Hello Everyone!
I am so, so sorry for the lack of posting lately. I came down with the worst cold I have ever had, and everything I wrote during that time was sloppy and just didn't make sense, and I didn't want to publish it. I hope you enjoy this new chapter, please let me know if you do!
I will definitely post more coming up very soon to make up for all I have missed.
I hope everyone is better than I have been and I hope you have a good week!
(Also chapter 100! Ahh! I cannot believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Without you all, I never would have written past chapter 5).
xoxox
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Jane rushed her lunch and hurried back up to her husband, for there had been a large stack of letters placed in her husbands spot at the table, and one in particular was especially noteworthy to her. She ascended the steps two at a time, enjoying her regained full extent of motion, and pushed opened the nursery door.
"That was fast" Edward commented, somewhat confused. He half turned to look at her, "Did you eat?"
"There is something I want to show you. Something that came this morning".
More interested than before, Edward looked at Jane as she sat beside him on the couch. She took the fussing Henry from his arms so that he could take from her hands a letter which was yellowed with distance and time.
" St John Rivers" Rochester commented slowly, his tone hard to name as he read the address from the letter. "Strange, is it not, that he is writing to you now? After all this time?"
"Very strange. I have not heard for him in so long that I thought he must hate me, or at least had forgotten me completely. He writes letters to his sisters somewhat frequently but never replied to me when I sent him one. Will you read it to me?"
Edward opened the envelope and slipped the letter out, beginning to read.
"Dear Ms Eyre,
Writing from India takes much longer than one would expect. If you have not received a letter from me, as Mary and Diana have both indicated made you upset, know it is nothing personal. I am very busy in my new missionary role, and the luxury of the time to write is not understood the same here as it is to women who sit in parlours in England. If it is my well-being you are concerned with, know I am very healthy. I feel more connected to God then ever in my new role, and am grateful everyday that I made the correct, unpolluted choice in coming here. Though there were things back in England to keep me there in an easy, far more indulgent life, I took the path that will lead me to eternal salvation- of that I am sure. I pray for the souls of my fellow man and woman who cannot see God's plan so clearly as I can at present.
I hope Diana's marriage will be a positive and beneficial one to all parties involved. She said you promoted the union, thus I cannot assume it is impractical or ill-fitting. A naval captain I suppose is an honourable career, although I wonder if the temperament of a clergyman would have suited her better.
I hope that you are in good health and fulfilled in your religious commitments, which I hope have not been changed in the choices you have made.
St John Rivers"
Edward put down the letter, staring at Jane.
"That man is never to come here. He can stay in India for all I care, but he will never step foot in my house"
Jane went to talk but he spoke over her,
"I will not have him speak of you in that way" he said firmly, "Implying that you have lost your religion and given up everything that is right in the world because you did not marry him and become a missionary wife. I will not have that"
"You know him far less than I do" Jane objected, "Though what he says is wrong, he does not mean it in a cruel way"
"Then he should be more aware of his words and what they imply"
"I agree" Jane said, "Yet I cannot fault him"
"Well I can" Edward said, still sounding angry "And I will do it freely".
Jane moved Henry to her shoulder and looked at her husband, thought he did not glance her way as she spoke.
"That letter revealed all I wished to know of St John, that he is happy and still yet unchanged in his ways. I was not looking for an apology or reconciliation I knew I would not get. There is a reason his proposal caused me to flee back to your side, for he showed me what a loveless person and loveless life was, and I could not bare the idea of becoming that. He is a product of his beliefs and his hurt, and not of love. Thus, I will not fault him"
"That is because, Jane Rochester, you are a far better person than I. There is nothing in that man I can find to respect. He disregarded your feelings, he supposed you, or perhaps wanted you to be the kind of woman who could live without love, and treated you as less than you are"
"You are right" Jane confirmed,
"And I do not like the fact that in the year you were away from me, he was with you. I do not like that thought at all"
Jane brought Henry to her lips and kissed his cheek repeatedly. His little face contorted into a smile,
"I remember that part all too well. But, all that is behind us now" she said, also kissing her husbands cheek. His face too softened slightly, but he still looked cross.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
In the weeks that followed, the late spring continued until the summer finally came. Warmth seemed to spread over England overnight and cover the earth in warmth, and bloom, and freshness.
