TW: brief mentions of child abuse
James, I've never told you this before. But when I feel most alone, it's you I talk to in my head.
1. After the worst summer of my life, you kissed me because you knew I was damaged.
I showed up inside my best friend's fireplace one summer night.
He wasn't expecting me.
His parents were out, and he was trimming the loose twigs of his most prized possession: his broomstick. When James saw me, he dropped it like it was nothing. He ran to me and took my face in his hands.
"Sirius." He said my name in a whisper, like he worried I was too fragile for a higher volume. Maybe I was. I'm sure I was quite the sight. "Who did this to you?"
He asked the question, but the answer was obvious. Still, I'm sure it was hard to understand parents who didn't love you when you grew up with the Potters.
There were angry bleeding lines drawn down my back because the Noble House of Black wasn't so noble. You love Muggles so much, I may as well punish you like one, my dear mother said. Really, I think she grew bored of using Crucio on me because I couldn't, wouldn't keep my anger locked up when my parents sneered about blood purity or said that the so-called Dark-Lord had "the right idea".
My brother Regulus hadn't wanted to run away to the Potters with me. I don't belong there, he'd told me. My parents didn't hurt him like they hurt me, but still, I couldn't help but worry. You belong wherever I am, I'd wanted to say. But I didn't. Because if I had, I would have never left.
I didn't cry until I looked into the warmth crackling in my best friend's firewood eyes. I wanted to get lost in them.
James cleaned me up and held me and pushed the hair away from my face as I lay in his arms that night. He told me I could stay with him forever, and anything felt possible in the moonlight pouring through his window.
I kissed him first, but he kissed me back.
I wanted to escape into him, and he let me.
2. You kissed me because you knew I loved you.
I liked to think James enjoyed it too—those summer nights we spent tangled in his sheets. I'd watch him sleep and put my finger to my swollen lips. I'd watch his chest rise and fall with every breath and let myself pretend that he loved me back the way I loved him.
I was afraid to ask, afraid to break the mirage, but I wondered if James knew that I'd loved him since the Sorting. After I was put in Gryffindor and my cousins booed, he asked if I wanted to put a Dungbomb in the Slytherin common room. Horrified that James had seen me tear up at their jests, I said yes, not wanting him to think I was a crybaby and never dreaming it'd be the first of many pranks.
That was the first time we used his invisibility cloak, and I felt a jolt when he pulled me closer so we'd fit underneath. But it wasn't until third year, when he suddenly asked if I thought that Lily Evans (the girl he loved to tease) was pretty that I realized I had feelings for him. I felt it in the sharpness of my jealousy, bitter on my tongue as I said, "Not really."
3. You kissed me because she didn't love you.
When we returned to Hogwarts for our sixth year, James held my hand in the hallways. He pulled me into his lap in the Common Room. He trimmed my broomstick before Quidditch practice because he knew I couldn't be bothered too. He rubbed my temples when I had a headache, and it felt more like love than anything else ever had.
It was all I'd ever wanted.
Our friends mostly took it in stride when James told them we were "together" at the Welcoming feast. "Finally!" Peter said. Like it was inevitable. Even Peter could tell how long I'd been obsessed with James.
Remus nodded, cheeks pink. I wondered if it made him uncomfortable that his best friends were dating. I tried to meet his eye, but he picked at his food. I scooted over a slice of his favorite chocolate cake, but he shook his head.
Maybe he was just squeamish from his most recent full moon.
Everyone whispered about us. I didn't know what my brother thought. Sometimes, I thought I felt his eyes watching us only to look back at the Slytherin table and see the back of his head.
James and I were a lot of things, but we weren't subtle. Maybe that was why he could finally talk to Lily Evans. She was no longer the victim of his desperate attempts at flirting. He could talk to her without making a fool of himself.
"Thank you," she said, stunned one day when she came back from class to see he'd saved her favorite common room study table by leaving his parchment and textbooks all over it.
"It was nothing," he said, though his arm grew tight around my shoulder.
"No, it wasn't," she said. "I can't study at the other one because it's—"
"—too close to the clock, and the ticking distracts you," James finished for her.
She blinked. "Yes. Exactly."
"But I wouldn't worry too much, Evans," he said with a grin. "Not with that brilliant brain of yours."
I resisted the urge to snort. I hated it. The way he fixed his ever-believing gaze at her. Lily actually flushed. She scanned James's arm around my shoulder and looked away quickly, but it was too late. For a moment, I'd see it on her face.
Looking into her eyes was like looking into an emerald mirror. It'd taken years, but I knew that she could see now what I'd always been able to see in him.
4. I stopped kissing you to set you free.
"This was fun, but we should stop now," I said one night.
My head was on James's chest. We were in his bed, and I stared at his hand as his fingers tugged at my waistband.
"Stop?" he said, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
I yawned and sat up, stretching my arms. I grinned back at him with practiced lazy ease and pretended he was one of the many lovers I'd used to forget that I loved him.
