Author's Note:
Back to doing another Subspace Zone chapter. Consider this a breather chapter, of sorts - no main characters to be seen here.
Episode 411: GroundhogDay
Ashley: It is the middle ground between light and darkness - between man's grasp and his superstition; between the pit of his fears and the lifelight of his knowledge. This is the imagnation. It is an area that might be called... *looks around* ...The subspace Zone.
Skull Kid: Are we really doing this on Groundhog Day? Really?
Ashley: Yes, really. Play the theme song.
Skull Kid: *sighs, takes out flute as he plays the Twilight Zone theme song*
In the United States (and Canada), there was an observed tradition known as Groundhog Day. It was based on the superstition that if a groundhog emerged from its burrow and saw its shadow, it'd return to its den and winter would continue. On the contrary, if it didn't see its shadow, spring would arrive early.
So yes, the changing of the season was pretty much left in the hands of a groundhog. For better and for worse. That's what a lot of people believed, anyway. But Groundhog Day was considered a public holiday, and that gave Master Hand all the reason in the world to host a celebration.
Which is why Master Hand asked Champion Link and Zelda to organize a Groundhog Day fair, held at the front of the mansion. Many attractions were present, such as a Ferris wheel, a photo booth, and the crowd favorite, a dunk tank. Folks from Omnis Adest were invited to attend the fair, and it made for a great turnout as Master Hand was observing things with Isabelle.
"There she is, Isabelle; the cheapest fair money can rent," Master Hand said to the Shih Tzu, watching happily as Yosuke somehow got his hand stuck in a Skee-Ball machine. "I spared every expense!" Seconds later, Spring Man was heard screaming as he came down in a broken tram cart.
"I think the sky tram is broken," stated Spring Man as he crawled out of the tram cart, sprawling out on the ground as he felt aches all over his body. "Also, most of my bones..."
"Haha, this guy." Just then Master Hand saw the buddy cops Toon Link and Young Link pass by, as he approached them. "Hey, hey! I got a job for you two." Master Hand then pulled out a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates, each with an A+ written on the front. "I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit."
"Master Hand, is that legal?" Isabelle asked the giant hand, who handed the fake certificates to the buddy cops. Seeing the A+ on the certificates made the buddy cops feel good inside.
"When there are no cops around, anything's legal!" Master Hand's response triggered the buddy cops, with Toon Link frowning and clearing his throat to garner Master Hand's attention. "Ahem...real cops."
"Red, how's that dunk tank coming along?" Bowser asked Red the Pokemon Trainer, who had his Charizard breathe fire on the handle of a dunk tank. Won't be catching the Inklings sitting in there anytime soon.
"Almost ready to go, Bowser," replied Red, as Charizard was finished with his task. Bowser knocked on the target as the seat barely moved, much to his delight.
"Ha, you got it rigged from here to Timbuktu! There's nothing on Earth that could knock me down!" Bowser having a fair attraction rigged...not the most dastardly thing he's ever done.
"Yeah, except for like a futuristic laser arm cannon." As Red said this, he saw Samus walk past and winked at her. A death glare from Samus was enough to make Red turn away in a hurry.
"Ah. Hey, you haven't seen my red screwdriver, have you? The darn thing went missing." Pulling out a toolbox from his imaginary pocket, Bowser opened up the toolbox rummaging for a screwdriver.
"Maybe some magical creature or paranormal thingamagig took it." Finding that very hard to believe, Bowser could only laugh heartily at Red's assertion.
"Man! You've been spending too much time with those kids and that stupid turtle Pokemon. Let's see where I put that thing..." As Bowser continued to look for his screwdriver, mumbling to himself now and then, a bald man wearing glasses appeared behind some portable toilets.
"The mission is proceeding as planned...over," the man spoke into his wristwatch, before using Bowser's screwdriver to fix his camouflage suit as he walked away. Just what was that man up to?
Bowser was unable to find his red screwdriver (no thanks to the stranger from earlier), but Peppy came through and provided his own. Now that the dunk tank was fixed and fully operational, the folks could finally have their chance to dunk Bowser...only to be met with the sting of failure.
"It's 12 o'clock! The Dunk Tank is now open!" Bowser announced to the fairgoers through a megaphone, as many folks were forced to cover their ears due to the megaphone's screeching. "Step right up and dunk me, you losers! I'm talking to you, Cut-offs!" Bowser pointed at Yuna, who was Tidus and Wakka minding her own business.
"They're called shorts..." an offended frowned Yuna, eating a pretzel as a decent crowd gathered in front of Bowser's dunk tank. The more folks, the merrier - plenty of peeps for Bowser to scam.
"That's right! Muffin-Top, High-Pants! Who wants a piece of me?" And so it was on, as many folks took turns throwing balls at the dunk tank but failing to knock down Bowser.
"Who is he calling Muffin-Top?" Toad, otherwise known as "Muffin-Top", said to Mr. "High-Pants" Dee Jay, as Dee Jay was left adjusting his pants. After Juna Crawford threw the last ball, the fairgoers groaned as they walked away.
"Ahahahaha! Come back anytime, folks! Ahahahaha!" laughed Bowser, full to the brim with delight as the disappointment from the fairgoers gave him much life. Ness and Paula walked past the dunk tank, with the former eating a corn dog.
"How do they get them into this shape?" Ness asked Paula as he ate from his corn dog, which was in the shape of the Smash logo. An impossibility in and of itself. "It's unnatural."
"But Ness, they're so...delicious?" responded Paula, holding up her corn dog to the end of the sign that says "DELICIOUS". Both Ness and Paula laughed, as mustard dripped on Paula's dress. "I'll be right back."
"I'll be right here!" So Ness stood his ground, as Paula ran off to go clean her dress. Shortly after Paula left, Ness whispered, "I love you..."
