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The following morning, the Rivers' sisters ate breakfast with Jane, Edward, and Adele before retiring to their room to finish packing. Jane was sad to see them go, for she loved seeing them. Being the only family she had ever known had not yet lost its appeal. She had to admit though, there was a comfort in having her house to herself again. The girls went to bed much earlier than Jane and Edward normally did, and proper custom dictated that this meant they also had to retire when the girls did. The girls were also more particular eaters than Jane and her husband, so some normal meals they enjoyed together had been put on hold for the present. But, all in all, their company was wonderful, and her complaints were few and small.
Because the servants had by that time all returned, it was a much smoother process getting all the trunks down to the carriage. Edward had to complete the task on his own when the girls had initially arrived, and although he did not complain, Jane (to her great amusement) could see him rubbing his back all afternoon.
Adele had a teary scene as Diana and Mary hugged her goodbye. Adele had become close to the girls, especially Mary, and their constant company,along with the constant promise of someone to listen to her stories, was something she would surely miss. But the promise that they would be back very soon was a comfort to Adele, and she stiffed her tears back with the promise she could be the flower girl at Diana's wedding.
Diana and Mary turned on Jane, both hugging her tightly.
"Thank you for everything"
"You don't need to thank me, it was absolutely wonderful to have you here" Jane said, honestly. "You are not the most high maintenance guests in the world to entertain, and above all you are family. We shall see you very soon".
They beamed brightly before Edward moved towards them.
"Ladies, I hope you will not stay away too long"
"We could not! We need to hear you play the piano again sometime soon"
He bowed his head to them, smiling.
"Your wish is my command".
The carriage doors were opened for them, and they entered . Edward put his arm around Jane's waist as the carriage pulled away, both parties waving until the carriage was long out of sight.
"Well, I have done my fair share of entertaining for a long time" Edward said as they turned to walk back into their house.
"Why is that?"
"I'm not sure I'm naturally cut out for it. I like seeing the Ms Rivers' of course. But by the end of it, I find I am drained, as I am no natural entertainer"
"Edward Rochester? Not an natural entertainer? Tell me again how you managed to house Ms Ingram in your house for over a month then?"
He shot her a disapproving look.
"You know very well why I put up with that party for over a month"
"Now that I know you even better, I find myself to be even more flattered that it was all for me"
He rolled his eyes,
"Yes, yes. You can take that small victory if you must".
Jane smiled. She watched Adele jump the steps leading to the house one by one with both feet. It was surprisingly child-like, despite how much she had grown up during her time at school.
"Edward, we must start looking for a school for her. We cannot prolong how much time she spends here, for I think the longer she stays, the harder it will be to go when the time comes".
"I know" he said, softly. There was a pause before he looked to his wife. "Do you wish her to stay here?"
"I loved teaching Adele, I loved being her governess, and I miss being a governess in ways. But I am not that girl anymore- now I am a wife. Adele deserves the chance to go to a good school, and have that positive experience for herself. She should make friends, enjoy being with just other girls for a while. There is a lifetime ahead of her for everything else she wants".
He nodded, "I agree. It will only do her good, and she will thank us for it one day".
But he paused, his tone unsettled.
"You don't regret that in marrying me, you have given up being a governess, do you Jane? I would understand if you did. When we were first married I know my blindness was the reason you could justify not teaching anymore. I was too much of a burden, and I depended on you for everything. Now, however, that impediment is not there anymore, and I wonder if you regret losing your occupation".
She rubbed his arm which he held as they walked.
"I could never regret anything that gives me more time to be with you. I want my only obligation to be to you, and our family. I love being your wife more than anything else in the world I could possibly do, more than I loved being a governess. Besides Edward Rochester, you still need me, blind or not".
He pressed his lips to her temple briefly and breathed to her softly, "Being your husband has been the greatest honour of my life".
She turned to smile at him and he kissed her forehead slowly, his lips a cheering warmth amid the cold winter scene.
"Come. You should not be out in the cold so long, you will get a chill"
They walked through the threshold together.
. . . . . . .
Over the following weeks that stretched into months, things remained very happy in the Rochester household.