"This friends-with-benefits thing," I said.
"Friends-with-benefits?"
I nodded. "It was fun. But we're back at school now. And I think a certain redhead is jealous of our…dalliance."
I knew what his reaction would be. But I think part of me still hoped that he would say something different, something like, "I don't love Lily. You're the one I want."
Instead, he sat up, back straight.
"You really think so?" he asked.
5. You kissed her because you loved her like you could never love me.
One morning, I ran up to Remus as he walked to the library, his favorite place. I grabbed the end of his shirt to stop him, and he stiffened.
"I feel like you've been avoiding me," I said, panting. He looked away, as if taken aback by my sweatiness. I hadn't notice how tall he'd gotten this summer.
"Why would you think that?" Remus said. His sandy hair fell into his eyes as he stared at his shoes. During homework-heavy periods in the semester, he couldn't be bothered to cut it.
"Don't worry. James and I broke up," I said.
Remus tugged at a piece of hair. I found myself wanting to tuck it behind his ear. "Why would I be happy about that?" Remus asked. "Are you okay?"
I waved my hand. "Yeah. It was nothing serious. Sorry if we grossed you out with our public displays of affection."
"You're not gross," he mumbled into the pile of books he was carrying. "What do you mean by nothing serious?"
"We were just friends-with-benefits," I said. It tasted bitter as I said it, but I winked like I was telling him a fun secret.
"Seriously?" Remus said. His lips pursed. "You were just using each other?"
"Don't be such a prude, Remus," I said. "We enjoyed it, and now we stopped. What's so different about that than the way I always date?"
Remus winced. He always seemed uncomfortable at my casual approach to romance. "You and James are best friends. Doesn't that complicate things?"
"Not if we don't let it," I said.
I knew Remus thought I was being callous, but maybe I was callous. I'd always known there was something twisted, something wrong about me. I didn't know if it came from my blood, from being born into the Noble House of Black. Or if it came from being rejected by them. Wherever it came from, I tried to hide it. I hid gritted teeth through charming smiles. I hid snide remarks and hopelessness behind jokes and comforting words. But sometimes that inner darkness came out—like when I told a fling that I'd never cared for him. Or when I kissed James because I knew he was too nice to not kiss me back.
Or last year when I told Snivellus how to get past the Whomping Willow.
I shuddered at the memory.
"Are you okay, Sirius?" Remus asked.
"Never better," I said.
Snivellus had been onto Remus's situation for weeks. He'd taken to following me to find out how to get to the Shrieking Shack. He said, over and over again, that I deserved what my family did to me. I wasn't sure how he knew about the punishments, but it wasn't surprising considering the circles he ran in. He always said it out of earshot of my friends because he knew they would defend me and he knew, as I knew, that I didn't deserve them.
The other Marauders didn't have that darkness. Certainly not James (who ran after Snivellus to make sure my mistake didn't amount to something permanent) or Peter (who cheered me up afterward with his latest acquired joke book) or Remus (who just said, "It's not like he didn't know what I was anyway.").
The Marauders all forgave me almost immediately. All I had to do was apologize and tell them it slipped out because Snivellus kept pestering me about Remus. Impulsiveness wasn't exactly a new quality of mine.
I couldn't believe I was messed up enough that they didn't expect better of me. I couldn't believe I was messed enough that I was now asking Remus for a favor when I should still be paying him back for that.
"You look a little sick," Remus said.
"If by sick, you mean unbearably attractive," I said and flipped my hair with dramatic flair.
Remus rolled his eyes, but I saw a smile hiding in the corner of his lips.
I cleared my throat. "Actually, I came here with a favor to ask you. James asked out Lily, but he thinks I'm upset about it."
"Are you?"
"No!" I said, hoping I was imagining the higher pitch of my voice. "He needs to know I've moved on."
"Okay," Remus said. He leaned against the wall and brought his books close to his chest. "What does that mean?"
I grinned the grin that a girl once called wicked after she kissed it. I couldn't remember her name. "It means I want to kiss you. In front of him."
I'd thought about snogging a random schoolmate, but I couldn't break someone else's heart now that I knew what it felt like. That's what always happened when I kissed someone who was in love with the idea of me—they realized how wrong their idea was, and losing the illusion destroyed them.
I knew I could never break Remus's heart. He was one of my best friends, and I knew his taste in a significant other: kind, thoughtful, careful with their words.
Nothing like me.
6. I kissed him so you wouldn't worry.
The first time I kissed Remus was on the common room couch. I waited for James to come in through the portrait after Quidditch practice. Remus was helping me with an essay for Transfiguration.
"You need to cite an example to support your claim about Vanishment limitations," Remus said. He traced his finger over my handwriting and then put it on his chin. His dimples sunk into his smile as he spoke. "But otherwise, this is brilliant. If you turned in all your assignments, I'd have a rival besides Lily for top marks."