"Look at you two...getting all romantic at the fair," Lucas said to Ness, who tensed up as Lucas approached him from behind. Lucas was holding two cotton candy sticks...greedy much?
"Eh, it's no big deal," shrugged Ness, trying to play it off only for a quizzical stare from Lucas to make him change his tune. "Okay, you're right, it is."
Ness: Isn't this amazing? I just dove in! I said, "Hey! You wanna hang out at the fair?" And you know what she said? "Yeah, I guess so." It totally worked! Lucas is a magician, I tell you what.
"All your advice about just going for it, it's finally paying off," Ness discussed with Lucas, never imagining in a million years that he would ever ask Lucas for romantic guidance. The young lad was second-guessing himself before turning to his best bud.
"When are you gonna learn, Ness?" asked Lucas as he took a bite out of his cotton candy stick, which he didn't plan on sharing anytime soon. "I'm always right about everything...well, most of the time."
"Yeah, most of the time. But no matter what, I gotta keep Paula at my side. Keep her around at all costs."
"I'll be there with you, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the..." As Lucas spoke with Ness, something caught his attention...a pigpen with several pigs inside. "...oh wow, a pig!"
"If you can guess the critter's weight, you can take the critter home!" announced the person who was running the pigpen, Pigma Dengar. Lucas frantically ran and bumped several folks en route to the pigpen, where Steve was standing by.
"Meh...I have seen better pigs," muttered Steve, keeping his honest thoughts and feelings on the pigpen to himself as he stormed off. Looks like someone was in quite a mood. Lucas took a gander at the pigs, as one of them captured his attention.
Pigma: They needed some bum to run the pigpen at the fair, and somehow that bum ended up being me. I hated every minute of it...something felt off. Just couldn't quite put my finger on it.
"Lucas," oinked one of the pigs that Lucas had his eyes on - a swine that had the name tag "15-Poundy" on it. A perfect match was looming over the horizon.
"He said 'Lucas'!" gasped Lucas, thinking that it was almost destiny. Almost. "Either that or 'doorbell.' Did you say "Lucas" or 'doorbell'?" Lucas asked the pig, making sure that he wasn't going crazy.
"Lucas," the pig oinked again, and Lucas gasped a second time convinced that 15-Poundy was the one for him. A salty Steve looked on, shaking his head in dismay.
"Would have been better off with a Minecraft pig...but enjoy your worthless prize," Steve sardonically said to Lucas, the salt eroding in each step he took as he walked away from the booth. Ignoring Steve, Lucas maintained his focus on the pig.
"Pigma, I must have that pig!" Lucas shouted at the pilot as he pointed at the pig, deciding to claim it before anyone else could. It was love at first sight.
"Ah, old 15-Poundy!" exclaimed Pigma, delighted by the candor displayed by Lucas. Made his booth feel worthy, in a sense. "So, how much you guessing he weighs?"
"Um, 15 pounds?" It was an accurate guess - and the accuracy was so on point that it made Pigma nearly drop his jaw to the ground.
"Are you some kind of witch?! Well, you are good at that PSI junk, so I'm not surprised. Here's your pig." So Pigma handed over the fifteen-pound pig to Lucas, as the small around Lucas was clapping.
"Three cheers for Lucas!" exclaimed Shulk as he pumped his fist, unaware of Ryu creeping up behind him. "Why am I so happy...?"
"Psst, Shulk..." Ryu whispered to the Homs, beckoning him to come over. When he turned and saw Ryu, Shulk cautiously followed after the fighter.
"And you'll be needin' these," Pigma said to Lucas as he handed the PSI whiz a fork and a knife. But a glare from Lucas made Pigma change course. "Nope? Well, suit yourself!"
"Everything is different now..." smiled Lucas, a happy camper as he now had a pig companion to call his own. Surely he wasn't forgetting about doing a solid for his best friend...
While Lucas was off spending time with his new pig, Ness was hanging out with Paula at the fair. Ness and Paula were walking through when the latter encountered a ball toss game, operated by none other than Red the Pokemon Trainer. Who better than him?
"Woah, check it out!" Paula said to Ness as she pointed at one of the prizes hanging from the booth. Some kind of strange animal you'd find in a consulted fantasy adventure game. "I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one!"
"My uncle taught me the secret to these games," said Ness as he walked up to the ball toss game, ready to prove to Paula how great of an arm he had. "You aim for the carnie's head, and take the prize when he's unconscious. One ball, please."
"You only get one chance," Red said to Ness after accepting Ness's carnival ticket as he handed the PSI whiz the ball. Fully confident in himself, Ness looked at Paula who gave her friend a thumbs up.
"And a-one and a-two and a-three!" After the countdown, Ness threw the ball...but the ball missed the target, as it bounced back and struck Paula in the eye. A worst-case scenario.
"AH! MY EYE!" Paula wailed in pain as she held her hand over her eye, with Ness freaking out as his chances of being Paula's girlfriend were potentially shot in the foot.
"Oh no! Paula, are you okay?!" Ness ran over to check on the southern belle, who took her hand from her face...revealing a black eye. Poor Ness was in hot water now.
"Does it look swollen?" As much as Ness wanted to say yes, he knew that Paula's feelings were paramount at the moment.
"Everything's gonna be fine! Don't worry! I'll-I'll go get some ice!" Ness got down to business as he ran off to get some ice, which he found in a cooler, and came running back. "Where is she, where is she?" As he looked for Paula, Ness inadvertently ran into a man - the same bald man that was around earlier, near the portable potties.
"Hey, watch where you're going, kid!" the man scolded Ness, grabbing a tape measure and running off. Having dropped the ice, Ness scrapes it all into the bag before resuming his trek...only to come to a stop when he saw something that alarmed him.
