Quite some time later, Jane found herself laying in her husbands arms listening to the rhythmic sound of Edward's steady, deep breathing.

He had fallen asleep, as Jane knew he would, not even a minute after he had laid down beside her. Lately, he had not been sleeping as soundly as he normally did, no doubt feeling more stressed than normal with the new upcoming changes in his life. Jane knew how often he thought about becoming a father. And she knew how much he wanted to do the child right in his actions. Such matters weighted on his heart, and many times during a night Jane woke to find her husband laying awake, smiling quickly at her and telling her to go back to sleep.

But now it was he who slept, and Jane who lay awake watching him. The sun was now setting. The low hanging light which poured through the window fell onto Edwards face and bathed him in an orange glow. Every feature became illuminated on his face, and Jane thought she could spend hours here, observing each one. She did not know whether it was due to her pregnancy, or due to her heightened emotions, or if it was just fear, but lately Jane found that her mind drifted to horrific situations where she was left alone, and Edward was somehow gone. She had been forced to mull over in her mind what she would do without him. Could she go on without him? She would have to, they had a child on the way. Would she want to go on without him? No. The very thought of it made her stomach turn violently every time at a sickening speed. She had to remind herself how silly she was being, that he was here, and she was in his arms, and all was right in the world.

Jane propped herself up on her arm and let her free hand trail across her husbands chest. It was amazing how comfortable she was with him, how free she felt to ask anything of him, or do anything with him. She felt like she knew this body as well as she knew her own, every freckle on his arm, every hair on his head, every line on his face. She moved over him and pressed her lips to his stomach, his chest, his collarbone, his neck and finally jaw. He stirred slightly, but was soon settled again. Jane grinned- indeed he must be tired.

She ran her thumb over his lips gently and pressed her lips softly to his. His eyes flickered opened and Jane kissed his cheek sweetly.

"Oh God, did I fall asleep?"

"Yes" Jane replied smiling.

"For how long?"

"Oh, hours. Hours and Hours"

He sat up quickly to look out the window and shook his head, laying back down and pulling Jane close to him.

"Very funny" he mumbled, closing his eyes and exhaling contentedly.

"I thought so" Jane mused, feeling a sharp pain in her side. She reached for her husbands arm which was wrapped around her shoulder and moved it underneath her so that it cushioned her from the bed. Edward turned and looked at her wearily.

"Are you alright darling?"

"Mm, very. Just a little sore is all"

He pressed his soft lips to Jane's temple and held her there in a warm embrace. She liked this best of all- being held like this; being made to feel that she was loved in this way.

"You tired me out, you temptress" he accused, "I only fell asleep because you gave me a thorough run for my money"

"You sound surprised, as if I could not do that to you at all times"

He laughed, shaking his head.

"You are right. God knows you have kept up your end of our marriage bargain without any help"

"Without much help", she corrected.

He sighed, resting his chin on the top of Jane's head and looking towards the opened window.

"Jane, you have no idea how much I love you"

"But I do. I imagine it is similar to the way I love you"

He shook his head, "You taught me to love again. You broke down walls I had built up for myself for fear of being hurt. You taught me to be vulnerable again by trusting me with your whole heart. That requires a different kind of love".

"I do not know why you insist on drawing comparisons" Jane said, pulling back from him to look into his face. "What good can come of trying to win a competition of who loves who more?"

He smiled down at her.

"Its not about winning a competition for me. I just wish you could know".

Jane went to respond, but again felt a sharp pine spike through her spine. She winced, and Edward sat up, eyeing her unhappily.

"Should I call the doctor, love? This is not normal for even you, all these aches and pains all the time-"

"No" she said quickly, "No, do not drag the doctor out here for no reason. I am well"

"Jane, you cannot possibly know that" he argued

"But I do know. I know my own body. This baby has just been inside of me for so long that my body is tired. I walked a lot today, that probably did it"

This did not comfort Edward, who looked as upset as ever.

"Do you really wish to help me?"

"Of course I do"

"Then..." Jane began, climbing ungracefully over her husband and sitting on his lap, legs extended forward. The soft cushioning of his body felt better than laying on the bed. She rested her head back on his shoulder and sighed deeply. Edward pulled her hair away from her face and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek.

"Am I too heavy?" she asked, slightly embarrassed. Edward shook his head, his voice filled with a mixture of amusement and disbelief.

"No my love".

"That is much better then" she said, putting her feet over her husband's.

"My, Jane Rochester. You are indeed impossible to please, aren't you?"

"I do my best".

