Rain smashed hard against the window. It was night now, and Jane lay beside her sleeping husband, still feeling painfully wide awake after hours of tossing and turning. Her bare flesh was warm, so she peeled back the blankets to her waist, feeling the cool air outside of the sheets brush her sticky skin.
Being intimate with Edward had made her happy- very happy, but in ways it also felt like a teasing game. She wondered if she had disappointed him, if she had failed him in her marital promises. Having sex was so regular with them, and now for weeks they had been without it. First out of the discomfort of the final stages of pregnancy, and now it was because she needed time to heal- weeks to heal. Tonight he brought her to the very depths of sublime feeling, and yet it was surely not as fully satisfying as it had been for them at other times. She wondered if he feigned contentedness with her out of courtesy, rather than out of truth. The thought troubled her and it kept her awake now as she lay listening to the rain.
She had asked herself again and again if she should wake him, if she should confide in him in order to put her own mind at rest. She knew the answer was yes, and yet her feelings made her feel insecure and silly. She had worked up the courage multiple times now, but it did not carry enough to make her follow through. He just looked so tired, and slept so soundly that to wake him for something she was not even sure of would have been selfish.
Too much time had passed, however, for Jane to believe she would fall asleep tonight of her own accord if she did not put her mind at ease. So, she turned over and whispered Edwards name in his ear softly. As she did so, she had warm thoughts of how often she had woken to the same gesture. It made her smile.
He moved only slightly and settled again quickly, so Jane propped her head up on her hand and shook his arm lightly. His eyes flashed opened, and he batted his eyes confusedly at Jane.
"Is anything the matter?"
"Yes" she answered honestly, "But nothing pressing"
"Have you been to sleep yet?"
"No, not yet"
Edward rubbed his eyes sleepily and turned to her, looking slightly more alert as his face softened into thoughtful consideration.
"What is wrong, sweetheart? I can see that something perches on the edge of your thoughts. Tell me"
She attempted to start her explanation, but words seemed to fail her. Edward listened patiently, but then entreated that she simply be honest, and speak from her heart.
"Edward" Jane began, playing with his hair absent-minded as she always did when she was looking for comfort. "When we lay with each other earlier, it left me with an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. I do not know exactly what the feeling is, but it has caused me to lie awake since, running over in my mind so many possibilities. So I must ask you, have I disappointed you? Do not lie. You can be truthful. I have prepared myself for the worst reply"
"Disappoint me? And prepare for the worst? Jane, whatever do you speak of?"
"When we were making love you seemed, I do not know- I just wonder if I am enough for you now. We have not been with each other in such a way for weeks, and when we did try making love it was only a fraction of what it is meant to be- a fraction of what I know brings you the greatest pleasure. They say men need marital expectations meet, that they cannot do without such for long. I hate to think I frustrate you as I am now"
"And you think I would be less frustrated and more fulfilled in another bed? With another woman?"
"No, I do not think that either. I just want you to be happy, and to be in want for nothing. Tonight, I get the feeling that you were not as enthusiastic as you have been, because I dragged you into my bed like some common dog, broken with need and want. Perhaps you would have rather waited until I am healed, so that we could have tried again freely".
Edward chuckled lightly, causing Jane's blood to pulse with annoyance.
"Jane Rochester, you may drag me to your bed at any moment and I would not object in the slightest"
"But you would call yourself less enthusiastic?"
"No, I would call myself more careful with you, and more gentle, for I am concerned with your health and well-being above my own needs and wants"
"Such is very noble of you, if such is true. And yet you admit to having needs and wants, such as I am sure I cannot give you"
"Jane" he said, his tone far more serious now. "What has happened to put such doubt into your mind? What uncertainty darkens everything I have laid down before you as a sign of my love?"
"Edward, I took you in here with the intention of making love to you in every way that I could because I love you very much, and want you to feel the love that I have for you at every moment. Instead, however, you wound up making love to me, and then I was too tired to return the favour to you. Even in what little I can promise you I failed, while you continue to give me everything. Surely this must grate on your nerves, and cause you to look at me in a different light. Such must be the case. Lately I have been far less of a wife, and far more of a burden, I know that. I just do not want to get your hopes up just to have them unmet, and to disappoint you-"
Edward shook his head, entreating her to make herself silent. Jane obeyed him, looking into his dark and searching eyes.