"Just ease your eyeball into that ice cone," Poo instructed Paula, who had her eye in an ice cone; Ness was beside himself as he dropped the bag of ice unto the ground.
"Poo, thanks, that's really sweet," Paula extended her thanks to the martial artist, glad that he could come through at the most opportune time. "The gesture, and the flavored syrup..."
"Yeah, I was just here in the right place at the right time. You know, I've been meaning to ask you..." Poo looked a bit reluctant to speak what was on his mind, too nervous to finish his sentence as his stomach clenched. "...we've been spending a lot of time together and I was wondering if, maybe, you wanted to go out with me?"
"Yeah, I guess so." Paula's response was all that was needed, as Poo sighed in relief. A heartbroken Ness looked horrified a balloon shaped like a heart was popped by a dart behind him. Poo of all people, his good friend, was playing Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl right before his very eyes.
Poo: Rest assured we're not going on a date. This is merely...a platonic meeting. *face turns red* Just a nice little time of engagement where we learn more about each other and determine each other's capabilities. That is all there is to it.
"Look, Ness! I won my pet pig!" Lucas said to his friend as he came up behind him, holding his pig like it was his only child. "His name is Porky. I call him that because pigs are a good source of...you know. You think Porky would be offended by that?"
"Everything is different now..." uttered Ness, saying the same words that Lucas used earlier. Whereas Lucas felt as if he was at the happiest point of his life, though, Ness was on the opposite end of the spectrum.
"What are you looking at?" Lucas would learn why Ness looked so downtrodden, as he pointed at Paula and Poo getting on a "Tunnel of Love" ride together. So much for keeping things platonic. "Oh..."
Poo: Paula forced me to go "Tunnel of Love" ride with her. She told me that she wanted to go on it with Ness, but he wasn't around so I had to oblige. It's just as I feared, I would have to fight with Ness over... *pauses, blushing* ...over who gets to ride with Paula on the carnival rides! Phew...
It didn't take that long for Ness to lament over Poo stealing his girl, as he was underneath a Ferris wheel. The PSI whiz was lying down on an attraction called "Slopey Toss", as Funky Kong came over with a slice of pizza.
"Uh, are you gonna move?" Agent 9 asked Ness, who was in no mood to move anytime soon as he let out a saddened moan. A disappointed Agent 9 left the scene, as Ness was later joined by the buddy cops slash safety inspectors, Toon Link and Young Link.
"Paging Hutch, we got a boy here with a broken heart," Toon Link said to Young Link in a joking manner - what great company to have during your heartbroken state.
"Come on, man - these are the jokes," Young Link said to Ness, as he and Toon Link were doing a terrible job at cheering up the PSI whiz. Some oink sounds were heard, as Lucas appeared at the scene.
"Hey, get away from him!" Lucas frowned at the buddy cops, who did as they told as they scurried from the scene. "Sorry about Paula, Ness," Lucas sympathized for his friend, sitting on the "Slopey Toss" attraction next to him.
Toon Link: That pig definitely called me a few names...might even heard a few curse words slip out. We're gonna have to ticket him later.
Young Link: And Lucas too, by association. He oughta know how to control that pig's mouth.
Toon Link: I do believe that he also called me a "pig". For men like us working in the force, the word "pig" is worth like fifty profanity words.
"Lucas, do you ever wish you could go back and undo just one mistake?" Ness asked his best friend as he sat up,
"Nope! I do everything right, all the time," Lucas heartily replied, before having to dial it back after recognizing that he was too overzealous and ahead of himself. "Most of the time."
"I mean Paula only went out with Poo because he was there with the ice, and she only needed ice because of the baseball, and I would've had the ice if it wasn't for..." Ness gasped when he saw the bald man he bumped into, as he got up incensed."...hey, you! Baldy! You ruined my life!"
"Huh?" the bald man said as he turned around and saw Ness confronting him, with Lucas trailing behind. Ness was moving like a man on a mission.
"Don't huh me! I've seen you before! What's your deal? Are you following us around?"
"And why are you bald?" questioned Lucas, feeling the need to point out the bald man's chrome-dome head. "What's that all about?
"Ah! My position has been COMPROMISED! Assuming stealth mode!" the bald man exclaimed as he pressed buttons on his watch, making his body change to different backgrounds. "Color match! Initiating color match! Come on, dang it! This watch I got from Corporal Hart as a gift ain't working..."
"That's amazing! Are you from the future or something?" an enthralled Lucas asked the bald man, who was forced to take out a screwdriver and use it to fix his watch. Lucas's questioning had the bald man acting suspiciously.
"Uh, no! Who told you that? MEMORY WIPE!" The bald man took out a wipe and threw it in Lucas's face, and the wipe...did nothing. "Stupid wipes I got from Private Hicks..."
"This is a baby wipe." Left unaffected by the "memory wipe", Lucas simply took the baby wipe off his face and tossed it away. At this point, the bald man had no choice but to come clean.
"Alright, you've cornered me. I'm...a time traveler. You can call me Sergeant Cortez - leader of an elite space marine unit."
"So wait a minute, if you're from the future, do you have like a time machine or something?"
"That's...kinda how it works." Cortez had Ness's full attention, as Ness glanced over at Paula and Poo riding the Ferris wheel together and had an idea.
"Can I borrow it?" Ness was asking Cortez out of the kindness of his heart (sort of), but Cortez didn't appear to be too accommodating to Ness's plea. "Come on, can I use your time machine just once?"
"Out of the question! You know, this is sensitive extremely complicated time equipment." showing Ness and Lucas what he meant, Cortez reached for his belt as he pulled out...a roll of tape measure.
"It looks like a tape measure." Ness immediately lost whatever fascination he had in Cortez being a time-traveling space marine, as he looked towards Lucas and asked, "This making any sense to you?"
