued on, leaving me exposed. I told my son to not interrupt his father's internal monologues. Because of course they are internal, only a fool would speak out loud without meaning to.

A little failure never deters a true winner. So, giving the boy some money for popcorn to share with a pretty lady, always a good distraction for teenagers, I carry on my quest for fortune and glory amid a sea of pickles and peaches.

X X X

"Goku, Goku, Goku", like a broken game of Marco Polo she cries out her sidekick/possibly brother's name in a stage whisper. The boogie board was gone, having been reclaimed by an irate owner, so the blonde vandal had seized an acoustic guitar to shield her modesty as she lurked by the surf.

Her stress is palpable to the eagle-like eyes of the Pink Puma, and what says stress relief to any woman over the age of twenty-one? Free massages.

With skill honed in the shopping mall pop-up booth events of West City, I hastily and elegantly erected a strip mall-class massage table and booth, hammering down at last a sign proclaiming free massages for blondes. Then, scribbling natural and unnatural blondes served equally. Whether one is blonde by birth or lifestyle choice, one should not discriminate!

I watch her approach, kicking a woman's feet out from under her for a smart remark. Such stress! She will not be able to resist my brilliant plan. And once she is in my power, the Pink Puma will subdue her with the ancient and unappreciated art of pressure point attacks that he learned from a mysterious tome sold by that monk who lives under the highway bridge.

Then a tap on my shoulder had me turn and reveal a line of shiny musclemen, each seeming taller than the last.

"Greetings, good sir! I trust your discount applies to mustaches!?" the lead man proclaimed, fingering the magnificent blonde mustache adorning his face, while the sun reflected off his bald head, blinding me.

Cracking my knuckles, I realized I would have to work quickly before opportunity passed me by.

X X X

Alas, opportunity passed me by.

"Splendid work! We all feel as fresh as daisies! Bravo," the ten musclemen applauded me as I put my fingers in the cup of ice one had fetched at my request. Radiantly sparkling, the musclemen skipped away, their leader declaring it time to pump iron. Alas, my magic fingers were exhausted for the day, and of course now Guinness showed up, sipping a slushy.

"Hey Dad, Mom's going to be angry if she hears you were working on vacation," she said in her normal deadpan. She looked a bit like a movie monster to me, with all the layers of white sunscreen smeared on her, and sunglasses covering her pink eyes.

"It's not for work, it's for glory," I declared, raising a fist.

She sipped through her straw, watching the men skipping off.

"Don't forget Mom's rule, there can only be one bi in a couple. And it's her," Guinness reminded me. I scoff at my wife's many rules. Just like any member of the family has to sign a paper declaring penguins are best birds.

Straight as I am, the Pink Puma resents the implication, even if he is not sure what the implication is. Anyway, it was time for another plan. A master plan befitting a man of mystery like myself.

X X X

Launch cursed, adjusting the green inner tube, trying to conceal herself amidst the freaks. She'd found a grouping of stands, but no Goku.

"Only drinks? No wonder he's not here," she moaned.

'I'm going to get sunburn on my butt at this rate,' she lamented.

"And dang am I thirsty," she said, assessing the lines, while trying not to look at the people standing in them.

"Hey there, pretty lady, why not have this drink on me," a forgettable-looking guy said, offering her a plastic cup.

"I'm not looking for action. And you're too skinny, anyway. But I'll take this," she said, snagging the drink before shoving him aside with an elbow.

"Ugh, grape," Launch winced, before taking another sip. Time to try by the waterline, she decided.

X X X

The foolish blonde did not even suspect that that drink was spiked with enough knockout juice to down four men and an adolescent cow. Remaining on the sand, propped on my side, I waited for her to collapse as she worked up her muster and downed the drink in mighty chugging.

And I stayed in that position as nothing happened.

Then a foot tapped me in the back of the head. Rolling onto my back I looked up; the face was obscured by orbs of endowment, but I recognized those orbs and the stretch-marks on the mostly flat stomach, and in particular those glorious thighs.