Jane and Edward did eventually find a school for Adele. It was not acclaimed academically to the extent that the other school was, but it was very respectable, close by, and wonderfully warm and inviting. Jane meet with the headmistress and explained Adele's previous situation, to which the headmistress was very sympathetic. She explained to Jane that Adele's situation was not uncommon, in fact it was much of what made up the population at the school. She assured Jane that she could stop by whenever she liked, without warning, on the weekends when the girls had reduced classes. This made Jane feel very hopeful, and although she left Adele looking slightly watery-eyed, she felt sure that new friends would remedy her loneliness very soon. Edward was not allowed to come given it was an all-girls school, but he waited eagerly at home to hear and was equally happy as Jane to find the very different environment of her new school. Indeed, Adele wrote within a few days to say how wonderful everyone was, how good the food was (though not as good as home), and how she looked forward to seeing Jane and Mr Rochester again soon.
Jane's mood swings did not improve, however. Her uncontrolled bouts of sadness, anger, frustration and guilt pulled at her most days. Edwards patience did not waver with her, but he was worried it was having an emotional toll on her. When Jane had a bad day, mostly she sat and read, trying to remain as quiet as possible as not to take out her emotions on anyone else. When she did go to the doctors, however, and her greatest joy was truly confirmed, she was elated. The doctor reassured her these mood swings were merely a result of her pregnancy, and that women often went into hysterical behaviour as a result of becoming pregnant. Jane found this language to be a little extreme, but felt comforted all the same. Nothing could mar her or her husbands happiness that day, or the days that followed.
Jane tried not to feel nervous or on edge regarding this pregnancy, but it was not until she passed the four month marker of when she had lost her first child that she felt she could take a breath of relief. She knew this was no guarantee she would carry until term, but somehow it felt better. She felt lighter. She woke every morning with a smile on her face, and every morning she was reminded how lucky she was to look after the baby which grew inside her. Jane was humbled every time she looked upon her husband. She knew that he had always wanted to be a father, but had resigned himself to never become one given the situation he found himself to be in in life. Her husbands happiness and involvement in her pregnancy was not typical for men of his background or situation. She knew the fact he did not care whether it was a girl or boy was not typical, and she knew that the great amount of love within him was not typical. When they lay in bed, the sight of him kissing the bump of her stomach and caressing his unborn baby was enough to bring Jane to tears. He was an impossible mix of masculine energy, protection, and love.
At 6 months, Jane was larger than most pregnant women because of how small she was- even her fullest dress did not come close to covering the baby. But this did not matter, she had no desire to keep her pregnancy private anymore. She and Edward had had the wonderful time together, where they were the only two in the world who knew of their baby, and after moving past the point of her previous miscarriage, Jane was excited to share the news. Diana and Mary had been overwrought with joy, perhaps because they understood how much pain Jane's first pregnancy had left her in. The Eshton's were shocked at the announcement, but elated for them all the same. Adele had written them back with such quick scribbles of happiness that they could barely make out her words. Jane was congratulated by strangers in town, and those she meet passing on the road. It seemed everyone welcomed new life with an equal enthusiasm.
All in all, Jane was happier than she had been in her whole life.
. . . .
One day in early March, Jane found herself alone at home. Edward had left very early in the morning to deal with some business in town. He had gotten out of bed that morning disgruntled, claiming, as he moved around the room, that the earlier he left the sooner he would return home. But by the way he had forgotten to kiss her goodbye, Jane knew that he suspected he would be gone for most of the day.
She had been trying her hand at improving her drawing skills. It was something she had neglected over the past while, but something she felt was important to start up again. She placed a vase of flowers before her on a table, pulling her knees up to her chest and balancing the drawing pad on her legs. Eventually though, after hours of patient and concentrated work, her eyes tired and her head fuzzy with prolonged concentration, she stepped away from it and moved to the window.
Snow had lasted for all of the winter in England, and the fresh snow that had fallen the night before covered the earth outside, still undisturbed. Still, it was rather dull out, in spite of the fresh snow, for the sky was grey and dim. Jane could hear the wind whipping against the house, and howling overhead.