"I think he's just crazy," replied Lucas, as Cortez cracked a smirk looking to prove Ness and Lucas wrong.
"You don't believe me?" asked Cortez before pulling the tape measure, disappearing, then reappearing a few seconds later wearing martial artist clothing. "Guess where I was!"
"Woah!" Ness and Lucas both exclaimed in unison, as they were back to being fascinated by Cortez. And all it took was a simple trip back in time.
"That's right! Fifteen years ago there was a Smash dojo right here! Don't know why they tore it down, though. One second." Cortez disappeared and then reappeared in his normal suit, which was flaming. "Aw, what?!"
"So, who are you again?" Lucas asked the annoyed Cortez, who was putting out the flames on his time suit. Once the flames were gone, Cortez assumed a manly macho position, which was necessary for his introduction to pop.
"Sergeant Cortez, leader of an elite space marine unit, hailing from the year 2401. In the past, I was in the middle of a TimeSplitter war which had lasted for many centuries! But now my mission is to find and capture whoever is responsible for causing some time anomalies. We believe that it's some guy named Dimentio, since he..."
"Dimentio?" said Ness, his eyes going wide when Cortez name-dropped the evil jester. "What a funny coincidence - we're at odds with him right now!"
"Yeah, that Dimentio is a predictable one. Never crossed paths with him before, but my boss stressed the importance of bringing him to justice. His exploits could cause a paradox. You boys have no idea how much trouble Dimentio caused with his time-traveling!"
Cortez: Dimentio was largely a blip on our radar until recent years. My boss, the General, was able to detect a few time anomalies caused by Dimentio, most of which happened in 2019. But why 2019? Did something happen that year that I wasn't aware about? Like a solar eclipse? No, that was 2017...or was it 2024? No, 2024 is this year...
"All this hunting for Dimentio...is kinda making me exhausted," added Cortez, followed by a yawn as he nearly got down on one knee. His relentless search for Dimentio was taking quite a toll on him.
"You know, you sound like you could use a break," Ness suggested to Cortez, not at all surprised by how hard-working the time traveler was. Especially if he was an elite space marine.
"Might we recommend one of the various attractions at the Groundhog Day Fair?" Lucas offered to Cortez, as he held out two tickets; Cortez saw the tickets and decided to take up on Lucas's offer.
"You know what? What the heck! I'm worth it!" replied Cortez, taking the tickets from Lucas as he started to leave. "But I've got my eye on you..." Cortez warned Ness and Lucas, as he soon arrived at the barrel ride and handed a ticket to the vendor. "...one, please."
"Uh, sorry, but you're gonna have to take your belt off for the ride," the vendor of the ride, Donkey Kong, said to Cortez who proceeded to take off his belt as required. "One of your tools might fly off and accidentally fix something."
"Guard it with your life." Cortez handed his trusty belt to Donkey Kong, putting his full faith in the gorilla.
"I will watch it like a hawk, dude." Once Cortez got inside a barrel, Donkey Kong pushed a button and started the ride. As Cortez eased his cares away, Donkey Kong placed the belt on the barrel at his side...only for a hand to reach over and grab it.
Donkey Kong: Like a hawk! *looks down to his right, then panics* Hey, where did that belt go?
So who had possession of Cortez's belt, you ask? That was none other than Ness, who convened with Lucas inside the mansion's living room. The two friends were sitting at a table looking at the tape measure...erm, time machine.
"Here it is, Lucas - our ticket to any moment in history," said Ness, realizing the power that he and Lucas had with the time machine at their disposal. With great power comes great responsibility.
"Let's go find Pauline and Cranky Kong when they were younger and force them to make out!" recommended Lucas, showing that he had very little responsibility; the PSI whiz couldn't help but smirk when this amusing thought entered his head.
"No! We gotta be smart about this. All that paradox talk kinda freaked me out. All I'm gonna do is go back and fix my one mistake. If I don't miss that baseball throw, I won't hit Paula in the eye, and Poo won't comfort her, and they won't start going out."
"I'm coming, too! I wanna relive one of the best moments in my life: winning Porky." Speaking of Porky, the pig was sitting next to Lucas, and Lucas patted him on his head.
"See you later." So Ness took the time machine, in the form of a tape measure, and pulled on it before realizing the tape. Ness then gave Lucas a high-five, and then a flash of light, as Ness, Lucas...and even the camera crew disappeared!
After the flash of light, Ness and Lucas...remained in the mansion's living room. The only difference was that Ness's hat had caught on fire, with Ness putting the flames out. The two friends ran outside to the Groundhog Day fair, just to see how far back in time they traveled.
"It's 12 o'clock! The Dunk Tank is now open!" Bowser announced to the fairgoers through a megaphone, as many folks were forced to cover their ears due to the megaphone's screeching. "Step right up and dunk me, you losers! I'm talking to you, Cut-offs!" Ness and Lucas were back where it started.
"Do-over?" Ness asked Lucas, hoping to make things right and win that stuffed animal for Paula - without hurting her, of course.
"Do-over!" replied Lucas, hoping to repeat his success and win Porky at the pig farm attraction. Both he and Ness went their separate ways, as Lucas ran to Pigma's attraction.
"If you can guess..." Pigma shouted into his megaphone, only for Lucas to snatch up Porky before Pigma could finish. Lucas was standing on business in record time.
"FIFTEEN POUNDS!" Lucas shouted at Pigma before walking off, and then coming back. "And yes, I am a witch...a male witch, sorta." And now Lucas could run off for good.
Pigma: Well, time to round up a mob. *lights torch* Who's with me?
"Hey, Paula!" Ness shouted to the southern belle as he caught up to her, with Paula relieved that she was no longer alone at the fair.