"No" he said softly. "I need you to listen to me very closely. You cannot say such things to me. To suggest you have failed me is so far from the truth I can only look on it in amusement. If only you could know what joy it gave me tonight to run my fingers along your body, now sanctified with the marks of our love, and listen to you, and feel you, and have you gasp my name in my ear. My inability to be with you fully right now reminds me of the sacrifices you have made in order to grant us a son, and it makes me the proudest man on earth. Do not talk as if there was a possibility that I could not love you as fully as I do now. Do not suggest that making love to you is the only thing that matters in this marriage. I know it is a large part of our happiness, but we both know there are far more important things".
Jane was silent for a moment. Insecurity beckoned her to find any fault in what he had said, but there was none. His voice rang with a genuine honesty which validated all of his words.
"I guess" Jane began softly, "...I am feeling more insecure at this moment then I thought I was".
"Why?" Edward asked, "Was it something I said?"
"No" Jane assured him quickly, "No, not at all. There have just been so many changes, and so much shifting in my life. I didn't want the one thing that makes me feel grounded and protected and like myself to be uprooted. Everything feels new, and unknown. I thought I would be better at motherhood, or at least that it would be easier than it has been".
He looked at his wife, his eyebrow raised.
"I would tell you the truth, Jane, that you have been exceptional. But I know your nature. I know that you strive for absolute perfection when it comes to things and people that you love. So, instead I will tell you this- you cannot be a perfect mother, and things cannot go perfectly all the time. If you have a singular fault it is believing perfection to be attainable. I have learned the hard way that things cannot be perfect, and that living in the best way one can is as close to perfection as we can hope for as humans. It is okay if things feel new and different now, all will settle, and all will be well".
Comprehension dawned on her as she sat up, consumed in the realisation of her own thoughts.
"Edward, how completely right you are. I was trying to be the perfect mother and the perfect wife and the perfect mistress of this house so that things would feel controlled and familiar again. Of course I was bound to feel like I failed, I was reaching for what could not be attained. ".
Edward smiled, sitting up to be beside her.
"So tell me" he asked, softly, "where is it that you feel safest?"
"With you"
"And where are we right now?"
"We are alone, together" Jane breathed
"So, right now, everything is right in the world"
Jane fell back onto her pillows and stared up at the ceiling.
"How long did you lie awake before you woke me?"
"A very long time"
He chuckled softly,
"I suspected as much".
Jane turned on her stomach, looking up seriously at her husbands amused face.
"Do you think me very foolish?" she asked, regretfully.
"Incredibly so. It is incredibly foolish to think that waking me is something you should not do. Especially when I have all the answers ready for you to set your mind at ease".
She smiled a brief smile and then rolled onto her side so that she could lie partially on her husbands chest. He obliged her without objection, placing his arm around her and tracing his fingers along her back. Jane breathed deeply, the weight that had been pressing on her chest since she lay in bed dissolved into nothingness.
"And for the record" he started, after some time had passed, "For what it is worth, you leave me the very opposite of disappointed in our marital bed, no matter the circumstance. It is quite staggering, actually. I am at a complete loss for power with you. I am always at your mercy".
"Why do you think that is?" Jane asked, genuinely curious in his answer.
"Because you master me, and I like to be mastered".
"Mhmm"
Very little time passed before Edward drew himself into a seated position once more, his mind clearly consumed with other things now- more personal things. He gently moved Jane off of him and brought his hand to his mouth, thinking.
Jane, sensing that he too needed to talk about something on his mind, rose out of bed and searched for her nightgown. She slipped it on quickly after finding it flung over a nearby chair before returning to the bed and sitting cross-legged before her husband.
"My turn" she said, encouragingly.
