Ayanna always took pride in her ability to keep the hell away from drama. She had been relatively successful at it for years. That all went to hell the moment she was introduced to Elliot Stabler.
When the opportunity arose to command her own task force, she jumped at it. The name Elliot Stabler sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't quite place him. After a short debriefing, she met the man himself. It wasn't until she saw him interact with Captain Olivia Benson for the first time that the puzzle piece dropped into place.
Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler. Their names had always been spoken as a sort of package deal. Sometimes the names were spoken in annoyance, other times in reverence, but everyone knew the good captain and the partner who had her neck all those years ago.
Initially, Ayanna tried warning Elliot off of Benson. The pragmatic side of her knew the potential disaster in store if the pair played too fast and loose. Their careers weren't the only ones on the line. Hers had been too.
But the two of them were like magnets, some invisible force seemed to draw them together on an instinctual level. In the beginning, Ayanna didn't bother hiding her disapproval, but the more she interacted with the former partners, the more she understood the magic everyone had always alluded to. But she also understood the danger.
When their teams got thrown together for a joint case last spring, she was certain something had changed between the two. They worked the case together seamlessly, at least until Benson got shot. Then Jamie died and Elliot went under, and Ayanna doubted the idiot thought about what that would do to Olivia.
He must have spoken to her beforehand because Ayanna suspected the large compass that continued to hang around the captain's neck was courtesy of her most stubborn detective.
Ayanna ran into Liv occasionally at 1PP and other random events put on by the department. No matter the outfit, the necklace dangled above her chest was always on full display. Countless times, Olivia's fingers toyed with the surface, and Ayanna knew where the woman's mind was. Sometimes she wished she smacked Stabler around and told him to get his shit together, but that would break one of her personal rules.
Don't get involved. Stay out of the drama.
Beyond the one comment made early in their partnership, she tried to steer clear of the Benson/Stabler land mine. Lurking too close could result in the loss of a limb. Or a career.
It had been well over a year since Benson last stepped into the OCCB headquarters, so Ayanna found herself doing a double take when the captain stepped through the hallway opening and into the bullpen.
The office was quiet. Only she and Elliot remained for the evening. They both insisted they needed to finish paperwork, but honestly, she suspected that his reasons for staying were the same as hers.
She didn't want to go home.
Olivia didn't even glance in the direction of Ayanna's office, making Ayanna's presence unknown. She wasn't one to snoop needlessly, but she tucked herself out of sight so she could listen to the conversation about to take place on the other side of the glass.
Elliot didn't turn as Olivia approached. Ayanna could easily read his posture, and a subtle change drifted over his body. It was as if his muscles had both tensed and relaxed in a strange sort of paradoxical response to the woman who had silently slipped into his space.
Without a word, Olivia stood behind him, eventually pressing her palm onto the papers Elliot was hovering over. When she finally spoke, her voice came out soft as velvet.
"Elliot, you can't avoid this forever."
Without meeting her eyes, he shook his head. "I'm not avoiding anything."
Ayanna almost laughed. That was bullshit. Elliot Stabler wasn't hard to read. If he was volunteering to complete paperwork, then he was definitely avoiding something.
The look on Olivia's face indicated she didn't believe him either.
She sighed before loving around the chair so she could lean against his desk. "Come on, El." Her voice remained low. "This is his choice. He needs your support right now."
His eyes still remained on the paperwork, and his pen remained in his hand. "Who called you?" He shook his head and muttered, "Damn it Katie."
Ayanna could sense Olivia's eyeroll. Her voice took on a firmer tone. "It wasn't Katie. Eli called me himself."
That caught his attention, and he spun around in his chair. "What did he say?"
Suddenly, Ayanna became very interested in the conversation. She figured Olivia was talking about the Stabler brother drama. What the hell was going on with Eli?
Elliot's eyes narrowed. "Did he mention that his girlfriend is pregnant?
Oh shit. The extra brooding behavior over the past few weeks suddenly made sense.
The shock on Olivia's face appeared genuine. "No. He didn't say anything about that. Becky's pregnant?"
"Uh yeah. That's the reason behind all of," he sighed, "whatever it is."
"Joining the academy," Olivia clarified. "What are you really afraid of, Elliot?" Her voice lowered into a tone of intimacy she had never heard from the indomitable Captain Benson.
His eyes flicked nervously at her face. "He's my kid. I just didn't want... He blew out a long breath and leaned back in his chair.
"Is he happy?"
The question caught him off guard. "What?"
"Is he happy? Is this what he wants?" Olivia's eyes were fixed on Elliot's face, and Ayanna knew she was reading his expressions in a way only she could.
Ayanna knew some of Elliot's story. Teenage pregnancy included. Law enforcement wasn't exactly his first choice, but it was what he needed to do to provide for his family. Ayanna knew Elliot loved the job, but part of her wondered if some of his restlessness was the result of his choices being taken away from him.
"I don't really know," Elliot admitted sadly.
Olivia reached for a nearby chair and rolled it close to his so she could sit close to him. She leaned forward in her chair and reached for his hands. It felt strange to observe this interaction. There was always a sort of intimacy in the way Elliot and Olivia moved around each other, but they rarely touched. Seeing the blatant show of physical affection and emotional support was fascinating.