"There you are," gleamed Paula, who noticed something amiss when she saw how slightly damaged Ness's hat was. "Hey, what happened to your hat?"
"Uh, nothing. Hey, look! What's that?" Ness pointed at the ball throw attraction, as Paula took sight of the duck-panda stuffed animal thingamajig.
"Woah! Check it out! I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one." This was it...it was time for Ness to redeem himself, as he approached the attraction stand.
"You only get one chance," Red said to Ness as he handed the PSI whiz the ball. Little did Red know how much he was going to score at the ball toss.
"That's what you think...one panda-duck, comin' right up! Okay, Ness, second chance, don't mess this up." Ness threw the ball and knocked down all the bottles, but then the ball bounced off the back of the wall and bounced back, striking Paula in the eye.
"AH! MY EYE!" Paula wailed in pain as she held her hand over her eye, as it was deja vu for Ness all over again. "Does it look swollen?" Poor Ness...he just couldn't win.
"That's so weird..." A puzzled Ness looked down at his hands, and then things went from bad to worse...guess who came to Paula during her time of need?
"Oh, hey Poo," Paula said to the martial artist, who held an ice cone up to her eye. It happened almost too suddenly.
"So anyway, we've been hanging out a lot and I've been wondering if, uh, you would want to go out with me?" Poo nervously asked Paula as he felt his stomach clenching. Ness's eye twitched.
"Yeah, I guess so." Once again, just like before, Poo was washed over with relief when Paula agreed to go on a date with him. Ness was heartbroken once more as Lucas approached him with Porky.
"The exact same thing happened twice; it was spooky," Ness explained to Lucas, who was feeding Porky a caramel apple. One teen got what they wanted...the other, not so much.
"Maybe it's a time curse," assumed Lucas, believing that the odds just weren't in Ness's favor. "Porky, can you say "time-curse"?" Lucas asked his pig companion, who oinked in response as Lucas giggled.
"It is possible that the forces of time naturally conspire to undo any new outcomes? No, I just need to try again. Third time's the charm!"
"How hard could it be?" Lucas allowed Ness to take one more crack at it, as Ness pulled on the tape measure and made him and Lucas...and the camera crew guys, disappear in a flash.
Ness was back at it again, attempting to win the game without hitting Paula in the eye. Technically he had an unlimited amount of shots, but he wanted to make this shot count.
"Paula, how badly do you want that stuffed animal thing?" Ness asked the southern belle, as he was totally fine with ditching the ball-toss game altogether. Would mean less stress for him.
"More than anything in the world, Ness..." replied Paula, stressing how much the stuffed animal meant to her. Left with no choice, Ness let out a defeated sigh.
"Okay..." So Ness threw the ball, which bounced off the back, hit Red, and then the stuffed animal, and then a bag of balls. The bag broke open and the balls spilled on Paula, who screamed as she fell to the ground.
"Don't worry, I got you!" Poo shouted at Paula as he came to the rescue and helped Paula up to her feet. The martial artist shook his head at Ness, who was greatly befuddled by how quickly Poo showed up.
"I LOVE MY PIG!" Lucas was heard shouting in the background, as he and Porky were riding the Ferris wheel together. It was the same story as before - one winner, one loser.
As Paula said, she wanted that stuffed animal more than anything in the world. So Ness had to hatch up a plan to win it for her. The PSI whiz, after using the time machine a fourth time, was at a popcorn machine and was writing on it.
"...I just thought the wind speed...factoring cotton candy..." Ness muttered to himself as he was writing some kind of funky equation on the popcorn machine. It was a kind of complex equation you would find in a physics textbook.
"Face it, Ness, you're obviously fated to have a bad day at the fair, just like I'm fated to be with Waddles," said Lucas, wanting his best friend to accept defeat...but Ness was in no mood for quitting, as he kept working on his equation.
"Like there's one variable missing..." Suddenly, a eureka moment as Ness found the answer he needed all along. "...that's it! I've figured out to win the toss, not hit Paula, and stop Paula and Poo from going out!
"Great! I'm gonna go win my pig again." So Lucas walked off to go win Porky, but Ness came over and stopped him in place.
"Woah woah woah, you can't leave, I need you for my plan!
"But what about Porky?"
"It'll just take a few minutes, let's go!"
Ness was back at the ball toss game, and he knew for a fact that he had it in the bag. Standing next to him was Paula, who wanted that stuffed animal more than anything else.
"Are you gonna go already?" Paula asked Ness, who was taking all the variables into account as he analyzed the wind, the carnival tent, and even the taste of the ball. Once he was ready, Ness winded up his arm.
"And a-one and a-two and a-uh!" said Ness before throwing the ball upwards, as the ball flew over the ball toss attraction. Or at least the tent in which the attraction was held.
"Ness! You missed!" For a moment, it seemed as if Ness had an epic fail of a throw, but Ness was uber-confident that things were going his way this time.
"Did I?" Soon the ball came back down, rolled down the tent, flew up, hit the wind gage, rolled down a pipe on the mansion roof that Lucas lifted, and flew towards the dunk tank target.
"Aw..." the crowd moaned in sadness when the ball hit the target and bounced right off, with nothing happening. The crowd dispersed, as Bowser celebrated by pumping his fists.
As for the ball, it came back and flew between Ness and Paula, knocking down all the cans and bouncing off the back of the wall, before breaking through the top of the tent. Did Ness's equation work as intended?
"Enjoy your stuffed creature of indeterminate species, Paula!" exclaimed a congratulatory Red as he handed the duck-panda stuffed animal to Paula. Paula was all smiles as she squeezed her stuffed animal tightly.
"Oh, this is so swell!" gleamed Paula, as Ness caught the ball in his hat. Soon Poo, the constant thorn in Ness's side, came over to speak with Paula during her moment of euphoria.