He was going to say more, but at the sight of James's dark hair sticking up in every direction, I grabbed Remus by the tie and pulled him closer to me.
"It might be fun to watch you squirm, Moony. Maybe I will start submitting all my assignments," I said.
Maybe that was a little too much. At my words, Remus's face flushed. Maybe he was just cringing at my terrible flirtation, but he was a better actor than I'd reckoned. He looked at a loss for words, so I added, "You're cute when you talk theory," for James's benefit.
And it wasn't a lie—Remus was cute when he talked about something he was interested in. I'd always thought so. His whole face lit up. His hands became animated. His shy demeanor gave way to his passion. Sometimes he even made class interesting to me.
If he was my teacher, maybe I'd actually pay attention to History of Magic.
I leaned down to kiss him, and Remus kissed me back tentatively. There was something so sweet about how gentle it was. Somehow, I found myself clutching his arm. His skin was soft, but I could feel the muscles rippling under my fingertips. I forgot myself and flicked my tongue against his lips. At that, he pulled me closer. I always forgot how strong he was, but I could feel it as his hand gripped my waist. Unwittingly, I arched my back, heat jolting through my body.
I was surprised he'd agreed to this. You help me every month, Remus had said. I suppose kissing you is the least I could do.
I hoped it wasn't too difficult for him. Kissing someone he didn't feel anything for. Remus had always been a romantic.
"Thank you," I said, as I pulled away dazed.
Remus's first date ever was only a year ago. James and I teased that he was a late bloomer. I hadn't expected him to be a good kisser, but the wistful look in his pretty eyes stopped me in my tracks.
He really was a good actor.
I remembered then to look around and realized James was long gone. I could only hope he'd seen enough to ask Lily out again.
I wouldn't hold him back. I refused.
"What are friends for?" Remus asked.
7. One day, when I kissed him, I forgot to think of you.
Remus and I kissed a few more times. Just enough to prove to James that he didn't have to worry about me.
It was probably unnecessary considering James barely glanced my way anymore. James and Lily were together all the time—laughing, talking, looking into each other's eyes. I'd buried my love for him for years, but after being with him and losing him, it felt so raw, bleeding under the surface of my skin.
What if I'd permanently messed things up between us? What if I'd exchanged my best friend for a few fleeting charged moments that ultimately culminated in nothing?
One time, I kissed Remus when James wasn't around. It was just one time.
"You don't have to do this," Remus told me the morning before it happened.
"We do this every full moon," I said. "Becoming Animagi was my idea, remember? I know what I signed up for."
"Yeah, but you're not usually alone," Remus said. "What if I hurt you?"
James and Lily had a date, and Peter was sick. I'd volunteered to take the full moon shift alone. I wasn't worried about it. We'd transformed with Remus so many times now that the sense of danger had worn off. I didn't get what Remus was so worried about.
"It's fine if you hurt me," I said with a shrug. "Who cares what happens to me?" I said it with a laugh, but maybe the words came out harshly, because Remus looked alarmed.
"Why would you say that?"
I'm used to being hurt. All I am is hurt. I wanted to say that, but you're not supposed to say things like that. So instead I said, "I was just joking. Padfoot is fast and tough. You don't have to worry."
"It wasn't funny," Remus said, sticking his chin out.
"I'll see you tonight," I said.
He was angry at me. I met him before sunset at the Shrieking Shack, and he didn't say a word to me. In Padfoot form, I still sat next to him while he transformed. At first, he resisted, but as his bones began to break, he clutched my fur like he usually did when the pain became too much. I hated seeing that, but I wouldn't make him go through it alone. If he had to go through it, the least I could do was stay at his side.
Eventually, my Remus was gone.
After dawn came and we'd both transformed back to ourselves, he spoke.
"I did hurt you," Remus said miserably.
Too late, I realized he'd seen my back. "That wasn't you," I said.
"Don't lie to me," he said. "I know what I am. I shouldn't be here. Hogwarts isn't for monsters, it's—"
I'd seen this before. The quick breaths. The words that ran into each other. He was having another panic attack. I got a sour candy I kept in my bag for this purpose and pressed it to his lips. He shook his head and gasped.
I kissed him, and it had the desired effect—it stunned him long enough for me put the sour candy on his tongue. Once he let the sour sweet taste pull him back in the moment, I said, "Breathe."
I rubbed his back until I counted three deep breaths. I hated that he ever had to worry about hurting anyone. I knew he would never do so on purpose and that it broke him to ever think about the possibility. If he ever did hurt anyone, it wasn't his fault, it was the curse. But Remus would always blame himself, so I wouldn't let it happen.
"You didn't do anything to my back," I said. "My mother did. Look at them—they're scars, not open wounds." The scars hadn't healed quite right even after the Potters brought a healer. Some kind of dark magic, I was sure.
Unlike James, Rems wasn't stunned by what my mother had done. Remus's parents loved him, but ever since his werewolf bite at four-years-old, he was no stranger to the world's cruelty.