Silence passed between them for quite some time, and Jane was content just feeling more comfortable then she had in a very long while. Edward smoothed her hair, consumed in his own thoughts. Somewhere far off, Jane heard a bird flying, calling out as it soared through the sky. She felt in that moment that if her heart was trying to send her a message, it was this one.

"I'm sorry" Edward said suddenly.

"I would turn to look at you in a questioning way, but I am far too comfortable"

He exhaled a sad smile and continued.

"For making love to you. It should have been enough that you said you were uncomfortable. I was selfish, I wanted you so much that I did not care what the cost was. That is not how one can act in marriage"

Jane ran her hands over the ones that wrapped around her waist and brought them to her lips.

"I appreciate your apology, but I do not need it. You did not force me into anything. You encouraged me to do something that made me feel infinitely better, even if it was selfishly motivated" she added, smiling. '"I would rather have you answer a question for me then hear you apologise"

"Then I am all ears"

"What is it like to be intimate with someone that you do not love?"

Edward was no longer ashamed of answering such questions, and Jane was grateful for it. She had many questions, and always liked hearing her husband talk of his feeling and thoughts, no matter what they were.

"It feels good, when the act is happening because you are doing it out of a desperate need which needs to be fulfilled. The act itself however is impersonal, often rushed, often wild and rough. To some men that may sound like a good deal, but it is utterly meaningless- worse than meaningless. It is numbing. I remember laying there afterwards, many times, positively despising myself for the beast I was. I did not know the difference yet, I did not know what could pass between people. Being intimate with someone that you do not love, when you know the difference, must be positively unbearable".

"Not even if the woman was very beautiful, or very skilled?"

"No" he shook his head. "That idea of love fuelled by only beauty and skill, as you put it, is for a much younger and far more immature man. One comes to learn that the only thing that matters is the person you are with. Everything else falls into place when you have found the right person. If you loved in that shallow way, you could never feel the love of which humans were made for, and serves them right for being so selfish".

"It must be strange, lying in a strange bed with a strange person"

"I wouldn't know" Edward replied, "I never stayed around to sleep"

"Why?" Jane asked, "Surely if you could be intimate with them, you could sleep beside them for a night"

Edward shook his head.

"There are some things that are far more intimate than just being with someone when you are simply torn with need, Jane"

Jane relaxed back again, thinking.

"I never thought of it that way"

"It is the truth" he said, frankly. "I have never known what it is like to actually sleep with a woman, not until you, that is"

"Really?" Jane asked in disbelief

"Never a night in my life" he replied, grinning. "But why all these questions? Are you planning on finding out the answers for yourself?"

Jane shook her head, bringing his arms more tightly around her.

"No, that is why I have to love vicariously through you"

"Well" he said, shifting his weight, "I wish I could not provide you with so much worldly wisdom on this particular subject, but, here we are".

Jane turned around to face her husband, hand on his chest.

"I am glad that you can, I am glad that you have experienced all that you have. It has made you you. And I am in love with the person you are now- madly, deeply in love. Who is to say you wouldn't have been some obedient, starched white shirt wearing, nobleman who married a wealthy woman who was very beautiful instead of a stubborn, passionate, nobleman who married his poor, plain, governess out of sheer love".

He was all radiance and light as he kissed her lips slowly, and then deeply, and then with so much passion that it made Jane's head spin. He put his hand in the small of her back to draw her nearer.

"I think I would have always been stubborn" he teased, kissing her again.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The days pressed on, and Jane felt more unwell then she ever did.

She started to wake up sick again in the mornings, something she had not experienced for a very long time. Her whole body ached with pain, and sometimes even the slightest action of shifting her weight in a chair was uncomfortable. She had very little appetite and so she had very little energy to do anything. The only thing she could continually eat that did not turn her stomach was bread, and tea. Edward made a point to always have some on reserve for her, but she almost never wanted it when he asked.

She was trying desperately hard to maintain a positive outlook, and was trying desperately to not complain every minute of the day. Getting baths helped her, which she did frequently these days, but it was a lot of work for the servants to carry up the boiled water to the tub (despite them suggesting otherwise) so Jane contented herself mostly with lying in bed, trying to read but also giving herself a headache when she read for too long.

Jane felt endlessly frustrated, a mix of feeling guilty for being angry at her unborn child for things it could not help, and emotionally wrought in knowing that she was having such a difficult pregnancy when other women seemed to have a much easier time of it. Edward took to doing his financial paperwork and estate work in their bedroom, so he could be close to his wife if she needed him. When Jane had pointed out that there was no need to do such, that servants were in their household who were more than willing to oblige, he reminded her that he had promised her in sickness she would have no nursemaid but him. In truth, having him there was a comfort, even without them speaking, even without him glancing her way. It was a comfort to know he was present.