There was a knock at the library door and Jane turned away from the view to see John step into the room.
"Pardon me madam. There is a Captain Franklin here to see you. Should I let him in?".
"Of course. Send him in please, John"
The door opened a minute later to reveal the Captain, once again in his regimentals and looking quite windswept.
"Hello Ms Rochester. I hope you do not think my sudden visit is rude, but I was in the neighbourhood and thought I may call on you"
"Of course your visit is not rude, it is very welcome. I find myself alone today, and the company is much needed. Please, sit"
He bowed to her before taking the seat across from her.
"I hope that you are doing well, and the baby too. You look very well"
"Thank you, I am"
"You must be very excited now"
"I am so thankful, and so happy. If it was not for none of my dresses fitting, I would have a hard time believing it to be true"
The Captain smiled brightly,
"I dare say. And where is Mr Rochester today?"
"He is in town on business. He left quite early this morning, but I do not expect to see him today for quite a while"
"I am sure he is thrilled to be tied up with business all day"
"Ah, so you understand the joys of business as well"
"Not to the extent your husband does, I am sure".
"Well, nor do I. But the look on his face this morning was telling enough"
The Captain laughed, and Jane continued.
"He will be sorry to have missed you today"
"Well actually, in fact, it is you I have come to see today".
Jane looked at him quizzically, and he nodded.
"Yes indeed. I have a purpose in being here. Diana told me that my confidences would be safe with you, because you are non-judgemental and kind. Though I could have deduced that for myself."
"Thank you, that is very flattering. But would you not rather confide in your fiancee?"
"Here you have reached my hitch. My confidences are connected to Diana- certain things that weigh heavily on my conscious before I do wed"
Jane nodded, "Of course. Well Captain, I will hear whatever it is you want me to hear"
"Diana is the most wonderful woman I have ever meet. She is perfect for me, in every way. But you see, she is not the only woman I have ever meet, and, if I am being frank with you, she will not be the only woman I have lain with in my life"
His face burned a bright red as he spoke. Jane could tell that this new vulnerability cut at him like a knife, that he had to build up much courage to say such words to her. She waited for him to speak again, but his courage seemed to falter, so she intervened.
"Captain, I am sure that Diana told you of myself and Edwards unconventional union?"
"She did"
"Then you will know that when I agreed to marry my husband I knew he had been with other women. I agreed to the marriage not because this did not matter to me, but because he was honest with me, and never tried to hide that particular truth. I knew that if he was honest in telling me something difficult to confess, I could trust him. If I had not known going into the marriage, if that had been kept a secret, I cannot say I would have forgiven him, or ever felt the same about him".
"You are telling me I must be honest with her"
"I am advising that you do. Marriage forgives more than people think it does, so long as honesty and truth is at the centre of it all. Without trust, you will be so unhappy"
He nodded, seeming to understand her sentiment. He sighed as he looked up at her.
"You must think me a brute, and ungentlemanly. In truth, have not been with many women. In fact, there has only been two. One was when I was very young, I hardly knew what I was feeling before I was with that young lady. The other was some time ago now, but still in the near enough past for me not to blame it on youth. I had been at sea for months, only among men, and I sought a woman's care and company. Well, I did receive it, but it meant nothing and left me feeling empty. They never meant anything to me. I am only sorry that I cannot be the way I ought to be for Diana".
Jane looked kindly at him,
"We all live with mistakes we have made. But we do not have to live with the regret of those mistakes. Be honest with her. Implore her good nature. Be straightforward. Women are often wrongfully kept in the dark by their husbands, but in something as intimate as this, it would be especially unfair".
There was silence for quite a long time, but Jane felt that he needed the time to reflect and internalise, so she did not interrupt it. Eventually he looked at her again, and she could see the thoughts running in his mind on his face. When he spoke, his voice was as honest as she had ever heard it.
"How did you know to trust him again? After he lead you to believe that he was unmarried?"
Jane felt a small pit in her stomach. It was odd. When she thought about it, no one had asked her that question besides her husband- not even Diana, Mary or Anne. She had always assumed they had understood, or at the very least trusted her judgement until they meet Edward and understood the truth. It was a natural question to ask- one that must draw a natural curiosity from people who knew the story. From the outside, Jane's task of trusting him again must have seemed an impossible one.