"Hey Mister, what were you doing hitting on that blonde?" Grape demanded of me.

"…Work?" I offered.

"I told you not to work on vacation! Besides, if you want a threesome, you should have come to me to seduce her! Now get out of here and think about what you've done!" she yelled, before storming off in a huff.

There would be awkwardness in the hotel room tonight, perhaps on par when we came home early to find the penguin had invited pigeons into the house to play poker. But the Pink Puma, like a caterpillar stubbornly trying to fly, is not easily deterred. One plan remained, and it was exactly 81% crazy enough to work.

X X X

"Goku! Show yerself, ya food-crazy monkey! It's time to get out of here!" Launch called, up to her neck in the surf, glaring over the Goku-less crowd she was surveying.

Then a ball hit her on the head and burst, drenching her in a white liquid.

"What is this!" Launch screamed, wiping away the gunk and grabbing the plastic before the wave could carry it away.

"'Squid pheromones. For a Davy Jones of a good time'? Oh cra-" Launch said, before a tentacle wrapped around her ankle and dragged her underwater.

X X X

"The squids are back! They have broken the pact! Nelsons, to arms!" the massive man with the mustache said, hefting a double-bladed battle axe as his followers produced similar weapons and charged into the surf, while tentacles waved menacingly in the waves and beachgoers fled.

A distraction too, all was unfolding to the Pink Puma's plans.

"Dad, can we go home now?" Soda, my often-angry stepdaughter sat buried next to where I sat, watching my brilliant plan unfold.

"Soon, once the squids destroy my enemy, I'll drag her off to collect the bounty. I may be able to get you that horse you want."

"I said I wanted a llama, they're mightier. And you did that?"

"Yes, but I'm only as proud as I am ashamed to have spoiled so many people's beach fun. Alas, my life is full of remorseless regret as I charge ahead with mournful glee to meet Lady Destiny."

"If your target gets eaten by a squid, how are you supposed to collect the bounty?"

The Pink Puma can indeed be defeated, when he is faced by the fury of his own brilliance.

"Dad, you're talking to yourself again."

Silently, I began to dig her out, wondering how you negotiate with squid. Would they accept a dead seagull as trade? Perhaps a martini from the bar? A chocolate bar? Surely not graham crackers.

"Now you're just making me hungry," she complained as I let handfuls of sand fly.

X X X

Launch glared at the squid holding her in a tentacle, cheeks puffed out from held breath.

"Well, well, I don't even need to unwrap this one. Fear not girlie, I'm not a human-eating squid. But brace yourself to be the main character of a hentai light novel! Bwahahaha!" the squid laughed, as Launch pointed a finger pistol at it.

X X X

"Very well, if you help me negotiate with the cephalopods, I'll get you that new bike. But nothing electric, that defeats the whole benefit of a bike, and you've been putting on weight recently," I told Soda, drawing on the power of full dad mode, complete with sinister shades.

Of course she had sinister shades too, and a straw hat to make it even cooler.

"Agreed, but I'm just a growing girl. You know nothing of the female body, old man," she said with even more sinisterness.

"Your mother would beg to differ on my total ignorance."

"Ugh, you two have too much disclosure. Learn to be more prudish!" she objected, holding a beach ball over her head.

Then the ocean exploded. Using my well-honed combat skills, I defended my daughter from a likely attack from behind, which lulled any attacker into a false sense of security by making it look like I was hiding behind her.

As water rained down like a salty rain, the target walked back in from the surf. Emerging from the steaming waters dragging a giant tentacle.

"Who wants takoyaki!?" the blonde demanded loudly, grinning fiercely.

"…Give up the chase, old man, I already know she's better than you," Soda said.

It can break one's heart how little faith the younger generation has in their hardworking parents. But with pure-hearted dedication…

"Hey, time for the all you can eat buffet, voyeur," Grape said, hooking her arm under my chin.

