Chapter 29: Objection!

As it turns out, court was a lot more boring and a lot longer than TV and movies made it seem. Asmodeus had denied giving Blitz or Stolas a drug or anything else that might aid in an assassination attempt on Lucifer, saying that they had just tried to set them up on a date. Fizz said the same, glossing over the long, complicated history he and Blitz had together and just saying that they've been friends since they were kids and he wanted him to stop moping. But it was argued that of course they would deny it. Andrealphus even went as far as to imply that Ozz's trial would be next unless they found a way to settle out of court. The shameless ask for a bribe went completely unchecked by the judge as they moved on to other witnesses.

The restaurant's security cameras were all conveniently broken. While the waiter said they did serve them that night and there wasn't anything suspicious about it, the host who Blitz had threatened wasn't as friendly and told blatant lies about what they had been talking about. Stolas had to physically grab onto Blitz once or twice to keep him from jumping out of his seat and launching himself at the restaurant host like an angry cat.

That's when Fizz was called up to the stand once again, this time wearing big boots.

"Please swear that the evidence that you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so damn you Lucifer?" The hellhound officer held out a goat skull as Therapist Robo Fizz placed his hand on top of it.

"Fuck." He said.

"Thank you. Now that you've sworn in, you may sit at the witness stand." The hellhound stepped away.

The robo fizz used his extendable arms and did a double back handspring into the chair.

"Show offs." The real fizz mumbled in the back, pouting.

" 'Sup." He leaned back and propped his legs up on the bar in front of him. The judge didn't bother correcting him, having already dealt with the real one.

"Mr. Fizz-" Andrealphus began.

"Please, call me Dr. Fizzie." He interrupted.

"You're not a doctor! I know that for a fact!" The real Fizz shouted.

"Could the peanut gallery pipe down? A real artist is on the stage now." The robo Fizz gave a casual shooing motion.

"You can't just call yourself a doctor, that's, like, fraud! You're not qualified!" Fizz shouted.

"You're not qualified to be fucking a sin!" The robot mocked.

"Woah, now." Asmodeus stood.

"Oops! Sorry, daddy." The robo Fizz rolled his eyes, "Didn't mean to upset you. It's such an honor to meet my maker."

"Enough of this." The judge struck his gavel, "Prosecution, please continue. And please call him Robo Fizz for the sake of clarity."

Therapist Fizzie pouted and sank in his chair, "Well, you can't get me to talk, anyway. Doctor patient con-fidelity or some shit."

"Even if that were a thing in hell, there is an exception for things like risk to royal safety." The judge said in monotone.

"Wait, it's not a thing in hell? Damnit! If it weren't for the risk of destruction, I could be making so much money on blackmail!" He remarked.

"Robo Fizz, if you would kindly cooperate-" Andrealphus started.

"No! But I will rudely cooperate. Hit me with your questions, bird face."

He let out a long sigh, "You are Stolas's therapist, is that correct?"

"Yeah, I'm his shoulder to whine on." He replied.

"And has he talked to you about any exchange of goods with Asmodeus?" Andrealphus paced.

"No . . . Well, yeah, but that wasn't for any sort of love potion." He admitted.

"Oh, really? What was it then? Holy weapons? Poison?"

"Chill out, it was just a dumb crystal."

"Oh? A crystal you say. Was it by chance an Asmodeus' crystal? The kind that opens up portals to the living world?" Andrealphus held back his grin.

"Well, he was getting it from Asmodeus so presumably it would be his crystal. Yeah, portals might have been mentioned. What about it?" Therapist Fizzie occupied himself with sharpening his metal fingernails.

Andrealphus turned to the room and stretched out his arms, "Ladies and gentlemen of the court, if not by use of holy weapons, there is another way, this aristocrat turned common thug could have been conspiring to kill his unholiness. For by heaven's decree, if Lucifer steps one foot into the living world, he will be executed on the spot. I present to you evidence," He gestured to a small imp who came up holding a comparatively huge box over his head. In it, lay a large orange crystal, "taken from within Stolas's office, an Asmodeus' crystal."

Some oohs and ahs seemed to come out of thin air.

"Yeah? So?" Therapist Fizz crossed his arms.

"According to Heaven vs Hell: a complete history Volume 567, and I quote 'Should Lucifer enter the mortal realm, but it a single toe or feather, he will be struck down instantly and God's will shall smite him, thus obliterating the wretched creature.' "

Blitz stood up, "Who the fuck knows obscure things like that?! No one would read that many books on boring history!"