She was so long in answering that the Captain looked quite nervous.
"Forgive me, Ms Rochester. I did not mean to ask an impetuous question. I know why you trusted him, I know he is an excellent man who was taken advantage of as a youth-"
"No, your question was not impetuous" Jane assured, "I have just never been asked it"
The Captain look a small breath of relief as Jane spoke again.
"I never lost my trust of him. I knew why he had lied to me, I knew that it came from a place of hurt and grief. He did a very wrong thing, but it was in the attempt to gain an honest, and pure love. His nature was made for that very kind of love, but it was forever denied him in his being taken advantage of. In spite of what he had done wrong, much wrong had been done to him. God knows he spent his time repenting. I left him because I knew that I would never stop loving him, and thus if I stayed I would be sacrificing the respect I had for myself. I left for myself, not to further punish him".
"You speak remarkably" Captain Franklin said, moving his hat in his hands absentmindedly, "You speak as if the pain he caused you is secondary to the pain you inflicted upon him in leaving"
Jane smiled a little sadly, "Knowing you have done something wrong that has cost you the chance of happiness forever is a horrible burden to bare"
The Captain looked down and chuckled briefly as he shook his head.
"Indeed, you are right. I do not want to bare that burden myself"
He looked back up at her curiously,
"You would have made a good sea Captain"
"I can assure you that your statement is quite wrong. I could never look up from being sick long enough to command anyone"
"Captains need to be honest" he laughed, "And the best are quiet leaders, even if they do get seasick".
. . . . .
As Jane suspected, Edward did not return for dinner, nor even after that. The evening passed into night without any word, and so Jane got into bed. She tried to stay awake, but she was recently so tired that as soon as she got into bed, she fell sound asleep.
The next thing she knew, she was woken by a soft kiss planted on her forehead. Her eyes fluttered opened to look upon a smiling Edward, who bent down and pressed his lips gently to his wife's.
"Hello sweetheart" he said, warmly.
"Hello" replied Jane, a little dazed with sleep, "What time is it?"
"It is very late. Nearly one"
"Have you just gotten home?"
"Yes, I'm afraid we had a problem with one of the horses. I am so sorry I did not get to eat with you, or wish you goodnight"
Jane's hand moved to his face, and she stoked his cheek with her thumb.
"You did not kiss me goodbye this morning, and you did not kiss me goodnight either. You have put out my whole day"
He learned over her, trying to make amends, but she moved her mouth away from his.
"I will say, I thought of only you when I rode in the carriage both there and back"
"I am sure you did. Only me"
"Indeed. Well, I thought of what I was going to do to you when I got home"
"Oh is that so?" Jane asked as he climbed above her.
"Yes, and what you were going to look like, and sound like, and feel like"
He moved over Jane slowly, and this time she did not make an effort to move her lips away from his. He moved her down into the bed with his lips, pressing needily into her. His lips moved to her jaw, her collarbone and neck as she sighed heavily, arousal flooding her senses. Jane wrapped her arms around his neck as the kiss deepened and her breath hitched in her throat. He smiled at his accomplishment and pulled back.
"I imagined kissing you like this for a long while, and listening to the little gasping, pleading noises you make"
"I do not make gasping noises, nor pleading ones" Jane protested, smiling.
"You do indeed. But then-" he said, flipping back the blankets and turning them over so that Jane lay on top of him.
"I would move us like this so that you were lying the length of me, and I could feel your body stretched out over mine. I would have perfect access to feeling your bum, which I would do, good and proper".
Jane chuckled as he did so, pushing her palms into the bed and exhaling heavily.
"And then I suspect that your hips would make the small circular motions they are making now, and if you really wanted to encourage me, you could moan in the way that drives me to the brink of insanity"
Jane moaned playfully, chuckling slightly, and subsequently felt the result of it. His hot mouth moved over hers again, and she deepened the small circular motions of her hips.
"No distracting me Jane"
"I do not know what you could be talking about" she said, innocently.
