CHAPTER 28 - VALE
Bliss watched Afflatus flit around her room, tidying things that didn't need to be tidied, dusting the same spotless spots over and over. Her face was calm, but Bliss knew better than to trust just the exterior.
There was tentative peace in D1, amongst most of the victors. Lustre's future was yet to be determined, based entirely on his own behaviour. The other victors seemed inclined to give him a chance to be part of their community if he shaped up. Bliss wouldn't forgive him, though; for what he did to Basal, and how he'd treated Afflatus. He'd have to watch his back.
The rest of the D1 victors were tethered to one another again. It was more than Bliss thought possible, but was glad the conversation by the fire pit went as it did. Finally some answers, finally some honesty.
She couldn't imagine how heartbreaking the news was for Afflatus, though. The concept of privacy wasn't afforded to her. The people she had to see every day witnessed some of the worst moments of her life. Bliss didn't know how Affy was keeping it together. She worried how the girl would fare after Bliss left.
Buzz Buzz!
Bliss' phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out to see a missed call from her wife. Bliss closed herself in Afflatus' office and returned the call immediately. Ambrosia picked up on the second ring.
"Hey, Ambrosia." Bliss greeted.
"Hi Bliss." Ambrosia's voice was like a breath of fresh air.
"I'm so glad to hear your voice." Bliss said. No matter the somewhat complicated relationship she had with Afflatus, Bliss loved her wife with all her heart.
Ambrosia chuckled. "You too, babe. When are you coming home?"
"I'm catching a train tomorrow morning, and I'll be back by the evening. I can't wait to see you." Bliss said.
"Me either. How are you and Afflatus managing in D1?" Ambrosia asked.
Bliss paused. She wasn't sure what to say over the phone lines; they weren't secure. "Some old, some new, but no matter how much things change, they always stay the same, right?" The word salad was not what Bliss meant to say, but her mind faltered.
"Oh hun, you need some TLC." Ambrosia laughed softly, a light in the darkness.
"I can't wait to see you." Bliss repeated.
"I wanted to ask…" Ambrosia started. "Would you like the invite Afflatus to D7 while things settle in D1?"
The question befuddled Bliss. Ambrosia and Afflatus had developed a casual acquaintance over the years, through Bliss' casual friendship with the D1 victor, but they weren't close. Bliss wondered if Ambrosia was suspicious. It was fair, Bliss had some explaining to do. If Ambrosia wanted to see them together for herself, who was Bliss to deny her?
"That's very generous, Am. Are you sure?" Bliss asked.
"Yes. There's more than enough space, right?" Ambrosia said.
"Absolutely… How are you doing, love?" Bliss asked.
"I've missed you… the house always feels empty when you're not home. I won't go on about it, of course. I know being away is worse for you. I just…" Ambrosia trailed off, sadness in her voice.
"You can talk to me, babe, what?" Bliss prompted.
"I just miss you." The words were a whisper, and seemed to imply more than the physical distance. Bliss cursed herself for being so wrapped up in Capitol matters.
"I love you so much." Bliss said.
"I love you too." Ambrosia replied.
"I'll see you tomorrow, yeah? I'll talk to Afflatus about staying for a bit." Bliss said.
"Sounds good, Bliss." Ambrosia said, recovered. Her tone was airy again. "Bye, love."
"Bye, Am." Bliss said, and hung up the phone.
Guilt immediately clenched Bliss' chest. It was a consequence of Bliss' own actions, but Bliss wasn't trying to cheat, even if emotionally- and not physically- she was just trying to survive and find moments of comfort where she could. Just as Afflatus was.
Bliss didn't know how Afflatus felt about her, and felt silly sometimes for even entertaining the idea that Afflatus loved Bliss as much as Bliss loved her. It was a mess; Bliss loved her wife, and she loved Afflatus. She buried her head in her hands and sighed.
It wasn't something she could let herself dwell on. If one emotion became too strong, there was no telling if she could rein it in before it cascaded into something entirely too overwhelming. She exited the office.
…
Afflatus happily accepted Ambrosia's invitation to D7. She told Bliss she wouldn't intrude for long, but that it would be nice to have some space to breathe, away from the stormy moods and emotional fallout currently overwhelming D1.
Red offered to drive Afflatus and Bliss to the train station, and the other D1 victors had gathered to see them off, save Lustre. He was absent. Afflatus watched Bliss pack their bags into the car, giving the victors a moment of privacy.
They'd recovered their masks, faces projecting strength and fellowship. They wished Afflatus good travels, and told her they'd be awaiting her return. Afflatus tried to quell her instinctual distrust at the positive attention, sure the emotion would fade over time. Distrusting them no longer served to protect her, she reminded herself.
Areti gave her a hand-made sheath for the hunting knife that always accompanied Afflatus. It clasped easily over her belt. The soft leather was treated and stitched with care. Afflatus smiled, and shook his hand in gratitude.
The other victors offered their goodbyes, then Afflatus, Bliss, and Red tucked themselves into the car.
Plush leaned down beside Red's window. "Can I come for the ride?" He asked his elder.
"Not this time. If you'd like to be useful, go make breakfast with Florence. She likes company in the mornings." Red answered.
"Yes, sir." Plush was disappointed, but didn't protest.