Edward looked at her, holding her hand warmly in his. His glance turned towards the window when the small smile had fallen from his face. There was nothing there to distract him, however. The drapes had been pulled closed, and so it was impossible to see the dark sky beyond.
"Jane, I need your advice, because you matter a great deal in the decision I have to make. I am only sorry it is trivial in comparison to what you have just told me"
"Impossible" Jane said, "Edward Rochester is not a man interested in trivial things. You shall have my honest advice"
"Well, I was visited a few days ago by Mr White, the closest magistrate that lives nearby to this county. You remember of course I was asked to become the new magistrate for this county"
"Of course, I remember" Jane said, recollecting her husbands encounter a few months before in being asked to take over the position of a rather old man who was no longer able to do the job.
"Well, Mr White visited in order to give me instructions on when I was to go to London to accept my post officially. At first I thought this trip to London was a little frivolous and unnecessary, seeing as it only takes the signing of a piece of paper for the role to be passed onto me. But I have since learned that such a display is a representation of the rest of my role as magistrate. My schedule would involve going to London multiple times a month, meetings every week with other local magistrates, and spending long hours at trials for convicted criminals in the closest cities"
"Oh" Jane said, a little surprised. "Sounds like quite a dedication of time"
"It is more than a dedication. I think it is an absolute devotion. The job to me seems like a way to entangle a man in the snare of local politics so that he has no time for his own life. It is a system designed for an elderly man, who perhaps is trying to escape his family as much as possible- it is not for a young man who has just had a baby and detests falsehoods and other rich men's company".
"But you still wish to take the job?"
"I know that I can do some good, Jane. I know that men can rely on me to at least be honest and fair if nothing else. I know the ways of corrupt men far too well, and I know these people are victims to it with very little voice to oppose it".
"But..?"
"But there is you, and Henry, who are both far more important to me than this. I cannot bare the thought of spending so much time away from home. I am your husband, and now I am Henry's father. My place is here, as your protector".
Jane rubbed her fingers over his knuckles,
"You know me Jane. You know I am not made for the company of those who hide behind their wealth and possess no brains or talents of their own. I could not stomach it, and especially not now knowing how much time I would actually have to be in their company and away from the one person I can talk freely and honestly with"
Jane reached forward and placed her hand on Edward's arm.
"I never want you to feel limited, Edward. I never want you to feel like having a family means you cannot take on projects and opportunities that mean something to you. With that said, however, I do not think it is within your nature to enjoy a job that consumes so much of your own personal time, and requires you to be so far away from home among people who are not of your kind".
He nodded, placing his hand over Jane's that rested on his arm.
"You are right, but there is also something more that complicates my decision. I know to whom the magistracy role will pass, and it is a Lord who comes from a very old, very corrupt family from the North who deals in the cotton trade. They have just moved here, and I had the unpleasant surprise of running into the oldest son a few days ago. His smug, pig like, idiotic-"
"Darling"
"Sorry. His smug face telling me all of what he thought and believed made me reconsider the whole decision I had laid to rest as soon as Mr White left this house. What do I do Jane? What can I do that will soothe my conscious and allow me to feel at ease in my decision"
Jane thought long and hard, but as she was unequipped with the knowledge of the system under which her husband was forced to make a choice, she did not have an answer.
"When I first meet you, you would never have been the type to become involved in local politics, or other peoples lives. And now, you care so deeply. Why the change?"
"You made me care" he replied simply, "When I meet you Jane, I was half of a man, shut off from the living and existing with an iron cage around my heart. Your love has made me care. I do not delude myself into thinking I am the most worthy man, or the most deserving of this, but I do know I am the best candidate for it right now. I only wish I could revert back to my old ways, so I do not have to feel the weight of my choice- knowing what response it will have".
Jane put her hand on the back of his neck, massaging him gently.
"Edward, your life is your life. You must make the choice that you feel is best. But I know you. I know how frustrated you can get, how impatient you can be, and how painfully honest you are in your interactions. You have to consider all of that too in a post where your ability to help people is encased in the opinions of those for whom you have no respect. You have to know that the wealthy, upper class men that you will be dealing with will not take your side, and they will not hear your reason if it goes against their own interests".
