Chapter Thirty-Six
Choices
When Saturday rolled around, Stephen found himself stepping off the bus to Hogsmeade with a large bag and two long lists in hand. Snow gently fell around him, and he looked around as the rest of the students scattered, wondering where to go next.
"Hey!" he heard someone call out and saw Dawn standing there. Mickey paused and looked back at her. From the direction he was walking, they had probably been heading towards Honeydukes. "You alone today? Where's Eben?"
"Stuck at work at the moment, but it's fine. I've got a lot of shopping to do," Stephen said.
"I can see that from that list of yours," Dawn snorted. "Want to hang with us?"
"Um... you go on. I have to talk to Toby about one of my purchases before I get started today," Stephen admitted.
"Really? Well, good luck, he's not likely to be there this early. Even if he opens right away, it's typically for faculty members only," Dawn explained.
"I wrote him a complaint letter, so he's expecting me," Stephen explained.
"A complaint about Toby's shop? That's a new one," Mickey chimed in.
"Ok,then! Let us know if you need help with that list later on," Dawn shrugged, then caught up with her brother.
"There's going to be a line now," Mickey warned his sister.
"I was just trying to be nice," Dawn explained, and the two of them hurried off.
Stephen watched them go, shaking his head before turning down the side street. None of the other students had even bothered to go down that street, splitting up between Honeydukes, Pitch Plus, and the Eight Brothers at a mad dash in an attempt to be first.
Stephen walked through the untrodden snow over to the Toby's Trinkets. He stepped inside to see the shopkeeper waiting behind the counter.
"Ah, there's Stephen!" Toby said. "Good morning on this frosty day!"
"Good morning," Stephen said, taking off his bag.
"Your note said that you had a complaint for some reason," Toby said in a rather baffled tone. "You do know that I offer no refunds, do you not?"
"Actually, I'd like a replacement," Stephen explained, taking out his Trial and Error set. "The magic on this thing is completely effed up."
"What makes you think that?" Toby asked expressionlessly.
"Well, when I went to play it, I couldn't even open the box," Stephen complained. "I tried to open it gently at first, but when that didn't work, I threw every opening spell at it I knew until finally I had to transfigure a crowbar. And then, when I finally got it open, I went to pull out a deck to play a game of solitaire and it was a solid block with a joker on one side and a regular card back painted on the other. It wasn't a deck at all. And I'm sure you might have found it funny putting a joke one in there, but if it's all the same to you, I'd like a regular one, thanks."
"Well, let's take a look at it, shall we?" Toby suggested, easily sliding the lid off of the game box. Then he reached in and took out one of the decks, turning it over and fanning them out to inspect them. Stephen stared at the cards in utter confusion, pointing at it.
"It wasn't like that! How did you get it to act normal? It wasn't responding to me!" Stephen demanded.
"If it behaved the way you say it did, I believe it was responding to you. You're not afraid of it, are you?" Toby asked fixedly.
"Of course not, it's just a game. I've played it before, because my sister has a set," Stephen replied.
"Yes, but how long ago was that, and how much have you changed since then?" Toby asked.
"Not long ago," Stephen said defensively.
"You only answered the first part of my question," Toby pointed out. Then he turned towards the door with a smile. "Ah! More customers!" he said, gesturing as Jennifer and Seren peered in the window.
Jennifer opened the door and Seren ran in.
"I'm so sorry, Mr. Toby. Am I interrupting?" Jennifer asked.
"You're back from the States early," Stephen commented.
"Yes, so I am! I have to work at the Ministry in the morning," Jennifer explained. "Should we come back later, Toby?"
"The door is always open for you, Jennifer, you know that quite well," Toby assured her. "Especially in the middle of the night."
"Really, Toby! Not in front of Seren... or any of the students, for that matter," Jennifer added for good measure, smiling at Stephen. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Stephen. Oh, are you buying that? Excellent choice."
"His brother Eben already bought it for him. He's attempting to return it," Toby explained. "Stephen believes it's broken."