"Bye, Plush. I'll see you soon." Afflatus called from the back seat.
"Bye, Afflatus!" Plush called, waving as Red pulled away from the curb.
They drove by Lustre's mansion.
"Lustre hasn't killed himself, has he?" Afflatus ventured to ask.
Red gave her a sidelong glance. "Andreas and Areti checked on him this morning. He cursed them out of his house. I'd call that proof of life. Why?" He asked.
"Just wondering." Afflatus answered, cryptically.
She hadn't shared her last conversation with Lustre, other than with Bliss. The D1 victors were still in the dark about the true nature of his punishment. Not that Lustre knew that. Afflatus was sure he was also tormented by the idea she could have spilled his secrets already. She hadn't though, not because she cared about keeping his confidence, but the information could potentially be used to control him in the future, and she wouldn't give up her advantage.
Red didn't press her. They wound through the concrete streets until they reached the golden gates separating victor's village from the rest of the district.
"Afflatus…" Red began.
"Yes, sir?" Afflatus asked.
"I want you to know I took our meeting seriously. I feel my share of shame, but I won't allow you to comfort me over it, I just want you to know that I don't feel nothing. Things will be different around here. Not only a change in the culture of the victors, but a change in the culture at our academies. Before I die, I will return District 1 to honour. This, I promise you." Red said, staring down the road.
Red's declaration hit Afflatus harder than others she'd received from the D1 victors. She'd always respected him, despite feeling distant from him in the past. It meant a lot to know he was in her corner.
"Thank you, Red." The use of his first name, in this case, denoted respect.
"Thank you for remaining strong, Afflatus." Red said, returning the sign of respect.
…
As the train doors closed behind Bliss, the adrenaline and tension that held her hostage the entire time she was in Capitol and D1 faded away. She was exhausted, and her brain wasn't working right. The girls settled in the lounge car. Afflatus brought over mugs of tea for herself and Bliss.
Bliss felt heavy, the weight of the last weeks making it hard to breathe. Each new experience was another stone added to the weight on her chest. The utter chaos of the Games and the subsequent revelations about the victors' lives gutted her. The psychological torment of watching Lustre torture Basal, then emerge victorious made her vision hazy.
Her body still trembled and jumped whenever someone touched her, due to Marcus' assault.
The mental power it took to unwind the catastrophic history in D1, and keep watch over Afflatus zapped what was left of her energy reserves. She was a shell of herself.
"Bliss, what's going through our mind?" Afflatus asked.
Bliss thought about answering, and began to prepare the words, but instead her throat closed and she started crying. It wasn't gentle. She couldn't get a word out. As she sobbed, mucus dipped from her nose, tears dampened the fabrics around her. Afflatus didn't move, not wanting to make the situation worse by suddenly touching her.
"Fuck, I'm sorry." Bliss choked out.
"It's alright…" Afflatus trailed off. "Can I do anything for you?"
"I just… can I have some time alone?" Bliss asked. She appreciated Afflatus, always, but felt an overwhelming urge for a moment to herself.
"Of course." Afflatus' brows furrowed, but she left the car without another word.
Bliss didn't want her to get the wrong idea, she didn't mean to push her away, but nothing made sense anymore. The tsunami and subsequent drought of emotion left her completely useless to everyone and herself. Something clicked for Bliss, now that her anger had completely deflated and she was left with hopelessness…
No matter how many times she'd examined her notes, she couldn't quite find a pattern between the victors who were targeted for assignments. She thought about the contents of the pages. The psychological profiles of the targets stood out to her- certain buzz words used to describe notable troublesome victors- celebrities in the public eye who the Capitol had to keep on a shorter leash, and their response to emotional trauma: 'submissive,' 'compliant,' 'internally-directed anger,' 'embarrassment,' 'shame,' 'self-loathing."
The same page included terms to describe how the Capitol population perceived them: 'Large public interest,' 'sexually appealing,' 'tempting,' 'seductive,' 'intriguing.'
The troublesome victors, who were more likely to repress their anger and turn it on themselves, were deemed easier to control through sexual abuse than the others who were prone to directing their anger out. The ones who were flagged as self-hating had the long client lists. Bliss felt sick.
The victors untouched by the trafficking operation appeared to be favoured careers, mentally unstable victors- like Bliss- who'd be pushed over the edge by such treatment, and unimportant victors who flew under the radar.
The troublesome victors who were deemed "anger-out" people- those more likely to cause scenes in public, appear to be punished in ways other than sexual exploitation. Bliss remembered that the family death toll amongst these victors was higher.
The extremes of the punishments seem to swing one of two ways: graphic physical and sexual abuse, or brutal murder of family members. It chilled Bliss to her core to realize the way the victors were profiled, then hurt in the way that would damage them the most.
The Capitol's control was calculated and omniscient.
With a better understanding of the Capitol's ways, Bliss was more terrified than ever. The risk of the information heist sunk in. Ambrosia could have been murdered for it. Harlem had tried to warn her, years ago, after her Games. It wasn't that she didn't believe him, she thought if she followed the rules, she could slip under the Capitol's radar.
It was foolish to look at the Victor Files, a burden of what could have been had she been discovered.
Bliss wavered between dissociation and desolation. She wanted to fight to her last breath, and simultaneously wanted to take her last breath.