As Jane's memory slowly dissolved around her she became aware of her surroundings again. Her room was still quiet, and she suspected that if she was not sitting directly in front of the fire she would have felt very cold. She had half expected to be aroused from her thoughts by Henry's cries, or the sound of footsteps on the hallway, but all had remained very still.
The memory she had been playing over in her mind left an expansive warmth within her chest, spreading all over her body. She could not help the smallest smile which played over her mouth. She understood now, more than ever, how different that night could have been for her. She knew what her husband had held back for himself in order not to frighten her, she knew he had moved with patience, and was gentle with her in spite of everything he must have wanted. And yet, without having experienced the vast and equal love she now did, she never would have known this, for he never would have told her something so selfish.
And yet, how many other women were left absolutely horrified in their wedding bed- stripped of all privacy and protection by the person who had promised to safeguard them. How many women did not know the difference between consummation and love? Surely without the stroke of miracle in Jane's life it would have been her too. Now it was easy to say that she never could have married St John, for in having known Mr Rochester she could not pretend, even to herself, that St John could have ever satisfied what she knew could exist between two people. But if she had never known Edward, things would most likely have been very different. She had never expected to marry for love, and if she did not know what love was then maybe her respect and admiration for St John would have made up her definition. What a stroke of divine luck it had all been.
The fire crackled loudly and Jane was aware for the first time how very hungry she was. She had decided that she would eat without her husband, for she had no way of knowing when he would finish and it was not worth the chance to wait. When she stood up, however, she screamed as her hand flew to her mouth. A dark figure was lying on her bed, his arms tossed over his head, staring up at the ceiling.
At the sound of her yell the figure sat bolt upright, looking alarmed and confused.
"Jane, for goodness sake"
"Edward, why did you not say that you had come in here? Good God, my heart is racing. You scared me".
"I did, but you didn't hear me, you were deep in thought apparently"
Jane blushed to herself as she waited for the rapid pace of her heart to slow. She must have been deeply in thought indeed.
"Jane Rochester, you are a vision" Edward said, amused at the sight of his dishevelled wife. Her hair that had touched the back of the armchair had loosened, just like the back of her dress which she had pulled opened to make herself more comfortable. Her shoes were still kicked haphazardly to the side.
"Did you just come up here?"
"I've only just come in here, but I sat with Henry for a little while he slept. The meeting ended a while ago"
At these words Jane made her way towards him, sitting on the edge of the bed and facing his outstretched body.
"Edward,I am so sorry. I did not even think to ask- My head was just so full, I thought about how it was going all afternoon but I just-"
"It all went well, very well, but there is time to talk of all that. Come here".
Jane allowed him to pull her into his embrace, with her back pressed to his chest. His warm arms around her made her smile, and she wanted nothing more than to remain like this for a very long time, if it was not to be forever.
"I am not used to seeing selfish Jane, so caught up in her own world and her own thoughts. Is everything alright love?"
"Oh yes, very much so. My thoughts were so consuming because they were so happy, not because they were unpleasant"
"Indeed? I would love to hear them"
"No" Jane responded, "They would make you far too conceited".
She sat up, pulling herself from her husbands embrace. Sitting cross legged before him, she reached for a curl on the top of his head and wrapped it around her finger gently. She wanted to just watch him, to see what she had studied a thousand times before. The odd sense of sentimentality that had washed over her still lingered in her mind, and she could have gushed to him every honest and deep feeling she felt for him at even the smallest movement, or the smallest hum of his voice.
He watched her knowingly. Jane had a feeling that he understood the way she felt, and she appreciated the fact that he did not ask her to explain. He only smiled up at her very slightly, studying her too as she watched his curl around her finger.
"Can I at least have a hint? I won't ask for more than that"
Jane eyed him sceptically.
"Edward Rochester, do you not think I know you better than that by now?"
"A small hint" he insisted.
Jane dropped her hand and looked at him, positive she was blushing.
"The first night we slept with one another" she said, rather cryptically. His face cracked into a sort of prideful grin as he nodded.
"Why were you thinking of that tonight?"
"I am not entirely sure. I feel sentimental and sad, and loved, and happy, and like I cannot possibly hold all the feelings that I feel right now. I suppose that is how I felt that night, in some ways"
"Where did you learn to be so vulnerable?" Edward asked seriously, "You of all people should have reason to distrust people, and hide away what you feel".
"But I do distrust people. You just happen to not be "people". You are mine. And I love you"
"I envy you Jane. I know that long since, in being given you, my sins have been washed clean. But I wasted so much of my life not being able to find my way, and making poor decision after poor decision trying to find a voice that was not ashamed. You are innately so vulnerable, even though you have a past that far out-rivals mine in misfortune. Why is it that you, with all your hardship and pain, came out a hundred times better than me?"