"Broken?" Jennifer repeated and walked over to the counter. Toby put up a hand before she could reach inside.
"I'd prefer if you didn't touch his set when he's already having trouble with it. Who knows what would happen?" Toby warned.
"I highly doubt I'd break it, but I'll humor you since I am fairly certain that Seren can help teach him to play," Jennifer said. "May we borrow your game, Stephen?"
Stephen nodded and Jennifer picked up the box and put it on a shelf that she could reach.
"Serendipity, this is Stephen. Would you show him how you play cards all by yourself? He wants to learn how to play."
"Yes, Mummy!" she said, grabbing one of the card decks.
Seren chose an empty spot on the floor and sat down on her knees with the deck in front of her. Then she drew two cards: One had the word OWL on it and the other had the word CAT. Considering the cards carefully, she put down the CAT card and discarded the OWL, picking up two more cards. This time, they had the words TOY and LOLLY on them. She thought about each card with a frown before putting down the TOY card. She gave her mother a smile.
"You're a very good reader, Seren! Feel free to keep playing," Jennifer praised her and then glanced at Stephen. "There, you see? This is how Seren plays the game. Is it a fun game, Serendipity?"
"Yes, it's fun!" Seren agreed and drew two more cards.
"How are the cards doing that?" Stephen asked with a stunned expression. "That's not the game as I learned it. How has it turned into word cards and letting her draw two of them like that?"
"I put a charm on the game so that it would be age appropriate. It seems to have worked splendidly," Toby decided, pleased with himself.
"She's also putting the cards wherever she wants on the floor. That's breaking a game rule too, isn't it?"
"Not in her version, obviously," Toby replied, watching the little girl play with a smile. "The game is about making good choices. In Seren's case, making good choices also means finding a good place to put it on the floor so she doesn't box herself in."
"You see, Stephen, not only does this game have a charm to make it level appropriate, it also lets you set up your own house rules to modify the game so that you can play it in different ways. Whatever you can think up that involves using a deck of cards to make choices, it can accommodate," Jennifer explained.
"Can I make a game where I always win?" Stephen said drily.
"Jennifer has already cracked that one," Toby tittered, and Jennifer made a face at him.
"You can't cheat if it's in the rules," Jennifer informed Toby.
"I wonder if my sister has cheating in her rules," Stephen said dourly.
"Knowing your sister, I wouldn't doubt it," Toby replied.
"Mr. Toby," Jennifer chided him.
"But she'd be better off using the game in a much more serious way to work out her problems and put herself on a better path, which was the original point of the game anyway," Toby finished testily.
"Mummy!" Serendipity interrupted, and Jennifer looked down. "Look! It says SHOPPING and LUNCH. I picked LUNCH!"
"Yes, alright! Pick up the game for Stephen and give it back to him, please. Really, I just came to find a journal for a student who would benefit from having one now that he's done destroying them," Jennifer said with amusement.
"I know exactly who you mean. The emergency box showed up before the journal did, in fact, although its intended owner will have some trouble claiming it. But that's neither here nor there, and I'm sure the journal is on the other side of the shelf you're standing next to," Toby said.
"Thank you very much!" Jennifer said, stepping over and picking up the journal before placing some coins in the jar.
"No, thank you. Have a good lunch, and please tell Severus to drop by. I get the distinct feeling he's avoiding me for some reason," Toby admitted.
"Well, we've been very busy this year, but I'll let him know," Jennifer promised.
Seren hurried over with the game and held it out for Stephen to take.
"Seren, say thank you to Stephen for letting you play his game," Jennifer reminded her.
"Thank you!" Seren replied.
Stephen took his game and Seren ran to the door, holding up her hand insistently until her mother took it on their way out.
"Sweet, isn't she? Isn't she the most adorable creature you've ever seen?" Toby asked, waving towards the door.
"Sure, but why are you looking at her mother?" Stephen asked flatly. "Aren't you married or something?"
"There's no harm in looking," Toby protested, turning his attention back to Stephen. "But back to the subject at hand! Now that it's obvious what the problem is and that the game itself is working properly, perhaps you should put it back in that bag of yours? You may go ahead and shop if you like..."