"There you are, Paula!" exclaimed Poo as he reached the southern belle, the nervous clenching feeling in his stomach hurting him to his core. "So I was wondering if I...you a..."
"Look what Ness got for me!" Paula showed off her stuffed animal to Poo, whose stomach-clenching feeling went away as the martial artist forgot what he wanted to say.
"Pfft. Whatever. Can't even tell what species it is. Stupid..." In a turn of events, Poo was the one feeling like the biggest loser as he walked away. Ness could finally celebrate.
"What's his deal? Looks like I came to the fair with the right guy." The right guy Ness was, as his plan worked out to perfection.
"We have a winner!" Red announced to the crowd, letting the whole world know about Ness's big accomplishment. Climbing down from the mansion and coming up to Ness was Lucas, who received a thumbs up from his best friend.
"Anytime, bro," Lucas said to Ness, before making his pursuit to the pig farm attraction to win his pig. "Now to win my pig. AH!" Lucas came to a stop, as he saw Pigma handing Porky...to Steve.
"It's all yours! No one else's! Ol' 15-Poundy. Yours. Forever!" Pigma said to Steve, unintentionally rubbing it in for Lucas. Oh, how the turn tables...how the turn tables.
"You will make for a fine barbecue dinner, my friend," Steve said charmingly to Porky, who was squealing for help as Steve carried him away. Tears welling in his eyes, Lucas wiped away his tears before running off.
Steve: What should I cook for dinner tonight? Barbecue prime ribs or barbecue pulled pork? Might go with some barbecue popper pig shots.
Ness was finally living the dream. He was riding with Paula in the Tunnel of Love, enjoying his friend's company as he and Paula were laughing away. Everything was coming together.
"That was even more awesome the third time around!" remarked Paula as she and Ness left the Tunnel of Love when she saw something that made her squeal. "Funnel cake! Let's go get some, Ness!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" someone was heard screaming in the distance, seconds after Ness and Paula got off the ride. While Paula went on, Ness came to a stop when a screaming Lucas ran up to him.
"What's...Lucas, what's..." Ness was trying to speak, but every time he was cut off by Lucas's constant screaming. "...I'll just wait until you're done."
"I'm done," said Lucas as he ended his screaming, getting it all out of his system. Or maybe he stopped just to appease his friend.
"Okay, what is wrong?"
"We messed up the timeline! Steve saw the flyer and won Porky before I did!"
"Oh, Lucas, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. We just need to go back and do things differently." Lucas took the time machine out of Ness's pocket, looking to set things straight.
"Lucas! Wait." Ness took the time machine back, much to Lucas's dismay. "Look. I did the math. In any other timeline, Paula ends up going out with Poo. I can't mess up this day again!"
"But if we don't go, then I'll lose Porky forever!" Lucas tried to take the time machine back, but Ness wouldn't give him an inch. "Give it back!"
Eventually, Ness and Lucas were caught in a struggle, two friends fighting over a time machine in the form of a tape measurer. When Ness pulled harder, he caused himself and Lucas to fall to the ground as a Tunnel of Love cart came by and caught the tape. The two friends could only look on as the tape pulled out a long way before the cart let it go...and just like that, they vanished.
So, where did Ness and Lucas end up? The two friends landed flat on their faces on a dirt path, as they found themselves in the middle of some woods.
"When are we?" wondered Ness as he and Lucas picked themselves up, dusting themselves off. All that was around them were trees and...well, more trees.
"The real question is: when are we?" asked Lucas, trying to be funny...which would sure be effective had Ness not beaten him to the punch. "Oh wait, did you already..."
"Do you hear that?" Ness held his hand close to his hear, as he and Lucas looked behind themselves and saw a buffalo stampede. Both friends screamed as they ran and fell off a cliff, screaming some more as they fell through the roof of a parked caravan.
"Be on the lookout for mountain lions, travelers!" a voice was heard shouting, as Ness and Lucas looked out the caravan and saw a settler. Three of them, to be exact.
"Dysentery! Who wants dysentery?" asked a second settler as he offered a canteen; only those feigning for bloody diarrhea would be willing to take the chance.
"Soon we shall forge ahead, mighty oxen, for a new life awaits us on this...the Oregon Trail," a third settler said as he was speaking to some oxen; poor guy must think he's Kristoff from Frozen, thinking he could talk to animals or something.
"Look what you did - you sent us back 150 years, the pioneer times!" Ness scolded Lucas, as the third settler heard the PSI whiz speaking. Taking a peek inside, the settler marveled at his guests inside the caravan.
"By Trembley! Matilda, it seems you've given birth to two more children!" the settler happily announced, as Matilda, the woman in question, was already inside the caravan - with half a dozen kids. And she was pregnant!
"It appears I have...more little hands to render the tallow," responded Matilda, as Ness and Lucas looked at each other wondering what the heck a tallow was. One of Matilda's kids became fascinated with Ness and Lucas, approaching the latter.
"His hair curves upwards, mother!" the boy said to Matilda as he pointed at Lucas, before noticing Lucas's shoes as he pointed at the PSI whiz's footwear. "And his shoes look different from ours."
"These are called sneakers," explained Lucas as he showed off his sneaks, with Ness frowning as he pulled Lucas to the side. If Ness was angry with Lucas for what he was doing...how did he feel about the accompanying camera crew?
Settler: *points at camera* What's that doo-hickey you call there?...A camera? Doesn't look like any camera I've seen before. You mind if I borrow it for a family picture? Need a photograph for our family scrapbook...promise I'll give it back. *eyes dart around* I half-promise.
"Lucas, we can't start messing with the past!" stressed Ness, wishing that he had a good example to use as a teachable moment. Too bad he couldn't think of one.