As he looked at her, a smile still etched into his face, something changed. His face fell into a serious, questioning expression. Pure love penetrated his eyes with such force that Jane was momentarily taken aback.
"Then" he continued softly, his tone shifting also into seriousness, "I would tell you that your slip is in the way, and I would remove it like so. Then, I could observe your full body in complete honesty, and fall in love all over again with every inch of you".
Jane pulled herself into a seated position so that she straddled her husband, his hands moving onto her round stomach. New dark marks on Jane's stomach had formed recently, and had become a slight source of insecurity for her. She had reminded herself how silly it was to feel insecure, because of what they represented, but still sometimes she looked upon them and worried that her husband would find them unattractive. Tonight her marks just seemed darker and deeper than normal. But Edward's finger traced the lines of the scars and he kissed each with great tenderness.
"You must be the most beautiful woman in the world"
Jane pulled up his face to meet her lips, forcing him back into the pillows. He groaned deeply as he held Jane close to him. Jane's hands fumbled with the buttons on his night shirt, and he aided her in pulling it over his head. Jane was always slightly taken aback with the sight of him. He truly was truly the most handsome man she had ever seen. Jane's fingers traced the scar on his forehead, his neck, and down to his shoulder. He watched as she pressed her lips to his shoulder tenderly,laying her cheek against him. He slowly pulled her face close by her chin and kissed her. Once again he turned them so that he was on top of her, his skilful lips leaving her heady and breathless.
"Then" Edward spoke lowly, "I would make love to you".
He mounted himself over her and moved inside of her in one easy motion. She moaned deeply as the desperate need that had consumed her head and heart was filled. Her husband began to rock gently, watching her intently as her breaths became laboured and strained.
"I would wait until you told me to be slow or fast, or gentle or rough. I would wait to hear your cries, and your pleads, and I would try to tell you how much I love you, or what you mean to me, but-"
His thoughts were cut off by his own sharp breath and low groan of pleasure. Jane smiled briefly before her face contorted in frustrated need. His slow and steady pace was agony. She wrapped her legs around his waist and clung closely to him. He smelled so good, he felt so good.
"Shh" Jane soothed, "Shh"
She felt the pressure building inside her head, she felt her stomach expand painfully, she was so close.
And at once it all washed over her in a moment of unimaginable pleasure. Waves of sensation pulsed through her tired, weak body as she tried to remain strong for her husband, who released moments after her. She felt his body tense before releasing, and the sound of his voice ringing out was absolutely the most perfect found in the world to her. He lovingly pressed his lips to her neck, and her jaw as she tried to steady her breathing. He too was out of breath, a light sheen of sweat covering his body. Jane smiled at him as he kissed her forehead, his face breaking into a radiant smile.
Jane closed her eyes as she felt him press his lips slowly to her cheek. She sighed heavily, turning to look at Edward intently. She felt lightheaded and weightless.
"I love you" she promised him, taking his hand and kissing it sweetly.
"Tell me" he implored, settling back into the bed so that she could lay in his arms.
"What is it I must tell you"
"How much you love me"
Jane drew him close for a kiss before answering, running her fingers over his hip.
"I cannot. It would be impossible. I could not tell you the first time we lay like this, which means I certainly couldn't now".
He smiled happily, looking up at the ceiling and closing his eyes. There was extended silence until Edward turned onto his stomach so that he faced Jane, who propped her back against pillows.
"Then you must tell me of your day" he said, "Every boring detail, every unimportant thought. Something felt off as I got ready for bed, knowing that I did not know what your day was like"
"I must say, I felt quite well getting into bed and falling asleep without knowing how your day was" Jane teased, "Finances, estate property lines, and wages. All fearfully exciting"
"Ah, I see now. What a bore I must be to you. How kind you are for putting up with me".
"I am a saint" Jane confirmed, but she paused. "How were your meetings?"
"They were dull, but the work was well done. You know I would rather be home with you"
"Yes, but you are not just a husband, you are a master to many people on this estate"
"Including you?"
"So long as I remain yours, then yes"
He chucked, and ran his fingers through her messy curls.