"Hang on, I don't know what the problem is. In fact... the lid's stuck again!" Stephen protested, shaking the box to try to get the bottom of it to fall out. "This game doesn't like me!"
"Perhaps you simply don't like the rules. Perhaps you simply don't want to make your own choices," Toby suggested.
"It isn't that I don't want to make my own choices! I just don't get to!" Stephen snapped at Toby.
"My father makes them, my sister makes them, my cousins make them, and the school makes them. And even if I wanted to change the rules, I can't, because they can all change them back again!"
"You changed your name," Toby pointed out evenly.
"Only because they had no objections to me changing it," Stephen retorted.
"That is because they didn't understand," Toby said quietly. "They thought you did something that was cosmetic, since you chose your middle name. They didn't know that it went deeper than that, because you realized that you were changing."
"It's not because of that... okay, it's not just because of that," Stephen protested. "In reality, I have no choices in my life. If I make choices that my family don't like, they either change them back or I get punished for it. I only got away with changing to my name because I knew my grandfather would step in for me when he normally wouldn't. I don't pick my own classes, Father does. I don't decide what I'm going to do in my spare time, my sister does. Even when I go on holiday, my aunt decides what I do each day. I'm tired of being everyone's puppet, but what can I do? They have the power to force me to do what they want whether I like it or not, so I'd rather just do what they say to keep my mind or body taken over again. And I don't know why I just told you about that, considering I'll probably get in trouble for mentioning it."
"It's quite all right, Stephen. I already knew your situation before you ever came in the door. Feel free to vent anytime we're alone in my shop. It sounds to me like you needed a safe place to do so and someone to talk to, although I'm certain you have a friend out there you could also reach out to tell about all of this," Toby added for good measure.
"I don't have any friends and I plan to keep it that way. Just who are you, anyway? What are you? And how do you think you know about me?" Stephen demanded suspiciously.
"Let's not get off the subject... the subject being that you don't feel like you can make your own choices, despite the evidence of your name change," Toby reminded him. "Perhaps that in and of itself provides a key... a key to learning how to make your own choices despite your trying situation."
"How?" Stephen asked.
"We shall start with simple choices," Toby replied. "Would you care to play a short game with me here on the counter?"
"What are the house rules?" Stephen asked suspiciously.
"I don't need house rules. I made the game," Toby pointed out. "If you're asking about my preferences according to the original rule set, I prefer not to show my questions and answers, and I typically go second."
"Okay. How do you pick what order you go in? I thought that part was random," Stephen said.
"You choose before you pick the first card up... although there is a caveat. You'll find that you may not get your first choice depending on who you're playing," Toby said, turning over his card to show the spade. "For example, I'll always draw the spade... Professor Craw will always draw the heart... and so on," he explained.
"My sister Zelda always draws the heart," Stephen said.
"Is it because the deck is biased that she always get the heart or is it because she's the only one choosing her order?" Toby asked.
"It is her game, after all," Stephen pointed out.
"Fair enough. Did you want to play?" Toby asked, gazing at him fixedly over the rim of his glasses. Stephen attempted to get a card, but once again it was a solid block. He glanced up at the shopkeeper, but Toby was giving him the same expression.
"I choose to play," Stephen announced, then touched the deck again. The top card slid away, and it became a normal deck again. Stephen turned it over to show the heart.
"You did say you've played this game before?" Toby prompted.
"Right," Stephen said, grabbing his deck and setting it on the counter before picking up the next card. He wasn't all that surprised to see that the question was simply: If you choose to use the name Douglas, go left. If you choose to use the name Stephen, go right. Stephen set his card to the right.
"There we are," Toby said with a smile, putting down his card to the left. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"
"I'm not sure it counts considering I already made that decision weeks ago," Stephen pointed out.
"Fair enough," Toby said, drawing a card and setting it below his starting card. But as Stephen attempted to get another card, it was a solid block.
"It's stuck again," Stephen complained.
