"If it were not you, I should think it a very bad idea" Edward said wisely, bouncing Henry on his lap.
Jane was changing in her room after Henry had spit-up on her, just having finished conveying her plan to scope out the households general feelings about the past few days.
"What do you mean?"
"Only that if it were not for your ability to search for answers without simultaneously seeking gossip, I fear such a plan could go drastically downhill- or more likely would go downhill".
"How?"
He looked up at her, stopping Henry's bouncing.
"What if I told you I was going to do the same thing?"
"I would tell you it is a terrible idea"
"Why?"
"Because you have trouble retaining civility with people whom you feel are doing the wrong thing".
"Exactly. You do not have such problems, nor problems of any kind controlling yourself".
"But you still think it a bad idea?"
Jane walked over and stood before her husband so he could help do up the back of her dress. She held her hair up as he began to pull the dress closed.
"No...I do not think it a bad idea. I only worry because you only want happiness for the people that you care about, and sometimes, when a person cares so much they can do so at their own expense. This is a sensitive topic, and clearly Diana has not fully adjusted to her sisters pregnancy yet. I do not want you to feel like you have to take on a burden that is not yours to carry".
He tapped her bum playfully to indicate he was different before Jane turned to look at him.
"You know, you are the only one who calls it her 'pregnancy' and not her 'condition'".
"Well, I would prefer to call it exactly what it is, and that is a pregnancy".
Jane sighed as she sat on the bed beside him, taking Henry into her arms and kissing his little forehead.
"Edward, I do not know if I am asking for your approval on this because I am not sure if it is a good idea, but I feel like I must try something to help. Mary is so desperate. Diana is so closed and timid. Nothing like this has ever happened in their lives, and I believe the coolness between them comes from not knowing how to proceed. The Captain seems almost oblivious to it all, which is alone frustrating and confusing. You know me, I hate prying. I hate looking for information that is not mine to have, but this is my family and I do not even need to do anything with the information I collect. It may just be helpful to know honestly where everyone stands".
Edward smiled warmly at her, kissing her temple tenderly.
"Sweetheart, you need not justify anything to me. I have a feeling that you are only guilty because you have never snooped for information before in your life. But your heart is never wrong, and I trust whatever you decide to do"
"Well" said Jane, being drawn into him, "It would be more helpful if you did not use words like 'snoop'".
He laughed as he looked from Jane to their son in her arms. He was very happy today, and very content to be with both his parents. He had not yet slept, and yet was as quiet as when he was asleep.
"Thank you" Edward said, rubbing her arm , "For helping me so much these past few days".
"I've hardly done a thing"
"On the contrary, though all this confusion and change in circumstance you have remained my partner amid everything. Even as I have laid in bed with you in the nights and you have been so tired, whenever I've needed to talk to you about something you have rolled over and sat up, facing me with your full attention, without complaint".
"Because you are my husband, and my family is the most important thing in my life. You and Henry matter most, above everything else that's been going on. I never want you to feel neglected by me, because I do not even worry about if I will ever be neglected by you- no matter the circumstance".
"Well" he said, leaning forward and smiling suggestively at her, "I do not feel neglected by you, ever. Especially not after this morning-".
"Speaking of!"
Jane slapped Edward across the arm as he laughed heartily,
"What!"
"You cannot say things like that at breakfast. You will mortify me one of these days and I will not be so fast to forgive you"
"Jane" he said knowingly, rolling his eyes, "I wasn't going to say anything- I didn't say anything!"
"Well I do not trust you- and you implied it-"
"Shh, you'll frighten Henry" Edward said, taking his son back from Jane.
"No, no. You held him while I changed. It is my turn".
"But you held him all this morning"
"I was feeding him!"
"Still holding him" Edward argued , rocking Henry.
"I hope he grows up to be far less stubborn then his father" Jane mused, running her finger along Henry's foot playfully, "But very much like him in every other way"
"Every way?" he asked, sceptically.
"Well...almost every way" she replied, putting her head on Edward's shoulder.
Realising how long she would spend nursing Henry throughout the day, and knowing how little time would be truly hers, Jane stood up.
"If you wish to be with Henry all that is very well. Just give me a kiss and then I'll be off"
"No! Absolutely not. I do not want you to go. Stay"
"I have some investigating to do though"
"Oh no, I've changed my mind about all that, it was all a bad idea from the start- I think you should forget it all together"
"I am not so sure" Jane said, bending down to kiss her son before walking towards the door.
"No! Come back, come back. I'll give you a kiss, even if you are leaving me"
"Too late!" Jane called, closing the bedroom door behind her.
. . . .
Like Mary had alluded to at breakfast, she wanted to spend the day reading and finishing her needle point, so Jane did not disturb her. Somehow she got the feeling that knowing what Diana and Captain Franklin thought about her situation would help when talking to Mary.
Jane did not need to find Diana, for she called out to her her when she passed by the sitting room a short time later. Diana was standing in front of the window, apparently looking out into the gardens. She smiled perhaps a little sadly at Jane when she entered the room.