"Because you were rich, and had the money to enable your years of poor decisions. You also had people in your life leading by example, showing that living in such a way, if not good, was simply what one of a certain class does. I saw it in my own family too".
"Mmm" he said thoughtfully, leaning forward to kiss his wife's forehead.
"Just now" Jane continued, "When I was thinking about our first night together I was struck by something I have not considered much before now. Knowing what I do now about making love, and being with someone that I love as much as you, you must have had such high hopes, and such high expectations for us. Yet you never let on to me any of that, because I am sure you feared intimidating me. I know how much you held back of your own pleasure those first few days, and how much of an active choice that was. Was that hard for you?"
"No, it was not. I had high hopes out of sheer love for you. There was a time in my life when the woman's experience I was with was the biggest factor in how much I enjoyed myself. You perhaps don't know this as well as I, but being intimate with someone you do not love is very fleeting, because it is only about skin-deep pleasure that dissolves the moment your head hits the pillow. My high hopes for us came from believing that because I love you, far more than I knew how to say, it would be very, very different. And, it was. It was entirely new for me"
"But then why were you so cautious with me?"
"Because I knew the experience could be very shocking, and God knows I did not want to frighten you. If my own shameful amount of experience could be put to use, it had to at the very least be in a way that allowed myself to control my feelings for you- something which was far more difficult than I anticipated, by the way".
"Had you ever been with a virgin, besides me?"
"No, I hadn't. I intentionally sought out experienced women because I did not want the burden of having to show anything. And like I said, when the act is for shallow, personal pleasure alone, all you want is an experienced person who knows how to do the job right".
"But you did not find it a burden showing me?"
He smiled warmly,
"A burden" he sighed, slightly surprised and slightly amused, "Please do not tell me that your impression of that night is such"
"No" she answered definitively, "It is not".
"Good" he said, kissing her lips briefly, "Because I would not be able to live with myself if such was true".
"But please, tell me about the meeting" Jane implored, "It is far more important than what we have been talking about"
"I don't know...thinking of being the only one to touch you and love you in that way is about as good as it gets for me"
"Then love me a little more by indulging my curiosity"
Edward sat up, pushing his back against the headboard.
"Very well. The meeting, as you know was far longer than anticipated. But that was because there were some complications".
He paused, but Jane did not interrupt him so he continued,
"Lord Marcus arrived today in order to sit in on the meeting, but to my surprise he was not the one who caused a fuss. A man named Lord Kingsley came, who was in trouble with the courts a few months ago-"
"I know of him. I had the pleasure of meeting him earlier and Anne filled me in on his character afterwards".
Rochester looked cross as Jane spoke, so she put his mind at ease before he would continue.
"Well, Lord Kingsley felt that having a duel magistracy would be ineffective as it weakened the power of the position by having two people hold it rather than one, and that argument seemed to rally quite a bit of support. We could not sway the group away from the belief that two people holding the position would be bad"
"So what happened?"
"The best possible thing. Kingsley was positive that his position here historically has ties to an older family and so the magistracy would pass to him as a result. Turns out he was not made away that Eshton had married into perhaps the oldest family still living here with ties to its earliest local politics. He made a huge fool of himself, and Eshton was granted the position".
"But Edward" Jane began sadly, "You did not get what you wanted, you did not obtain the position"
"I got exactly what I wanted. Jane, I never wanted the pomp and circumstance of it all- the robes or the wigs, or the long meetings or long spaces of time that would separate me from you and Henry. That is why I asked for the joint magistracy in the first place. This is the perfect solution. Eshton has no strong political claims of his own, but he loves the ceremony of it all. He loves to travel, as does his wife. He will find it the most interesting experiment to date. I know that he will look to me for guidance, so I am ensuring that what I would have argued for will have a voice in court. Eshton is brave, and perhaps foolish enough to say whatever we talk of together, even if it goes against everything people are arguing. But you look disappointed in me darling, have I misjudged what you would think?"
"No, of course not. I am very happy for you if this is what you want. But as you say, Eshton has no political convictions of his own, how can you be sure he will not just let this role slip through his fingers? He loves a victory, but now he has won, the goal has been obtained, is that not enough for him?"
"No, I don't think it is. Anne's family have never fully accepted him, and he is desperate for their approval as much as he lets on he is not. This is the answer, the best possible answer to solve that relationship. He is even more enthusiastic now than I thought he would be".
"Then I am very satisfied. And very happy that you will remain here, where you belong. Now that it is all over I feel I am at liberty to be honest with you".
Edward shot her a wry smile.
"My darling, you are indeed very wonderful for not saying explicitly how you would have felt about me being gone away. It was very supportive of you. But if you think for an instant you can hide from me on your face what you feel, you are indeed very mistaken".
Jane grinned, crossing her arms.
"Fine, but for the record it works on other people. Just not you".