Jane received frequent letters from both Diana and Mary asking about the baby along with Jane and Edward's overall happiness. Somewhat unhappily, she found Diana took on a far more domestic role than Jane believed would be good for her. She could not know for sure, for she hadn't seen her since her wedding, but just from the wording of her letters Jane felt a little suspicious of her sitting around stitching pillows and hosting tea parties. But Jane was forced to remind herself that she was not to judge what determined Diana's happiness, and indeed she did seem very happy. That was all that mattered, in the end.
Mary had taken up a new position just outside of London as a teacher in a school similar to Jane's old Lowood, but Mary assured it was far more friendly and warm. She seemed to truly like the work she was doing for the first time in her life, and Jane thus felt very happy for Mary too.
Little Adele, though she was growing less little by the day, wrote too. She wrote of new friends, new knowledge, and still sweetly lamented that she wished Jane to be her governess again, so she would not be away from her home, or her family. She was also quite desperate to see the new baby, but could not be granted the time away from school. She longed for the Christmas break, where she could meet Henry for the first time.
The Rochester family was very happy too. Very happy. Learning to be a parent had fallen into a pattern of what Jane believed would be the closest to ease they would experience until Henry grew up a little. And yet she did not want him to grow at all, she cherished every moment with him and everything she and Edward now shared because of him.
. . .
Jane woke early one morning after a restless nights sleep, and in knowing she would not be able to fall asleep again she rose, dressed, and then dressed Henry for a walk outside. She walked over to his bassinet and picked him up, whispering, as not to wake her husband, "Good morning little one. How did you sleep? Well, how did you sleep after four?"
She carried him downstairs, tickling his stomach as they went so he squealed and smiled.
"What is it?" Jane asked, grinning at his little face, "What!"
At the bottom of the stairs, servants were all gathered to start their tasks, lighting fires and starting their morning rounds of the house.
"Good morning Ms" Leah said in surprise, "You are up very early"
Jane knew that normally servants were put off and nervous when a member of the house rose before the morning chores had been done, for Jane had experienced such herself as a servant, but people greeted her good morning and continued onto their work seeming contented.
"I could not sleep" Jane said, bouncing Henry in her arms, "He fussed for most of the night"
"Oh little one" Leah teased, brushing his arm lightly,"How silly you are".
Jane smiled and looked to Leah, eyebrows raised.
"Silly indeed. I cannot wait until he sleeps through the night...even partway through the night"
"I know ma'am. I remember my sister struggled with the same thing. She was quite overwhelmed with it all, but unlike you, she had help. She was not so determined as you are".
"I do have help! I have all the servants here I know I could call on at any moment if I needed them. But I am determined, perhaps to the point of me being stubborn".
Leah laughed, "Indeed ma'am, but the child is lucky indeed to have you and the master for parents. He won't be wanting for love, that is to be sure. Are you going for a walk in the gardens now?"
"Yes, indeed. If the master comes down and asks, would you mind telling him?"
"Of course".
. . .
After Henry was loaded into his pram and wrapped in a light blanket, Jane wheeled him outside. The day was the same as the ones that had come before it. It was the perfect temperature early in the morning, but it did not get warmer throughout the day. The sun poked through the leafy trees so that it covered the grass in shadow. The warm light that bathed the earth gave life to flowers, plants and trees, and it gave Jane heart.
Since having Henry, Jane realised how much she had missed being able to walk freely for as long as she wanted without needing to stop for a rest, or without paining in some form. She felt so grateful, to an even silly degree, for days like this one now. For the peace and quiet the world brought so early in the morning, and for the calm it spread over her skin as she pushed her child along with her.
Henry was sleeping. Jane thought, somewhat amused, somewhat frustrated, that it was sad that Henry could sleep now so soundly, and always slept so poorly at night. She shook her head, smiling. She reflected to herself how often she looked at her child, and how she felt she could describe every inch of his little face blindfolded. His hair had darkened in the last little while, and more of it had seemed to grow in. In was thin and curly, and Jane could not wait to see what his head of hair would be like when he was older. His full cheeks were always rosy, and his eyes were identical to his fathers, deep brown and brilliant. Jane was thankful he looked like his father, for surely she had nothing to offer him in terms of looks.