"You have changed, then?"
"Indeed. I am afraid that Henry's accidents, in their many forms, are in need of constant cleaning".
Diana smiled more genuinely, and with less sadness.
"I can imagine. My goodness Jane, you are an amazing mother".
"Thank you" she said advancing forward, "But I am not sure what I have done to deserve such confidently high praise".
Diana looked back out of the window, her arms folded casually.
"It is not just one thing, rather everything. Its the way you talk about him, the way you did not hire a nurse because you always want to be with him- last night the way that Mr Rochester was telling us about you as a mother when you went to change Henry. It all makes perfect sense, you have always been loved by anyone who has known you, especially children. Henry will be very lucky to know you as his mother someday".
"I hope so. Being a parent is immensely difficult. I never know if what I am doing is right, I never quite know how to go about it. Right now is easy- he is young and all he needs is much love and care. But as he grows, he will need far more than that, and as parents it is our job to guide him into being his own mannered, kind and intelligent person. It is a lot to think about".
"Imagine how us, who are not naturals as you are, will have to fend with motherhood" Diana laughed, "If indeed you are so worried it hardly gives me any encouragement".
"Come, let us take a walk outside. It is a lovely day and the grounds are so beautiful as they come into full bloom. I hardly have any time to walk them myself anymore, and would greatly appreciate the company".
Diana agreed heartily, and once they were in a more private place, Jane resumed their conversation.
"You said us who are not naturals, do you think of being a mother yourself? There was a time you told me that you were not so very fond of children".
"Oh, well, when it came to being a governess I was very weary of children. But I am sure it would be very different with my own. Besides, it is part of marriage. I could never deny Captain Franklin the joy of having children. You look at me Jane, and I know what you think. You are thinking that marriage is equal, and if I did not want children then it would be my right to say, and I think you are right to a point, but on the other side I think that without compromise it would be impossible for marriages to remain enjoyable for either party. Now that I am married I am sure it cannot be healthy to share everything with ones partner".
She waited for Jane before continuing.
"I know now from marriage that no one formula works for everyone, and that it is important to communicate as a couple in order to find out what works best for you individually. What kind of things do you not share with your husband?"
"Oh, nothing secretive"
Jane smiled, "I did not think so".
Diana laughed with her cousin, "You know very well I have no secrets to hide. I only mean boring, mindless things that occur within a day. I do not share those things because I know he would try to listen, but really would be thinking of something else. I do not share my concerns unless he is involved with them- nor do I share concerns that I am still trying to work out. Once I have figured out my stance on an issue, I will go and ask him then. It eliminates so much of the small talk that makes couples find each other tedious".
Diana was generally a very good conversationalist, asking question and opinions in return, but Jane had a feeling that she did not ask this time because she did not want to know Jane's answers. Although Captain Franklin was kind and generous, he showed no real sign of deep rooted affection to Diana yet, for Jane suspected they were still getting to know each other. Their marriage was new, as was their relationship in being so close to one another. Jane had months and months to get to know her Mr Rochester before they were married which consisted of long talks practically every night- talks that were honest, and deep, and meaningful, oftentimes that were also light and funny. They had lived in the same house, eaten the same food, experienced the same people and things during those times, and Jane felt like she truly knew the soul of the man she was marrying. For Diana and her husband, they had known each other socially, they had talked with chaperones and then alone when they were engaged, but there is only so much you can know about a person when you are not with them constantly, and Jane knew that Diana and the Captain were still understanding that new balance.
"I know" Jane replied to her, smiling, "There is much to learn about communicating as a married couple. When Edward did not have his sight I constantly wondered about how much I was blurring our identities. There was so much I had to do for him, and I had almost no time for myself. It was very new for me, caring for another person as myself- for I had always been so alone in the world. That is-" Jane added with a smile, "Before meeting you, and Mary and St John".
Diana smiled quickly and then looked back down at the ground before asking her question in reply.
"How did you...decide what to do? How did you know how not to sacrifice yourself?"
"Well, I stopped looking at it as a sacrifice. Edward was, and is, my whole life. I married him knowing what he needed from me. If we were going to be joined in marriage that meant we were going to be joined in all things. It was no longer a sacrifice then, it was something I knew was required of me, and something I took immense pleasure in".
"But then, when he regained his sight, did you worry you would lose some of your importance to him?"
"Somewhat, at first. But very quickly I realised that we would always need each other in different ways, not in fewer ways".
Diana smiled, putting her hand on her stomach.
"You make me feel better, much better then I have been feeling lately".
"Why? What has been wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, exactly. It is only that since returning from our short honeymoon trip after our wedding, there has been fewer spoken declarations of love proclaimed between us. I am rather shy about it still, so I always used his expressions of love as a way of showing mine, but I suppose I was naive to think that upon returning to normal life that such loving adoration would continue".
They had turned past the main part of the garden into the long, stretching fields behind. The air was full of the music of nature- birds chirping, wind blowing through the branches of the trees, grass rustling beneath their feet.