Edward grimaced, putting his hand to his head.
"But, for now" she continued, rubbing his shoulder, "put it all aside. It is very late, and there is nothing that can be done at present to remedy the situation that we cannot look at again tomorrow".
She leaned in and pressed her lips to his lovingly. He lay back in the bed, moving Jane with him so that she could curl up into his chest comfortably. She sought the warmth of his masculine frame more than anything else.
"You turn all my worries to dust, Jane Rochester"
Jane smiled as she felt his lips kiss the top of her head. He smoothed her hair and she felt the full weight of her eyelids for the first time since getting into bed.
"Thank you" he said "I know I am always a fool when I do not confide in you sooner"
Jane shook her head,
"I have much more to thank you for. Far more. Having a person to whom I can come to with my deepest insecurities, without fear of judgement, is something I think about often, and something that makes me feel very loved".
Jane could not see her husband's face, but she suspected that he looked prideful. He rubbed her arm affectionately and buried his face in her hair.
"That is because you are" he said lowly.
. . . . . . . . . . .
The next morning, Jane could not help but slightly regret their mid-morning talk. Henry woke very early, and his crying lasted for hours and hours. It was one of those unfortunate days where nothing Jane did to him seemed to help at all, so the extra energy found in sleep would have been helpful. No amount of bouncing, or feeding, or singing, or rocking reduced the shrieks from him.
"It is a good thing I love you very, very much" Jane said lowly in his ear, bouncing him against her chest. "You are absolutely exhausting".
She appreciated the time, however, in the way that it gave her time to read when he was feeding. She was absolutely determined to help Edward find a solution to the magistracy problem he faced. She was forced to be honest with herself though as she searched- Edward cared very much about righting the corruption of men who take advantage of those who cannot help themselves, but those were the exact men he would have to refer to as colleagues, and would have to make relationships with if he wanted to achieve anything. She did not imagine that he could accept such facades. She also doubted very much if he could have much of an affect in the way he would have to appease them, for he could never hold the position if he constantly opposed them. But it was unique to him, and so she wanted to find a way for him to be involved, but not in a way that would consume his life and his energy. So, she took to reading a law book that was in the library. It was dated a few years previously, but she took an educated guess that the laws had not changed since its publication. She flipped through the pages of the magistracy guide but found nothing that could be of help to him. Frustrated, and feeling slightly annoyed that she had found nothing by the time Henry finished feeding, she placed the book back onto the table, it falling opened to a random page as she stood and tried rocking Henry again.
"Come on little one, time for sleep now" she encouraged vainly.
. . . . .
"Edward, Edward no!" Jane whispered desperately as the door creaked opened. Edward froze, stilling the door so that it fell silent. Jane nervously looked down into the face of her baby, who remained asleep in spite of the commotion. With great caution, Jane lowered him into his bassinet and crept carefully away from him, beckoning for Edward to retreat with her quietly.
"He is asleep?" Edward asked softly, once the door was pulled almost closed. Jane worried that latching it shut would wake him.
"For the present" she said, placing her hand on her forehead and slumping against the wall.
"Good god, what time is it?"
"It is nearly two"
"What did you have for lunch?" Jane asked, her stomach growling.
"Nothing yet. I thought I would wait for you".
Jane pushed herself off the walk and walked to her husband, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him. He chuckled to himself, holding her around the waist.
"Come on darling"
"No, lets just stay here"
Another soft chuckle.
"I think it is soup today, I hear the women of the kitchen are very excited for you to try some".
Jane pulled back her face to look at Edward, her brows furrowed.
"I do hope you are not kidding. Otherwise, I may cry".
He put his arm around her waist as they walked the length of the hall towards the staircase.
"There will be no tears shed today-"
Loud cries issued from the nursery and both Jane and Edward froze.
Jane turned on Edward quickly, her mouth half opened in speech.
"You go on" he interrupted kindly, but firmly before she could speak. "I'll look after him".
"Just until I eat, and then I will be back so that you can as well" she promised, kissing his cheek before turning and descending the staircase.