She pushed the pram around a corner of the garden, her mind still flooding with thoughts and feelings. Being a mother was far better than anything she could have imagined before, because one cannot know what it is to love someone in that way before you are a parent. Jane knew she would give her whole life for this baby, a baby who could not walk or talk yet, who could not express his ideas to the world or tell of what he felt. But that did not matter, she would give everything to him in a heartbeat regardless. And yet, because of this she was in constant fear of something going wrong, or her doing something incorrectly. She roamed over actions and schedules and gestures over and over again in her mind, trying her best to do everything right, but knowing that this was impossible.
She truly had been trying to take Edward's advice to mind, that she was a perfectionist when it was impossible to be one as a mother and that would end in constant unhappiness, so she must relax and be more forgiving. She reminded herself of this often. Only the other day Ms Miller had been over and Jane broke down after not being able to get Henry to feed from her.
"Jane dear, this is quite normal. Let me help you" she had said, kindly.
"But I am his mother, shouldn't this be easy?"
"Not at all. Many new mothers have trouble feeding their babies at all, for you it is infrequent, and it is easy to get him to, look"
Ms Miller had readjusted him on her arm and he began feeding hungrily. Jane looked up at Ms Miller and sighed, feeling instantly guilty for ever having complained.
"Ms Miller, I should not be complaining. As you have said, many mothers have far more frustrating situations than me, and they have no help. I should be grateful".
Ms Miller smiled, shaking her head.
"My Jane, it is not difficult to get you to feel sorry. Child, you have every right to complain because you, like every new mother, are tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated. Do not try and apologise to me for being honest about such things. Now have you been eating well?"
"Yes"
"And lots?"
"Yes"
"Good. I know that Mr Rochester of yours is determined to keep you in good health. But us women can easily outsmart our men if we wanted to, and yet I can see you are in good health and good spirits overall".
Jane chuckled, "Indeed"
So, practising this new determination to be contented with being a work in progress would have to do for now, Jane pondered as she rounded another corner to enter deeper into the garden.
. . .
Jane returned from her walk feeling refreshed and enthusiastic for the day ahead of her. She thought that Edward may even enjoy a walk into town with her later, which would be a nice way to spend time together and get Henry out of the house, as Ms Miller had recommended. She claimed that fresh air made babies feel more sleepy, and Jane was willing to try anything to make Henry sleep.
After nursing Henry for quite a long time in the nursery, Jane rocked him to sleep and he settled into his crib without stirring. Jane crept from the room, not believing her luck in getting him to fall asleep and so quickly, and entered her own room next door quietly. There was no need for such caution, however. Edward sat on the edge of the bed, pulling on his socks when Jane entered. She smiled at him and he looked back at her, curiously.
Where have you been all this time?" he asked, "I thought I would have to send out a search party for you when I woke so early and found you were not here"
"Is that what you were intending on doing?" Jane asked, watching him pull on his other sock.
"Yes indeed, if you must know" he said, grinning, 'But now that you are home again safely, the danger is averted. I will not need to be called upon as your knight in shining armour"
"I wouldn't count on that just yet" Jane said, nudging his side affectionately as she sat beside him.
He kissed her temple quickly.
"And what plans do you have brewing for today?" he asked suspiciously, "I can always tell when you have a plan. You look so determined"
"I want to take a walk into town today" Jane said
"Alright...in order to do what?"
"Go to the bookstore"
"But Jane, you only went last week. Surely you are not through the books already?"
"I am not. But are you going to forbid me from going?"
He shot her a knowing look.
"Of course not. You may do whatever you please"
"Good, because I was going to do it anyways".
He chucked to himself, shaking his head.
"And I suppose you wish me to go too?"
"What makes you say that?"
"I know you Jane. I know you would not walk in here as blooming as you look now, talking about a walk into town later, if you did not want me to come. Besides, I now have a family to protect now, I must go".