"Ah, then this may take a few minutes," Toby said. "Would you care for some cocoa or some tea?"
"Tea, thanks," Stephen chose.
"Sugar, cream, or lemon?" Toby offered.
"Just lemon," Stephen decided.
"Very well," Toby said, pouring a cup. "Try to pick up a card again?"
Stephan reached over to try to get a card.
"It's still a block," Stephen said.
"It's still blocked, I see. Well, then, it isn't your ability to make decisions that is causing it, young man. You just made decisions on what to drink and how to drink it without any hesitation at all," Toby pointed out, holding out Stephen's cup over the card game.
"Maybe you should set the cup on the counter. I might accidentally spill it on the game," Stephen suggested.
"There it is!" Toby said with a smile, setting it down.
"There what is?" Stephen asked.
"You are afraid of making a mistake," Toby explained.
"Well, I was afraid that I was going to mess up my game by spilling my tea, if that's what you mean. I was just being cautious," Stephen protested.
"Being cautious is good, but there is such a thing as being too cautious, you know," Toby informed him. "You're too cautious when it turns into fear and it stops you from making any decisions at all. Making mistakes is an integral part of learning, you know. There's no need to be embarrassed if you make one. Simply 'fess up' and acknowledge it so that you can learn from it and move on."
"You say that like all mistakes are the sort that are made on a test paper," Stephen said critically. "I'm not a kid anymore, you don't have to sugar coat it, not that life ever has been sugar coated for me. My father doesn't believe in that sort of sweet rot and neither do I. Mistakes can't always be swept away with an apology. Mistakes can ruin lives... they can even end lives. I could eff up so bad that me or someone else dies. Even if they survive, a mistake can change a life forever and in ways that I can't ever make up for it. Don't you see?"
"Oh, yes. All too well," Toby answered somberly. "I have made those sorts of mistakes myself... the sort that pains me to think about to the point of anger or depression if I dwell on them for long. Of course, I didn't really know I was making a mistake. I thought I was doing what I had to do to prevent things from getting worse than they already were and to fix mistakes that I saw others making at the same time. But I failed, despite my best efforts. If I have any consolation, it is that I was doing what I thought was best, even if my actions did nothing but make things worse. So yes, I do understand. Choices can be hard, and they can be frightening if you believe that your decision might get you hurt, or someone else you care about."
"I really don't care about anyone else," Stephen said. Toby gave him a dubious expression. "Not like that, anyway. I mean, I don't want people to get hurt because of me in general, but personally, I just look after me."
"Looking after yourself is important too," Toby noted. "But you can't do that when everyone else is making decisions for you. They're busy looking out for their own interests, and even when they have your interests at heart, the best person in the world to take care of you is you, because no one else can possibly have the same insight as to what you need, can they?"
"Most people who make decisions for me only want to use me," Stephen said stiffly.
"All the more reason for you to learn how to make your own decisions despite your fear of failure," Toby insisted. "Yes, it will take some work... you not only have to learn how to stand up for yourself, but stand up to yourself as well, and that takes strength and even bravery. I suggest that when your decisions are blocked that you learn how to face them head on, no matter what's caused them to become blocked. Put your hand on the card deck, and say out loud, 'I am ready to decide', even when you aren't so confident that you are."
Stephen blinked. He had almost completely forgotten about the card game and immediately felt uncomfortable, wondering if he had said too much.
"Aren't you going to try? It's still a block," Toby prompted. "Or do you just want to stand there so long that you lose your chance at making a decision?"
"I didn't know there was a time limit," Stephen said with a frown.
"The world doesn't stop if you hesitate. Others will keep making decisions even if you choose to stand there and do nothing," Toby said, glancing at another card and putting it above the last one, moving in the direction of his cards. "If you do nothing, I'll encroach. If you keep doing nothing, I'll simply surround your path until you have no choice but to take the one I choose for you," he said, pulling another card.
"That's not in the original rules! Everyone takes turns! I thought you said you weren't going to change them!" Stephen protested.