"This is his choice." When he hesitated, she added, "He isn't you, El."
"Well, we didn't do him any favors by giving him my name." His attempt at humor landed flat when his voice cracked with emotion.
She chuckled lightly. "Maybe not, but just because he has your name doesn't mean he will make the same choices you did."
"Isn't that what he's doing? I'm not crazy, Liv. There are parallels here that are too obvious to miss." He didn't sound defensive, just desperate.
"He has choices, Elliot. He knows what he's doing, and he's making the choice he can live with most."
"Just because you can live with something doesn't make it the right choice." A weighty gaze passed between them.
"He's not you," Olivia reiterated her previous statement.
"No. You're right. He's not. He's softer than me. Just as stubborn, but this…this isn't the right choice for him. It will change him." His voice cracked. "I don't want it to destroy him."
Olivia left one hand resting on his, and the other reached for his face. "It won't be the same for him." She gave him a gentle smile. "He's got you."
"Maybe that's the problem."
"What's that supposed to mean?" It seemed the woman would always fight for him, even if it meant fighting against him.
"We aren't going to pretend I'm some saint.
She laughed and said, "Yeah, that was never a possibility."
"I should have done better with Eli. I should have done more."
Olivia's hand drifted up his forearm. "You did what you could."
"I should have done better. And some times I wonder... He shook his head adamently, unable to voice his thoughts.
Olivia patiently waited him out, her hand tightening against his forearm in support.
"I guess I wonder what would have happened if I had made different choices all those years ago."
Ayanna had no clue what he was talking about, but judging by the way Olivia's back stiffened, she knew exactly what he was talking about.
"You did the right thing, you know, back then. It was the right choice."
He scoffed. "Did I? Or did I just do what was expected of me? Do you ever wonder how things could have been different? How should they should have been different?"
She shook her head adamantly. "We can't go there, El. The choices were made. There's no sense in wallowing in regret."
"I know that. I do. But this thing with Eli." He pulled his arm out of her grasp so he could bury his head in his hands. "I never resented him. Never. But sometimes I just felt. God, I felt trapped, and I worry Eli always sensed that. I always wonder if he felt that and interpreted it as something else. I don't know. I mean, he's accused me of never being there, and maybe he's right."
"You did the best you could," she said firmly and for the second time. "The situation was impossible, and you made the best choice for you and your family."
"But what about you?"
She checked bitterly. "I wasn't your family."
His head whipped up, and Ayanna was caught off guard by the fire that suddenly appeared in his eyes. "That's bullshit, and you know it."
"We don't have to do this right now." She pushed her chair away and began to stand. Before she was completely up, he hurried to his feet. His hand darted out, catching her forearm and pulling her towards him.
"No. No, we're doing this. It's been three years of us dancing around the truth, and I need to say this."
Olivia swallowed nervously. "Don't say anything you will regret later." Her voice trembled when she issued her warning.
"I should have stayed. I should have..."
Olivia shook her head and tried to take a step back, but his grip on her remained firm. "Please," she was pleading. "Please don't say it unless you mean it." Her voice sounded small and unsure.
Ayanna was beginning to feel incredibly guilty over her inadvertent intrusion. She couldn't make her presence known since she was fairly certain this conversation needed to happen decades ago, but she also didn't feel like she should be privy to this extremely personal conversation. She couldn't escape her office without being seen, but she slid down the wall and sat on the floor behind a well placed potted plant. She felt a little less voyeristic not watching them, but their conversation continued to drift through her open office door.
His deep voice rumbled. "I've meant this for, God, I don't know how long. This is me finally being honest with myself and with you."
Ayanna's heart pounded nervously as she listened to whatever admission he had been holding back over the twenty-five-year friendship.
"It should have been you," he murmured. "All those years ago. It should have been you."
"Elliot."
He continued. "I should have told you after Gintano. I should have told you then that it would kill me to lose you." He swallowed some of his emotion and continued. "I should have shown up on your doorstep after Abraham and all those kids," he said, clearing his throat. "I should have told you that my marriage was over, but for the first time, I felt free. I should have fallen into you instead of falling into the familiar." His voice tightened. "And after I shot Jenna, I should have told you that I was scared of what you had become for me. I loved you, Liv, and the thought, God, it could have been you that day, and I couldn't…I couldn't."
Ayanna heard the sounds of their bodies shuffling around, and for a moment, there was only silence. She was tempted to peek around the plant, but resisted. Finally, Olivia spoke, her voice muffled by his shoulder.
"When's the last time you ate something?" Olivia asked gently.
Ayanna knew the nonchalant shrug that Elliot was fond of.
"Let's grab some takeout and head to my place. Noah's at a sleepover. We can finish this conversation there, okay?"
"Yeah, Liv, that sounds amazing."
There was more shuffling, and the sound of desk drawers shutting. Ayanna peeked around the plant to watch the couple exit the squadroom, hands clasped together.
She leaned her head back against the wall and let out a slow breath. Her life hadn't exactly been peachy or pristine lately. Divorce, a custody battle, losing a fellow officer, getting shot, and dealing with the scum of the earth had left her a little jaded lately. One event after another had knocked her down over and over, but as she watched one of her closest friends finally reach for that elusive concept of happiness, she felt a little warmth seep back into her world.