"I doubt we will need much protection in the town square. Cobble stone is very threatening, but I think we could manage"
Edward rolled his eyes as Jane stood before her husband again, "There is more to fear in town, my darling, than cobble stone streets- even with you being very capable".
"Fine then, we would manage against the even more threatening bakery in town. You know, I was told by Ms Miller that while carrying a child some women eat a certain type of food far more, because of the changing body. I thought my want to eat from the bakery would stop once I had given birth, but I fear it has not".
"Good" Edward said slapping Jane's behind, "I like you with flesh on your bones"
Jane shoved his arm away, smiling.
"I wish you to come", she continued more seriously, "because I want to spend time with you".
"I've missed you lately" Edward said quietly, "Henry has taken up so much of our time. I miss seeing you throughout the day when we are not passing over duties or taking turns rocking our crying son. I miss talking with you before bed. Not even something as big as that- I miss you not being asleep when I make it up to bed so I can kiss you goodnight".
Jane sighed, taking his hand in hers and bringing it to her lips.
"You are not very upset by it though, are you?"
He shook his head. "If the price of having a son is that I have to share him with you, then I would be very selfish indeed to be upset by it- by any of it, for you have made me happier by giving me Henry than I ever could have imagined myself to be".
She allowed him to pull her into an embrace, his face buried in her stomach. She smiled as he kissed her gently.
"Edward" Jane asked softly, "Will you let me try something"
"You sound determined"
"I am. And I am afraid I need you for it, and may let you down in trying"
He raised his eyebrow at her,
"Impossible. But you may use me in any way you want"
Jane started to undo her dress slowly and somewhat awkwardly from behind. Edward watched her curiously until understanding dawned upon him. He took to taking off the clothes he had only just put on until he was standing in just his shirt. He reached his wife in one stride and stepped behind her,
"Let me help" he said, gently.
Jane dropped her fumbling hands and allowed Edward to undo her corset.
"It has been so long since I've worn one, I believe I have forgotten how to take it off"
"Well, luckily for you, I have not"
And indeed it fell to the floor at Jane's feet with a soft thud. She now stood only in her slip, and was free to turn and face her husband, feeling her own flush of feeling running through her body to the very tips of her fingers. She had restrained herself for so long, but now she was healed, and free to do so carefully at first, and with caution.
Edward put his hands under his wife so he could lift her legs up to wrap around his waist. Jane put her arms around his neck and kissed him lovingly as he walked them back into a nearby wall, pressing Jane's back against it.
Jane gasped. The rush of feeling and want and desire that rushed through her body was immense. She wanted him now, this instant, and did not want to wait, wanted none of the formalities.
"Love, what is it?" Edward asked, kissing her neck and jaw.
"I want to make love slowly and passionately and I want it to last a few long time" Jane said, more frankly than she intended to answer. Edward pulled back and grinned at him.
"Sounds wonderful to me"
"But I also do not want to wait another moment before being with you, even speaking like this is wasting time".
At these words, Edward moved her easily back to the bed, laid her down, and took off her nightdress in one sweeping motion. She felt the cool air hit her skin, and it prickled every bit of her desire to an unbearable degree. She pulled her husband close to her as he shed his final bit of clothing too and felt a soft kiss on her forehead before he he moved inside of her.
She cried out, her own desire threatening to drown her. She had wanted him for so long, and had held back so much that now when he was here and inside of her she could barely comprehend how happy she felt. He was moving now, slowly at first, but at Jane's indication he picked up the pace, grunting back his own sounds of pleasure as Jane's fingernails clawed his back. He was trying desperately hard not to be rough with her, to be careful in spite of her desirous, inflamed words. Jane moaned, hearing it soon interrupted by the sudden shock of her breath hitching in her throat. Edward, wanting to drive her over the top instantly, moved his thumb to the intimate spot which made her burn like fire. He suddenly stilled within her, gasping, and Jane felt a release and waves of feeling buried her in immense love and bliss.