"I knew you hated your family, but I didn't know—"
"I didn't want anyone to know," I said. "James only knows because I ran away to his place."
"I'll never let anyone hurt you again," he said. He looked like he meant it, his fists clenched and a wave of ferocity in the blue of his hazel eyes.
We both knew cruelty, but the difference between us was that he still believed in what the world could be.
I snorted. "Very dashing. But you can't actually guarantee that."
I didn't know why I was being so snide, but I'd been up all night, and I was tired of the smile I had to stitch onto my face every morning when I saw James and Lily hopelessly in love.
Remus tilted his head. "You're hurt."
"I just told you I'm not."
"I don't mean your back," Remus said, as if he'd just pieced something together. "You love James, don't you? It wasn't just friends-with-benefits for you."
My jaw locked. I shook my head. "That's ridiculous."
"It's not," Remus said simply. "It's how you feel."
"No, it's not. What would be the point of loving James?" I asked. "He's head over heels for Lily. We've known that since we were thirteen. He loves me as much as anyone could love someone like me, but how could I expect—"
"Sirius," Remus said. "You're crying."
I was. Remus pulled me into his arms, and even though he'd spent the whole night in unimaginable pain as his bones broke and came back together, I cried into his chest as if what I felt mattered.
He let me.
And it was strange, but I found myself wanting to pull Remus closer, wanting to feel his body pressed to mine, his mouth on mine.
For a moment, it felt like standing in James's fireplace. Like needing to be loved.
I felt nauseas, stomach turning. What was wrong with me? I shook away thoughts of kissing Remus. I should know by now not to trust the dark, twisted thing inside me that wanted to be loved, even when I knew it didn't deserve it.
I put my nose on the crook of his shoulder. He stiffened, but then he patted my back. He smelled like ink and sunlit leaves. I closed my eyes and promised myself to not mess up this friendship the way I'd messed things up with James.
8. Remus stopped kissing me because he'd never wanted to.
"Hey Remus," I said with a cheery grin when I found him (where else?) in the library. I plopped down in the chair next to him. "How do you feel after your furry little problem last night?"
"Merlin, Sirius," Remus said. He hated all of the Marauders' code words for full moons. "People are going to think I have hair in unfortunate places."
"I mean, that's true on certain nights," I said, my grin turning wicked. "But really, how are you?"
"I feel weak and have a migraine and have a mountain of homework," Remus said. "What else is new? What about you?"
"I'm just dandy," I said. "Being blessed with undeniably good looks and unimaginable charm has its perks, you know."
"Try again," Remus said. "No more hiding. Not with me."
My face fell. "What do you want me to say? That I had to leave the Common Room because James and Lily were snogging, and I couldn't bear it."
"Much better," Remus said, a soft smile on his face.
I rolled my eyes. James never pushed me like that. His assumption, unless I was literally bleeding in his fireplace, was that everyone was as happy as he was all the time. It made me feel like I could be happy too.
"But no more kissing," Remus said. For the first time since I sat next to him, he wouldn't meet my eye. "It's not good for either of us."
I nodded. James had only really needed to see me kiss Remus once to run headfirst into a relationship with Lily. I hadn't really talked to James in weeks, though Remus and I had still kissed a few times to make it convincing.
I shouldn't have pushed things. I should have known Remus was tired of kissing me. On the rare occasion I didn't break things off after the first hook-up, people always got tired of kissing me. The novelty of being with someone beautiful always gave in to the desire of being with someone worthwhile.
And it wasn't like Remus had ever even wanted to kiss me.
"Okay, but no more hiding from me either," I said.
"What do you mean?"
"I see you, you know," I said. "The way you've been since we found out about your furry little problem. You try not to ask us for favors. You always offer to help us with our homework. You feel like you're in our debt or something."
Remus tugged at his hair. "I am."
"You're not," I said.
"Are you seriously saying you don't want me to help you with your homework?"
"No," I said. "I'm saying that maybe you should make me beg a little."
I winked, and his cheeks flushed. I loved the color they turned. I knew that he was just so sensitive to flirting that even I could make him blush. I had to grab the end of my shirt to stop myself from touching him. I really needed to get a grip.
"The Marauders wouldn't do it if we didn't love you," I said with more seriousness.
"I'll believe that when you stop not caring whether you're hurt," Remus said. "Because we love you too."
Now it was my turn to blush. And for the first time maybe ever, I found myself wanting to care. Maybe I could.
9. Remus and I stopped kissing, but suddenly we were spending all our time together.
"Try again," became Remus and I's new go-to phrase. When Remus asked how I was doing after James said he was going to marry Lilly one day and I said I was fine, he said, "Try again." One day, when I asked Remus if he was stressed with studying and he said he was fine, I said, "Try again." So instead he told me what it was like, to always have to be the best because he knew his condition meant opportunities would be taken away from him.
"I used to like learning until I realized I had to be the best," he said, burying his face in his hands.