Jane read letters from Diana, which were surprisingly substantial in number. For a woman on her honeymoon, she seemed to have much time to write not only letters, but long and detailed letters. Jane could not deduce much from the letters either beneath the physical words she stated. Nothing pointed to her exceptional happiness, or nothing pointed to disappointment. She seemed like the old Diana, settled back into practicality and interested in the smooth running of everyday life. This made Jane smile; she should have suspected that her dear cousin would not carry the honeymoon glow for long.

Anne Eshton also visited, and Jane expected her to be ready to discuss her pregnancy at length with great excitement. She had been looking forward to have something more positive to speak of rather then dwell on her own problems. But Anne was a little quieter than normal, a little more reserved, and far more interested in how Jane was then talking about herself.

Anne sat in a chair beside Jane, filling her in on general questions about the town that Jane may have had as there was a knock at the door.

"Come in" Jane called.

Leah saddled inside with a tray laid with tea, biscuits, cookies, and to Jane's great amusement, bread. She made a mental note to thank Edward later for the thoughtfulness.

"Ah, thank you very much Leah. I really appreciate it" Jane said, taking the tray and laying it in her lap.

"And how is the Miss feeling today?" Leah asked, straightening Jane's bed covers.

"Today is better then yesterday, thank you. I think your constant supply of tea helped greatly"

"If it is all I can do to help, Madam, I intend to do it well"

"I am in your complete debt" Jane promised, handing Anne her own cup of tea.

"Hello Ms Eshton" Leah said, pleasantly, "Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Absolutely nothing, this is perfect. Thank you"

Leah bowed her head before retreating from the room. Anne spun around to smile at Jane.

"How is it that you have the kindest servants in service in this house?"

Jane smiled, "Leah is exceptionally kind, she always has been, to me. Leah and John were Edward's only servants when he lived alone for a brief time. I believe their affection for me stems from their loyalty to him, for they saw his increased happiness upon my return"

"Increased happiness" Anne mused, "I am sure you are greatly downplaying your husbands reaction. Thank you, by the way, for the tea. I can see that he has established himself over here" Anne said, gesturing to the corner of the room where he had made a table his temporary desk.

"He does not know how to help, because he cannot do anything to make me feel physically better. So, he sits there hoping to be avaliable if I need anything-"

"Which you never do, I am sure"

Jane smiled, "No, not often. But having him there makes me feel better, like I have a support"

"Well" said Anne, smiling "That is all that matters. Your comfort and support. Hopefully soon this little baby will come into the world and you will be free of all this discomfort"

"Speaking of" Jane began, sitting up further and straightening the pillows behind her, "How are you in your own pregnancy?"

Anne's face drained of all colour and furiously she bit back the emotion threatening to come crashing to her surface.

"I am no longer pregnant, Jane. I lost the baby"

Jane's heart plummeted somewhere deep in the depths of her stomach.

"Oh Anne, I am so- I never would have said if I- but I did not know-"

"I know you didn't" Anne said, closing her eyes and looking down, "I'm sorry. I should have told you right away, I just couldn't face the prospect of doing so"

"Anne, feel no guilt for me because you did not tell me. That does not matter. But you have been suffering alone, I can see that. Do you forget that I too lost a child? I know what it feels like, I know how consuming the emotions of loss are. You did not need to protect me from the weight of it"

"Oh Jane!" Anne burst, "Jane, I have never felt worse in the whole of my life. I have had so many thoughts and emotions spinning around in my head and I do not know what to do with them. I feel so ashamed, and so worthless, and like I have failed in the one thing it is my duty to do".

Jane felt tears that mirrored her friends' rise to her eyes. She nodded slowly, wiping away a singular tear. When she spoke, her voice was surprisingly strong, but soft.

"I know" she assured her, "I know what all those things feel like"

"But you do not know what it is like to go through it alone" Anne added, "When I told my husband he was clearly disappointed. It took me so long to conceive a child in the first place that we thought we may never have children. When I lost my baby he held me, and told me everything would be well again soon, but that has been the last we spoke of it. I lay in bed every night, trying to make sense of what I feel, knowing I have a husband beside me who I cannot wake up in order to talk about it. I am dejected, and I am tired. I wish desperately that I could turn back time and save my baby, I wish there was something I could do to get it back. I think of hardly anything else in the day"

Jane suddenly feeling painfully aware of her large and awkward stomach that got in the way as she leaned forward and took hold of her friends' hand.