Jane did not know how long she lay there, waiting for her head to stop spinning, or for her heart to slow once again. It thumped loudly in her ears, obscuring every other sense she had. She barely felt her husbands lips brush her forehead, or move her hair out of her face. She reached for him, for some part of him with her eyes still closed, and felt his shoulder, for he must have been looking upon her. She massaged it gently, trying to convey an appreciation that for now she could not vocalise.
. . .
"Do not say it"
"You do not know what I was going to say"
"I do indeed. And if you promise to inform me if I was right, then I will tell you now"
Jane nodded,
"You were going to apologise for our lovemaking being quick and for not thinking of me, even though I would have told you multiple reasons why that does not matter to me, and then you would have apologised for just laying here since"
"Well, I was not going to apologise for laying here, for it is only now I can line my thoughts up enough to speak"
"And who is to blame for that?"
Jane kissed her husband in reply and cuddled into his shoulder.
"But were you going to apologise for the rest?"
Jane looked up at him, her answer already formed, but she shook her head as her answer changed.
"No. I do not think I will anymore".
"Why?" he asked, grinning suspiciously at her.
"Because I do not have to. Because I am comfortable with you, and because you asked me to be honest and I intend to be honest with you, always. I have a luxury with you that most women do not share with their husband, and that is a level of comfort and trust that is hard to express. I enjoy being fully honest with you because it shows the intimacy we share together perhaps even more so than the lovemaking we just did"
"But it does come at a cost. In order to have such you must be with a vulcan-like man twice your age, who lived a life of poor choices before meeting you, and still has a bad temper and poor aides to help reason with himself".
Jane smiled, "Without those things I do not believe that you would be my Edward, and thus I could never wish them away".
He pressed his lips to Jane's forehead, pausing before drawing back and caressing her arm with his thumb.
"I think about my relationship with you all the time. You are the only person I have ever been willing to change for, and yet you are the only person that has never asked me to change. You have never wanted me to be something I am not. You are the only person that has ever accepted me for who I am".
Jane rolled onto her stomach and looked up seriously into the face of her husband.
"It is unloving to ask someone to be something they are not, or to do something they are unable to do".
"You say such as if it is easy, and common knowledge".
"It is it not, it should be. People would be far happier".
They lay in silence for a little while longer before Jane spoke again.
"I imagined us making love again being far more different than it was. I wanted to make love to you slowly, and passionately. I wanted it to last a very long time, but instead I felt like a wild animal and tired myself out in the process so that we had to finish very quickly".
Edward chuckled,
"I quite like it when you are desperate- it makes you so responsive. It gives me the liberty to tire you out very quickly".
"But I wanted to make you desperate" Jane said, slightly disgruntled.
"Jane, you do make me desperate. So much so that I have to stop myself now from turning you over and making love to you again, and again, and again".
Jane blushed slightly, burying her burning face in her husbands chest.
"There is nothing worse, Jane, than to be with someone intimately and know they are not being honest. It shatters all the trust of the carnal act and thus all emotional gain one can take from it. You are so refreshingly honest in what you want, and yet it never overtakes your concern for me and my own pleasure. You do not know how unique that is".
"It cannot be too unique, if one loves their partner"
"No, you are right" he said, gathering her to him, "That is why you could go through life and never tell me again that you love me and yet I would still know it to be true".
"But I will tell you" Jane interrupted, "Again, and again I intend to tell you how much I love you".
"Mmm, good, because I will never grow tired of hearing it".
He leaned forward and pressed his lips to the top of his wife's head.
"Come now darling. I believe we have a trip into town planned, we must go before it gets too late in the afternoon. I believe we can resume this later..."
As Jane got re-dressed her husband stood before her, fastening her cloak around her. She could not help but feel a certain warmth from within as she watched him drape it around her shoulders. It was such a private moment to have him button up her cloak, to protect her, to keep her safe. After the sex they had just shared, it felt like him guarding her from all harm, from anyone knowing what they had shared together. No one, upon seeing them, would know of what happened just before their trip into town, but Jane would be glowing as they passed from shop to shop, and although no one would know exactly why, they would be able to see how excessively happy she was. In that moment, Jane wished for that sort of happiness for the rest of the world.