That alarmed me. "You don't like school anymore? I feel like my world is off its axis," I said. I made a mock face of horror. "Oh no, what if I like school now?"
"Haha," he said wryly.
"Quick, what does the form of a Patronus reflect about its user?"
"Well, there are several theories," he said. "Merlin argued that it reflects the person's character while Garfield theorized that the form reflects what the user wishes their character was. Meanwhile, Ivan had an interesting hypothesis that the form reflects what the user's character will be at the time of their death. But I'm partial to Dumbledore's theory that a Patronus form reflects someone who makes the spellcaster feel safe and loved."
"See, you still like learning. Look how your face lit up just now."
"That's different. You asked me a question."
"I'll just keep asking you questions then," I said and squeezed his hand. "You're the most brilliant person I know, and I wish you could enjoy it all the time instead of being worried about proving the world wrong. The world sucks."
He squeezed my hand and then pulled away. I found myself missing the warmth of his hand as I gripped the edge of my desk. I really needed to find someone to make out with. Preferably as soon as possible.
"I hope my Patronus isn't a wolf. I think Professor Wright is onto my…affliction," Remus said, referring to our paranoid and somewhat snide new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. "He's been really curious about what form my Patronus will be."
Some of our professors knew what Remus was. And their reaction was always a test of their character to me. If Professor Wright was giving Remus a hard time, he was dead to me.
Throughout the next few weeks, Remus and I kept exchanging "Try again's". When he asked how I was, I started saying "Fine" on purpose just because I liked how Remus's voice sounded when he said "Try again"—commanding and silly and sweet all at once. Sometimes I found myself wanting to kiss him, but I knew by now that I couldn't trust my heart.
10. Whenever I felt the peculiar urge to kiss Remus, I would find a random fifth-year to kiss—someone who was hot and uninterested in something serious. Haha, get it? Sirius!
One Saturday morning, James and I slept in and ran to breakfast long after our friends or Lily ate. We had exams soon, and everyone else was determined to waste their morning studying. Even Peter.
Well, I was no such overachiever and determined to start the day right (even though it was almost noon).
"Just the two of us then," James said.
I looked up at him from the plate of bacon I was devouring as I pointedly ignored the sad eyes of all the fifth-years I'd left devastated (even though they'd insisted they didn't want a relationship).
I wasn't a saint, and there was no use pretending anymore. I needed to get my libido under control somehow, or surely I'd end up doing something stupid like try to snog Remus again.
"Yeah," I said. With a start, I realized we hadn't hung out just the two of us in a long time. Partly because I'd been avoiding him.
"I miss you," he said. He scratched his head. "I know I've been busy with Lily, but I was thinking. We haven't pulled a prank in a while. Shall we?"
"That sounds great," I said. And to my surprise, I meant it. "What's say we target Professor Wright?"
We spent the afternoon scheming, and I was surprised at how much fun it was. But more than anything, I was surprised at myself. No longer did I long to pull him close to me or run my fingers through his hair or hold his hand. I'd loved him for so long, it felt strange to no longer feel that way. But it felt nice too.
I had my best friend back, and apparently I'd gotten my libido under control. Maybe now I could see Remus and no longer want to snog him relentlessly. That would be a relief.
"How are things with you and Remus?" James asked.
I looked up, alarmed. Had James become a Legilimens?
"No, I'm not a Legilimens," he said, even though that was exactly what a mind-reader would say. "I just know your thinking-about-Remus face."
I realized then that I had made an unfortunate miscalculation. Remus and I hadn't officially "broken up" in front of James, and now he thought we were still dating. "Oh, we, uh, broke up."
"You broke up?" he said, alarmed.
I knew what he was worried about. "Yeah, we were just casual though. Just like you and me." I said the second sentence slowly so he could be assured that I had no feelings for him.
"Wait, when did this happen?" he asked.
"Oh, weeks ago," I said.
"But you two are spending so much time together."
I shrugged. "We're friends."
"I dunno, Sirius. Are you sure he's okay?" James scraped his plate with his fork. "Remus has been in love with you forever."
"What? No, he hasn't."
"Yeah, he has," James said. "It's been written all over his face since first-year. You never noticed? Well, to be honest, I never really noticed. Lily did though, and I think she's right."
I shook my head. Sometimes Lily beat Remus for top marks, and right now that was hard to believe. Maybe spending time with James was making her dense. "Remus is too smart to love someone like me."
"What do you mean someone like you?" James asked. "Handsome? Hilarious? The most caring friend someone could ever ask for?"
I snorted. It didn't matter what James said. I knew I didn't have it in me, that thing that other people did that made them good like James or Remus.
But James had that look in his eyes—the one that made me fall for him our first year. It was familiar, the warmth in his eyes that saw something worthwhile in me.
My mouth parted. For a moment, I wanted to get lost in it again. I couldn't tell if this was habit or real.