"Oh, says the guy who messed with the past all day and cost me my pig!" Lucas fired back at Ness, looking to dole out more damage as he took out his cell phone. "I'll mess with whatever I want!" Turning to the boy, Lucas showed off his phone and even gave it to him. "Check it out! A magic button machine!"
"Ooooooooohhhhhh!" Matilda and her kids marveled at the phone, as Ness took the phone away from the boy. But Lucas wasn't done yet, for he had plenty of more stuff to blow everyone's minds with.
"Hey, ma'am? Guess who gets to vote in the future?" Lucas asked Matilda, knowing that the answer would completely blow the settler woman away. "Ladies! Up top!" Lucas gave Matilda a high five; Matilda was quite a fast learner, wasn't she? "That's called a high five! Teach it to your friends!"
"Give me that!" Ness said to Lucas as he snatched the time machine away from him. "I'm gonna set the timeline right!" Ness pulled the tape, as he and Lucas disappeared (along with the cameramen - hopefully, that one cameraman still had his camera).
Ness and Lucas appeared in the future, and as they looked around, everything was in ruins. At first, the friends assumed that there were no signs of life, and then...
"Run! Run!" shouted a certain android wearing a blindfold over his eyes, as he ran past Ness and Lucas. It was 9S, and if he was here, then another android had to be around as well.
"It's coming this way!" shouted the other android, 2B, as she and 9S were running from a giant robot. A Machine, if you will. A smaller Machine ran past by, not appearing to be much of a threat at first glance.
"This future seems neat!" remarked Lucas, not seeming to mind being stuck with 2B and 9S in the apocalyptic future. But Ness definitely minded as he took the time machine and pressed the buttons frantically.
The next destination Ness and Lucas ended up in was at a lake in Seattle, on the opening day of fishing season. (The large banner hanging up said so.) Perhaps this was a sign that the two friends were getting closer to getting back to the present.
"I'M COMING, PORKY!" shouted Lucas as he ran off, with Ness forced to run after his friend. In the background was Jacky Bryant, who looked like he was on the search for a legendary sea monster.
"I SEEN IT! I have seen this Rayquaza flying over this lake!" Jacky said to some of the fishermen, who disregarded the racer as being delusional. Many of them went about their normal business.
After a pull of the tape and a flash of light, Ness and Lucas disappeared and winded up at the mansion. They were at the unveiling of some sort, with Cortex standing in front of a podium with Pit and Brio his minions sitting in attendance.
"But enough about me, behold...ME!" exclaimed Cortex, as Brio pulled the curtain off to reveal a wax figure made in Cortex's likeness. Pit held up a "Please Clap" sign, with the minions applauding as Ness and Lucas ran past by.
With another pull of the tape, Ness and Lucas appeared at the mansion once again. But this time it was snowing outside. And the tape recorder time machine was becoming hot to handle.
"This thing is getting hotter!" exclaimed Lucas, tossing it from hand to hand like a hot potato. The PSI whiz and Ness came to a stop, as the time machine looked like it was about to combust.
"What did you do?!" questioned Ness, and before Lucas could answer, both he and Ness disappeared in a flash of light. Where could they have gone off to now?
Ness and Lucas both winded up in a peculiar spot, as the two friends were sitting in complete darkness. Nothing but a dark void surrounded them, as the oblivion was perhaps as far as the eye could see.
"Where are we?" wondered Lucas, as he was able to feel Ness; granted Ness was a little too close to him, but at least he still had his best friend at his side.
"There's nothing but inky blackness for miles!" replied Ness, fearing that the worst possible thing happened as the otherwordly panic was at an all-time high. "Lucas, don't you see? We've transported to the end of time!"
"Wait, why does it smell so bad in here? And why is it so cramped?" All of a sudden, Lucas found a door and opened it, as he, Ness, and the accompanying camera crew spilled out of a portable potty. Up ahead, the Groundhog Day Fair. "Look, we're back in the present!"
"But which present?" Ness would find his answer right away, as he saw Paula with her panda-duck stuffed animal. And it made Ness smile with joy.
"This is the best present ever!" gleamed Paula as she hugged the stuffed animal Ness won for her, while Poo was in the background slightly sulking. Elsewhere, Porky was trying to get away from Steve, and Lucas didn't like it one bit.
"No!" wailed Lucas, forced to take matters into his own hands as he chased after Ness for control of the time machine. "Gimme that thing! Ness, give it back!"
"Look, Lucas, it's over! Okay?" said Ness, keeping himself out of reach of Lucas as he climbed on top of the portable potty. "Give it up! I've worked too hard to lose this!"
"But what about Porky He was like my best friend!"
"Am I chopped liver now? And also, do you really want Paula to date Poo? I mean, seriously..."
"I don't know..." On the verge of tears, Lucas went up to a tree and started to hit his head against it. Ness wouldn't be suckered in so easily.
"You're not guilt-tripping me, Lucas. Not this time." No matter how many times Lucas hit his head against the tree, it wasn't enough to make Ness have a change of heart. "Come on, Lucas, I know you. You're gonna forget about this in a day! Or a week? Or a month! Here! I'll prove it!" Taking the time machine out of pocket, Ness pulled on the tape and released it...
...as he went forward one month. And lo and behold, Lucas was still banging his head against the tree as vines were growing on his legs. Just banging his head 24/7, that's all he did.
"Porky...Porky..." lamented Lucas, smacking his head against the tree every time he mentioned the pig's name. Ness was feeling bad as Mewtwo came forth, leading a tour group.
"...and when you look to your left, you'll see Lamenting Lucas: a girl who went bonkers after her dreams were shattered by some heartless jerk," Mewtwo explained to the tourists, only to look ahead and spot Ness alone by himself. "...oh, greetings, Ness."