"Today I looked for a solution for John, and Leah. And I think I may have found one. There is a small house on the edge of the estate, which has been abandoned for many years. The previous owner kept a vicar there, for the church that had a congregation here at one time. The church has since burned down, and no attempt was made to rebuild it. Still, the vicars hours stands. I thought I may offer it to them, as a sort of retirement home. I doubt John will take it as a gift for free, and nor do I think Leah would be happy accepting it, but perhaps if I can offer him some job on that end of the estate which is not really a job, but would occupy him, he will accept then".
"It seems like the perfect solution, almost like it was meant to be"
"Let us keep our fingers crossed that it will be. Now" he said, kissing Jane's stomach and between her breasts before looking at her, "What of your day?"
"Captain Franklin was by today"
"Oh really?"
"He came by because he had questions about marriage"
"You are very cryptic. What kind of questions?"
"Well, not really questions. He wanted advice regarding what to tell Diana, or not tell her,before they are to be married"
"I have an answer to that" Edward said, passively disgruntled.
"I told him that to know the truth is always better than believing a lie. At first he did not seem to like this very much, but I think he listened, and I hope he will take my advice"
"Why is it that he sought you for advice?"
"Because I am a married woman. Also, I think because he knowsour history, and perhaps believed I may have been more forgiving of the truth that he wanted to keep to himself"
"Which was?"
"He is not a virgin"
Edward looked from Jane to the fire, sighing.
"Of course if he knew our past he would come to you for advice on whether a wife would want to know if her husband was a virgin or not" he said, angrily. Jane ran her fingers calmly along his back so that he drew his gaze back to her.
"I know that you don't like all your choices of the past, but you cannot let them haunt you forever. We are married now, we have a child on the way. This does not matter anymore, or at least I will not let it matter if it costs us our happiness. Besides, as he will be family soon he has a right to know"
"So you believe in telling family every private detail of our lives?" he shot at her,
"No, I believe the opposite. But I also believe that when someone confides a difficult truth in you, one can afford to be trusting of them in return. Especially if you can help in being honest"
"So not every detail of our lives is known to our family and friends" he asked, gruffly.
"No. In fact, Anne asked me the other day if our relationship was suffering-"
"Why would she ask you a thing like that!"
Jane stifled a smile.
"Because, she assumed that since I am now pregnant we have not been intimate with each other since our child's conception"
"Good God, the things women ask each other. And what was your reply to this ghastly question!"
"That I was baring it as well as I possibly could" Jane said, grinning, leaning forward and pressing her lips to her husbands teasingly. As she pulled back from him, his face stretched into a questioning look.
"Does she tell you of her own intimate life, as you put it?"
"Oh yes, often"
"And do you tell her anything of ours in return?"
"Never"
"Why? If she confides such in you"
"It is private to me, and special. I do not want anyone else to know"
Edward shook his head, "Indeed. Well, I cannot say I am complaining about that".
Jane shrugged, "Well, besides, the more I talk to women, the more unique I find our situation. To many women, being intimate is simply about duty- doing what you must for your husband and enduring it as best you can. I think if I spoke honestly about what we have, what I feel when I am with you, I would make the other women feel cold and distant from their husbands when such is not the case, or at least if it is the case, it is not their faults".
Edward looked intently at her.
"I know I am not supposed to take pride in such words, but is it wrong if I do?"
Jane pulled him to her so that she could cuddle into his chest. She was tired, and after having been roused from sleep, she was feeling drowsy all over again.
"Well take pride in the fact that you woke your wife up to make love to her and she did not fall asleep during it. I am so tired these days."
Edward laughed heartily with Jane, kissing her temple.
"I did not wake you up with the intention to make love to you. I just wanted to hear your voice" he said, genuinely.
Jane smiled against him,
"Right, of course".
He grabbed the blankets up from the bottom of the bed, and located Jane's disposed nightshirt from nearby.
"Darling, its too cold to sleep without this" he said, but she was already sound asleep. Edward smiled to himself as he covered her in her own blanket before pulling the rest of the blankets from the bed over her. How perfect she was, he thought.
Within seconds, he too was asleep.