"All I can say Diana, because it is the only thing true for all couples, is that you cannot ever let any feeling build up without conveying such to your husband. He has a right to know what you feel, and especially if you are unhappy. Again, it is difficult sharing your life with someone, and it takes work. But I promise you will have a better marriage if you share your insecurities and the things you are worrying about".
Jane turned to her friend, smiling at her.
"Or, better yet, just tell him that you love him. Men love being told such a thing out of the blue, it makes them feel so very important".
Diana grinned widely. "Deal. I shall tell him when we return".
Feeling now that Diana had gotten everything off her plate she needed to, Jane, without partaking in formalities asked Diana how she felt about Mary. Diana looked thoughtful before answering, taking her time to consider her answer.
"I wish Mary would come outside, be anywhere besides locked upstairs in that room. What has happened to her is terrible, and since speaking to her I understand that more than ever. But she need not be ashamed of herself, and she cannot hide from life. This baby will come whether she is prepared to stay away from the world forever, or not".
"Unfortunately" Jane started, careful of her wording, "I am not sure that any of us know how she truly feels. We are both married women, and for us, getting pregnant is an occasion of immense joy. For her, she is now to be forever cast in the shadow of the violence placed against her. Her child must bare the burden of such too. She is surely concerned, and fearful of a judgement of which we do not know-"
"But you must know, Jane. At least to some degree you must know how she feels. You married Edward in spite of rank, fortune, circumstances and a history that was exploited to all of his acquaintances. You must have known people would look at you in a judgemental way, and that people would look down upon you. But you had faith and courage in doing what you knew was right. I wish Mary would have some of your courage".
"You give me more credit then I deserve' Jane assured her cousin, "My choice to go against what people thought of me was primarily fuelled by love, and love is an immensely powerful motivating force".
"Nice try Jane" Diana said, smiling, "But I know that you have never cared about what people thought about you".
"Well, I do not blame Mary for being shy at present, and I think she needs to feel she has our support before she will be comfortable to venture out into the world"
"But she has our support"
"Perhaps it is just taking her a little longer to actually realise that, given her situation" Jane assured, kindly, "And, I know that until she is ready, you will be the all encouragement to her that she could possibly need. Just give her time, and all will be well in the end".
. . .
The rest of Jane's attempt to find out general attitudes of the household was inhibited by Henry, who began fussing and crying excessively in the late morning. Eventually the morning had turned into the afternoon, and Jane became exhausted very quickly. Edward took his turn again with Henry while Jane went to get a cup of tea, and she returned to find Henry still screeching and a very tired looking husband rocking him desperately.
Captain Franklin eventually left with Diana and walked into town when there was no sign of either Jane or her husband returning for conversation. Mary chose to stay in her room, an endless amount rocking and cradling, Edward eventually retreated into his study to finish some work that had long since been abandoned in the wake of Henry's arrival, promising to return quickly to check on his wife.
To Jane's utter astonishment, Henry fell asleep after being fed for the sixth time that day. Petrified at the idea of moving and waking him, she lay beside him on the bed, her arm keeping him from potentially rolling away. She had not intended to close her eyes, and especially had not intended to fall asleep, but yet was asleep within moments.
The next thing she knew Edward was standing beside her, smiling down at her. She felt his kiss lingering on her lips.
"Tired, my love?" he whispered.
"Mmm" she breathed, sleepily.
"That was my fault, early morning lovemaking is a bad idea, for it cuts into sleeping time that is very valuable on days like today".
Jane smiled lazily, stretching out her free arm that was not cradling Henry.
"There is no bad time for lovemaking, of that I am sure"
She sat up, slowly untangling herself from Henry. When she looked outside she was astonished to find that the sky was a vibrant orange, with the light just dropping below the furthest hill on the property. She had slept far too long.
"Why did you not come check on us sooner! Look at the time, good god, I have slept through half the day!".
"I did come and check on you earlier, but you looked so peaceful, and you slept so soundly, I thought it would be a shame to wake you".
"Edward, love, that is very kind, but now I have slept away my afternoon. I mean, we have guests I have ignored the whole day-".
"Jane" he said firmly, kissing her forehead, "Stop. You needed the sleep. Supper is in a few minutes. I'll take Henry so you can freshen up. We have a special guest coming"
"Goodness, who?"
"Father Andrew's good acquaintance, Lady Denver. He is quite excited for us all to meet her".
"But you sound not so enthusiastic..." Jane commented, "Like you have met her before"
"Ah, no, I've never met her. I have only heard stories. From what I hear though, she is an interesting character...a quite old character, who is very old in her set ways. She has just moved here to live in her summer residence permanently after retiring from the London scene and wishes to meet the neighbourhood".
Jane raised one eyebrow at her husband, "Did you wake me so you would not be there to greet her alone?"
"No"
"Are you sure of that?"
"Give me Henry, Jane. I will hold him so you can go and get freshened up. Quickly now, she will be here any minute".