The meetings in which Mr Cooper had come to Ferndean were not a particularly good start for Jane and Edward's search for a home. During the first meeting, as Jane and entered the room with her husband, Cooper had looked confused.
"Sir' he had said, smiling as if him and Mr Rochester were sharing some secretive joke between them. "Are we to have this meeting with your wife here?"
"Yes, Ms Rochester is absolutely to remain with me"
"Ah, I see. As your assistant and aid for your-" a pause "condition".
"No, Ms Rochester is here because she is my wife, and nothing less of it. Now proceed" he had snapped.
The meeting proceeded with continued bumps although, from that point on, he had made an effort to be especially kind to Jane, complementing her on her wish for an attractive garden and many windows to bring in natural light.
"Ms Rochester, very sensible, very sensible. When you do indeed look at selling your home later, or even pass it alone to, uh, family, these are very attractive features to have in a home".
Jane had nodded in agreement but said nothing. She did not think it was worth testing her fortitude with Mr Cooper.
"And to think" he had said after an overlong pause which had been caused by this odd habit of looking off into the distance "Meesley manor could be your home. Oh excuse me, excuse me for wishful thinking" he had prattled, turning the parchment in his hand dramatically.
When he had returned to his carriage and the sound of horses' clicking heels were safely heard, Mr Rochester turned to Jane.
"What an insufferable man" his voice sounded restrained. "All that talk of wood finishes and dirty fireplaces ruining the peace and calm one could feel in a room"
"Were you not fully interested?" she said, acting surprised.
"And to think" he began, watching the carriage at the end of the drive meet the road and turn to the left "He was so out of sorts because you were there, Jane. Small, quiet and kind Jane scare someone? imagine!"
"I'm sure it was not me, rather it was the fact that I am a woman that frightened him, if indeed that sort of frenzy is not his constant state. How foolish it seems that a woman should be excluded from such matters as a home she is to live in the majority of her life".
Edward placed his arm around Jane's waist, kissing her temple.
"I am indeed equally intrigued and frightened to see what homes he brings for us on his next visit" she said, grinning.
Jane and Edward retreated back into the house, laughing together.
That night, Jane and Rochester sat together in the sitting room after dinner for a very long time. It had been a wonderful meal, and Jane and her husband had spoken openly about insecurities they had before their marriage to one another. Jane couldn't help but feel themselves being fused even closer, for he had trusted her with his most personal thoughts, and had listened to hers in return. As he spoke, the warm hue of the fire dancing across his face, Jane found she had no will nor any power to tear herself from his side.
"When did you forgive me?" Jane asked, looking into his deep eyes. "You say that you did not blame me for my leaving, but you must have been so angry".
"Oh Jane, there was nothing to forgive. I was angry, yes. But it was at myself, and never at you. How could I possibly harbor any frustration towards you when I had threatened to blacken your perfect soul for my own selfish gain. No Jane, I was more hurt that you did not think to confide in me, your old master and closest friend. I was hurt you did not enter my chamber the following morning after you had been well nourished and tell me in person that you had to leave. I have always loved you far too dearly to force you into anything you did not wish to do. As I have told you, I would have willingly given you half of all my wealth without even asking for a kiss in return. For those days of your disappearance I was sick to my stomach with worry"
"I would have come to you" Jane promised "I would have come to you if I thought for a moment I had strength enough for it. When we spoke that night, when you begged me to stay, begged for me to become your wife, everything in my power was telling me to surrender, to give in. I could not face the mirror of my broken soul. I could not look you in the eyes and tell you that I would be gone, for that meant I had to tell my own self I was to go and that was too much to bare".
"I know-," he began, his face contorting with pain "that when you relayed your story to me of how you came to live with your cousins you considerably softened the blow for me. I know Jane, you must have suffered greatly, no matter what narrative you conveyed to me. Tell me now, how did you forgive me after that?"
Jane shook her head, looking down at their interwoven fingers. "There was nothing to forgive then. I had forgiven you the moment you had asked for it, and in the deepest chamber of my heart I knew I could never hate you, or despise you. Perhaps it would have been much easier if I had, but you see I did not".
"If you had married me that night, Jane, what would have been different?" he asked slowly.
"Everything. I could never have come to trust you again if we had already been married. I would have been happy, fulfilled, but never trusting of you, for we would not have married as equals"
"I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms" he replied, his voice filling with regretful sadness. "I think about that a lot at night, when you fall asleep before me, laying in my arms. I would never have been able to hold you there so tenderly. I would have felt like a monster, for I would have been one. By God, what a life if I could not hold you with the love I possess for you now".
Jane stood from her armchair, sitting on her husbands lap beside her. He smiled at his, feeling her head fall to rest on his shoulder. She swung her legs over the end of the arm of the chair and looked into the warm, flickering fire.
"Do tell me again" she asked
"What am I to tell you, my darling?"
"The love you possess for me" she answered, warmly.
His face softened into a warm smile as he bit his lip. He looked at her as he spoke. "I love you as my own flesh. You are my life, the sun and moon and stars of my world are guided and directed by you. I have no wish but to please you, no desire but to bind myself to you in every possible way. Yet, I remind myself how weak all my words are, for no word I could possibly utter could describe the depth of the affection I feel for you. Since this is the case, I shall leave the telling to my soul, which is the same as yours. In this way, I could hope for you to understand a fraction of what you mean to me, and that would be enough".