Thus concludes another epic chapter in the enduring saga of the Pink Puma.

And doesn't that brat know it would be ecchiyaki?

X X X

"Now where is… is… Goku?" Launch said, having stormed off from the know-it-all people telling her it wouldn't be takoyaki with squid. Looking around from her angry stalking, she realized two things. First, in her haste to storm off, she had nothing to cover herself with. And two, she had stomped into the muscle section of the beach, where several big buff men were getting pumped up.

"Errrrrr…" Launch went, unable to blink, eyes taking in the sight. One big man with a shaved head and blonde mustache noticed her attention as he pumped iron and wiggled his pecs at her.

"Gaacchoo!" Launch was knocked off her feet by a nosebleed that made her sneeze.

"Fellows! Woman down!" the big guy said, dropping his barbell to rush to her side and check her pulse, the other bodybuilders joining him in tense silence.

"Steady, quick but steady," the big guy said as Launch's eyes fluttered open.

"Oh my, this again," Lunch remarked, taking in the big beautiful naked men around her and her own lack of dress.

"She's okay! And my goodness, that is some fine tone you have there, young lady. Dost thou lift?" the big guy said, offering a kerchief as she touched the blood on her face.

X X X

"But your sign said all you can eat, right?" Goku asked, standing next to the demolished buffet tables, with plates neatly stacked next to them. The fat middle-aged man wearing nothing but a bad toupee and a red tie glared down at Goku.

"Don't tell me what the sign says! Just because it says all you can eat doesn't mean you can eat it all! You are hereby banned for life from this and all other nude beaches! I hope you enjoy the rest of your life having to deal with swimwear-induced tan lines. Now begone!"

"Kay, can I find my sister first? She didn't show up to eat," Goku asked, as the angry crowd of naked people began to disperse, satisfied justice had been served for the ruined festival. Including a purple-haired woman grumbling as she dragged her husband along by the ankle, who had put himself in a food coma trying in vain to keep up with Goku.

"Your stomach is as unto the infinite void of darkness. Awesome," A teenage girl slathered in sunscreen said to Goku, before going to assist her mother.

"Fine, find your sister; then leave this place and never return!" the owner declared, before tossing a nonexistent scarf over his shoulder and storming off.

"Huh, where would Launch go if she skipped food? Hey, is there anywhere people go to train here?" Goku asked a random teenage couple.

"Oh, you want the muscle beach," one of the boys said.

"Just head past the abandoned bathroom of doom and follow the smell of sweat and suffering," the other boy told him.

"Okay, thanks!" Goku said, running off in the direction they pointed.

Soon:

"Huh, guess this is the muscle beach," Goku said, looking at the various weights and benches he passed after having stepped over a few planks of wood forming a border. Spotting a cheering crowd of big men, Goku approached them.

"Excuse me, have you seen Launch?" Goku asked.

"No, I haven't, but I've seen Lunch, and what a grand sight! Behold!" The man said, and his comrades parted ways to reveal what the sparkly men were watching. Namely Lunch on a weight bench, using the biggest man as a barbell while he kept his body straight. The man seemed to be having a good time, as tears of joy ran down his face.

"What a wondrous display of muscles! And to think I was worried the younger generation, especially women, were neglecting the glory of the workout, the nobility of the flex… But the greatest glories yet lie before us, I see!" the mustachioed man cheered.

"Hi, Lunch. We gotta go, the man with the fake hair says I'm banned," Goku said, going up next to his sister.

"Oh dear, did you eat the whole buffet?" she asked, setting the big man back onto his feet.

"Yep. Sorry, it was real good," Goku apologized.

After the tan men, all of whom it seemed were named Nelson, promised to show up at the Budokai to cheer Lunch's sister on, Goku and Lunch collected their clothes and continued their journey.

Author's Note:

I hope you enjoyed this midweek special update of silly shenanigans.

And I hope you have a good Juneteenth if you are in the states.

Longs days and pleasant nights to you all.