"Anne. You did not fail. You are not worthless. You have not even lost a single ounce of your worth. This was outside of your control, it was a choice that you were not capable of making, or saving. Do not bottle up your feelings. Grieve for what you have lost, not only physically but what you have lost in spirit, and in happiness. You have to fully feel those things before you can hope to heal them. But you did not fail"

"Jane, if you did not go through the same experience I should be very angry at you right now, telling me that this was meant to be"

Jane nodded, she understood her anger, and she understand how frustrating it was not to have something to blame.

"How can it not be my fault? When other women- when you, stand before me at the end of your pregnancy. I could not even carry past three months, hardly enough time to even notice a child was there".

"Because it was not your fault"

Anne leaned back in her chair and bringing the hand that Jane had held to her mouth.

"I am so angry" she said, unable to finish the thought. Jane nodded at her, handing her back the tea that she had abandoned on the side table.

"You have every right to be- you should be! What happened to you was traumatic. Trauma has a way of lingering in our bones"

When Anne did not speak for quite some time, Jane sighed, playing with her fingers.

"The only way I could make sense of it was to know that the child I lost was not yet ready for this world. Or perhaps, I was not ready to be a mother to that child. It is hard to believe because it involves needing to forgive yourself for putting the blame onto yourself when you did not deserve it, and that is very hard. There will be second chances, there will be third, and fourth, and fifth chances if you want. This is not the end, this is a momentary stop on a long road to happiness. You just need faith, and a little more self love then you are willing to give just now"

Anne was looking out of the window now, and when Jane finished her eyes closed slowly as her hand reached once again for Jane's.

"Thank you, dear friend. Thank you".

There was a silence in the room for a very long time.

. . . . .

When Anne left several hours later, Jane felt that she was immensely lighter, perhaps because of what she had said, but far more likely because she had simply told someone of her imprisoning feelings. Jane could barely stand the sight of Mr Eshton when his carriage pulled up, and he stepped out to help Anne inside. Jane noted that he barely looked at her as he held out his arm, more interested no doubt in talking to Edward, who would be standing in the doorway to bid their guest farewell.

Jane turned away from the window, where she had promised to wave to Anne, and felt her blood boil within her veins. Why were men so selfish? And why did men never see the same things women did? Clearly Anne was dejected, and deflated, but her husband could not see that, despite looking at her everyday.

When Jane remembered to walk back to the window to wave goodbye the carriage was already halfway down the long drive. More frustrated than ever, Jane took to gathering things from the tea, the cups and plates of finished biscuits and bread, stacking them on the tray to return back to the kitchens.

She pulled on her ladies robe, which was not near as comfortable as her husbands old robe she used, so that she could be presentable to leave her room, took the tray in her arms, and walked out of the room. She was filled with so much angry energy that she did not register the stabbing pain in her side as she moved quickly down the long hallway. On the stairs, however, she took a few quick steps down and could no longer ignore the stabbing, splitting pain that shot through her back, spine and into her head. Jane clutched the railing of the stairs with great difficulty, trying to balance the wobbling tray in her other hand. She knew she would not be able to do so for long and so she let the tray slide from her hand onto the nearest step. She heard the clashing of certain things tipping off the tray and the smashing of porcelain. Clutching desperately to the rail, Jane lowered herself painfully to sit on the nearest step and clutched her side.

What was this pain? What was this new, foreign, mind numbing pain?

She felt her tender tailbone sticking into the step and tried shifting her weight, but more horrible pain.

"EDWARD" Jane called in a voice that was far more fearful then she expected it to be. "EDWARD, COME QUICKLY"

She heard the banging of doors downstairs, no doubt her servants having heard her cries and trying to come to her aid, but it was Edward who came speeding around the corner, looking at Jane in horror.

"Jane, darling" he said, looking at the mess of broken china and blood and Jane clutching one arm around the railing, the other holding her side. He swiftly put one arm under her and hoisted her into the air with surprising ease.

"Edward, I was trying to get downstairs and-"

"Shh, that does not matter" he said, "My God Jane, look at you. You are covered in blood"

"It is only from the broken china" she said, noting a slight pain in her hand that was no doubt fragmentary traces of the broken pieces.

She rested her head on her husbands chest as she clutched her bleeding hand tightly, trying to staunch the flow of blood. She felt faint, lightheaded, and was suddenly unaware of any of her surroundings.