"I'm not the one who changed the rules. You did, by refusing to take your turn," Toby explained, putting another card down. "No wonder you feel so restricted. You're doing it to yourself."
"You don't know what you're talking about! You don't know how things work in my family!" Stephen snapped.
"I know more than you think," Toby said, pulling another card. "You're wasting your time arguing, you know."
"You don't understand. I have sisters with powers that can make me do whatever they want like. I'm a puppet no matter what I want," Stephen snapped, his face growing red.
"Then it doesn't count as your decision, and it's all the more reason for you to make decisions on your behalf any time you can... I have you partially surrounded now," Toby noted. "Perhaps you were the one who decided that you wanted to be their puppet? Is that your personal choice?"
"No!" Stephen snapped.
"Are you sure? I'm about to make it impossible for you to choose anything, and yet you'd rather argue and complain than actually do anything about it," Toby pointed out, reaching for his deck again.
"Damn it!" Stephen cursed, and used several cards in a row to work his way out of the cards that were surrounding his and onto a clear space on the counter. "There, are you happy now that I feel like a quitter?"
"Why do you feel like that?" Toby asked in confusion.
"Because I ran from the trap, obviously..."
"Don't underestimate your power to dodge and run. It has kept you safe so far," Toby pointed out, shaking a finger at him.
"How would you know?" Stephen asked. He meant it to sound like a challenge, but it was obvious just how confused he was.
"What in the world makes you think that running and quitting are the same things? They're not even close to being the same thing," Toby informed him.
"Well, I feel like a coward, then..."
"Oh, poppycock. If you were a coward, you wouldn't be playing this game at all," Toby pointed out. "You simply need to learn how to handle things better when someone starts pushing you in the wrong direction, and you need to learn how to get to a place where you can make decisions again. Everyone needs to take a step back now and again to reassess their situation. Severus himself told students for years on how important it is to get to a point of control in his self defense classes, and I'm certain Professor Aurelius does the same. There is no shame in that. There is only shame in running when you are putting others in danger by running from fears you need to face, not from regrouping to protect yourself and to get into a position where you can make your own decisions. Yes, I know, that concept is nuanced and complicated, which is why we need to get this game going again to help you sort it all out. But now that you've dug yourself out of that hole, why don't we continue to play the game correctly? Pick a card and make a decision based on what's on it."
Stephen frowned and reached for a card only to find them stuck again.
"I'm ready to make my own decision," Stephen said out loud, and the deck loosened up enough for him to take the top card.
When Eben finally got off of work, he arrived at Hogsmeade to discover several groups of students hovering by Toby's shop. Some were sitting on the curb with lunch sacks from the Deli, munching speculatively. Their eyes became fixed on him as he approached and watched intently as Eben walked through the wall and into the shop. By then, nearly the entire counter was filled with cards. Stephen was focused on the cards with a serious expression while Toby was busy sipping his tea and relaxing.
"Oh, good morning, Eben! Or is it still morning?" Toby wondered.
"Just past noon, sir," Eben said.
"Goodness, I should be opening up soon," Toby realized.
"What are you doing here? Father told me not to expect you," Stephen asked Eben warily.
"I'm not here on Father's behalf. I came to see you myself, although I only was able to get off work because Hope insisted I get out of her hair," Eben explained.
"I didn't think her hair was that long," Toby commented.
"It isn't," Eben agreed. "She thinks long hair is a job liability. Are you really playing a game of Trial and Error with my brother, Toby?" he added incredulously.
"Obviously. We were just working out some kinks with his game," Toby said, then watched as Stephen put down another card. "Well done, Stephen!" Toby praised, then immediately boxed Stephen in with his next card so that Stephen had nowhere to go. Stephen scrunched up his face. "I'm sorry, but it does seem like we do need to get on with things. Your brother is here to help you with your errands, and I'm quite sure there must be a lot of students waiting to get in here."
"They definitely are. I think some of them are wanting to get ahead on their Christmas shopping," Eben confirmed.