"Sirius, I almost have it, my Patronus," Remus said as he walked up behind us. He was panting a little, like he'd run here. His skin was flushed, and I found myself wanting to trace it with my fingers. So much for having my libido under control.
"Seriously? What is it?" I asked.
But Remus looked from me to James with a strange look on his face.
"What's wrong?" I asked. I stood up. "Are you okay?"
He backed away. "Y-yeah. I just didn't realize you two…uh, I have to go. I have a meeting with Professor McGonegall."
He ran off as James and I exchanged a look. I wanted to run after Remus, but I wasn't sure why. Nothing had happened. Remus just looked a little sick all of a sudden. A "Try again" lingered on my tongue, like it knew he was hiding something.
"Is there a full moon soon?" James asked.
11. Not having Remus around was miserable.
Sprawled out on the common room couch, I sighed. Deeply.
James and Lily were studying next to me. Peter was apparently at the library on a quest to find someone to make out with since his friends were "all over each other".
If he were here, Remus would have asked me what was wrong ten minutes ago, and then I would have given a fake answer just to hear him say "Try again". As it was, James was oblivious, and Lily was too absorbed in running her fingers through James's hair as she read her notes out loud to him. It was an unexpectedly sweet sight. But I was too impatient to be sweet.
I sighed again. More deeply.
"Sirius, are you okay?" Lily asked, looking up in concern.
Sweet girl. Couldn't have asked for someone better for my best mate.
"Has anyone seen Remus?" I asked.
"Why don't you check the map?" James asked.
I gave him a pointed look.
"Did I forget to put it back?" James scratched his head.
I raised an eyebrow, and he scrambled up to find it for me. When he did, I couldn't find Remus's dot anywhere on the map. That left only one place.
As I stepped into the Room of Requirement, I asked it to take me where Remus would want to be. I knew it worked when I stepped into the room and heard Remus say, "Expecto Patronum!" A large silver furry four-legged creature burst out his wand and ran into the woods Remus had asked the room for.
"You did it," I said with awe. No one else in our year had accomplished that yet.
Remus started. He looked shaken when he saw me.
"Are you okay?" I asked. I scratched my head. "I'm sorry your Patronus is a wolf. I know you wanted it to—"
"It's fine," he said. For some reason, he looked relieved at my words.
"Is this what you've been working on?" I asked with a grin. "You're amazing, you're—"
"Sirius, I just—I need some space, okay?" he said. "I came in here because I needed to be alone."
There was a clench in my chest, and my throat tightened. "Yeah, don't worry about it," I said, keeping my grin fixed on my face.
I left even as I heard him call my name. Ears ringing, I walked back to the common room.
Maybe Remus had finally seen it. That thing in me. That inner twisted, bitter thing that separated me from him and the rest of the Marauders. And now he knew to stay away.
Even after meeting James on the Hogwarts Express, even after forming the Marauders, I always knew: one day I'd be alone again.
I was meant to be alone. And everyone else was better off for it. My parents knew it. My brother knew it. Now Remus knew it.
12. Just because everyone else is better off without me, doesn't mean I'm good enough to leave them alone.
After that day in the Room of Requirement, I hovered around James and Lily and Peter. Maybe it was selfish, but I wanted to get as much time with them as I could before they realized what Remus had realized.
Whenever Remus joined them, I made an excuse and left. I didn't want him to be stuck with me.
Whenever I made an excuse, I wanted to hear someone say "Try again". It felt like a kick in the stomach when no one did.
I needed to put my feelings in a box, to bury them deep within me and enjoy my friends for as long as we had together.
13. But maybe I really should try to leave them alone.
One morning, Lily, James, Peter, and I were eating breakfast in the Great Hall when a snowy owl swooped down. Its feathers were enchanted to be as black as night. At the sight of them, panic rose to my throat. It was a Black family owl, and in its claws was a bright red Howler.
"Don't come back," my mother's voice screeched.
At the sound of her voice, suddenly I was back in the manor, blood spilling around me. My father spelled me not to move, so I couldn't even close my eyes like I usually did. I couldn't use my eyelids to escape into the room I shared at Hogwarts with the Marauders. I wanted to pretend I could hear James's scheming and Remus's wit and Peter's laughter instead of my mother's heels or my father's insults or the slice of the belt on my skin. I wanted to be anywhere else.
The Howler went on and on. Finally, my mother's last words blared out: "You are a stain on our family tree. Worthless."
The letter disintegrated, and from it fell a plaque with my name on it from the family tree. When I touched it, it disintegrated too. It smelled like smoke.
"Sirius, are you—"
"It's fine," I said, shaking my head. I wasn't even sure who spoke. I grinned. "Scary bat, isn't she?" I joked.
James, Lily, and Peter all looked at me in horror. I'm pretty sure I heard Snivellus snickering from the Slytherin table. I hoped my brother wasn't at the table, but I couldn't bear to look. I took a bite of my bacon. I made joke after joke until my friends looked placated. I didn't let the edges of my smile fall.