Mewtwo: Don't know why, but I had a strange premonition that I was leading a tour around the Smash Mansion with Lucas being one of the main attractions. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it...why on earth was I a tour guide?
"Uh..." said Ness, helplessly watching as Lucas continued to smack his head against the tree. Having seen enough, Ness pulled on the tape, bringing him back to present times.
Back in the present, Ness walked up to the ball game with Paula. There would be no gimmicks, no fancy equations involved...Ness was going to do his best to win the stuffed animal. And if he failed, oh well, life goes on.
"I don't know if it's a duck or a panda, but I want one!" exclaimed Paula, super hyperfocused on the stuffed animal that she wanted so bad. Unfortunately for Paula, Ness was unable to share her enthusiasm.
"Paula, I just wanted to say that..." Ness was about to say before heaving a sigh, not knowing how to put his feelings into words. "...well I just wanted say that people makes mistakes, and when they do, you should forgive them. And also that martial artists don't really make for good boyfriends."
"Ness you lost me." Lost her Ness did, but at this point, Ness didn't care. He just wanted to get it over with.
"I know..." Sucking up his pride, Ness handed his carnival ticket to Red, taking one last crack at the ball throw. "...one ball, please."
"You only get one chance," Red said to Ness as he handed the PSI whiz the ball. Ness readied the ball in his hand, willing to accept whatever fate befall upon him.
"And a-one and a-two and a-huh..." Ness half-heartedly threw the ball, as if he knew what the outcome was. Just as he figured, the ball bounced off the wall and struck Paula where else, in the eye.
"AH! MY EYE!" Paula wailed in pain as she held her hand over her eye, with Ness no longer caring as he looked down at the ground. True to form, Poo showed up during Paula's time of need.
"Hey Paula, are you okay?" Poo asked the southern belle as he escorted her away, while Ness remained where he was. "You know this is the perfect time for me to ah...ask you about your pilates! You do pilates, don't know?"
Poo: My relationship with Paula is strictly a platonic one. Ness can have her for all I care. *pauses* No, he shouldn't have her! I should...I mean... *grunts as he walks offscreen*
"It is done," announced Ness, as Paula receiving a black eye could only mean one thing...a split second later, Lucas ran up to Ness and hugged him, nearly tackling him to the ground as Porky joined in.
"Ness! Thank you!" a joyous Lucas thanked Ness, so happy that he almost wanted to kiss him. Couldn't do it in broad daylight with so many people about - would lead to many interesting conversations. Porky oinked at Ness, sounding like he was thanking the PSI whiz. "He's saying thank you in Pig! Aren't you, Porky?"
"Oh dear, it seems that I am being pecked," said Steve as the craftsman was being pecked by a chicken, constantly saying "ow" each time the fowl pecked at him. Cortex was looking on with a big smirk on his face.
Cortex: Feels good to be on the other side... *looks down at his feet, at his pet goose* ...isn't that right, goose friend?
Goose: *honks as he pecks Cortex's lower leg*
Cortex: OUCH! That was not an invitation for you to peck me...I thought we had a deal!
"I couldn't break your heart, Lucas," Ness said to his friend, knowing that his being selfless mattered the most in the end. "Besides, there's no way Paula can date Poo, right?"
"YOU TWO!" boomed a certain time traveler from the future, as Sergeant Cortez confronted Ness and Lucas and snatched the time machine away from Ness. "Do you have any idea, how many rules you just broke?! I'm asking; I wasn't there with you..it was probably a lot, right?"
"Sergeant Cortez..." a voice called out to the time traveler, who tensed up when he sensed who it was. Slowly turning around, Cortez almost freaked out when he saw an older man, accompanied by a female space marine.
"Crap, it's my boss! The General!" Cortez wasn't acting so machismo now, as he was now face-to-face with the man that he was working under. "And Corporal Hart, too..."
"That's right, and we've been receiving numerous calls about your 'mishandling,'" frowned Corporal Hart, as she and the General's disappointment with Cortez could not be overstated. "Settlers high-fiving in the 1800s and cell phones littered through eight centuries!"
"Yet all this time, you have never once thought about arresting the most-wanted time culprit...Dimentio," the General scolded Cortez, making the sergeant feel disappointed with his delivery. "Guess that tape recorder we left in your care was no good at all."
"It was those teens! And that stupid pig!" explained Cortez as he pointed accusingly at Ness, Lucas, and Porky, with Lucas taking great offense to Cortez's comments. Ness had to hold Lucas back. "I'll get you for this. Heck, I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never MEET!"
"Jokes on you, we're not related," stated Ness, causing Cortez to stomp his foot in disgust - and also ignorance. Taking an L for today, Cortez followed after the General and Corporal Hart hoping he wouldn't be punished too harshly back in the future.
"Ha, you suckers! Your pockets are empty and I'm still sittin' high and dry!" Bowser taunted the booing crowd, still sitting in the dunk tank as no one was able to dunk the Koopa King into the water. "Boo! Ha, boo! I love it! Hey, biceps!" Bowser saw the General walking by with Cortez and Hart, feeling the need to rile up one of the time travelers. "I'm talking to you, Grey Hair! Take your best shot!"
"Hmph...your loss," the General responded to Bowser's challenge as he whipped out his gun and fired a shot at the target. Bowser was dunked into the water as the crowd collectively cheered.
Ashley: Guess that Cortez guy will never get a chance to arrest Dimentio. So much for that. Now Dimentio will never be busted for causing those time anomalies.
Skull Kid: What if Ness and Lucas were the ones causing those time anomalies? Ugh, now my brain hurts...
Ashley: That's good. Now play the theme.
Skull Kid: *takes out flute, plays the Twilight Zone theme song*