"Um, Blitz . . ." Stolas smiled, his brows furrowed.

"Maybe an uneducated imp like you wouldn't know, but this is elementary education for Goetia." Andrealphus used his race like an insult.

Blitz leaped out of his chair and Stolas barely grabbed him by the tail, as he clawed at the air in Andrealphus's general direction.

"Objection, you're honor," the timid lawyer piped up, "I believe that they are moving the goalposts. The prosecution is changing what they are arguing as they go, just trying to pin something, anything, on my client-"

"Overruled. I don't know what school you went to, but under hell's law, there is nothing against such tactics." He turned to Andrealphus, "You may proceed."

"Thank you, your honor. As I was saying, their clear plan was to open a quick portal to the human realm, shove Lucifer through, causing his instant demise. Did you, Robo Fizz, deny knowledge of this plan?" Andrealphus grinned menacingly.

"I knew he had a crystal but the only plan I knew of was the one to give it to edge lord over there." He stuck his thumb towards Blitz, "Honest!"

"Very well, no further questions, your honor." He sat his rich feathered ass down.

The judge turned his attention towards the defense lawyer, "Ms. Durham, do you have any questions for the witness."

She began to sweat, and opened her mouth to speak.

"What more is there to say?!" Stella stood from she seat, "We have the weapon, a motive, and he was in the area. Case closed!"

"Stella, sit. Down." Andrealphus spoke through gritted beak.

Stolas's lawyer was visibly shaking, she looked between the witness, then Stolas, then Andrealphus who was still cocky, despite his sister's comment. She looked back towards Stolas again who was trying to be the calm one for him and Blitzø, but subtly balled his fists in fear. She swallowed the lump in her throat, looked to the judges stand, and made a break for it.

Author's Note:

Vik here! Hello! I'm alive! I know, it's surprising after it's been so long but I did in fact live to tell another tale.

I had this one part way done for awhile. I was focusing on the commission I got for a HuskerDust fic, which is almost done now. And I also couldn't figure out what to do next, and then my editor helped me figure it out, but then I was overwhelmed with moving into a college dorm, coping with new routines, trying to make friends, and studying for placement tests and stuff. But I wanted to get this out and made before the court scene of helluva boss comes out. I don't know what it will be about, but I want people to see the rules of my court before whatever the canonical court is shown. Obviously, the lore here is different from what was actually shown in Full Moon, regarding certain magical things, but this has been the plan for at least the past 10 chapters, so we're sticking with it.

Also, everyone needs to wish my dear editor a happy birthday! It was a couple weeks ago, she is officially ما لا نهاية years old. She has been helping me so much lately as my friend, confidant, and recently sponsored my healthcare. There is no one else in the world more deserving of affectionate internet comments from strangers than her.

I don't know how many chapters there are left of this story, but not many. Probably around 5 more to go, but we'll see. It does make you wonder though, if this story is done, and the commission is almost done, what's next? I might have a thing or two planned. For no reason in particular, leave a comment if you ship HuskerDust, RadioApple, or Chaggie the most, and whether you've seen Hazbin Hotel or plan to. I know, none of these are helluva boss ships, but given that they are in the same universe, and I'm hoping at least some of y'all would be interested in one or more of them.

(Please note, while I love Lucifer x Alastor's dynamic, I do not want their ship to be canonical. I love Alastor as an asexual character, and hopefully aroace. I basically love every popular ship Alastor has just because I love seeing his character because of and in spite of the fact that it wouldn't actually happen makes it even better. Don't ask me why, that's just how my brain works.)

Oh and HAPPY LATE PRIDE! Hell's most colorful ring 🌈

Okay, now I'm going to do some shameless self-promotion. (Minors who shouldn't be reading this in the first place, begone!)

Do you like SMUT? Do you like spicy scenes? Do you like Lemons🍋? Do you like your favorite character going to your favorite ship, choking on that ******, ****** their ***** then lick all of their ****** before taking out their ******* until they're screaming like a fucking baby? (That last part was a Helluva Boss pilot reference) Then you'll like my side account only available on Ao3 (Archive of our own)! There are a couple of smut one-shots up there already, including 1 Blitzø x Stolas smut scene! These stories are not for minors to read. If you are a minor, please DO NOT go visit. Please respect this boundary I'm setting as it would make me feel uncomfortable. But if you're an adult and are feeling saucy, click the link!

/users/Basilisk_513/works