My friends all came from families who cared about them, and I was hoping they would buy my nonchalance. Thankfully, no one told me to "Try again", and this time I didn't want them to.
On our way to Charms, I pretended I needed to go to the bathroom.
Instead, I stepped out of the castle and walked towards the Forbidden Forest. I stepped beneath a tree and leaned against the tree. I let my breaths come out the way they wanted to, raggedy and quick. And then I turned into Padfoot—my bones shrinking and stretching and shifting, fur sprouting over my skin, my teeth becoming larger and sharper as my nails stretched into claws.
When I first saw myself as an Animagus, I thought I looked like the Grim. I thought I looked liked death.
It was what I thought of as I transformed now. I became death, and then I ran.
14.
I wasn't planning on running for long.
Actually, I didn't have a plan at all.
I just wanted to run, to not think anymore, to be Padfoot and not Sirius anymore. My paws pounded against the floor. The wind rustled the leaves above me. There were other sounds too: scratching and screeching and scuttling. I avoided these sounds, and let my senses guide me. It was dark, but I liked that too.
I lost track of time. I could have been in that forest for minutes or hours or days. I couldn't be sure, and after a while, I wasn't thinking about any of it: my family or James or Remus. I was just Padfoot, and I liked it that way.
Here, I couldn't hurt or be hurt.
Here, I could breathe.
15.
Time blurred until I felt something chasing me. The creature behind me was fast. A warmth emanated from it that made the rest of the forest feel colder somehow, making me shiver even underneath my fur.
I thought I could outrun it. I thought I could outrun anything in this form.
I was wrong. All of a sudden, it was in front of me. Its silvery eyes gazed back into mine.
It was my twin, my silvery reflection. A second Padfoot stared back at me.
Someone cried out a name I knew was mine, but it felt unfamiliar through Padfoot's ears.
"Sirius," it cried out again. That voice. I loved the sound of it, the scratch of it. "Oh, thank, Merlin," it said. Suddenly there were arms around my back and tears falling onto my fur.
I don't remember transforming back. One moment, I was a dog. The next I was Sirius, leaning into Remus's touch.
"We've all been worried sick looking for you," Remus said. "And no one knows you're an Animagus except for the Marauders. It'd be my fault if... What if something happened to you? The forest is dangerous."
"You're here," I said. It was a response to his question laced with the wonder that he really was here, with me.
"Not even the creatures in here like to get near a werewolf."
"Your Patronus," I said, staring at the silvery form. "It's...not a wolf."
Suddenly, Remus looked miserable. "I didn't want you to know. But I needed it to help me find you."
I tensed and stepped back. "Why didn't you want me to know?" I asked. There could be a number of reasons his Patronus looked like my Animagus form, but what mattered is how he felt about it. And he looked embarrassed. Even ashamed. I scratched my arm. I couldn't blame him. He'd seen the darkness in me, and he knew not to want that.
He suddenly looked very interested in the tree next to me, in the rough lines of the bark. "I didn't want to burden you."
Now, I was confused. "What do you mean?"
"You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"
He looked exasperated, but I had no idea what he was talking about.
He sighed. "That I'm in love with you. Even though you're still clearly hung up on James."
I froze. That was not what I'd been expecting, but a surge of warmth filled me from my chest to my fingers. In my head, I repeated his words over and over again, trying to make them make sense.
"Y-you're in love with me?" I asked. "Since when?"
"Since always."
Since first-year, Lily had told James. I thought she'd been delusional.
"But why?" I asked.
It was a legitimate question, but Remus rolled his eyes, which he was apt to do in my presence. "The whole school is in love with you. You can't blame me for adding my name to the list."
"No," I said. "They don't know me. They don't know how messed up I am."
He raised his eyebrow. "I'm a werewolf."
"You can't control that," I hissed. I hated when he acted like it was his fault he was bitten.
He tilted his head. "Just like I can't control that I'm in love with you."
I glared at him. I wasn't sure why I was angry, but his words were spinning around my head and I wasn't ready to believe them. It felt like this was a dream or a hallucination or a trick.
Or maybe he was being nice like James. Maybe it had been written all over my face that I hadn't been able to stop thinking about kissing Remus for months now. Everything felt twisted, muddled in my head—my thoughts and feelings and logic all intertwined with the darkness that made me both the black sheep of the Black family and the Black sheep of Gryffindor House.
"No one could ever really love me once they know me." I didn't realize how long those words had lived under my skin, nestled into my bones, until I wrenched them out. They sounded strange, ringing in my ears.
"You can't possibly really think that," Remus said.
"You do," I said. "Isn't that why you needed space from me?" I hurled the question like a weapon. Even now, I couldn't stop myself from letting the bitterness bubble out.
He flinched, and then he ran his fingers though his hair. "I know you don't feel the same way, and I don't want to lose you as a friend. I just needed some space to sort it out. It became harder after you kissed me." He raised an eyebrow at me. "But really, why would you say that? You always make me laugh. You're fiercely loyal to your friends. You're always watching out for everyone else and not yourself. You never make other plans on a full moon."