"I will put this away for you, Stephen. Why don't the two of you look around while the store is empty?" Toby suggested.
"Good idea," Eben said. "Maybe I'll start my Christmas shopping early. What do you want for Christmas, Stephen?"
"I don't care about Christmas, really," Stephen admitted. "It's nothing but an excuse for Aunt Blair to throw a lot of stupid parties."
"Well, what do you care about?" Eben asked.
"Not much," Stephen replied with a shrug, perusing the shelves with little interest.
It was then that he saw a shimmer and noticed a small open box. Thinking it was a pocket watch, Stephen picked it up.
"Find something?" Toby inquired with interest.
"Not really. I thought this was a pocket watch, but it's nothing but a compass," Stephen replied.
"Nothing but a compass? I beg to differ. Very few items in my store are 'nothing but' anything," Toby huffed. "Everything in my shop is nothing if not undervalued."
"I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it," Eben said with a silent laugh. "It's just that these days a compass is normally just an add-on to a watch, and there are spells to find out what direction you're standing in. I'm positive that compass probably points to something other than north, Stephen."
"Really? Will it lead me to treasure? Could I use this to find Bedivere's Silver Box?" Stephen asked.
"Now that would be cheating, and you have more than enough resources already to find that box as it is," Toby chided him. "The compass is a safety advice. It points to the nearest person who cares about you in case of an emergency."
"Brilliant!" declared Eben.
"That's stupid!" Stephen said at the exact same time. "What a waste of metal! Most people know where to go in an emergency... generally, to the nearest exit."
"Oh, well, if you always know where that is, then you have a point," Toby decided unconcernedly, putting away the game.
"I wouldn't write off that compass so early, Stephen. I can see how a compass like that can be real handy, especially when you don't know who your friends really are," Eben said.
"I don't have any friends, and I have no intention of making any. And I can guess where the compass is pointing at without looking. Right now it's pointing at you," Stephen told him.
"You take your brother's concern for granted," Toby observed.
"My brother is an idiot. He's always been like that, and it's a wonder he's still alive," Stephen retorted.
"It is a wonder," Eben agreed calmly. "I owe it all to my friends, my fellow Aurors, and those who cared enough to keep me safe. And to honor that fact, I believe I'll buy you this compass... to experiment with so that you can learn who out there cares about you and who does not. Consider it a very early Christmas present," he added, taking it out of Stephen's hands and walking over to the counter. "If I were you, I would keep the truth about what this compass does a secret."
"There's no way I'd tell anyone. That'd be embarrassing as all hell," Stephen snorted.
"Embarrassment builds character," Toby commented. "But in this case, I agree with your brother. One shouldn't go around showing off one's defenses."
"I still don't see how it's a defense, but I like experimenting with devices," Stephen said with a shrug. "Since you're getting that, do you mind if I get that carved horse over there for Torquill's present?"
"Do you mind, sir? I know how particular you are about those," Eben asked.
"Go right ahead," Toby said with a smile.
"I can't thank you enough, sir," Eben said, putting his coins in the jar and stepping aside so that Stephen could do the same.
"No, no. You make your own choices on what to buy in my shop, I take credit for nothing but simply providing a place for you to explore them," Toby protested, wrapping the horse in brown paper before handing it back to Stephen. "I hope you have better luck with your Trial and Error game, Stephen, now that I've shown you a trick or two."
"Thanks," Stephen said and followed his brother outside. He was more than a little surprised to see a rather large students standing around, gazing critically at them.
"Hey, the sign changed!" one of them pointed out, and they hurried over to the door and went inside.
"Just who the hell is he? What is he?" Stephen asked his brother. "It was like he knew things he shouldn't be able to know about our family. You didn't tell him stuff you aren't supposed to talk about, did you?" Stephen squinted as his brother suspiciously.
"Of course not," Eben said with a shrug. "He's just someone who cares."
"If that's true, he's an idiot too," Stephen decided, and Eben let out a soft chuckle.
"Come on. Let's go work on those errand lists of yours," Eben said, and the two of them walked down the street, looking them over.