My mouth opened and closed. Finally, words did come out, hushed and brittle. "But I told Snape about the Whomping Willow."
"And I forgave you."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't have."
"But I did," he said. "I know you didn't actually want to hurt anyone."
"No, I did," I said. I bit the inside of my cheek. "I mean, I didn't want him to know about you. I just snapped. He...he knew about my parents. What they were doing to me, and I-"
Remus's eyes darkened. "That greasy git."
I don't think I'd ever actually heard him directly insult Snape. I shook my head. "I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him and didn't think of anyone but myself."
"You think I don't understand lashing out or being sorry?" Remus asked. "Look, I'm not going to tell you it wasn't messed up. But you told James because you knew he would stop it. And I know you wouldn't do it again."
That much was true. "But I'm cruel and callous and thoughtless," I said.
"You're not."
"I am."
He sighed and grabbed me. I let him pull me against his chest. "You're sometimes spiteful and impulsive," Remus said. "And sometimes I'm reclusive and withdrawn. Does having a flaw mean no one's allowed to love me?"
"No," I said, exasperated. That was different. Loving Remus would be easy. He was endlessly patient and smart and gentle but with a witty sense of humor that always surprised me. His smiles were hard-earned, but I loved how they sunk into his cheeks. I could look at him forever, could endlessly run my fingers though his thick waves and forget myself in tracing the square of his jaw and the ripples of muscle under skin scarred from endlessly painful transformations that he would always claim didn't hurt until I pushed because I loved to push the people around me, especially Remus.
Oh. Oh.
"Listen, I heard about the Howler," Remus said. Worthless, the echo of my mother's voice chided. It was my turn to flinch, but he continued to speak. "When I look at you, I see someone who's hurt and still loves fiercely despite that. I see someone endlessly loyal and witty, who can make me laugh even before a full moon. I see someone who I want in my life forever even if it's not the way I want."
I fell in love with James on the first day I met him. I fell in love with how carefree he was, with how everything was a joke to him, with how loudly and joyfully he lived. I wanted to be like that too, and loving him made me feel like maybe I could be.
Remus was different. He was haunted in a way that I recognized whenever I looked into his weary hazel eyes. He was haunted, but he was still gentle, still soft and kind despite his razor sharp insight into the dark of world he saw so clearly but was still so sure could be better. He saw me when it felt like no one else could, and I saw him right back.
My heart felt so full looking at him. It was then that I knew what I hadn't been able to say to myself while my heart was healing. I just wasn't sure I could say it yet.
I didn't want to mess this up like I messed everything up. But Remus looked so sad, hair falling over his face. I couldn't not say anything.
"I-I don't love James anymore. Not like that," I said. "And I'm not…Well, I don't know much, but I do know this: for the last few months, when I'm not by your side, I've missed you. Every time you're worried or scared or sad, I want to tell you a joke to make it better. Every time you bite your lip, I want to reach over and kiss you."
He looked up, stunned, but I couldn't stop speaking. "Every time I see a candy wrapper, I think of you."
"You know the lot of you act like all I eat is chocolate," he said. "It really does help with recovering from full moons."
"The point of this isn't your disturbing addiction to sweets, Remus," I said, hands in my hair. "I don't want to mess this up. I mess everything up. I always have, and I—"
He put a finger to my mouth. Heat rose to my face as he said, "It's okay, Sirius."
It wasn't. "But—"
"We can take this day by day. If I have to, I'll tell you every day what I see in you. And when you start to believe it, maybe one day, we can discuss kissing again." He said the last bit with a wry smile that made me want that day to be today.
But my thoughts were still jumbled from the Howler, from everything really. And I knew Remus—I didn't think he was ready to believe it either, that I loved him back. The next time we kissed, it had to be perfect. This was too important to not get right.
Remus held my hand as we walked back to Hogwarts, the only place that, for both of us, really felt like home. As we walked, I felt a surge of something. Hope? Because with Remus's hand around mine, I felt like it was possible. To love and be loved even though I'd grown up in a home where I'd never been taught how.
"Say," Remus asked. "Did you have anything to do with Professor Wright's voice suddenly baring an odd resemblance to a chipmunk?"
I blinked back innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about."
He smirked. "Try again," he said and squeezed my hand.
15. James, thanks for watching out for me. If you hadn't, maybe I wouldn't be here now.
Remus, one day I'll kiss you again.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! This idea has lived in my head since I was a teen, and it felt so healing to finally write it. As an eldest child with a messy relationship with my parents, Sirius has always been my comfort character…which is unfortunate considering his arc is not exactly cozy…However, I love giving him moments of happiness.
Hope you enjoyed! :)
Currently writing Remus's POV.
If you want visuals, I've also made (and am making) Tiktok edits for this fanfiction and future ones under torturedwolfstardept. My current hyperfixation.